My Top Ten Pet (Fanfic/Writing in General) Peeves
I'm supposed to be working. We've got big changes tonight. Oooooh~
Actually, I am working. Mostly. I just have to wait a few minutes for the servers to do their thing. So in the meantime, let me educate you all.
My Top Ten Pet Writing Peeves
1. Including foreign languages in stories.
Now, I get that sometimes it's necessary. You want to add in a little flavour, a little sprinkling of exoticism, or even just show off your general knowledge. I really do get it. But, can we please lay down a few ground rules?
If you're writing in a real (i.e. not made up alien/fantasy language), either be able to speak it or can you please get someone who speaks the language to check it for you? Babelfish really doesn't cut it.
More importantly, thought, if you're going to write in a foreign language, stick to your decision. Far too often I have seen something along the lines of:
"Bonjour, ca va?" (Hello, how are you?) he said.
Well, either you're giving the dialogue in French or you're giving it in English, make up your mind. If you don't think your readers will understand, I would rather read,
"Hello, how are you?" he said, in French.
When we dip our toes into the scifi/fantasy genres for ficcing, we come up across the infinite fun that is the random sprinkling of alien terminology. To give you an example I read not an hour ago from a Babylon 5 fic...
... the Anla'Shok Na (Ranger One)... talking to the Sech (Drill Master)...
If you're writing a fic, expect your audience to be familiar with the terminology of said Universe. If you honestly think they might have trouble (maybe the terms, like in this case, come from the Expanded Universe) then include a glossary at the end. Bracketted translations only, in my mind, serve to jar someone out of the story.
Firefly, I'm looking at you and your Mandarin.
2. Author's Notes
Any author who suddenly includes author's notes in the middle of their story (A/N: lol, i said auther twice!!1) should be shot.
It's jarring, completely disrupts the sense of immersion, and makes me reach for the back button. Please just... don't.
3. Life Story (in 100 words)
I don't know why, but authors of series tie-in novels seem to see the need to fill the character's backstory the moment they're introduced onto the page. It's lazy. It's forgetting that the people who are reading this already know it. All it's going to do is make the audience bored. We've seen the series already, now can we get on with this story?
4. GNDN (Go Nowhere, Do Nothing)
I'm all for cute little scenes. Really, I am. But if I read a scene that's, at heart, meaningless filler, I'm going to get bored. When I see whole stories that are this scene, I want to hit my head against the desk until my brain dribbles out of my ears.
You may be surprised to hear me say this, but I'm not actually putting PWPs under this heading. Stuff does get accomplished in those stories. The stuff usually occurs horizontally... or up against a wall, on occasion, but when it's just fluff, why am I wasting time reading it?
5. Premise vs. Plot
I get constantly asked about a particular story of mine that I posted something like three parts of on a mailing list about eight years ago. I'm always asked if it'll ever get finished, and the answer is a resounding no. Only one person ever actually asked me why.
Essentially, I had a premise. It was a Stargate SG1 fic, and the premise was: what if Jolinar had not died in Sam Carter's body?
That was it. That was the premise. And I dutifully bashed out a few thousand words of the beginning of the story. At which point I stopped, and never did anything more with it. Those few thousand words were sufficient to establish the premise, but that was about it.
You buy any sort of writing manual, and they'll tell you all about how plot is conflict, resolution, blah blah blah. Yes, whatever. I happen to think a plot needs to not be so rigidly defined, but that's what I've decided after several years of experimental writing. A premise is an idea, a plot is what you do with that idea.
A premise may grow into a story. It's perfectly fine to have a premise, sit down, start writing, and have a plot grow as you write. I mean, that's basically how my brain works. I tend to start off with a mental image, or a sentence, and the plot grows around it, like the layers of a pearl that an oyster creates to protect itself from an irritant*.
Far too often I see stories which have a great premise, but then forget that you actually need to build a plot around it. My greatest sadness (and, I suppose, greatest thrill) is that the most common comment I receive on my stuff is "great plot!" and "omg, a plot!".
Some stuff is written deliberately low on plot. That's fine. That's what the author set out to achieve. But routinely I see stuff which is just expounding a premise, and we get back to GNDN.
* ooh, I actually really like that analogy
6. HAVE
Would of. Should of. Could of.
HAVE. IT'S HAVE. WOULD HAVE. SHOULD HAVE. COULD HAVE. ABBREVIATED TO 'VE. WOULD'VE, SHOULD'VE, COULD'VE.
HAVE HAVE HAVE
*pants*
7. Epithets
One way to make me giggle faster than anything else these days is the use of epithets.
The man said to the woman, "The Welshman and the Captain are meeting with the Policeman and they're arresting the younger man and the other woman."
The English language has this wonderful thing called Proper Nouns. Feel free to use them at any time.
8. Summaries
Why are you frightened of summaries? My friends, the summary will not hurt you! Who among us has not killed ten minutes in the bookshop, pouring over the blurbs on the backs of books, trying to decide which hooks our interest enough for us to maybe crack open the book and read the first few pages?
