(no subject)
Title:The Diary of Sam Winchester.
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean
Rating :R
Words: 4300
Warnings: Wincest, spoilers for the 1st season
Summary: Sam's diary from their first year on the road.
Notes:: Although there's a warning for the entire first season, Sam's recollection of the events that took place is pretty far from how they actually happened.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard.
You don't have to ask to friend me, just go for it. We'll make out afterwards.
The Diary of Sam Winchester.
Week one.
Omg. This has totally been the worst week ever. Almost worse than they week I lost my wallet and had to buy that cheap shampoo. I had been in bed for an hour trying to talk to Jess about some problems I’ve been having. First and foremost that weird mole she has in the middle of her forehead? Wtf is up with that thing? I keep cutting ads for dermatologist out of the yellow pages and leaving them around the house but she doesn’t seem to notice. Also, I’ve just about had it with all the beaded curtains everywhere. I can’t even walk through a doorway without getting tangled in one and nearly dying. Do not want. It’s also become clear to me that while she’s nice and everything. Her lack of a penis really disturbs me. At first I was able to ignore it but as time went on, it’s put a real strain on our relationship.
Anyway, as soon as I fell asleep, I heard some noises outside. Seriously, apparently I was never going to get to sleep anyway, so I decided to peep that shit out. It was Dean, who as I remembered does have a penis. Hurrah. We were just about to throw down when Jess walked out, staring at us with her huge third eye.
Turns out dad is missing, that is so like him. So we went to look for him, met some nympho in white, had some tacos and that was that. I missed Dean and his penis, and I like tacos, so everything seemed to be going well.
Then Jess died. :( Sucks. However, this solves all three of my problems, so that’s pretty cool. Plus now I have a reason to rock the emo hair which seemed a little silly beforehand.
<3 Sam
Week Two.
So, let me start this by saying it’s not a good idea to write your name on your brother’s penis, furthermore as hot as the idea of a Wendingo watching you have sex in the woods seems it isn’t, especially when it tries to join in.
Of course Dean made me tell him that while we were flattered and maybe a little curious we’d have to turn him down. I felt bad afterwards! I mean think about it, this poor guy is off alone in the woods, eating people, probably doesn’t even have a computer and if he does, you know they don’t have broadband out in the sticks.
Perhaps in an act of retaliation he kidnapped Dean and some chick. I didn’t get her name but she was totally a carpet muncher. Anyway, Dean told me that before the Wendigo tied him up he made him dance for him. Totally an awesome idea, although I wish I wouldn’t have to threaten his life to get Dean to dance for me.
Sometimes I wish he would do things like that for me without me having to ask first. That would be awesome. I probably should have thought about that before I wrote my name on his penis. He probably won’t be dancing for me for a long time now. :(
Anyway, long story short we saved the day and everything worked out okay.
<3 Sam
Week Three.
So, apparently Dean is still pissed off about the penis writing incident. So much so that he began flirting with some chick. She totally lost interest once I told her he was a pole smoker. At first she didn’t believe me which makes me glad I took all those pictures. You never know when those will come in handy. :)
This week we’re doing something, I don’t even really know. People are drowning or something?
My hair looks really hot today, everyone keeps telling me. They are like “Wow Sam, your hair looks really hot today.” And I’m like “lol yeah I know.”
I’m just piecing this together, but as far as I can tell there’s some sort of giant alligator that keeps eating people. I think his name is Bill. Bill the alligator, that seems right.
To make matters worse, I totally had to pull this naked chick out of a tub. That’s why I shower. You never know when an alligator will creep up through the pipes and try to eat your ass. Especially mine because it is so hot, everyone keeps telling me.
<3 Sam
Week Four.
I’ve been looking everywhere for some pop rocks. Dean swears that if you drink them with a can of coke you’ll explode. I just want to either prove him wrong, or blow myself up. Either way, he’s going to feel pretty stupid afterwards.
I’m totally into Ashlee Simpson this week. I don’t know why, she’s pretty awesome though. I think if Jessica and Ashlee got into a fight Ashelle would win because she’s got that nose that’s probably good for stabbing, but Jessica has those huge knockers although I don’t know if they’d be any use in a fight.
I asked Dean who he thought would win and he told me that Jessica would win because she was older. Then he slapped me in the head. :(
I was totally prepared to pout for the rest of the day but then he gave me hand job. That makes me happy in my pants, although I wish he wouldn’t slap me. I assume it’s some residual rage left over from the penis writing incident. Even though he somehow managed to write his name on my ass and I didn’t notice for like three days.
I was showing my ass to this homeless guy because I felt bad for him and he told me about it. Then he told me that unless I was going to turn tricks to buy him some booze that I should pull my pants up.
Whatever!
Oh, Dean and I joined the mile high club. It was totally hot. :):)
<3 Sam
Week five.
