Sugar and Pepper (25)
TWENTY-FOUR
* TWENTY-FIVE *
01.
Mr. Matsumoto saw them file in one after another with somber expressions and he turned to his wife with a silent question. She was busy with washing the dishes after dinner and did not notice.
Satoshi went straight up to his room. Jun followed.
In the hall, Jun said, "Satoshi, we need to talk."
Satoshi ignored him and entered their bedroom. Again, Jun followed and he shut the door behind him. The older boy went on ignoring him as he prepared for a bath.
"Satoshi," Jun called, but he could not get his brother's attention or response.
Finally, as Satoshi tried to pass him back out into the hall, Jun's patience reached its limit. He tackled his brother and forced Satoshi to the edge of his bed where the both of them fell over onto the mattress, one on top of the other. Jun pinned Satoshi's shoulders down and glared at him. It angered him even more that Satoshi did not even struggle to break free, as if he preferred to pretend Jun was not there.
"Why do you always get the last word?" Jun demanded. "Why do you never listen to me? Why am I always chasing after you until I'm tired and going fucking crazy!?"
"You're wrong," Satoshi denied in a flat monotone, but the eyes that stared back at Jun were full of emotion and contained rage. "I'm the one always chasing you, Jun. Because I've always been the only who cared. I--"
"I care! What do you mean, I don't care!?" Jun interrupted.
Satoshi thought someone like Jun would never understand him or Kazunari. Jun wouldn't know what Satoshi feared, that something dark inside him was stirring and he couldn't stop it. He pushed Jun from him and sat up. He tried to step out of bed and to end their conversation, but Jun had turned around and embraced him from behind.
"I LIKE YOU!" Jun declared desperately. "I like you! Listen to me for once! I understand you! I like you! Don't run away."
"You're lying," Satoshi denied, but his tone had lost it's bluntness. He spoke breathlessly and tried to pull Jun's arms off him. "You lie."
"Listen to me for once," Jun begged, but Satoshi continued to struggle out of his hold. In a last effort, Jun forced Satoshi around and kissed him.
02.
The first time that Satoshi had been separated from Mrs. Matsumoto was also the first time he realized he no longer had a mother that belonged solely to him. He was only two years-old. His mother and her new husband had not told him what was happening and why. But even as a child he could sense the imminent separation that would occur.
That late afternoon at the end of summer, Mrs. Matsumoto put the young Satoshi into Mr. Ohno's arms. Satoshi squirmed around and cried after his mother.
"Mamaaaaa!"
His screech reached her, but she covered her ears and fell into the passenger seat of the car that Mr. Matsumoto held open for her. He went around to the driver's side and got into the vehicle. The engine he started could not drown out the cries of one child for his mother. Mrs. Matsumoto hunched over in her seat.
"Be quiet, Satoshi!" Mr. Ohno commanded, oblivious of the needs of a child. He trapped Satoshi in his arms and turned to hand Satoshi over to his new nanny. "Your mother's going to the hospital. She's having a baby and she no longer has time to take care of you."
"Noooo!" Satoshi screamed. He flailed his arms and hit his nanny on the head.
"SATOSHI!" Mr. Ohno reprimanded.
The young Satoshi threw back his head and cried, but he no longer fought back as the car with his mother and her new husband drove away. Mrs. Matsumoto never turned back in her seat to look at him.
03.
She missed out on his third birthday and he only heard from her again the following year when she sent him an early birthday present for his fourth.
By then, Satoshi had already become a product of his father's cold home. He silently accepted his present, a kid-sized action figure, and carried it to his room without a thank you.
04.
That night, after his nanny had tucked him into bed, he got out of bed again and tugged the action figure up to bed with him. He carefully tucked the sheets around himself and the action figure again and hugged the toy in his sleep. He did not notice the coolness of the plastic.
Although he hadn't yet met Jun, his mother's new son, he dreamed about him. He dreamed that they had become the best of friends and the best brothers ever.
05.
The last time Satoshi slept at his mother's house before he moved in was years ago when he was fourteen, and it was the night Jun noticed that he had dyed his hair.
He slept on a futon in Jun's room. Jun was already fast asleep, but Satoshi couldn't summon an ounce of drowsiness. He lay awake in the darkness and listened to the even breathing of his younger brother across the room. In. And out. In. And out. In. And out. Jun. Breathing in. And out.
"Brother," Satoshi whispered into the almost silence. It sounded weird on his lips. It didn't seem right because Jun was and wasn't his brother. He knew he would never call Jun that again.
06.
Satoshi melted in Jun's embrace and into the kiss.
They shared desire and yet innocence, and naive passion wove around the both of them.
As they slowly drew apart, Jun's eyes fluttered open. He registered the glimmer in Satoshi's eyes and the tremor of his lips. His gut wrenched and his breath cut short. He murmured Satoshi's name, but the sound never left his throat.
"You're confused," Satoshi whispered so that only Jun heard. "You're thinking too much, Jun. You can't like me." But, still, he leaned forward and pressed his cheek against Jun's chest. Then he moved back and pried himself free. Jun did not stop him this time.
Freed, Satoshi picked up the items for his bath that he had dropped in their struggle.
"Do you like me?" Jun asked.
At the door, Satoshi stopped. He did not meet Jun's piercing gaze, but he placed a hand over his heart. "You're my brother," he said. Then he opened the door and left their bedroom.
