Dealing With Spencer-Chapter Fourteen
The digits on the alarm clock displayed five am when she woke up, mainly due the two whispering voices that cracked from time to time briefly with a soft laughter. Curiously she slid out of the bed and carefully avoided waking up her sleeping husband, she reached out for her bathrobe. If she would have been honest it was definitely more curiosity than the fear that someone might have broken into their house. After what happened the other day she found herself sighing, relieved when she spotted her son and Spencer downstairs sitting in front of the Christmas tree. The blonde didn’t seem sad at all.
The shimmering lights lit up both faces as they were facing each other. Spencer had a book in his lap and his eyes narrowed in disagreement.
“But why won’t you read it to me?” the blonde pouted and Kenji’s mother stood silently in the shadow, trying to figure out what it was all about. Evidently it had to do with Kenji’s gift for him.
“Because you can read and therefore you have to read it by yourself,” her son claimed softly and added a smile, “You have to practice.”
“Why?”
“So you get better with the reading.”
“Is that really so important?” Spencer asked, mostly because he liked when Kenji read stories to him. The book was lying a little heavy in his lap but he unconsciously caressed the skin softly with his hand. It was his Christmas gift and Spencer hadn’t received many that meant something to him. The younger man had given it to him with a shy smile because he hadn’t been sure if it was a good gift. Evidently it was, judging by the blonde’s sparkling eyes. It was a leather wrapped edition of the ‘Arabian Nights,’ and Kenji had partly chosen it because he knew his mother had never told those tales to him. Somehow the idea of introducing Spencer to an entire new variety of adventure stories and fairy tales sounded like a perfect gift.
Only a few weeks ago when Kenji had told him about the book of a thousand and one nights, Spencer had reacted very excitedly, which had the younger man feeling incredibly touched. The literal epic tells the story of Scheherazade, a Sassanid Queen, who must relate stories to delay her execution. After hearing the story of Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves in particular, the blonde was hooked and it took Kenji quite a while to find a nice edition. Not only those famous tales had captured Spencer’s mind but the simple idea of the storyline. Even though he had sincere doubts regarding the time span and claimed instantly that the queen couldn’t possibly have taken one thousand and one nights, he still looked wildly enchanted by that strange Arabic world. He also said that he’d like for Kenji to tell him more stories.
However, Kenji refused in order to force Spencer to read the stories himself. That had them arguing for almost ten minutes and they hadn’t noticed Mrs. Miyagi sitting at the first step on the staircase with her arms wrapped around her knees, listening to the romantic squabbling between the boys.
“You know what? You are just lazy,” Kenji said and shook his head.
The blonde protested by making a face, “I’m not lazy! I just like hearing your voice.”
“Don’t sweet talk your way out of this.”
Kenji’s mom smiled with his words and she felt even a bit proud. Obviously Kenji was very well aware that Spencer could act rather manipulatively, although the blonde never really was wary of it; Which had him react to Kenji’s accusation with a dismayed puff and the words, “I’m not.”
“Then why are you giving me that look?“
Dumbfounded, the blonde shook his head and angled it to the side, asking, “What look? That’s how I look. I can’t look differently.”
Spencer had his lip curled incredulously, which unfortunately amused Kenji and the younger man smiled broadly, “You are messing with me, aren’t you?”
Instead of answering the blonde shrugged and leaned close to him to hush a kiss onto Kenji’s lips, whispering, “No, I’m not.”
“Well, will you try and read those stories by yourself?”
“Okay,” Spencer replied a little too hastily and earned a suspicious glare.
“Will you tell them to me?”
“Tell what?”
“The stories! From the book,” Kenji hissed, partly annoyed and partly amused but only received a very disarming smile and a kiss. Just when he decided to give up on the reading matter and get lost in one of those kisses he flinched because Spencer abruptly jumped up, wheezing excitedly, “Uh! I have a gift for you, too!”
When Spencer arrived only three days ago he had acted very secretively and Kenji sort of figured that it was because of a Christmas gift. It had surprised him and naturally made him curious. When the blonde handed him a small package, wrapped up in glossy magazine paper, Kenji had no idea what to expect. Last years Christmas they hadn’t exchanged gifts because the blonde said that gifts on Christmas were generally wrong.
He hadn’t been very exact with his explanation but Aunt Jennifer later filled Kenji in with Arabelle Trainour's fight against the holidays. It had started, according to Spencer’s aunt, when Belle was around twelve. She had basically used all the common phrases and refused to give the ‘man’ any money to support this tasteless decadence. Although she never had any problems using a credit card, Jennifer had grunted when she ended yet another story of her sister’s delinquency.
A couple of weeks ago Spencer changed his mind, mostly because he found something that he wanted to give Kenji on a special occasion and therefore one fine day simply stated that he would like to celebrate Christmas this year in a traditional way. He had actually used that word. It was a big step for the blonde since he usually supported his mother’s opinion, even though he had never made one for himself.
For as long as he could remember he had never even ‘wanted’ to celebrate Christmas. His parents made up a really long story that mainly was surrounded by the word commerce and he didn’t truly understand any of it. His Grandfather later had told him about Jesus. Whether or not Christmas was Jesus’ birthday, Spencer generally didn’t care. The only thing he used to enjoy had been the lights and the very calm sound of the people’s voices.
People seemed different around that time and for the most part Spencer had liked that. Back in the clinic a lot of kids tended to get sad around Christmas but the blonde hadn’t felt particularly different and since he had always felt kind of sad nothing changed for him. This year it was supposed to be different. Therefore he kept annoying a lot of people by asking questions regarding Christmas and tradition, which is where he learned the concept of the word ‘traditional’ and kept using it, sometimes completely out of context, in random sentences. Nobody could explain why, not even Spencer himself who simply liked the sound of it.
Due his research many things had become very clear to him and many had him confused. He was impressed about the number of people solely claiming Jesus’ birthday as the reason for songs, tree and gifts. His mom didn’t talk about Jesus or the Church that often and mostly only explained things to him when it was part of a poem or a novel. Much to his surprise he found out that most of what she had told him was not exactly the view of others.
He also concluded that the subject wasn’t one people often talked about since they all seemed to stuttered more than explaining, and some people like Riku for example, would downright state that Christmas was an excuse to buy expensive gifts and have a terrific dinner. Other people like Zane did not celebrate Christmas but Hanukkah, which was a Jewish holiday and Spencer liked both stories equally, though decided on focusing on the Christian one since that was what was celebrated in Kenji’s family.
Back at the Trainour's, Christmas had always been a drag, mainly because everything had felt forced. He was forced into nice clothing, they were all forced to eat at the main house and then he was forced to pretend he liked sitting with his entire family in front of a tree; Which he didn’t and he wasn’t really good at faking it either. Spencer’s complete lack of interest in the gifts or the holiday itself was one of the many reasons why the rest of his family found him strange. For Belle it was a protest but with Spencer something else. Strongly influenced by her he could find no need in dressing up for all of this and he never liked any of the gifts given to him anyway.
No one ever tried to explain it to him later when she was already gone. Most people around him acted in a sort of defeat as if he had passed the proper age to learn the magic about Christmas. Thus, only alienated him further and he never accepted gifts. Now that he had already received a present he was utterly convinced that Christmas in itself wasn’t such a bad idea at all. He was like a child that had just discovered its beauty because he loved Kenji’s gift. This was something he wanted to take home and it was given to him by Kenji, which had his hormones out of control.
It also made him look cautiously when he reached out for the package. Ruben had actually helped him to wrap it up. They used Suzie’s Glamour magazine, which she hadn’t really liked, though after Spencer had looked at her completely wretched over her anger, she calmed down. It wasn’t as shiny as some of the other papers but Spencer liked the result of it nonetheless. If possible he was much more excited about handing out a gift than being at the receiving end.
His nervousness was visibly increasing when Kenji started to unwrap his gift. Spencer sat down again with his legs crossed and shifted from side to side, his hands constantly moving and he was blushing heavily. Funnily enough, Kenji’s mother was excited as well and tried to see more clearly by very slowly sliding one step down. She recognized a silver frame but couldn’t see the content. At first she thought it to be a picture of the both of them but judging by Kenji’s facial impression it was a little more than that.
The complete lack of a comment made Spencer feeling a little apprehensive and he cleared his throat by pointing out the obvious, “It’s a star.”
Technically it was solely a peace of paper formed into a certificate. It even stated at the far end in very small letters that naming this star would not be scientifically recognized though it didn’t matter. What mattered was that Kenji hadn’t expected that. He couldn’t find a proper way to say thank you and gave him a blank stare.
“There are actually two, you know,” Spencer croaked, slightly confused over Kenji’s reaction and very quietly added, “Even when we are long gone they’ll still be up there.”
It was Nurse Suzie that gave him the idea since she once brought in a catalogue that persuaded people into the idea of naming stars after loved ones. The blonde had stolen the advertisement and read it by himself. It promised eternal love manifested in the sky, a sentence he didn’t fully understand but liked the idea of it immensely.
Spencer had actually asked Aunt Jennifer for the money the last time she had been visiting, which she had started doing on a frequent basis. Of course she would help, she offered, happy that she could finally do something for him. Besides she liked the idea, that none of it was actually for real was something Spencer didn’t care very much about. Least of all he cared about some scientist calling those stars by the purchased name because all that mattered for him was the concept of being eternally bound to Kenji. At least in the sky.
“I…” Kenji started but faltered in his words and struggled with his voice.
“They are so far up in the sky that we can’t even see them,” Spencer explained nervously because he couldn’t define Kenji’s reaction.
Kenji wanted to say that he loved him but couldn’t say those words due the knot in his throat that partly made him feel embarrassed. Scientifically acknowledged or not, Spencer had just given him a star. He shook his head and cleared his throat to only say, “I love you,” because thank you wouldn’t really cover what he was feeling.
Upstairs his mother listened intently and almost shrieked when she noticed her older son Riku, sinking down next to her, hushing, “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“What are you doing?”
“Watching them,” she admitted honestly and gave her oldest a soft smile, “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, Mom,” Riku whispered and then followed her eyes towards his little brother and the strange blonde.
“Spencer gave him a star,” she explained in a lowered voice while downstairs the blonde had claimed more kisses from her son.
“I can’t even say I’m surprised,” he replied dryly and smiled, “They are disgustingly cheesy.”
“I think it’s cute.”
Riku rolled his eyes but his voice sounded amused, “Yeah, but you’re a girl, mom. You like that cheesy stuff.”
“Well, it’s romantic, isn’t it?”
“It’s a waste of money. That’s what it is.”
“Do you think they are happy?” she suddenly asked and faced him.
“Of course. Just look at them. And I’m presuming you’ve heard them as well,” Riku replied and made a face, “I really think you should have a talk with Kenji about that. It sounds like they are getting along maybe a bit too well.”
His comment had fit the scene because Kenji had given up on finding the right words and had started kissing the blonde rather intensely. They both sunk to the ground and kept on falling deeper into each other, which had Kenji’s mom cocking an eyebrow, growling, “I don’t even know what to say. You were easy. I’m not really sure what to say to Kenji. I’m afraid to even ask if they are safe.”
“You had no problem yelling at me when Heather slept over,” Riku pouted as he remembered his first ‘serious’ relationship.
“That was different. This is different. I don’t worry about an unwanted pregnancy but if this maybe is too hard for Kenji. You’ve seen how Spencer reacted to his father. There is so much…” she paused, slightly embarrassed when she realized that the two young boys were heavily making out and she cleared her throat, “I think we’ve seen enough.”
As she stood up she felt Riku touching her arm and looked at him, “Don’t worry so much, Mom. I think they are doing pretty good,” he said softly and smiled.
“I guess you’re right. But getting each other stars and fairy tales might not be enough for the real world,” she sighed and then gave him a motherly glare that made Riku shrug and quietly follow her.
