(no subject)
Sam,
Of all the things I never thought I’d do, it’s write a letter to myself. It makes sense, though, and I almost wonder if I’ll have one waiting for me on the other side. Or maybe Jess will have figured out that something was off and she’ll just tell me everything. I bet, actually, that that would be a lot easier.
From what I can grasp of your life here, and they aren’t telling me a whole lot, you’ve not had it easy. Not like me. Most of my life has been spent knowing that I wouldn’t be like Dean. Don’t do things like Dean, because he’s going to fuck everything up. Dad liked me more. And Dean was always a mommy’s boy, but even there, she’d get frustrated sometimes. Now that Dad’s gone and Mom’s alone, I’ve gotten closer to her. She’s lonely sometimes. I bet you won’t even get to talk to her. She doesn’t know the house number because we never use it; I keep trying to get Jess to get rid of it, but she says it’s good for emergencies. You might remember how easy it is to let her get what she wants. She doesn’t ask for a lot.
That’s getting way from the point.
I wanted to say that even if I’ve had it easy, I admire what you’ve managed here. I can’t imagine losing Jessica and trying to move on after that. I can’t imagine being close with Dean. I hate him, most of the time. Sometimes, he’s my brother and I need to bail him out-sometimes literally, sometimes not-but usually, I can’t stand him. I didn’t meet the Dean you spend time with, but he was different enough that I could tell he was close. He cared about me. He looked out for me. And sure, he had that “I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want” thing about him, but it was different, somehow. It was like it was something I’d understand if I ever tried to be anything other than the guy who wasn’t him growing up.
I’d like to say I’m going to go back and talk to him. I’ll change things. But I don’t think I will. I’ll live with that, knowing that there was something I could’ve had, but it’s on me, too, isn’t it? I never tried.
I’m not going to pretend I know a lot about your life or what you’ve gone through. I know you’ve lost Jessica. I know you fight monsters and you drink a lot, and generally, it doesn’t seem like things have been easy for you. I don’t know what you’ve gone through, so maybe this is what would happen to me. Dean and Jennifer didn’t lay out what your life was for me. I take it to mean that it’s worse than I could ever imagine.
But I’m writing to say that you’ve got some things that I might never have. A will-power I might never have. A brother. A girlfriend who, well, Jessica is perfect and maybe you agree, but Jennifer is high up there. Objectively speaking, I mean. You’re lucky to have someone who loves you as much as she does. I can tell she misses you while you’re gone, and she was looking for that love in me. I think, anyway. It didn’t seem like it was easy for her to say the love thing, especially not to someone who’s basically a stranger. But ... she’s young, so I think she has a hard time, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t like me very much. Just keep loving her. Keep being a good brother to Dean. He seemed to think I was dead, so if he doesn’t normally ... hold on to that. Don’t make my mistakes.
Jessica’s happy in my world, and if I know anything about her, she’ll want you to be happy here. And if you’ve known her for a week, she’ll still want that.
Just try. I don’t know if you are, but it seemed like a good thing to say.
Also, I took one of your shirts. It was off-white and had this weird pattern on the front. I can get the flannel thing, but that? Come on, man. I’m surprised Jennifer didn’t throw that out already.
Have a nice life,
Sam
Of all the things I never thought I’d do, it’s write a letter to myself. It makes sense, though, and I almost wonder if I’ll have one waiting for me on the other side. Or maybe Jess will have figured out that something was off and she’ll just tell me everything. I bet, actually, that that would be a lot easier.
From what I can grasp of your life here, and they aren’t telling me a whole lot, you’ve not had it easy. Not like me. Most of my life has been spent knowing that I wouldn’t be like Dean. Don’t do things like Dean, because he’s going to fuck everything up. Dad liked me more. And Dean was always a mommy’s boy, but even there, she’d get frustrated sometimes. Now that Dad’s gone and Mom’s alone, I’ve gotten closer to her. She’s lonely sometimes. I bet you won’t even get to talk to her. She doesn’t know the house number because we never use it; I keep trying to get Jess to get rid of it, but she says it’s good for emergencies. You might remember how easy it is to let her get what she wants. She doesn’t ask for a lot.
That’s getting way from the point.
I wanted to say that even if I’ve had it easy, I admire what you’ve managed here. I can’t imagine losing Jessica and trying to move on after that. I can’t imagine being close with Dean. I hate him, most of the time. Sometimes, he’s my brother and I need to bail him out-sometimes literally, sometimes not-but usually, I can’t stand him. I didn’t meet the Dean you spend time with, but he was different enough that I could tell he was close. He cared about me. He looked out for me. And sure, he had that “I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want” thing about him, but it was different, somehow. It was like it was something I’d understand if I ever tried to be anything other than the guy who wasn’t him growing up.
I’d like to say I’m going to go back and talk to him. I’ll change things. But I don’t think I will. I’ll live with that, knowing that there was something I could’ve had, but it’s on me, too, isn’t it? I never tried.
I’m not going to pretend I know a lot about your life or what you’ve gone through. I know you’ve lost Jessica. I know you fight monsters and you drink a lot, and generally, it doesn’t seem like things have been easy for you. I don’t know what you’ve gone through, so maybe this is what would happen to me. Dean and Jennifer didn’t lay out what your life was for me. I take it to mean that it’s worse than I could ever imagine.
But I’m writing to say that you’ve got some things that I might never have. A will-power I might never have. A brother. A girlfriend who, well, Jessica is perfect and maybe you agree, but Jennifer is high up there. Objectively speaking, I mean. You’re lucky to have someone who loves you as much as she does. I can tell she misses you while you’re gone, and she was looking for that love in me. I think, anyway. It didn’t seem like it was easy for her to say the love thing, especially not to someone who’s basically a stranger. But ... she’s young, so I think she has a hard time, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t like me very much. Just keep loving her. Keep being a good brother to Dean. He seemed to think I was dead, so if he doesn’t normally ... hold on to that. Don’t make my mistakes.
Jessica’s happy in my world, and if I know anything about her, she’ll want you to be happy here. And if you’ve known her for a week, she’ll still want that.
Just try. I don’t know if you are, but it seemed like a good thing to say.
Also, I took one of your shirts. It was off-white and had this weird pattern on the front. I can get the flannel thing, but that? Come on, man. I’m surprised Jennifer didn’t throw that out already.
Have a nice life,
Sam