Or maybe that's the problem. Libaries are a dying breed, and I'm not sure half the fic-writing world is old enough to be let out to go shopping on their own.
"plz r&r" is not a summary. Also, please do not give away your entire plot in said summary. Congratulations, I've just found out that Character X dies and Character Y turns into an intergalactic octopus. Why do I need to read this now?
9. Unaccountable Squeamishness
You know, if you're going to write an explicit scene, don't suddenly come over all prudish as you're writing it. The prudishness tends to express itself in two ways. Either the authors suddenly goes all 'biology class' and everything has its proper Latin name correctly in place, or they go for some really out there metaphors, as if that'll obscure what's going on.
To this day, my favourite euphemism ever stands as: "he inserted his CD into her CD player". I laughed for five solid minutes.
If you're that squeamish, don't write it. There is a bit of an obligation that I feel some writers are under to include a sex scene. Virtually ever fic you'll read includes it and, after all, isn't the whole reason fic exists to explore possibilities, usually sexual ones, that don't occur in the source material? It would be silly of me to declare that we must never have any sex EVER in fic (because, ok, I've actually read some really quite good sex scenes - I'm as much of a red blooded female as any girl), but I think that authors, especially ones that are new to fandoms and writing in particular, shouldn't feel so compelled to write stuff they're not comfortable with.
I have a button on my desk at work labelled 'Fade To Black'.* It's always an option.
* No, really, I do.
10. Splitting something into 70 parts.
Ok, seriously. If you are writing a fic, and posting it in parts of less than 1000 words at a time, you have mistaken quantity for quality. If, in total, your 83 part opus comes to less than 10,000 words all told, you don't seem to have realised that your scattershot approach to publication is only going to alienate a lot of readers, who will quickly tire of seeing your short GNDN 200 word writing fits clogging up their flist.
Think of publishing on the net as you would any other form of marketing. Someone sends you direct mail fliers in the post, dropping them through your door and onto your mat on a daily basis. I don't know about you, but I actually keep a bin by the door because I get so much crap that is thrown away before I've even glanced at it. People get the same way if they see the same fic on every other post on their favourite comm or website.
It speaks to me of a certain breathless desperation, the need to get the story out the moment the next three paragraphs have been written down. That's not thoughtful, that's not going to be coherent, that's not going to be, in short, something I want to waste my time following. And it doesn't help that the latter half of the notation of "Part 23/70" usually creeps up so that it's "24/75" and "26/80"... etc.
All it's going to do is annoy me.
10a. Said
It's not a bad word. Honest.
Actually, I am working. Mostly. I just have to wait a few minutes for the servers to do their thing. So in the meantime, let me educate you all.
My Top Ten Pet Writing Peeves
1. Including foreign languages in stories.
Now, I get that sometimes it's necessary. You want to add in a little flavour, a little sprinkling of exoticism, or even just show off your general knowledge. I really do get it. But, can we please lay down a few ground rules?
If you're writing in a real (i.e. not made up alien/fantasy language), either be able to speak it or can you please get someone who speaks the language to check it for you? Babelfish really doesn't cut it.
More importantly, thought, if you're going to write in a foreign language, stick to your decision. Far too often I have seen something along the lines of:
"Bonjour, ca va?" (Hello, how are you?) he said.
Well, either you're giving the dialogue in French or you're giving it in English, make up your mind. If you don't think your readers will understand, I would rather read,
"Hello, how are you?" he said, in French.
When we dip our toes into the scifi/fantasy genres for ficcing, we come up across the infinite fun that is the random sprinkling of alien terminology. To give you an example I read not an hour ago from a Babylon 5 fic...
... the Anla'Shok Na (Ranger One)... talking to the Sech (Drill Master)...
If you're writing a fic, expect your audience to be familiar with the terminology of said Universe. If you honestly think they might have trouble (maybe the terms, like in this case, come from the Expanded Universe) then include a glossary at the end. Bracketted translations only, in my mind, serve to jar someone out of the story.
Firefly, I'm looking at you and your Mandarin.
2. Author's Notes
Any author who suddenly includes author's notes in the middle of their story (A/N: lol, i said auther twice!!1) should be shot.
It's jarring, completely disrupts the sense of immersion, and makes me reach for the back button. Please just... don't.
3. Life Story (in 100 words)
I don't know why, but authors of series tie-in novels seem to see the need to fill the character's backstory the moment they're introduced onto the page. It's lazy. It's forgetting that the people who are reading this already know it. All it's going to do is make the audience bored. We've seen the series already, now can we get on with this story?
4. GNDN (Go Nowhere, Do Nothing)
I'm all for cute little scenes. Really, I am. But if I read a scene that's, at heart, meaningless filler, I'm going to get bored. When I see whole stories that are this scene, I want to hit my head against the desk until my brain dribbles out of my ears.
You may be surprised to hear me say this, but I'm not actually putting PWPs under this heading. Stuff does get accomplished in those stories. The stuff usually occurs horizontally... or up against a wall, on occasion, but when it's just fluff, why am I wasting time reading it?
