(no subject)

[bitchandjerk]

Hard to believe I'm sick again.

Title: Hooker Baby.
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen,
Rating :R
Words10,000/3,548,900
Warnings: Wincest
Summary: Ollie competes in his first pageant.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard



The Grand Sparkle Hooker Baby Supreme Winter Festival was being held at a hotel about an hour outside of Westport. It was a little low rent for Dean's standards, but the lobby was tidy, the bathrooms were clean, and there was a lot of hot toddler ass strolling around according to Ollie. He saw two girls he whistled at in the parking lot and then three more while they were checking in. He liked a blonde girl, a brunette, and he even whistled at Mary before she shook her head and hid behind Evan.

Dean couldn't actually comment on any girls under the age of eighteen because he didn't want to be creepy, but he sure as hell could comment on the moms. The kids were decked out in jeweled gowns with tons of makeup and fake hair while the moms looked like they had been ridden hard and put up wet. Dean didn't see one woman who could even remotely pass for sort of attractive. They were just hot damn messes and half of them were dressed like they were getting ready to pump gas. Dean on the other hand had put on a nice suit, Sam had worn the same and the rest of the kids were dressed up because it was a special occasion.

After Ollie was all checked in Sam took the rest of the kids into the main showroom while Dean scoped out a secluded back hallway where he could get in some last minute practice. Ollie was ready to strut his stuff in formal wear, he was going to dance around for his talent, but he was still having a little trouble with his western wear. All he had to do was walk out, pretend to shoot the judges in the face with his finger guns and then scowl like Clint Eastwood, but Ollie wasn't into it mostly because he didn't like the poncho Dean thought made the whole outfit.

"Now bang bang!" Dean smiled. "You're a nasty boy! Give me sexy hands!"

"Bang bang!"

"Fingerbang daddy!"

"Bang!"

"Remember your sexy feet. I want those feet to be much sexier! Pretend like you're daddy!"

"Fingerband in da butt!"

"Huh." Dean whispered. "Okay, let's try it with your poncho."

"No, daddy! I hate it!"

"Baby." Dean said as he picked the poncho up. "If you don't want the poncho you don't have to use it, but I'll have to hit you in the face, okay?"

"Wha!"

"I guess you don't love me. I thought you loved me."

"Do a look stupid?" Ollie asked as he narrowed his eyes. "Huh? Is a wha you think!"

"I will slap you in the face!"

"Then do da damned thing!"

"I will! Jeremy said it's perfectly legal as long as I don't leave a mark!"

"Go ahead!"

Dean went to raise his finger as a threat but before he got a chance Ollie slapped his clear across the face before hurling the poncho to the ground and stomping on it. Ollie had little midget hands, but he had slapped Dean with such intensity that he actually had to turn away to hide his watering eyes. When he looked back Ollie was making a scrunched up rat face like Milo which was never a good sign.

"You struck me!"

"A won't let your poncho come between me and a gwand supweme title!"

"What?"

"A gwand supweme!"

"Baby." Dean said as he shook his head. "You're going for Little Mr. Handsome. Grand Supreme is for the girls and…"

"Gwand Supweme is for a individuals wit the highest numbahs. Mikey wead all the wules to me when I wake him up last night. Wha a gwumpy!"

"Oh…"

"Individuals, daddy, that means boys or girls, or pigs, not cats, but maybe grandpa? When a have my crown, daddy…oh, daddy…"

Ollie sighed dreamily and then looked suspiciously close to having his very first big boy moment. Dean actually got a little nervous and prepared to catch him, but Ollie remained professional and stayed upright. In fairness to Mikey and Ollie, Dean had only glanced over the rulebook, but he was almost positive that little boys won the boy titles and the girls, which there were a lot more of, won the big title and the big crown with the big prize.

Just to be on the safe side Dean wanted to check the rule book himself which unfortunately he didn't have with him. It was with Sam who had staked out two rows of chairs right next to the stage and then got comfortable with his phone. Buster was on the ground between his feet with a blanket over his car seat, the twins were running around and yelling with Mikey and Mary and Milo were practicing sexy poses with each other. Sam was sort of oblivious to everything except his phone which just made Dean want to punch him in the nose.

"Sammy! Why are you letting them run around like that!"

"Oh! Look at this! Jared sent me a video of Dallas and Austin peeing on each other. Just like Ethan and Evan used to…and us…last night."

"They sent it to me too, I haven't had a chance to look at it yet. Why is Buster covered up?"

"Because as soon as I walked in three of those bitches over there whipped out their cameras."

"They a bitch, mommy!"

"Milo!"

"Daddy say!"

"Did you call them bitches?" Dean whispered. "Really?"

"Better then the four letter c-word they really are." Sam smiled. "How are you doing, baby?"

"Good. Tell daddy that a can win a Gwand Supweme."

"Sounds like a cinnamon roll from a can!"

"Ollie wants to win that big crown over there."

"Can a go see it, daddy?"

"Of course you can." Dean smiled. "But don't touch."

"Okay, daddy."

"Do you have the rule book, Sammy?"

"Somewhere. I know I put it in the bag."

While Sam looked for the book Dean kept one eye on Ollie and the babies who had all gone over to inspect the crowns. Milo tried to grab all of them at once, but Ollie put a stop to that and Mary seemed enamored with the smaller tiaras which Dean thought would be a nice little accessory for her to play with. Ollie only had eyes for the crown that was bigger than him and the trophy that was bigger than Sam. Whether or not he'd even be able to win it remained to be seen but Dean knew he'd do his absolutely best.

Since Sam's bag was pretty full Dean had a moment to check his phone and watch the message Jared had sent. In the video Jensen was doing his best to change two diapers at the same time and he had Austin and Dallas completely naked on the bed without anything underneath them. As soon as he turned to grab a diaper Austin began to pee and then Dallas followed suit. Instead of helping Jared just laughed while Jensen totally freaked out and tried to stop two impressive pee pee streams at once which just made a bigger mess.

