(no subject)
y'know why i write in here still?
one day i read all of my old entries and found a lot of entertainment in how i used to be. going back to memories, reliving the moments - the thoughts and mindset of the moment, the emotion, everything. the funny thing is that the entries aren't that old, because this thing's been deleted a couple times.
this will stay here as long as i don't put up the effort to delete it. when i look back on this in the years to come, i'll get the same amusement and entertainment.
i wanna keep documenting. my life is losing volume, and each week that passes brings more and more silence. i don't spend time with anyone, and i keep completely to myself in public. conversations are ceasing to exist. the use for words, aside from thought, is fading as well. i'm drifting in and out of the strangest states of mind and i want it documented. i don't want present-biased memories, i want the uncensored motherfuckin' truth of who i was, where i was, and what i was thinking.
i want to remember the questions now, so that if i ever reach an answer i'm able to remember where it came from and how it used to be. i am so curious as to what certain things will be like when i'm 30, 40, etc. i wonder how my thoughts will change. i wonder, to escape this extreme hermit-ism, if i'll adopt an entirely different personality. i wonder if being alone will ever crack me. i love it, it's like i'm not meant for interaction. it's kind of sickening how much i prefer it. all of my interactions now are awkward as fuck - even if i'm trying to be outgoing - and i end up hating the people i was with more than before. my mind is conditioning itself towards physical silence in order to have the freedom of thought. i love my mind, i love where it takes me, but there's still a part of me that wants the social aspect. the human part, maybe? heh, in either case i've been analyzing everything recently and that side of me is subtly disappearing too.
here's a map of it.
+three failed relationship attempts. all three failed from the same thing. i got cold feet, couldn't get close, stopped talking to them and let the bridge burn.
+transferred to FSU, lived off campus in a single apt.
+tried to get more social; partyin with a couple lhp friends a lot, joined rugby, goin to shows
+quit rugby
+lhp relationships dissolve, going out ends. my days consist of going to school, school, coming home from school, sleeping.
+dont meet any new people or socialize at all. blocking it out with aviators and headphones. i have music playing constantly; on my computer, in my car, and anywhere... thanks to iPod.
i dont think any of this is sad. it's just kinda freaky to watch.
i can go days without talking, weeks without talking to anyone (aside from school), and i have no idea how long i could go without hanging out. you can ask my dad that question, i'm sure he'd shower you with compliments about how i love and care about him enough to visit.
if you're a current friend of mine, you're most likely finding it difficult to stay in contact with me. it's not because i don't like you. i love all of the people who still consider themselves a friend of mine. god knows how much shit you've gone through to still be reading this. heh, the shit i've caused you and the terrible, sentence-fractured, choppy shit i'm writing now.
i keep finding excuses not to interact either. there are a couple of people that i stopped talkin to solely because i didnt want to bring them down. those people are always the hardest to deal with because they're fucking awesome to be associated with. people like that lift elevate my mood and make things fun again. sometimes i get selfish though and stay friends even though i bring them down. this hasn't happened recently, cuz i've cut all those relationships and am preventing the creation of anything similar to that setup. it's a circle really, when you think about it. ha, most honest post i've written in a while. i hope the two people that still read this enjoy it!
where did this post start?
ah yeah. why i keep this journal.
solidify thoughts, prove that the thoughts exist, store them for later usage, to exist somehow.
as much as i love music, i don't my life to become iPod shuffle.
one day i read all of my old entries and found a lot of entertainment in how i used to be. going back to memories, reliving the moments - the thoughts and mindset of the moment, the emotion, everything. the funny thing is that the entries aren't that old, because this thing's been deleted a couple times.
this will stay here as long as i don't put up the effort to delete it. when i look back on this in the years to come, i'll get the same amusement and entertainment.
i wanna keep documenting. my life is losing volume, and each week that passes brings more and more silence. i don't spend time with anyone, and i keep completely to myself in public. conversations are ceasing to exist. the use for words, aside from thought, is fading as well. i'm drifting in and out of the strangest states of mind and i want it documented. i don't want present-biased memories, i want the uncensored motherfuckin' truth of who i was, where i was, and what i was thinking.
i want to remember the questions now, so that if i ever reach an answer i'm able to remember where it came from and how it used to be. i am so curious as to what certain things will be like when i'm 30, 40, etc. i wonder how my thoughts will change. i wonder, to escape this extreme hermit-ism, if i'll adopt an entirely different personality. i wonder if being alone will ever crack me. i love it, it's like i'm not meant for interaction. it's kind of sickening how much i prefer it. all of my interactions now are awkward as fuck - even if i'm trying to be outgoing - and i end up hating the people i was with more than before. my mind is conditioning itself towards physical silence in order to have the freedom of thought. i love my mind, i love where it takes me, but there's still a part of me that wants the social aspect. the human part, maybe? heh, in either case i've been analyzing everything recently and that side of me is subtly disappearing too.
here's a map of it.
+three failed relationship attempts. all three failed from the same thing. i got cold feet, couldn't get close, stopped talking to them and let the bridge burn.
+transferred to FSU, lived off campus in a single apt.
+tried to get more social; partyin with a couple lhp friends a lot, joined rugby, goin to shows
+quit rugby
+lhp relationships dissolve, going out ends. my days consist of going to school, school, coming home from school, sleeping.
+dont meet any new people or socialize at all. blocking it out with aviators and headphones. i have music playing constantly; on my computer, in my car, and anywhere... thanks to iPod.
i dont think any of this is sad. it's just kinda freaky to watch.
i can go days without talking, weeks without talking to anyone (aside from school), and i have no idea how long i could go without hanging out. you can ask my dad that question, i'm sure he'd shower you with compliments about how i love and care about him enough to visit.
if you're a current friend of mine, you're most likely finding it difficult to stay in contact with me. it's not because i don't like you. i love all of the people who still consider themselves a friend of mine. god knows how much shit you've gone through to still be reading this. heh, the shit i've caused you and the terrible, sentence-fractured, choppy shit i'm writing now.
i keep finding excuses not to interact either. there are a couple of people that i stopped talkin to solely because i didnt want to bring them down. those people are always the hardest to deal with because they're fucking awesome to be associated with. people like that lift elevate my mood and make things fun again. sometimes i get selfish though and stay friends even though i bring them down. this hasn't happened recently, cuz i've cut all those relationships and am preventing the creation of anything similar to that setup. it's a circle really, when you think about it. ha, most honest post i've written in a while. i hope the two people that still read this enjoy it!
where did this post start?
ah yeah. why i keep this journal.
solidify thoughts, prove that the thoughts exist, store them for later usage, to exist somehow.
as much as i love music, i don't my life to become iPod shuffle.