Sugar and Pepper (09)
Edited: 2012.07.21
EIGHT
* NINE*
01.
Early morning, Satoshi woke for school at the usual time that his brother would have already left. Light filtering through the window momentarily blinded him. He closed his eyes again and breathed for a second, wishing he could go back to sleep. But he sighed and knew that he had to get up soon. Waking late came with its disadvantages and it was that he had no time to waste.
Jun knew too. "Satoshi, if you don't get up soon we'll have to run."
That voice shouldn't be here, Satoshi thought. He sat up and was shocked to see his younger brother standing dressed in the doorway
.
"No time for questions. Hurry up," Jun ordered.
Satoshi kept still. He stared, bleared eyed and sleepy, at the bold look that the latter gave him.
"Really," the younger boy sighed in exasperation.
Satoshi continued to sit, unable to express his wonder why his brother was there.
So Jun turned into the hall and explained in a mumble of self-conscious embarrassment, "I just thought it'd be better if we walk together from now on."
Watching his receding back, Satoshi was glad Jun had left, because a mysterious burning had also climbed up his face.
02.
They walked to school together. The nagging feeling Satoshi felt earlier continued to linger. He wondered if something between them had changed. Despite Jun being late once, this time was different. But Satoshi could not pinpoint the problem and he was troubled.
They stood side by side, half a meter apart, and kept to a brisk pace before Satoshi decided to move closer. He reached out to grasp Jun's arm because he could not summon the voice to call out. Instantly, Jun arched an eyebrow in his direction; Satoshi rarely initiated anything.
For that same reason, Satoshi stuttered as he began, "J-jun, y-yesterday..." What had happened yesterday? he wanted to ask and couldn't say the rest.
From his lack of confidence, Jun found his. Jun pulled Satoshi's grip from his arm and took Satoshi's hand instead. "I'm not fond of being late, so I might rush, but don't lag behind."
Satoshi blatantly stared at their combined hands, aware of the connection so much more than the night before, that Jun couldn't help but flush. But he didn't release his hold.
And it was not until they were close to their school that they broke apart.
03.
In class, Satoshi pursed his lower lip and stared off into the distance. His eyes glazed over during lessons, but his teacher walking around while the students individually tackled their work appreciated his effort in keeping his head up that day and left him alone.
Only during lunch was he finally bothered by Miyuki.
"At least you're no longer looking starved," she joked as she approached him. Satoshi's brain barely registered her remark while she routinely pulled over a chair. Mistaking his expressionless look, she quickly denied, "I'm not here for your lunch again!"
His face remained empty. Satoshi wondered why she continued to bother him when no one else cared. Much like Jun, he couldn't help adding.
On cue, Miyuki leaned in and said, "I'm here about your brother, Ohno. When is his birthday anyway? You're making this more difficult than it has to be."
He blinked at her, remembering his promise. The usual clench in his gut bothered him.
"Well?" she said, waiting for his answer.
"I..." he began. She stared straight at him, her lips thinning and her bright beady eyes expectant. He couldn't tell her that he wanted to take back his promise, that it didn't feel right. "I don't know when it is," he confessed.
Miyuki snorted. "You lie."
04.
As usual, Satoshi stood by the fence after school and stared at the occupied baseball field. He sought for his brother among the members and was disappointed to see that Jun was not there.
"I knew you would be here again," a familiar voice came from behind him.
Satoshi turned to find the missing player a few feet from him wearing a smug grin and gripping his baseball mitt.
But Jun's grin quickly disappeared. In a serious tone, Jun asked, "Satoshi, why do you watch from here? You should sit at the bleachers. It's closer and the view is better."
Preoccupied with trying to stifle his emotions at Jun being there, Satoshi did not answer.
Jun frowned once a few seconds elapsed in silence. He wondered if they had gone back to how it was.
But then the older boy finally spoke. "You said you were tired of doing everything for me," he mumbled.
At his accusation, Jun froze and another round of seconds passed. He returned, "It was the truth. I'm tired."
"Then leave me alone," Satoshi said. He knew he shouldn't be saying any of this, but his gut twisted and he couldn't control the frustration at not being able to tell what it meant.
A dip formed between Jun's brows. "So what does it matter if I help you again?"
"Because I don't like being led by your mood," Satoshi said, charging ahead once he had begun. "I don't like you being on and off. I don't like you doing things just because. I don't like it. I don't like you."
Jun blinked, taken back by Satoshi's declarations. He had never heard his older brother say so much and yet so angrily, directed at him.
Satoshi also knew. Shame washed over him as Jun steeled his expression to hide his hurt.
"I see," Jun said and left, leaving his miserable brother behind.