I hate when I have to do shit. Seriously, ideally, I’d just be like walking about letting people look at my ass, but no, the world hates me and this week I found myself having to battle some kind of mirror monster.
It wasn’t all bad. I got to stare at myself and practicing my faces.
First I practiced my “Oh my God, a surprise party for me?” face. I tried to think about how Tyra Banks would critique me. I think I did pretty good. If there was a Top Model for guys? I would totally win that shit. Then I’d actually get famous and not be some pathetic has been.
Then I started practicing my “I’m a hot top” face. It’s kind of like a mix between my surprise party face and my “I’m so angry right now!” face. I think it looks pretty good. Dean says when I use it, he’s pretty scared, so I guess that’s good. I’m totally a hot top.
I’ve also been doing a lot of work on moving my eyebrows around. So I can look curious or sad or like sort of interested. The interested one will come in handy when Dean is talking about stuff I don’t care about. Which is pretty much everything he says.
That’s not true, but I just can’t make myself be interested in some mirror monster. So I’m standing there wondering if my new shampoo is worth the extra fifty cents and this fucking mirror monster makes my eyes bleed. So not cool.
I totally bitched slapped her back to hell. Bleeding eyes don’t look good on anyone, not even me.
<3 Sam
Week Six.
So one of my friends emailed me and apparently her brother is some demented serial killer? Who knew. I didn’t really care but I did want to get her opinion on my hair, also she used to always go on about how hot her boyfriend was, so I was pretty excited about showing off Dean. I tried to get him to wear this little shirt I bought but he called me gay. :(
I was pretty upset, but then we had sex. I totally made sure that he was gayer than me during it, so I don’t care. He still wouldn’t wear the shirt.
So picture this, there’s this shape shifter that made itself look like Dean. I know right. I tried to track him down and see if they’d be willing to skewer me like a kabob but the fucker just tied me up and stole my identity. Wtf. Rude.
It all worked out except Dean is now wanted for murder. He’s such a drama queen sometimes.
<3 Sam
Week Seven
Ugh, another week, another girl trying to get all up on my jock. Dean is pretty jealous, but I sat him down and calmly explained that I have an animal magnetism that is simply irresistible.
He pouted for a while, so I wrote his name on my penis. That really cheered him up. We had sex like 14 times that day.
Anyway, in between the sex we found out about this hooker or something that was killing people. Then we burned a bunch of shit, had sex again and then apparently the day was saved.
Dean was trying to convince me to get his name tattooed on my penis, but I told him it would probably really hurt and I wouldn’t be able to use it for a while. He agreed that wouldn’t work.
I have a pretty awesome penis though.
<3 Sam
Week eight.
I had the best idea to go undercover as homos. Dean told me that I wouldn’t be going undercover at all if we did that, so I fucked him in the ass until he apologized. It took like four tries but eventually he did. What a cockslut.
We’re glorified exterminators this week. There’s some bug problem and people are getting killed and there are some Indians. I haven’t seen any cowboys yet but I’m pretty sure they’re around here somewhere.
I hope they show up because I’ve been looking for a cowboy hat for a while now. Dean says if I buy a cowboy hat he will buy some chaps. I know right? How hot would that be? Pretty fucking hot.
We killed a bunch of bugs then left. Dean wants to buy a house now, so I’ve been looking in the newspaper for one.
<3 Sam
Week Nine.
So I keep having these visions about Dean and I swapping head, then the craziest thing ever…IT KEEPS HAPPENEING.
I’ll be thinking about it and then bam, blowjob. All this time I thought my special power was my hair but I guess I was wrong.
They’re not all about blowjobs though, I had a vision about some chick screaming in her house. I don’t get it, why can’t people just solve their own problems? I’m fully prepared to ignore it, but it’s getting in the way of my sex visions so we go and check it out.
As it turns out, this chick lives in our old house. I told Dean we should ask her to move out so we could live there since it’s technically ours. He told me he didn’t want to live there because they didn’t have a good shower. So it’s back to the paper for me.
The house is haunted or something, so we deal with that and then of course something else goes wrong.
Then mom shows up and I have this moment of perfect clarity. All this time I’ve never understood and now I do. I get my fantastic hair from her.
It just makes so much sense now.
<3 Sam
Week Ten
A haunted asylum? That’s original. Apparently there’s some bat shit crazy doctor and now he’s a ghost and making people crazy. Dean thinks we should investigate even though I obviously don’t want to.
So we get there and of course Dean had to go bat shit crazy and yell at me. Blah blah blah, why do you always do me in the ass, blah blah blah, I’m so butch.
I had to bitch slap him too. I’m so tired of having to bitch slap people. Why does Dean have to be so crazy? I don’t know what his problem is. I think I’m going to buy him a shirt that says “I like to get fucked in the ass.” Then force him to wear it so he can get over his butt fucking issues.