Jared and Jensen were actually doing pretty good with the whole baby thing. Dean had driven them home just a few days ago and since then he had only received one panicked phone call because Austin was, according to Jensen, looking at him funny. Maria said it was nothing and Jared agreed and after a heaping helping of anti-anxiety meds Jensen calmed down and took a much needed nap. Jared was actually doing so well with the babies that Dean was almost impressed. He would have been actually impressed but it was Jared so he couldn't get too excited.

"Here we go." Sam said. "The individual with the highest score wins the Grand Supreme title."

"That's not fair. The boys don't do swimwear."

"It's the average of talent, formal wear, western wear, presentation, personality, beauty, smile, eyes, and swimwear for the girls."

"Huh."

"And apparently each judge can award an extra point per category"

"That's the extra Ollie point."

"I guess." Sam said. "He's going to feel bad if he doesn't win the crown. Go show the judges your dick."

"Sammy!"

"You think we should make dad do it?"

"Uh…"

"Aaron could." Sam whispered. "His cock is gorgeous. Do you think he's veinier than me?"

"What if we let Ollie win without showing anyone our dicks?"

"What you just said made no sense." Sam said. "And what if he doesn't win?"

Dean bit on his bottom lip and wished he had done a little bit of manscaping before they left the house. Ollie, some days, had a bit too much personality. He was undeniably adorably, incredibly intelligent and Dean was pretty sure he was a lot more talented than the rest of the three year olds he'd be competing against. Still there was a nagging fear in the back of his mind that one of the other kids just might be better. For the big title Ollie would be competing against kids twice his age, some of which had actual talents. Dean hadn't been worried, but all of a sudden he was getting there.

"I think we rigged the fair."

"Well, that wasn't a fair fight." Sam said as he peeked in on Buster. "This is. He could easily win."

"Or lose."

"He's not going to go home empty handed. No one does. Everyone at least gets a trophy."

"I'm nervous."

"Go pee pee." Sam whispered. "Go ahead."

"I don't have to pee pee."

"You're dancing. Go pee. It'll be fine. I promise."

Dean danced back and forth for another few seconds and then peered under the blanket so he could check on Buster too. He was sound asleep with his pacifier in his mouth and his looked perfectly content. Dean really wanted to pick him up and snuggle with him but he settled for a kiss before rushing to the bathroom because as always Sam was absolutely right. He did have to pee, or at least he was going to since it always made him feel a little less nervous. Even though the bathroom was empty Dean went into one of the stalls, unzipped, and willed all the nervousness out of his system.

The little habit he had picked up after becoming a father partially worked, but as he shook out the last few drops he was still worried. He was worried about Ollie not getting what he wanted and he actually had a feeling that something was going to go wrong. Dean didn't like when he had hunches because most of the time they were dead on. In the bathroom he proved himself right again because when he exited the stall to wash his hands and splash some cold water on his face he saw that he had company.

At first Dean assumed that another pageant dad was in their with his adorable pageant son, but then he got a good look at the baby and then the father, or who he was really hoping was the father. The baby was probably fourteen months, plump as a pumpkin with bright clear gray eyes, pale white skin, and a full head of wavy wheat colored hair. Dean wasn't going to say anything out loud but off the record it was the cutest baby he had ever seen and he spent at least six hours a day staring at Buster. The father was also cute as a button, but Dean had sort of gotten used to that over time.

"Cooper."

"Dean."

"Uh…Where'd you get that baby from?"

"I took him." Cooper said confidently. "From the hospital."

"Oh, Jesus." Dean whispered. "When?"

"When his mother died. Do you think he looks like me?"

"Um…yes, he's adorable…what's his name?"

"I call him Bubble, because he's so very fat."

Cooper had the baby sitting on the counter and when he laughed Dean felt like someone with tickling his soul with a very long feather. More than anything else in the world Cooper wanted Sam to as friend, in order for that to happen he had been forbidden from having anymore children since his children were the result of rape that led to the death of their mothers. Bubble, which was the best name ever, had obviously been born before Sam and Cooper came to their arrangement, but Dean had never heard a single thing about him and he sure as hell had never met the baby because it was something he surely would have remembered.

"Hi, Bubble."

"Say hello to Mr. Dean."

"Hello."

"Oh, shit." Dean whispered. "He talks?"

"Yes, he enjoys talking and running about and chasing frogs and being thrown into the river…"

"How…how old is he?"

"He will be ten months old very soon."

"Huh…"

"I need you to watch him until I return. He'll eat anything you give him and if he needs to relieve himself you should take him outside."

"Wait a minute, outside like a dog?"

"He's very well behaved, but if he gives you a problem just throw him in the river or up in a tree. He almost always comes back. If I die one of his brothers will come for him or you can keep him if you like."

"Stop talking!"

"Would you like to play, Bubble?"

"Yes."

"Go on then." Cooper said as he set Bubble on the floor. "Stay out of the toilets. They're filthy!"

"Filthy! Dirty! Daddy!"

"That's right!"

Dean watched in utter amazement as Bubble walked around with the same mobility that Mary and Milo had. He checked out the pipes under the counter and tapped on them a little before inspecting a wall for a good thirty seconds and giving it several hard thwacks which really entertained him all while Cooper stood by with a proud smile on his face. Dean was completely confused and he had at least fifty questions, but one seemed more pressing than the rest.

"Why would you die?"

"Oh." Cooper said. "Tonight Bubble's brothers and I are planning an assault on the collection of artifacts in Paris to procure the staff. It shouldn't be a problem, but I thought it best that he be taken care of."

"Cooper, I don't want you to get hurt."

"I won't, but if I do I don't want him to be left alone. He's my baby."

