Sugar and Pepper (05)
Edited: 2012.07.21
FOUR
* FIVE *
01.
The six boys stood in the deserted lot and four of them stared at one of the other two. It was late Saturday morning and Satoshi had somehow taken Jun's offer to accompany him to one of his hang outs.
"This is Satoshi," Jun introduced. "He's my older brother."
"You lie!" his friends immediately burst out, some of them chuckling. "You guys look nothing alike!"
"Stepbrothers?" another asked.
"I never thought that rumor was true," a second continued. "I mean, I thought you were eating your second lunch box secretly somewhere."
"You're kidding," Jun replied, momentarily distracted by the last comment. He indicated his size. "Where would I store that?" Then he went back to answer in the next breath, "Half-brothers. Our fathers are different. Satoshi's living with us temporarily."
And before they could say anything else he added, "He doesn't talk a lot, so don't take to heart if he ignores you."
All of them eyed the slightly taller boy whom shifted uncomfortably under their gazes.
"One last thing," Jun's friend started, "can he play ball?"
02.
Apparently, Satoshi could not. He handled the standard catch fairly well, but his batting, pitching, and even ball catching skills left his teammates desiring for more. He quickly tired though, and opted for sitting out the rest of the time. It was because of that reason that Jun ended the game early.
"Let's get something to eat," he told his friends. "I'm starved."
They complied reluctantly while Jun waved Satoshi over.
But as Satoshi approached, he muttered, "I have something to do."
"You're leaving?" Jun asked, a hint of incredulity in his voice.
Satoshi nodded. Before Jun could respond, he was already walking away.
03.
What Satoshi did was spend hours under the shade of a tree to watch the flow of the river. Despite his lie to Jun, he had nothing to do. He wasted time away as he was. Though his fingers itched to sketch the scenery, Satoshi felt relieved to be doing nothing.
He sat in idleness, humming broken lyrics every once in a while, until the sun began to set.
It was only then that he walked home.
04.
After dinner, he made his way upstairs while Mrs. Matsumoto cleared the table. He did not hear the following footsteps until they were in the hall.
Jun broke the silence and said, "I want to talk to you."
Satoshi had not known the other boy was already home. He gave no reaction and turned to see his brother. Jun's calm yet cold gaze penetrated him, daring him to refuse. Satoshi made his way to their room and sat down as his brother followed and closed the door behind them.
Inside, Jun took a deep breath. He forced himself to meet Satoshi's unwavering gaze. "What if... I stopped doing all of those things?"
Satoshi had no idea what he meant, so he continued to keep his silence.
Jun set his lips firmly and leaned against the wall in frustration. "What if I stopped bringing you your lunch? What if I said I didn't actually want to share a room with you? What if I actually hate having to speak for you? That I'm tired and irritated and rightfully selfish?"
The older boy watched the dip form between the dark brows. He didn't understand the bulk of his brother's frustration, but he realized that he might be the cause. "You're a good person," he found himself answering. "Thank you for everything you've done so far."
Exasperated, Jun gave up and left the room.
05.
That night, they lay on their mattresses, silent. Only the muffled sounds of the night eased the tension in the atmosphere.
Yet in one sudden movement, Jun spontaneously got up and went to the window. He opened it to admit the cool night air inside and all the noises that came with it. As soon as that was done, he dived back under the covers.
A full minute passed.
Satoshi crawled over, pulled the window closed again, and moved back to his futon.
A full minute later, Jun went back and lifted the panel once more. He returned to his bed.
When the older boy stood to up undo his work, Jun finally had enough. He said out loud, "What do you want!?"
Satoshi paused by the window.
Jun pushed up on his elbows and faced his brother's form etched in moonlight. "What more do you want from me?"
Satoshi stared back, unsure of his answer. He placed a hand on the sill and said nothing.
Frustrated but drained, Jun rubbed his eyes wearily. "I'm only your brother, Satoshi. I can't do everything. I can't read your mind. Say something for once. I'm tired of trying to understand you."
"How much have you understood?" Satoshi whispered.
Jun looked up in surprise, astonished by the sudden question.
He saw that his older brother was still staring at him. In the moonlit room, the glow of the older boy's eyes shone like a cat. Their gazes met and Satoshi mumbled, "Sometimes when I'm with you, I can't breathe and that scares me."
Jun sat up, frowning and confused.
Satoshi conclusively looked away, unable to cope with his gaze. His hand grasped the latch and he closed the window with a finality. "You don't know why too, right?"
In the sudden darkness before Jun's eyes could adjust, Satoshi said one last line. "I think you should stop being nice."
06.
It was a few hours passed midnight and the older boy had yet to fall asleep. The events from earlier continued to replay in his head.
He lay in the dimness and again, wondered about being breathless. At that moment too, he felt the awkward pang in his chest.
Satoshi curled under the blankets and wondered if Jun was asleep. He did not know why he cared.
* *
SIX