If he refuses I can totally sport a shirt that says “I fuck him in the ass.” With an arrow. Either way, we could share the shirts so it’s like getting two shirts for the price of one and that’s just smart budgeting.
<3 Sam
Week Eleven.
I am so sad. I totally just got dumped. Now my emo hair is doing double duty. Dean and I got in a fight and he left me stranded on the side of the road. Wtf.
I had to show a trucker my dick to get a ride back to civilization. When I tried to tell him what happened with Dean he pushed me out the truck and called me a “brother fucker.” :(!
Just great. Now I’m stranded, I’ve got no where to go and I really want some taquitos.
I meet this chick and before I can even tell her about Dean she blows me off for some guy in a van. If I had a van I would be so awesome, but I don’t have a van. I don’t have taquitos and most of all I don’t have Dean. LL
As usual I end up saving the day after Dean doesn’t answer his cell phone. I steal a car and find him playing kinky tie up games with some underage chick. It was an obvious ploy for my attention.
Then some fucking scarecrow tried to kill my ass. Wtf did I ever do to him? Nothing, that’s what.
Dean and I made up, which was totally awesome. We made up in the car, in a bathroom, and then twice at the motel.
<3 Sam
Week Twelve.
:(!
What a week for me. Even though we made up, Dean was still trying to get my attention and now he’s almost dead. Typical.
Luckily I was smart enough to beat off for an old blind guy who agreed to heal him, so now he’s better than ever. I don’t know why the old blind guy wanted me to beat off for him, but whatever, I was planning on beating off anyway, so it’s not that big of a deal.
Dean was pretty pissed off when I told him, so I had to beat off for him too. Needless to say after beating off so many times I was pretty tired. I tried to take a nap but Dean kept insisting that there was something going on. I beat off for him again but he wouldn’t let it go.
As it turns out the old guy was married. Oh snap. The wife was pretty pissed that I beat off for her husband and tried to kill Dean.
Whatever! I’d just go beat off for someone else to save him. What a bitch.
<3 Sam
Week Thirteen.
Oh hell no. I’m so pissed. Like, really really pissed. After I beat off for Dean like fifteen times he still wanted to go check on some bitch he used to screw. How fucked up is that? I nearly died of dehydration trying to keep him alive and he just wants to go help this chick because it’s the right thing to do.
The best part? She’s worried about some sort of killer truck. You know how many times I’ve used the killer truck excuse to get dick? Like at least three times.
Sometimes I wonder how stupid Dean is because he falls for it every time. Without fail, I’ll say “I think that truck is trying to kill me!” and he’ll fuck me. I’m not about to let some bitch steal my line. So I agree to go.
Now let me tell you, I was totally prepared to bitch slap this chick. She was trying to get boned since we showed up. I was so pissed I almost went out and rented a truck to run her ass over. But I didn’t because you have to be over twenty five to rent a car. Seriously, why is the whole world against me?
I nearly shit a brick when Dean told me she tried to get in his pants. Apparently they just rolled around and he told her he couldn’t get it up because he smoked marijuana. Which is a total lie because as soon as we left there we did it eight times.
I documented it, via night vision film and sent it to her. What a bitch.
<3 Sam
Week Fourteen
My sex visions are fucked up again. I’ll be minding my own business, enjoying a vision of getting sexed in a tire swing and bam, dead person. It’s really annoying.
So we track down this kid, after having a little fun with some casual clergyman role playing and as it turns out, he’s a brain freak too. This bitch tried to kill Dean because he wanted the Samster so bad.
Seriously, why do people always try to kill us. I can’t help but think that if they just got to know us, this wouldn’t be a problem. At least with me. I’m very likeable.
Fucking special kids. I’m over them.
<3 Sam
Week Fifteen
*sigh* I got my dumbass kidnapped by the hill folk from Deliverance. At first I thought “That’s pretty hot.” Even being thrown in a cage seemed promising, but when I realized they were going to hunt my sweet ass down The Most Dangerous Game style, I had to reconsider.
There’s another guy here and he keeps telling me to shut up while I try to explain how this whole kidnapping really screwed up my schedule, since I had finally found a pair of chaps for Dean. He’s jealous. I hope his dumbass gets eaten.
I assume they’re eating people. It’s typical, I almost get either killed or eaten every week. Imagine my relief when Dean saves me. I’m pretty pissed he’s not up for a little through the cage action, but whatever. I can understand that.
<3 Sam
Week Sixteen.
The chick I met a few weeks ago? Totally evil. I should have seen it. Who has a haircut like that and isn’t evil? Furthermore, she wasn’t interested in hearing about Dean and I. Obviously evil, but I missed it because of my grief.
Another week, another crazy bitch trying to kill us. She went flying out a window, and I can only assume she’s dead now. Awesome.
We get back to the motel to cap off a job well done with some casual buttsex and who should appear but dad.