"If any of you are in danger you get out of there, you understand?"

"Of course."

"Okay." Dean sighed. "We'll keep an eye on him."

"There are several things this man has that don't belong to him. He's away on business, we intend on taking everything we can."

"What do you mean they don't belong to him?"

"He's human. These are magical objects. These are things that belong to my family, to your family."

"Are there weapons?"

"Innumerable. I have my eye on a special one for you."

"That sounds promising."

"Bubble. You're to respect Mr. Dean. And what do you stay away from?"

"Fire." Bubble said quietly. "Away from the fire."

"Good boy!" Cooper said before whispering. "He enjoys sugar."

Without saying another word or giving any further instruction Cooper disappeared leaving Bubble alone in the bathroom. Dean actually expected the kid to freak out and start crying, but instead he walked over and hugged his leg. Dean immediately picked him up and got the sweetest hug ever and a little kiss on the cheek. Cooper had obviously planned ahead because Bubble was dressed like a normal little boy except that his shirt was on backwards, his pants were way too big and he had on two different shoes. Dean still considered that normal and he considered himself lucky that he didn't have to explain a kid wearing only a fig leaf that was covered in caked on mud.

After several big boy breaths Dean exited the bathroom and went back into the showroom where families were continuing to flow in. Sam had his head turned the other way wagging his finger at Milo who was making a scrunched at rat face at everyone he saw so Dean just sat down nice and normal like because after all everything was nice and normal. He was pretty sure he could just keep Bubble on his lap for the next few hours and Sam wouldn't notice anything, but of course like most of his schemes it didn't go according to plan.

"Milo and Mary are so cute playing to…Oh, my God!"

"What?" Dean asked. "What is it?"

"Where did you get that baby from! Did you get it for me!"

"Uh…Yes. I adopted him for us."

"He's precious!" Sam said as he took Bubble. "Hello, Theodore!"

"Hello, Sammy." Bubble said quietly. "Nice and pretty Sammy."

"Ahh! It talks! Kill it with fire!"

"Lower your voice!" Dean whispered. "He's Cooper's kid. He asked us to babysit."

"He talks!"

"He's a little different. His name is Bubble and he likes to be thrown into trees or rivers."

"Uh…" Sam said quietly. "Best name ever."

"Right!"

"And where is Cooper?"

"Some sort of fairy business I guess. He needed everyone to go and there was no one to watch Bubble."

"He just left him? He doesn't even have a diaper on."

"Yeah, he's like a bear, we'll just take him out back when he needs to go."

"Or we put on one of Milo's emergency diapers."

"That could work too. Isn't he cute?"

"He's precious and he smells like vanilla beans. Do you want to come live with me, Theodore Andrew Winchester?"

"Yes." Bubble nodded. "Okay."

"It's a deal then! Cooper really didn't say where he was going?"

"Nope." Dean lied. "He didn't."

"That's weird. I hope he's okay."

"Me too, Sammy. Me too."

Dean felt terrible for lying to Sam, but he had to remind himself that in the long run it would all be worth it. If all went according to plan Cooper would return with the staff and a bunch of other goodies that might prove helpful in getting Abel back. It had been a couple of days since Sam mentioned him, but Dean knew he was still on his mind. Dean knew he was going to be in a lot of trouble when Sam found out what was really going on, but like most husbands who were sneaking around he chose to ignore that little inevitability. Instead he just took a deep breath, checked on Buster, and then looked around to make sure the rest of the kids were behaving themselves, which of course they were.

"Bye-bye now." Bubble said as he stopped hugging Sam. "Things."

"What kind of things?" Sam asked. "Where are you going?"

"Play."

"Oh…well, stay close!"

"Okay!"

"And uh…" Sam said as he leaned down. "Don't talk too much."

"And steer clear of that red head. He's territorial."

"Bye-bye!"

Bubble slipped off of Sam's lap, fell to the floor, nearly knocked his head on the chair next to him and then headed directly for Milo before Dean could make sure he was okay. Mary and Milo were still hanging out with Ollie and of course Bubble went right for them most likely due to all the sparkly crowns. Ollie noticed him first but didn't pay him much mind, Milo however was nothing like his big brother. He left Ollie to fend for himself and he protectively positioned himself in front of Mary who was looking extremely curious when she noticed Bubble approaching. Milo had his arms out and everything which was sweet as could be especially considering Mary could kick his ass around the block and back again.

"Who are you!"

"Bubble."

"Why?" Milo demanded. "Tell me why!"

"Fat." Bubble said as he touched his stomach. "Hi."

"Watching you, boy." Milo said as he pointed at his eyes. "Got eyes on you, boy."

"You be nice." Mary said as she stepped in front of Milo and offered her hand. "Mary."

"Bubble!"

"Pleasure!"

Dean was expecting a handshake but Bubble actually took Mary's hand and gave it a kiss while he bowed. Of course he then promptly fell over and started laughing again while Milo stood guard and accessed the situation, but Mary seemed quite taken with the dashing newcomer. She was smiling and blushing even though Milo was repeatedly telling her to calm down while pointing at his eyes. The whole thing was just adorable and Dean was really hoping that they could talk Cooper into a couple of future play dates with his positively precious son.

When Ollie asked for advice on the pageant Sam had given him what he thought were very appropriate words of wisdom. He told him to be himself, smile big, and use his God given talents to win the whole damned thing. Sam thought that was really excellent advice and apparently so did Ollie since he did exactly what his daddy had told him to. When he stepped up on the stage he was as confident as ever, he had a big smile on his handsome face, and he used his talents, all of them, even the one that didn't come from any God unless you counted Dean which Sam sort of did.

