(no subject)
Last story for the week, hope you guys enjoyed!
Title: Break The Internet.
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen,
Rating :R
Words10,000/3,658,900
Warnings: Wincest
Summary: Sam and Dean break the internet.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard
As a parent the last thing anyone wanted to deal with was their child having a problem. Dean had dealt with many of his children's problems and had dealt with them rather easily, but every couple of month something would come up that left him scratching his head and wondering what the hell he was supposed to do. The most recent head scratcher came courtesy of Evan who was in no way satisfied with his core strength or muscle definition.
To be fair to all those involved Evan looked like someone had shot Sam with a shrink ray. Not only did him and Ethan look incredibly similar, but they were built the same. Ethan was satisfied with a trim stomach and didn't much care about core strength at all, but Evan wasn't satisfied even though his stomach was a lot more defined than Dean's and Dean was in pretty good shape, maybe not as good as Sam, but still, he looked hot as hell with his shirt off.
"I can just stay like this for the rest of the day." Evan groaned. "Then I'll be ripped."
"Evan." Dean said as he rung his hands. "Please stop that."
"Daddy, calm down. I want to be shredded."
Dean looked over at Sam and silently pleaded for assistance, but he just shrugged and went back to his god damned baking. Bitch had been baking for like a month and a half and Dean was over it. He was over Evan too, or at least watching Evan balance on his forearms upside down with his back flat against the wall. Every few seconds he'd lower himself and then raise right back up, which was nerve-wracking. It was made even worse by the fact that he was in the kitchen where he could crack his baby skull against the stone tiles.
"You're going to crack your baby skull open!"
"Oh, I am not. Daddy, I have to be strong in case I get AIDS."
"What! Sam! Get your ass in the laundry room right now!"
"I'm baking." Sam said innocently. "I can't just stop baking."
"The hell you can't." Dean said under his breath. "What the fuck, Sam?"
Sam tried to act innocent and for a second it seemed like he was trying his best to disappear into the forty-eight pounds of dough he was working with, but Dean wasn't having it. He walked right over, gabbed Sam roughly by the arm and yanked him all the way into the laundry room where they could have some privacy. It was mostly private in there except for the presence of the cat who was taking a crap and none too pleased that he was being disturbed. That cat was a jerk though so Dean ignored him and the weird pooping faces he made.
"What the fuck!"
"Okay." Sam said calmly. "To be fair to me..."
"Why does he think he's going to get AIDS!"
"Someone, not saying it was me, but someone, probably dad, not me, let him watch some movie on Netflix about all these dancers with AIDS."
"What the hell kind of Angelina Ballerina episode was that!"
"It was set in the 80s I think? Evan was confused about why the phones had cords and why the jeans were so dumpy."
"Why would you let him watch that?"
"He asked if he could watch a ballet movie and before I knew it he asked me if I had AIDS."
"Oh, you better not!"
"Really, Dean?"
"You get your ass back out there and get him to stop doing...stuff."
"God, calm down. You're so worked up. Go get a condom and we can do it."
"Where the hell am I supposed to get a condom from, you dumb cum slut?"
"Rude." Sam said as he walked away. "Accurate, but very rude. No cake for you."
"We talking real cake or your ass?"
"Both. I was even going to let you eat real cake off my ass but not anymore."
Sam walked out of the laundry room and back to the kitchen with his high tight ass higher in the air than usual, then the freaking cat did the same. At least Sam hadn't dropped a bomb in the litter pan and then made a mess kicking crap all over the place. Because he absolutely hated the litter pan Dean scooped out the crap, tossed it in the garbage and then sprayed down the entire laundry room with Lysol. It took about a minute or so and when he walked back into the kitchen Evan was upright and assisting with the cookies, like he was supposed to.
"Anyway." Sam was saying. "That movie took place in the 80s."
"What is that, daddy?"
"It was a magical time long, long ago when Popples roamed freely, hair defied gravity, and everything was like two bucks."
"And faggots got AIDS."
"Evan!" Dean said as he rushed over. "Never say that word again. We have gay friends."
"Do you have any faggot friends?"
"Evan!" Dean yelled. "Sam, see what you did? Don't ever say that word again, it's not very nice. It's what mean people say. Do you want to be mean?"
"I just don't want to get AIDS."
"Baby, you're not going to get AIDS." Sam said as he squatted down. "You're going to grow up and be the greatest dancer in the world. Now let's forget about that movie, okay?"
"Okay, daddy."
"Thank God." Dean sighed. "I left the house for like an hour and..."
"Daddy!" Mikey yelled as he walked into the room. "Ethan called Mary a faggot and now she's crying."
"Are you freaking kidding me, Sam! You're unbelievable."
"You didn't tell me Ethan watched that movie with you."
"We do everything together except poop." Evan shrugged. "I figured you knew."
"You're really giving dad and run for the money in the father of the year contest."
Dean was more pissed off than he had been in a long time. He understood that Sam started planning Christmas on the 26th of December, but not monitoring what Ethan and Evan were watching was inexcusable. There was no telling what they could have gotten themselves into and if there was some movie about dancing gay guys with AIDS, Dean was positive there had to be at least one scene of buttfucking, which was totally inappropriate.
As Dean exited the kitchen Mary's anguished sobs got even louder. He found her in the family room sobbing in Ollie's arms. She was never much of a cryer, but when she got upset, she really got into it. Ethan was standing by looking sheepish and when Dean snapped his fingers he immediately retreated to the other side of the room and stuck his nose in the corner.
"Shh." Dean said as he picked Mary up. "It's okay, Ethan didn't mean it."
"Who?" Mary asked as she looked up. "The lady is going, daddy!"
"Wha...you're not upset that Ethan called you a name?"
"I don't listen to him!" Mary screamed. "The pretty lady is going home!"
"Whas a faggot anyway?" Ollie asked. "Might be good for me."
"No! No one is going to be a faggot."
"I like it." Milo said. "Hey faggot daddy!"
"Oh, my God."
"Daddy, I want to be a pretty lady."
"Lord Jesus take the wheel." Dean whispered. "Damn Sam and his hyper virility."
There were only so many things Dean could deal with at once. After making sure Ethan knew he was banished to the corner until Passover, Dean carried Mary out of the room so they could look for Melody. It was Sunday and she was headed back home because she had work. Dean thought they all came to an understanding about how she had to go, but Mary had either forgotten or decided to do whatever she could to stop her from going.
The real problem wasn't that Melody was leaving, it was that Mary had gotten a peek at her putting on makeup and she wanted to be pretty. Seeing as how she was already the most beautiful child in all of existence, Dean forbid it and Mary got very upset. Still, Dean didn't want to see her upset, he couldn't handle her being upset and if a little makeup was going to make her feel better he was going to turn her over to Melody and hope she didn't come back looking like one of those little tramps Ollie had slaughtered at the hooker baby sparkle festival.
"Oh, no." Melody said as Dean approached her open door. "What's wrong, honey?"
"I want to be pretty."
"You're already the prettiest little girl I've ever seen!"
"I have a princess dress."
"Melody is going to do your makeup for you." Dean said as he sat her on the bed. "Then you can put on your princess dress and watch a princess movie."
"With Woah?"
"Yes, I'll force him to watch a princess movie with you."
"Yay, daddy!"
"Don't put any weird goop on her." Dean told Melody. "And no weave."
"I left all my weave at home."
"Good. Where's your other half?"
"Sam sent her to buy more butter."
"Oh, Jesus." Dean sighed. "Have fun with Melody, baby."
"I love you, daddy!"
Dean smiled and kissed Mary on top of her head and then went to deal with Ethan. When he got to the living room Ethan was missing in action and Ollie immediately ratted him out like a good boy. As soon as Dean had left with Mary, Ethan had made a beeline for the kitchen where Sam could protect him. He was sorely mistaken if he thought that was going to happen, because Sam was in more trouble than anyone else.
Dean found everyone in the kitchen, but he didn't immediately start cracking skulls and busting asses. Sam had stopped baking momentarily and was holding Ethan like he was a baby and Evan was tearing up another pomegranate. Dean had no idea where the hell he kept getting them from, but he only got to enjoy them for a limited time each year so he had to get it while the getting was good. He was really going to town on that thing, like Sam did whenever there happened to be an ass available.
"It's okay." Sam whispered to Ethan. "Daddy's here."
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm comforting our child. It's called daddying, look it up."
"Why are you holding him? He's a big boy."
"I'm just so upset about that movie, daddy. I know you were busy baking for Twinmas, but someone, possibly grandpa, should have supervised us."
"I know, baby, it's okay."
"Or someone else, if they weren't busy shopping and wearing tight jeans."
Dean looked down at his jeans and saw that there was some bulge definition and maybe a glimpse of head. He reached into his underwear and rearranged himself as to not further distract anyone, but he wasn't getting rid of his favorite jeans just because they were tight. They made his ass look fantastic and even Alex had been caught checking out the delicious goods and Alex usually only went for young jailbait ginger meat.
"I know." Sam said again. "It's my fault. I knew grandpa is the worst and that daddy was too busy shopping with his nuts hanging out like some cheap slut. I should have stopped what I was doing to supervise you even if it meant not getting the cookies done before Zora and Melody leave."
"First of all, don't bring my nuts into this and shall I see what I recorded on my phone last night to determine who's the slut."
"Moving on." Sam said quickly. "And delete that!"
"Secondly, I wasn't out shopping, I was getting all the crap you asked for."
"If you got Tahitian vanilla beans, I swear to God, I will drag you to hell."
"Tahitian!" Evan scoffed. "You might as well just fart in the cookies."
"Organic Tongan vanilla beans. You're welcome, by the way, they were super easy to find."
"Thank you, sweet husband. Looks like someone earned himself a face full of cake."
"Oh, yeah?" Dean grinned. "Alright."
"Oh, I was talking about me."
"You kinky sonofa..."
"Daddy!" Evan said as he shook his head. "That's inappropriate."
Sam winked and darted his tongue out of his mouth very quickly before licking his lips. That kinky bastard was on an ass rampage lately, and while Dean wasn't going to complain about it, he was also going to get himself a taste too. After all, Christmas wasn't Christmas unless you spent at least twenty minutes a day with your tongue inside someone else's ass. That was what Alex had always said anyway and he was a teacher, so Dean trusted him.
Before anyone could get eaten like a pomegranate Sam had to finish up the cookies for the baskets, and Dean had to do a little damage control. Ethan was apprehensive about walking over when called, but he eventually came after Sam gave him a kiss and swatted him on the butt. He sat down at the table next to Evan and made the most disgusted face when he saw the sorry state of the pomegranate massacre. Just to smooth things over Dean got him a little stack of Oreos and then got comfortable to tell them both an unconventional Christmas story, all about the 80s and AIDS. Neither of them seemed particularly interested anymore, and Sam, who had come over to get a better listen looked confused, which was adorable because he was so dumb.
"So..." Ethan said before he scratched his head. "It's a flu that you get in your butt."
"Yes. Exactly."
"And when you fart it's your butt sneezing?"
"Yep. See, those people were hugging each other real hard and that's how you get AIDS."
"Dean." Sam said. "Really?"
"Oh, they were also maybe sharing juice boxes. But don't worry, lucky for us the 80s and my chubby phase are long over.
"Okay." Sam sighed. "Listen, you know adults have sex with each other."
"Oh, yeah, sex." Evan nodded. "Putting your wiener in places."
"Exactly. You have to have safe sex or you can get sick. The movie you watched was from before we knew that, now we know better, but as a reminder, you're barely six years old. You don't have to worry about sex until you're thirty, like we agreed on."