Oblivious to his mother’s worry or his brother’s support, Kenji’s mind was completely wrapped up in the moment. It took a lot of strength to finally breeze out in between kisses, “We should go upstairs.”
“Can’t we stay here?” Spencer whispered breathlessly because he liked the soft, sparkling lights from the Christmas tree.
“But my parents…” Kenji tried to reason but was quickly shut up by Spencer’s tongue sliding into his mouth, playfully rotating around his own. Ever since that moment only a couple of hours back in which they had slept together, the blonde seemed extremely at ease around Kenji. He felt safe, protected and uplifted by all those butterflies inside his stomach. Spencer wanted more, a lot more from Kenji and claimed it with tender but fervently demanding touches.
Kenji was helpless against that sort of seduction because it was so different. There was no fear or reluctance but a simple mutual affection that seemed to intensify with every passing second. The extreme reaction towards his father seemed only a distant memory as they embraced each other, soaked in each other’s scent and breathed in the agitation that streamed out of their heated skin.
Being in love felt great in Kenji’s opinion and he wanted to stay in love. He wanted to keep this feeling locked inside his heart forever, no matter how insanely unreal everything sometimes sounded. He wanted to keep the lightness of the moment, where nothing much mattered aside from them and what they felt for each other. Everything felt soft on this night and he found himself giving in, boldly dismissing all concerns regarding other family members.
This second time on the soft carpet in the shadow of the holiday lights started slowly yet passionately and it felt much easier acting by instinct than before. Mostly because Spencer very openly showed his excitement, though he tried hard to stay quiet. Luckily both his mother and brother had already gone to bed with their own thoughts. On the other side Kenji wouldn’t have been able to recognize anything else than the skinny, soft body beneath him. His mind was beautifully distracted by those muted moans and that shy humming coming from the blonde, who was still obviously nervous but much more aroused as well.
Hearing his own name breezed out affectionately by Spencer had a unfathomable affect on Kenji and without even knowing it he had fallen even deeper in love with the blonde. Even when it was over, even when they were long gone upstairs again to catch a few last hours of sleep, his heart was still racing with that emotion. On the crossing to his dream world, Kenji found himself thinking the most ridiculous thoughts, each one stronger than the rest. That this will work. That this had to work.
*
*
The week and with it the last days of the old year passed almost too quickly and when it was time for Spencer to go back to the clinic it was the first time that he absolutely didn’t want to go. He simply wanted to stay with Kenji and even carefully tried to persuade the younger man for letting him stay, which was a bit unfair because if it were up to Kenji, he’d let him move in instantly. His parents, in a way, needed to have that last bit of distance, mainly because they were a little overwhelmed by the past year. It was still strange and as much as they both truly liked the blonde they still needed those few days in the week.
The argument started and died almost instantly by Kenji’s father simply saying ‘no’ and pointing out that Mrs. Miyagi couldn’t look after Spencer every day, which naturally had the blonde blushing in anger since he didn’t believe that he needed a babysitter. He kept silent though, because he partly understood. He just hated to leave. It felt so hard this time.
Kenji offered to visit him that same afternoon and Spencer faked a brave smile because he didn’t want him to notice how sad he felt. It bewildered him to feel that way and it bothered him to feel so scared as well because, of course, it was completely ridiculous. They had been doing this for over a year and despite the rather unwelcome emotions regarding his father nothing had changed. At least, he tried telling himself that and yet it felt as if everything had changed. He felt an intense urge to hold on to Kenji. Although he had always sought out physical contact it had become much more intensely. Everything felt so uplifting new and the past faded more and more.
Unfortunately that almost carefree feeling of happiness inevitably created the so well known fear again and it had Spencer falling slightly back in his previous state. Kenji noticed the increasing nervousness and was made aware of those absent stares because it happened more often than before. Naturally he feared that it might be his fault but Spencer assured him that he was happy, that everything was all right and Kenji couldn’t do anything else than to believe it.
If felt hard for Kenji, too. He didn’t want to let him go because he felt the need to say so much more. Thus, had them both dramatically sad on Sunday afternoon when Kenji stopped his brother’s car in front of the clinic. However for the both of them it was not necessarily a wrong kind of sadness. It was preposterously normal and Nurse Suzie rolled her eyes by the sight of them mostly because they were acting annoyingly youthful. She had not heard about his dad or what happened on Christmas.
Lately the blonde had become more a guest than a patient and they were all sure that it wouldn’t be long until he would leave. His condition seemed promising. In fact everything seemed more than promising. Only Dr. Hollister still often raised concern and warned to be all too cheerful just yet. When Spencer greeted the nurse with a smile and said, “Merry Christmas,” she doubted that warning.
Granted he looked a bit wretched because Kenji’s car was now out of sight but it would only be two days and he would be back with him. As far as Suzie was concerned there was also a chance that Kenji would be back here tomorrow anyway due the very normal behaviour of young people in love. Neither her nor Spencer had seen the woman across the street, hiding from their sight. Kenji never even wasted a look into her direction.
Arabelle had bought a new outfit at LAX and drove to the clinic. She called from a payphone only to be informed that Spencer wasn’t inside but at Kenji’s place. What bothered her most was that, whoever gave her that information used a tone that sounded almost bored as if that wasn’t something important. She kept that casual sound in her own voice and asked when he would be back. They told her that Spencer was expected back later in the afternoon and Belle decided to wait.
With a white headscarf wrapped around her head she hid her long dark hair and black sunglasses disguised her eyes as she gazed at the building. She felt incredibly sad while she did that because in her mind Spencer had been forced into this place and it angered her the more she thought of it. She almost didn’t move in the three hours she waited. Her daily medication, a pharma cocktail out of various highly illegal pills had her calm and patient. Her thoughts were almost similar to those of Spencer if he was in the situation.
Like moving pictures she made up what must have happened to her son. She hadn’t called her sister because she believed her to be a liar who betrayed her because nobody had ever mentioned that boy. Seeing Kenji for the first time and watching them kissing each other made her sick. It felt like a sword sliding through her heart and what hurt most of all was Spencer’s look. She felt a knot in her throat when she saw his face glowing with affection.
He had grown so much; she thought sadly and couldn’t even attempt to move. It didn’t feel like the right moment and something told her that many people might not want them to see each other again. Therefore, Belle simply waited a bit longer before she left to find a place to sleep. From the payphone she called a cab and rented a small room in a motel nearby. Seeing him again had her emotions swirling around her head like a roller coaster. The dominating feeling of all was a very intensive love because that was what she felt. She loved him so heavily that the kiss he shared with Kenji wouldn’t let her sleep and kept hunting her in nightmares.
It had her crying endlessly and every other hour she rushed up, storming through her room in a cloud of despair. She was exhausted when the sun came up but nonetheless cleaned herself up thoroughly before she rented a small convertible and drove back to the clinic.
Back in Agoura Hills, Kenji was sitting in the classroom, listening only half-heartedly to his teacher because Spencer still claimed most of his mind. Every now and then he found himself smiling and only realized it because Zane was throwing him a confused glare. At the same time Spencer informed Suzie, Ash and various other inhabitants or workers in the clinic of his Christmas, carefully leaving out anything regarding his father.
It was just like any other day and when breakfast was over the blonde moved back to his room. He indented to read some of the stories from the book Kenji gave him for Christmas and enjoyed the slight grey of the day. Although Kenji had already told him the story of Ali Baba and forty thieves it was still the first he started to read. He enjoyed the image and very easily pictured himself as the main hero.
He was deep inside the story when someone knocked at his door. As usual when his head wasn’t fully connected to reality it took him a while to lift his head, saying, “Yes?”
It had been fairly easy for Arabelle to sneak inside the clinic and almost easier to find out which room her son was in. When she heard his faint voice she still struggled for a moment, a very brief moment in which something deeply buried inside her whispered that maybe she shouldn’t disturb his life. Another voice however was much stronger and after taking a deep breath she opened the door.
Arabelle smiled without saying a word as she approached her now almost adult son. Spencer didn’t say anything but just stared at her. It took him a moment before he blinked and gazed at the door as if he expected someone else to follow her. When nobody else walked in he fixed them back at his mother, who had rid herself of the headscarf and the sunglasses, revealing the so painfully familiar sight of his mom.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” she hushed and sunk next to him.
The sound of her voice affected him more than her sight and he could feel his heart beating solidly inside his chest.
“They made me leave,” Belle explained and very carefully touched his arm, “But I’m here now.”
For so many days and nights he had prayed to have her back but now that she was sitting next to him he didn’t know what to do. His thoughts were a complete mess because half of them circled around Kenji, Dr. Hollister and all he had learned and the rest solely remembered her. Her eyes, her voice and her scent. He was torn between the strong urge to run away and the desire to simply let himself fall into her arms. The memory of how comforting such an embrace often felt made him lower his eyes in silence because he also knew that some of this was wrong.
“Can’t you look at me?” Belle said and he reacted by looking up, revealing his already tear filled eyes.
He felt the word ‘mommy’ on the tip of his tongue but dared not to speak it out loud. His eyes were closed when she hushed a tender kiss on his cheek and whispered, “I’ve missed you so, so much. Did you miss me, too?”
Her question created the first crack in his sanity and he shifted with a sob, “Yes, I missed you, too.”
She started brushing over his skin and softly wiped away some of the tears, “I’ll never leave you again,” she promised.
“I’m here to take you with me,” she added and had him staring at her perplexedly.
“Take me with you, where?”
“To a place where nobody tries screwing with us,” she growled with nod, “Somewhere safe.”
“To the treehouse?” Spencer asked, sounding a lot more like a child than before.
“No, silly,” she laughed, “The treehouse isn’t safe. Mostly because of Jennifer, that betraying bitch of a sister,” Belle snarled out harshly, another familiar tone but one that had the blonde cringed slightly.
“Don’t say that,” he hushed carefully.
“Why not? She betrayed me. She betrayed us!”
“How?”
“She never told me anything about you. Look at you, how grown up you are,” Belle whispered and pulled him closer, kissing his hair tenderly.
“I’m doing much better,” Spencer said proudly, though unsure if that was even the truth because he didn’t feel better but worse. He felt like he was in a trance and could not find a clear thought.
“Better? You’ve never been sick, baby. They just messed with your mind. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here to protect you.”
Spencer confusion started with her words and increased with every second. He was torn between believing her and doubting her and it gave him a headache. “They messed with my mind?”
“Of course. Look at what they’ve done to us? They’ve killed our baby,” she said without seeing the wrong in her own words. Instead she pressed closer to him searching for that trust she always felt with her son.
“But we weren’t supposed to have…”
“Is that what they told you? Is that why you betrayed me?”
With a blank stare the blonde asked in a trembling voice, “I betrayed you?”
“Who is Kenji?” Belle asked in a very harsh tone and it made the blonde feel guilty all of the sudden.
“My b… boyfriend…” he answered truthfully in a hoarse voice.
His mother let out a snarling sound and shook her head, “Since when are you a fucking girl?”
All tenderness had vanished out of her voice and it sounded cold and accusing. Spencer blushed heavily and the feeling of guilt increased. “I’m not a girl,” he replied timidly.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes, I do,” Spencer answered and instantly regretted his words when his skin started reacting to her slaps. They weren’t really hurting him physically but had him breaking from the inside. Her voice made it worse for it was tear filled and full of utter disappointment.
“How can you even say that?” Belle’s anger busted out of her and she yelled furiously, “How could you forget our promise? Why are you hurting me so much?”
His mother didn’t care if anyone would hear her. It was simply not in her nature to care about such trivial things. She wouldn’t know how to keep her voice low anyway because her rage had already taken control of her actions. Most of the patients where outside anyway and only Ash heard a loud female voice but only shrugged and turned up the volume of his Walkman.
