For theatrical_muse Morning After
There were a few mornings after I could have talked about here. The morning after the Battle at Torchwood Tower, the morning I didn’t want to wake up because I knew what had happened, that almost everyone I worked with was dead or converted, or worse still as it turned out, partially converted like Lisa, I knew nothing was going to be the same but I hoped maybe it could be, eventually. Then there was the morning after Suzie died for the second time, when I woke up in Jack’s bed but not his arms. But then I decided to talk about the my most recent morning after, the morning after he left me, with no word, no goodbye.
The argument with Owen filled my head when I woke up.
“Jack needs me,“
“In your dreams Ianto, in your sad wet dreams, you’re his occasional shag maybe“
He was right and that hurt almost as much as Jack leaving did. I loved him, I needed him, needed to be needed but then he left. We thought he’d been taken at first and I was scared. He’d been dead for days, but like Gwen I never stopped hoping, never stopped praying it would be like the other times, that it wouldn’t stick, that he’d come back, and he did. He kissed me, in front of all of them and it felt good, like he was showing them I was his and he was proud of that. Everything was great for a few days and then...he disappeared. The CCTV revealed a 1950s police box and him running towards it with a smile, he went willingly without even a second thought for us, for Torchwood, for me. So Owen was right, he didn’t need me it was just about sex for him and now here I am stuck at Torchwood, making coffee and doing filing just like always. Pretending everything’s fine just like when Lisa died, none of them have any idea how I feel, how broken up I am inside. I’ve always been good at hiding my emotions and I suppose I always will be, it’s easier really. I couldn’t stand their pity, or Owen’s gloating. I wonder if he’ll come back or if he’s even thinking about me. I wonder if I’m worth coming back for, I let him down with Lisa, maybe this is my punishment. I have to admit I think I’d have preferred the bullet in the head.
I know I’ll forgive him if he does return, he’s forgiven enough of me after all, of all of us. I just hope that if does I’ll have a happier morning after to think about.