"I want to put my wiener in someone's ear."
"Good job, Sam. Your son wants to give someone brain damage."
"Wieners don't go in ears. Especially yours. It's not going to fit, trust me, I've tried."
"Oh, daddy." Evan said as he shook his head at Dean. "Is that why you have funny ears?"
"Yes."
Evan comforted Dean by patting his hand and then trying to push his ears flat against his head. He got pomegranate juice all over the place, but Dean didn't mind. He appreciated the efforts to fix his hideous sex deformed ears. Ethan and Evan seemed to understand Sam's explanation a little bit better than they had Dean's, but it still wasn't something they should have been worried about. Even worse, now Dean was going to have to sit through some dumb gay ballet movie to see just how scarred his precious babies were.
"So." Dean said once Ethan and Evan were occupied with snacks. "What caused this uncharacteristic lapse of judgment."
"I had a special problem."
"Is your ass bleeding again?"
"No!"
"Then what could be more important than keeping our children safe from sodomites?"
"I was learning what the kids call the social media."
"I thought we had a faggot to handle that for us."
"Anthony said he'd do it, but I'm a big boy."
"You sure the hell are." Dean grinned. "And what exactly was so pressing that you had to tell your devoted acolytes?"
"Well, Melody has that organization she works with and they need money, right?"
"Yeah."
"So I told Anthony to set up one of those fundraising things, the kind the celebrities with way too much money already use to finance their terrible movies."
"Go on..."
"Then I took a picture of me baking, posted it to the instagram, and linked to the fundraiser."
"Just you baking?"
"Okay, I was wiping flour off my face with my tummy showing a little. Little bit of the treasure trail."
Dean whipped out his own phone, tried in vain to understand instagram, and then finally took Sam's phone from him. In the picture Sam's entire stomach was exposed and he was using his shirt to remove a very carefully placed smear of flour from across his chin. It looked like he had just taken a load in the face, which was so totally deliberate. He had a look of bewildered ecstasy on his face and he was just barely biting his bottom lip. Dean knew the whole thing was very carefully posed, because no one looked like they were getting fucked while baking, but everyone else thought it was candid.
"You posted this a half hour ago and there are almost a million likes already?"
"Yep. I'm really pretty."
""Making a mess while baking. This holiday season support my favorite worthy cause""
"I figured out how to add a link."
"Holy fuck!"
"Daddy!" Evan whispered. "Language!"
Dean clicked on the link which brought him to the fundraising page. Anthony had done a good job setting it up. There was a picture of the building in the city, a short bio, and a little ticker on the top right of the page. It had been under an hour and Sam's immense influence had already raised almost two million dollars. Two million was chump change for getting to see him looking all sexy, but still, that could help a lot of people.
"Oh, two million. I guess people just hate me."
"Seriously, Sam?"
"I thought it'd be higher."
"You just made two million dollars for acting like a slut, and you usually do that for free."
"If I was a woman you wouldn't slut shame me."
"Yes, I would! That's like my whole thing! Did you tell Melody about this?"
"No, I want it to be a surprise. Come on, get that bowl off the top shelf so your underwear shows a little. Give me your phone."
"What the hell!"
If there was one thing Dean absolutely did not do it was get things off the top shelf. He had married a sasquatch specifically to keep him from having to endure that kind of humiliation. However, to help kids who needed it, Dean decided to play along. He reached as far as he could and didn't protest too much when Sam pulled his jeans and underwear down just a tiny bit to expose a little ass cleavage. For someone who had no idea how instagram worked he certainly did get that picture out there without a problem. It was sort of classy and Sam had cropped it so no one would know he couldn't reach the top shelf.
"And now we text Beyonce and ask her to post something and we'll really get some money."
"Sammy, I'm glad you've exposed our kids to gay sex for a worthy cause."
"I'm no hero."
"Didn't say you were."
"You were thinking it." Sam smiled. "You love me."
"Yes, I do."
"Hey, you two." Sam said. "I need to talk to daddy alone. Evan, wash up before you go near the furniture."
"Okay, daddy."
Evan took way too long getting his hands and face free from the dark red pomegranate juice, but once he had left with Ethan, Dean was ready for some kind of special treat. He didn't know what it was going to be, but he was a good boy and he deserved something sweet.
"I made this cupcake just for you."
"Oh, yeah?" Dean grinned. "I like sweet treats."
"I know, you do, baby."
Sam unzipped his jeans, pulled down his underwear, and proceeded to smash the cupcake into his crotch. That was a picture that really would have raised some money, but Dean thought it best he just keep it between the two of them. Seeing Sam smeared with so much glossy white frosting and cake was absolutely obscene, and Dean loved every second of it.
"Oh, baby."
"Get on your knees." Sam ordered. "Clean up this mess."
"Yes, daddy."
The cupcake was fantastic, but once Dean was done cleaning it all up he got something much, much sweeter.
When all of Sam's baking for the holiday gift baskets was done he was absolutely exhausted. It had been a lot of work to get everything done, but he was officially finished and everything was packed into the backseat of Melody's car. When she got back to Westport with Zora all Anthony had to do was pick up the boxes, finish packing the baskets, wrap them up and call the courier. Ideally Sam would have preferred to do it, but he had to make sacrifices to have his special Christmas in Vermont. Anthony had been trained well and Sam had no doubt that the baskets would be perfect.
After the car was packed and the kitchen was clean Sam plopped down on the living room sofa so he could relax. That lasted about thirty seconds because as soon as he sat down a swarm of children descended on him. Milo climbed him to sit on his shoulders, Ethan sat right next to him and Evan crawled in his lap. Sam didn't mind, but he was kind of hoping he might be able to drift off for a few minutes which was sort of impossible with his baby parrot on his shoulder. Still, sleep was for the weak and Sam hadn't spent much time with anyone besides Evan all weekend.
The kids were on what seemed like the 42nd Christmas movie of the day and they were all very intently watching. Mikey and Ollie were on their floor with their respective animals and Mary was very properly sitting in one of the chairs constantly fluffing up her Cinderella dress. Most kids had to make due with shit from the Disney store, but Mary's princess dresses were all handmade. She was feeling extra pretty after her makeover which consisted of pink nails and toenails, blush, lip gloss, and a light dusting of sparkly eye shadow. She looked absolutely precious and Sam didn't care what Dean said, she was getting some play makeup for Christmas.
Just when Sam was finally feeling comfortable there was a rather loud knock at the door. Of course Sam was the only adult around to answer it, but he just couldn't make himself stand up. He waited a few seconds hoping someone else had heard the door, but when a second knock came he gave up and sighed dramatically.
"Mikey, can you get that?"
"Really?" Mikey asked as he stood up. "What if I get molested?"
"We've been over this, use your freaky devil powers and tell them no."
"Oh, right."
Sam wasn't too concerned about Mikey getting molested, mostly because molesters rarely knocked and he could see the door from where he was sitting. Just to be on the safe side Ollie went with him, though Sam wasn't entirely sure how that was any better than him going alone. As soon as Mikey pulled the door open John made a surprise appearance so Sam sent him over there to deal with whoever the hell had decided to interrupt his sitting on the sofa time.
Because John was over there Sam turned his attention back to the movie and the rest of the kids who were all completely unconcerned with whoever was at the door. Sam didn't really care either until he glanced over and saw John leading three men into the living room. At that point Sam immediately removed Milo from his shoulders and stood up. There was one huge white guy, and even bigger black guy, and a very small short guy holding a pretty large black box. They were all dressed in suits and Sam was a little nervous, especially when he noticed there was a lock on the front of the box.
"Sam, these guys are here for you." John said awkwardly. "That's what Mikey said at least."
"They said they have a delivery for you." Mikey announced. "Questo è il mio padre"
"Mille Grazie!"
The short man holding the box snapped at the big white guy who immediately dug in his pocket and produced a rainbow swirled lollipop and handed it to Mikey. He looked cautious, but he accepted it anyway and put it in his pocket. Ollie in turned kicked the black guy in the foot and held out his hand earning himself his own lollipop. If either of them thought they were eating candy from strangers, even Italian strangers, they were sorely mistaken.
"Who is this from?"
"Ah." The short man said. " Questo è un regalo di Natale dal signor Giorgio Armani, dalla casa di Armani."
"It's a Christmas present from Giorgio Armani and the house of Armani."
"Oh...okay, well...thank you!"
"Siamo quindi onorati di avere a come parte della nostra famiglia. Speriamo che voi rimanere per molti anni!"
"Mmhmm!"
Sam nodded and then smiled awkwardly when the man with the box set it down on the coffee table and then kissed him full on the lips. Of course that would be the exact moment Dean came back from putting Buster down for his nap. He tore ass into the living room and started shouting in Italian and then, true to form, kissing the short man back when he was done. They had a freaking long ass conversation that ended with the man handing over a beautifully engraved black envelope with Sam's name on it.
"Addio!" Dean called as John escorted the men out. "Sposarsi a Natale!"
"What the hell was that!"
"Oh, that short guy came from Italy to deliver your Christmas present. He's never been here before but he said there are a lot of trees and that Mary is pretty."
"Okay..."
"Those big guys were security."
"Why security?"
"He said to read the letter."
"Open it daddy!" Evan said as he felt all over the box. "It's spy stuff!"
"It does look like spy stuff. I feel like James Bond."
"Come on, Sammy, gotta be better than the car, right?"
"I...guess?"
Sam sat back down on the sofa and took out the letter which thankfully was almost entirely in English. Sam didn't care how famous he got, there were still some things that he thought were fucking cool. Getting a handwritten letter from one of the most important people in fashion was pretty high up on his list. The letter was very flattering and it mostly just thanked Sam for another year as the face of the company and for another record breaking year. Sam wasn't too sure he had much to do with that considering how little he was involved, but his cologne was always sold out, so that had to mean something.
"What's this say at the bottom in Italian?"
"Uh." Dean said as he squinted. "Heavy is the head that wears the crown."
"I hope it's shoes." Sam grinned. "What's the combination?"
"33589."
"Daddy, can I do it!"
"Go ahead, buddy. For helping me bake."
Evan was so excited that his hands were shaking as he went to line up all the numbers. Sam was pretty excited too and he was really hoping for shoes, even though the box was a little too big for just one pair of shoes, maybe there were two, or perhaps a piece of artwork for the house. Whatever it was, Sam was very grateful that they had thought of him and he was sure it would be perfect.
The box clicked open when Evan slid the last number in to place causing him to jump back a little. Since it was Sam's present, he opened the lid and then proceeded to nearly crap himself. The box was lined in black velvet and custom made to protectively cradle the crown inside. It was fairly large, made of what looked like platinum and dotted with an obscene number of gems. Sam withdrew it carefully and for a moment he could barely breathe because he had never seen anything so beautiful.
"Holy shit." Dean whispered. "How much money did you make them?"
"I have no idea."
The crown, which looked to be either new or in remarkable shape, was composed of twisted laurel leaves in one big circle. The gems were inset into the thick band around the base and they were insanely glittery. Sam had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do with a crown, especially one that was so incredibly heavy. It had to weigh ten pounds at least and he couldn't imagine how much it had cost.
"What are you supposed to do with a crown?" John asked. "You're not going to wear it are...and it's on your head."
"Oh, daddy!" Mary smiled. "Like a fairytale prince!"
"Yeah?" Sam grinned. "It's crushing my head, and I have a huge head."
"That's a good crown." Ollie nodded. "I know crowns."
"Take a lap, Sammy." Dean said. "You know you want to."
"Maybe just a quick one around the living room to try it out."
