Requesting new parentage.
Today is the first time I’ve been home since… Well, I’m not too sure which day it was that I took off. About a week ago I told my father to ‘Fuck Off Bitch’, and truly meant it. I still do.
After packing a bad the next day, I drove off t my mothers for a few nights then went to spend the rest of my time away at a friends. Basically the whole tiff was about father being Pigheaded, to which he is daily.
He is my father, but I truly wholeheartedly despise him.
On the night of the brief tiff, to which lasted no more than 2 minutes, father burnt the last bridge between us. Currently he’s under the belief that ‘all is well’. It’s easier to have him think this, rather than fight it out constantly.
His issues with me are childish and unreasonable. I look like my mother, his ex-wife. That is it, and no more. Ask him about it and he’ll tell you the same thing, “If you’re going to say that, then the argument is over now.”
Father language translated = “I know I’m wrong and I don’t care.” You may get a bit of static at the end of the transmission, not to worry, that’s just your fist clenching and aching to plug him one.
I’ve been absent in LJ and many other places because things have been… unpleasant, nothing worth worrying about mind you. But I had made sure to be out of the house more than I normally would have been.
Last night Jack, my younger brother, finally said something to me that I believe he has held back for some time.
“I think of you as our mother.”
These are the words he uttered to me with a face that I can only describe as contempt, dislike, conviction and anger.
Truthfully, I find this more hurtful than anything else, whilst I’ve slowly built new bridges with my mother, I know full well what my brother thinks of her.
I should have cried, for that comment alone. But I didn’t. I cried when my father told me that he would lie in court, claiming that I had told him I would pay for the car that he gave to me as a gift. To which I silently laughed, taking a moment to reflect on why he told me that, seeing as how he just incriminated himself with his wife present as a witness to that comment - I even went so far as to say ‘you would do that?’ to which he said ‘yes. I would’. Smart move Steven.
One would think he had no brains.
Back to Jack - my brother is no longer my brother, even though I will always love him, and will continue to do so till I die, as any sister would. But that comment he made to me, it was a knife in my back. And Considering I don’t usually allow people to have the opportunity to do that to me, it came as some what… unforeseen.
Our mother was a drug addict, an alcoholic, a deplorable person, and an abusing parent.
And yet, I’ve never injected, smoked, inhaled, or injected any illegal drug. In fact, I don’t even drink coffee or tea. Whilst, brother dearest, is the one who smokes cigarettes because at 14 years of age he was addicted to marijuana. Not to mention he drinks more like mother dearest than I could even try amount to. I personally don’t think I’m a horrible person. Bitchy yes, but alas - I’m a female, it’s my prerogative. And lastly, I do believe that if I were to bring children into this world, I hardly see myself smothering said children with bed linen and other assorted materials.
I really should be upset, but I’m not. I’m over it all. At the end of the day, I could kill, or be killed - but the world with still turn. Trees will continue to grow and be harvested for our own needs. The rain will still fall. Spring will give way to summer, summer to autumn, and autumn to winter.
In a centuries time, what will it matter what car I drove, where I lived, who I loved. A disconcerting thought if ever there was one, but also, extremely humbling.
I’m happy, even after all this turmoil. But then, things are never quite for anyone. We all have our own crosses to bear. My ever loveable father is just one thing I wish were different, however, we all have things we wished to disappear, or simply altered. And if wishes made by the heart were possible, everything would be too easy. How would we ever learn?
Building character has never been so hard and yet so monumentally important.
On another not, I do so hope that you’re well, all of you. I feel terrible for lapsing so dreadfully in my correspondences. I'm unsure of my day to day plan at the moment, things are still fresh in making the boundaries - it seems I'm to be an outcast of sort in reference to my father and brother, though Lena (step-mother for those who can't remember) is my safe person. I shan't be having problems with her. But things should be back to normal, I've given myself a few days to work with, as they think I need to 'calm down'.
*shrugs* I'm calm, content, and extremely humoured by there tiptoeing. I’ve always been the child to watch everything, to say things to get a reaction. Every action causes many reactions. This one has been… Educational. Next time father dearest gives me such behaviour, I’ll simply keep quite. No need to go through this again. Let him think that he’s won, that we’ve gotten past this impasse. The moment he said he would steal the car from me through legal action, lying outright that I had stated I would pay him off for it, well, that was the moment I saw him for what he was. I man who digs his own grave. A man who’s lost a daughter.
I’m not sure I can say I love him… when I think about it. Not now. In time I might come to some sort of understanding on that, but for now - things are different.
Talking about different, I must take my nail polish off. It’s already chipped.
