you left me three years ago, but it stings just like yesterday
and i still can't listen to jimi hendrix's song, angel.
there's some gender-neutral language in here. ze replaces "she/he" and hir replaces "him/her".
thanks to danni for proofreading this.
thanks to others that have read this before, and thanks if you're going to read it now.
but read it all at once or not at all. it sucks if you skim.
Rena
A part of me died with her. It was as if her drifting spirit summoned my own to go, and some of it did.
Rena was a little girl, often mistaken for an angel, with one sparkling eye that would draw me in and never let me go. A word exchange wasn't necessary for us to love each other, although I did vocalize how beautiful she was every day. But a tender lick or bark on her part was enough for me to know. She had a few housemates: Jack, who loved her dearly; Nikki, Jack's cousin; and her mother, Cocoa. Her innocence of the world was only shattered when, out of jealousy of her benevolence and beauty, Cocoa and Nikki thought it was necessary to annihilate her. Bloody and vicious fights erupted at any given moment - the only solution was for Rena to be in one room and the other two elsewhere. This system was far from foolproof; soon our walls would be forever bloodstained, my fingernails would be bitten into and fall off, and the gory chains of the three that would take much too long to pry apart would continue to haunt my mind. I was always there for her, much like she was there for me, to save her and blot the hate from her mouth. I was always there, except this one time.
In June, when kids become restless for school to end and you can actually feel the waves of heat stifling you, was when I forgot my house key. My mother had stepped out, so I shimmied through the fence, loosely secured by bricks, to wait on the porch. I saw Jack with his head cocked to the side and Rena with her shining face through the glass of the French-style backdoor. Kneeling down, I scratched at the locked door with her, letting her know that I wanted to be with her just as badly as she wanted to be with me. For a second I considered breaking through the glass, with no regard to my hand, but dismissed the crazy notion just as quickly as it had come.
I realized that there was nothing I could do but wait at that time, so I did. I took out my eighth grade yearbook that I had gotten that day, and drew moustaches and enlarged nostrils on people where I deemed appropriate, became bored, then sat on my backyard swing.
It had been on my to-do list to talk with God. To tell Hir everything Ze already knew, to cry and to make promises that would perpetually be broken. I pushed it back, and back, and back again into my mind, and a moment where I was completely alone and had nothing to do scared me. It was the perfect time and the perfect place and the perfect everything to do it, but I said "No". "Yes" kept struggling, but my "No" strangled it, and with the last breath of "Yes" gone, I stared blankly ahead and was calm. A dark cloud crept behind and over me, and the droplets fell like Heaven had just crumbled.
I walked to the porch for retreat with no haste, soaking up the rain and some sun, smiling at how beautiful nature was. At the backdoor, I saw a concerned Jack look at me, then away as he ran toward the hallway. I tried calling Rena through the door with my squeaky voice that she would always come to me with. But she didn't, and I thought nothing of it. My mother came home shortly after that, let me in, and gasped that all the doors were open. I thought nothing of it.
We both ran to her room to find a mangled Rena on her back; my mother screamed as I stared. Rena's body was wet and limp on the carpet, her crimson tongue dangling by a fiber through her shut mouth, her stomach deflated as lifeless limbs draped over her. I looked to see a guilty smile on Cocoa's face, with her pink teeth bared, knowing what she had done. In hysterics, I fell to the floor and embraced Rena, desperately trying to find a pulse to no avail. With her in my room, I talked and cried with her body wrapped in a blanket until her fleas found her dead blood insufficient, until she was cold and stiff. I knew it was time for her to rest.
My father, hearing the news, left work and came bringing a dozen white roses. In a spot near our wooden fence in the backyard, my dad dug a hole a foot or two underground, and told me to bring her. I lay her on the earth underneath me, let the white petals fall as if it would protect her from decay, and finally let go. I couldn't stand to see him dump the gray dirt atop her, so I turned around and wept. The most bone-chilling sound I thought I'd never have to hear; the sound from the late-night horror film I had watched a week before was the sound of the shovel hissing through the sand, then falling on her body. The sound wrenched my heart and sanity that much more.
I cursed God for taking her from me. However foolish it may have been, I never really talked to Hir. My friends thought I had gone mad, suggesting my dog died as a punishment from God, but I don't believe in coincidences, especially in this situation. I didn't hear any fighting, although they could have only been near windows. It all happened in a matter of minutes, and the sequence was perfect. It happened, and the only thing I can do is remember her.
I can only remember her sweetness that always melted me, how she would sleep on top of me and bark at any trespassers of my room, how her tiny face held so much beauty and her huge heart held so much of mine. Wherever she may be, Rena will always be the Reina of my Heart.
aside from that, LAST NIGHT WAS THE SHIT.
kc and julio busted it out in the drag king show at cloud nine, with yessi as a lovely escort. they almost didn't let me in...but the bouncer asked if i was performing, i said yes, and got in. hell yeah.
and then the awesome kc gave me a nutri-grain bar and many many hugs to keep me going through the night. and then he performed "idiot boyfriend" by jimmy fallon...and again, my face hurt from laughing.
ker also got heckled by a few people for being such a cute little boy, and this drunk guy that i didn't know started grinding on me. haha.
i also saw a pretty drunk mary, this really weird woman/stalker, and this girl who was flashing her ass that looks like ms. keller. AND it was really funny seeing a king who looks like an 11 year old boy sing really perverted rap songs.
and yessi slept over last night and taryn took me out to dinner tonight and i love them and this is the FIRST NIGHT of summer i am...STAYING IN. what a concept.
there's some gender-neutral language in here. ze replaces "she/he" and hir replaces "him/her".
thanks to danni for proofreading this.
thanks to others that have read this before, and thanks if you're going to read it now.
but read it all at once or not at all. it sucks if you skim.
