Sugar and Pepper (15)
FOURTEEN
* FIFTEEN *
01.
On a sweltering summer morning, the two boys stood on the threshold while their parents drove away.
"Have a good trip!" Jun waved cheerfully at the retreating car.
His mother turned and returned his wave from the passenger seat, her huge smile a mirror of Mr. Matsumoto's. She did not spare her sons another glance as they turned the corner.
Jun's exaggerated cheerfulness disappeared as soon as they did. He dropped his arm and went back inside the house.
Satoshi followed him. "Jun," he began.
Jun ran up the stairs and pretended to not hear.
Satoshi refused to give up and ran up behind him. "I need to talk to you," he said.
Again, Jun ignored him. He entered their bedroom, grabbed his wallet, and as Satoshi came through the door, he pushed pass and went down the stairs again. As he stopped to pull on his shoes, Satoshi realized he was heading out.
"Where are you going?”
"None of your business." Jun reached for the door.
Desperate, Satoshi took hold of his sleeve. "Jun," he started again. “My father, he--“
Jun pulled his arm from his brother’s grasp and walked out. He did not turn back. He did not see the forlorn look on Satoshi’s face.
02.
Jun stood beside Miyuki a few hours later as she examined a set of watches on display. A few of the girls in the shop whispered to each other and stole glances at him. He did his best to ignore them. But as he waited for Miyuki to make her decision, his mind wandered to thoughts about his brother again and how he had left him. He shifted his foot restlessly.
“This one?” Miyuki asked, glancing up at him in confirmation as she pointed at a gaudy gold watch.
With difficulty, Jun steered his mind to focus on what they were doing. He leaned closer to the glass display and squinted at her choice. “I thought you said he didn’t like flashy things. I think a simple and stylish watch would suit him best.” He pointed to a different silver watch further back. “Like this one.”
Miyuki’s gaze followed his finger. She gasped. “Amazing, Jun-sama.”
An employee appeared from behind the counter and smiled at them. “Do you need help?” she asked. Her eyes rested on Jun for a second before they darted back to Miyuki. “Are you buying a gift for your boyfriend here?”
Miyuki chuckled shyly. “Do we look like a couple?”
The employee’s smile cringed. Before she could answer, Jun stepped in. “We’re not a couple,” he corrected. “I’m here to help her buy a gift for her boyfriend.”
At his denial, Miyuki straightened and reigned in her giddiness. She cleared her throat and pointed a plump finger to the watch Jun had singled out. “I’d like to take a closer look at this one, please.”
03.
Satoshi sat at home alone with only his sketchpad and pencils, but he did not touch the utensils. He watched the clock, the door, and his cell phone. His eyes closed a few times, but every time his body tilted forward, he caught himself and straightened. He waited for Jun.
Jun couldn’t possibly leave him to himself all day, he reasoned, especially not as soon as their parents left. Jun was not as cruel as that. He wanted to believe it.
Satoshi’s phone rang. Hesitantly, he took a look at the caller. His father. Again. He picked up the call, but did not speak into the receiver.
“Satoshi, is that you?” his father asked from the other end.
He took a deep breath.
04.
They walked out of the shop and entered the throng of people on the street where a large number of teenagers like themselves were making their way from one place to another. Despite the unrelenting crowd that forced them to stand close together, Miyuki made sure there was enough space between them that she did not touch Jun.
“Now that that’s done, let’s go somewhere fun,” she said, happily clutching the gift bag containing her latest purchase.
Jun swerved the flailing arm of a passing stranger and chose not to comment as he contemplated.
They had planned this date weeks ago, and he hadn’t questioned anything at that time. But now, he thought about the enthusiastic Miyuki who had told him from the beginning about her boyfriend. She wasn’t cheating she had told him, since Jun and she were not dating. She was just spending time with someone she like. She was his fan. He wondered if her boyfriend understood her logic.
“Your boyfriend must be confident to let you go on a date with me,” he said. “I’m not sure I would feel the same.”
She misunderstood his meaning. In the middle of the street, Miyuki blurted passionately, “I will always, always, love you, Jun-sama!”
Jun stepped away to increase the distance between them. He hoped in vain that no one was looking. “At least, he will misunderstand that if he hears you.”
“He won’t!” Miyuki declared. “He knows!”
Jun wondered how she could be so sure. How could she believe her boyfriend wouldn’t be angry? How could he trust her without really knowing? How did she know the difference between what she felt for her boyfriend and Jun? He didn’t like that he had so many unanswered questions. “Even if he does, you shouldn’t go around making others misunderstand,” he said.
Miyuki bowed her head and frowned at her feet.
05.
Jun returned home late at night and did not check to see where his brother was. His intention was to get to bed as soon as possible without meeting Satoshi. He went straight for the stairs from the door and did not see his brother until Satoshi stepped in and blocked his path. Jun had to pause.
“Get out of the way,” he said and glared.