Seriously, this is not what I need. It’s pretty awkward especially since I was totally ready for sex, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.
Anyway, some crazy shadow fuckers come out of nowhere and guess what? They try to kill us. I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I save the day because I am awesome, then dad leaves and honestly I’m pretty happy because we can finally have sex.
<3 Sam
Week Seventeen
I’ve been trying to convince Dean that we should have our own reality show. It would be so awesome. Lots of people would watch because I’d walk around without my shirt off and bend over a lot. Dean thinks it would be stupid. I told him we could call it The Dean Show Featuring Sammy but he still wasn’t interested.
All I want in the world is to become rich and famous and be the envy of men and women everywhere. If I don’t get my own television show, how am I supposed to do that? I can see it now. If we had our own show, people would be in love with us and devote all their time to writing stories about us fucking and baking cakes and buying curtains and stuff. That would be fucking sweet.
Dean thinks it would be weird, but mostly, I think he’s just scared to admit to how much of a fame whore he really is.
I was so absorbed in becoming a big fucking star that I had no idea what we were doing. There was a house that was haunted (yes another one!) but then it wasn’t haunted but as it turns out it was? I’m over it.
There are two guys here who keep trying to get into my pants. Come on now. I don’t think so.
<3 Sam
Week eighteen.
When I was a kid, some kind of he-witch apparently tried to eat me. If I can get through one week without narrowly avoiding death, or being some sort of appetizer I’d be happy. I’d also be happy if I could find some of that crazy cheese in a can. Cheese in a can, that’s an awesome idea.
Some kid called us homos, Dean was pretty pissed. I don’t know why, he’s totally a homo. He totally made me a homo too. He say’s that’s not true, but I’m pretty sure I’m more rooted in reality than he is.
Anyway, this man witch is apparently running around stealing kids souls so he can stay young and hung, which I get, I totally do. Luckily I am already young and hung but if I wasn’t I could totally justify eating a few kids.
<3 Sam
Week Nineteen
I’m trying to find Dean a pimp hat, since apparently that’s what he is, as he thought it was a great idea to pimp me out to some chick. I got all tarted up in a leather skirt and fishnets when he told me that’s not the idea he had in mind. Honestly, I think part of it was.
This chick is like a gallery owner or something and something is haunted. I don’t really pay attention to things people say unless they’re about me, so I was just trying to wing it.
Of course, it wouldn’t be right if something didn’t try to kill me. This time it was some little girl from a painting. Sometimes I have to wonder, if things are going to kill me, why can’t they be the tiniest bit realistic.
Like how cool would it be if a big ass bear tried to kill me. I would be like “Get back you beast.” Then slap it. I’d slap that bear right in his stupid bear face.
That would be so fucking cool.
This chick made out with me for saving her life. I was so tempted to say “Listen bitch, how about you not handle haunted paintings and I won’t have to take time out of my life to save your dumbass.”
I knew if I didn’t say anything, Dean would get jealous and remind me of my place, and frankly, that shit turns me on.
<3 Sam
Week 20.
Fucking vampires. :(
Dad showed up again. Fucking cock blocker. Something about a haunted gun, more vampires, more cock blocking. What bullshit.
<3 Sam
Week 21.
So the evil bitch with the haircut? So not dead. Apparently, she’s got girl wood for the magic gun. I can understand that, it is pretty shiny. Dean wants to go after the demon that killed mom, and I’m down with that. I do owe her for my fantastic hair.
So we find him, I try to shoot him, of course he gets away. If I could just turn myself into crazy smoke, I’d be much better off. I’m going to try and work on that. If I was like that smoke monster from Lost, how much ass would I kick. That’s right. A lot.
<3 Sam
Week 22.
Now the evil chick is holding Dad hostage, so we have to go save him. Luckily the demon that was in the evil chick got exorcised which is good because no one should have a haircut like that.
We find dad and save him, because we are awesome, but surprise surprise he’s possessed with the demon that killed mom. Seriously does this guy have nothing better to do. I kind of think he’s got a hard on for me and that’s why he keeps showing up. I’d totally fuck a demon to get him off my case.
He tries to kill us (color me shocked.) but dad comes to the rescue begging me to kill him. Now as much as he’s been cock blocking me lately, I just can’t shoot him. Dean’s screaming something (probably about buttsex) So I just shoot him in the leg causing the demon to fly off to wherever it is demons go.
I think it’s somewhere in New Jersey, I’m not really sure, nor do I really care. I’m just glad that he’s gone and I can get back to doing what I do best, having awesome hair and brother fucking.
Dean and dad are pretty fucked up, most likely just an excuse so they don’t have to drive. Typical.
I’m feeling pretty good about myself, I mean I totally shot that fucker in the leg and saved the day and managed to look pretty hot while doing it.
They’re arguing about what to do next but I tune them out, blasting Ashlee Simpons La-La in my head because seriously, what else could possibly go wrong?