Sam knew there weren't very many people running around in crowns anymore, but he had a newfound respect for anyone that did. Not only was the crown heavy and awkward feeling, but it was also incredibly uncomfortable. None of those things really mattered though because Sam was almost positive it wasn't a wearing around the house and waving at people crown. It was one of those things that the super rich bought their super rich friends just because they could. It was a very nice gesture and Sam thought the crown would look very nice on display somewhere in the house, perhaps in a custom made cabinet.
Just when Sam was about to make a second lap around the living room he spotted Michael hopping down the stairs two at a time. He wasn't paying any attention at all and nearly slammed right into Sam when he reached the bottom. Luckily Sam managed to stop him in time at which point Michael apologized and then took notice of the crown. He looked confused at first and then downright indignant.
"Now who bought him a crown? That's like giving an alcoholic some Wild Turkey!"
"You know, you're awfully opinionated for someone who doesn't have a crown."
"Why you talking to the ceiling?"
"Oh, I don't make eye contact with pedestrians." Sam laughed at he stared at the wall. "Too royal and such and whatnot. Hence."
"You're the king of lies!"
"Milo, please use your freaky devil powers to dispatch Mifoo."
"No, daddy!"
"Your king commands you."
"I love Mifoo!"
"What I'm hearing is that you love Mifoo more than your daddy, Super King Sammy."
"I dunno." Milo shrugged. "I like turtles!"
"Hmm." Sam nodded. "Quite."
"Okay, pain in the ass." Dean said as he walked over. "Take that thing off before you go mad with power."
"As if that would happen."
"That's guaranteed to happen." Michael said. "Wearing a fancy crown like..."
"Chocolate milk to whoever beheads Michael first!"
"Hey!"
"This ho ain't loyal."
"What you called me!"
Sam dramatically rolled his eyes and decided that he was going to make wearing a crown a thing. He was a big time trendsetter and he was pretty sure it would only take two or three public appearances before everyone was sporting their own crown at the dentist or to go to Trader Joe's. Before he could do that Sam had to punish all those who had wronged him and disrespected him as supreme overlord of the universe and he was just about to kill Michael when Dean walked over and snatched the crown right off his head.
"Aww!" Sam frowned. "Now I can't kill anyone because it'll be murder."
"You were really gonna kill me! Dad! He was gonna kill me!"
"A show of force will make sure everyone knows I'm not weak. Come on, let me kill you in front of everyone."
"No! Grandpa!"
When Michael tried to get away Sam grabbed him by the arm and blew raspberries all over his neck. He struggled and hissed and said a few cotton pickin' cusses, but Sam ignored him and kept on kissing him. When Michael finally managed to break free he sprinted across the living room to hide by John, who proceeded to blow raspberries on his neck and kiss all over him. It wasn't the show of force Sam had in mind, but it did seem to inspire loyalty in the rest of the kids.
"Where's your other old man?" John asked. "The less attractive one."
"Taking a nap."
"Why's he doing that?" Dean asked. "Did he overexert himself?"
"I'm sure if he had he would have sent you several inappropriate text messages about it."
"To the smartphone!"
Dean put the crown back in it's special box and then dashed off to find his phone. Sam was tempted to put the crown back on, but he already had a slight headache so he closed the box, spun the combination lock, and then plopped back down on the sofa. Ethan and Evan crawled back on top of him, but Milo kept his distance and he was giving Sam the glaring of a lifetime. It was absolutely precious and Sam decided that later on he was going to bite Milo on his butt.
"What's wrong, baby?"
"Where you got that from?"
"Oh, well you know how daddy's the world's greatest super model?"
"Go on..."
"I am the only thing keeping the economy from total shutdown, by driving young impressionable homosexuals to spend money they don't have so they can smell like me, and in a way, get into my pants."
"I will get your pants!"
"Your butt is too petite and round for my pants."
"I will buy the fancy stuff!"
"Milo." Evan said. "You can't afford fancy crowns. You already got daddy a much better present for Christmas. Remember?"
"I got the..." Milo said before he paused. "Brother, tell me!"
When Ollie leaned over and whispered into his ear Milo's face got very serious and then he nodded in approval. Sam thought it was adorable that he didn't want him to get presents from anyone else, but Evan was right. Whatever his sweet baby had picked out for him was better than ten crowns.
"You can keep your things, daddy."
"Well, thank you. Now come sit by me so we can watch this movie. There just enough room for your cute little butt right here."
"It's a good butt!"
Milo ran right over and snuggled in nice and close. There wasn't much room for Dean, but he remedied that by putting Ethan on his lap. It was so nice to relax for a little bit, but Sam never really liked downtime. He couldn't think of anything he absolutely had to do, but he knew there was something, there was always something. When he reached for his phone Dean slapped his hand and shook his head, but Sam just couldn't sit and watch a movie, he had to see what the hell was going on with the world.
"Holy hell!"
"What?" Dean asked. "What's more important than watching this stupid movie with our kids?"
"Six million." Sam said as he held up his phone. "Can you believe that!"
"Wow, you're really popular."
"I guess I am. Oh, look the picture of you has over a million likes!"
"I'm gorgeous. What about Yonce?"
"Well, she's doing her best. Oh, I guess...that person we don't talk about posted about it too."
"Lady Gaga?"
"What!" Ethan screamed. "What happened with Lady Gaga!"
Sam narrowed his eyes and thought about asking Milo to kill for him again. He specifically didn't say the G-word because he knew Ethan would completely lose his shit. He was still lobbying hard to have Lady Gaga as a Christmas present, but Sam wasn't having it. He appreciated the post, but he wasn't a fan. Unfortunately Ethan was a super fan and Evan wasn't far behind.
"She uh...she wore something ridiculous."
"It's called fashion, daddy."
"I think, as the world's greatest supermodel, I know what fashion is."
"Are you the world's greatest supermodel?" John asked. "You know, like for real?"
"Obviously."
"Grandpa, calm down." Ethan said as he climbed off Dean's lap. "Daddy, Lady Gaga is my spirit animal."
"I thought that was the honey badger."
"I can have two. Are you going to get Lady Gaga to come to the Christmas party?"
"She's busy."
"Sam." Dean said without looking over. "Your nose is growing and it's still weird and sorta piggy."
"You're lying!" Ethan gasped. "I feel humiliated and betrayed. Evan is probably going to have a complete psychotic breakdown and his crazy doctor doesn't even live here."
"Mark told me if I have a complete psychotic breakdown I can call him whenever I want."
"No one is having a complete psychotic breakdown and no one is crazy."
"Ethan." Dean said as he pulled him back into his lap. "I'm going to get you Lady Gaga for Christmas."
"Daddy, I love you, and you're great at serving looks, but how are you going to get Lady Gaga?"
"Serving looks?" Dean asked. "Anyway. I can do stuff."
"I don't think Lady Gaga is going to let you touch her butt."
"Ethan, I can do things without touching butts."
"Well...now I don't know what's real life anymore."
"Dean." Sam said before clearing his throat. "Perhaps it'd be in everyone's best interest to not make any promises you can't or won't be allowed to keep."
"So, no one believes I can get Lady Gaga here for Christmas?"
"I do, dad!"
"Oh, shut up you kiss ass!"
"How dare you!" Michael yelled at Sam. "Of all the nerve!"
To be fair, it wasn't like Sam doubted Dean's ability to do anything especially when it came to the kids, but if he promised something and didn't deliver, they were never going to hear the end of it. One day in the very distant future, long after Sam had been cryogenically frozen he just knew Ethan would be sitting around surrounded by grandchildren still talking about how he had been lied to and that one Christmas where his whole life was ruined. Evan got over stuff, but Ethan never would and Sam wasn't going to hear about it for the next sixty or so years.
"I'll show you!" Dean said as he moved Ethan and sat up. "Mikey, get me my conversation hat."
"You left it at home."
"Then get me a beer!"
Sam rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically as Mikey and Dean sped off towards the kitchen to have a totally appropriate middle of the day beer. Sam would have stopped them both, but he doubted Dean was going to be able to just dial up Lady Gaga, he didn't have that kind of clout, and more importantly that bitch didn't even have a crown. Michael didn't have a crown either, which was probably why he was giving Sam the stink eye from across the living room.
"What? Stop looking at me."
"Oh, I'm sorry that you can't handle me serving face."
"Don't come for me!"
"You'll never be glamour."
"Oooh!" Ethan hissed. "Shade!"
"I do love a bit of shade." Evan said as he looked over. "Michael, I love your outfit."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yes, I wouldn't wear it, but it's cute for you."
"Ooooh!" Ollie yelled. "Yasss!"
"What the hell is going on?" John asked. "What's happening?"
"Grandpa, I told you to calm down." Ethan said. "You're getting all..."
"Everyone shut up!" Dean said as he marched back into the room. "Especially you, Sammy."
"What the hell did..."
Dean glared and then pressed his finger to his lips. Mikey was standing next to him and he had a look of bewildered pride on his face. Sam really had no idea what the hell was going on, until Dean held up his phone and tapped the screen. He was in a call with someone and he had just set that shit to speakerphone. Immediately Sam thought about tackling him or at least throwing the phone in the fireplace, but he wasn't quick enough.
"Ethan?"
"Who wants to know?"
"It's Lady Gaga, I heard you and Evan are my number one fans."
"Oh...my...beans." Ethan said as he jumped off the sofa. "Wait a minute, how do I know you're really Lady Gaga? Daddy is a notorious tricker."
"Oh, he is." Mary nodded. "A tricker!"
"Of course it's me."
"I don't know if I'm entirely sure about this."
Sam wasn't so sure either, mostly because Dean had been gone for all of two minutes. The whole thing seemed very suspicious and Sam had serious doubts until that bitch Lady Gaga decided to sing. Ethan promptly had a complete psychotic breakdown, Evan followed suit and Milo jumped up and started to dance around. Sam learned a very important lesson that day and he was never going to doubt Dean again. Ethan was so happy that Sam was just going to have to get over it because whether he liked it or not Lady Gaga was coming for Christmas.
When Melody and Zora were ready to head home, Dean couldn't find Sam anywhere. They had just finished dinner about an hour ago and after they finished cleaning the kitchen Sam disappeared. Dean was a little concerned, because Sam never went somewhere or did anything without announcing it, on account of Milo. If he had to go to the bathroom he had to tell everyone because if Milo realized he was missing and didn't know where Sam was they were all going to be dealing with hell on Earth.
Since Milo hadn't yet noticed that Sam was suspiciously absent, Dean decided not to call attention to it. Instead he checked the bathroom, the laundry room, and even went upstairs to the bedroom. Sam was completely MIA and Dean was starting to get a little worried until he decided to check the office before calling the police and the national guard. The door was shut tight, but Sam was in there, sitting behind the desk with a crazy look in his eyes.
"Sammy, what the hell are you doing?"
"I believe the kids these days call it doing an internets."
"That's not what..."
"I'm checking the fundraiser and my email."
"I'm not talking about that. Why are..."
"I've decided to teach myself the Skype, so I can talk to my best friend Auden and that girl he married."
"We have a serious problem, Sammy."
"With what?"
"Take off that stupid crown, Sammy."
"Pardon?"
"Take it off!"
Sam was sitting at the computer going about his business with that damned crown on his head. Dean wouldn't have been so concerned, but this was the second time he caught Sam wearing the crown and pretending like everything was nice and normal. The first time was before dinner when Sam went to have a bath with Buster. Dean walked in to check on them and Sam was soaking in the tub with the baby on his chest and the crown on his head. Clearly Buster had been traumatized by the whole experience and Dean couldn't have that.