When Ollie strutted his stuff in his Western wear Sam felt a wave of giddiness sweep over him. At first he thought that he was just proud of his fat baby boy for doing such a good job, but then Sam looked over and saw that everyone in the audience appeared to be having simulations strokes. The men, women, and children were all staring with open mouths and wide ecstatic eyes. Ollie was cute, but it was obvious that he was manipulating the audience the same way he had manipulated everyone in South Carolina to participate in a big low country musical last Summer. Sam was immediately worried, but then he noticed Mikey nodding at Ollie who gave him a little flirty wink in response that made the entire audience swoon.

"Mikey!"

"Shh!" Mikey hissed back. "Shut your cake hole!"

"Did you tell him to…" Sam said before he paused. "Cheat?"

"How is he cheating?" Mikey asked. "He doesn't have fake hair, teeth, or a tan. He's just up there being himself and if he wins by being himself then so be it."

"He's manipulating the judges!"

"I don't see how that's my fault. Perhaps he learned manipulation from someone who can sell a billion dollars worth of books just by taking pictures in his underwear."

"Oh! You are grounded until time stops!"

"I told you to shut your cake hole, daddy."

"Oh!" Sam said again. "Dean, your…Dean?"

"Shh, daddy!" Evan whispered. "He's over there."

Just a few seconds ago Dean had been sitting one chair over from Sam. Now he was up out of his seat and standing stage right in front of a group of moms with video cameras. Sam was worried about Ollie getting his mojo on, but he was horrified when he saw Dean mimicking the entire western wear routine. When Ollie shot his finger guns Dean the same. When Ollie twirled on his heels and smiled at the crowd Dean did the same and because they looked so much alike it was like watching someone perform in front of a weird time warped mirror. It was just plain creepy and Sam wasn't taking into account how gracefully Dean was twirling and winking.

"How embarrassing." Anthony said as he leaned forward. "Your wife is going to be all over YouTube in like four minutes."

"No one is going to put that on YouTube…oh, crap! You sent Bruce over there?"

"Yeah, see, that's what a husband that's not a total embarrassment looks like."

"Shut up!"

"He's sexier than your wife."

"Not even!"

"Daddy!" Evan whispered again. "That's enough!"

"Sorry."

Sam was just about to be totally and completely mortified beyond repair when Ollie's music stopped and his number was over. Dean waved to the audience and Ollie did the same before they both walked away from the thunderous applause, applause like none of the other children had heard or would likely ever hear. Ideally Sam would have liked for Ollie to win without using any supernatural advantages, but Mikey, even though he was a smart ass, had a point. Ollie wasn't really "cheating" anymore than the rest of the kids were. He at least had his own teeth, skin tone, and hair so it could have been a lot worse. Sam was even okay with the idea of manipulating people if it gave you an edge in competition. Mikey was right again, because Sam had an awful lot of fans who wouldn't have given two shits whether or not he could actually write.

"Did a see me, daddy!"

"No!" Sam said as he shook his head. "There was some little sexy beast on the stage and I missed it."

"Was me!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Well!" Sam said as he scooped Ollie up. "If that really was you then you were the best I've ever seen in my entire life."

"Better than daddy?"

"Better than daddy and Jensen wrestling in a pool full of pies."

"Wow!" Ollie whispered. "And Bustah?"

"I woke him up to see you and he was so impressed he fell right back asleep!"

"Wow! I gotta go change, but lemme see Bustah first."

Sam nodded and then put Ollie on the ground so he could check in on Buster who was still all cozy, warm, and sleepy. In a little bit he was going to need something to eat and then a diaper change but before that happened Sam was just fine with letting him sleep. Ollie had taken a real interest in his littlest little brother most likely because there were actually some babies younger than Buster participating in the pageant. One was even two weeks old which made Sam want to call child protective services. Ollie seemed to think that once he took the pageant world by storm he could teach all his tricks to Buster since Milo was a jerk and Mary, as a girl, had no place in pageants.

"Okay, daddy, time for formal wear."

"We have a few minutes." Dean smiled. "How's Theodore?"

"I changed his name to Barnaby."

"Well, how's he doing?"

"He's been doing that since you left. I gave him some graham crackers and milk and he gave me a kiss."

"Aww!"

"A can't believe you bought a new baby." Ollie said as he shook his head. "And a bwoken one at that."

Sam really tried not to laugh, but he couldn't help it since pretty much everyone in the family had asked what the hell was wrong with Bubble. For the past hour or so he had been lying on the floor staring up at the seat of one of the chairs and having a grand conversation with himself. Sam hadn't really caught any proper words, but apparently Bubble had put off the conversation with the chair for long enough. He was exasperated, animated, happy, and maybe even a little judgmental. Mary and Milo had both checked out the chair, but lost interest when they realized it was just a chair. When Sam offered a snack Bubble took it happily and then went right back to his very important meeting.

"Dean, I'm worried about Cooper."

"Why?"

"Because we've known him for well over a year and every time we mention a baby sitter he tells us to leave the kids in a tree."

"That's how he rolls."

"So why didn't he just leave Bubble in a tree?"

"Maybe." Dean said before taking a long pause. "We're a good influence on him."

"Dean…"

"Ollie, let's go get changed, baby."

"A talking, daddy! Gimme a minute."

Ollie was talking with the rest of the kids and getting his much deserved congratulations. Ethan, even though he thought the pageant was for babies, was particularly full of praise and constructive critique like making sure Ollie always had sexy hands. Given the source Ollie was understandable skeptical, but once Ethan showed him what he was talking about it all made sense. Ollie took Ethan's words of wisdom under advisement and politely thanked him for his contributions, but not until he glared the hell out of him and scanned for any teeny tiny bit of sarcasm or treachery since it was well known that big brothers were bastard ass liars. Sam personally went out of his way to lie to Jeremy and Aaron as often as possible and apparently it was something Dean practiced as well.

"Aaron?"

"Yeah?"

"I love that sweater you're wearing."