<3 Sam
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean
Rating :R
Words: 4300
Warnings: Wincest, spoilers for the 1st season
Summary: Sam's diary from their first year on the road.
Notes:: Although there's a warning for the entire first season, Sam's recollection of the events that took place is pretty far from how they actually happened.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard.
You don't have to ask to friend me, just go for it. We'll make out afterwards.
The Diary of Sam Winchester.
Week one.
Omg. This has totally been the worst week ever. Almost worse than they week I lost my wallet and had to buy that cheap shampoo. I had been in bed for an hour trying to talk to Jess about some problems I’ve been having. First and foremost that weird mole she has in the middle of her forehead? Wtf is up with that thing? I keep cutting ads for dermatologist out of the yellow pages and leaving them around the house but she doesn’t seem to notice. Also, I’ve just about had it with all the beaded curtains everywhere. I can’t even walk through a doorway without getting tangled in one and nearly dying. Do not want. It’s also become clear to me that while she’s nice and everything. Her lack of a penis really disturbs me. At first I was able to ignore it but as time went on, it’s put a real strain on our relationship.
Anyway, as soon as I fell asleep, I heard some noises outside. Seriously, apparently I was never going to get to sleep anyway, so I decided to peep that shit out. It was Dean, who as I remembered does have a penis. Hurrah. We were just about to throw down when Jess walked out, staring at us with her huge third eye.
Turns out dad is missing, that is so like him. So we went to look for him, met some nympho in white, had some tacos and that was that. I missed Dean and his penis, and I like tacos, so everything seemed to be going well.
Then Jess died. :( Sucks. However, this solves all three of my problems, so that’s pretty cool. Plus now I have a reason to rock the emo hair which seemed a little silly beforehand.
<3 Sam
Week Two.
So, let me start this by saying it’s not a good idea to write your name on your brother’s penis, furthermore as hot as the idea of a Wendingo watching you have sex in the woods seems it isn’t, especially when it tries to join in.
Of course Dean made me tell him that while we were flattered and maybe a little curious we’d have to turn him down. I felt bad afterwards! I mean think about it, this poor guy is off alone in the woods, eating people, probably doesn’t even have a computer and if he does, you know they don’t have broadband out in the sticks.
Perhaps in an act of retaliation he kidnapped Dean and some chick. I didn’t get her name but she was totally a carpet muncher. Anyway, Dean told me that before the Wendigo tied him up he made him dance for him. Totally an awesome idea, although I wish I wouldn’t have to threaten his life to get Dean to dance for me.
Sometimes I wish he would do things like that for me without me having to ask first. That would be awesome. I probably should have thought about that before I wrote my name on his penis. He probably won’t be dancing for me for a long time now. :(
Anyway, long story short we saved the day and everything worked out okay.
<3 Sam
Week Three.
So, apparently Dean is still pissed off about the penis writing incident. So much so that he began flirting with some chick. She totally lost interest once I told her he was a pole smoker. At first she didn’t believe me which makes me glad I took all those pictures. You never know when those will come in handy. :)
This week we’re doing something, I don’t even really know. People are drowning or something?
My hair looks really hot today, everyone keeps telling me. They are like “Wow Sam, your hair looks really hot today.” And I’m like “lol yeah I know.”
I’m just piecing this together, but as far as I can tell there’s some sort of giant alligator that keeps eating people. I think his name is Bill. Bill the alligator, that seems right.
To make matters worse, I totally had to pull this naked chick out of a tub. That’s why I shower. You never know when an alligator will creep up through the pipes and try to eat your ass. Especially mine because it is so hot, everyone keeps telling me.
<3 Sam
Week Four.
I’ve been looking everywhere for some pop rocks. Dean swears that if you drink them with a can of coke you’ll explode. I just want to either prove him wrong, or blow myself up. Either way, he’s going to feel pretty stupid afterwards.
I’m totally into Ashlee Simpson this week. I don’t know why, she’s pretty awesome though. I think if Jessica and Ashlee got into a fight Ashelle would win because she’s got that nose that’s probably good for stabbing, but Jessica has those huge knockers although I don’t know if they’d be any use in a fight.
I asked Dean who he thought would win and he told me that Jessica would win because she was older. Then he slapped me in the head. :(
I was totally prepared to pout for the rest of the day but then he gave me hand job. That makes me happy in my pants, although I wish he wouldn’t slap me. I assume it’s some residual rage left over from the penis writing incident. Even though he somehow managed to write his name on my ass and I didn’t notice for like three days.
I was showing my ass to this homeless guy because I felt bad for him and he told me about it. Then he told me that unless I was going to turn tricks to buy him some booze that I should pull my pants up.
Whatever!
Oh, Dean and I joined the mile high club. It was totally hot. :):)
<3 Sam
Week five.
