J2 FIC AU, Reaching For Happiness, Chapter 20 Part 2 [WIP]
Author:freedomthisway
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Special Note: Super thank you to mymuseandi a.k.a Lyn for helping me beta-ing this chapter. I owe you huge thanks, like I always do. :)
The next day, Jensen makes Jared patiently wait for him to finish planting all the rose seeds he can find in the shed, clearing all the tools after, washing his mudded hands clean, and taking a deep breath to prepare himself mentally before finally taking a seat next to Jared, ready to hear another story.
It’s funny how he and Jared sit together on this very bench day after day. Jensen doesn’t even hesitate to agree to do this. Perhaps it’s because at the end of each day, after the night falls and Jensen is in his bed, he is filled with wondering thoughts that for once aren’t that repulsive to think about.
He doesn’t believe it at first, but hearing Jared’s story makes him feel a little better about himself and Jensen kind of likes it. It’s been too long since he tried to remember the old days and didn’t end up cringing or fighting to hold back tears. Instead, now each and every memory of those dark times is like an exciting riddle for Jensen to figure out. He will pull out a fragment of those and he’ll spend hours trying to come up with what actually happened at that time, from Jared’s point of view. What exactly had Jared actually done or thought when things were starting to fall apart between them. It is thrilling to try to look back into their past in a better point of view where Jared was not actually hating him with all his guts, but instead was just simply falling helplessly in love with Jensen.
Jensen pulls himself out of his thought to stare at Jared and frowns at the sight of him looking so tense and without his usual smile.
“Jared, are you okay?” Jensen asks, Jared blinks, before looking back at Jensen and it’s clear that he is worried about something.
“Yes, I’m fine.” Jared replies quickly, offering Jensen his usual smile.
“No, you’re not.” Jensen says. “What is it?”
Jared stares down at his tightly entwined fingers. “Nothing. It’s just that this story I am going to tell you isn’t exactly a happy one. And to tell the truth, I’m a bit reluctant to share it with you because I don’t want to make you upset or anything after hearing it.”
Jensen goes silent for a while at that, feeling braver than ever when he finally says, “Why don’t you just hit me with it and we can see about me being upset later?”
Jared stares at him. “Yeah,” He mutters after long minutes pass, his tone lower than before and a small smile stretched over his lips. “Yeah, sure.”
And that’s how he begins his story.
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Jared knew he shouldn’t be doing this kind of thing anymore. He was already in his second year of high school and he should’ve passed this phase a long time ago: this brother bonding and Jensen tagging along with him everywhere he went.
But he was enjoying this, and Jensen wasn’t complaining. And the fact that being with Jensen all the time made his heart feel warm all over didn’t help. So things were still pretty much the same after all these years.
Jared was gay and he never had any interest whatsoever on women. Surprisingly, Jared had embraced this side of him quickly enough. No struggle, not much of self-denial and the next thing he knew was he already jumped into this newly found identity with both feet, though not without secrecy involved. His family was nowhere near ready, and Jared was smart enough to know that this fact was for his knowledge only, at least for now.
But the realization that he fell in love with his own stepbrother took a while to settle inside his head. He had had his fair share of fighting it, telling himself that it was just a simple sibling admiration and all those bullshit. But when his nights were filled with dreams of him and Jensen together, leaving him to wake up every morning with damp, wet briefs and racing breaths, Jared finally gave into that side of him too.
Jensen was of course as clueless as ever to notice how Jared always took each chance available to be all over him, shamelessly taking advantage of their close relationship. Sure, Jared found himself afraid occasionally, wondering how Jensen would feel about him if he finally knew. But that didn’t stop him from tackling Jensen onto the couch over remote while he was reveling at the way his hands were touching Jensen’s warm and soft skin. That didn’t stop him from hugging Jensen anytime the occasion allowed him. That didn’t stop him from having even wilder dreams of Jensen writhing beneath him on his bed. That didn’t stop him from dreaming and hoping that somehow, someway, he’ll find a way to make things work out between him and Jensen. And it certainly didn’t stop him from trying to make Jensen’s world consisted of him and him only, eliminating every chance of Jensen getting closer to one of his female friends whom to Jared’s annoyance seemed to be all over his baby brother.
And Jared had never thought twice of doing those things, never had any doubt or self-questioning at the way he selfishly hogged Jensen all the time. Not until today.
They were slumping together side by side on the couch, watching some football rerun on TV. It was their usual Friday night. Moreover, they were too tired to go somewhere to spend the night out after their swimming session this afternoon.
Jensen had his feet on Jared’s lap, hogging a bucket of ice cream in his hands and it was all Jared could do to watch Jensen’s red lips licking his spoon over and over again. Jared was pretty sure he would be having one of those intense wet dreams again tonight. But hey, he wasn’t complaining.
“I met Lisa Harts today on my way to supermarket.” Jensen said casually, as always, completely oblivious to Jared’s hungry stare that was set on him.
“Yeah?” Jared responded absentmindedly, too distracted by the sight of Jensen’s tongue to try and remember who the hell this Lisa Hart was.
“Yep. You don’t remember her? She used to be our neighbor across the street before she and her family moved to Chicago. Apparently, they’re moving back into town, found a great house for sale near Richardson’s and there she was, on her way to shop for groceries for their housewarming party.”
Jared’s forehead was frowned a bit as he was digging further into his brain, trying to pull Lisa Hart out of his childhood memories. “Ah, yes.” Jared finally nodded, grinning. “I remembered her. She was that girl who always tried to kick all the neighborhood’s boys’ asses, right? She never had ours though. We’re way too good for her.”