The content of what she was screaming at him struck Spencer so hard that he let out a heavy sob when he comprehended her words. He hadn’t been aware that he was hurting her. That him being with Kenji would hurt her never crossed his mind. Even though he always knew that his mommy wouldn’t like Kenji he never expected her to be hurt by it. She stopped hitting him and broke down in the middle of the room with her hands brushing frantically through her long, black hair. Like a broken record she kept whimpering, “I’ve trusted you. I thought we were soul mates.”
Her sight and her despair touched him like it had when he was a child. Thick tears trailed down his cheeks as he hated himself for being the reason for her sorrow. Ruefully he lowered his eyes and croaked, “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I never wanted…”
“Shut up. Stop lying to me. Stop pretending to care about me,” Belle spat out mercilessly. She sounded like a defiant child.
“Please,” Spencer almost unconsciously hushed and slid down from the bed, the Arabian Nights fell to the ground when he approached her, “Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Everything that he had learned from Kenji had been pushed aside by this need to make her happy. Seeing her with those tear-struck eyes was something he simply couldn’t endure. Very slowly he knelt down and softly brushed a strain of hair away.
Still filled with this unjustified fury, Belle harshly pushed his hand aside and snarled, “Sorry? You broke a promise. All because of this Kenji. You are throwing me away for this boy?”
“No,” Spencer sobbed out in utter despair, “I’m not…”
“You broke my heart. All because you want to be Kenji’s little bitch.”
Belle never cared about cursing and the only reason why Spencer hated it was that he had hated it back then as well because every time his mother would say something that was meant to sound horrible her voice estranged him. It felt like something was choking him and he instantly felt like a little boy. That she was right, at least in his chaotic mind, was making it worse. Once he had promised that he would only love her. A part of him though felt incredibly affected that she talked so badly about Kenji.
“I’m not… I’m not his…”
“Don’t lie. Please, it’s bad enough that you claim to love him. It’s bad enough that you simply forgot about me. And I was so sure that nobody would be able to destroy what we had. I always thought that you love me but obviously I was wrong…”
“But I do. I love you. Please, mommy,” Spencer croaked and helplessly stretched out his hand. He couldn’t stand her being so angry. A terrible guilt started to form and ate him up from the inside because mommy was so angry with him. Her unforgivable tears and the disappointed sounding voice gave him a sickening feeling that had him groan for a moment, “I’m sorry,” he croaked while he tried to yield himself from this pain.
He flinched and shielded himself with his arms when she slapped him continuously. Her blows so much weaker than the pain she caused him. When all her rage faded she pulled back before breaking out into another heavy wave of tears, “All this time I thought that once I came back it would be perfect again. Just like it was. And that I have to hear it from that stupid Oliver. He was the one telling me that my baby loves someone else. Have you any idea how painful that is for a mother?”
Spencer was helplessly crying and couldn’t control his body. His shoulders rattled under her words and he sobbed out a plead for her to forgive him. He was not able see through her words or manipulative way but only felt sorry and was utterly convinced that he was the reason for her sadness, that all of this was solely his fault. It was making him feel so cold and so alone, vulnerable and helpless because she sounded like she was leaving. He didn’t want her to leave; at least a part of him didn’t want that to happen. His eyes were pleading as they followed her when she moved up and theatrically sunk onto the bed.
There was always a breeze theatre in all of her gestures. All she ever did was perform a play. Nonetheless, her tears were real as were the reasons why she cried them. With all the dramatic emotions she felt betrayed and unloved by her son. She felt estranged by his much darker voice and that adult look. Belle wanted her son back and therefore she cried out, “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have left you.”
It’s all about making the crying stop, Spencer thought as he slid next to her and started softly stroking over her rocking shoulders, “But you are back now.”
If anyone was able to change a moment of discomfort better than the blonde it was undoubtly Belle Trainour Boone. Even though her tear stained cheeks were still blushing with that anger and sadness she smiled when she turned around. It was a warm smile that completely set in contrast to the coldness in her voice before.
“I saw lions,” she hushed and her smile brightened when there was this shadow of interest washing over Spencer face, “Real lions. I thought of you and wished you there with me so badly that I cried.”
Surprisingly enough Spencer was incapable of dealing with the sudden subject change and stared at her with a confused look. He wasn’t sure whether or not she had forgiven him and wasn’t sure if she still intended to take him away. There was also something very strongly scaring him. He thought of Kenji but pushed it aside so quickly for he realized that thinking of Kenji had distorted into something incredibly painful.
“Where did you see the lions, mommy?” He asked instead and exhaled heftily when she wrapped her arm around his shoulders.
“In South Africa. I’ve seen tigers, too. I’ve seen so many great things but it all felt shallow without someone to share it with.”
“I’m sorry,” the blonde replied in defeat because evidently, all this time apart she suffered more than him.
Belle kissed his temple in a motherly gesture and said, “I know, baby. It’s all going to be all right from now on. Go and get your things so we can leave this horrible place.”
She had stopped crying and dismissed her anger and the previous outburst exactly like Spencer used to change certain moments. Her voice sounded more melodic and tender, though slightly aghast when she spoke of the place, her son had called home for so many years. It didn’t matter to her. All that mattered was the future she had created in her mind.
“It’s not so bad, Mom. And I don’t think we can just leave.”
“Of course we can. Spencer, do you not want to come with me?”
She eyed him suspiciously while the blonde fought with his thoughts, not sure what to do. He couldn’t tell her that he would very much like to stay here and he didn’t dare to mention Kenji again. It would make her angry and Spencer couldn’t have her angry or sad again, therefore he swallowed his own despair down and croaked helplessly, “I want to come with you, Mom.”
Belle rewarded him with a hug and a broad smile. She jumped of the bed and clapped her hands with the words, “Then let’s go.”
Very slowly Spencer started to comply and gathered a few personal things. He realized that Wicket would not be part of this journey for the stuffed animal was still at Kenji’s. Under her observing eyes he hastily pushed the thought away and didn’t really look at what he was packing. The last item was the book Kenji gave him because he figured it would be the only thing left of him. Every move felt somewhat exhausting because Spencer had the distinct feeling of doing the wrong thing but was unable to change it.
Silently he followed his mom outside and when Suzie spotted them he lowered his eyes.
“Excuse me? Hello? Spencer? Where are you going? And who are you?” The nurse asked suspiciously but was struck silent when Belle swirled around.
“I am his mother and where he’s going is none of your business. One thing is sure he most certainly won’t come back,” the mother snarled in a dark voice and unlike Spencer, Suzie was well aware of the glassy eyes and the trembling lips. That woman was far from being mentally stable and therefore the nurse tried to reason in a soothing tone.
“Please, don’t do that. I will have to call the police, Mrs. Boone because Spencer can’t just leave this clinic.”
“Oh, I see. He can’t leave with his mother but you let him go to fuck around with a boy? What sort of a clinic is this?”
“Miss, please, let me, at least alert one of his Doctors. He needs Medication, as well.”
“He needs me and that’s all he needs,” Belle sternly said and turned around, pulling the blonde with her. Spencer himself didn’t react to any of it and never turned around when Suzie urged him to not follow his mother. Almost apathetically he complied with his mother and followed her into the rented car.
The nurse instantly turned around and yelled at one of her co-workers, “Call the police,” she ordered while she took the phone to call Kenji.
*
*
Kenji at first believed it to be a bad joke when Suzie told him that Spencer left the clinic with his mother. It sounded so completely wrong that he laughed at first and said, “That’s impossible.”
“I’m sorry, Kenji but he went with her. He didn’t even look at me. I don’t know, I’m not an expert but he looked like under a spell. And she was definitely filled up with something. I’m so sorry but…”
An entire year flashed before Kenji’s eyes before he slowly repeated his previous statement, though without laughter as its echo, “That’s impossible.”
It was Kenji’s mom who noticed her son’s pale face and she took the phone away from him shortly before his knees gave in and he kept saying, “But it’s impossible.”
“Kenji?” she asked worriedly and his father looked up when she asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” Kenji croaked with a tightened chest and felt suddenly like someone had kicked him in his stomach, “I don’t fucking know!”
His mother pressed the phone to her ear and listened to Suzie repeating what had happened all the while she and her husband tried holding Kenji up. Her son had not comprehended the situation and when he finally sunk onto a chair there was such confusion painted on his face that she inhaled sharply because she felt so incredibly sorry.
“The police said that they wouldn’t file any charges unless Trainour Senior says so. They would have to wait 24 hours anyway but already said that the boy is an adult and with his mother, which isn’t sounding like a bad thing to them. The officer in charge seemed not very interested but we also called the Trainour’s and I’m hoping they will push them to act,” Suzie explained with a guilty sound in her voice.
“Thank you for calling,” Mrs. Miyagi managed to say before she hung up.
“Kenji,” she started softly but earned a wild and angry reaction.
“It’s impossible! He wouldn’t go with her. I mean,” Kenji’s voice cracked because he needed to get rid of the many thoughts hunting his mind. Too many of them felt disturbingly wrong. He hated the weird looks of his parents because they probably were thinking the same horrible thing. He wanted to say something else, make a statement, and make it clear how ridiculous this was but a heavy wave of tears wouldn’t allow him to orate his thoughts.
*
*
They checked into a first class hotel in Beverly Hills and Belle didn’t even care if the use of the credit card would tell others where they are because as far as she was concerned, Spencer was an adult and so was she and what she was feeling was certainly not wrong. She didn’t care about the curious glances from the staff and introduced them as newlyweds. Her mood was on a very heavy high when they entered the suite.
More effective than the drugs was the excitement raging inside her heart because she was united with the one person she trusted and loved the most. It never occurred to her that she was hurting him. Not one thought, she wasted on the moral issue of the matter and she sounded even surprised when his silenced made her, softly asking, “What’s wrong, baby?”
“I’m scared,” he suddenly confessed because he used to trust her and it needed to be said.
“Scared of what, baby?”
“We’re not going back, are we?”
“There is nothing to go back to. We can forget our mistakes and just go forward from here on. Nobody is going to disturb us. I will show you the lions and many other things and we will be happy,” Belle sold her own ideas for the future in a tempting voice with her lips close to his cheeks.
“Will we? Be happy, I mean,” Spencer asked and felt her breath on his neck.
His mother took a step back and looked slightly shocked. Slowly she shook her head. Almost in tears again, she croaked, “Have you doubts? Don’t you believe in us anymore?”
“Don’t cry. I was… just confused,” the blonde hushed and turned around. Face to face they looked at each other, “Please, don’t be so sad.”
“I’m sorry but I can’t help it. When I flew back here I pictured this so differently. I thought we’d be just like we were back then. I guess it’s that bond that used to be so strong. It’s gone isn’t it? I mean,” Belle inhaled sharply and went on in a breaking voice, “I’m alone even with you here. I can see that you don’t want to be with me because I left you in the care of these people who claimed to want only the best.”
Mother and son looked strikingly lost within the vast decadence of the suite. Surrounded by the luxury interior their tears seemed wrong. Somehow it felt like being on a stage and they both thought that. Yet, they were both trapped in two different plays that happened to collide in a crossover. Spencer watched her as she paced back and forth the suite. Her black hair was moving accordingly to her mood, which was already spiced up with anger.
“We’re here now but you don’t seem the slightest bit happy. How can you not be happy when you are with me?”
From time to time she brushed through her hair or touched her neck. Her face showed her agitation and impatience because she liked to end this argument. She was tired and in need for this to become what she always wanted. His reluctance, his evident sadness estranged and angered her. The tiredness forced out some frustrated tears, which inevitably had Spencer once again torn between rational thoughts and the urge to end her sorrow.
“What did that boy do to you? I mean, do you rather want to be with him than with your mother?”
“Mom, please,” Spencer slowly kept loosing it. His head started to ache badly and his world started to crumble. He wanted her to stop crying. No, he needed her to stop crying. There was no way that he could endure this any longer. He knew that he was weak and in his head he apologized to Kenji, utterly sure that he would lose him. Not only that but that he was about to hurt Kenji just as badly as he had apparently hurt his mother. “Please, tell me what I can do to make you happy,” he asked and it almost sounded like some sort of defeat.
