Familiar
Originally posted here for the 2015 ninoexchange for shardaunei.
Title: Familiar
Pairing/Focus: Matsumiya
Rating: R
Summary: Nino knows Jun would make the perfect boyfriend, except he doesn't have feelings for Jun in that way.
Too many times than he can count, they ask him, "Where's Matsumoto?" and he'll answer, "I don't know" because in reality he doesn't know and Ninomiya Kazunari, who is very much a separate entity from his best friend, wonders why they expect Jun and him to be together twenty-four hours a day seven days a week. Growing up together practically since birth did not mean they have to go to the bathroom together even as adults.
But what irritates Nino the most about being asked about Jun all the time is that on the opposite end no one ever asks Jun about him. The poor misguided souls don't know that the only reason Jun seems to be seen with him everywhere is because Jun clings to him wherever he goes whereas Nino can care less where Jun goes on his own. The unfairness of their misunderstanding baffles him.
"Why does it bother you so much?" Jun asks him when Nino complains for the nth time about it.
"Of course, you don't understand," Nino tells him. Just earlier that day Inoue Mao had asked him why he wouldn't just date Jun since they hung out together so much and couldn't be seen without the other. Disregarding the fact that Nino had actually, unsuccessfully, been trying to seduce Mao and her untimely insensitive question had ticked him off, Nino found her ignorance hard to stomach. Must he go to the length of hammering a notice on a billboard before people realize that Jun and he realistically do not see each other that much?
The injustice lingering in his mind, Nino continues to berate his friend's ears, "My life doesn't revolve around you. Why should it end with you?"
In the kitchen where he is cooking their dinner, Jun leaves the frying pan on the stove and moves to the counter where he watches Nino sulking on his couch. "Are you breaking up with me?" he lightly teases.
Nino takes a much needed deep breath and squares his shoulders. "Don't make fun of me, Jun. I'm serious. People think we need each other to breathe just because I know what your diapers smelled like. I, Ninomiya Kazunari, am still an eligible bachelor because everyone thinks I'm Matsumoto Jun's outstanding sidekick."
Jun sighs and goes back to the stove with disinterest. He's figured out one of the reasons why Nino's irritability is off the charts today. "You've been abstinent for far too long," he says.
Nino doesn't deny it. He grabs one of Jun's perfectly placed cushions and hugs it tight while resting his chin on top of it. He makes a face as he stares at Jun's broad back. "I haven't been to a club in years. We should just forget about dinner and go out tonight. You should know a lot of good places, Jun."
"I thought you wanted to get rid of your status as my sidekick?" Jun says.
"Yea and you make it worse when you tell everyone we meet that we've been together for ages," Nino starts. "It's time you start lying about it."
"Why do I have to lie just so you can get laid?" Jun asks.
Nino has a very good reason, but it's a reason he cannot tell Jun. After all, how is he supposed to tell his best friend that his latest girlfriend had dumped him because of his and Jun's close friendship. She'd learned about Nino's bisexuality and in curiosity had asked him for his ideal type in a man. He'd thought it couldn't matter to tell her of course because he was dating her. He'd given her a loose description of his ideal man: tall, funny, insightful, kind, sweet and drop-dead gorgeous.
"Like Matsumoto?" she'd asked and it had shocked Nino because why the fuck would he be talking about Jun. But he soon realized he had described his friend to the tee as she had realized and despite his assurances to her that he felt nothing at all for Jun except for friendship she'd begun to get jealous. Their relationship had spiraled downhill after that.
Nino tells Jun, "Forget it. I'll go by myself on another night."
Jun finishes separating the pasta into two plates and carries it over to the low sitting room table. He sets it before them and settles on the floor opposite the couch. "Good because I went through the trouble of cooking for you since you said you were hungry and you're not going anywhere until you finish it."
Nino forgets his aggravation and sits on the floor in front of his plate. He grins at Jun. "This is why I can't leave you," he says and swallows a forkful. "You make the perfect boyfriend. That is, if you'll actually go steady with someone."
Jun reaches out and casually wipes a sauce stain from Nino's chin. "But not for you."
Nino frowns at him as he withdraws. "What for me?"
"There's an exception," Jun says, digging into his pasta with deliberation. "To you I wouldn't make the perfect boyfriend because you don't want me."
Nino wants to retort that it's not all true. Especially for himself, his best friend would make the grandest boyfriend of all, but the realization itself causes him to hesitate and he cannot say it. Recalling his ex-girlfriend's jealousy Nino feels an awkwardness creep in between them. He becomes conscious of Jun not as a friend but as a man, a potential lover, someone who could blow anyone's mind away, and the spot on his chin that Jun had touched burns. Nino cannot help blushing in his consciousness.
"What I want makes no difference," he murmurs and stuffs his mouth.
+++
Despite Nino's willingness to forget the feeling, the issue turns up again only a week later. At the company when he stops by Mao's cubicle to flirt with her again, she sidetracks and asks, "The girls want to know if Matsumoto will go to the goukon tonight."
"What goukon?" he asks, incredulous that he hadn't been invited and Jun had been. He thought everyone equated them together.
"If Matsumoto is coming, it means you're also coming right?" she flippantly says. "So is he coming?"
Nino recoils from her. She watches him with a mischievous smile and he decides he doesn't like Mao that much anyway, not even enough for a one-night fling, and leaves. From behind he hears her giggle about the fact that he feels affronted and he hears a quietly murmured, "Cute" but it's not enough to turn him around. It is his misfortune to actually run into Jun in the men's bathroom.
"Hey, it's your sidekick," he unhappily mumbles and elbows Jun away from his urinal as Jun's zipping up and uses the stall for himself.
Jun washes his hands while Nino finishes up and then he scrutinizes his sulking friend who joins him at the sink. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"You mean what's wrong with me?" Nino replies. "I'm the only one who isn't head over heels elated to be connected to you."
Jun sighs and looks at their reflection in the mirror with a furrowed brow. "Are you on a campaign to tell me how much you hate being my friend?" he asks quietly.
Nino's pride is in tatters and he isn't in the mood to backtrack on his hostility. Not yet. He silently dries his hands on a paper towel and moves to the door leaving behind an equally tense Jun. Just before he walks out he slaps his hand against the tile and bellows, "I hope you have fun at the goukan tonight."
+++
The phone call comes at two in the morning and Nino ignores it. There is only one person who will call him in the middle of the night and he's not in the most benevolent mood to be bothered by that person, especially not when he's trying to get some sleep. The call comes again and for two more times Nino lets it die. On the fifth call, he surrenders. He slams his hand down on his phone and brings it to his ear.
"Kazu..." Jun drawls and trails off.
"What?" Nino groggily states, eyeing his alarm clock that reveals it's only three in the morning. "Are you drunk again?"
"Are you coming?" Jun asks, a hopeful note in his voice.
Just because of that Nino cannot refuse. He sighs and forces himself to get up from the bed. It's become a habit anyway for him to save his friend from clingy one-night stands and drunken stupors. Despite his running joke about being Jun's sidekick, Nino believes it's the opposite. He's definitely more of Jun's knight in shining armor than a freaking sideshow character. "Where are you?" he asks.
He arrives outside the pub half an hour later and sees Jun leaning heavily against the building with his eyes closed. Pulling the long sleeves of his sweatshirt over his chilled hands as he steps out of a cab into the cold night, Nino walks over to him, pauses, and when Jun still does not notice him he reaches out and flicks Jun's nose.
His inebriated friend starts, sees him and smiles dazzingly at him as if he'd just witnessed the most heavenly sight. Nino's heart skips a beat. The autumn wind picks up, whips around the two of them, and he shivers. He averts his eyes for a second and wonders if he's gone crazy. Jun is a friend and has smiled at him many times before. Why his heart decides to react now perplexes him. It's useless to feel like this.
Deciding to ignore it, Nino takes Jun's arm and slings it over his shoulder. He helps his friend to the cab. Once he has Jun inside, Nino slides into the backseat beside him and tells the driver their destination. Jun's head is thrown back against the backseat and his eyes closes again. An air of melancholy floats about him and since Nino knows his friend is actually quite a happy, energetic drunk he starts to worry.
"Did you break someone's heart again?" he asks. Despite his friend moving from person to person and refusing to settle, Nino knows Jun fears hurting others. He hasn't figured out why his friend will not exclusively date anyone, but it's always been a fact that Jun has an issue with commitment. Yet even for the sake of maintaining his discretion, turning down and leaving others have never been his strong point.
