I'm not sure if you wanted just comments or constructive crit, but I figured I'd try. :)
That's a nice kind of snapshot scene of the twins and typical snow play. Why does Murphy always want to be the first in the snow, other than the fact that it's fun? That could be a really interesting exploration. :)
And, by the way, you probably don't have to put "Connor's POV" in the beginning; it's clear by the way they interact that it's him. Also, "steal blue eyes" -- did you mean "steel"? "Steal" seems appropriate to when describing Murphy ;) but then it'd be a structure problem.
Also, "steal blue eyes" -- did you mean "steel"? "Steal" seems appropriate to when describing Murphy ;) but then it'd be a structure problem.
it was 1 am forgive me lol i meant steel. and I may write something later about Murph always wanting to be first but it was just a quick thing i wrote and the Connor's POV at the top was for my bennefit while writing because 1/2 way through the fic I changed it to third person. why and how I don't know.
when you whitewash someone.. it's when you take a handful of snow and rub it all over his face. or you rub his face in it by tackling him to the ground. its fun to do to people but not too much fun to have done to yourself
I'm glad you liked it! and that line is probably one of my favourites cuz it struck me as something Murphy would have done when he was younger. I am the whitewash queen around here.. I wait outside the front door for my friends *evil smirk* they dont suspect it.
Snow play, so adorable. Bless their cotton socks. :)
One thing that always bother me, so it's not just you, and feel free to disregard this comment as my own personal opinion - I don't know where "fucken" originated, but the word's "fuckin'"... Sorry, pet peeve of mine. (And a few other people.)
Like everyone else, I love the image of Murphy giggling as he hides. Though it's the only indicator of their age that I came across. I assume they're quite young here - I imagine they would have started cursing at a younger age anyway because of their Ma, so I overlooked that. I'd put them around... 14 or 15?
Suddenly I was on my back again. Murphy was sitting on me again looking down at me and holding a handful of snow next to my face. Right there, the repetition of "again" doesn't really work for me. Suddenly I was on my back again, Murphy sitting on me and looking down at me, a handful of snow next to my face. Something sort of like that would lose that repetition yet still get across the meaning. :) I know you wrote this
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That's a nice kind of snapshot scene of the twins and typical snow play. Why does Murphy always want to be the first in the snow, other than the fact that it's fun? That could be a really interesting exploration. :)
And, by the way, you probably don't have to put "Connor's POV" in the beginning; it's clear by the way they interact that it's him. Also, "steal blue eyes" -- did you mean "steel"? "Steal" seems appropriate to when describing Murphy ;) but then it'd be a structure problem.
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it was 1 am forgive me lol i meant steel. and I may write something later about Murph always wanting to be first but it was just a quick thing i wrote and the Connor's POV at the top was for my bennefit while writing because 1/2 way through the fic I changed it to third person. why and how I don't know.
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Oops... I turned this comment dirty.
<333
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One thing that always bother me, so it's not just you, and feel free to disregard this comment as my own personal opinion - I don't know where "fucken" originated, but the word's "fuckin'"... Sorry, pet peeve of mine. (And a few other people.)
Like everyone else, I love the image of Murphy giggling as he hides. Though it's the only indicator of their age that I came across. I assume they're quite young here - I imagine they would have started cursing at a younger age anyway because of their Ma, so I overlooked that. I'd put them around... 14 or 15?
Suddenly I was on my back again. Murphy was sitting on me again looking down at me and holding a handful of snow next to my face. Right there, the repetition of "again" doesn't really work for me. Suddenly I was on my back again, Murphy sitting on me and looking down at me, a handful of snow next to my face. Something sort of like that would lose that repetition yet still get across the meaning. :) I know you wrote this ( ... )
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