“Just love me, baby. Keep your promise. Just be with me like we always wanted,” Belle hushed and her voice sounded different as her hand caressed over his cheeks.
Kiss it all away, she asked and he complied because he couldn’t fight against the feeling. He couldn’t risk losing her again because the pain he remembered was there again. Even though a part of him was now aware that it was wrong; not just a vague notion but a very clear awareness. Nonetheless she had taken complete control of his mind. It was her holding the strings because she had raised him that way.
His own happiness didn’t matter in that moment and maybe it never had. The more Spencer let himself fall back into the twisted relationship with his mother the more he distanced himself from his real life and most importantly from Kenji. It took everything out of him and broke his heart into a million pieces but he pushed Kenji out of his thoughts. He slid into an old familiar character by becoming what his mother wanted.
Every one of his moves were made protectively, which was what she always needed and now that he was a grown man she was convinced more than ever of this affection. Spencer didn’t show her what he really felt. Instead he gave her what she claimed with utter tenderness. That it was wrong didn’t matter because he already knew he had doomed himself. This would be it from now on for the rest of his life and he was sure of it because despite his own twisted feelings he was certain that his mommy would never let him go. It gave him a sour taste when he realized that what he had wanted back for so long had become something he now wished to be gone again.
Only much later, when it was over and his mother was sleeping, Spencer allowed himself to cry silently, and turned away from her as he tasted the bitterness of his guilt on his lips. There was so much shame raving inside of him that it deprived him of rest and sleep and filled him up with a constant feeling of sorrow.
That however was making it easier the next day. When she was parking outside of Kenji’s house and said, “Be quick.”
The only reason why he was there was Wicket because his mom had noticed that the stuffed animal was nowhere in sight and when she heard that he had left him with Kenji she had reacted as furiously as she had reacted when he told her that he loved him. Angrily she forced him to pick the toy up.
Spencer felt her eyes on his back when he rang the doorbell and was let in by a startled Riku, who said, “Jesus, we’ve been looking all over for you…”
Wordlessly the blonde passed him and rushed upstairs, avoiding looking at Kenji’s parents. He more or less stumbled into the room and his plan was to grab Wicket and run away. It was a simple plan but once he opened the door and stared at Kenji everything around him stopped and he felt glued to the spot on the ground.
“Spencer!” Kenji gasped out and asked, “Where have you been? Suzie called and said that you were gone…”
“I have to go. My mom… she’s back… and I have to go,” Spencer hastily explained and blushed ashamedly.
“Your mom?” Kenji shook his head and added, “Wait, where are you going?”
“I don’t know,” Spencer replied and moved nervously back and forth, “I just wanted to get Wicket.”
“Wait,” Kenji raised his hand and brushed through his hair before he said, “You’re leaving? With her?”
“I have to go,” the blonde repeated uncomfortably, feeling such a heavy pain growing inside his stomach that he tensed under it.
“Is she forcing you? I mean, has she…”
“Please, Kenji… just let me go. I don’t want to explain it.”
“You don’t want to explain it? Is this a joke?” Kenji’s voice trembled because he sincerely doubted it to be a joke but he couldn’t understand any of it, not Spencer’s sickly guilty face and not the concept of him leaving.
“I’m sorry,” Spencer only said and turned around when Kenji yelled, “Don’t you dare and open that door. You cannot leave with her. No, seriously, Spencer you cannot leave with her. You can’t do that. I mean,” Kenji felt his voice breaking when he breezed out, “You can’t just leave me.”
The blonde looked at Kenji and felt almost exactly like he had before when his mom cried but with differences. For one his mommy was alone and Kenji was not. There was Riku and his parents and friends. In addition he had also horribly betrayed Kenji. Spencer knew it and he was also convinced that there was nothing that he could do to make this undone. He would forever be guilty of doing that and because he rather had Kenji not cry but hating him he said it in a calm emotionless voice, “I’m going with her. She needs me. She needed me last night and I gave her what she wanted,” simple as that and said in a way he had never talked before.
His reasons were simple he wanted to hit Kenji as hard as he could. Spencer wanted to be hated for he hated himself so much at that very moment.
“Y… you,” Kenji swallowed and for a brief moment feared to faint because he was overwhelmed with such strong emotions that they made him stutter, “Why are you telling me this?”
“I knew it was wrong. I know it is wrong. But she needs me. I’m sorry you’ve trusted me and I’m sorry I’m hurting you. I can’t ever take it back. I can’t stop it either. I can’t see her cry. I just can’t. I can’t make her sad.”
“What about me?”
Spencer felt tears and he dreaded them. Therefore he swirled around and fished Wicket from Kenji’s bed, “Just hate me.”
“What? What the fuck are you talking about? You are not really meaning any of this. It’s fucking illegal for one thing. It’s sick. Can’t you fucking see that? She’s blackmailing you with her tears. Jesus Christ, she’s abusing you.”
“No. It’s not like that. You don’t understand. But you don’t have to either.”
“You are not her lover, goddamn it! She’s your mother, Spencer. Your mother! Please, just take one minute and think about it. Think about all that I’ve told you, all that we’ve been through. Just one minute. Sit down and think about it for one fucking minute. You owe me that much,” Kenji demanding in a loud, anguished voice.
“I can’t change it,” Spencer suddenly sobbed out, “I can’t do anything against it. I just can’t. I tried. I really tried but she needs me. She’s my mom,” the blonde’s voice cracked into a desperate crying sound as he added, “And I just want her to be happy. I want to make her happy. You’ve made me happy, Kenji, so very much but I can’t be with you. I’m so sorry that I’m so weak. I’m so sorry that I’m disappointing you. I know what I’ve done is bad and I can never take it back. I wish we never met because then I wouldn’t hurt you so much right now.”
Kenji was frozen on the spot as he watched Spencer whimpering like a little boy and every word cut deep into his heart, “I have to go.”
“But,” Kenji wanted to approach him, to act in the moment but he didn’t, “I love you,” he whispered when Spencer was already out of the door. Just like that. It was impossible. What happened was impossible and could not have been real. None of it. For one thing, Spencer had chosen his mother. That alone was utterly wrong. The worst of all was that Kenji knew how much the blonde hated it.
It wasn’t happiness painted on his face but defeat. After all they’ve been through Kenji would have never expected that. Even when Dr. Hollister warned him just a few months ago he had dismissed that option. The psychiatrist had told him that Spencer was clearly having problems with dependency and he warned Kenji specifically about reuniting mother and son.
Kenji had asked him why and the doctor had said that under the pressure of seeing her again he might act like she would asked him do act. He had said that Spencer might not be able to make a clear judgement of right and wrong on that occasion. All year long he had urged to have Spencer enter another therapy but it had been pushed aside for other things.
Things that now seemed preposterously shallow and Kenji was still not moving when his mom came into his room. He just cried because he hadn’t listened enough and had dismissed all the warnings. All because he had so heavily believed in this love and doubted that anything would be able to destroy that. Besides no one ever truly believed her to be coming back. He didn’t know what to do or what to say and couldn’t help but imagine Spencer and his mom, somewhere, someplace.
His mom and dad tried to comfort him. They tried to but failed in their attempt. Lawrence Trainour showed up the next day and assured that they would not let this happen, that they would find them but Kenji wasn’t sure if he even wanted that. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see the blonde again because he had underestimated the situation.
Zane showed up to give comfort but Riku sent him away because Kenji didn’t want to see him. He didn’t want to see anybody or talk to anyone because he felt like a fool. A heartbroken fool and that feeling deprived him of energy to do anything else than to sit glooming in his room or rather the tepee, thinking at what point it all went wrong. There wasn’t just one moment, though because all it took was for her to show up again in the blonde’s life.
For a while Kenji tried to hate him. He sincerely tried the first two days but failed miserably because he still loved him and he hated him to be with her. Maybe he would eventually have found that hatred inside of him had not a package arrived only five days after Spencer vanished from his life.
“What is it?” He had asked in a tired voice because he was feeling tired day in and day out.
“I have no idea. The stamp says Texas,” his father answered and with a sigh Kenji walked downstairs.
His father tried not to focus on the wretched facial impression and the lack of all excitement in his son’s face but simply said, “Let’s just open it.”
Still only mildly interested Kenji watched his dad as he opened the package. It’s content, however changed everything. His jaw dropped when his dad pulled out Wicket and gave him a blank stare. Almost in a trance Kenji took the stuffed animal in his hands and looked at the post-it his father held up.
“He will have it better with you” was all that it stated.
“I need to borrow Riku’s car,” Kenji said, much to his father’s surprise.
“What?”
“Can’t you see?”
“See what?”
“That he needs help. I have to get him back,” Kenji explained to his baffled father, who instantly shook his head.
“You don’t know that. Besides, you are seventeen. I’m not letting you drive across the country. What if you find him and he doesn’t want to go? What if this is just a way of saying good-bye?”
“She’s abusing him, dad. I have to help him.”
“Are you really sure about that? Are you absolutely sure that it isn’t mutual?”
“How can you say that?” Kenji snarled out in disbelief and his heavy blushing face wasn’t exactly helping his cause.
“Things like that happen everywhere.”
“Things like what?”
“I know it’s morally wrong but he’s an adult now…”
“Stop it. Really, think about what you are saying. Do you really want to be one of those who make it seem so fucking harmless? To answer your question, dad, yes I am sure. I’m sure because I’ve seen him when he picked that fucking bear up and he wasn’t happy. I’ve also seen him with me. I held him in my arms and I kissed him. I know how he felt, dad. He was happy with me and he isn’t with her. You know why? Because she’s abusing him. He wants her to be his mother but that’s not what she wants to be. I can make that clear to him. I know I can and I have to.”
“What if he doesn’t want to go?”
“God, dad,” Kenji snapped, frustrated and scratched his head, “You know what? If he doesn’t want to go I might kill myself. Is that what you wanted to hear? Don’t you think that it freaks me out? I don’t even know what I’m going to say but I know that this means something. He wouldn’t send Wicket away. The only reason why he left him here in the first place was that it is safe. That’s what he said, dad. That he feels safe here and with me. Wherever they are Spencer doesn’t feel safe otherwise he wouldn’t have sent that goddamn toy.”
“Kenji, please,” his father urged when Riku walked inside the house.
“What’s wrong?” he asked when he saw the agitated faces of his father and his little brother. His eyes wandered to the bear and he asked, “Is that…?”
“Yes,” Kenji answered and turned around, “I have to borrow your car.”
“No, Kenji. You cannot rush into this. You can’t…!”
“I have to. This is my only chance, okay. It’s actually a very simple choice, dad. If I don’t do this I may lose something I love. I’m not willing to lose just yet. Not after all this time. Not after stealing a cat with him, not after having him freak out because of a movie. I’m not done with that yet. I know you think that I’m overly dramatic and hey, you know what, dad, maybe I am. But it’s Spencer and everything around him is part of the drama. Therefore I have to rush into this because without being a little dramatic I stand no fucking chance of getting him back,” Kenji gasped out breathlessly and his father only understood half of it properly.
“Fine,” he replied but before Kenji could turn around he added, “But I’m coming with you.”
“What? No, dad…”
“Yeah, you’re done with the drama now. I’m not even trying to understand all of this. Least of all how you can be so heedlessly in love with that boy but nonetheless I want you to be happy. But I’m not letting you drive into another state alone and I’m certainly not letting you confront a woman who is known to be crazy. If you want to be a hero you either wait a couple of years or you have your dad coming with you!"
“I’d take Dad as a sidekick,” Riku suggested carefully.
“I won’t let you go alone, Kenji,” Mr. Miyagi stated sternly and left Kenji not much of a chance. Besides a part of him was even relieved that he didn’t have to do this by himself. His dad ordered Riku to inform his mother and Lawrence Trainour that they have a lead and will follow it to a small town near the Mexican border.