Instead of answering the question, Jun searches the space between them and comes upon Nino's hand which he grasps. He holds on tightly and Nino realizes Jun had been looking for his hand. His eyes still shut, Jun unconsciously begins to smooth his thumb over the back of Nino's hand in the gentlest of caresses and Nino's confused heart jumps again.
"I thought about you," Jun murmurs finally.
"And so?" Nino prods.
Jun sighs and his head slides down the backrest until it falls down on Nino's shoulder and he's resting comfortably against Nino's side using his skinny shoulder as support. Nino suffers the extra weight and presses him for an answer. "What about it?" he asks. "Are you saying you're sad because of me?"
Jun tries to nod. "Lately you're always angry when we're together," he mumbles. "I missed you." He tries to kiss the back of Nino's hand, but Nino quickly realizes what he intends to do and pulls their hands apart.
"Hey, Jun, you must be fucking smashed," Nino jokes, anxious about what may be spinning out of his control. His pounding heart bangs hard against his chest and drums in his ears. He can feel a flush coming and wishes he can make it stop. Nino glances up in time to catch the disapproving gaze of the taxi driver in the rearview mirror and quickly explains, "He's my friend. Best friend. We're not dating."
The taxi driver ignores his statement and silently drives on, making Nino feel foolish for trying to explain. They reach Jun's apartment complex and Nino takes Jun up to his apartment. Jun asks him to stay, but Nino puts him to bed and closes the bedroom door shut behind him. He helps himself to a few bills from his friend's wallet to pay for the fare before taking the same cab back to his own apartment. His ride home is uneventful and yet stressful because of the mountain of befuddling thoughts bogging his mind.
+++
"What is it?" the recipient of his phone call asks in an uninterested monotone. "Did you argue with Jun again?"
Nino scoffs. "I call you for other reasons too," he argues.
"The last time you called me was half a year ago when Jun gave you the cold shoulder for a whole week," Sho says and adds, "And deservedly so."
Nino grumbles. "You've always taken his side, Sho. Even during high school."
"Because he's almost always right," Sho tells him. "So what is it? Why did you call me?"
Curled in a ball in his armchair, his knees drawn up against his chest, Nino presses his phone against his ear with one hand while distractingly playing with the hem of his sweats with the other. He thinks about the past few days and then further back to the months preceding it. "Jun is different. He's changed," he says.
"What?" Sho laughs. "I just saw him the other day. He's still the same."
Perhaps it's because Nino have always been the closest to Jun, that's why he noticed. He denies Sho's statement strongly. "No, Jun's different now. He says some strange stuff and does...stuff. "
"For example?" Sho prompts.
"For example..." Nino takes a deep breath. "Like the way he smiles at me. It's weird."
Sho chuckles again, much to Nino's irritation. "You just noticed? Jun has always been like that, treating you better than the rest of us, reacting differently towards you, even in high school. Maybe it's you that's changed. You're finally on the same wavelength as the rest of us."
Nino still doesn't believe it's himself that's the problem. There's something about his best friend that has changed over the years and he'd only started to notice when his former girlfriend had made him conscious of his friend. In the past Jun didn't make Nino feel like some naive teen girl, Nino thinks. Jun didn't use to always smile at him like he was the most desirable person in the world, did he?
Nino ends his call with Sho and uneasily stay curled up in the armchair contemplating.
+++
In his first year of high school, he and his then new friend Sho had walked in on Jun during a make-out session with another classmate. At the height of their youths Jun and Nino had started to explore and grasp their sexuality, but Sho who knew nothing about their secret had frozen up when they'd caught Jun and the other boy in the act.
Before the two noticed them, Nino pulled a stiff-faced Sho out of the classroom and out into open space. Sho stumbled in the doorway and Nino saw Jun turn to catch sight of their retreating backs before they managed to get out into the hall and then down a flight of stairs. Sho had shied away from Nino the moment they stopped, but he saw the strained expression Nino wore and pulled himself together.
"I didn't know Matsumoto was like that," Sho started, trying to work past his ignorance and shock. "It surprised me. Did you know?"
A heavy stone had settled in the pit of Nino's stomach and its weight increased every second he thought back to the scene they'd just witness. He couldn't make himself answer and only shrugged.
Sho uncomfortably looked down at the floor and when he raised his gaze again he saw that Nino's eyes were also downturned. "Does it matter?" he asked.
But Nino's thoughts had been on a different track. He knew that boy, Ohno Satoshi. Jun had dragged him to the art exhibition set up by the art club during the school festival because he had been particularly captured by one piece. The art teacher had noticed their lingering presence and approached them. She introduced them to the artist, the very boy Jun made out with.
"Nino?" Sho called out and had tried to unsuccessfully pull Nino out of the sinking hole he'd fallen into.
+++
He skips the staff lounge and cafeteria and settles on the rooftop to smoke in peace during his lunch break. He starts on his fifth cigarette of that day while leisurely sitting against the concrete wall bordering the roof. The coldness of the wall at his back, the fresh autumn air and the nicotine relaxes him. For a short time he feels at peace as his mind empties itself. Much too soon his temporary composure is disturbed when the door to the rooftop opens and Jun steps out.
"This is where you ran off to," Jun starts and closes the door behind him. He walks over and stands in front of Nino, his hands in his pockets. Nino blankly stares up at him, his cigarette tucked in a corner of his lips. Jun frowns down at him. "I wish you would stop smoking. You're doing yourself no favors by sucking on that thing."
Nino sighs and takes the cigarette out of his mouth and stubs it out. "What do you want?"
Jun sits down beside him, back against the wall, and watches the door as Nino had been. "Your boss's looking for you. He sent his secretary up to our floor to ask for you. He thought you might have been with me."
"Why the heck would I bother myself with you on my lunch break?" Nino asks, his old irritation rising to the forefront again. Even if they're together presently, he doesn't necessarily have to be beside his best friend every waking moment he's free. He blames it on Inoue Mao and her gossiping friends for having spread the rumors so far that it's even reached his busy-bodied supervisor.
"Are we starting that again?" Jun asks wearily.
Nino rests his elbows on his upraised knees and hides his face with his palms. He remembers the latter night when a drunk Jun had confessed being disheartened by his crass behavior and he immediately, remorsefully cools down. He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he mumbles.
"Kazu, what's wrong?" Jun questions him, concerned. "Something's been troubling you."
"Yes, there's something wrong with me," Nino concedes. "It's me after all."
"What is it?"
Nino drops his hands and turns his head to look at Jun. They're sitting only a meter apart and the proximity causes his breath to catch. He begins to understand that it's himself that's definitely the problem and he doesn't even know where to begin to fix it. It's torture. How has he not noticed before the smooth curve of Jun's eyebrows and the enticing shape of his lips? "Jun," he starts, "we've been friends for so long that there's nothing new to see or know anymore. Isn't that supposed to be true?"
Jun is unimpressed with what he sees as Nino's attempt to skirt around the issue that worries him, but he gives in anyway and shrugs. "We grew up together. We change. Isn't it because we've always been able to accept the changes in each other that we're still here?"
Nino shifts closer to Jun and leans sideways until his head rests against Jun's shoulder. Like how he'd wordlessly supported Jun so many nights ago in the cab, his friend allows him the familiar action without complaint. But to Nino even if it's supposed to be standard between them, the contact causes an obscure sensation in his gut. "I had a strange dream last night," he begins on a wayward subject again, "we were stuck inside our old high school."
"Maybe your guilt from skipping out on our high school reunion last year is finally catching up to you," Jun jokingly assumes.
Nino ignores him and asks, "Jun, what happened to that boy, Ohno Satoshi?" Jun tenses under him and Nino sits up to peer closely at him. "I've always wondered about him," he says. "Is it okay if I know?"
Jun shrugs with some difficulty. "It's in the past now anyway. He left me."
Nino takes the knowledge in stride, after all he'd guessed it. Ohno had been the only person Nino had ever seen Jun develop serious affection for. When he'd stopped seeing Jun follow Ohno around like a lost puppy after their first year he'd guessed the reason Jun would no longer commit himself to anyone. He thinks it's a shame. "You're tall, funny, insightful, kind, sweet, handsome. Hardworking, too. You're my perfect ideal, Jun," Nino tells him lightly, almost playfully, even if it somehow pains him to pretend indifference. "You'll find the right person for you someday."
Jun watches him closely and his brows draw together in contemplation. "It's been years, Kazu," he says. "You're kidding me. I didn't know you could be so sentimental and sappy anyway."