"I earned this crown!"
"No one is saying you didn't."
"I think maybe you're a little jealous." Sam said without making eye contact. "But if I'm the king of the world, that makes you my queen and you're so pretty."
"I am pretty..."
"And I'm king of the world. Super King Sammy."
"Sam, just because you have a crown doesn't make you..."
"Any less humble, I know. I may be a super king, but I'm still just Sam Winchester...ruler of the free world. A paragon of goodness in a world full of..."
"Oh, Jesus." Dean said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know Smeagol wasn't corrupted this quickly."
"I'm not saying I'm Jesus...but I'm pretty close."
"I'm going to kill you."
"Regicide! You know what, go ahead. I don't want to live in a world where my own husbandbrother can't be happy about me finally getting what I deserve. Aaron is happy for me. Aren't you, favorite brother?"
"Yes, Sam."
"What the hell?"
When Dean walked over and looked at the monitor he saw a very tired and annoyed looking Aaron staring back at him. He was sitting on the couch in the barn with Max on his chest and he obviously would have preferred to be doing anything else. Dean could just barely make out Jeremy in the background doing something in the kitchen. He was probably making dinner which Dean thought was sweet. They were just one big happy family and no one had delusions of grandeur or a God complex.
"Hey." Dean said. "What's your wife doing?"
"Cooking tacos."
"For your Mexican baby?"
"You know, you can just call him a baby. You don't always have to call him a Mexican baby."
"Someone's in a mood."
"It's been a...long day."
"What's wrong?"
"Is that Dean! Dean! I'm inside your computer television!"
"What the hell!"
Aaron rolled his eyes and sat back on the couch looking like he was seconds away from passing out. For a second the video on the monitor went all crazy and then Dean screeched like a little girl when he saw some grotesque giant forehead appear out of nowhere. He was worried there might be something D-monic going on, but then the video moved again and he saw James staring back at them like he was looking at someone with six heads.
"Am I doing it right!" James screamed. "Dean, it's me, your grandpa! I'm here with your other grandpa, Henry, my American baby."
"Yeah, you don't have to scream. What's wrong?"
"Well." James said as he sat down next to Aaron. "Ann's best friend's husband got arrested for picking up a whore from New Jersey and paying her to put her finger in his butt."
"The ole Sam Winchester special, I'm familiar."
"Anyway, her friend is obviously devastated. I don't think she's as upset about the finger in the butt as she is about the whore in general. I think if you know it's going to happen then it's okay. I'm okay with that, just let me know."
"Duly noted." Dean sighed. "Wrap it up."
"Oh, anyway, Ann and a few of her friends are going to Mexico, where Max is from..."
"He's not from Mexico, he's from Connecticut."
"Okay, Aaron, calm down." James whispered. "So since Ann finds it appropriate to abandon her child for a week, I'm going to come there. I know you miss Henry and he's the most perfect baby in the world. I'll let you hold him."
"You know I have my own baby, right?"
"Oh, yes, yes. Well, honestly I probably wasn't going to let you hold him. May I come up for the week?"
"Of course."
"Excellent! Okay, I'll be there in five hours. See you then!"
"Wait you're leaving now it's..."
"Let him go." Aaron said quickly. "He's been here all day being a horrible racist."
"He's the ancestor of royalty." Sam said. "He can be racist if he wants. What did he do? Beat up a Polish?"
"No, he just refuses to believe that Max is American. I mean, James is British, and he used to be dead. Pretty sure Max is more American than him."
"Well, probably. Why isn't Jeremy coming to talk to us?"
Aaron squinted his eyes and shook his head at the camera just as Jeremy turned to glare at the mention of his name. He was so far in the background Dean couldn't really tell what was going on, but he seemed a little pissed off. Aaron clearly wasn't in a sharing mood and Dean thought he was going to have to wait to find out what was going on until Jeremy came over and stood behind the sofa so they could both see him on the monitor.
"Jeremy, you look so upset." Sam frowned. "Go take an angry poop."
"No!"
"What's wrong, baby brother? You miss me?" Dean asked. "Not getting enough hugs and kisses."
"Or my dick sucked."
"Jeremy!"
"Uh-oh." Dean said as he backed away from the monitor. "What's uh...going on?"
"Jeremy's angry because I have a child to take care of and I've only stopped everything I was doing to take care of him twice today instead of three times."
"I'm angry because when Carol asked to take him to the library today so we could, I don't know, get more than ten minutes of uninterrupted sleep, you told her no."
"Stop fighting." Dean said. "Zora and Melody are about to leave, we'll call you back later."
Dean absolutely did not have it in him to deal with another fight about Max. Jeremy and Aaron were struggling a little, and while Dean knew everything would be fine, he was worried. Jeremy just wasn't very paternal, which was fine, since he hadn't actually signed up for raising a child, but he was doing his best. Aaron was maybe doing a little too much, and that was saying a lot coming from Dean. Given the circumstances, it was natural that Aaron would be very protective, but he'd have to accept a little help from someone besides Jeremy, who wasn't really into the whole parenting thing to begin with. Carol could help, she wanted to, so did John, but Aaron was just so nervous about letting Max out of his sight.
"And I'm taking this stupid crown."
"Noo!" Sam pouted. "No, Dean, stop, give it back!"
"Oh, my God, you're a grown ass man."
"Give it, come on, don't be a mean bruddah."
"Don't use your sexy voice on me."
"I'll let you pee on me..."
"That's gross." Dean said as he put the crown away. "I want you to do the peeing."
"Well, give me back the crown and..."
"No, Sammy!"
"I'll pee on your face!"
"Wow, you are obsessed with that thing."
Sam raised a naughty eyebrow a couple of times and while the offer was very tempting, Dean decided to pass. First of all, if he wanted to get peed on, he was going to get peed on. Secondly, he had had just about enough of the fucking crown. Sam was moping and pouting, but Dean completely ignored him and snapped his fingers towards the door. Sam grumped and grumbled before grabbing the tablet off the desk and sulking out of the office. Dean grabbed his ass when he passed, but he just whined more like the freaking cat.
In the living room Melody and Zora were packed and ready to go, but they were obviously trying to sneak out with something that didn't belong to them. Mary was ready for bed and hugging onto Melody as tightly as she could. Dean actually had to kind of pry her off at which point she started crying again. She wasn't howling and screeching anymore, but she was upset and it made Dean want to cry too. It also made him want to giggle a little but only because Mary couldn't have cared less that Zora was going and it seemed she had gone to great length to not call her a pretty lady.
"We'll be back." Melody said as she rubbed Mary's back. "And I'll come see you all the time when we're all back in Connecticut."
"Promise?"
"Of course. You be a good girl and Santa will bring you lots of good stuff."
"Okay. Bye pretty lady, bye Mister."
"She's calling me mister now." Zora said. "Did you tell her to do that?"
"She's very astute." Dean said. "Maybe you should throw on some lashes or a little lip gloss."
"I wear makeup everyday! I have on a full face of makeup right now."
"It's not sparkly, daddy." Mary whispered. "Doesn't count."
"She's right. You look like Dan Aykroyd."
"Thanks for having us, guys, I had an amazing time. It means so much to me to be so warmly welcomed and then stuffed full of delicious food all weekend."
"We loved having you." Sam said. "And before you go we just wanted to show you something."
"Don't look at that tablet." Zora said as she shielded Mary. "Dean said the same thing to me and then he showed me a video of that guy who looks exactly like him peeing in the woods."
"Ryan Phillippe?"
"The one with the ears."
"Oooh, okay."
"It's no one peeing." Sam sighed. "Really Dean?"
"I just want to share Jensen's talent with the world."
Sam rolled his eyes and then handed over the tablet, which already had the fundraiser page pulled up. Melody rather cautiously took it, probably because she was expecting Texan cock, but even though it was hard to believe she was getting something much better. The fundraiser link had been tweeted, shared, posted, reposted, like, tumbled, pinned and whatever the hell else the kids were doing these days over and over again. As a result Sam's little good deed had spread far and wide from one side of the world to the other.
"Oh, my God." Melody said as she covered her mouth. "Is this...Are you serious?"
"What is it?" Zora asked. "Is it a penis?"
"Sammy started it this morning."
"I know how much these kids mean to you. They're lucky to have someone like you looking out for them. They deserve as much love and respect as everyone else in our community and they certainly deserve a place where they can go to feel safe and get the help they need."
Sam had guilt because he had put all of his focus on the LBG and sort of forgotten about the T. Dean didn't think he had anything to be guilty about because he already helped so many people, but Sam was going to be dead in the ground before he stopped doing everything he could for all those less fortunate than he was especially if those people happened to be kids. The fundraiser had started out of guilt, but it became more than that. It wasn't just something he did because everyone liked Melody so much either. He did it because he could, because it was the right thing to do, and because he was a good guy.
"This..." Melody said before she shook her head. "This is more money than we've ever had."
"And it's still got a month left."
"Sam, I don't know what to say, I...you were right about them."
"What that bitch had to say?" Dean asked. "She's very judgmental."
"I said that you were both totally weird and that you were a short little bowlegged jerk."
"Wow, so fired."
"And that you're the kindest, most selfless, most genuine and generous people I have ever met in my life. I told her you two have everything and you'd give it all away to help someone if they needed it. I said you were the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and my life is better because of you two."
"Wow." Sam whispered. "Thank you, Zora."
"Thank you."
"Thank you." Melody said as she wiped her eyes. "This...this means so much to me, to all of us. John, I know you're the worst dad ever, but you obviously did something right."
"Hey!"
"Oh, you know you're the worst." Dean said as he rolled his eyes. "Cheap slut."
"Whatever." John grumbled. "Bobby's fat."
"How very dare you, grandpa!" Ollie said as he shook his head. "A gweat American hero!"
"Eh. He's okay in small doses."
Melody was really completely overcome, but as Sam suspected, she was a beautiful crier. Back in the day before million dollar fundraisers and wearing around the house crowns, Sam had always heard that money couldn't buy happiness and he still believed that because real happiness didn't come from things. That said money made things a lot easier and Sam knew that because of the generosity of people all over the world there were going to be some kids that were very happy and more importantly safe.
After a few more tears, from both Melody, and Mary, it was time to really say goodbye. Melody promised to drive safe with all the cookies and Zora assured Sam that she'd supervise Anthony wrapping the baskets, since he was a total screw up. It was really sad to see them go, but it had been a great weekend and Melody was a fantastic new friend to have.
"Well."
"Well what?" Sam asked as he watched Melody drive away. "Why are you looking at me with that face?"
"This is just how my face looks." Dean said. "Well?"
"What?"
"How does it feel?"
"Baby, I told you you're still tight as ever even after repeated pluggings."
"I meant raising the money for those kids...and thank you!"
"Not bad. I think we can do better."
"How did I know that was coming? What's the plan?"
"Well." Sam said before he leaned in close. "We're just going to have to take sexy pictures of you until we get a good one."
"Oh?" Dean grinned. "What'd you have in mind?"
"I wanna make your face look like a Jackson Pollock."
"Like you don't already have a hundred pictures like that."
"Wouldn't hurt to get one more."
"Dad!" Dean yelled. "Watch the kids!"
Dean grabbed Sam by the hand and practically drug him upstairs where they did a very artistic and very sexy photo shoot. Sam wasn't sharing any of those pictures with anyone, but he did decide that raising money wasn't enough. He wanted to do more, but he wasn't sure what that was just yet. All he really knew for sure was that people needed help, he had the means to help them, and for as long as he could he was going to do everything in his power to make the world a better place for everyone.
