(no subject)
if he knew anythign about me he would do somethign to cheer me up. He thinks that if he can't see me it's fine. BUt I'm in such a crappy mood and I need him here. It's not fair. he doesn't call me, he doesn't talk to me. Not like andrew did. I can't see myself with Mark in the future, it's not fair. Why will I be stuck with a drug addict in the future. why is it the one that knows me the most and the one I know I'll end up with, the one who's the worst for me. why can't mark change? why can't he be more like andrew but without the drugs? why can't I find someone perfect for me. why do I always settle for less than what I deserve. god I'm so depressed. They're taking me off my medication completely, and I don't have the guts to tell them to keep me on it, I hate everyone. the fucking doctors think they know me but they don't act as if they care. they just think I'm some kind of rebelious girl that needs chemicals to control her brain, her thoughts, her actions. I feel like such a prisioner in my own world. I wanna run away. I'm crying now. I haven't cried in a long time - well like this anyways. and my mom's really stressed abnd tells me all about it as if i'm supposed to create a miacle to make it all go away.
now I'm talking to andrew, I sent him this. Why is it I feel so comfortable talking to him?
FingerPsychology: CASSI!!!!!!!!
XSheAsphyxiatesX: hi
FingerPsychology: why the fuck are you crying
FingerPsychology: that's NOT good
XSheAsphyxiatesX: I'm so upset right now
FingerPsychology: why
FingerPsychology: whats wrong hun
XSheAsphyxiatesX: direct connect to me
XSheAsphyxiatesX: I'm writing a private journal entry
XSheAsphyxiatesX: but i want you to see it
FingerPsychology wants to directly connect.
FingerPsychology is now directly connected.
FingerPsychology: don't be sad
[HERE'S WHERE I ENTERED IN ALL THAT IS WRITTEN ABOVE}
FingerPsychology: hmmm so i'm a horrible person and a drug addict
FingerPsychology: thats like totally eww
XSheAsphyxiatesX: lol
FingerPsychology: things will work out with mark
FingerPsychology: i promise
XSheAsphyxiatesX: he doesn't know how to treat me
XSheAsphyxiatesX: he doesn't talk
XSheAsphyxiatesX: it's not fair
XSheAsphyxiatesX: why can't he be like you
XSheAsphyxiatesX: I can't talk to him liek I can talk to you
XSheAsphyxiatesX: and I miss that the most about you
XSheAsphyxiatesX: you're like my savior
XSheAsphyxiatesX: lol
FingerPsychology: :-P
FingerPsychology: can i yell at him
FingerPsychology: for yer sake
XSheAsphyxiatesX: if you want
FingerPsychology: since i know you won't
XSheAsphyxiatesX: lol
then he talked to him a bunch...but then I got this
bEnPaNcEd87: i'm sorry i've been neglecting you and i'm sorry i havn't been trying as hard as you to make this work
bEnPaNcEd87: and i'm sorry i'm not good at communicating anything
bEnPaNcEd87: but i do want us to last
bEnPaNcEd87: and i promise i'll try more
bEnPaNcEd87: i've been trying more but i guess not enough more
and now I feel so fucking guilty....you can't win....you just can't