He took charge of the situation, which helped ease his confusion and own fears down. Better to act than to do nothing, he thought while he started the engine of his car. He had no idea what to expect or how he could be of help but at least he was able to keep an eye on his son. As they were driving down the road he sincerely hoped for a good ending, though feared that too much hope was making everything much worse.
The shimmering lights lit up both faces as they were facing each other. Spencer had a book in his lap and his eyes narrowed in disagreement.
“But why won’t you read it to me?” the blonde pouted and Kenji’s mother stood silently in the shadow, trying to figure out what it was all about. Evidently it had to do with Kenji’s gift for him.
“Because you can read and therefore you have to read it by yourself,” her son claimed softly and added a smile, “You have to practice.”
“Why?”
“So you get better with the reading.”
“Is that really so important?” Spencer asked, mostly because he liked when Kenji read stories to him. The book was lying a little heavy in his lap but he unconsciously caressed the skin softly with his hand. It was his Christmas gift and Spencer hadn’t received many that meant something to him. The younger man had given it to him with a shy smile because he hadn’t been sure if it was a good gift. Evidently it was, judging by the blonde’s sparkling eyes. It was a leather wrapped edition of the ‘Arabian Nights,’ and Kenji had partly chosen it because he knew his mother had never told those tales to him. Somehow the idea of introducing Spencer to an entire new variety of adventure stories and fairy tales sounded like a perfect gift.
Only a few weeks ago when Kenji had told him about the book of a thousand and one nights, Spencer had reacted very excitedly, which had the younger man feeling incredibly touched. The literal epic tells the story of Scheherazade, a Sassanid Queen, who must relate stories to delay her execution. After hearing the story of Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves in particular, the blonde was hooked and it took Kenji quite a while to find a nice edition. Not only those famous tales had captured Spencer’s mind but the simple idea of the storyline. Even though he had sincere doubts regarding the time span and claimed instantly that the queen couldn’t possibly have taken one thousand and one nights, he still looked wildly enchanted by that strange Arabic world. He also said that he’d like for Kenji to tell him more stories.
However, Kenji refused in order to force Spencer to read the stories himself. That had them arguing for almost ten minutes and they hadn’t noticed Mrs. Miyagi sitting at the first step on the staircase with her arms wrapped around her knees, listening to the romantic squabbling between the boys.
“You know what? You are just lazy,” Kenji said and shook his head.
The blonde protested by making a face, “I’m not lazy! I just like hearing your voice.”
“Don’t sweet talk your way out of this.”
Kenji’s mom smiled with his words and she felt even a bit proud. Obviously Kenji was very well aware that Spencer could act rather manipulatively, although the blonde never really was wary of it; Which had him react to Kenji’s accusation with a dismayed puff and the words, “I’m not.”
“Then why are you giving me that look?“
Dumbfounded, the blonde shook his head and angled it to the side, asking, “What look? That’s how I look. I can’t look differently.”
Spencer had his lip curled incredulously, which unfortunately amused Kenji and the younger man smiled broadly, “You are messing with me, aren’t you?”
Instead of answering the blonde shrugged and leaned close to him to hush a kiss onto Kenji’s lips, whispering, “No, I’m not.”
“Well, will you try and read those stories by yourself?”
“Okay,” Spencer replied a little too hastily and earned a suspicious glare.
“Will you tell them to me?”
“Tell what?”
“The stories! From the book,” Kenji hissed, partly annoyed and partly amused but only received a very disarming smile and a kiss. Just when he decided to give up on the reading matter and get lost in one of those kisses he flinched because Spencer abruptly jumped up, wheezing excitedly, “Uh! I have a gift for you, too!”
When Spencer arrived only three days ago he had acted very secretively and Kenji sort of figured that it was because of a Christmas gift. It had surprised him and naturally made him curious. When the blonde handed him a small package, wrapped up in glossy magazine paper, Kenji had no idea what to expect. Last years Christmas they hadn’t exchanged gifts because the blonde said that gifts on Christmas were generally wrong.
He hadn’t been very exact with his explanation but Aunt Jennifer later filled Kenji in with Arabelle Trainour's fight against the holidays. It had started, according to Spencer’s aunt, when Belle was around twelve. She had basically used all the common phrases and refused to give the ‘man’ any money to support this tasteless decadence. Although she never had any problems using a credit card, Jennifer had grunted when she ended yet another story of her sister’s delinquency.
A couple of weeks ago Spencer changed his mind, mostly because he found something that he wanted to give Kenji on a special occasion and therefore one fine day simply stated that he would like to celebrate Christmas this year in a traditional way. He had actually used that word. It was a big step for the blonde since he usually supported his mother’s opinion, even though he had never made one for himself.
For as long as he could remember he had never even ‘wanted’ to celebrate Christmas. His parents made up a really long story that mainly was surrounded by the word commerce and he didn’t truly understand any of it. His Grandfather later had told him about Jesus. Whether or not Christmas was Jesus’ birthday, Spencer generally didn’t care. The only thing he used to enjoy had been the lights and the very calm sound of the people’s voices.
People seemed different around that time and for the most part Spencer had liked that. Back in the clinic a lot of kids tended to get sad around Christmas but the blonde hadn’t felt particularly different and since he had always felt kind of sad nothing changed for him. This year it was supposed to be different. Therefore he kept annoying a lot of people by asking questions regarding Christmas and tradition, which is where he learned the concept of the word ‘traditional’ and kept using it, sometimes completely out of context, in random sentences. Nobody could explain why, not even Spencer himself who simply liked the sound of it.
Due his research many things had become very clear to him and many had him confused. He was impressed about the number of people solely claiming Jesus’ birthday as the reason for songs, tree and gifts. His mom didn’t talk about Jesus or the Church that often and mostly only explained things to him when it was part of a poem or a novel. Much to his surprise he found out that most of what she had told him was not exactly the view of others.
He also concluded that the subject wasn’t one people often talked about since they all seemed to stuttered more than explaining, and some people like Riku for example, would downright state that Christmas was an excuse to buy expensive gifts and have a terrific dinner. Other people like Zane did not celebrate Christmas but Hanukkah, which was a Jewish holiday and Spencer liked both stories equally, though decided on focusing on the Christian one since that was what was celebrated in Kenji’s family.
Back at the Trainour's, Christmas had always been a drag, mainly because everything had felt forced. He was forced into nice clothing, they were all forced to eat at the main house and then he was forced to pretend he liked sitting with his entire family in front of a tree; Which he didn’t and he wasn’t really good at faking it either. Spencer’s complete lack of interest in the gifts or the holiday itself was one of the many reasons why the rest of his family found him strange. For Belle it was a protest but with Spencer something else. Strongly influenced by her he could find no need in dressing up for all of this and he never liked any of the gifts given to him anyway.
No one ever tried to explain it to him later when she was already gone. Most people around him acted in a sort of defeat as if he had passed the proper age to learn the magic about Christmas. Thus, only alienated him further and he never accepted gifts. Now that he had already received a present he was utterly convinced that Christmas in itself wasn’t such a bad idea at all. He was like a child that had just discovered its beauty because he loved Kenji’s gift. This was something he wanted to take home and it was given to him by Kenji, which had his hormones out of control.
It also made him look cautiously when he reached out for the package. Ruben had actually helped him to wrap it up. They used Suzie’s Glamour magazine, which she hadn’t really liked, though after Spencer had looked at her completely wretched over her anger, she calmed down. It wasn’t as shiny as some of the other papers but Spencer liked the result of it nonetheless. If possible he was much more excited about handing out a gift than being at the receiving end.
His nervousness was visibly increasing when Kenji started to unwrap his gift. Spencer sat down again with his legs crossed and shifted from side to side, his hands constantly moving and he was blushing heavily. Funnily enough, Kenji’s mother was excited as well and tried to see more clearly by very slowly sliding one step down. She recognized a silver frame but couldn’t see the content. At first she thought it to be a picture of the both of them but judging by Kenji’s facial impression it was a little more than that.
The complete lack of a comment made Spencer feeling a little apprehensive and he cleared his throat by pointing out the obvious, “It’s a star.”
Technically it was solely a peace of paper formed into a certificate. It even stated at the far end in very small letters that naming this star would not be scientifically recognized though it didn’t matter. What mattered was that Kenji hadn’t expected that. He couldn’t find a proper way to say thank you and gave him a blank stare.
“There are actually two, you know,” Spencer croaked, slightly confused over Kenji’s reaction and very quietly added, “Even when we are long gone they’ll still be up there.”
It was Nurse Suzie that gave him the idea since she once brought in a catalogue that persuaded people into the idea of naming stars after loved ones. The blonde had stolen the advertisement and read it by himself. It promised eternal love manifested in the sky, a sentence he didn’t fully understand but liked the idea of it immensely.
Spencer had actually asked Aunt Jennifer for the money the last time she had been visiting, which she had started doing on a frequent basis. Of course she would help, she offered, happy that she could finally do something for him. Besides she liked the idea, that none of it was actually for real was something Spencer didn’t care very much about. Least of all he cared about some scientist calling those stars by the purchased name because all that mattered for him was the concept of being eternally bound to Kenji. At least in the sky.
“I…” Kenji started but faltered in his words and struggled with his voice.
“They are so far up in the sky that we can’t even see them,” Spencer explained nervously because he couldn’t define Kenji’s reaction.
Kenji wanted to say that he loved him but couldn’t say those words due the knot in his throat that partly made him feel embarrassed. Scientifically acknowledged or not, Spencer had just given him a star. He shook his head and cleared his throat to only say, “I love you,” because thank you wouldn’t really cover what he was feeling.
Upstairs his mother listened intently and almost shrieked when she noticed her older son Riku, sinking down next to her, hushing, “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“What are you doing?”
“Watching them,” she admitted honestly and gave her oldest a soft smile, “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, Mom,” Riku whispered and then followed her eyes towards his little brother and the strange blonde.
“Spencer gave him a star,” she explained in a lowered voice while downstairs the blonde had claimed more kisses from her son.
“I can’t even say I’m surprised,” he replied dryly and smiled, “They are disgustingly cheesy.”
“I think it’s cute.”
Riku rolled his eyes but his voice sounded amused, “Yeah, but you’re a girl, mom. You like that cheesy stuff.”
“Well, it’s romantic, isn’t it?”
“It’s a waste of money. That’s what it is.”
“Do you think they are happy?” she suddenly asked and faced him.
“Of course. Just look at them. And I’m presuming you’ve heard them as well,” Riku replied and made a face, “I really think you should have a talk with Kenji about that. It sounds like they are getting along maybe a bit too well.”
His comment had fit the scene because Kenji had given up on finding the right words and had started kissing the blonde rather intensely. They both sunk to the ground and kept on falling deeper into each other, which had Kenji’s mom cocking an eyebrow, growling, “I don’t even know what to say. You were easy. I’m not really sure what to say to Kenji. I’m afraid to even ask if they are safe.”
“You had no problem yelling at me when Heather slept over,” Riku pouted as he remembered his first ‘serious’ relationship.
“That was different. This is different. I don’t worry about an unwanted pregnancy but if this maybe is too hard for Kenji. You’ve seen how Spencer reacted to his father. There is so much…” she paused, slightly embarrassed when she realized that the two young boys were heavily making out and she cleared her throat, “I think we’ve seen enough.”
As she stood up she felt Riku touching her arm and looked at him, “Don’t worry so much, Mom. I think they are doing pretty good,” he said softly and smiled.
“I guess you’re right. But getting each other stars and fairy tales might not be enough for the real world,” she sighed and then gave him a motherly glare that made Riku shrug and quietly follow her.
Oblivious to his mother’s worry or his brother’s support, Kenji’s mind was completely wrapped up in the moment. It took a lot of strength to finally breeze out in between kisses, “We should go upstairs.”
“Can’t we stay here?” Spencer whispered breathlessly because he liked the soft, sparkling lights from the Christmas tree.