Nino grumbles and flicks him on his too perfect nose. Did he just now notice how straight it is? "Fine. We're never talking about this again." He stands and glances down at his watch. He suddenly doesn't want to leave his friend, but it's inevitable. "Anyway, I have to run. If Aiba's looking for me, it means he broke his computer again."
"Kazu," Jun calls and Nino pauses by the door on his way inside. "Want to come over this weekend? I'll cook."
Jun regularly invites him over for no particular reason, especially on nights when he doesn't have plans. Nino had always graciously accepted; after all, Jun is a damn good cook and Nino will never trouble himself with take-out and convenience store lunch boxes if his friend is willing to cook for him. Yet for the first time he hesitates. With his current doubt, enclosing himself and Jun in an apartment alone will not help. He forces a smile on his face and says, "How about we go out instead? You know a lot of good places to meet people, don't you?"
Jun averts his gaze and stares wistfully up at the cloudy sky. "Fine."
+++
The day of Nino and Jun's graduation from senior high school had been a day of bliss for Nino. The reminder that he would never see most of his classmates and teachers again uplifted his spirits. After the ceremony, he prepared to leave the school grounds immediately, but Jun who would leave with him was nowhere to be found. Peeved by the fact that his freedom would remain imminent, Nino went searching for Jun. He saw a couple behind the school and quickly ducked away. He thought perhaps Jun had been called for a similar outing, a confession. It was not entirely impossible.
For the next hour, he searched through the school and the grounds. He asked a few loitering peers also, but Jun continued to elude him. Nino's aggravation grew into full blown anger and he decided to head home alone without his best friend. Wherever Jun had gone, his friend had not thought about him anyway.
His mother was at work and his sister had classes. He would be home alone and Nino planned to dissipate his anger with games. His mind changed when he entered his room and saw Jun on the floor beside his bed. His friend must have used the spare key to enter. What caused his earlier ire to vanish completely was the fact that Jun's arms were wrapped around his knees and tears streamed down his face. Nino had not seen Jun cry since they were children in grade school and his gut twisted at the sight.
If he was in Jun's position, he would've wanted his friend to pretend he wasn't crying and to be left alone. Yet, somehow Nino couldn't ignore it. He couldn't pretend that Jun wasn't in his room in shreds. He didn't have the temerity to talk, but he did grab a box of tissues and sit alongside Jun, their arms touching from shoulder to elbow. Jun took his offered tissues without a word.
Jun slept over that night and because Nino had been so shaken by his friend's tears, having a need to reassure himself, he crawled into Jun's futon and they shared the space. Jun even initiated contact by pressing himself along Nino's side. Nino had wondered if that night would be the last time they shared a bed. The heat of Jun's body warmed him and for the moment his concerns disappeared.
"Tomorrow is going to be different," he'd said. Tomorrow would be a new day and Jun shouldn't have to cry anymore.
Eventually Nino learned through Sho that Jun had ended his relationship with his girlfriend. The girl, like Jun, had swallowed the break-up with difficulty. Nino knew they had been casually seeing each other, but he hadn't thought it was serious since Jun had always shrugged her off. For it to have ended with Jun's tears, he realized his friend had cared much more than he assumed. But why Jun had decided with no apparent reason to end his relationship with her he could never guess.
+++
"It should be weird, but it doesn't feel that way," he says as soon as Sho picks up.
Sho sighs. "What feels weird?"
Instead of answering him, Nino continues, "I've known him since before snot was dripping out of his nose."
Sho immediately understands who he means and asks, "What about it? What's supposed to be weird about it?"
"Am I allowed to like him now?" Nino questions him instead.
"Explain," Sho begins in his exasperation.
"But I've always like him," Nino goes on, not heeding Sho's plea. "It's just a different kind of like now. Just a little different."
"Okay. I think I understand," Sho concedes. "And so?"
"Please don't tell Jun," Nino tells him and hangs up.
+++
Mao stops by his office for the first time since forever and although Nino has given up on her he finds himself giving her his full attention anyway. Just inside the doorway standing opposite him with his desk in between them, she sighs and crosses her arms.
"What is it?" Nino has to ask for her to begin.
"I'm just a messenger," she says. "The girls are angry that Matsumoto gave them a fake phone number."
Nino bursts into laughter. He didn't think his friend had it in him. Mao furrows her brows at him, but he finds it hard to curtail his amusement. He wipes his eyes and sits back comfortably in his swivel chair, for the first time feeling like he had the upper-hand. "So?" he asks. "Why come to me about it? Jun's only two floors up."
Mao gives up trying and sighs. "They told me to do something about it. I've told you. I did something. That's all." She leaves and Nino grins at her back.
Despite his previous apprehensions about being regarded too much with Jun, Nino goes up to find his friend during his break. He unfortunately learns from Jun's coworkers that Jun had left to meet with a client that afternoon. Nino goes back to his office more dejected than he'd expected to feel and emails Jun about his whereabouts and if their plans for that night are still intact. Shortly after, Jun replies with an assurance and Nino cannot help the foolish way his mood soars at the prospect of being together.
Although it's against his nature, he decides to stay after work to wait for his friend who still has to return to the company to put in his report. He leaves his office and goes to sit and wait for Jun at his desk. Jun's colleagues think nothing about it and leave when they complete their work for the day. Nino ends up alone in the office and looks around with renewed interest. He'd been there before, but everything has taken on a different meaning. He picks up the only framed photo Jun has on his desk and wonders why Jun picks this particular picture to stare at everyday.
It's a family photo with Jun's parents and his older sister, but Nino's also in the picture. He remembers taking it, remembers the spring afternoon when they'd celebrated Jun's mother's birthday with just his family and childhood best friend. He sets the photo down and sighs. He rests his head on the desk impatiently. He cannot wait until Jun returns. He wishes to see his friend so badly at that moment that nothing else matters.
A loud sound startles him and he raises his head to look at the entrance. What captures his attention is two office workers making-out against the wall, hungrily devouring each other's lips and pressing their lower bodies together. They had most likely believed the room empty, not realizing that Nino is there. Nino cringes and wonders if he should hide or make a break for it. He hears a moan and a whisper.
"Not here," Jun tells his partner.
Nino's head snaps up and he gets a unfettered view of Jun up against the wall pulling the woman closer to him. His heart seems to stop. Through half-lidded eyes Jun also sees Nino at last and his arms wrapped around the woman falls limp. Shocked to find Nino there, he freezes. Nino and his eyes center on each other across the distance.
Nino feels a sense of déja vu. This happened before. He cannot remember when at the specific moment, but he does finally understand why he's sinking into a bottomless pit. He feels winded. When the girl realizes Jun is no longer responding to her ministrations, she pauses and follows his line of vision. She catches sight of Nino and screams, hiding her face in Jun's jacket.
Nino wishes she wouldn't touch Jun. He wishes it were different, that he hadn't seen this, that he isn't reminded once again what is untouchable. He knows suddenly that this is how it have always been. Jun and he are best friends. No matter when, then and now, he isn't allowed to step across the boundary.
"Kazu," Jun starts at last, breathlessly.
Nino runs out of the office as fast as he can. He's made it to the elevators when Jun catches up to him and snatches his arm to turn him around.
"Kazu, I--" Jun starts.
Nino pulls his arm from Jun's grip and forces himself to laugh. It sounds hollow. "Sorry, Jun. I didn't know. Sorry. You can go back," he manages to say. It hurts to just breathe. The elevator doors open and he steps inside. Jun doesn't follow. Nino watches him from inside the enclosed box and forces himself to grin. He hates having to force himself to smile, to laugh, but he does. He giggles at the forlorn look on Jun's face. "I know you'll be busy tonight. I'll go out alone."
When the elevator doors close, he's still laughing like a maniac and chokes down on a sob.
+++
"Nino, what is it this time?" Sho sighs from the other end as soon as he picks up.
"Forget it," Nino murmurs. "Forget everything. It never happened."
"What is this even about?" Sho starts to ask.
"Tomorrow will be the same. It won't change," Nino tells him.
+++
In kindergarten, Jun had received chocolates from all of the girls in their class on Valentine's Day. When Nino and Jun walked home together at the end of that day, Nino had to help his friend carry his things. Nino pouted when he'd seen the two small bag of chocolates. He'd only received an obligatory chocolate that their teacher had given to all of her students.
Jun noticed his sulking and he'd stopped them to rummage through his bags. He picked up a box of chocolate and offered it to Nino. "Here," he'd said.