* *
TWENTY-SIX
* TWENTY-FIVE *
01.
Mr. Matsumoto saw them file in one after another with somber expressions and he turned to his wife with a silent question. She was busy with washing the dishes after dinner and did not notice.
Satoshi went straight up to his room. Jun followed.
In the hall, Jun said, "Satoshi, we need to talk."
Satoshi ignored him and entered their bedroom. Again, Jun followed and he shut the door behind him. The older boy went on ignoring him as he prepared for a bath.
"Satoshi," Jun called, but he could not get his brother's attention or response.
Finally, as Satoshi tried to pass him back out into the hall, Jun's patience reached its limit. He tackled his brother and forced Satoshi to the edge of his bed where the both of them fell over onto the mattress, one on top of the other. Jun pinned Satoshi's shoulders down and glared at him. It angered him even more that Satoshi did not even struggle to break free, as if he preferred to pretend Jun was not there.
"Why do you always get the last word?" Jun demanded. "Why do you never listen to me? Why am I always chasing after you until I'm tired and going fucking crazy!?"
"You're wrong," Satoshi denied in a flat monotone, but the eyes that stared back at Jun were full of emotion and contained rage. "I'm the one always chasing you, Jun. Because I've always been the only who cared. I--"
"I care! What do you mean, I don't care!?" Jun interrupted.
Satoshi thought someone like Jun would never understand him or Kazunari. Jun wouldn't know what Satoshi feared, that something dark inside him was stirring and he couldn't stop it. He pushed Jun from him and sat up. He tried to step out of bed and to end their conversation, but Jun had turned around and embraced him from behind.
"I LIKE YOU!" Jun declared desperately. "I like you! Listen to me for once! I understand you! I like you! Don't run away."
"You're lying," Satoshi denied, but his tone had lost it's bluntness. He spoke breathlessly and tried to pull Jun's arms off him. "You lie."
"Listen to me for once," Jun begged, but Satoshi continued to struggle out of his hold. In a last effort, Jun forced Satoshi around and kissed him.
02.
The first time that Satoshi had been separated from Mrs. Matsumoto was also the first time he realized he no longer had a mother that belonged solely to him. He was only two years-old. His mother and her new husband had not told him what was happening and why. But even as a child he could sense the imminent separation that would occur.
That late afternoon at the end of summer, Mrs. Matsumoto put the young Satoshi into Mr. Ohno's arms. Satoshi squirmed around and cried after his mother.
"Mamaaaaa!"
His screech reached her, but she covered her ears and fell into the passenger seat of the car that Mr. Matsumoto held open for her. He went around to the driver's side and got into the vehicle. The engine he started could not drown out the cries of one child for his mother. Mrs. Matsumoto hunched over in her seat.
"Be quiet, Satoshi!" Mr. Ohno commanded, oblivious of the needs of a child. He trapped Satoshi in his arms and turned to hand Satoshi over to his new nanny. "Your mother's going to the hospital. She's having a baby and she no longer has time to take care of you."
"Noooo!" Satoshi screamed. He flailed his arms and hit his nanny on the head.
"SATOSHI!" Mr. Ohno reprimanded.
The young Satoshi threw back his head and cried, but he no longer fought back as the car with his mother and her new husband drove away. Mrs. Matsumoto never turned back in her seat to look at him.
03.
She missed out on his third birthday and he only heard from her again the following year when she sent him an early birthday present for his fourth.
By then, Satoshi had already become a product of his father's cold home. He silently accepted his present, a kid-sized action figure, and carried it to his room without a thank you.
04.
That night, after his nanny had tucked him into bed, he got out of bed again and tugged the action figure up to bed with him. He carefully tucked the sheets around himself and the action figure again and hugged the toy in his sleep. He did not notice the coolness of the plastic.
Although he hadn't yet met Jun, his mother's new son, he dreamed about him. He dreamed that they had become the best of friends and the best brothers ever.
05.
The last time Satoshi slept at his mother's house before he moved in was years ago when he was fourteen, and it was the night Jun noticed that he had dyed his hair.
He slept on a futon in Jun's room. Jun was already fast asleep, but Satoshi couldn't summon an ounce of drowsiness. He lay awake in the darkness and listened to the even breathing of his younger brother across the room. In. And out. In. And out. In. And out. Jun. Breathing in. And out.
"Brother," Satoshi whispered into the almost silence. It sounded weird on his lips. It didn't seem right because Jun was and wasn't his brother. He knew he would never call Jun that again.
06.
Satoshi melted in Jun's embrace and into the kiss.
They shared desire and yet innocence, and naive passion wove around the both of them.
As they slowly drew apart, Jun's eyes fluttered open. He registered the glimmer in Satoshi's eyes and the tremor of his lips. His gut wrenched and his breath cut short. He murmured Satoshi's name, but the sound never left his throat.
"You're confused," Satoshi whispered so that only Jun heard. "You're thinking too much, Jun. You can't like me." But, still, he leaned forward and pressed his cheek against Jun's chest. Then he moved back and pried himself free. Jun did not stop him this time.
Freed, Satoshi picked up the items for his bath that he had dropped in their struggle.
"Do you like me?" Jun asked.
At the door, Satoshi stopped. He did not meet Jun's piercing gaze, but he placed a hand over his heart. "You're my brother," he said. Then he opened the door and left their bedroom.
* *
TWENTY-SIX