It's that or nothing.
I wrote this when it was still in the heat of the moment, in a purple notebook with a black inky pen in mad script. If I had a scanner, Id scan it for you people.
I have now lost faith in the whole male gender, thanks to you. You! You fuck, can't you see what's right in front of you? I cannot fathom why you like her, except for the fact that she's pushy and is used to getting what she wants. But she's annoying, talks alot, has no sense of melancholy, doesn't give a fuck if she's a communist or a capitalist, says rediculous things in class and wears ties for belts. You shit, you make me feel like shit, like an insignificant ameoba and I do not want to take that. You hardly think of me, you take my existance completely for granted, now you've got her so good fucking riddance. You can tell her all your pithy theories about life as you fuck her in the ass. I hope she's a bad fuck.
I hope you fall inlove and then, only then when its too late will you realize what you've become--dependant on her love, middle aged fucker with no hair and lost dreams sitting in your room listening to punk and playing base guitar by yourself because she forced you to get a job in some bank or large corporation and you lost yourself and your ideas.
But yet, I want you to be happy because I like you and you deserve to be happy. But I am jealous that she, she gets what I want, and what I could never have. She gets your body, she gets you to need her. When did you become this sex addict? I miss the you from last year. The Dhali Llama told you to spread love to everyone, not laciviousness.
It shames me to think that I could have ever thought that you were any different from any other male with a dick, you think with your dick when it comes to girls, you twist them around, make them think you hate them so that you wont have to deal with confronting them. Are you that weak? You cannot confront a stupid chick to tell her you like someone else and you want to end it? Are youthat guy that falls for a nice ass and huge breasts with blond hair and fat thighs, the first one to chase after you? Are you that afraid of initiating anything at all?
You dont know me, you never did. You dont know what I think about, what I think of you, of your friends, I keep all that inside, like most things. And it killed me, killed me that you didnt even have the courtosy to introduce me to her, to say, hi, this is my girlfriend Jessica, that you left without saying goodbye to me, without even a glance my way you fled so that she could touch your hip so that you could go home and fuck. I hate that about you. I am not your other friends, your other guy friends, since youseem to have no other girl that is a friend. I want more, although now I dont, considering how you treat your girls without honesty, without balls.
That was the end of what I wrote. I dedicate it to you, Brian.
Anna thinks that I shouldn't let this get in the way of being friends with Brian, but it already has. His complete resistance to initiate anything with me has already ruined it. I have all these new aquaintances, and all they make me feel is more alone than when I was really alone. Everyone with their happy masks on every day, dont they get sick of it? I'm sick of it. People are never what you think they are. All this dissapointment with other people that I've met, I can only hope that I haven't let anyone down. Im pretty sure I have though.
Someone asked me yesterday if I have any enemies.
I dont. I have none.