"I don't want it," Nino muttered. Even as a child, he hated to be pitied.
But Jun tried to press it into his hand. "You can have as many as you want," he said.
"I don't want it," Nino repeated and tried to shove it away. "I don't need it."
Jun's expression fell and he muttered, "Kazu, you won't hate me?"
Nino, who knew his friend had just been trying to be kind, felt awful for being the cause of Jun's unhappiness. Against his will, he took the offered chocolates. It felt heavy in his hands. It didn't belong to him. He opened the box, broke off a piece of chocolate and held it. He didn't know what to do with it. Decidedly he held it up to Jun's lips. Jun looked from it to him and then without a second thought opened his mouth, allowing Nino to feed him. Nino watched him eat and then took a piece for himself. The sweet chocolate melted on their tongues.
"It's good," Jun said, watching him carefully for his response.
Nino closed the box and returned the half eaten chocolate to the bag. "I'm okay, Jun."
Jun became anxious and asked, "So Kazu will still be my friend?"
Nino's spirits had lightened considerably and he grinned widely. "I won't hate you. I'll always be Jun's best friend," he assured.
+++
He wasn't lying when he'd said he hasn't been out in years. He wanders into the night district uncertain of where he should go. Nino heads inside the pub endorsed by the most insistent solicitor on the street. Unfortunately he ends up inside an eccentric club with a promotional masquerade theme. At one glance, the crowd of strangers in masks freaks him out. He freezes inside the doorway.
The bouncer sees him and points him to the bar. "You can buy a cheap mask there," he says.
Although his instincts tells him to get out, Nino does as he's told and goes up to the bartender to ask for a mask. The bartender hands him one of the generic and plastic black eye masks that Nino had seen on quite a few of the revelers. He puts it on, but grabs a seat by the bar and decides to drink by himself. He doesn't actually want to do anything but drink himself to sleep. Why'd he even come out baffles him. Perhaps he just didn't want to be at home alone being pathetic and miserable.
"Are you alone?" the bartender asks him as he slides his drink across to him.
Nino shrugs and sips his cocktail.
"Why this place?" the bartender continues. "I haven't seen you before. Do you have a mask fetish?"
Nino wishes the bartender would stop asking questions. He doesn't want to talk. He tilts his head back and downs his drink in one shot. Then he walks onto the dance floor. The beat of the music drowns out everything else and Nino allows his mind to focus on nothing but his movements and the music. In the next hour, he goes back to the bar to order a drink two more times and each time he gulps it down in a hurry. He teeters back to the dance floor after his last trip and sways on his feet. The crashing bodies of other revelers keeps him standing.
If Nino really, really thinks about it Jun has never been just a best friend. Jun have always been someone special, someone within his own category. Nino thinks that maybe he was wrong to want something more. He shouldn't destroy what he already has. He shouldn't be greedy.
A body sidles up to his from behind and presses up against him until Nino's back and his front are molded together. Nino's body stiffens and he clumsily tries to reject the advances by pushing the person away. Instead of leaving him alone, the person takes his wrist in a tight grip and Nino feels trapped. His head clears enough so that he turns to tell the persistent offender off. He confronts a man slightly taller than him with a black mask like his. Even with the flimsy plastic eye mask, he can recognize those full lips and that small chin anywhere.
Nino swallows and tries to be coherent. His heart bangs against his chest and where Jun grips his wrist begins to burn. "J-jun..." he starts, not actually knowing what to say. He hadn't expected his friend to be here. How had he known?
"You've mistaken me for someone else," Jun tells him deliberately, holding his fevered gaze. "We don't know each other. Tonight...I'm only a man, a stranger, and you're the one that caught my attention." He tries to persuade Nino and himself. Under their charade, he pulls Nino by his hand until they're molded to each other again and moves them to the beat of the music blaring in their ears.
Nino finds himself relaxing in Jun's familiar arms. He thinks Jun is right. At this moment they do not know each other. It is just them, two men attracted to each other, without their history and its boundaries. He doesn't even consider anything when Jun's hands on his hips moves up to cup his face and draws their faces near. His eyes instinctively close and he feels Jun's full, soft lips overlap his. They taste each other tentatively at first and then becomes stronger. Nino opens his lips and allows Jun to explore his mouth with his tongue. Filled with their desires, they drink in the feel and taste of each other, the dance floor and music becoming nothing but a distant background.
Nino feels Jun's slender fingers under his shirt against his skin. He smells Jun's sweat mixed with his cologne. His own hands slides up Jun's back and traces the broad outline of his friend's shoulders. It is familiar but also different. The distinctiveness is small, but among the billion things he loves about his friend. Nino realizes he doesn't want to have to forget when they take off their masks and the night is over. Even if it is just an act, he doesn't want a stranger in his arms. He wants his friend and everything, the memories, the feelings, the years of attachment, that comes with it.
In a split second, Nino breaks off the sweet contact and extracts himself from Jun. Jun stares at him in surprise, his lips red and swollen.
"I don't want a stranger," Nino tells him, struggling against the building ache in his chest. "I only need Jun." It's taken him years to reach this point, to realize all of this, and although he knows he is being greedy, he'd rather have everything or nothing at all.
In spite of it, he is surprised when Jun takes his hand again and drags him out of the dance floor. Nino follows him to the bathroom and the furthest stall. Jun locks them in and then turns to face Nino. He rips off their masks and devours Nino's lips again. Nino accepts his drugging kisses. He doesn't understand what Jun's actions implies, but he embraces it. He will asks questions when the time comes.
They kiss until they are breathless and bursting with desire. Pressed flush against his friend's bulkier body, Nino decides to pull back. He wants to see Jun's expression and guess what he's thinking. Jun doesn't allow him and embraces him tightly, nipping at his cheek, his neck and his ear.
Jun pauses and murmurs, "Kazu, I can't allow you to leave me. Only you, I won't let go. No matter what."
Nino thinks his heart cannot get any fuller. He nods against Jun's shoulder, an unconscious smile adorning his lips. There are still so many things he needs to learn, but right now he has his answer. At this moment, only the fact that Jun is here and accepts him matters. "Okay," he replies.
+++
When his girlfriend and he argued again for the fifth time that week, she begged him to not meet Jun any longer.
"Why? Why do I have to stop seeing my best friend?" Nino had asked her. "Why should who my friends are matter? Why let them come in between us?"
"You don't understand," she'd told him and burst into tears. "All I need is for you to say it. I want your reassurance that I'm the most important person to you. I only want you to choose me, Nino. It's not that hard."
"Why? Why?" Nino had implored. "Why can't I love you and still be friends with Jun? I can't. I'm sorry. I can't. Through thick and thin, Jun have always been with me."
"Nino, I'm not the most important person to you," she cried in the end. "Why? Why is there someone else?"
+++
"It's not as simple as you think," Nino whispers to Jun crammed with him in the small space under his desk. Their positions are made worse by the fact that he's half naked and straddling Jun. Above them standing at the door, Mao impatiently taps her foot.
"I thought I saw him in here a minute ago," she says.
Jun reaches into the front of Nino's unzipped pants and under his briefs. Nino clenches his teeth together and swallows a groan. He suppresses a shudder as Jun begins to skillfully touch him. After what seems like forever, Mao sighs and leaves his office. Nino immediately shoves Jun from him and runs to shut his door. He turns the lock, not planning to make the same mistake again.
"I'll never ever give someone the satisfaction of saying they're right," he vows under his breath as Jun comes up behind him. He swivels around to glare at his best friend and lover. "You need to stop coming to my office. I don't want to hear more rumors."
Jun laughs and begins where they left off, stripping away Nino's remaining clothes and wrapping his bare legs around his waist. "I still don't understand why it bothers you so much," he says as he press kisses along Nino's jaw. "The rumors are true, aren't they?"
"Aiba thinks we're living together," Nino mutters bitterly. "That I moved into your apartment. Why is it me that moved in with you?" He gets cut off when Jun slides into him and captures his mouth at the same time, swallowing his moans.
Jun breaks their kiss and he whispers against his lips, "Kazu, move in with me."
Nino pants and tries to steady his breath and racing heart. He isn't given the chance to answer when Jun starts moving before he regains his breath. Even so, through the fog of desire in his mind he realizes Jun may have always enjoyed the gossip about the both of them. Jun may even have been perpetuating it. Nino is infuriated by the possibility, although the heat and movements of their overlapped bodies temporarily makes him forget.
Later, Jun asks again, "Will you move in with me?"