Title: Break The Internet.
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen,
Rating :R
Words10,000/3,658,900
Warnings: Wincest
Summary: Sam and Dean break the internet.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard
As a parent the last thing anyone wanted to deal with was their child having a problem. Dean had dealt with many of his children's problems and had dealt with them rather easily, but every couple of month something would come up that left him scratching his head and wondering what the hell he was supposed to do. The most recent head scratcher came courtesy of Evan who was in no way satisfied with his core strength or muscle definition.
To be fair to all those involved Evan looked like someone had shot Sam with a shrink ray. Not only did him and Ethan look incredibly similar, but they were built the same. Ethan was satisfied with a trim stomach and didn't much care about core strength at all, but Evan wasn't satisfied even though his stomach was a lot more defined than Dean's and Dean was in pretty good shape, maybe not as good as Sam, but still, he looked hot as hell with his shirt off.
"I can just stay like this for the rest of the day." Evan groaned. "Then I'll be ripped."
"Evan." Dean said as he rung his hands. "Please stop that."
"Daddy, calm down. I want to be shredded."
Dean looked over at Sam and silently pleaded for assistance, but he just shrugged and went back to his god damned baking. Bitch had been baking for like a month and a half and Dean was over it. He was over Evan too, or at least watching Evan balance on his forearms upside down with his back flat against the wall. Every few seconds he'd lower himself and then raise right back up, which was nerve-wracking. It was made even worse by the fact that he was in the kitchen where he could crack his baby skull against the stone tiles.
"You're going to crack your baby skull open!"
"Oh, I am not. Daddy, I have to be strong in case I get AIDS."
"What! Sam! Get your ass in the laundry room right now!"
"I'm baking." Sam said innocently. "I can't just stop baking."
"The hell you can't." Dean said under his breath. "What the fuck, Sam?"
Sam tried to act innocent and for a second it seemed like he was trying his best to disappear into the forty-eight pounds of dough he was working with, but Dean wasn't having it. He walked right over, gabbed Sam roughly by the arm and yanked him all the way into the laundry room where they could have some privacy. It was mostly private in there except for the presence of the cat who was taking a crap and none too pleased that he was being disturbed. That cat was a jerk though so Dean ignored him and the weird pooping faces he made.
"What the fuck!"
"Okay." Sam said calmly. "To be fair to me..."
"Why does he think he's going to get AIDS!"
"Someone, not saying it was me, but someone, probably dad, not me, let him watch some movie on Netflix about all these dancers with AIDS."
"What the hell kind of Angelina Ballerina episode was that!"
"It was set in the 80s I think? Evan was confused about why the phones had cords and why the jeans were so dumpy."
"Why would you let him watch that?"
"He asked if he could watch a ballet movie and before I knew it he asked me if I had AIDS."
"Oh, you better not!"
"Really, Dean?"
"You get your ass back out there and get him to stop doing...stuff."
"God, calm down. You're so worked up. Go get a condom and we can do it."
"Where the hell am I supposed to get a condom from, you dumb cum slut?"
"Rude." Sam said as he walked away. "Accurate, but very rude. No cake for you."
"We talking real cake or your ass?"
"Both. I was even going to let you eat real cake off my ass but not anymore."
Sam walked out of the laundry room and back to the kitchen with his high tight ass higher in the air than usual, then the freaking cat did the same. At least Sam hadn't dropped a bomb in the litter pan and then made a mess kicking crap all over the place. Because he absolutely hated the litter pan Dean scooped out the crap, tossed it in the garbage and then sprayed down the entire laundry room with Lysol. It took about a minute or so and when he walked back into the kitchen Evan was upright and assisting with the cookies, like he was supposed to.
"Anyway." Sam was saying. "That movie took place in the 80s."
"What is that, daddy?"
"It was a magical time long, long ago when Popples roamed freely, hair defied gravity, and everything was like two bucks."
"And faggots got AIDS."
"Evan!" Dean said as he rushed over. "Never say that word again. We have gay friends."
"Do you have any faggot friends?"
"Evan!" Dean yelled. "Sam, see what you did? Don't ever say that word again, it's not very nice. It's what mean people say. Do you want to be mean?"
"I just don't want to get AIDS."
"Baby, you're not going to get AIDS." Sam said as he squatted down. "You're going to grow up and be the greatest dancer in the world. Now let's forget about that movie, okay?"
"Okay, daddy."
"Thank God." Dean sighed. "I left the house for like an hour and..."
"Daddy!" Mikey yelled as he walked into the room. "Ethan called Mary a faggot and now she's crying."
"Are you freaking kidding me, Sam! You're unbelievable."
"You didn't tell me Ethan watched that movie with you."
"We do everything together except poop." Evan shrugged. "I figured you knew."
"You're really giving dad and run for the money in the father of the year contest."
Dean was more pissed off than he had been in a long time. He understood that Sam started planning Christmas on the 26th of December, but not monitoring what Ethan and Evan were watching was inexcusable. There was no telling what they could have gotten themselves into and if there was some movie about dancing gay guys with AIDS, Dean was positive there had to be at least one scene of buttfucking, which was totally inappropriate.
As Dean exited the kitchen Mary's anguished sobs got even louder. He found her in the family room sobbing in Ollie's arms. She was never much of a cryer, but when she got upset, she really got into it. Ethan was standing by looking sheepish and when Dean snapped his fingers he immediately retreated to the other side of the room and stuck his nose in the corner.
"Shh." Dean said as he picked Mary up. "It's okay, Ethan didn't mean it."
"Who?" Mary asked as she looked up. "The lady is going, daddy!"
"Wha...you're not upset that Ethan called you a name?"
"I don't listen to him!" Mary screamed. "The pretty lady is going home!"
"Whas a faggot anyway?" Ollie asked. "Might be good for me."
"No! No one is going to be a faggot."
"I like it." Milo said. "Hey faggot daddy!"
"Oh, my God."
"Daddy, I want to be a pretty lady."
"Lord Jesus take the wheel." Dean whispered. "Damn Sam and his hyper virility."
There were only so many things Dean could deal with at once. After making sure Ethan knew he was banished to the corner until Passover, Dean carried Mary out of the room so they could look for Melody. It was Sunday and she was headed back home because she had work. Dean thought they all came to an understanding about how she had to go, but Mary had either forgotten or decided to do whatever she could to stop her from going.
The real problem wasn't that Melody was leaving, it was that Mary had gotten a peek at her putting on makeup and she wanted to be pretty. Seeing as how she was already the most beautiful child in all of existence, Dean forbid it and Mary got very upset. Still, Dean didn't want to see her upset, he couldn't handle her being upset and if a little makeup was going to make her feel better he was going to turn her over to Melody and hope she didn't come back looking like one of those little tramps Ollie had slaughtered at the hooker baby sparkle festival.
"Oh, no." Melody said as Dean approached her open door. "What's wrong, honey?"
"I want to be pretty."
"You're already the prettiest little girl I've ever seen!"
"I have a princess dress."
"Melody is going to do your makeup for you." Dean said as he sat her on the bed. "Then you can put on your princess dress and watch a princess movie."
"With Woah?"
"Yes, I'll force him to watch a princess movie with you."
"Yay, daddy!"
"Don't put any weird goop on her." Dean told Melody. "And no weave."
"I left all my weave at home."
"Good. Where's your other half?"
"Sam sent her to buy more butter."
"Oh, Jesus." Dean sighed. "Have fun with Melody, baby."
"I love you, daddy!"
Dean smiled and kissed Mary on top of her head and then went to deal with Ethan. When he got to the living room Ethan was missing in action and Ollie immediately ratted him out like a good boy. As soon as Dean had left with Mary, Ethan had made a beeline for the kitchen where Sam could protect him. He was sorely mistaken if he thought that was going to happen, because Sam was in more trouble than anyone else.
Dean found everyone in the kitchen, but he didn't immediately start cracking skulls and busting asses. Sam had stopped baking momentarily and was holding Ethan like he was a baby and Evan was tearing up another pomegranate. Dean had no idea where the hell he kept getting them from, but he only got to enjoy them for a limited time each year so he had to get it while the getting was good. He was really going to town on that thing, like Sam did whenever there happened to be an ass available.
"It's okay." Sam whispered to Ethan. "Daddy's here."
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm comforting our child. It's called daddying, look it up."
"Why are you holding him? He's a big boy."
"I'm just so upset about that movie, daddy. I know you were busy baking for Twinmas, but someone, possibly grandpa, should have supervised us."
"I know, baby, it's okay."
"Or someone else, if they weren't busy shopping and wearing tight jeans."
Dean looked down at his jeans and saw that there was some bulge definition and maybe a glimpse of head. He reached into his underwear and rearranged himself as to not further distract anyone, but he wasn't getting rid of his favorite jeans just because they were tight. They made his ass look fantastic and even Alex had been caught checking out the delicious goods and Alex usually only went for young jailbait ginger meat.
"I know." Sam said again. "It's my fault. I knew grandpa is the worst and that daddy was too busy shopping with his nuts hanging out like some cheap slut. I should have stopped what I was doing to supervise you even if it meant not getting the cookies done before Zora and Melody leave."
"First of all, don't bring my nuts into this and shall I see what I recorded on my phone last night to determine who's the slut."
"Moving on." Sam said quickly. "And delete that!"
"Secondly, I wasn't out shopping, I was getting all the crap you asked for."
"If you got Tahitian vanilla beans, I swear to God, I will drag you to hell."
"Tahitian!" Evan scoffed. "You might as well just fart in the cookies."
"Organic Tongan vanilla beans. You're welcome, by the way, they were super easy to find."
"Thank you, sweet husband. Looks like someone earned himself a face full of cake."
"Oh, yeah?" Dean grinned. "Alright."
"Oh, I was talking about me."
"You kinky sonofa..."
"Daddy!" Evan said as he shook his head. "That's inappropriate."
Sam winked and darted his tongue out of his mouth very quickly before licking his lips. That kinky bastard was on an ass rampage lately, and while Dean wasn't going to complain about it, he was also going to get himself a taste too. After all, Christmas wasn't Christmas unless you spent at least twenty minutes a day with your tongue inside someone else's ass. That was what Alex had always said anyway and he was a teacher, so Dean trusted him.
Before anyone could get eaten like a pomegranate Sam had to finish up the cookies for the baskets, and Dean had to do a little damage control. Ethan was apprehensive about walking over when called, but he eventually came after Sam gave him a kiss and swatted him on the butt. He sat down at the table next to Evan and made the most disgusted face when he saw the sorry state of the pomegranate massacre. Just to smooth things over Dean got him a little stack of Oreos and then got comfortable to tell them both an unconventional Christmas story, all about the 80s and AIDS. Neither of them seemed particularly interested anymore, and Sam, who had come over to get a better listen looked confused, which was adorable because he was so dumb.
"So..." Ethan said before he scratched his head. "It's a flu that you get in your butt."
"Yes. Exactly."
"And when you fart it's your butt sneezing?"
"Yep. See, those people were hugging each other real hard and that's how you get AIDS."
"Dean." Sam said. "Really?"
"Oh, they were also maybe sharing juice boxes. But don't worry, lucky for us the 80s and my chubby phase are long over.
"Okay." Sam sighed. "Listen, you know adults have sex with each other."
"Oh, yeah, sex." Evan nodded. "Putting your wiener in places."
"Exactly. You have to have safe sex or you can get sick. The movie you watched was from before we knew that, now we know better, but as a reminder, you're barely six years old. You don't have to worry about sex until you're thirty, like we agreed on."