“But my parents…” Kenji tried to reason but was quickly shut up by Spencer’s tongue sliding into his mouth, playfully rotating around his own. Ever since that moment only a couple of hours back in which they had slept together, the blonde seemed extremely at ease around Kenji. He felt safe, protected and uplifted by all those butterflies inside his stomach. Spencer wanted more, a lot more from Kenji and claimed it with tender but fervently demanding touches.
Kenji was helpless against that sort of seduction because it was so different. There was no fear or reluctance but a simple mutual affection that seemed to intensify with every passing second. The extreme reaction towards his father seemed only a distant memory as they embraced each other, soaked in each other’s scent and breathed in the agitation that streamed out of their heated skin.
Being in love felt great in Kenji’s opinion and he wanted to stay in love. He wanted to keep this feeling locked inside his heart forever, no matter how insanely unreal everything sometimes sounded. He wanted to keep the lightness of the moment, where nothing much mattered aside from them and what they felt for each other. Everything felt soft on this night and he found himself giving in, boldly dismissing all concerns regarding other family members.
This second time on the soft carpet in the shadow of the holiday lights started slowly yet passionately and it felt much easier acting by instinct than before. Mostly because Spencer very openly showed his excitement, though he tried hard to stay quiet. Luckily both his mother and brother had already gone to bed with their own thoughts. On the other side Kenji wouldn’t have been able to recognize anything else than the skinny, soft body beneath him. His mind was beautifully distracted by those muted moans and that shy humming coming from the blonde, who was still obviously nervous but much more aroused as well.
Hearing his own name breezed out affectionately by Spencer had a unfathomable affect on Kenji and without even knowing it he had fallen even deeper in love with the blonde. Even when it was over, even when they were long gone upstairs again to catch a few last hours of sleep, his heart was still racing with that emotion. On the crossing to his dream world, Kenji found himself thinking the most ridiculous thoughts, each one stronger than the rest. That this will work. That this had to work.
*
*
The week and with it the last days of the old year passed almost too quickly and when it was time for Spencer to go back to the clinic it was the first time that he absolutely didn’t want to go. He simply wanted to stay with Kenji and even carefully tried to persuade the younger man for letting him stay, which was a bit unfair because if it were up to Kenji, he’d let him move in instantly. His parents, in a way, needed to have that last bit of distance, mainly because they were a little overwhelmed by the past year. It was still strange and as much as they both truly liked the blonde they still needed those few days in the week.
The argument started and died almost instantly by Kenji’s father simply saying ‘no’ and pointing out that Mrs. Miyagi couldn’t look after Spencer every day, which naturally had the blonde blushing in anger since he didn’t believe that he needed a babysitter. He kept silent though, because he partly understood. He just hated to leave. It felt so hard this time.
Kenji offered to visit him that same afternoon and Spencer faked a brave smile because he didn’t want him to notice how sad he felt. It bewildered him to feel that way and it bothered him to feel so scared as well because, of course, it was completely ridiculous. They had been doing this for over a year and despite the rather unwelcome emotions regarding his father nothing had changed. At least, he tried telling himself that and yet it felt as if everything had changed. He felt an intense urge to hold on to Kenji. Although he had always sought out physical contact it had become much more intensely. Everything felt so uplifting new and the past faded more and more.
Unfortunately that almost carefree feeling of happiness inevitably created the so well known fear again and it had Spencer falling slightly back in his previous state. Kenji noticed the increasing nervousness and was made aware of those absent stares because it happened more often than before. Naturally he feared that it might be his fault but Spencer assured him that he was happy, that everything was all right and Kenji couldn’t do anything else than to believe it.
If felt hard for Kenji, too. He didn’t want to let him go because he felt the need to say so much more. Thus, had them both dramatically sad on Sunday afternoon when Kenji stopped his brother’s car in front of the clinic. However for the both of them it was not necessarily a wrong kind of sadness. It was preposterously normal and Nurse Suzie rolled her eyes by the sight of them mostly because they were acting annoyingly youthful. She had not heard about his dad or what happened on Christmas.
Lately the blonde had become more a guest than a patient and they were all sure that it wouldn’t be long until he would leave. His condition seemed promising. In fact everything seemed more than promising. Only Dr. Hollister still often raised concern and warned to be all too cheerful just yet. When Spencer greeted the nurse with a smile and said, “Merry Christmas,” she doubted that warning.
Granted he looked a bit wretched because Kenji’s car was now out of sight but it would only be two days and he would be back with him. As far as Suzie was concerned there was also a chance that Kenji would be back here tomorrow anyway due the very normal behaviour of young people in love. Neither her nor Spencer had seen the woman across the street, hiding from their sight. Kenji never even wasted a look into her direction.
Arabelle had bought a new outfit at LAX and drove to the clinic. She called from a payphone only to be informed that Spencer wasn’t inside but at Kenji’s place. What bothered her most was that, whoever gave her that information used a tone that sounded almost bored as if that wasn’t something important. She kept that casual sound in her own voice and asked when he would be back. They told her that Spencer was expected back later in the afternoon and Belle decided to wait.
With a white headscarf wrapped around her head she hid her long dark hair and black sunglasses disguised her eyes as she gazed at the building. She felt incredibly sad while she did that because in her mind Spencer had been forced into this place and it angered her the more she thought of it. She almost didn’t move in the three hours she waited. Her daily medication, a pharma cocktail out of various highly illegal pills had her calm and patient. Her thoughts were almost similar to those of Spencer if he was in the situation.
Like moving pictures she made up what must have happened to her son. She hadn’t called her sister because she believed her to be a liar who betrayed her because nobody had ever mentioned that boy. Seeing Kenji for the first time and watching them kissing each other made her sick. It felt like a sword sliding through her heart and what hurt most of all was Spencer’s look. She felt a knot in her throat when she saw his face glowing with affection.
He had grown so much; she thought sadly and couldn’t even attempt to move. It didn’t feel like the right moment and something told her that many people might not want them to see each other again. Therefore, Belle simply waited a bit longer before she left to find a place to sleep. From the payphone she called a cab and rented a small room in a motel nearby. Seeing him again had her emotions swirling around her head like a roller coaster. The dominating feeling of all was a very intensive love because that was what she felt. She loved him so heavily that the kiss he shared with Kenji wouldn’t let her sleep and kept hunting her in nightmares.
It had her crying endlessly and every other hour she rushed up, storming through her room in a cloud of despair. She was exhausted when the sun came up but nonetheless cleaned herself up thoroughly before she rented a small convertible and drove back to the clinic.
Back in Agoura Hills, Kenji was sitting in the classroom, listening only half-heartedly to his teacher because Spencer still claimed most of his mind. Every now and then he found himself smiling and only realized it because Zane was throwing him a confused glare. At the same time Spencer informed Suzie, Ash and various other inhabitants or workers in the clinic of his Christmas, carefully leaving out anything regarding his father.
It was just like any other day and when breakfast was over the blonde moved back to his room. He indented to read some of the stories from the book Kenji gave him for Christmas and enjoyed the slight grey of the day. Although Kenji had already told him the story of Ali Baba and forty thieves it was still the first he started to read. He enjoyed the image and very easily pictured himself as the main hero.
He was deep inside the story when someone knocked at his door. As usual when his head wasn’t fully connected to reality it took him a while to lift his head, saying, “Yes?”
It had been fairly easy for Arabelle to sneak inside the clinic and almost easier to find out which room her son was in. When she heard his faint voice she still struggled for a moment, a very brief moment in which something deeply buried inside her whispered that maybe she shouldn’t disturb his life. Another voice however was much stronger and after taking a deep breath she opened the door.
Arabelle smiled without saying a word as she approached her now almost adult son. Spencer didn’t say anything but just stared at her. It took him a moment before he blinked and gazed at the door as if he expected someone else to follow her. When nobody else walked in he fixed them back at his mother, who had rid herself of the headscarf and the sunglasses, revealing the so painfully familiar sight of his mom.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” she hushed and sunk next to him.
The sound of her voice affected him more than her sight and he could feel his heart beating solidly inside his chest.
“They made me leave,” Belle explained and very carefully touched his arm, “But I’m here now.”
For so many days and nights he had prayed to have her back but now that she was sitting next to him he didn’t know what to do. His thoughts were a complete mess because half of them circled around Kenji, Dr. Hollister and all he had learned and the rest solely remembered her. Her eyes, her voice and her scent. He was torn between the strong urge to run away and the desire to simply let himself fall into her arms. The memory of how comforting such an embrace often felt made him lower his eyes in silence because he also knew that some of this was wrong.
“Can’t you look at me?” Belle said and he reacted by looking up, revealing his already tear filled eyes.
He felt the word ‘mommy’ on the tip of his tongue but dared not to speak it out loud. His eyes were closed when she hushed a tender kiss on his cheek and whispered, “I’ve missed you so, so much. Did you miss me, too?”
Her question created the first crack in his sanity and he shifted with a sob, “Yes, I missed you, too.”
She started brushing over his skin and softly wiped away some of the tears, “I’ll never leave you again,” she promised.
“I’m here to take you with me,” she added and had him staring at her perplexedly.
“Take me with you, where?”
“To a place where nobody tries screwing with us,” she growled with nod, “Somewhere safe.”
“To the treehouse?” Spencer asked, sounding a lot more like a child than before.
“No, silly,” she laughed, “The treehouse isn’t safe. Mostly because of Jennifer, that betraying bitch of a sister,” Belle snarled out harshly, another familiar tone but one that had the blonde cringed slightly.
“Don’t say that,” he hushed carefully.
“Why not? She betrayed me. She betrayed us!”
“How?”
“She never told me anything about you. Look at you, how grown up you are,” Belle whispered and pulled him closer, kissing his hair tenderly.
“I’m doing much better,” Spencer said proudly, though unsure if that was even the truth because he didn’t feel better but worse. He felt like he was in a trance and could not find a clear thought.
“Better? You’ve never been sick, baby. They just messed with your mind. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here to protect you.”
Spencer confusion started with her words and increased with every second. He was torn between believing her and doubting her and it gave him a headache. “They messed with my mind?”
“Of course. Look at what they’ve done to us? They’ve killed our baby,” she said without seeing the wrong in her own words. Instead she pressed closer to him searching for that trust she always felt with her son.
“But we weren’t supposed to have…”
“Is that what they told you? Is that why you betrayed me?”
With a blank stare the blonde asked in a trembling voice, “I betrayed you?”
“Who is Kenji?” Belle asked in a very harsh tone and it made the blonde feel guilty all of the sudden.
“My b… boyfriend…” he answered truthfully in a hoarse voice.
His mother let out a snarling sound and shook her head, “Since when are you a fucking girl?”
All tenderness had vanished out of her voice and it sounded cold and accusing. Spencer blushed heavily and the feeling of guilt increased. “I’m not a girl,” he replied timidly.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes, I do,” Spencer answered and instantly regretted his words when his skin started reacting to her slaps. They weren’t really hurting him physically but had him breaking from the inside. Her voice made it worse for it was tear filled and full of utter disappointment.
“How can you even say that?” Belle’s anger busted out of her and she yelled furiously, “How could you forget our promise? Why are you hurting me so much?”
His mother didn’t care if anyone would hear her. It was simply not in her nature to care about such trivial things. She wouldn’t know how to keep her voice low anyway because her rage had already taken control of her actions. Most of the patients where outside anyway and only Ash heard a loud female voice but only shrugged and turned up the volume of his Walkman.
The content of what she was screaming at him struck Spencer so hard that he let out a heavy sob when he comprehended her words. He hadn’t been aware that he was hurting her. That him being with Kenji would hurt her never crossed his mind. Even though he always knew that his mommy wouldn’t like Kenji he never expected her to be hurt by it. She stopped hitting him and broke down in the middle of the room with her hands brushing frantically through her long, black hair. Like a broken record she kept whimpering, “I’ve trusted you. I thought we were soul mates.”