Nino answers, "No."
Title: Familiar
Pairing/Focus: Matsumiya
Rating: R
Summary: Nino knows Jun would make the perfect boyfriend, except he doesn't have feelings for Jun in that way.
Too many times than he can count, they ask him, "Where's Matsumoto?" and he'll answer, "I don't know" because in reality he doesn't know and Ninomiya Kazunari, who is very much a separate entity from his best friend, wonders why they expect Jun and him to be together twenty-four hours a day seven days a week. Growing up together practically since birth did not mean they have to go to the bathroom together even as adults.
But what irritates Nino the most about being asked about Jun all the time is that on the opposite end no one ever asks Jun about him. The poor misguided souls don't know that the only reason Jun seems to be seen with him everywhere is because Jun clings to him wherever he goes whereas Nino can care less where Jun goes on his own. The unfairness of their misunderstanding baffles him.
"Why does it bother you so much?" Jun asks him when Nino complains for the nth time about it.
"Of course, you don't understand," Nino tells him. Just earlier that day Inoue Mao had asked him why he wouldn't just date Jun since they hung out together so much and couldn't be seen without the other. Disregarding the fact that Nino had actually, unsuccessfully, been trying to seduce Mao and her untimely insensitive question had ticked him off, Nino found her ignorance hard to stomach. Must he go to the length of hammering a notice on a billboard before people realize that Jun and he realistically do not see each other that much?
The injustice lingering in his mind, Nino continues to berate his friend's ears, "My life doesn't revolve around you. Why should it end with you?"
In the kitchen where he is cooking their dinner, Jun leaves the frying pan on the stove and moves to the counter where he watches Nino sulking on his couch. "Are you breaking up with me?" he lightly teases.
Nino takes a much needed deep breath and squares his shoulders. "Don't make fun of me, Jun. I'm serious. People think we need each other to breathe just because I know what your diapers smelled like. I, Ninomiya Kazunari, am still an eligible bachelor because everyone thinks I'm Matsumoto Jun's outstanding sidekick."
Jun sighs and goes back to the stove with disinterest. He's figured out one of the reasons why Nino's irritability is off the charts today. "You've been abstinent for far too long," he says.
Nino doesn't deny it. He grabs one of Jun's perfectly placed cushions and hugs it tight while resting his chin on top of it. He makes a face as he stares at Jun's broad back. "I haven't been to a club in years. We should just forget about dinner and go out tonight. You should know a lot of good places, Jun."
"I thought you wanted to get rid of your status as my sidekick?" Jun says.
"Yea and you make it worse when you tell everyone we meet that we've been together for ages," Nino starts. "It's time you start lying about it."
"Why do I have to lie just so you can get laid?" Jun asks.
Nino has a very good reason, but it's a reason he cannot tell Jun. After all, how is he supposed to tell his best friend that his latest girlfriend had dumped him because of his and Jun's close friendship. She'd learned about Nino's bisexuality and in curiosity had asked him for his ideal type in a man. He'd thought it couldn't matter to tell her of course because he was dating her. He'd given her a loose description of his ideal man: tall, funny, insightful, kind, sweet and drop-dead gorgeous.
"Like Matsumoto?" she'd asked and it had shocked Nino because why the fuck would he be talking about Jun. But he soon realized he had described his friend to the tee as she had realized and despite his assurances to her that he felt nothing at all for Jun except for friendship she'd begun to get jealous. Their relationship had spiraled downhill after that.
Nino tells Jun, "Forget it. I'll go by myself on another night."
Jun finishes separating the pasta into two plates and carries it over to the low sitting room table. He sets it before them and settles on the floor opposite the couch. "Good because I went through the trouble of cooking for you since you said you were hungry and you're not going anywhere until you finish it."
Nino forgets his aggravation and sits on the floor in front of his plate. He grins at Jun. "This is why I can't leave you," he says and swallows a forkful. "You make the perfect boyfriend. That is, if you'll actually go steady with someone."
Jun reaches out and casually wipes a sauce stain from Nino's chin. "But not for you."
Nino frowns at him as he withdraws. "What for me?"
"There's an exception," Jun says, digging into his pasta with deliberation. "To you I wouldn't make the perfect boyfriend because you don't want me."
Nino wants to retort that it's not all true. Especially for himself, his best friend would make the grandest boyfriend of all, but the realization itself causes him to hesitate and he cannot say it. Recalling his ex-girlfriend's jealousy Nino feels an awkwardness creep in between them. He becomes conscious of Jun not as a friend but as a man, a potential lover, someone who could blow anyone's mind away, and the spot on his chin that Jun had touched burns. Nino cannot help blushing in his consciousness.
"What I want makes no difference," he murmurs and stuffs his mouth.
+++
Despite Nino's willingness to forget the feeling, the issue turns up again only a week later. At the company when he stops by Mao's cubicle to flirt with her again, she sidetracks and asks, "The girls want to know if Matsumoto will go to the goukon tonight."
"What goukon?" he asks, incredulous that he hadn't been invited and Jun had been. He thought everyone equated them together.
"If Matsumoto is coming, it means you're also coming right?" she flippantly says. "So is he coming?"
Nino recoils from her. She watches him with a mischievous smile and he decides he doesn't like Mao that much anyway, not even enough for a one-night fling, and leaves. From behind he hears her giggle about the fact that he feels affronted and he hears a quietly murmured, "Cute" but it's not enough to turn him around. It is his misfortune to actually run into Jun in the men's bathroom.
"Hey, it's your sidekick," he unhappily mumbles and elbows Jun away from his urinal as Jun's zipping up and uses the stall for himself.
Jun washes his hands while Nino finishes up and then he scrutinizes his sulking friend who joins him at the sink. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"You mean what's wrong with me?" Nino replies. "I'm the only one who isn't head over heels elated to be connected to you."
Jun sighs and looks at their reflection in the mirror with a furrowed brow. "Are you on a campaign to tell me how much you hate being my friend?" he asks quietly.
Nino's pride is in tatters and he isn't in the mood to backtrack on his hostility. Not yet. He silently dries his hands on a paper towel and moves to the door leaving behind an equally tense Jun. Just before he walks out he slaps his hand against the tile and bellows, "I hope you have fun at the goukan tonight."
+++
The phone call comes at two in the morning and Nino ignores it. There is only one person who will call him in the middle of the night and he's not in the most benevolent mood to be bothered by that person, especially not when he's trying to get some sleep. The call comes again and for two more times Nino lets it die. On the fifth call, he surrenders. He slams his hand down on his phone and brings it to his ear.
"Kazu..." Jun drawls and trails off.
"What?" Nino groggily states, eyeing his alarm clock that reveals it's only three in the morning. "Are you drunk again?"
"Are you coming?" Jun asks, a hopeful note in his voice.
Just because of that Nino cannot refuse. He sighs and forces himself to get up from the bed. It's become a habit anyway for him to save his friend from clingy one-night stands and drunken stupors. Despite his running joke about being Jun's sidekick, Nino believes it's the opposite. He's definitely more of Jun's knight in shining armor than a freaking sideshow character. "Where are you?" he asks.
He arrives outside the pub half an hour later and sees Jun leaning heavily against the building with his eyes closed. Pulling the long sleeves of his sweatshirt over his chilled hands as he steps out of a cab into the cold night, Nino walks over to him, pauses, and when Jun still does not notice him he reaches out and flicks Jun's nose.
His inebriated friend starts, sees him and smiles dazzingly at him as if he'd just witnessed the most heavenly sight. Nino's heart skips a beat. The autumn wind picks up, whips around the two of them, and he shivers. He averts his eyes for a second and wonders if he's gone crazy. Jun is a friend and has smiled at him many times before. Why his heart decides to react now perplexes him. It's useless to feel like this.
Deciding to ignore it, Nino takes Jun's arm and slings it over his shoulder. He helps his friend to the cab. Once he has Jun inside, Nino slides into the backseat beside him and tells the driver their destination. Jun's head is thrown back against the backseat and his eyes closes again. An air of melancholy floats about him and since Nino knows his friend is actually quite a happy, energetic drunk he starts to worry.
"Did you break someone's heart again?" he asks. Despite his friend moving from person to person and refusing to settle, Nino knows Jun fears hurting others. He hasn't figured out why his friend will not exclusively date anyone, but it's always been a fact that Jun has an issue with commitment. Yet even for the sake of maintaining his discretion, turning down and leaving others have never been his strong point.