I hate when I have to do shit. Seriously, ideally, I’d just be like walking about letting people look at my ass, but no, the world hates me and this week I found myself having to battle some kind of mirror monster.
It wasn’t all bad. I got to stare at myself and practicing my faces.
First I practiced my “Oh my God, a surprise party for me?” face. I tried to think about how Tyra Banks would critique me. I think I did pretty good. If there was a Top Model for guys? I would totally win that shit. Then I’d actually get famous and not be some pathetic has been.
Then I started practicing my “I’m a hot top” face. It’s kind of like a mix between my surprise party face and my “I’m so angry right now!” face. I think it looks pretty good. Dean says when I use it, he’s pretty scared, so I guess that’s good. I’m totally a hot top.
I’ve also been doing a lot of work on moving my eyebrows around. So I can look curious or sad or like sort of interested. The interested one will come in handy when Dean is talking about stuff I don’t care about. Which is pretty much everything he says.
That’s not true, but I just can’t make myself be interested in some mirror monster. So I’m standing there wondering if my new shampoo is worth the extra fifty cents and this fucking mirror monster makes my eyes bleed. So not cool.
I totally bitched slapped her back to hell. Bleeding eyes don’t look good on anyone, not even me.
<3 Sam
Week Six.
So one of my friends emailed me and apparently her brother is some demented serial killer? Who knew. I didn’t really care but I did want to get her opinion on my hair, also she used to always go on about how hot her boyfriend was, so I was pretty excited about showing off Dean. I tried to get him to wear this little shirt I bought but he called me gay. :(
I was pretty upset, but then we had sex. I totally made sure that he was gayer than me during it, so I don’t care. He still wouldn’t wear the shirt.
So picture this, there’s this shape shifter that made itself look like Dean. I know right. I tried to track him down and see if they’d be willing to skewer me like a kabob but the fucker just tied me up and stole my identity. Wtf. Rude.
It all worked out except Dean is now wanted for murder. He’s such a drama queen sometimes.
<3 Sam
Week Seven
Ugh, another week, another girl trying to get all up on my jock. Dean is pretty jealous, but I sat him down and calmly explained that I have an animal magnetism that is simply irresistible.
He pouted for a while, so I wrote his name on my penis. That really cheered him up. We had sex like 14 times that day.
Anyway, in between the sex we found out about this hooker or something that was killing people. Then we burned a bunch of shit, had sex again and then apparently the day was saved.
Dean was trying to convince me to get his name tattooed on my penis, but I told him it would probably really hurt and I wouldn’t be able to use it for a while. He agreed that wouldn’t work.
I have a pretty awesome penis though.
<3 Sam
Week eight.
I had the best idea to go undercover as homos. Dean told me that I wouldn’t be going undercover at all if we did that, so I fucked him in the ass until he apologized. It took like four tries but eventually he did. What a cockslut.
We’re glorified exterminators this week. There’s some bug problem and people are getting killed and there are some Indians. I haven’t seen any cowboys yet but I’m pretty sure they’re around here somewhere.
I hope they show up because I’ve been looking for a cowboy hat for a while now. Dean says if I buy a cowboy hat he will buy some chaps. I know right? How hot would that be? Pretty fucking hot.
We killed a bunch of bugs then left. Dean wants to buy a house now, so I’ve been looking in the newspaper for one.
<3 Sam
Week Nine.
So I keep having these visions about Dean and I swapping head, then the craziest thing ever…IT KEEPS HAPPENEING.
I’ll be thinking about it and then bam, blowjob. All this time I thought my special power was my hair but I guess I was wrong.
They’re not all about blowjobs though, I had a vision about some chick screaming in her house. I don’t get it, why can’t people just solve their own problems? I’m fully prepared to ignore it, but it’s getting in the way of my sex visions so we go and check it out.
As it turns out, this chick lives in our old house. I told Dean we should ask her to move out so we could live there since it’s technically ours. He told me he didn’t want to live there because they didn’t have a good shower. So it’s back to the paper for me.
The house is haunted or something, so we deal with that and then of course something else goes wrong.
Then mom shows up and I have this moment of perfect clarity. All this time I’ve never understood and now I do. I get my fantastic hair from her.
It just makes so much sense now.
<3 Sam
Week Ten
A haunted asylum? That’s original. Apparently there’s some bat shit crazy doctor and now he’s a ghost and making people crazy. Dean thinks we should investigate even though I obviously don’t want to.
So we get there and of course Dean had to go bat shit crazy and yell at me. Blah blah blah, why do you always do me in the ass, blah blah blah, I’m so butch.
I had to bitch slap him too. I’m so tired of having to bitch slap people. Why does Dean have to be so crazy? I don’t know what his problem is. I think I’m going to buy him a shirt that says “I like to get fucked in the ass.” Then force him to wear it so he can get over his butt fucking issues.