Her sight and her despair touched him like it had when he was a child. Thick tears trailed down his cheeks as he hated himself for being the reason for her sorrow. Ruefully he lowered his eyes and croaked, “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I never wanted…”
“Shut up. Stop lying to me. Stop pretending to care about me,” Belle spat out mercilessly. She sounded like a defiant child.
“Please,” Spencer almost unconsciously hushed and slid down from the bed, the Arabian Nights fell to the ground when he approached her, “Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Everything that he had learned from Kenji had been pushed aside by this need to make her happy. Seeing her with those tear-struck eyes was something he simply couldn’t endure. Very slowly he knelt down and softly brushed a strain of hair away.
Still filled with this unjustified fury, Belle harshly pushed his hand aside and snarled, “Sorry? You broke a promise. All because of this Kenji. You are throwing me away for this boy?”
“No,” Spencer sobbed out in utter despair, “I’m not…”
“You broke my heart. All because you want to be Kenji’s little bitch.”
Belle never cared about cursing and the only reason why Spencer hated it was that he had hated it back then as well because every time his mother would say something that was meant to sound horrible her voice estranged him. It felt like something was choking him and he instantly felt like a little boy. That she was right, at least in his chaotic mind, was making it worse. Once he had promised that he would only love her. A part of him though felt incredibly affected that she talked so badly about Kenji.
“I’m not… I’m not his…”
“Don’t lie. Please, it’s bad enough that you claim to love him. It’s bad enough that you simply forgot about me. And I was so sure that nobody would be able to destroy what we had. I always thought that you love me but obviously I was wrong…”
“But I do. I love you. Please, mommy,” Spencer croaked and helplessly stretched out his hand. He couldn’t stand her being so angry. A terrible guilt started to form and ate him up from the inside because mommy was so angry with him. Her unforgivable tears and the disappointed sounding voice gave him a sickening feeling that had him groan for a moment, “I’m sorry,” he croaked while he tried to yield himself from this pain.
He flinched and shielded himself with his arms when she slapped him continuously. Her blows so much weaker than the pain she caused him. When all her rage faded she pulled back before breaking out into another heavy wave of tears, “All this time I thought that once I came back it would be perfect again. Just like it was. And that I have to hear it from that stupid Oliver. He was the one telling me that my baby loves someone else. Have you any idea how painful that is for a mother?”
Spencer was helplessly crying and couldn’t control his body. His shoulders rattled under her words and he sobbed out a plead for her to forgive him. He was not able see through her words or manipulative way but only felt sorry and was utterly convinced that he was the reason for her sadness, that all of this was solely his fault. It was making him feel so cold and so alone, vulnerable and helpless because she sounded like she was leaving. He didn’t want her to leave; at least a part of him didn’t want that to happen. His eyes were pleading as they followed her when she moved up and theatrically sunk onto the bed.
There was always a breeze theatre in all of her gestures. All she ever did was perform a play. Nonetheless, her tears were real as were the reasons why she cried them. With all the dramatic emotions she felt betrayed and unloved by her son. She felt estranged by his much darker voice and that adult look. Belle wanted her son back and therefore she cried out, “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have left you.”
It’s all about making the crying stop, Spencer thought as he slid next to her and started softly stroking over her rocking shoulders, “But you are back now.”
If anyone was able to change a moment of discomfort better than the blonde it was undoubtly Belle Trainour Boone. Even though her tear stained cheeks were still blushing with that anger and sadness she smiled when she turned around. It was a warm smile that completely set in contrast to the coldness in her voice before.
“I saw lions,” she hushed and her smile brightened when there was this shadow of interest washing over Spencer face, “Real lions. I thought of you and wished you there with me so badly that I cried.”
Surprisingly enough Spencer was incapable of dealing with the sudden subject change and stared at her with a confused look. He wasn’t sure whether or not she had forgiven him and wasn’t sure if she still intended to take him away. There was also something very strongly scaring him. He thought of Kenji but pushed it aside so quickly for he realized that thinking of Kenji had distorted into something incredibly painful.
“Where did you see the lions, mommy?” He asked instead and exhaled heftily when she wrapped her arm around his shoulders.
“In South Africa. I’ve seen tigers, too. I’ve seen so many great things but it all felt shallow without someone to share it with.”
“I’m sorry,” the blonde replied in defeat because evidently, all this time apart she suffered more than him.
Belle kissed his temple in a motherly gesture and said, “I know, baby. It’s all going to be all right from now on. Go and get your things so we can leave this horrible place.”
She had stopped crying and dismissed her anger and the previous outburst exactly like Spencer used to change certain moments. Her voice sounded more melodic and tender, though slightly aghast when she spoke of the place, her son had called home for so many years. It didn’t matter to her. All that mattered was the future she had created in her mind.
“It’s not so bad, Mom. And I don’t think we can just leave.”
“Of course we can. Spencer, do you not want to come with me?”
She eyed him suspiciously while the blonde fought with his thoughts, not sure what to do. He couldn’t tell her that he would very much like to stay here and he didn’t dare to mention Kenji again. It would make her angry and Spencer couldn’t have her angry or sad again, therefore he swallowed his own despair down and croaked helplessly, “I want to come with you, Mom.”
Belle rewarded him with a hug and a broad smile. She jumped of the bed and clapped her hands with the words, “Then let’s go.”
Very slowly Spencer started to comply and gathered a few personal things. He realized that Wicket would not be part of this journey for the stuffed animal was still at Kenji’s. Under her observing eyes he hastily pushed the thought away and didn’t really look at what he was packing. The last item was the book Kenji gave him because he figured it would be the only thing left of him. Every move felt somewhat exhausting because Spencer had the distinct feeling of doing the wrong thing but was unable to change it.
Silently he followed his mom outside and when Suzie spotted them he lowered his eyes.
“Excuse me? Hello? Spencer? Where are you going? And who are you?” The nurse asked suspiciously but was struck silent when Belle swirled around.
“I am his mother and where he’s going is none of your business. One thing is sure he most certainly won’t come back,” the mother snarled in a dark voice and unlike Spencer, Suzie was well aware of the glassy eyes and the trembling lips. That woman was far from being mentally stable and therefore the nurse tried to reason in a soothing tone.
“Please, don’t do that. I will have to call the police, Mrs. Boone because Spencer can’t just leave this clinic.”
“Oh, I see. He can’t leave with his mother but you let him go to fuck around with a boy? What sort of a clinic is this?”
“Miss, please, let me, at least alert one of his Doctors. He needs Medication, as well.”
“He needs me and that’s all he needs,” Belle sternly said and turned around, pulling the blonde with her. Spencer himself didn’t react to any of it and never turned around when Suzie urged him to not follow his mother. Almost apathetically he complied with his mother and followed her into the rented car.
The nurse instantly turned around and yelled at one of her co-workers, “Call the police,” she ordered while she took the phone to call Kenji.
*
*
Kenji at first believed it to be a bad joke when Suzie told him that Spencer left the clinic with his mother. It sounded so completely wrong that he laughed at first and said, “That’s impossible.”
“I’m sorry, Kenji but he went with her. He didn’t even look at me. I don’t know, I’m not an expert but he looked like under a spell. And she was definitely filled up with something. I’m so sorry but…”
An entire year flashed before Kenji’s eyes before he slowly repeated his previous statement, though without laughter as its echo, “That’s impossible.”
It was Kenji’s mom who noticed her son’s pale face and she took the phone away from him shortly before his knees gave in and he kept saying, “But it’s impossible.”
“Kenji?” she asked worriedly and his father looked up when she asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” Kenji croaked with a tightened chest and felt suddenly like someone had kicked him in his stomach, “I don’t fucking know!”
His mother pressed the phone to her ear and listened to Suzie repeating what had happened all the while she and her husband tried holding Kenji up. Her son had not comprehended the situation and when he finally sunk onto a chair there was such confusion painted on his face that she inhaled sharply because she felt so incredibly sorry.
“The police said that they wouldn’t file any charges unless Trainour Senior says so. They would have to wait 24 hours anyway but already said that the boy is an adult and with his mother, which isn’t sounding like a bad thing to them. The officer in charge seemed not very interested but we also called the Trainour’s and I’m hoping they will push them to act,” Suzie explained with a guilty sound in her voice.
“Thank you for calling,” Mrs. Miyagi managed to say before she hung up.
“Kenji,” she started softly but earned a wild and angry reaction.
“It’s impossible! He wouldn’t go with her. I mean,” Kenji’s voice cracked because he needed to get rid of the many thoughts hunting his mind. Too many of them felt disturbingly wrong. He hated the weird looks of his parents because they probably were thinking the same horrible thing. He wanted to say something else, make a statement, and make it clear how ridiculous this was but a heavy wave of tears wouldn’t allow him to orate his thoughts.
*
*
They checked into a first class hotel in Beverly Hills and Belle didn’t even care if the use of the credit card would tell others where they are because as far as she was concerned, Spencer was an adult and so was she and what she was feeling was certainly not wrong. She didn’t care about the curious glances from the staff and introduced them as newlyweds. Her mood was on a very heavy high when they entered the suite.
More effective than the drugs was the excitement raging inside her heart because she was united with the one person she trusted and loved the most. It never occurred to her that she was hurting him. Not one thought, she wasted on the moral issue of the matter and she sounded even surprised when his silenced made her, softly asking, “What’s wrong, baby?”
“I’m scared,” he suddenly confessed because he used to trust her and it needed to be said.
“Scared of what, baby?”
“We’re not going back, are we?”
“There is nothing to go back to. We can forget our mistakes and just go forward from here on. Nobody is going to disturb us. I will show you the lions and many other things and we will be happy,” Belle sold her own ideas for the future in a tempting voice with her lips close to his cheeks.
“Will we? Be happy, I mean,” Spencer asked and felt her breath on his neck.
His mother took a step back and looked slightly shocked. Slowly she shook her head. Almost in tears again, she croaked, “Have you doubts? Don’t you believe in us anymore?”
“Don’t cry. I was… just confused,” the blonde hushed and turned around. Face to face they looked at each other, “Please, don’t be so sad.”
“I’m sorry but I can’t help it. When I flew back here I pictured this so differently. I thought we’d be just like we were back then. I guess it’s that bond that used to be so strong. It’s gone isn’t it? I mean,” Belle inhaled sharply and went on in a breaking voice, “I’m alone even with you here. I can see that you don’t want to be with me because I left you in the care of these people who claimed to want only the best.”
Mother and son looked strikingly lost within the vast decadence of the suite. Surrounded by the luxury interior their tears seemed wrong. Somehow it felt like being on a stage and they both thought that. Yet, they were both trapped in two different plays that happened to collide in a crossover. Spencer watched her as she paced back and forth the suite. Her black hair was moving accordingly to her mood, which was already spiced up with anger.
“We’re here now but you don’t seem the slightest bit happy. How can you not be happy when you are with me?”
From time to time she brushed through her hair or touched her neck. Her face showed her agitation and impatience because she liked to end this argument. She was tired and in need for this to become what she always wanted. His reluctance, his evident sadness estranged and angered her. The tiredness forced out some frustrated tears, which inevitably had Spencer once again torn between rational thoughts and the urge to end her sorrow.
“What did that boy do to you? I mean, do you rather want to be with him than with your mother?”
“Mom, please,” Spencer slowly kept loosing it. His head started to ache badly and his world started to crumble. He wanted her to stop crying. No, he needed her to stop crying. There was no way that he could endure this any longer. He knew that he was weak and in his head he apologized to Kenji, utterly sure that he would lose him. Not only that but that he was about to hurt Kenji just as badly as he had apparently hurt his mother. “Please, tell me what I can do to make you happy,” he asked and it almost sounded like some sort of defeat.
“Just love me, baby. Keep your promise. Just be with me like we always wanted,” Belle hushed and her voice sounded different as her hand caressed over his cheeks.
