lots of thoughts
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..I have a journal, I've kept since I was very little, starting about when I could read and write. Well if you wanna call it a journal, it's more like scrap paper and odds and ends of notebooks put together over time..some stained with tears, others with scribbly hearts from silly childhood crushes. I still use it and will reread things when I need to laugh or have the urge to relive a not so good memory..kinda like facing your fears. If someone were to ask me, I would say I suggest everyone have one if they dont have one already, it's a good release and it's a way for you to get rid of all the masses of thoughts that are stirring about in your head. With technology now we have all these online journals and blogs, but they arent real journals. You can vent and write about what you did during the day and people can reply and try and cheer you up, most people do it for attention or to meet others with same interests... but the deep meaningful journal that has all your secrets and deep thoughts should be on paper somewhere that no one else has read. It's also like a token to your mind for others to relive when you are no longer here..there are so many well known books out there based on journals written by ordinary people that have died, and why? Because people are fascinated by others lives, you can get lost in another persons life just by reading things in their own words and views.
I mention all this because I was doing just that today, rereading all my entries and just overviewing things I have been through..I realize life isnt easy, its hard for many people..but after reminiscing on everything, I can say I am proud to be the person I am with all I have gone through. Everyone handles things differently when obstacles come into view, some turn to negative releases such as alcohol, drugs, rage, killing animals..even people. There are others who manage things in different ways, we train our minds to cope in a more socially excepting way..usually leading to supression of emotions, turning into depression sometimes and even resentment towards others, some people may seem extremely bi-polar when trying to deal with the highs and lows of life. I know a lot of people who go into hiding-not physically, but emotionally- because they can't deal with their own minds and emotions, they hide from their thoughts and who they know they really are and put on a front for other people..usually the people who joke around all the time, to the point of being obnoxious. Some people spend money to make them feel better, they find solace and comfort in materialisms and harboring fake or superficial relationships with people so they always have an abundance of choices to turn to when things go wrong.
My problem is I can't bring myself to any of these resolutions when dealing with stress and too many emotions. I am incapable of turning to alcohol because I grew up with alcholics all around me, I was living in such a hostile home because my father was a raging drunk..the things that happened impacted me to the point of despising it..For the longest time I wouldnt drink and now when I do I feel guilty even if its one drink. I try and stay away from it. Drugs I cant turn to because they disgust me, I have been on so much medication my entire life that not only is my tolerance so high but I know too much about drugs and medications and what they do to you. As far as getting angry..I do that. Everyone does once in a while, but my thing is I push people away. I get so fucking tired of explaining myself to the point of frusteration and not being able to get things across the way I want them because my mind is so complex and their arent enough words or time to relate things..so I just walk away, or hang up, or shut people out because I cant stand the ignorance. It's a dilemna of me feeling like I have been through too much to be questioned on every little thing..maybe I do have a sort of superior complex in sorts, I feel like most people dont really listen-they havent been through as much or havent had the same knowledge of things- the never hear anything but what comes out of their mouths, and when you are talking, instead of listening they are trying to come up with a response in their heads of what to say next to you.
This leads me to the point I wanted to make about a certain cycle I keep going in with relationships. I keep a small very close knit group of friends..with me its really all or nothing, I dont waste the effort or energy in harboring relationships with people if I have a doubt or know they wont be there anything less then forever. This is just as true for my family members, and personal relationships. I have such complexity going on with me that I have no desire to open up to new people, because as shown many times in the past it gets to be futile and just wasting my time. It takes so long to really get to know someone inside and out, who wants to keep starting over doing that? I certainly dont..I know this is why some people keep holding onto relationships that were once good now gone bad. It's the comfort in knowing that this person knows everything about you and accepted it all at one point. Perhaps it is why I so easily forgive people who I was once very close to, why I continue to let them hurt me and give me alot less then I deserve, over..and over again, because it is easier in my eyes to try and fix a broken relationship then to find a whole new one and start over. I realize now I give more then I get emotionally. I just need to learn when enough is enough..I have been through way too much to continue letting someone use me as a doormat. To be their when they are lonely and need someone physically, to use me in every way and lead me on but still having a way to dance around important meaninful things..then when the fix is made I get waved away, the sudden urgent "I want to be with you, cant get enough of you, need you here right now" is no longer. And it just repeats. I am too smart to be acting naive about this still..actions speak a hell of a lot louder then words, and since I don't see those actions why should I believe anything less? I shouldnt..