"I want to put my wiener in someone's ear."
"Good job, Sam. Your son wants to give someone brain damage."
"Wieners don't go in ears. Especially yours. It's not going to fit, trust me, I've tried."
"Oh, daddy." Evan said as he shook his head at Dean. "Is that why you have funny ears?"
"Yes."
Evan comforted Dean by patting his hand and then trying to push his ears flat against his head. He got pomegranate juice all over the place, but Dean didn't mind. He appreciated the efforts to fix his hideous sex deformed ears. Ethan and Evan seemed to understand Sam's explanation a little bit better than they had Dean's, but it still wasn't something they should have been worried about. Even worse, now Dean was going to have to sit through some dumb gay ballet movie to see just how scarred his precious babies were.
"So." Dean said once Ethan and Evan were occupied with snacks. "What caused this uncharacteristic lapse of judgment."
"I had a special problem."
"Is your ass bleeding again?"
"No!"
"Then what could be more important than keeping our children safe from sodomites?"
"I was learning what the kids call the social media."
"I thought we had a faggot to handle that for us."
"Anthony said he'd do it, but I'm a big boy."
"You sure the hell are." Dean grinned. "And what exactly was so pressing that you had to tell your devoted acolytes?"
"Well, Melody has that organization she works with and they need money, right?"
"Yeah."
"So I told Anthony to set up one of those fundraising things, the kind the celebrities with way too much money already use to finance their terrible movies."
"Go on..."
"Then I took a picture of me baking, posted it to the instagram, and linked to the fundraiser."
"Just you baking?"
"Okay, I was wiping flour off my face with my tummy showing a little. Little bit of the treasure trail."
Dean whipped out his own phone, tried in vain to understand instagram, and then finally took Sam's phone from him. In the picture Sam's entire stomach was exposed and he was using his shirt to remove a very carefully placed smear of flour from across his chin. It looked like he had just taken a load in the face, which was so totally deliberate. He had a look of bewildered ecstasy on his face and he was just barely biting his bottom lip. Dean knew the whole thing was very carefully posed, because no one looked like they were getting fucked while baking, but everyone else thought it was candid.
"You posted this a half hour ago and there are almost a million likes already?"
"Yep. I'm really pretty."
""Making a mess while baking. This holiday season support my favorite worthy cause""
"I figured out how to add a link."
"Holy fuck!"
"Daddy!" Evan whispered. "Language!"
Dean clicked on the link which brought him to the fundraising page. Anthony had done a good job setting it up. There was a picture of the building in the city, a short bio, and a little ticker on the top right of the page. It had been under an hour and Sam's immense influence had already raised almost two million dollars. Two million was chump change for getting to see him looking all sexy, but still, that could help a lot of people.
"Oh, two million. I guess people just hate me."
"Seriously, Sam?"
"I thought it'd be higher."
"You just made two million dollars for acting like a slut, and you usually do that for free."
"If I was a woman you wouldn't slut shame me."
"Yes, I would! That's like my whole thing! Did you tell Melody about this?"
"No, I want it to be a surprise. Come on, get that bowl off the top shelf so your underwear shows a little. Give me your phone."
"What the hell!"
If there was one thing Dean absolutely did not do it was get things off the top shelf. He had married a sasquatch specifically to keep him from having to endure that kind of humiliation. However, to help kids who needed it, Dean decided to play along. He reached as far as he could and didn't protest too much when Sam pulled his jeans and underwear down just a tiny bit to expose a little ass cleavage. For someone who had no idea how instagram worked he certainly did get that picture out there without a problem. It was sort of classy and Sam had cropped it so no one would know he couldn't reach the top shelf.
"And now we text Beyonce and ask her to post something and we'll really get some money."
"Sammy, I'm glad you've exposed our kids to gay sex for a worthy cause."
"I'm no hero."
"Didn't say you were."
"You were thinking it." Sam smiled. "You love me."
"Yes, I do."
"Hey, you two." Sam said. "I need to talk to daddy alone. Evan, wash up before you go near the furniture."
"Okay, daddy."
Evan took way too long getting his hands and face free from the dark red pomegranate juice, but once he had left with Ethan, Dean was ready for some kind of special treat. He didn't know what it was going to be, but he was a good boy and he deserved something sweet.
"I made this cupcake just for you."
"Oh, yeah?" Dean grinned. "I like sweet treats."
"I know, you do, baby."
Sam unzipped his jeans, pulled down his underwear, and proceeded to smash the cupcake into his crotch. That was a picture that really would have raised some money, but Dean thought it best he just keep it between the two of them. Seeing Sam smeared with so much glossy white frosting and cake was absolutely obscene, and Dean loved every second of it.
"Oh, baby."
"Get on your knees." Sam ordered. "Clean up this mess."
"Yes, daddy."
The cupcake was fantastic, but once Dean was done cleaning it all up he got something much, much sweeter.
When all of Sam's baking for the holiday gift baskets was done he was absolutely exhausted. It had been a lot of work to get everything done, but he was officially finished and everything was packed into the backseat of Melody's car. When she got back to Westport with Zora all Anthony had to do was pick up the boxes, finish packing the baskets, wrap them up and call the courier. Ideally Sam would have preferred to do it, but he had to make sacrifices to have his special Christmas in Vermont. Anthony had been trained well and Sam had no doubt that the baskets would be perfect.
After the car was packed and the kitchen was clean Sam plopped down on the living room sofa so he could relax. That lasted about thirty seconds because as soon as he sat down a swarm of children descended on him. Milo climbed him to sit on his shoulders, Ethan sat right next to him and Evan crawled in his lap. Sam didn't mind, but he was kind of hoping he might be able to drift off for a few minutes which was sort of impossible with his baby parrot on his shoulder. Still, sleep was for the weak and Sam hadn't spent much time with anyone besides Evan all weekend.
The kids were on what seemed like the 42nd Christmas movie of the day and they were all very intently watching. Mikey and Ollie were on their floor with their respective animals and Mary was very properly sitting in one of the chairs constantly fluffing up her Cinderella dress. Most kids had to make due with shit from the Disney store, but Mary's princess dresses were all handmade. She was feeling extra pretty after her makeover which consisted of pink nails and toenails, blush, lip gloss, and a light dusting of sparkly eye shadow. She looked absolutely precious and Sam didn't care what Dean said, she was getting some play makeup for Christmas.
Just when Sam was finally feeling comfortable there was a rather loud knock at the door. Of course Sam was the only adult around to answer it, but he just couldn't make himself stand up. He waited a few seconds hoping someone else had heard the door, but when a second knock came he gave up and sighed dramatically.
"Mikey, can you get that?"
"Really?" Mikey asked as he stood up. "What if I get molested?"
"We've been over this, use your freaky devil powers and tell them no."
"Oh, right."
Sam wasn't too concerned about Mikey getting molested, mostly because molesters rarely knocked and he could see the door from where he was sitting. Just to be on the safe side Ollie went with him, though Sam wasn't entirely sure how that was any better than him going alone. As soon as Mikey pulled the door open John made a surprise appearance so Sam sent him over there to deal with whoever the hell had decided to interrupt his sitting on the sofa time.
Because John was over there Sam turned his attention back to the movie and the rest of the kids who were all completely unconcerned with whoever was at the door. Sam didn't really care either until he glanced over and saw John leading three men into the living room. At that point Sam immediately removed Milo from his shoulders and stood up. There was one huge white guy, and even bigger black guy, and a very small short guy holding a pretty large black box. They were all dressed in suits and Sam was a little nervous, especially when he noticed there was a lock on the front of the box.
"Sam, these guys are here for you." John said awkwardly. "That's what Mikey said at least."
"They said they have a delivery for you." Mikey announced. "Questo è il mio padre"
"Mille Grazie!"
The short man holding the box snapped at the big white guy who immediately dug in his pocket and produced a rainbow swirled lollipop and handed it to Mikey. He looked cautious, but he accepted it anyway and put it in his pocket. Ollie in turned kicked the black guy in the foot and held out his hand earning himself his own lollipop. If either of them thought they were eating candy from strangers, even Italian strangers, they were sorely mistaken.
"Who is this from?"
"Ah." The short man said. " Questo è un regalo di Natale dal signor Giorgio Armani, dalla casa di Armani."
"It's a Christmas present from Giorgio Armani and the house of Armani."
"Oh...okay, well...thank you!"
"Siamo quindi onorati di avere a come parte della nostra famiglia. Speriamo che voi rimanere per molti anni!"
"Mmhmm!"
Sam nodded and then smiled awkwardly when the man with the box set it down on the coffee table and then kissed him full on the lips. Of course that would be the exact moment Dean came back from putting Buster down for his nap. He tore ass into the living room and started shouting in Italian and then, true to form, kissing the short man back when he was done. They had a freaking long ass conversation that ended with the man handing over a beautifully engraved black envelope with Sam's name on it.
"Addio!" Dean called as John escorted the men out. "Sposarsi a Natale!"
"What the hell was that!"
"Oh, that short guy came from Italy to deliver your Christmas present. He's never been here before but he said there are a lot of trees and that Mary is pretty."
"Okay..."
"Those big guys were security."
"Why security?"
"He said to read the letter."
"Open it daddy!" Evan said as he felt all over the box. "It's spy stuff!"
"It does look like spy stuff. I feel like James Bond."
"Come on, Sammy, gotta be better than the car, right?"
"I...guess?"
Sam sat back down on the sofa and took out the letter which thankfully was almost entirely in English. Sam didn't care how famous he got, there were still some things that he thought were fucking cool. Getting a handwritten letter from one of the most important people in fashion was pretty high up on his list. The letter was very flattering and it mostly just thanked Sam for another year as the face of the company and for another record breaking year. Sam wasn't too sure he had much to do with that considering how little he was involved, but his cologne was always sold out, so that had to mean something.
"What's this say at the bottom in Italian?"
"Uh." Dean said as he squinted. "Heavy is the head that wears the crown."
"I hope it's shoes." Sam grinned. "What's the combination?"
"33589."
"Daddy, can I do it!"
"Go ahead, buddy. For helping me bake."
Evan was so excited that his hands were shaking as he went to line up all the numbers. Sam was pretty excited too and he was really hoping for shoes, even though the box was a little too big for just one pair of shoes, maybe there were two, or perhaps a piece of artwork for the house. Whatever it was, Sam was very grateful that they had thought of him and he was sure it would be perfect.
The box clicked open when Evan slid the last number in to place causing him to jump back a little. Since it was Sam's present, he opened the lid and then proceeded to nearly crap himself. The box was lined in black velvet and custom made to protectively cradle the crown inside. It was fairly large, made of what looked like platinum and dotted with an obscene number of gems. Sam withdrew it carefully and for a moment he could barely breathe because he had never seen anything so beautiful.
"Holy shit." Dean whispered. "How much money did you make them?"
"I have no idea."
The crown, which looked to be either new or in remarkable shape, was composed of twisted laurel leaves in one big circle. The gems were inset into the thick band around the base and they were insanely glittery. Sam had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do with a crown, especially one that was so incredibly heavy. It had to weigh ten pounds at least and he couldn't imagine how much it had cost.
"What are you supposed to do with a crown?" John asked. "You're not going to wear it are...and it's on your head."
"Oh, daddy!" Mary smiled. "Like a fairytale prince!"
"Yeah?" Sam grinned. "It's crushing my head, and I have a huge head."
"That's a good crown." Ollie nodded. "I know crowns."
"Take a lap, Sammy." Dean said. "You know you want to."
"Maybe just a quick one around the living room to try it out."