"Thanks! I got it from Old Navy on sale!"

"Of course you did." Sam smiled. "Watch the kids for me?"

"No problem, big brother!"

"What about my sweater?" Jeremy asked. "It's a turtleneck if you haven't noticed."

"I did and it in no way makes you look like a botched circumcision. Dean? Come with me. Ollie, grandpa will get you ready."

"Okay, daddy!"

While it was perfect acceptable to lie to your little brother as often as possible, it absolutely was not okay for Dean to lie to Sam under any circumstances. Dean knew exactly what he was getting into when they got married and Sam wasn't going to cut him any slack when it came to the rules. Somehow Dean managed to break two of them in one day because he was lying about Cooper and when Sam stood he stayed seated and cowered. Sam gave him two seconds to stand up on his own and when he didn't he pried him up by his ear causing Dean to squeal like an injured giraffe.

"Ow!"

"Lying!" Sam whispered as they walked away. "How deceitful!"

"What am I lying about?"

"You know where Cooper is and what he's doing."

"No, I don't."

"Look me in the eyes and say that." Sam said as he squinted. "Go on. If you're telling the truth I'll drink a big bottle of water and then we can take a shower together."

"Re…really?"

"Anywhere you want, baby."

"Anywhere…"

Sam nodded as seductively as he could and then resumed squinting. Dean could lie to just about anyone without a problem, but he had a real problem maintaining eye contact while doing so. In fact last December he nearly blinded himself while trying to explain to Mikey why Santa was absolutely real and when John decided to try cargo pants Dean faked allergies for an entire week just so he could wear sunglasses all the time. For a second it seemed like Dean might jam his thumbs in his eyes, but instead he blinked a few times and locked eyes with Sam before he spoke.

"I really have no idea where Cooper is. He asked me to watch Bubble and I said yes because I didn't want the kid to be left alone."

"You swear?"

"I swear, Sammy. I'm sure everything is okay."

Sam was just about to smack Dean across the ruggedly handsome face, but then he noticed something he honestly wasn't expecting. Dean maintained eye contact, he didn't activate his eye wrinkly distraction, and he sure as hell didn't make any noises like a lost baby dinosaur. He was telling the truth which of course meant that Sam's powers of deduction were slipping in his old age and he might never have an excuse to publicly slap Dean again.

"Huh."

"I'm telling the truth!"

"I know you are." Sam said before he frowned. "I'm sorry for doubting you."

"It's okay. You can make it up to me with water sports."

"Fine. You're not worried about Cooper at all?"

"He's with like forty other people. He's probably just having some kind of meeting."

"Okay, well, if you're not worried, I'm not."

"Good! Let's go win this hooker baby festival."

"Oh, he's cheating." Sam whispered. "He's totally cheating."

"Baby, if you consider that cheating then you're never allowed to take your shirt or pants off again outside of our bedroom."

"And what exactly does that mean?"

"It means you're a wonderful writer, the best of your generation."

"Thank you!"

"And you're also a hot piece of ass with a painfully thick dick."

"Huh…"

"Come on." Dean smiled. "We keep talking about that ass and we're not going to make it to the shower tonight."

Sam giggled like a little girl and then blushed when Dean pinched him right on the hiney. When they made it back to their seats in the audience Ollie was already off getting dressed with John, Bubble was still talking to the chair, and the rest of the kids were behaving themselves and talking quietly to Jeremy and Aaron. Dean made sure they were having fun before he sat down himself and then expertly extracted Buster from his car seat. Sam had sort of kept him covered up, which Buster was fine with, but he was obviously much happier when he realized who was holding him.

"Hello, gorgeous. Does daddy have you covered up like a stinky cheese?"

"I don't want people taking pictures of him. I don't care if he is the most handsome baby in the world."

"I have a bottle for you! Who's a hungry man!"

"He is so precious." Sam sighed. "And he's a good boy."

"Just like his daddy."

"Mmhmm."

"Hey." Dean said. "You could do worse."

"I suppose I could. Just promise me you'll knock off the stage dad dancing from now on?"

"Fine." Dean said before rolling his eyes. "Here we go for hungry man! He's a hungry man!"

The rest of the pageant went almost exactly as Sam expected. All the kids participating did their thing and Ollie did his thing, which was at least ten thousand times better than anyone else regardless of the mojo involved. When he walked in his formal wear he was downright dapper and when he danced for his talent he didn't look like a total spaz of a terrified robot which was apparently a major pageant theme judging by the number of petrified little girls Sam saw walk across the stage. Ollie was downright transcendent and Sam was very proud of him.

When it came time for the judging Ollie was back in his formal wear and waiting patiently on Dean's lap while he scoped out the "competition" The last time Sam had been so nervous was for the Oscars, but Dean was handling the pressure just fine. He was holding Ollie's hands extra tight and when they first called his name he jumped nearly three feet in the air before sitting back down and regaining his composure. The first crown Ollie snatched was for the coveted Little Mr. Handsome, then he scooped up Best Personality, Best Smile, Prettiest eyes, Western Wear, and overall presentation. The only thing he didn't win was formal wear and swimwear both of which went to a precious little girl who looked like she was thirty-two.

"Wow!"

"You like that baby?" Sam asked Milo. "That's your big brother."

"Look at Owly, daddy!" Milo nodded seriously. "Pretty sexy!"

"Agreed."

"Look at your brother!" Dean yelled as he picked up Buster. "Watch him snatch the crown from that little Skipper doll!"

"Dean!"

Ollie was on the stage and covered with crowns, trophies, and sashes when the woman announcing held up the envelope for the winner of Ollie's division. Sam could barely breath and he was squeezing the life out of Milo while they waited to hear Ollie's name, but the woman didn't call it. She announced the name of the little blonde girl and then presented her with a gigantic crown and a trophy that was about as tall as Sam. Ollie looked positively crushed and Sam was too because he wanted all his children to be happy and his fat baby boy was anything but, even with all the crowns and trophies he had accumulated.