Satoshi wavered, but did not move. “L-let’s go back,” he said, meeting Jun’s angry gaze.
Jun made no effort to understand the broken words. “I’m tired and I don’t have time to deal with you.” He pushed pass Satoshi for the stairs, but like that morning Satoshi gripped his shirt and held on tight.
“Let’s go back!” he cried.
“Don’t pull on it!” Jun shouted, even as he climbed the steps in an attempt to get away.
He pushed Satoshi from him, but his brother held on tighter. Jun climbed another step as they fought for control and forced Satoshi to climb. They pushed and pulled back and forth with all their strength, one boy struggling to move up while the other struggled to keep them down. Until Satoshi lost his footing.
In that split second, Jun didn’t think. He jumped, reached out, and caught Satoshi. They tumbled down the stairs to the floor; slammed against it with a thud that reverberated throughout the house.
Both groaned.
Jun had landed on top, but he had one arm twisted under his brother that had rammed between the floor and their bodies. He predicted a sprained wrist and worried about playing baseball. Then he worried about Satoshi underneath him, facing the floor, his hands also outstretched to catch their fall. He couldn’t see Satoshi’s expression.
“Jun?” Satoshi called out, weakly.
Jun remembered his older brother calling out to him, holding him, clasping his hand. His brother using him to speak, to hide behind, needing him. And Miyuki that afternoon, enthusiastic and positive, declaring her love in front of a crowd. In that moment, he understood Satoshi's broken words.
“Jun?” Satoshi called again.
Jun leaned in. He pressed his face against the back of Satoshi’s nape until his hot breath touched his brother’s skin, until they were pressed together from shoulder to waist. To his brother, he said, “I can’t.” He couldn’t go back to how they were. He couldn’t even if he tried.
He pulled back and untangled his arm. Satoshi shifted and turned as he stood on shaking legs. With no one to stop him this time, Jun raced up the stairs. He locked the door to their shared bedroom and dived under the covers.
06.
He woke up hours later, hot and sweating under his blanket, and threw it off him. He didn’t remember falling asleep. The sky outside his window was still dark. When he turned to look at the empty futon, he recalled that he had locked his brother out.
Jun went downstairs to see if Satoshi slept on the couch. It was empty. The kitchen, too, was silent and bare. He checked the bathroom, closets, his parents’ room, and every corner. He couldn’t find Satoshi.
Jun ran to the door. It was unlocked. He checked the veranda and found it empty also.
He looked at the starry night sky and found its glittering darkness cold.
* *
SIXTEEN
* FIFTEEN *
01.
On a sweltering summer morning, the two boys stood on the threshold while their parents drove away.
"Have a good trip!" Jun waved cheerfully at the retreating car.
His mother turned and returned his wave from the passenger seat, her huge smile a mirror of Mr. Matsumoto's. She did not spare her sons another glance as they turned the corner.
Jun's exaggerated cheerfulness disappeared as soon as they did. He dropped his arm and went back inside the house.
Satoshi followed him. "Jun," he began.
Jun ran up the stairs and pretended to not hear.
Satoshi refused to give up and ran up behind him. "I need to talk to you," he said.
Again, Jun ignored him. He entered their bedroom, grabbed his wallet, and as Satoshi came through the door, he pushed pass and went down the stairs again. As he stopped to pull on his shoes, Satoshi realized he was heading out.
"Where are you going?”
"None of your business." Jun reached for the door.
Desperate, Satoshi took hold of his sleeve. "Jun," he started again. “My father, he--“
Jun pulled his arm from his brother’s grasp and walked out. He did not turn back. He did not see the forlorn look on Satoshi’s face.
02.
Jun stood beside Miyuki a few hours later as she examined a set of watches on display. A few of the girls in the shop whispered to each other and stole glances at him. He did his best to ignore them. But as he waited for Miyuki to make her decision, his mind wandered to thoughts about his brother again and how he had left him. He shifted his foot restlessly.
“This one?” Miyuki asked, glancing up at him in confirmation as she pointed at a gaudy gold watch.
With difficulty, Jun steered his mind to focus on what they were doing. He leaned closer to the glass display and squinted at her choice. “I thought you said he didn’t like flashy things. I think a simple and stylish watch would suit him best.” He pointed to a different silver watch further back. “Like this one.”
Miyuki’s gaze followed his finger. She gasped. “Amazing, Jun-sama.”
An employee appeared from behind the counter and smiled at them. “Do you need help?” she asked. Her eyes rested on Jun for a second before they darted back to Miyuki. “Are you buying a gift for your boyfriend here?”
Miyuki chuckled shyly. “Do we look like a couple?”
The employee’s smile cringed. Before she could answer, Jun stepped in. “We’re not a couple,” he corrected. “I’m here to help her buy a gift for her boyfriend.”
At his denial, Miyuki straightened and reigned in her giddiness. She cleared her throat and pointed a plump finger to the watch Jun had singled out. “I’d like to take a closer look at this one, please.”