P.S. Funny how the Mood Fox say's curious, and yet he looks dead. I thought curiosity killed the cat? (though me personally, I believe it was stupidity). lol
After packing a bad the next day, I drove off t my mothers for a few nights then went to spend the rest of my time away at a friends. Basically the whole tiff was about father being Pigheaded, to which he is daily.
He is my father, but I truly wholeheartedly despise him.
On the night of the brief tiff, to which lasted no more than 2 minutes, father burnt the last bridge between us. Currently he’s under the belief that ‘all is well’. It’s easier to have him think this, rather than fight it out constantly.
His issues with me are childish and unreasonable. I look like my mother, his ex-wife. That is it, and no more. Ask him about it and he’ll tell you the same thing, “If you’re going to say that, then the argument is over now.”
Father language translated = “I know I’m wrong and I don’t care.” You may get a bit of static at the end of the transmission, not to worry, that’s just your fist clenching and aching to plug him one.
I’ve been absent in LJ and many other places because things have been… unpleasant, nothing worth worrying about mind you. But I had made sure to be out of the house more than I normally would have been.
Last night Jack, my younger brother, finally said something to me that I believe he has held back for some time.
“I think of you as our mother.”
These are the words he uttered to me with a face that I can only describe as contempt, dislike, conviction and anger.
Truthfully, I find this more hurtful than anything else, whilst I’ve slowly built new bridges with my mother, I know full well what my brother thinks of her.
I should have cried, for that comment alone. But I didn’t. I cried when my father told me that he would lie in court, claiming that I had told him I would pay for the car that he gave to me as a gift. To which I silently laughed, taking a moment to reflect on why he told me that, seeing as how he just incriminated himself with his wife present as a witness to that comment - I even went so far as to say ‘you would do that?’ to which he said ‘yes. I would’. Smart move Steven.
One would think he had no brains.
Back to Jack - my brother is no longer my brother, even though I will always love him, and will continue to do so till I die, as any sister would. But that comment he made to me, it was a knife in my back. And Considering I don’t usually allow people to have the opportunity to do that to me, it came as some what… unforeseen.
Our mother was a drug addict, an alcoholic, a deplorable person, and an abusing parent.
And yet, I’ve never injected, smoked, inhaled, or injected any illegal drug. In fact, I don’t even drink coffee or tea. Whilst, brother dearest, is the one who smokes cigarettes because at 14 years of age he was addicted to marijuana. Not to mention he drinks more like mother dearest than I could even try amount to. I personally don’t think I’m a horrible person. Bitchy yes, but alas - I’m a female, it’s my prerogative. And lastly, I do believe that if I were to bring children into this world, I hardly see myself smothering said children with bed linen and other assorted materials.
I really should be upset, but I’m not. I’m over it all. At the end of the day, I could kill, or be killed - but the world with still turn. Trees will continue to grow and be harvested for our own needs. The rain will still fall. Spring will give way to summer, summer to autumn, and autumn to winter.
In a centuries time, what will it matter what car I drove, where I lived, who I loved. A disconcerting thought if ever there was one, but also, extremely humbling.
I’m happy, even after all this turmoil. But then, things are never quite for anyone. We all have our own crosses to bear. My ever loveable father is just one thing I wish were different, however, we all have things we wished to disappear, or simply altered. And if wishes made by the heart were possible, everything would be too easy. How would we ever learn?
Building character has never been so hard and yet so monumentally important.
On another not, I do so hope that you’re well, all of you. I feel terrible for lapsing so dreadfully in my correspondences. I'm unsure of my day to day plan at the moment, things are still fresh in making the boundaries - it seems I'm to be an outcast of sort in reference to my father and brother, though Lena (step-mother for those who can't remember) is my safe person. I shan't be having problems with her. But things should be back to normal, I've given myself a few days to work with, as they think I need to 'calm down'.
*shrugs* I'm calm, content, and extremely humoured by there tiptoeing. I’ve always been the child to watch everything, to say things to get a reaction. Every action causes many reactions. This one has been… Educational. Next time father dearest gives me such behaviour, I’ll simply keep quite. No need to go through this again. Let him think that he’s won, that we’ve gotten past this impasse. The moment he said he would steal the car from me through legal action, lying outright that I had stated I would pay him off for it, well, that was the moment I saw him for what he was. I man who digs his own grave. A man who’s lost a daughter.
I’m not sure I can say I love him… when I think about it. Not now. In time I might come to some sort of understanding on that, but for now - things are different.
Talking about different, I must take my nail polish off. It’s already chipped.
P.S. Funny how the Mood Fox say's curious, and yet he looks dead. I thought curiosity killed the cat? (though me personally, I believe it was stupidity). lol