"What happen, daddy?"

"That little girl won."

"A girl!" Milo scoffed. "Maywee?"

"No, another little girl. Ollie still did very good and…"

"Which means our new Grand Sparkle Winter Festival Supreme winner is…Oliver Winchester!"

"Ahhhhhhh!" Dean screamed as he jumped to his feet. "Everybody else can suck it! My kid kicked your asses!"

"Wait, daddy!" Milo said before pointing to the stage. "Owly win!"

"Huh?"

"Suck it!" Dean screamed. "Suckkkkkkkkkkkkk ittttttt!"

Before Sam even knew what was going on Dean had handed Buster to him and then sprinted towards the stage. That was when Sam saw the biggest of the big crowns and the most massive of the trophies being presented to Ollie who had a ten mile wide smile on his cute little face. Apparently, according to Mikey there was a winner for each division who then became ineligible for the supreme title. If Ollie had won his division he wouldn't have been able to win the title he really wanted so everything had worked out for the best, and if they were lucky no one was going to arrest Dean for redefining what obnoxious meant.

He was up on the stage alternately jumping into the air and hugging Ollie who was holding a bouquet of red roses as big as he was. Someone, an older contestant, Sam assumed was holding the big crown over his head and trying not to laugh at Dean who was hooting and hollering so loudly that people two states over probably heard him. Sam was tempted to intervene, but he stayed where he was sitting with Buster in his arms, while Dean, John, Jeremy, and Aaron all helped clear Ollie's winnings off the stage. The guys got the crowns, trophies, and flowers, but Ollie was smart and held on to ten crisp hundred dollar bills which he quite proudly showed off when he finally made his way over.

"Did you see, daddy!"

"I did!" Sam said as he leaned down. "Give me a kiss, you were spectacular!"

"Mwah! Did a call Oinkers?"

"I did! He said he's very proud of you and so am I!"

"Look at a money." Ollie said as he fanned himself. "You ever seen so much moneys?"

"Nope." Sam laughed. "I guess you're buying dinner tonight."

"Pizza." Ollie nodded. "And then, daddy, then can we go shopping for presents?"

"For who?"

"Everybody!"

"That's very sweet. We can absolutely buy presents for whoever you want and…"

"You can suck it! You can suck it! I know you'd love sucking it so you can suck it! Don't look at me like that with your lopsided boobs, bitch. Don't think I didn't see you trying to take pictures of my baby!"

"Dean!"

Despite the protests, Dean told pretty much everyone, Carol included that they could suck it. The rest of the kids were just kind of staring at him where he personified the most ungracious winner ever. Sam was a little embarrassed, but Ollie was as pleased as punch. He had a very satisfied grin on his face that just got wider when Dean scooped him up and did a victory lap around the audience. A few of the parents were obviously offended, but the majority seemed to realize that Dean was just a very proud daddy and that no one was ever going to win when they were going up against a Winchester.

Ollie had a pretty big bedroom, all the kids did. They weren't ridiculously huge, but they were a lot bigger than any room Dean had when he was growing up. Ollie's big boy bed was on one wall with matching nightstands on either side where he kept a sippy cup for water, a picture of Oinkers, and his stuffed Ollie doll from the movie. Directly across from the bed Ollie has a little desk where he liked to do his homework from Alex which was always just simple coloring activities. He had bookcases, a toy chest, and shelves filled with all of his stuffed animal and in a very special corner diagonal from the door he had the spoils of war.

The corner curio wasn't very large, but it did hold Ollie's previous crown, sash, and Oinker's ribbon from the fair. It had been looking a little sparse but that was before Dean put in all the new crowns, trophies, and sashes. The big trophy, which stood at six feet tall wouldn't fit inside the curio but there was room for it right next to the closet. The curio was illuminated and Ollie insisted on leaving the light on so he could fall asleep looking at all the shiny rhinestones in his crowns.

He was so tired from his big day that his ass wasn't in the air and he was snoring quite loudly. Dean thought that was just precious, but what was even cuter was that Ollie managed to sweet talk Sam after his big win and Oinkers was sleeping in the bed as well. He was snuggled up under Ollie's arm and they were sharing a pillow. When the pig came home Sam insisted he was a strictly outside animal, but after a little bit of pouting and a thorough bath daddy Sammy had given in though he was quite clear that it was a special one time only event.

"Dean."

"Oh, shit." Dean whispered as he spun around. "You scared the hell out of me."

"Your things are in the kitchen. I've collected Bubble and we'll be leaving now. Everyone is fine, no one was harmed, thank you for watching Bubble for me."

"Wait a minute…."

"I have to leave immediately."

"Why?"

"I was told to." Cooper said quietly. "Thank you."

"Who said you…"

Before Dean could get out another word Cooper was gone. Dean was immediately worried because everyone in the house, Sam included, was sleeping and Cooper had just been suspiciously coherent. That was never a good sign so Dean went back to the master bedroom right away to make sure everything was okay. Buster and Sam were still sleeping, but Bubble was missing from the bed. They had let him sleep there so Cooper wouldn't wake up any of the other kids when he came back. He had fallen asleep snuggling with Sam, but somehow Cooper had managed to extract him without waking anyone.

After grabbing one of the concealed weapons on top of the armoire in the bedroom Dean crept down the stairs and tried to remain calm. The alarm was set, it had been for a while, so if someone came into the house they got in the same way Cooper did by simply appearing. That made Dean even more anxious, but it was nothing compared to how he felt when he made it into the kitchen. On the counter was the top fragment of the staff that Cooper had promised as well as a primitive looking weapon that at first glance appeared to be made out of sharp teeth. Dean would have inspected it closer, but he was more concerned with his company.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Not quite the reaction I was hoping for, Dean."