03.
Satoshi sat at home alone with only his sketchpad and pencils, but he did not touch the utensils. He watched the clock, the door, and his cell phone. His eyes closed a few times, but every time his body tilted forward, he caught himself and straightened. He waited for Jun.
Jun couldn’t possibly leave him to himself all day, he reasoned, especially not as soon as their parents left. Jun was not as cruel as that. He wanted to believe it.
Satoshi’s phone rang. Hesitantly, he took a look at the caller. His father. Again. He picked up the call, but did not speak into the receiver.
“Satoshi, is that you?” his father asked from the other end.
He took a deep breath.
04.
They walked out of the shop and entered the throng of people on the street where a large number of teenagers like themselves were making their way from one place to another. Despite the unrelenting crowd that forced them to stand close together, Miyuki made sure there was enough space between them that she did not touch Jun.
“Now that that’s done, let’s go somewhere fun,” she said, happily clutching the gift bag containing her latest purchase.
Jun swerved the flailing arm of a passing stranger and chose not to comment as he contemplated.
They had planned this date weeks ago, and he hadn’t questioned anything at that time. But now, he thought about the enthusiastic Miyuki who had told him from the beginning about her boyfriend. She wasn’t cheating she had told him, since Jun and she were not dating. She was just spending time with someone she like. She was his fan. He wondered if her boyfriend understood her logic.
“Your boyfriend must be confident to let you go on a date with me,” he said. “I’m not sure I would feel the same.”
She misunderstood his meaning. In the middle of the street, Miyuki blurted passionately, “I will always, always, love you, Jun-sama!”
Jun stepped away to increase the distance between them. He hoped in vain that no one was looking. “At least, he will misunderstand that if he hears you.”
“He won’t!” Miyuki declared. “He knows!”
Jun wondered how she could be so sure. How could she believe her boyfriend wouldn’t be angry? How could he trust her without really knowing? How did she know the difference between what she felt for her boyfriend and Jun? He didn’t like that he had so many unanswered questions. “Even if he does, you shouldn’t go around making others misunderstand,” he said.
Miyuki bowed her head and frowned at her feet.
05.
Jun returned home late at night and did not check to see where his brother was. His intention was to get to bed as soon as possible without meeting Satoshi. He went straight for the stairs from the door and did not see his brother until Satoshi stepped in and blocked his path. Jun had to pause.
“Get out of the way,” he said and glared.
Satoshi wavered, but did not move. “L-let’s go back,” he said, meeting Jun’s angry gaze.
Jun made no effort to understand the broken words. “I’m tired and I don’t have time to deal with you.” He pushed pass Satoshi for the stairs, but like that morning Satoshi gripped his shirt and held on tight.
“Let’s go back!” he cried.
“Don’t pull on it!” Jun shouted, even as he climbed the steps in an attempt to get away.
He pushed Satoshi from him, but his brother held on tighter. Jun climbed another step as they fought for control and forced Satoshi to climb. They pushed and pulled back and forth with all their strength, one boy struggling to move up while the other struggled to keep them down. Until Satoshi lost his footing.
In that split second, Jun didn’t think. He jumped, reached out, and caught Satoshi. They tumbled down the stairs to the floor; slammed against it with a thud that reverberated throughout the house.
Both groaned.
Jun had landed on top, but he had one arm twisted under his brother that had rammed between the floor and their bodies. He predicted a sprained wrist and worried about playing baseball. Then he worried about Satoshi underneath him, facing the floor, his hands also outstretched to catch their fall. He couldn’t see Satoshi’s expression.
“Jun?” Satoshi called out, weakly.
Jun remembered his older brother calling out to him, holding him, clasping his hand. His brother using him to speak, to hide behind, needing him. And Miyuki that afternoon, enthusiastic and positive, declaring her love in front of a crowd. In that moment, he understood Satoshi's broken words.
“Jun?” Satoshi called again.
Jun leaned in. He pressed his face against the back of Satoshi’s nape until his hot breath touched his brother’s skin, until they were pressed together from shoulder to waist. To his brother, he said, “I can’t.” He couldn’t go back to how they were. He couldn’t even if he tried.
He pulled back and untangled his arm. Satoshi shifted and turned as he stood on shaking legs. With no one to stop him this time, Jun raced up the stairs. He locked the door to their shared bedroom and dived under the covers.
06.
He woke up hours later, hot and sweating under his blanket, and threw it off him. He didn’t remember falling asleep. The sky outside his window was still dark. When he turned to look at the empty futon, he recalled that he had locked his brother out.
Jun went downstairs to see if Satoshi slept on the couch. It was empty. The kitchen, too, was silent and bare. He checked the bathroom, closets, his parents’ room, and every corner. He couldn’t find Satoshi.
Jun ran to the door. It was unlocked. He checked the veranda and found it empty also.
He looked at the starry night sky and found its glittering darkness cold.
* *
SIXTEEN