If he refuses I can totally sport a shirt that says “I fuck him in the ass.” With an arrow. Either way, we could share the shirts so it’s like getting two shirts for the price of one and that’s just smart budgeting.
<3 Sam
Week Eleven.
I am so sad. I totally just got dumped. Now my emo hair is doing double duty. Dean and I got in a fight and he left me stranded on the side of the road. Wtf.
I had to show a trucker my dick to get a ride back to civilization. When I tried to tell him what happened with Dean he pushed me out the truck and called me a “brother fucker.” :(!
Just great. Now I’m stranded, I’ve got no where to go and I really want some taquitos.
I meet this chick and before I can even tell her about Dean she blows me off for some guy in a van. If I had a van I would be so awesome, but I don’t have a van. I don’t have taquitos and most of all I don’t have Dean. LL
As usual I end up saving the day after Dean doesn’t answer his cell phone. I steal a car and find him playing kinky tie up games with some underage chick. It was an obvious ploy for my attention.
Then some fucking scarecrow tried to kill my ass. Wtf did I ever do to him? Nothing, that’s what.
Dean and I made up, which was totally awesome. We made up in the car, in a bathroom, and then twice at the motel.
<3 Sam
Week Twelve.
:(!
What a week for me. Even though we made up, Dean was still trying to get my attention and now he’s almost dead. Typical.
Luckily I was smart enough to beat off for an old blind guy who agreed to heal him, so now he’s better than ever. I don’t know why the old blind guy wanted me to beat off for him, but whatever, I was planning on beating off anyway, so it’s not that big of a deal.
Dean was pretty pissed off when I told him, so I had to beat off for him too. Needless to say after beating off so many times I was pretty tired. I tried to take a nap but Dean kept insisting that there was something going on. I beat off for him again but he wouldn’t let it go.
As it turns out the old guy was married. Oh snap. The wife was pretty pissed that I beat off for her husband and tried to kill Dean.
Whatever! I’d just go beat off for someone else to save him. What a bitch.
<3 Sam
Week Thirteen.
Oh hell no. I’m so pissed. Like, really really pissed. After I beat off for Dean like fifteen times he still wanted to go check on some bitch he used to screw. How fucked up is that? I nearly died of dehydration trying to keep him alive and he just wants to go help this chick because it’s the right thing to do.
The best part? She’s worried about some sort of killer truck. You know how many times I’ve used the killer truck excuse to get dick? Like at least three times.
Sometimes I wonder how stupid Dean is because he falls for it every time. Without fail, I’ll say “I think that truck is trying to kill me!” and he’ll fuck me. I’m not about to let some bitch steal my line. So I agree to go.
Now let me tell you, I was totally prepared to bitch slap this chick. She was trying to get boned since we showed up. I was so pissed I almost went out and rented a truck to run her ass over. But I didn’t because you have to be over twenty five to rent a car. Seriously, why is the whole world against me?
I nearly shit a brick when Dean told me she tried to get in his pants. Apparently they just rolled around and he told her he couldn’t get it up because he smoked marijuana. Which is a total lie because as soon as we left there we did it eight times.
I documented it, via night vision film and sent it to her. What a bitch.
<3 Sam
Week Fourteen
My sex visions are fucked up again. I’ll be minding my own business, enjoying a vision of getting sexed in a tire swing and bam, dead person. It’s really annoying.
So we track down this kid, after having a little fun with some casual clergyman role playing and as it turns out, he’s a brain freak too. This bitch tried to kill Dean because he wanted the Samster so bad.
Seriously, why do people always try to kill us. I can’t help but think that if they just got to know us, this wouldn’t be a problem. At least with me. I’m very likeable.
Fucking special kids. I’m over them.
<3 Sam
Week Fifteen
*sigh* I got my dumbass kidnapped by the hill folk from Deliverance. At first I thought “That’s pretty hot.” Even being thrown in a cage seemed promising, but when I realized they were going to hunt my sweet ass down The Most Dangerous Game style, I had to reconsider.
There’s another guy here and he keeps telling me to shut up while I try to explain how this whole kidnapping really screwed up my schedule, since I had finally found a pair of chaps for Dean. He’s jealous. I hope his dumbass gets eaten.
I assume they’re eating people. It’s typical, I almost get either killed or eaten every week. Imagine my relief when Dean saves me. I’m pretty pissed he’s not up for a little through the cage action, but whatever. I can understand that.
<3 Sam
Week Sixteen.
The chick I met a few weeks ago? Totally evil. I should have seen it. Who has a haircut like that and isn’t evil? Furthermore, she wasn’t interested in hearing about Dean and I. Obviously evil, but I missed it because of my grief.
Another week, another crazy bitch trying to kill us. She went flying out a window, and I can only assume she’s dead now. Awesome.
We get back to the motel to cap off a job well done with some casual buttsex and who should appear but dad.
Seriously, this is not what I need. It’s pretty awkward especially since I was totally ready for sex, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.