Sam knew there weren't very many people running around in crowns anymore, but he had a newfound respect for anyone that did. Not only was the crown heavy and awkward feeling, but it was also incredibly uncomfortable. None of those things really mattered though because Sam was almost positive it wasn't a wearing around the house and waving at people crown. It was one of those things that the super rich bought their super rich friends just because they could. It was a very nice gesture and Sam thought the crown would look very nice on display somewhere in the house, perhaps in a custom made cabinet.
Just when Sam was about to make a second lap around the living room he spotted Michael hopping down the stairs two at a time. He wasn't paying any attention at all and nearly slammed right into Sam when he reached the bottom. Luckily Sam managed to stop him in time at which point Michael apologized and then took notice of the crown. He looked confused at first and then downright indignant.
"Now who bought him a crown? That's like giving an alcoholic some Wild Turkey!"
"You know, you're awfully opinionated for someone who doesn't have a crown."
"Why you talking to the ceiling?"
"Oh, I don't make eye contact with pedestrians." Sam laughed at he stared at the wall. "Too royal and such and whatnot. Hence."
"You're the king of lies!"
"Milo, please use your freaky devil powers to dispatch Mifoo."
"No, daddy!"
"Your king commands you."
"I love Mifoo!"
"What I'm hearing is that you love Mifoo more than your daddy, Super King Sammy."
"I dunno." Milo shrugged. "I like turtles!"
"Hmm." Sam nodded. "Quite."
"Okay, pain in the ass." Dean said as he walked over. "Take that thing off before you go mad with power."
"As if that would happen."
"That's guaranteed to happen." Michael said. "Wearing a fancy crown like..."
"Chocolate milk to whoever beheads Michael first!"
"Hey!"
"This ho ain't loyal."
"What you called me!"
Sam dramatically rolled his eyes and decided that he was going to make wearing a crown a thing. He was a big time trendsetter and he was pretty sure it would only take two or three public appearances before everyone was sporting their own crown at the dentist or to go to Trader Joe's. Before he could do that Sam had to punish all those who had wronged him and disrespected him as supreme overlord of the universe and he was just about to kill Michael when Dean walked over and snatched the crown right off his head.
"Aww!" Sam frowned. "Now I can't kill anyone because it'll be murder."
"You were really gonna kill me! Dad! He was gonna kill me!"
"A show of force will make sure everyone knows I'm not weak. Come on, let me kill you in front of everyone."
"No! Grandpa!"
When Michael tried to get away Sam grabbed him by the arm and blew raspberries all over his neck. He struggled and hissed and said a few cotton pickin' cusses, but Sam ignored him and kept on kissing him. When Michael finally managed to break free he sprinted across the living room to hide by John, who proceeded to blow raspberries on his neck and kiss all over him. It wasn't the show of force Sam had in mind, but it did seem to inspire loyalty in the rest of the kids.
"Where's your other old man?" John asked. "The less attractive one."
"Taking a nap."
"Why's he doing that?" Dean asked. "Did he overexert himself?"
"I'm sure if he had he would have sent you several inappropriate text messages about it."
"To the smartphone!"
Dean put the crown back in it's special box and then dashed off to find his phone. Sam was tempted to put the crown back on, but he already had a slight headache so he closed the box, spun the combination lock, and then plopped back down on the sofa. Ethan and Evan crawled back on top of him, but Milo kept his distance and he was giving Sam the glaring of a lifetime. It was absolutely precious and Sam decided that later on he was going to bite Milo on his butt.
"What's wrong, baby?"
"Where you got that from?"
"Oh, well you know how daddy's the world's greatest super model?"
"Go on..."
"I am the only thing keeping the economy from total shutdown, by driving young impressionable homosexuals to spend money they don't have so they can smell like me, and in a way, get into my pants."
"I will get your pants!"
"Your butt is too petite and round for my pants."
"I will buy the fancy stuff!"
"Milo." Evan said. "You can't afford fancy crowns. You already got daddy a much better present for Christmas. Remember?"
"I got the..." Milo said before he paused. "Brother, tell me!"
When Ollie leaned over and whispered into his ear Milo's face got very serious and then he nodded in approval. Sam thought it was adorable that he didn't want him to get presents from anyone else, but Evan was right. Whatever his sweet baby had picked out for him was better than ten crowns.
"You can keep your things, daddy."
"Well, thank you. Now come sit by me so we can watch this movie. There just enough room for your cute little butt right here."
"It's a good butt!"
Milo ran right over and snuggled in nice and close. There wasn't much room for Dean, but he remedied that by putting Ethan on his lap. It was so nice to relax for a little bit, but Sam never really liked downtime. He couldn't think of anything he absolutely had to do, but he knew there was something, there was always something. When he reached for his phone Dean slapped his hand and shook his head, but Sam just couldn't sit and watch a movie, he had to see what the hell was going on with the world.
"Holy hell!"
"What?" Dean asked. "What's more important than watching this stupid movie with our kids?"
"Six million." Sam said as he held up his phone. "Can you believe that!"
"Wow, you're really popular."
"I guess I am. Oh, look the picture of you has over a million likes!"
"I'm gorgeous. What about Yonce?"
"Well, she's doing her best. Oh, I guess...that person we don't talk about posted about it too."
"Lady Gaga?"
"What!" Ethan screamed. "What happened with Lady Gaga!"
Sam narrowed his eyes and thought about asking Milo to kill for him again. He specifically didn't say the G-word because he knew Ethan would completely lose his shit. He was still lobbying hard to have Lady Gaga as a Christmas present, but Sam wasn't having it. He appreciated the post, but he wasn't a fan. Unfortunately Ethan was a super fan and Evan wasn't far behind.
"She uh...she wore something ridiculous."
"It's called fashion, daddy."
"I think, as the world's greatest supermodel, I know what fashion is."
"Are you the world's greatest supermodel?" John asked. "You know, like for real?"
"Obviously."
"Grandpa, calm down." Ethan said as he climbed off Dean's lap. "Daddy, Lady Gaga is my spirit animal."
"I thought that was the honey badger."
"I can have two. Are you going to get Lady Gaga to come to the Christmas party?"
"She's busy."
"Sam." Dean said without looking over. "Your nose is growing and it's still weird and sorta piggy."
"You're lying!" Ethan gasped. "I feel humiliated and betrayed. Evan is probably going to have a complete psychotic breakdown and his crazy doctor doesn't even live here."
"Mark told me if I have a complete psychotic breakdown I can call him whenever I want."
"No one is having a complete psychotic breakdown and no one is crazy."
"Ethan." Dean said as he pulled him back into his lap. "I'm going to get you Lady Gaga for Christmas."
"Daddy, I love you, and you're great at serving looks, but how are you going to get Lady Gaga?"
"Serving looks?" Dean asked. "Anyway. I can do stuff."
"I don't think Lady Gaga is going to let you touch her butt."
"Ethan, I can do things without touching butts."
"Well...now I don't know what's real life anymore."
"Dean." Sam said before clearing his throat. "Perhaps it'd be in everyone's best interest to not make any promises you can't or won't be allowed to keep."
"So, no one believes I can get Lady Gaga here for Christmas?"
"I do, dad!"
"Oh, shut up you kiss ass!"
"How dare you!" Michael yelled at Sam. "Of all the nerve!"
To be fair, it wasn't like Sam doubted Dean's ability to do anything especially when it came to the kids, but if he promised something and didn't deliver, they were never going to hear the end of it. One day in the very distant future, long after Sam had been cryogenically frozen he just knew Ethan would be sitting around surrounded by grandchildren still talking about how he had been lied to and that one Christmas where his whole life was ruined. Evan got over stuff, but Ethan never would and Sam wasn't going to hear about it for the next sixty or so years.
"I'll show you!" Dean said as he moved Ethan and sat up. "Mikey, get me my conversation hat."
"You left it at home."
"Then get me a beer!"
Sam rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically as Mikey and Dean sped off towards the kitchen to have a totally appropriate middle of the day beer. Sam would have stopped them both, but he doubted Dean was going to be able to just dial up Lady Gaga, he didn't have that kind of clout, and more importantly that bitch didn't even have a crown. Michael didn't have a crown either, which was probably why he was giving Sam the stink eye from across the living room.
"What? Stop looking at me."
"Oh, I'm sorry that you can't handle me serving face."
"Don't come for me!"
"You'll never be glamour."
"Oooh!" Ethan hissed. "Shade!"
"I do love a bit of shade." Evan said as he looked over. "Michael, I love your outfit."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yes, I wouldn't wear it, but it's cute for you."
"Ooooh!" Ollie yelled. "Yasss!"
"What the hell is going on?" John asked. "What's happening?"
"Grandpa, I told you to calm down." Ethan said. "You're getting all..."
"Everyone shut up!" Dean said as he marched back into the room. "Especially you, Sammy."
"What the hell did..."
Dean glared and then pressed his finger to his lips. Mikey was standing next to him and he had a look of bewildered pride on his face. Sam really had no idea what the hell was going on, until Dean held up his phone and tapped the screen. He was in a call with someone and he had just set that shit to speakerphone. Immediately Sam thought about tackling him or at least throwing the phone in the fireplace, but he wasn't quick enough.
"Ethan?"
"Who wants to know?"
"It's Lady Gaga, I heard you and Evan are my number one fans."
"Oh...my...beans." Ethan said as he jumped off the sofa. "Wait a minute, how do I know you're really Lady Gaga? Daddy is a notorious tricker."
"Oh, he is." Mary nodded. "A tricker!"
"Of course it's me."
"I don't know if I'm entirely sure about this."
Sam wasn't so sure either, mostly because Dean had been gone for all of two minutes. The whole thing seemed very suspicious and Sam had serious doubts until that bitch Lady Gaga decided to sing. Ethan promptly had a complete psychotic breakdown, Evan followed suit and Milo jumped up and started to dance around. Sam learned a very important lesson that day and he was never going to doubt Dean again. Ethan was so happy that Sam was just going to have to get over it because whether he liked it or not Lady Gaga was coming for Christmas.
When Melody and Zora were ready to head home, Dean couldn't find Sam anywhere. They had just finished dinner about an hour ago and after they finished cleaning the kitchen Sam disappeared. Dean was a little concerned, because Sam never went somewhere or did anything without announcing it, on account of Milo. If he had to go to the bathroom he had to tell everyone because if Milo realized he was missing and didn't know where Sam was they were all going to be dealing with hell on Earth.
Since Milo hadn't yet noticed that Sam was suspiciously absent, Dean decided not to call attention to it. Instead he checked the bathroom, the laundry room, and even went upstairs to the bedroom. Sam was completely MIA and Dean was starting to get a little worried until he decided to check the office before calling the police and the national guard. The door was shut tight, but Sam was in there, sitting behind the desk with a crazy look in his eyes.
"Sammy, what the hell are you doing?"
"I believe the kids these days call it doing an internets."
"That's not what..."
"I'm checking the fundraiser and my email."
"I'm not talking about that. Why are..."
"I've decided to teach myself the Skype, so I can talk to my best friend Auden and that girl he married."
"We have a serious problem, Sammy."
"With what?"
"Take off that stupid crown, Sammy."
"Pardon?"
"Take it off!"
Sam was sitting at the computer going about his business with that damned crown on his head. Dean wouldn't have been so concerned, but this was the second time he caught Sam wearing the crown and pretending like everything was nice and normal. The first time was before dinner when Sam went to have a bath with Buster. Dean walked in to check on them and Sam was soaking in the tub with the baby on his chest and the crown on his head. Clearly Buster had been traumatized by the whole experience and Dean couldn't have that.
