X-Files ficlet: "Vigil" M/K
So yeah. R.E.M. does strange things to my brainwaves.
Vigil
He was a desperate man. He could admit it, because it was true, and he never dared lie to himself. Mulder wouldn’t have to know, though. Mulder wouldn’t have to know a thing.
He didn’t even have to wake up.
Alex stood quietly in the dark apartment, the moonlight spilling in sharp slices across his body through the blinds. He deliberately kept his face in the shadows, just in case. He knew Mulder wasn’t a heavy sleeper, on those few occasions when insomnia eluded him.
Quiet. Reverent, almost. Alex stood and watched Mulder’s chest rise beneath the arm he’d folded across his heart, as if even in sleep, Mulder was afraid to be stabbed through the chest. As if there was no safe haven, not even in his dreams. Alex believed it; he had plenty of nightmares of his own.
The sound of Mulder breathing deeply served as a rhythmic lull, in, out, in, out, until Alex was surprised to catch himself swaying on his feet, closing his eyes. He opened them quickly, and his muscles tensed, horrified at having almost fallen asleep standing up.
He came to watch. He took no pleasure, no comfort, in coming here. Even from this distance, Alex could see movement behind Mulder’s eyelids, quick, darting movement. An uneasy rest, but rest all the same.
Alex forced the bitter taste of regret in his mouth to recede, swallowed it down his throat like a dose of some strong medicine. It helped to gather some of his thoughts. He almost lost it once - he won’t make the same mistake of staying too long again.
He wondered, futilely, if it would even change anything if he disappeared right now. From Mulder’s life, from everything. He didn’t think it would. He’d left without a trace countless times before, and dropped back into Mulder’s life just as many, that it would hardly seem to be a ripple in Mulder’s world. His indifference. It would hurt like a bitch, but Krycek had survived worse.
He could kill him in his sleep, right now. Alex’s hand hovered over the gun ever present in the back of his jeans. It would be so easy. He could end it all with one twitch of a finger. Mulder wouldn’t even realise…
And yet he knew he would never. There were limits even he couldn’t press.
Something tugged at him when a sleepy-dream induced moan escaped from Mulder’s lips. Alex felt his resolve flickering, felt the internal signals going off, and before he could move without thinking, he grabbed the ledge of the window. Forced his dirty nails and dirty hands to wrap around, tight, and he slipped out, as quiet as a cat, not once looking back.
So what if he couldn’t pull the trigger, or stop the demons from wrapping around Mulder, even in his sleep. So what if Alex couldn’t keep him safe or kill him dead and end his misery. So what if he was helpless.
He was a desperate man. He was. He was…
It didn’t matter, anyway. Mulder slept, he watched.
It was a never-ending dream of sorts, for Alex, re-emerging on his own sleepless nights to watch. Simply watch.
end.
First attempt at XF, btw. Anyway. The LP fic is progressing nicely! *bounces happily*
It's so damned cold right now, I feel like a freakin' penguin.
Vigil
He was a desperate man. He could admit it, because it was true, and he never dared lie to himself. Mulder wouldn’t have to know, though. Mulder wouldn’t have to know a thing.
He didn’t even have to wake up.
Alex stood quietly in the dark apartment, the moonlight spilling in sharp slices across his body through the blinds. He deliberately kept his face in the shadows, just in case. He knew Mulder wasn’t a heavy sleeper, on those few occasions when insomnia eluded him.
Quiet. Reverent, almost. Alex stood and watched Mulder’s chest rise beneath the arm he’d folded across his heart, as if even in sleep, Mulder was afraid to be stabbed through the chest. As if there was no safe haven, not even in his dreams. Alex believed it; he had plenty of nightmares of his own.
The sound of Mulder breathing deeply served as a rhythmic lull, in, out, in, out, until Alex was surprised to catch himself swaying on his feet, closing his eyes. He opened them quickly, and his muscles tensed, horrified at having almost fallen asleep standing up.
He came to watch. He took no pleasure, no comfort, in coming here. Even from this distance, Alex could see movement behind Mulder’s eyelids, quick, darting movement. An uneasy rest, but rest all the same.
Alex forced the bitter taste of regret in his mouth to recede, swallowed it down his throat like a dose of some strong medicine. It helped to gather some of his thoughts. He almost lost it once - he won’t make the same mistake of staying too long again.
He wondered, futilely, if it would even change anything if he disappeared right now. From Mulder’s life, from everything. He didn’t think it would. He’d left without a trace countless times before, and dropped back into Mulder’s life just as many, that it would hardly seem to be a ripple in Mulder’s world. His indifference. It would hurt like a bitch, but Krycek had survived worse.
He could kill him in his sleep, right now. Alex’s hand hovered over the gun ever present in the back of his jeans. It would be so easy. He could end it all with one twitch of a finger. Mulder wouldn’t even realise…
And yet he knew he would never. There were limits even he couldn’t press.
Something tugged at him when a sleepy-dream induced moan escaped from Mulder’s lips. Alex felt his resolve flickering, felt the internal signals going off, and before he could move without thinking, he grabbed the ledge of the window. Forced his dirty nails and dirty hands to wrap around, tight, and he slipped out, as quiet as a cat, not once looking back.
So what if he couldn’t pull the trigger, or stop the demons from wrapping around Mulder, even in his sleep. So what if Alex couldn’t keep him safe or kill him dead and end his misery. So what if he was helpless.
He was a desperate man. He was. He was…
It didn’t matter, anyway. Mulder slept, he watched.
It was a never-ending dream of sorts, for Alex, re-emerging on his own sleepless nights to watch. Simply watch.
end.
First attempt at XF, btw. Anyway. The LP fic is progressing nicely! *bounces happily*
It's so damned cold right now, I feel like a freakin' penguin.