Anyway, some crazy shadow fuckers come out of nowhere and guess what? They try to kill us. I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I save the day because I am awesome, then dad leaves and honestly I’m pretty happy because we can finally have sex.
<3 Sam
Week Seventeen
I’ve been trying to convince Dean that we should have our own reality show. It would be so awesome. Lots of people would watch because I’d walk around without my shirt off and bend over a lot. Dean thinks it would be stupid. I told him we could call it The Dean Show Featuring Sammy but he still wasn’t interested.
All I want in the world is to become rich and famous and be the envy of men and women everywhere. If I don’t get my own television show, how am I supposed to do that? I can see it now. If we had our own show, people would be in love with us and devote all their time to writing stories about us fucking and baking cakes and buying curtains and stuff. That would be fucking sweet.
Dean thinks it would be weird, but mostly, I think he’s just scared to admit to how much of a fame whore he really is.
I was so absorbed in becoming a big fucking star that I had no idea what we were doing. There was a house that was haunted (yes another one!) but then it wasn’t haunted but as it turns out it was? I’m over it.
There are two guys here who keep trying to get into my pants. Come on now. I don’t think so.
<3 Sam
Week eighteen.
When I was a kid, some kind of he-witch apparently tried to eat me. If I can get through one week without narrowly avoiding death, or being some sort of appetizer I’d be happy. I’d also be happy if I could find some of that crazy cheese in a can. Cheese in a can, that’s an awesome idea.
Some kid called us homos, Dean was pretty pissed. I don’t know why, he’s totally a homo. He totally made me a homo too. He say’s that’s not true, but I’m pretty sure I’m more rooted in reality than he is.
Anyway, this man witch is apparently running around stealing kids souls so he can stay young and hung, which I get, I totally do. Luckily I am already young and hung but if I wasn’t I could totally justify eating a few kids.
<3 Sam
Week Nineteen
I’m trying to find Dean a pimp hat, since apparently that’s what he is, as he thought it was a great idea to pimp me out to some chick. I got all tarted up in a leather skirt and fishnets when he told me that’s not the idea he had in mind. Honestly, I think part of it was.
This chick is like a gallery owner or something and something is haunted. I don’t really pay attention to things people say unless they’re about me, so I was just trying to wing it.
Of course, it wouldn’t be right if something didn’t try to kill me. This time it was some little girl from a painting. Sometimes I have to wonder, if things are going to kill me, why can’t they be the tiniest bit realistic.
Like how cool would it be if a big ass bear tried to kill me. I would be like “Get back you beast.” Then slap it. I’d slap that bear right in his stupid bear face.
That would be so fucking cool.
This chick made out with me for saving her life. I was so tempted to say “Listen bitch, how about you not handle haunted paintings and I won’t have to take time out of my life to save your dumbass.”
I knew if I didn’t say anything, Dean would get jealous and remind me of my place, and frankly, that shit turns me on.
<3 Sam
Week 20.
Fucking vampires. :(
Dad showed up again. Fucking cock blocker. Something about a haunted gun, more vampires, more cock blocking. What bullshit.
<3 Sam
Week 21.
So the evil bitch with the haircut? So not dead. Apparently, she’s got girl wood for the magic gun. I can understand that, it is pretty shiny. Dean wants to go after the demon that killed mom, and I’m down with that. I do owe her for my fantastic hair.
So we find him, I try to shoot him, of course he gets away. If I could just turn myself into crazy smoke, I’d be much better off. I’m going to try and work on that. If I was like that smoke monster from Lost, how much ass would I kick. That’s right. A lot.
<3 Sam
Week 22.
Now the evil chick is holding Dad hostage, so we have to go save him. Luckily the demon that was in the evil chick got exorcised which is good because no one should have a haircut like that.
We find dad and save him, because we are awesome, but surprise surprise he’s possessed with the demon that killed mom. Seriously does this guy have nothing better to do. I kind of think he’s got a hard on for me and that’s why he keeps showing up. I’d totally fuck a demon to get him off my case.
He tries to kill us (color me shocked.) but dad comes to the rescue begging me to kill him. Now as much as he’s been cock blocking me lately, I just can’t shoot him. Dean’s screaming something (probably about buttsex) So I just shoot him in the leg causing the demon to fly off to wherever it is demons go.
I think it’s somewhere in New Jersey, I’m not really sure, nor do I really care. I’m just glad that he’s gone and I can get back to doing what I do best, having awesome hair and brother fucking.
Dean and dad are pretty fucked up, most likely just an excuse so they don’t have to drive. Typical.
I’m feeling pretty good about myself, I mean I totally shot that fucker in the leg and saved the day and managed to look pretty hot while doing it.
They’re arguing about what to do next but I tune them out, blasting Ashlee Simpons La-La in my head because seriously, what else could possibly go wrong?
<3 Sam