"Fine." Dean said as he put down his knife and smiled. "What the heaven are you doing here?"

"Clever."

Dean crossed the kitchen and extended his hand, but Gabe didn't shake it. He pulled him into a hug that was so tight Dean actually squealed very quietly. Gabe looked exactly the same but he was no longer wearing his old crumpled suit and trench coat. Instead he was dressed in a really nice looking black suit with a matching tie. He looked downright dapper and smelled amazing. Dean considered complimenting him before he realized Gabe probably wasn't making a social call.

"Lemme go wake Sammy up. He'll be so happy you're here."

"No." Gabe said as he shook his head. "I don't want to see Sam."

"Why not?"

"Seeing you is hard enough. Tell me, how's Buster?"

"Perfect." Dean beamed. "In every possibly way."

"And everyone else?"

"We're good. Don't you already know that?"

"It'd be impolite not to ask."

"What about you? How's the promotion going?"

"It's going well." Gabe said before he paused. "As well as can be expected given the circumstances."

"Yeah."

Dean felt a little awkward about talking to Gabe while Sam was upstairs peacefully sleeping. Gabe's name hadn't come up much, not nearly as often as Abel's did, but Dean knew Sam missed him just a much, he just didn't want to talk about him because it hurt. Dean really wanted to wake Sam up, but then he knew no contact was probably for the best. If Sam came down and spent any time with Gabe it would be like opening up a wound that had finally begun to heal. Dean didn't want that so he stayed where he was and tried to not look at awkward as he felt.

"Today you placed Cooper and his entire family at tremendous risk. To make matters worse you took advantage of his allegiance to Sam and your family which quite frankly makes me extremely disappointed in you."

"Excuse me?" Dean asked. "Are you here to chastise me?"

"You're allowing your feelings for Sam take you to places you won't be able to come back from, Dean. How would you have felt if Cooper lost one of his children under the guise of 'surprising Sam'?"

"I told him to bolt if there was any danger."

"And I'm sure he planned on listening to you after you were so insistent on telling him it was all for Sam."

"You're starting to sound a little like my dad."

"Shall I fetch him?" Gabe asked. "I'd love to hear his opinion on opening up a gate to the worst hell imaginable to save a demon which will also unleash creatures so vile and dangerous you're unable to comprehend them."

"I get it, Gabe."

"No, you don't. Sam will grieve, he'll miss Abel, but he'll get over it. The only reason he's grieving like he is is because Abel saved you. The only reason you want Abel back is so you can be Sam's hero yet again."

"That's not…"

"Abel is in a place worse than anything you can imagine. Long after your sun collapses and takes this planet with it he'll still be in endless agony. I'm sorry about that because he really doesn't deserve it, but everyone else there does."

"Why can't you just get him out?"

"Because there's no telling what will come out with him."

"You're God." Dean laughed. "I don't understand why you can't just pull him out and kill whatever comes out with him."

"Well, Dean, unfortunately you and your family aren't the only people in the world who matter."

Dean scoffed, or at least he did something that sounded like a scoff. He was incredibly offended by Gabe's statement because no one in the family ever pretended like they deserved special treatment except for maybe Milo and he was just a short little nerd. Dean never pretended like he deserved more and neither did Sam. In fact nothing would have made Sam happier than if they were just a normal family like everyone else, but they weren't. They were the type of family who killed the devil, stopped horrible monsters from destroying the world, and went head to head with God. Maybe that wasn't enough to warrant special treatment, but Dean sure as hell thought a little consideration now and then would have been nice.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"That I'm not willing to risk even one life to save Abel."

"Not even for Sam?"

"No."

"So then you're here to stop me from doing anything?"

"No." Gabe said again. "You're an adult capable of making your own choices and I hope you make the right one."

"What's the right choice to make?"

"You let this go. Obtaining the other half of the staff is going to prove near impossible without Sam at his strongest and even then it's probably not enough and I think you'll have trouble convincing Porter and Jenny to risk their lives for the off chance you'll rescue Abel."

"Cooper said Charlie could find it."

"He could." Gabe said. "In fact I'll tell you right now it's on the other side of the world buried hundreds of miles beneath a mountain. Finding it isn't the problem, getting it is what's impossible."

"And you won't help us out?"

"Dean, you'll never fully realize how much I have done for your family."

Gabe had apparently come on down just to discourage Dean from going any further with his plan and he had done a very good job. As much as it sucked to admit it Dean's reasons for wanting Abel back had very little to do with how he felt. He felt guilty that someone had died to save him, but Abel was still a demon, brother or not. He had done unspeakable things and caused their family more harm than anyone else. Still Sam wanted him back and Dean really did want to be the hero which was partially Gabe's fault. It he wasn't all high and powerful Dean wouldn't have felt so tiny and useless in comparison. At the end of the day Sam was always going to chose him, that was obvious, but Dean was still hanging onto the idea of being the big hero, a role Gabe obviously didn't want.

"You think of me as competition?" Gabe asked. "Are you that insecure after all these years?"

"You can't get inside my head like that. It's not fair."

"Sorry, Dean. It comes with the job. I'm not Auden. No matter what happens there will never be anything between Sam and I. I care about you too much."

"I know you do." Dean sighed. "So, are you taking this stuff back?"

"No. This is your choice to make. It won't end well, but I'm not going to take away your free will."

"Okay." Dean said as he looked over at the counter. "What's with the weapon?"

"That is something you'll hopefully never have to use."

The weapon, which Dean thought looked a little like a scythe was quite obviously primitive. It had to be a few thousand years old and maybe even older than that. The handle was long and made of a dark worn wood that almost seemed to gleam. The scythe had a proper curved blade fashioned out of a dark metal, but there were teeth or bones imbedded in it. Dean wasn't sure how they were attached to the metal, but they looked like they were in there pretty good. Dean really wanted to wiggle them to be sure, but Gabe picked up the weapon before he had a chance.