Instead of answering the question, Jun searches the space between them and comes upon Nino's hand which he grasps. He holds on tightly and Nino realizes Jun had been looking for his hand. His eyes still shut, Jun unconsciously begins to smooth his thumb over the back of Nino's hand in the gentlest of caresses and Nino's confused heart jumps again.
"I thought about you," Jun murmurs finally.
"And so?" Nino prods.
Jun sighs and his head slides down the backrest until it falls down on Nino's shoulder and he's resting comfortably against Nino's side using his skinny shoulder as support. Nino suffers the extra weight and presses him for an answer. "What about it?" he asks. "Are you saying you're sad because of me?"
Jun tries to nod. "Lately you're always angry when we're together," he mumbles. "I missed you." He tries to kiss the back of Nino's hand, but Nino quickly realizes what he intends to do and pulls their hands apart.
"Hey, Jun, you must be fucking smashed," Nino jokes, anxious about what may be spinning out of his control. His pounding heart bangs hard against his chest and drums in his ears. He can feel a flush coming and wishes he can make it stop. Nino glances up in time to catch the disapproving gaze of the taxi driver in the rearview mirror and quickly explains, "He's my friend. Best friend. We're not dating."
The taxi driver ignores his statement and silently drives on, making Nino feel foolish for trying to explain. They reach Jun's apartment complex and Nino takes Jun up to his apartment. Jun asks him to stay, but Nino puts him to bed and closes the bedroom door shut behind him. He helps himself to a few bills from his friend's wallet to pay for the fare before taking the same cab back to his own apartment. His ride home is uneventful and yet stressful because of the mountain of befuddling thoughts bogging his mind.
+++
"What is it?" the recipient of his phone call asks in an uninterested monotone. "Did you argue with Jun again?"
Nino scoffs. "I call you for other reasons too," he argues.
"The last time you called me was half a year ago when Jun gave you the cold shoulder for a whole week," Sho says and adds, "And deservedly so."
Nino grumbles. "You've always taken his side, Sho. Even during high school."
"Because he's almost always right," Sho tells him. "So what is it? Why did you call me?"
Curled in a ball in his armchair, his knees drawn up against his chest, Nino presses his phone against his ear with one hand while distractingly playing with the hem of his sweats with the other. He thinks about the past few days and then further back to the months preceding it. "Jun is different. He's changed," he says.
"What?" Sho laughs. "I just saw him the other day. He's still the same."
Perhaps it's because Nino have always been the closest to Jun, that's why he noticed. He denies Sho's statement strongly. "No, Jun's different now. He says some strange stuff and does...stuff. "
"For example?" Sho prompts.
"For example..." Nino takes a deep breath. "Like the way he smiles at me. It's weird."
Sho chuckles again, much to Nino's irritation. "You just noticed? Jun has always been like that, treating you better than the rest of us, reacting differently towards you, even in high school. Maybe it's you that's changed. You're finally on the same wavelength as the rest of us."
Nino still doesn't believe it's himself that's the problem. There's something about his best friend that has changed over the years and he'd only started to notice when his former girlfriend had made him conscious of his friend. In the past Jun didn't make Nino feel like some naive teen girl, Nino thinks. Jun didn't use to always smile at him like he was the most desirable person in the world, did he?
Nino ends his call with Sho and uneasily stay curled up in the armchair contemplating.
+++
In his first year of high school, he and his then new friend Sho had walked in on Jun during a make-out session with another classmate. At the height of their youths Jun and Nino had started to explore and grasp their sexuality, but Sho who knew nothing about their secret had frozen up when they'd caught Jun and the other boy in the act.
Before the two noticed them, Nino pulled a stiff-faced Sho out of the classroom and out into open space. Sho stumbled in the doorway and Nino saw Jun turn to catch sight of their retreating backs before they managed to get out into the hall and then down a flight of stairs. Sho had shied away from Nino the moment they stopped, but he saw the strained expression Nino wore and pulled himself together.
"I didn't know Matsumoto was like that," Sho started, trying to work past his ignorance and shock. "It surprised me. Did you know?"
A heavy stone had settled in the pit of Nino's stomach and its weight increased every second he thought back to the scene they'd just witness. He couldn't make himself answer and only shrugged.
Sho uncomfortably looked down at the floor and when he raised his gaze again he saw that Nino's eyes were also downturned. "Does it matter?" he asked.
But Nino's thoughts had been on a different track. He knew that boy, Ohno Satoshi. Jun had dragged him to the art exhibition set up by the art club during the school festival because he had been particularly captured by one piece. The art teacher had noticed their lingering presence and approached them. She introduced them to the artist, the very boy Jun made out with.
"Nino?" Sho called out and had tried to unsuccessfully pull Nino out of the sinking hole he'd fallen into.
+++
He skips the staff lounge and cafeteria and settles on the rooftop to smoke in peace during his lunch break. He starts on his fifth cigarette of that day while leisurely sitting against the concrete wall bordering the roof. The coldness of the wall at his back, the fresh autumn air and the nicotine relaxes him. For a short time he feels at peace as his mind empties itself. Much too soon his temporary composure is disturbed when the door to the rooftop opens and Jun steps out.
"This is where you ran off to," Jun starts and closes the door behind him. He walks over and stands in front of Nino, his hands in his pockets. Nino blankly stares up at him, his cigarette tucked in a corner of his lips. Jun frowns down at him. "I wish you would stop smoking. You're doing yourself no favors by sucking on that thing."
Nino sighs and takes the cigarette out of his mouth and stubs it out. "What do you want?"
Jun sits down beside him, back against the wall, and watches the door as Nino had been. "Your boss's looking for you. He sent his secretary up to our floor to ask for you. He thought you might have been with me."
"Why the heck would I bother myself with you on my lunch break?" Nino asks, his old irritation rising to the forefront again. Even if they're together presently, he doesn't necessarily have to be beside his best friend every waking moment he's free. He blames it on Inoue Mao and her gossiping friends for having spread the rumors so far that it's even reached his busy-bodied supervisor.
"Are we starting that again?" Jun asks wearily.
Nino rests his elbows on his upraised knees and hides his face with his palms. He remembers the latter night when a drunk Jun had confessed being disheartened by his crass behavior and he immediately, remorsefully cools down. He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he mumbles.
"Kazu, what's wrong?" Jun questions him, concerned. "Something's been troubling you."
"Yes, there's something wrong with me," Nino concedes. "It's me after all."
"What is it?"
Nino drops his hands and turns his head to look at Jun. They're sitting only a meter apart and the proximity causes his breath to catch. He begins to understand that it's himself that's definitely the problem and he doesn't even know where to begin to fix it. It's torture. How has he not noticed before the smooth curve of Jun's eyebrows and the enticing shape of his lips? "Jun," he starts, "we've been friends for so long that there's nothing new to see or know anymore. Isn't that supposed to be true?"
Jun is unimpressed with what he sees as Nino's attempt to skirt around the issue that worries him, but he gives in anyway and shrugs. "We grew up together. We change. Isn't it because we've always been able to accept the changes in each other that we're still here?"
Nino shifts closer to Jun and leans sideways until his head rests against Jun's shoulder. Like how he'd wordlessly supported Jun so many nights ago in the cab, his friend allows him the familiar action without complaint. But to Nino even if it's supposed to be standard between them, the contact causes an obscure sensation in his gut. "I had a strange dream last night," he begins on a wayward subject again, "we were stuck inside our old high school."
"Maybe your guilt from skipping out on our high school reunion last year is finally catching up to you," Jun jokingly assumes.
Nino ignores him and asks, "Jun, what happened to that boy, Ohno Satoshi?" Jun tenses under him and Nino sits up to peer closely at him. "I've always wondered about him," he says. "Is it okay if I know?"
Jun shrugs with some difficulty. "It's in the past now anyway. He left me."
Nino takes the knowledge in stride, after all he'd guessed it. Ohno had been the only person Nino had ever seen Jun develop serious affection for. When he'd stopped seeing Jun follow Ohno around like a lost puppy after their first year he'd guessed the reason Jun would no longer commit himself to anyone. He thinks it's a shame. "You're tall, funny, insightful, kind, sweet, handsome. Hardworking, too. You're my perfect ideal, Jun," Nino tells him lightly, almost playfully, even if it somehow pains him to pretend indifference. "You'll find the right person for you someday."
Jun watches him closely and his brows draw together in contemplation. "It's been years, Kazu," he says. "You're kidding me. I didn't know you could be so sentimental and sappy anyway."