"I earned this crown!"
"No one is saying you didn't."
"I think maybe you're a little jealous." Sam said without making eye contact. "But if I'm the king of the world, that makes you my queen and you're so pretty."
"I am pretty..."
"And I'm king of the world. Super King Sammy."
"Sam, just because you have a crown doesn't make you..."
"Any less humble, I know. I may be a super king, but I'm still just Sam Winchester...ruler of the free world. A paragon of goodness in a world full of..."
"Oh, Jesus." Dean said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know Smeagol wasn't corrupted this quickly."
"I'm not saying I'm Jesus...but I'm pretty close."
"I'm going to kill you."
"Regicide! You know what, go ahead. I don't want to live in a world where my own husbandbrother can't be happy about me finally getting what I deserve. Aaron is happy for me. Aren't you, favorite brother?"
"Yes, Sam."
"What the hell?"
When Dean walked over and looked at the monitor he saw a very tired and annoyed looking Aaron staring back at him. He was sitting on the couch in the barn with Max on his chest and he obviously would have preferred to be doing anything else. Dean could just barely make out Jeremy in the background doing something in the kitchen. He was probably making dinner which Dean thought was sweet. They were just one big happy family and no one had delusions of grandeur or a God complex.
"Hey." Dean said. "What's your wife doing?"
"Cooking tacos."
"For your Mexican baby?"
"You know, you can just call him a baby. You don't always have to call him a Mexican baby."
"Someone's in a mood."
"It's been a...long day."
"What's wrong?"
"Is that Dean! Dean! I'm inside your computer television!"
"What the hell!"
Aaron rolled his eyes and sat back on the couch looking like he was seconds away from passing out. For a second the video on the monitor went all crazy and then Dean screeched like a little girl when he saw some grotesque giant forehead appear out of nowhere. He was worried there might be something D-monic going on, but then the video moved again and he saw James staring back at them like he was looking at someone with six heads.
"Am I doing it right!" James screamed. "Dean, it's me, your grandpa! I'm here with your other grandpa, Henry, my American baby."
"Yeah, you don't have to scream. What's wrong?"
"Well." James said as he sat down next to Aaron. "Ann's best friend's husband got arrested for picking up a whore from New Jersey and paying her to put her finger in his butt."
"The ole Sam Winchester special, I'm familiar."
"Anyway, her friend is obviously devastated. I don't think she's as upset about the finger in the butt as she is about the whore in general. I think if you know it's going to happen then it's okay. I'm okay with that, just let me know."
"Duly noted." Dean sighed. "Wrap it up."
"Oh, anyway, Ann and a few of her friends are going to Mexico, where Max is from..."
"He's not from Mexico, he's from Connecticut."
"Okay, Aaron, calm down." James whispered. "So since Ann finds it appropriate to abandon her child for a week, I'm going to come there. I know you miss Henry and he's the most perfect baby in the world. I'll let you hold him."
"You know I have my own baby, right?"
"Oh, yes, yes. Well, honestly I probably wasn't going to let you hold him. May I come up for the week?"
"Of course."
"Excellent! Okay, I'll be there in five hours. See you then!"
"Wait you're leaving now it's..."
"Let him go." Aaron said quickly. "He's been here all day being a horrible racist."
"He's the ancestor of royalty." Sam said. "He can be racist if he wants. What did he do? Beat up a Polish?"
"No, he just refuses to believe that Max is American. I mean, James is British, and he used to be dead. Pretty sure Max is more American than him."
"Well, probably. Why isn't Jeremy coming to talk to us?"
Aaron squinted his eyes and shook his head at the camera just as Jeremy turned to glare at the mention of his name. He was so far in the background Dean couldn't really tell what was going on, but he seemed a little pissed off. Aaron clearly wasn't in a sharing mood and Dean thought he was going to have to wait to find out what was going on until Jeremy came over and stood behind the sofa so they could both see him on the monitor.
"Jeremy, you look so upset." Sam frowned. "Go take an angry poop."
"No!"
"What's wrong, baby brother? You miss me?" Dean asked. "Not getting enough hugs and kisses."
"Or my dick sucked."
"Jeremy!"
"Uh-oh." Dean said as he backed away from the monitor. "What's uh...going on?"
"Jeremy's angry because I have a child to take care of and I've only stopped everything I was doing to take care of him twice today instead of three times."
"I'm angry because when Carol asked to take him to the library today so we could, I don't know, get more than ten minutes of uninterrupted sleep, you told her no."
"Stop fighting." Dean said. "Zora and Melody are about to leave, we'll call you back later."
Dean absolutely did not have it in him to deal with another fight about Max. Jeremy and Aaron were struggling a little, and while Dean knew everything would be fine, he was worried. Jeremy just wasn't very paternal, which was fine, since he hadn't actually signed up for raising a child, but he was doing his best. Aaron was maybe doing a little too much, and that was saying a lot coming from Dean. Given the circumstances, it was natural that Aaron would be very protective, but he'd have to accept a little help from someone besides Jeremy, who wasn't really into the whole parenting thing to begin with. Carol could help, she wanted to, so did John, but Aaron was just so nervous about letting Max out of his sight.
"And I'm taking this stupid crown."
"Noo!" Sam pouted. "No, Dean, stop, give it back!"
"Oh, my God, you're a grown ass man."
"Give it, come on, don't be a mean bruddah."
"Don't use your sexy voice on me."
"I'll let you pee on me..."
"That's gross." Dean said as he put the crown away. "I want you to do the peeing."
"Well, give me back the crown and..."
"No, Sammy!"
"I'll pee on your face!"
"Wow, you are obsessed with that thing."
Sam raised a naughty eyebrow a couple of times and while the offer was very tempting, Dean decided to pass. First of all, if he wanted to get peed on, he was going to get peed on. Secondly, he had had just about enough of the fucking crown. Sam was moping and pouting, but Dean completely ignored him and snapped his fingers towards the door. Sam grumped and grumbled before grabbing the tablet off the desk and sulking out of the office. Dean grabbed his ass when he passed, but he just whined more like the freaking cat.
In the living room Melody and Zora were packed and ready to go, but they were obviously trying to sneak out with something that didn't belong to them. Mary was ready for bed and hugging onto Melody as tightly as she could. Dean actually had to kind of pry her off at which point she started crying again. She wasn't howling and screeching anymore, but she was upset and it made Dean want to cry too. It also made him want to giggle a little but only because Mary couldn't have cared less that Zora was going and it seemed she had gone to great length to not call her a pretty lady.
"We'll be back." Melody said as she rubbed Mary's back. "And I'll come see you all the time when we're all back in Connecticut."
"Promise?"
"Of course. You be a good girl and Santa will bring you lots of good stuff."
"Okay. Bye pretty lady, bye Mister."
"She's calling me mister now." Zora said. "Did you tell her to do that?"
"She's very astute." Dean said. "Maybe you should throw on some lashes or a little lip gloss."
"I wear makeup everyday! I have on a full face of makeup right now."
"It's not sparkly, daddy." Mary whispered. "Doesn't count."
"She's right. You look like Dan Aykroyd."
"Thanks for having us, guys, I had an amazing time. It means so much to me to be so warmly welcomed and then stuffed full of delicious food all weekend."
"We loved having you." Sam said. "And before you go we just wanted to show you something."
"Don't look at that tablet." Zora said as she shielded Mary. "Dean said the same thing to me and then he showed me a video of that guy who looks exactly like him peeing in the woods."
"Ryan Phillippe?"
"The one with the ears."
"Oooh, okay."
"It's no one peeing." Sam sighed. "Really Dean?"
"I just want to share Jensen's talent with the world."
Sam rolled his eyes and then handed over the tablet, which already had the fundraiser page pulled up. Melody rather cautiously took it, probably because she was expecting Texan cock, but even though it was hard to believe she was getting something much better. The fundraiser link had been tweeted, shared, posted, reposted, like, tumbled, pinned and whatever the hell else the kids were doing these days over and over again. As a result Sam's little good deed had spread far and wide from one side of the world to the other.
"Oh, my God." Melody said as she covered her mouth. "Is this...Are you serious?"
"What is it?" Zora asked. "Is it a penis?"
"Sammy started it this morning."
"I know how much these kids mean to you. They're lucky to have someone like you looking out for them. They deserve as much love and respect as everyone else in our community and they certainly deserve a place where they can go to feel safe and get the help they need."
Sam had guilt because he had put all of his focus on the LBG and sort of forgotten about the T. Dean didn't think he had anything to be guilty about because he already helped so many people, but Sam was going to be dead in the ground before he stopped doing everything he could for all those less fortunate than he was especially if those people happened to be kids. The fundraiser had started out of guilt, but it became more than that. It wasn't just something he did because everyone liked Melody so much either. He did it because he could, because it was the right thing to do, and because he was a good guy.
"This..." Melody said before she shook her head. "This is more money than we've ever had."
"And it's still got a month left."
"Sam, I don't know what to say, I...you were right about them."
"What that bitch had to say?" Dean asked. "She's very judgmental."
"I said that you were both totally weird and that you were a short little bowlegged jerk."
"Wow, so fired."
"And that you're the kindest, most selfless, most genuine and generous people I have ever met in my life. I told her you two have everything and you'd give it all away to help someone if they needed it. I said you were the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and my life is better because of you two."
"Wow." Sam whispered. "Thank you, Zora."
"Thank you."
"Thank you." Melody said as she wiped her eyes. "This...this means so much to me, to all of us. John, I know you're the worst dad ever, but you obviously did something right."
"Hey!"
"Oh, you know you're the worst." Dean said as he rolled his eyes. "Cheap slut."
"Whatever." John grumbled. "Bobby's fat."
"How very dare you, grandpa!" Ollie said as he shook his head. "A gweat American hero!"
"Eh. He's okay in small doses."
Melody was really completely overcome, but as Sam suspected, she was a beautiful crier. Back in the day before million dollar fundraisers and wearing around the house crowns, Sam had always heard that money couldn't buy happiness and he still believed that because real happiness didn't come from things. That said money made things a lot easier and Sam knew that because of the generosity of people all over the world there were going to be some kids that were very happy and more importantly safe.
After a few more tears, from both Melody, and Mary, it was time to really say goodbye. Melody promised to drive safe with all the cookies and Zora assured Sam that she'd supervise Anthony wrapping the baskets, since he was a total screw up. It was really sad to see them go, but it had been a great weekend and Melody was a fantastic new friend to have.
"Well."
"Well what?" Sam asked as he watched Melody drive away. "Why are you looking at me with that face?"
"This is just how my face looks." Dean said. "Well?"
"What?"
"How does it feel?"
"Baby, I told you you're still tight as ever even after repeated pluggings."
"I meant raising the money for those kids...and thank you!"
"Not bad. I think we can do better."
"How did I know that was coming? What's the plan?"
"Well." Sam said before he leaned in close. "We're just going to have to take sexy pictures of you until we get a good one."
"Oh?" Dean grinned. "What'd you have in mind?"
"I wanna make your face look like a Jackson Pollock."
"Like you don't already have a hundred pictures like that."
"Wouldn't hurt to get one more."
"Dad!" Dean yelled. "Watch the kids!"
Dean grabbed Sam by the hand and practically drug him upstairs where they did a very artistic and very sexy photo shoot. Sam wasn't sharing any of those pictures with anyone, but he did decide that raising money wasn't enough. He wanted to do more, but he wasn't sure what that was just yet. All he really knew for sure was that people needed help, he had the means to help them, and for as long as he could he was going to do everything in his power to make the world a better place for everyone.