Kiss it all away, she asked and he complied because he couldn’t fight against the feeling. He couldn’t risk losing her again because the pain he remembered was there again. Even though a part of him was now aware that it was wrong; not just a vague notion but a very clear awareness. Nonetheless she had taken complete control of his mind. It was her holding the strings because she had raised him that way.
His own happiness didn’t matter in that moment and maybe it never had. The more Spencer let himself fall back into the twisted relationship with his mother the more he distanced himself from his real life and most importantly from Kenji. It took everything out of him and broke his heart into a million pieces but he pushed Kenji out of his thoughts. He slid into an old familiar character by becoming what his mother wanted.
Every one of his moves were made protectively, which was what she always needed and now that he was a grown man she was convinced more than ever of this affection. Spencer didn’t show her what he really felt. Instead he gave her what she claimed with utter tenderness. That it was wrong didn’t matter because he already knew he had doomed himself. This would be it from now on for the rest of his life and he was sure of it because despite his own twisted feelings he was certain that his mommy would never let him go. It gave him a sour taste when he realized that what he had wanted back for so long had become something he now wished to be gone again.
Only much later, when it was over and his mother was sleeping, Spencer allowed himself to cry silently, and turned away from her as he tasted the bitterness of his guilt on his lips. There was so much shame raving inside of him that it deprived him of rest and sleep and filled him up with a constant feeling of sorrow.
That however was making it easier the next day. When she was parking outside of Kenji’s house and said, “Be quick.”
The only reason why he was there was Wicket because his mom had noticed that the stuffed animal was nowhere in sight and when she heard that he had left him with Kenji she had reacted as furiously as she had reacted when he told her that he loved him. Angrily she forced him to pick the toy up.
Spencer felt her eyes on his back when he rang the doorbell and was let in by a startled Riku, who said, “Jesus, we’ve been looking all over for you…”
Wordlessly the blonde passed him and rushed upstairs, avoiding looking at Kenji’s parents. He more or less stumbled into the room and his plan was to grab Wicket and run away. It was a simple plan but once he opened the door and stared at Kenji everything around him stopped and he felt glued to the spot on the ground.
“Spencer!” Kenji gasped out and asked, “Where have you been? Suzie called and said that you were gone…”
“I have to go. My mom… she’s back… and I have to go,” Spencer hastily explained and blushed ashamedly.
“Your mom?” Kenji shook his head and added, “Wait, where are you going?”
“I don’t know,” Spencer replied and moved nervously back and forth, “I just wanted to get Wicket.”
“Wait,” Kenji raised his hand and brushed through his hair before he said, “You’re leaving? With her?”
“I have to go,” the blonde repeated uncomfortably, feeling such a heavy pain growing inside his stomach that he tensed under it.
“Is she forcing you? I mean, has she…”
“Please, Kenji… just let me go. I don’t want to explain it.”
“You don’t want to explain it? Is this a joke?” Kenji’s voice trembled because he sincerely doubted it to be a joke but he couldn’t understand any of it, not Spencer’s sickly guilty face and not the concept of him leaving.
“I’m sorry,” Spencer only said and turned around when Kenji yelled, “Don’t you dare and open that door. You cannot leave with her. No, seriously, Spencer you cannot leave with her. You can’t do that. I mean,” Kenji felt his voice breaking when he breezed out, “You can’t just leave me.”
The blonde looked at Kenji and felt almost exactly like he had before when his mom cried but with differences. For one his mommy was alone and Kenji was not. There was Riku and his parents and friends. In addition he had also horribly betrayed Kenji. Spencer knew it and he was also convinced that there was nothing that he could do to make this undone. He would forever be guilty of doing that and because he rather had Kenji not cry but hating him he said it in a calm emotionless voice, “I’m going with her. She needs me. She needed me last night and I gave her what she wanted,” simple as that and said in a way he had never talked before.
His reasons were simple he wanted to hit Kenji as hard as he could. Spencer wanted to be hated for he hated himself so much at that very moment.
“Y… you,” Kenji swallowed and for a brief moment feared to faint because he was overwhelmed with such strong emotions that they made him stutter, “Why are you telling me this?”
“I knew it was wrong. I know it is wrong. But she needs me. I’m sorry you’ve trusted me and I’m sorry I’m hurting you. I can’t ever take it back. I can’t stop it either. I can’t see her cry. I just can’t. I can’t make her sad.”
“What about me?”
Spencer felt tears and he dreaded them. Therefore he swirled around and fished Wicket from Kenji’s bed, “Just hate me.”
“What? What the fuck are you talking about? You are not really meaning any of this. It’s fucking illegal for one thing. It’s sick. Can’t you fucking see that? She’s blackmailing you with her tears. Jesus Christ, she’s abusing you.”
“No. It’s not like that. You don’t understand. But you don’t have to either.”
“You are not her lover, goddamn it! She’s your mother, Spencer. Your mother! Please, just take one minute and think about it. Think about all that I’ve told you, all that we’ve been through. Just one minute. Sit down and think about it for one fucking minute. You owe me that much,” Kenji demanding in a loud, anguished voice.
“I can’t change it,” Spencer suddenly sobbed out, “I can’t do anything against it. I just can’t. I tried. I really tried but she needs me. She’s my mom,” the blonde’s voice cracked into a desperate crying sound as he added, “And I just want her to be happy. I want to make her happy. You’ve made me happy, Kenji, so very much but I can’t be with you. I’m so sorry that I’m so weak. I’m so sorry that I’m disappointing you. I know what I’ve done is bad and I can never take it back. I wish we never met because then I wouldn’t hurt you so much right now.”
Kenji was frozen on the spot as he watched Spencer whimpering like a little boy and every word cut deep into his heart, “I have to go.”
“But,” Kenji wanted to approach him, to act in the moment but he didn’t, “I love you,” he whispered when Spencer was already out of the door. Just like that. It was impossible. What happened was impossible and could not have been real. None of it. For one thing, Spencer had chosen his mother. That alone was utterly wrong. The worst of all was that Kenji knew how much the blonde hated it.
It wasn’t happiness painted on his face but defeat. After all they’ve been through Kenji would have never expected that. Even when Dr. Hollister warned him just a few months ago he had dismissed that option. The psychiatrist had told him that Spencer was clearly having problems with dependency and he warned Kenji specifically about reuniting mother and son.
Kenji had asked him why and the doctor had said that under the pressure of seeing her again he might act like she would asked him do act. He had said that Spencer might not be able to make a clear judgement of right and wrong on that occasion. All year long he had urged to have Spencer enter another therapy but it had been pushed aside for other things.
Things that now seemed preposterously shallow and Kenji was still not moving when his mom came into his room. He just cried because he hadn’t listened enough and had dismissed all the warnings. All because he had so heavily believed in this love and doubted that anything would be able to destroy that. Besides no one ever truly believed her to be coming back. He didn’t know what to do or what to say and couldn’t help but imagine Spencer and his mom, somewhere, someplace.
His mom and dad tried to comfort him. They tried to but failed in their attempt. Lawrence Trainour showed up the next day and assured that they would not let this happen, that they would find them but Kenji wasn’t sure if he even wanted that. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see the blonde again because he had underestimated the situation.
Zane showed up to give comfort but Riku sent him away because Kenji didn’t want to see him. He didn’t want to see anybody or talk to anyone because he felt like a fool. A heartbroken fool and that feeling deprived him of energy to do anything else than to sit glooming in his room or rather the tepee, thinking at what point it all went wrong. There wasn’t just one moment, though because all it took was for her to show up again in the blonde’s life.
For a while Kenji tried to hate him. He sincerely tried the first two days but failed miserably because he still loved him and he hated him to be with her. Maybe he would eventually have found that hatred inside of him had not a package arrived only five days after Spencer vanished from his life.
“What is it?” He had asked in a tired voice because he was feeling tired day in and day out.
“I have no idea. The stamp says Texas,” his father answered and with a sigh Kenji walked downstairs.
His father tried not to focus on the wretched facial impression and the lack of all excitement in his son’s face but simply said, “Let’s just open it.”
Still only mildly interested Kenji watched his dad as he opened the package. It’s content, however changed everything. His jaw dropped when his dad pulled out Wicket and gave him a blank stare. Almost in a trance Kenji took the stuffed animal in his hands and looked at the post-it his father held up.
“He will have it better with you” was all that it stated.
“I need to borrow Riku’s car,” Kenji said, much to his father’s surprise.
“What?”
“Can’t you see?”
“See what?”
“That he needs help. I have to get him back,” Kenji explained to his baffled father, who instantly shook his head.
“You don’t know that. Besides, you are seventeen. I’m not letting you drive across the country. What if you find him and he doesn’t want to go? What if this is just a way of saying good-bye?”
“She’s abusing him, dad. I have to help him.”
“Are you really sure about that? Are you absolutely sure that it isn’t mutual?”
“How can you say that?” Kenji snarled out in disbelief and his heavy blushing face wasn’t exactly helping his cause.
“Things like that happen everywhere.”
“Things like what?”
“I know it’s morally wrong but he’s an adult now…”
“Stop it. Really, think about what you are saying. Do you really want to be one of those who make it seem so fucking harmless? To answer your question, dad, yes I am sure. I’m sure because I’ve seen him when he picked that fucking bear up and he wasn’t happy. I’ve also seen him with me. I held him in my arms and I kissed him. I know how he felt, dad. He was happy with me and he isn’t with her. You know why? Because she’s abusing him. He wants her to be his mother but that’s not what she wants to be. I can make that clear to him. I know I can and I have to.”
“What if he doesn’t want to go?”
“God, dad,” Kenji snapped, frustrated and scratched his head, “You know what? If he doesn’t want to go I might kill myself. Is that what you wanted to hear? Don’t you think that it freaks me out? I don’t even know what I’m going to say but I know that this means something. He wouldn’t send Wicket away. The only reason why he left him here in the first place was that it is safe. That’s what he said, dad. That he feels safe here and with me. Wherever they are Spencer doesn’t feel safe otherwise he wouldn’t have sent that goddamn toy.”
“Kenji, please,” his father urged when Riku walked inside the house.
“What’s wrong?” he asked when he saw the agitated faces of his father and his little brother. His eyes wandered to the bear and he asked, “Is that…?”
“Yes,” Kenji answered and turned around, “I have to borrow your car.”
“No, Kenji. You cannot rush into this. You can’t…!”
“I have to. This is my only chance, okay. It’s actually a very simple choice, dad. If I don’t do this I may lose something I love. I’m not willing to lose just yet. Not after all this time. Not after stealing a cat with him, not after having him freak out because of a movie. I’m not done with that yet. I know you think that I’m overly dramatic and hey, you know what, dad, maybe I am. But it’s Spencer and everything around him is part of the drama. Therefore I have to rush into this because without being a little dramatic I stand no fucking chance of getting him back,” Kenji gasped out breathlessly and his father only understood half of it properly.
“Fine,” he replied but before Kenji could turn around he added, “But I’m coming with you.”
“What? No, dad…”
“Yeah, you’re done with the drama now. I’m not even trying to understand all of this. Least of all how you can be so heedlessly in love with that boy but nonetheless I want you to be happy. But I’m not letting you drive into another state alone and I’m certainly not letting you confront a woman who is known to be crazy. If you want to be a hero you either wait a couple of years or you have your dad coming with you!"
“I’d take Dad as a sidekick,” Riku suggested carefully.
“I won’t let you go alone, Kenji,” Mr. Miyagi stated sternly and left Kenji not much of a chance. Besides a part of him was even relieved that he didn’t have to do this by himself. His dad ordered Riku to inform his mother and Lawrence Trainour that they have a lead and will follow it to a small town near the Mexican border.
He took charge of the situation, which helped ease his confusion and own fears down. Better to act than to do nothing, he thought while he started the engine of his car. He had no idea what to expect or how he could be of help but at least he was able to keep an eye on his son. As they were driving down the road he sincerely hoped for a good ending, though feared that too much hope was making everything much worse.