05.
Satoshi did not feel like going home. As the evening wore on, he leaned against the school building far from the fields and sulked alone. He couldn't understand himself and his own frustration. It had ruined everything. He had ruined everything.
Why couldn't he be grateful and stay silent? Why did he always have to destroy things that were going well? Maybe Jun was right. Maybe he specialized in punishing himself. He did not deserve to be happy. He had hurt Jun, and that was hurting himself more.
As he dwelled in deep regret, a sudden noise broke through his deserted location. He glanced up from the ground to see another boy making his way down the cemented sidewalk. The boy caught his eye at the same time. They recognized each other.
Satoshi remembered him as the freshman he had met on the staircase, the lowerclassman who had climbed up the stairs in anger during lunch. This time, the boy appeared to be angry as well.
"You're always alone and in a secluded area," the freshman grumbled as he neared Satoshi's spot against the building. "Outcast?"
Like the first time they met, Satoshi kept silent.
And like the first time they met, the freshman did not care.
He deemed to pass by his upperclassman and moved forward at a fast pace, but was surprised when he reached the position directly across and Satoshi halfheartedly called out, "Which sport?"
The freshman stopped and stared at him in incomprehension.
Satoshi alluded to their first meeting. Though he hated the attention, he held on to the spontaneous courage and stuttered, "Y-you said last time that a ball had knocked you out."
The boy from the path frowned at the reminder. He contemplated and Satoshi thought he would walk away without answering, but the freshman replied, "Soccer."
"Oh," Satoshi sounded, unable to think of a proper response. His temporary courage was already seeping away from him, but he followed with a quiet question. "Did you get to play?"
"No," the boy answered.
"Oh," Satoshi repeated, his spirits mirroring the freshman.
For some reason, the boy smiled. He tilted his head at an odd angle and shrugged. "Yea. Thank you for pretending to care."
Satoshi did not flinch; the statement had not been spoken with sarcasm.
Concluding them to be finished, the lowerclassman continued down the path but he raised one arm in farewell to his senior this time. "See you if we meet again, senpai."
Satoshi watched him disappear down the corner. Another wave of courage overcame him, this time stronger than when he had called out to the freshman. He realized that it had not been that hard to speak. It had not cost him anything.
If only he could just hold on to this courage, he could face Jun.
06.
Jun had practiced his hardest to refrain from thinking about what had transpired between him and his brother.
Despite his patience, everything had faulted the moment of Satoshi's outburst. The idea that he had lost control of the situation, that his brother still confused him with every word and action, frustrated Jun.
So he successfully replaced mental processes with physical exertions and that worked at easing his mind off his circumstances. At the end of the day his mood had lightened considerably, and he was satisfied with his training.
After changing, he left the locker rooms promising his friends that he'd wait for them outside. Yet upon stepping out, he was surprised to find his brother standing by the doors waiting for someone; waiting for him.
He forgot his friends. Jun walked away in an effort to lose Satoshi. The pang from earlier returned. He didn't want to argue now.
To his irritation, Satoshi followed. "Jun," he started.
Jun ignored him, his eyes locked on the outer school gate in the distance. He might as well ride the momentum and go all the way home.
"Jun," Satoshi started again.
Jun did not answer. After being disregarded too many times, he thought his older brother should taste what it was like to be ignored.
But Satoshi only continued to repeat, "Jun."
"What do you want?" Jun grumbled. Though he had been on the brink of running, Satoshi caught up and, like that morning, reached out to catch his arm. Jun slowed and turned to frown at his brother.
Satoshi knew his own brashness and looked to the ground, yet he did not release Jun's arm. "If," he started quietly. "If I watch from the bleachers from now on, and if I stay until you finish... w-will you walk back with me too?" Because Jun had said they would walk together in the mornings, and Satoshi wanted him to keep that promise still.
Jun was baffled (as he always was when his brother was involved). When Satoshi refused to let him go, he realized an answer was required. Jun sighed loudly, exasperated. He wondered when Satoshi would stop confusing him.
"You have your moods too," he accused, irritable.
Satoshi refused to meet his glare.
Jun's willpower dissolved. He would not smile, but he pulled his arm out of his brother's grip. He clasped their hands together like that morning.
Satoshi beamed, overwhelmed by the forgiving gesture.
Jun's phone rang at that moment. He received his friend's call and said into the receiver, "Sorry. Leaving first."
Hanging up, Jun glanced at his brother and saw the silly smile on Satoshi's face. "You're so troublesome," he repeated. Satoshi only continued to smile meekly.
Jun tightened his fingers around his brother's and pulled him along towards home, holding back his own grin.
* *
TEN