Rena
A part of me died with her. It was as if her drifting spirit summoned my own to go, and some of it did.
Rena was a little girl, often mistaken for an angel, with one sparkling eye that would draw me in and never let me go. A word exchange wasn't necessary for us to love each other, although I did vocalize how beautiful she was every day. But a tender lick or bark on her part was enough for me to know. She had a few housemates: Jack, who loved her dearly; Nikki, Jack's cousin; and her mother, Cocoa. Her innocence of the world was only shattered when, out of jealousy of her benevolence and beauty, Cocoa and Nikki thought it was necessary to annihilate her. Bloody and vicious fights erupted at any given moment - the only solution was for Rena to be in one room and the other two elsewhere. This system was far from foolproof; soon our walls would be forever bloodstained, my fingernails would be bitten into and fall off, and the gory chains of the three that would take much too long to pry apart would continue to haunt my mind. I was always there for her, much like she was there for me, to save her and blot the hate from her mouth. I was always there, except this one time.
In June, when kids become restless for school to end and you can actually feel the waves of heat stifling you, was when I forgot my house key. My mother had stepped out, so I shimmied through the fence, loosely secured by bricks, to wait on the porch. I saw Jack with his head cocked to the side and Rena with her shining face through the glass of the French-style backdoor. Kneeling down, I scratched at the locked door with her, letting her know that I wanted to be with her just as badly as she wanted to be with me. For a second I considered breaking through the glass, with no regard to my hand, but dismissed the crazy notion just as quickly as it had come.
I realized that there was nothing I could do but wait at that time, so I did. I took out my eighth grade yearbook that I had gotten that day, and drew moustaches and enlarged nostrils on people where I deemed appropriate, became bored, then sat on my backyard swing.
It had been on my to-do list to talk with God. To tell Hir everything Ze already knew, to cry and to make promises that would perpetually be broken. I pushed it back, and back, and back again into my mind, and a moment where I was completely alone and had nothing to do scared me. It was the perfect time and the perfect place and the perfect everything to do it, but I said "No". "Yes" kept struggling, but my "No" strangled it, and with the last breath of "Yes" gone, I stared blankly ahead and was calm. A dark cloud crept behind and over me, and the droplets fell like Heaven had just crumbled.
I walked to the porch for retreat with no haste, soaking up the rain and some sun, smiling at how beautiful nature was. At the backdoor, I saw a concerned Jack look at me, then away as he ran toward the hallway. I tried calling Rena through the door with my squeaky voice that she would always come to me with. But she didn't, and I thought nothing of it. My mother came home shortly after that, let me in, and gasped that all the doors were open. I thought nothing of it.
We both ran to her room to find a mangled Rena on her back; my mother screamed as I stared. Rena's body was wet and limp on the carpet, her crimson tongue dangling by a fiber through her shut mouth, her stomach deflated as lifeless limbs draped over her. I looked to see a guilty smile on Cocoa's face, with her pink teeth bared, knowing what she had done. In hysterics, I fell to the floor and embraced Rena, desperately trying to find a pulse to no avail. With her in my room, I talked and cried with her body wrapped in a blanket until her fleas found her dead blood insufficient, until she was cold and stiff. I knew it was time for her to rest.
My father, hearing the news, left work and came bringing a dozen white roses. In a spot near our wooden fence in the backyard, my dad dug a hole a foot or two underground, and told me to bring her. I lay her on the earth underneath me, let the white petals fall as if it would protect her from decay, and finally let go. I couldn't stand to see him dump the gray dirt atop her, so I turned around and wept. The most bone-chilling sound I thought I'd never have to hear; the sound from the late-night horror film I had watched a week before was the sound of the shovel hissing through the sand, then falling on her body. The sound wrenched my heart and sanity that much more.
I cursed God for taking her from me. However foolish it may have been, I never really talked to Hir. My friends thought I had gone mad, suggesting my dog died as a punishment from God, but I don't believe in coincidences, especially in this situation. I didn't hear any fighting, although they could have only been near windows. It all happened in a matter of minutes, and the sequence was perfect. It happened, and the only thing I can do is remember her.
I can only remember her sweetness that always melted me, how she would sleep on top of me and bark at any trespassers of my room, how her tiny face held so much beauty and her huge heart held so much of mine. Wherever she may be, Rena will always be the Reina of my Heart.
aside from that, LAST NIGHT WAS THE SHIT.
kc and julio busted it out in the drag king show at cloud nine, with yessi as a lovely escort. they almost didn't let me in...but the bouncer asked if i was performing, i said yes, and got in. hell yeah.
and then the awesome kc gave me a nutri-grain bar and many many hugs to keep me going through the night. and then he performed "idiot boyfriend" by jimmy fallon...and again, my face hurt from laughing.
ker also got heckled by a few people for being such a cute little boy, and this drunk guy that i didn't know started grinding on me. haha.
i also saw a pretty drunk mary, this really weird woman/stalker, and this girl who was flashing her ass that looks like ms. keller. AND it was really funny seeing a king who looks like an 11 year old boy sing really perverted rap songs.
and yessi slept over last night and taryn took me out to dinner tonight and i love them and this is the FIRST NIGHT of summer i am...STAYING IN. what a concept.