Nino grumbles and flicks him on his too perfect nose. Did he just now notice how straight it is? "Fine. We're never talking about this again." He stands and glances down at his watch. He suddenly doesn't want to leave his friend, but it's inevitable. "Anyway, I have to run. If Aiba's looking for me, it means he broke his computer again."
"Kazu," Jun calls and Nino pauses by the door on his way inside. "Want to come over this weekend? I'll cook."
Jun regularly invites him over for no particular reason, especially on nights when he doesn't have plans. Nino had always graciously accepted; after all, Jun is a damn good cook and Nino will never trouble himself with take-out and convenience store lunch boxes if his friend is willing to cook for him. Yet for the first time he hesitates. With his current doubt, enclosing himself and Jun in an apartment alone will not help. He forces a smile on his face and says, "How about we go out instead? You know a lot of good places to meet people, don't you?"
Jun averts his gaze and stares wistfully up at the cloudy sky. "Fine."
+++
The day of Nino and Jun's graduation from senior high school had been a day of bliss for Nino. The reminder that he would never see most of his classmates and teachers again uplifted his spirits. After the ceremony, he prepared to leave the school grounds immediately, but Jun who would leave with him was nowhere to be found. Peeved by the fact that his freedom would remain imminent, Nino went searching for Jun. He saw a couple behind the school and quickly ducked away. He thought perhaps Jun had been called for a similar outing, a confession. It was not entirely impossible.
For the next hour, he searched through the school and the grounds. He asked a few loitering peers also, but Jun continued to elude him. Nino's aggravation grew into full blown anger and he decided to head home alone without his best friend. Wherever Jun had gone, his friend had not thought about him anyway.
His mother was at work and his sister had classes. He would be home alone and Nino planned to dissipate his anger with games. His mind changed when he entered his room and saw Jun on the floor beside his bed. His friend must have used the spare key to enter. What caused his earlier ire to vanish completely was the fact that Jun's arms were wrapped around his knees and tears streamed down his face. Nino had not seen Jun cry since they were children in grade school and his gut twisted at the sight.
If he was in Jun's position, he would've wanted his friend to pretend he wasn't crying and to be left alone. Yet, somehow Nino couldn't ignore it. He couldn't pretend that Jun wasn't in his room in shreds. He didn't have the temerity to talk, but he did grab a box of tissues and sit alongside Jun, their arms touching from shoulder to elbow. Jun took his offered tissues without a word.
Jun slept over that night and because Nino had been so shaken by his friend's tears, having a need to reassure himself, he crawled into Jun's futon and they shared the space. Jun even initiated contact by pressing himself along Nino's side. Nino had wondered if that night would be the last time they shared a bed. The heat of Jun's body warmed him and for the moment his concerns disappeared.
"Tomorrow is going to be different," he'd said. Tomorrow would be a new day and Jun shouldn't have to cry anymore.
Eventually Nino learned through Sho that Jun had ended his relationship with his girlfriend. The girl, like Jun, had swallowed the break-up with difficulty. Nino knew they had been casually seeing each other, but he hadn't thought it was serious since Jun had always shrugged her off. For it to have ended with Jun's tears, he realized his friend had cared much more than he assumed. But why Jun had decided with no apparent reason to end his relationship with her he could never guess.
+++
"It should be weird, but it doesn't feel that way," he says as soon as Sho picks up.
Sho sighs. "What feels weird?"
Instead of answering him, Nino continues, "I've known him since before snot was dripping out of his nose."
Sho immediately understands who he means and asks, "What about it? What's supposed to be weird about it?"
"Am I allowed to like him now?" Nino questions him instead.
"Explain," Sho begins in his exasperation.
"But I've always like him," Nino goes on, not heeding Sho's plea. "It's just a different kind of like now. Just a little different."
"Okay. I think I understand," Sho concedes. "And so?"
"Please don't tell Jun," Nino tells him and hangs up.
+++
Mao stops by his office for the first time since forever and although Nino has given up on her he finds himself giving her his full attention anyway. Just inside the doorway standing opposite him with his desk in between them, she sighs and crosses her arms.
"What is it?" Nino has to ask for her to begin.
"I'm just a messenger," she says. "The girls are angry that Matsumoto gave them a fake phone number."
Nino bursts into laughter. He didn't think his friend had it in him. Mao furrows her brows at him, but he finds it hard to curtail his amusement. He wipes his eyes and sits back comfortably in his swivel chair, for the first time feeling like he had the upper-hand. "So?" he asks. "Why come to me about it? Jun's only two floors up."
Mao gives up trying and sighs. "They told me to do something about it. I've told you. I did something. That's all." She leaves and Nino grins at her back.
Despite his previous apprehensions about being regarded too much with Jun, Nino goes up to find his friend during his break. He unfortunately learns from Jun's coworkers that Jun had left to meet with a client that afternoon. Nino goes back to his office more dejected than he'd expected to feel and emails Jun about his whereabouts and if their plans for that night are still intact. Shortly after, Jun replies with an assurance and Nino cannot help the foolish way his mood soars at the prospect of being together.
Although it's against his nature, he decides to stay after work to wait for his friend who still has to return to the company to put in his report. He leaves his office and goes to sit and wait for Jun at his desk. Jun's colleagues think nothing about it and leave when they complete their work for the day. Nino ends up alone in the office and looks around with renewed interest. He'd been there before, but everything has taken on a different meaning. He picks up the only framed photo Jun has on his desk and wonders why Jun picks this particular picture to stare at everyday.
It's a family photo with Jun's parents and his older sister, but Nino's also in the picture. He remembers taking it, remembers the spring afternoon when they'd celebrated Jun's mother's birthday with just his family and childhood best friend. He sets the photo down and sighs. He rests his head on the desk impatiently. He cannot wait until Jun returns. He wishes to see his friend so badly at that moment that nothing else matters.
A loud sound startles him and he raises his head to look at the entrance. What captures his attention is two office workers making-out against the wall, hungrily devouring each other's lips and pressing their lower bodies together. They had most likely believed the room empty, not realizing that Nino is there. Nino cringes and wonders if he should hide or make a break for it. He hears a moan and a whisper.
"Not here," Jun tells his partner.
Nino's head snaps up and he gets a unfettered view of Jun up against the wall pulling the woman closer to him. His heart seems to stop. Through half-lidded eyes Jun also sees Nino at last and his arms wrapped around the woman falls limp. Shocked to find Nino there, he freezes. Nino and his eyes center on each other across the distance.
Nino feels a sense of déja vu. This happened before. He cannot remember when at the specific moment, but he does finally understand why he's sinking into a bottomless pit. He feels winded. When the girl realizes Jun is no longer responding to her ministrations, she pauses and follows his line of vision. She catches sight of Nino and screams, hiding her face in Jun's jacket.
Nino wishes she wouldn't touch Jun. He wishes it were different, that he hadn't seen this, that he isn't reminded once again what is untouchable. He knows suddenly that this is how it have always been. Jun and he are best friends. No matter when, then and now, he isn't allowed to step across the boundary.
"Kazu," Jun starts at last, breathlessly.
Nino runs out of the office as fast as he can. He's made it to the elevators when Jun catches up to him and snatches his arm to turn him around.
"Kazu, I--" Jun starts.
Nino pulls his arm from Jun's grip and forces himself to laugh. It sounds hollow. "Sorry, Jun. I didn't know. Sorry. You can go back," he manages to say. It hurts to just breathe. The elevator doors open and he steps inside. Jun doesn't follow. Nino watches him from inside the enclosed box and forces himself to grin. He hates having to force himself to smile, to laugh, but he does. He giggles at the forlorn look on Jun's face. "I know you'll be busy tonight. I'll go out alone."
When the elevator doors close, he's still laughing like a maniac and chokes down on a sob.
+++
"Nino, what is it this time?" Sho sighs from the other end as soon as he picks up.
"Forget it," Nino murmurs. "Forget everything. It never happened."
"What is this even about?" Sho starts to ask.
"Tomorrow will be the same. It won't change," Nino tells him.
+++
In kindergarten, Jun had received chocolates from all of the girls in their class on Valentine's Day. When Nino and Jun walked home together at the end of that day, Nino had to help his friend carry his things. Nino pouted when he'd seen the two small bag of chocolates. He'd only received an obligatory chocolate that their teacher had given to all of her students.
Jun noticed his sulking and he'd stopped them to rummage through his bags. He picked up a box of chocolate and offered it to Nino. "Here," he'd said.
