(no subject)
if january_fiction is my superficial journal to talk about my plans, then this one is just... a place where i can actually TALK.
i used to write rants like this all the time, but somehow they got lost in my imagination...
so now i will just go by whatever happens to pop into my head.
love notes, music notes, musicals, gene kelly, singin in the rain, i would love to... it could be like one of those romantic scenes from an old movie. they are always so forced. remember those people you used to hang out with that you felt like you had to impress? or if you said the wrong thing, they'd think you were stupid? and these were the people you really tried to win respect from. i want to be better than i am. i want to be happier, i want to be healthier. i would love to start exercising more, and i think i will. i'm going to start jogging and swimming in my pool more, and i'm going to eats lots of fruits and vegetables and high fiber items. i am pretty hungry right now actually, but the first thing i think of is not wanting to eat anything in particular. i'm going to go out more, really OUT. to places i've never been. i want to do things i've never done. i want to be outside more because i was thinking about it today and fresh air is so much better for you than air conditioner air. i've heard it can cause cancer. then again, fresh air, water, and thinking about monkeys can also cause cancer, so i guess none of us is safe. anyway, i want to be outside(especially since now i've learned how to deal with fire ant bites and spiders- i can just have a friend sit on one), and it's going to be very enjoyable. i REALLY REALLY MISS GOING TO THE BEACH!!! I USED TO LIVE THERE. honestly we used to go at least once a week. save up on quarters for the parking meter, and go. play on the playground, sit on the picnic tables, walk around in the sand and chase the waves. i loved it. reminds me of so much. and kevin. and willy! my willy, what will i do without him now that he's gone? awhile ago he was telling me about a new godzilla movie where they are using a lion creature instead of a lizard, and the statue of libery's head is rolling down 5th avenue or something like that. this, i can not wait to see. willy is a fountain of knowledge when it comes to movies. movies, king kong, new york, manhattan, old movie stars, oh the glamour!!! glamour? or glamor? why do british people have to complicate things with their extra and random letters? colour, magasine, crazy. cracks me up. people and their strange ways. i think i have a cavity. ew, i hate it. damn CREST and their lies!!! i feel like watching 1967 spider-man. the one where everytime the evil villain played his little organ, hell would unleash its fury on whatever happened to be around. oh good times. i kind of miss local shows. and bigger shows. i really want to go to one. i never did see iron and wine and cat power. but at least i got rilo kiley. i never got ben gibbard either. but i think he would make me cry. damn him and his completely relatable musical choices. adam and alivia, my stories. i miss cocoa trips. i really have a nostalgia problem, because things are usually better in the past. grass is always greener on the other side, like high fidelity. reflection, it may kill you. though what i have found myself doing lately... talking online to people. i haven't done it in forever. it's fun. that's where caitlin and i got our names "lauta" and "cauta". i remember when we used to set up those HUGE chat rooms with william, keller, brooks, EVERYONE. and it was so chaotic, no one could ever keep track of what was happening. so so silly. i miss these things and these people, here i go again with nostalgia. enough enough, off with your little dreary heads! the best summer of my entire life, nothing could top it, what an experience. i wish statues didn't creep me out so much. it's those soulless eyes, weird. ohhh, warm breezes, and even better- cold breezes, being snuggly, i love evenings at coffee shops. these are things i have to get back to. and downtown melbourne, when i was there the other day with all my friends, i realized how much i love it and how many ghosts and memories live there. candlelight christmas shopping with bagpipe men, art fairs, street parties, getting fired from jobs and spending the rest of the day carelessly happily... oh, nevermind. SO nevermind. i wish i was doing more. my credit card is almost paid off and my plan is to SAVE so much money that i'll feel really good about it and then get a new and better job and go on a trip. writing, editing, something writing-related. it will be nice. i don't really regret not going back to school because agh, just no. i want to work. i want to move forward. i wish i understood the universe. i wish i got people a little better. i will not go into my philosophy rant though because there is no end to that. i did love that class though, and the teacher. warren jones. he looked like jesus. wouldn't it be great to have a time machine? then i could meet him. i could meet john lennon. and all other kinds of great people. wowowowowow. that, and if you did something you didn't like, you could just change it. time machines and flying. i've had dreams about flying before. for some reason i don't feel comfortable with big metal machines that are wrapped around me, but if i was just out there on my own, i think i'd do okay. remember sketchy dennys? haha, and donny harassing random strangers. the three musketeers, we were. moe, larry, and curly. i've never actually seen any of these people, so i don't know what i'm saying. i wish i could play the piano. i should pick up my clarinet again and start a jazz band. then i could move to new orleans. i wish i could visit there. and california. and seattle. and of course new york and all of europe. i wish i could do and say all sorts of things. and use different languages. and have multi-colored hair. and sew. and drive a boat or train all by myself. i wish i could go out right now and pick flowers and drive over to his house and... i need to clean MY house. i actually like to clean. and i'm going to rearrange all the furniture in my room too. it will be delightful. new, refreshing. i am still such a little kid, i still love doll houses and paper dolls. i love the wonder years. but as the older version of me, i feel i'm right back where i was 3 or 4 years ago, just waiting for something exciting to happen, waiting for change, waiting to be swept away. and it's so anticipatory. seems like just yesterday i was trying to think of names for my kittens. sophie, stella, facia bella(beautiful face in italian), busy, bianca, angelcake, BIJOU. all of those amazing choices, and i picked remie. hehe, cats are cute. all little cuddly animals are. even the ugly ones. i was watching a dog show yesterday and i wish i had one. like, a nice one. a nice tempered one. i would walk it everywhere and it would be great to get that exercise. oh yes, things are going to change. i'm throwing the weights from off my shoulders, and i'm going for it. i'm going to have fun and be happy and stop being so neurotic and worried. i FINALLY see that it doesn't accomplish anything. it doesn't SAVE anyone. you only live once, so jump in. remember garden state? that's one of those movies that could possibly change your life. it DID change mine. but i will never watch it again. i can look at zachary braff a lot easier when he is playing a dopey doctor. oh yes, i am going to bake and cook too. lots. good stuff. i am going to go for long drives, and roll the windows down and play good music. i like the idea of driving until you're lost, and then having the best time trying to find your way home. i always want to have blankets in the back of my car so we can just lay out wherever we happen to be. and actually, i liked almost every single thing i heard through the wires of that mpg player. i like rare things that i've never had before. i think that's kinda why i liked the chocolate rice i had at the haitian restaurant. it's just weird. i feel so much better after just writing out whatever i'm positively thinking. and i like this journal because it's new and old. hidden yet exposed. i am going a little stir crazy, and i just need some form of adventure/exploration. someone come with me. anyone really. let's do this, let's be, let's breathe, let's move, let's dance(another 80s dance party, maybe?), let's change, let's grow, let's find happiness, let's knock down the barriers and go for it. anything in any form. the world does not end with conventional ideas. go outside of your comfort zone. b.rea.k thi.n.g.s u.p... LIVE. i swear i will remember where i've come from and where i want to go. i will make sure i keep those late autumn days in my mind for as long as i value them. and i do value a whole lot. more than anyone knows.
stay tuned for next time when i rant and rave about swimming pools, llamas, youtube, painting, and whatever else pops into my crowded and map-requiring mind.