Gabe only held it for a second before he handed it off to Dean who immediately buckled under the weight of the thing. Not using the weapon was going to be pretty easy because it was so incredibly heavy that Dean could barely hold it upright. In fact it was so heavy that Dean doubted Sam would have been able to swing it in his current state. If he got supercharged again it'd be no problem, but as a regular old incredibly buff guy it was going to be a bit of an issue. Aaron and Jeremy could probably swing it, but swinging it repeatedly or quickly might post a problem even for them.

"What the hell is this?" Dean asked. "Yet another weapon to kill anything?"

"Precisely."

"We have like ten of those and none of them weigh more than I do."

"To be fair you weigh ninety pounds."

"Not even!"

"Even." Gabe said with a little smile. "When I say anything I mean anything."

"Colt, dagger, sword, rifle…I think James is even working on an app for his phone."

"Cooper sought out this weapon for you. You could say it solves the problem of killing whoever a demon happens to be possessing."

"How so?"

"You can kill a demon when it's not in a body, you could kill anything without a body."

"No shit." Dean said as he stared at the weapon. "Ghost?"

"Anything."

"God?"

"Let's not get carried away, Dean."

"Hmm."

Dean's list of things running around without a body was pretty short, but then those things were also sometimes just a wee bit difficult or troublesome to kill. He thought the idea of wasting a demon as it tried to flee a body was very interesting, but demons weren't around anymore and Dean couldn't remember the last time he dealt with a ghost. He was far too rich and glamorous to do stuff like that anymore which coincidentally Dean had heard was why Beyonce no longer hunted. The weapon was cool, there was no doubt about that, but Dean really had no idea when he would use it or why Cooper would want him to have it.

"I have to go."

"Already?"

"Unfortunately. I'll put these things in the trunk of your car for safe keeping."

"Okay, thanks."

"And Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't do anything you'll regret." Gabe said. "And don't keep anything from Sam."

"Understood."

"It was nice to see you."

"You too."

Dean extended his hand which Gabe shook without hesitation. He then gathered up his things and quickly disappeared. The conversation, though short, had left Dean feeling confused, conflicted, and sad. He completely understood why Gabe didn't want to see Sam, but it wasn't exactly easy for Dean either. He had really gotten used to having Gabe around and now he was gone and it seemed like his visits weren't going to happen with any regularity. Even worse than that was that Sam would inevitably know that Gabe was around even if Dean played it as cool as possible.

After making sure all the doors were locked and checking on the kids on last time Dean made it back to the master bedroom where Sam was fast asleep and curled in a little ball. Dean was more than ready to crawl into bed and cuddle up next to him, but he had a little business to attend to. As he got closer to the bed he heard a tiny little kitten sound coming from the bassinette. Buster was all wrapped up and cozy, but he was awake and apparently very pleased with himself. The cat noise he had become so fond of making was a very clear indicator of his mood. When he was happy he meowed a little which Dean thought was the cutest thing ever.

"What's wrong with you, kitty?" Dean asked as he scooped him up. "Did you find your hands again?"

Buster blinked his huge brown eyes a few times, raised an eyebrow, and then smirked at Dean. He was started to become a big time smirker which Sam was pretty sure meant he was trouble. Dean knew in his heart that no matter how bad Buster was he wouldn't compare to Milo so he wasn't worried, but he did like to see the smirk turn into a smile. That was easy enough to accomplish since Buster was becoming increasingly ticklish. Dean just barely stroked him tummy with his finger and Buster smiled, gurgled, and then cooed contently.

"Did I hear a happy kitty?" Sam whispered. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he just wants to sleep with us, go back to bed."

"I'll make some room."

Sam unfurled himself about three inches and then rolled completely onto his side. He was near the middle of the bed and made a perfect little spot for Buster who liked to sleep between his daddies. Dean had tried letting him sleep on one side or the other, but he would fuss and fuss until he was in the middle. Once Dean set him down Sam curled protectively around him and doled out several soft little kisses. Dean got in on his side of the bed, rearranged the sheets a little, and then Buster had himself a perfect little nest which made him purr and meow a little louder.

"Where's the baby?" Sam yawned. "Is he still here?"

"No, Cooper came to get him, everything's okay."

"Did he say where he was?"

"I think he did, but I can never understand what the hell he's talking about."

"Probably…probably naked dancing in the woods somewhere."

"Probably."

"You smell so good." Sam whispered. "God, what is that?"

"Just me, baby."

"You're making me hard."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Sam was about a minute away from falling back asleep, he hadn't even opened his eyes, but he still reached over and took Dean's hand. He guided him under the sheets and down his tight stomach to his even tighter underwear. Dean was just going to give him a friendly grope, but Sam held on to his hand and continued to guide him up the long hard length of her erection. He felt incredible and Dean really wanted to get out of the bed for about ten minutes and really take care of Sam.

"That's good." Sam whispered. "You wanna make me come?"

"Yeah, Sammy. Whatever you want."

"Make me come, Dean. You smell so good."

Dean took a deep breath and stroked Sam no more then ten times before he was gasping, sighing, and shuddering. Dean hadn't even had a chance to take him out of his underwear, which was fine because there was nothing to clean up, at least not right away. Sam didn't seem to mind and Dean was sort of a freak so he was going to have a lot of fun once they woke up in the morning and Buster was back in his bassinette. The unexpected intimacy was very nice and after a quick kiss Sam went right back to sleep while Dean rolled over on his back and licked at his palm. There wasn't much there, but it was enough to give him some very sweet dream. He was really going to need those sweet dreams too because before he fell asleep he realized that he smelled an awful lot like Gabe had in the kitchen.