"I don't want it," Nino muttered. Even as a child, he hated to be pitied.
But Jun tried to press it into his hand. "You can have as many as you want," he said.
"I don't want it," Nino repeated and tried to shove it away. "I don't need it."
Jun's expression fell and he muttered, "Kazu, you won't hate me?"
Nino, who knew his friend had just been trying to be kind, felt awful for being the cause of Jun's unhappiness. Against his will, he took the offered chocolates. It felt heavy in his hands. It didn't belong to him. He opened the box, broke off a piece of chocolate and held it. He didn't know what to do with it. Decidedly he held it up to Jun's lips. Jun looked from it to him and then without a second thought opened his mouth, allowing Nino to feed him. Nino watched him eat and then took a piece for himself. The sweet chocolate melted on their tongues.
"It's good," Jun said, watching him carefully for his response.
Nino closed the box and returned the half eaten chocolate to the bag. "I'm okay, Jun."
Jun became anxious and asked, "So Kazu will still be my friend?"
Nino's spirits had lightened considerably and he grinned widely. "I won't hate you. I'll always be Jun's best friend," he assured.
+++
He wasn't lying when he'd said he hasn't been out in years. He wanders into the night district uncertain of where he should go. Nino heads inside the pub endorsed by the most insistent solicitor on the street. Unfortunately he ends up inside an eccentric club with a promotional masquerade theme. At one glance, the crowd of strangers in masks freaks him out. He freezes inside the doorway.
The bouncer sees him and points him to the bar. "You can buy a cheap mask there," he says.
Although his instincts tells him to get out, Nino does as he's told and goes up to the bartender to ask for a mask. The bartender hands him one of the generic and plastic black eye masks that Nino had seen on quite a few of the revelers. He puts it on, but grabs a seat by the bar and decides to drink by himself. He doesn't actually want to do anything but drink himself to sleep. Why'd he even come out baffles him. Perhaps he just didn't want to be at home alone being pathetic and miserable.
"Are you alone?" the bartender asks him as he slides his drink across to him.
Nino shrugs and sips his cocktail.
"Why this place?" the bartender continues. "I haven't seen you before. Do you have a mask fetish?"
Nino wishes the bartender would stop asking questions. He doesn't want to talk. He tilts his head back and downs his drink in one shot. Then he walks onto the dance floor. The beat of the music drowns out everything else and Nino allows his mind to focus on nothing but his movements and the music. In the next hour, he goes back to the bar to order a drink two more times and each time he gulps it down in a hurry. He teeters back to the dance floor after his last trip and sways on his feet. The crashing bodies of other revelers keeps him standing.
If Nino really, really thinks about it Jun has never been just a best friend. Jun have always been someone special, someone within his own category. Nino thinks that maybe he was wrong to want something more. He shouldn't destroy what he already has. He shouldn't be greedy.
A body sidles up to his from behind and presses up against him until Nino's back and his front are molded together. Nino's body stiffens and he clumsily tries to reject the advances by pushing the person away. Instead of leaving him alone, the person takes his wrist in a tight grip and Nino feels trapped. His head clears enough so that he turns to tell the persistent offender off. He confronts a man slightly taller than him with a black mask like his. Even with the flimsy plastic eye mask, he can recognize those full lips and that small chin anywhere.
Nino swallows and tries to be coherent. His heart bangs against his chest and where Jun grips his wrist begins to burn. "J-jun..." he starts, not actually knowing what to say. He hadn't expected his friend to be here. How had he known?
"You've mistaken me for someone else," Jun tells him deliberately, holding his fevered gaze. "We don't know each other. Tonight...I'm only a man, a stranger, and you're the one that caught my attention." He tries to persuade Nino and himself. Under their charade, he pulls Nino by his hand until they're molded to each other again and moves them to the beat of the music blaring in their ears.
Nino finds himself relaxing in Jun's familiar arms. He thinks Jun is right. At this moment they do not know each other. It is just them, two men attracted to each other, without their history and its boundaries. He doesn't even consider anything when Jun's hands on his hips moves up to cup his face and draws their faces near. His eyes instinctively close and he feels Jun's full, soft lips overlap his. They taste each other tentatively at first and then becomes stronger. Nino opens his lips and allows Jun to explore his mouth with his tongue. Filled with their desires, they drink in the feel and taste of each other, the dance floor and music becoming nothing but a distant background.
Nino feels Jun's slender fingers under his shirt against his skin. He smells Jun's sweat mixed with his cologne. His own hands slides up Jun's back and traces the broad outline of his friend's shoulders. It is familiar but also different. The distinctiveness is small, but among the billion things he loves about his friend. Nino realizes he doesn't want to have to forget when they take off their masks and the night is over. Even if it is just an act, he doesn't want a stranger in his arms. He wants his friend and everything, the memories, the feelings, the years of attachment, that comes with it.
In a split second, Nino breaks off the sweet contact and extracts himself from Jun. Jun stares at him in surprise, his lips red and swollen.
"I don't want a stranger," Nino tells him, struggling against the building ache in his chest. "I only need Jun." It's taken him years to reach this point, to realize all of this, and although he knows he is being greedy, he'd rather have everything or nothing at all.
In spite of it, he is surprised when Jun takes his hand again and drags him out of the dance floor. Nino follows him to the bathroom and the furthest stall. Jun locks them in and then turns to face Nino. He rips off their masks and devours Nino's lips again. Nino accepts his drugging kisses. He doesn't understand what Jun's actions implies, but he embraces it. He will asks questions when the time comes.
They kiss until they are breathless and bursting with desire. Pressed flush against his friend's bulkier body, Nino decides to pull back. He wants to see Jun's expression and guess what he's thinking. Jun doesn't allow him and embraces him tightly, nipping at his cheek, his neck and his ear.
Jun pauses and murmurs, "Kazu, I can't allow you to leave me. Only you, I won't let go. No matter what."
Nino thinks his heart cannot get any fuller. He nods against Jun's shoulder, an unconscious smile adorning his lips. There are still so many things he needs to learn, but right now he has his answer. At this moment, only the fact that Jun is here and accepts him matters. "Okay," he replies.
+++
When his girlfriend and he argued again for the fifth time that week, she begged him to not meet Jun any longer.
"Why? Why do I have to stop seeing my best friend?" Nino had asked her. "Why should who my friends are matter? Why let them come in between us?"
"You don't understand," she'd told him and burst into tears. "All I need is for you to say it. I want your reassurance that I'm the most important person to you. I only want you to choose me, Nino. It's not that hard."
"Why? Why?" Nino had implored. "Why can't I love you and still be friends with Jun? I can't. I'm sorry. I can't. Through thick and thin, Jun have always been with me."
"Nino, I'm not the most important person to you," she cried in the end. "Why? Why is there someone else?"
+++
"It's not as simple as you think," Nino whispers to Jun crammed with him in the small space under his desk. Their positions are made worse by the fact that he's half naked and straddling Jun. Above them standing at the door, Mao impatiently taps her foot.
"I thought I saw him in here a minute ago," she says.
Jun reaches into the front of Nino's unzipped pants and under his briefs. Nino clenches his teeth together and swallows a groan. He suppresses a shudder as Jun begins to skillfully touch him. After what seems like forever, Mao sighs and leaves his office. Nino immediately shoves Jun from him and runs to shut his door. He turns the lock, not planning to make the same mistake again.
"I'll never ever give someone the satisfaction of saying they're right," he vows under his breath as Jun comes up behind him. He swivels around to glare at his best friend and lover. "You need to stop coming to my office. I don't want to hear more rumors."
Jun laughs and begins where they left off, stripping away Nino's remaining clothes and wrapping his bare legs around his waist. "I still don't understand why it bothers you so much," he says as he press kisses along Nino's jaw. "The rumors are true, aren't they?"
"Aiba thinks we're living together," Nino mutters bitterly. "That I moved into your apartment. Why is it me that moved in with you?" He gets cut off when Jun slides into him and captures his mouth at the same time, swallowing his moans.
Jun breaks their kiss and he whispers against his lips, "Kazu, move in with me."
Nino pants and tries to steady his breath and racing heart. He isn't given the chance to answer when Jun starts moving before he regains his breath. Even so, through the fog of desire in his mind he realizes Jun may have always enjoyed the gossip about the both of them. Jun may even have been perpetuating it. Nino is infuriated by the possibility, although the heat and movements of their overlapped bodies temporarily makes him forget.
Later, Jun asks again, "Will you move in with me?"
Nino answers, "No."