5. Premise vs. Plot
I get constantly asked about a particular story of mine that I posted something like three parts of on a mailing list about eight years ago. I'm always asked if it'll ever get finished, and the answer is a resounding no. Only one person ever actually asked me why.
Essentially, I had a premise. It was a Stargate SG1 fic, and the premise was: what if Jolinar had not died in Sam Carter's body?
That was it. That was the premise. And I dutifully bashed out a few thousand words of the beginning of the story. At which point I stopped, and never did anything more with it. Those few thousand words were sufficient to establish the premise, but that was about it.
You buy any sort of writing manual, and they'll tell you all about how plot is conflict, resolution, blah blah blah. Yes, whatever. I happen to think a plot needs to not be so rigidly defined, but that's what I've decided after several years of experimental writing. A premise is an idea, a plot is what you do with that idea.
A premise may grow into a story. It's perfectly fine to have a premise, sit down, start writing, and have a plot grow as you write. I mean, that's basically how my brain works. I tend to start off with a mental image, or a sentence, and the plot grows around it, like the layers of a pearl that an oyster creates to protect itself from an irritant*.
Far too often I see stories which have a great premise, but then forget that you actually need to build a plot around it. My greatest sadness (and, I suppose, greatest thrill) is that the most common comment I receive on my stuff is "great plot!" and "omg, a plot!".
Some stuff is written deliberately low on plot. That's fine. That's what the author set out to achieve. But routinely I see stuff which is just expounding a premise, and we get back to GNDN.
* ooh, I actually really like that analogy
6. HAVE
Would of. Should of. Could of.
HAVE. IT'S HAVE. WOULD HAVE. SHOULD HAVE. COULD HAVE. ABBREVIATED TO 'VE. WOULD'VE, SHOULD'VE, COULD'VE.
HAVE HAVE HAVE
*pants*
7. Epithets
One way to make me giggle faster than anything else these days is the use of epithets.
The man said to the woman, "The Welshman and the Captain are meeting with the Policeman and they're arresting the younger man and the other woman."
The English language has this wonderful thing called Proper Nouns. Feel free to use them at any time.
8. Summaries
Why are you frightened of summaries? My friends, the summary will not hurt you! Who among us has not killed ten minutes in the bookshop, pouring over the blurbs on the backs of books, trying to decide which hooks our interest enough for us to maybe crack open the book and read the first few pages?
Or maybe that's the problem. Libaries are a dying breed, and I'm not sure half the fic-writing world is old enough to be let out to go shopping on their own.
"plz r&r" is not a summary. Also, please do not give away your entire plot in said summary. Congratulations, I've just found out that Character X dies and Character Y turns into an intergalactic octopus. Why do I need to read this now?
9. Unaccountable Squeamishness
You know, if you're going to write an explicit scene, don't suddenly come over all prudish as you're writing it. The prudishness tends to express itself in two ways. Either the authors suddenly goes all 'biology class' and everything has its proper Latin name correctly in place, or they go for some really out there metaphors, as if that'll obscure what's going on.
To this day, my favourite euphemism ever stands as: "he inserted his CD into her CD player". I laughed for five solid minutes.
If you're that squeamish, don't write it. There is a bit of an obligation that I feel some writers are under to include a sex scene. Virtually ever fic you'll read includes it and, after all, isn't the whole reason fic exists to explore possibilities, usually sexual ones, that don't occur in the source material? It would be silly of me to declare that we must never have any sex EVER in fic (because, ok, I've actually read some really quite good sex scenes - I'm as much of a red blooded female as any girl), but I think that authors, especially ones that are new to fandoms and writing in particular, shouldn't feel so compelled to write stuff they're not comfortable with.
I have a button on my desk at work labelled 'Fade To Black'.* It's always an option.
* No, really, I do.
10. Splitting something into 70 parts.
Ok, seriously. If you are writing a fic, and posting it in parts of less than 1000 words at a time, you have mistaken quantity for quality. If, in total, your 83 part opus comes to less than 10,000 words all told, you don't seem to have realised that your scattershot approach to publication is only going to alienate a lot of readers, who will quickly tire of seeing your short GNDN 200 word writing fits clogging up their flist.
Think of publishing on the net as you would any other form of marketing. Someone sends you direct mail fliers in the post, dropping them through your door and onto your mat on a daily basis. I don't know about you, but I actually keep a bin by the door because I get so much crap that is thrown away before I've even glanced at it. People get the same way if they see the same fic on every other post on their favourite comm or website.
It speaks to me of a certain breathless desperation, the need to get the story out the moment the next three paragraphs have been written down. That's not thoughtful, that's not going to be coherent, that's not going to be, in short, something I want to waste my time following. And it doesn't help that the latter half of the notation of "Part 23/70" usually creeps up so that it's "24/75" and "26/80"... etc.
All it's going to do is annoy me.
10a. Said
It's not a bad word. Honest.