Jensen laughed at that. “Yeah, we were. But... she turns out to be a pretty decent girl now, you know? Now she looks like one of those cheerleader girls that keep buzzing around you all the time at school. I mean, all mini skirts and long blonde hair, but minus the mean attitude.” Jensen said, eyes staring playfully at Jared. “She’s quite nice, I’m sure you’ll agree once you get to see her again.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, you brat?” Jared pasted a smile on his lips despite a strange feeling suddenly fleeted inside him at hearing Jensen’s meaningful words.
Jensen shrugged, suddenly looked serious. “Nothing. It’s just that... Mom said it’s about time for you to get a girlfriend and lose your virginity or something like that, and she’s a bit worried that you haven’t gotten any.”
Jared saw a true concern on Jensen’s expression and he laughed, couldn’t help it for all the irony on this situation. Jensen looked at him questioningly and Jared lifted his hand. “Sorry. But you should tell Mary that she doesn’t have to worry about that.” Jared wiped a tear off his eyes from laughing too hard. “I just haven’t found an interest in having a girlfriend and all. It seems too much of a bother right now.”
Jensen tilted his head to the side. “But is there really no girl out there that caught your eyes?”
Jared fell silent at the question. The throbbing pain from hearing something like that coming out of Jensen’s mouth made Jared said something stupid that he knew for sure he’d regret later: “I don’t really care about girls.”
As soon as those words got out, Jared was this close to punch himself out. But Jensen was just sitting there, looking puzzled yet oblivious as ever, clearly because he didn’t catch any hidden meaning behind what Jared had said. It should’ve made Jared feel relieved, but instead it annoyed the hell out of him.
“What about you?” Jared asked through gritted teeth, deep down he was not quite sure if allowing his temper controlling his reasons like what he was doing right now was a smart thing to do. It wasn’t like he wanted Jensen to find out about his feelings, but at times, Jensen’s cluelessness could really get to him. “Do you find girls interesting enough? Do you want to get a ‘girlfriend’ just so you can have someone to hold hands or date with?”
Jensen looked like he was taken aback by the question. For a minute, his head was frowning as he thought of the answer. “Actually, I don’t know yet.” Jensen finally said, shrugging. “Right now, for me girls are just a bunch of squealing, gossiping creatures. But ever since I’m a little boy, I’ve been dreaming about having a nice family around and even though I’ve already had one right now,” Jensen glanced at Jared and smiled warmly. “I think it’s a great idea to make another one myself later. So I guess one day I’ll find a girl to marry and just settle down. I know that’s what Mom’s hoping for. It surely will make her happy and that will be enough.”
And just like that, Jared’s eyes opened up to the real situation laid before him. He could feel his heart breaking in two and the pain suddenly escalated so much that it felt as if it was clenching his insides. Jensen’s string of words had finally made him realize something: Jensen was not the only clueless person in this .He was too.
For Jared to think that somehow his feelings for Jensen could get some resolution in the end was completely stupid. They were brothers, and to top it off, they were both men. Their family was a respectable one. His proud father would never accept the fact that his eldest son was gay. Jared would surely end up doing one thing he’d never wanted to do to his father: disappoint him. Mary would be broken hearted at that too, especially if by doing so Jared would succeed in dragging Jensen down into having the same preference as he had. And now that he had seriously thought it over, Jensen was always crazy about family. He wouldn’t even consider returning Jared’s love, and even if he would, it’d only be based on his kindness and the fact that he would never do anything to hurt Jared. If that happened, Jared could never forgive himself; because it’ll mean that his selfishness would become the sole reason in making Jensen lose everything meaningful for him.
It dawned on Jared now that there were just too many obstacles, too much impossibility, too much things at stake for him to go on with his feelings and hope for Jensen. So from that day onwards, Jared had decided to make some changes in his life. He had never meant for things to spiral down to what it had then become, but he was left with no choice since things didn’t go down as he had planned. At first all he did was trying to erase the feelings he had for Jensen. He knew it’d be hard, but by the end of the third month, he realized that it was downright impossible. Jensen was still the same as he would ever be: looking up to Jared so much, maintaining his crystal clear wish to always be pampered and close to Jared as he always was. It took all of Jared’s strength to prevent his mind from going wild while Jensen was clinging to him in the worst possible way, as oblivious as he was before to Jared’s situation. It then inevitably led Jared to move things up a notch. He started to create some distance away from Jensen. Just a bit at first, but Jared couldn’t help it as it was getting more and more stretched as time went by, to the point of him fleeing the room each time Jensen came around.
It hurt. And Jared knew Jensen was hurt too. Every time he backed away whenever things got too friendly between both of them, Jared could feel his heart constricted by the pain. Seeing Jensen’s saddened face worsened him. Along the years, no matter how he always had tried his best not to, he could not miss the dark sadness clouding Jensen’s eyes as he was watching Jared with hopeful yet questioning stare. Sometimes, Jared came so close to telling Jensen the truth, the reason why he had been doing what he was doing. But then Jensen’s words about wanting to marry a girl one day and settle down flashed into his mind, along with the disappointed face of his father and Mary’s betrayed look. Those were always enough to keep his mouth shut and looked away.
Unbearable as it was, Jared had to do this. It was the only way they could stay as a family, just like how Jensen wanted them to be.
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The sun is almost set by the time Jared ends his story. One of the maids has turned the garden lights on, and the shade both from those and the sun is creating soft golden glow emanating all over garden’s grounds. This particular sight is one of Jensen’s favorite views, actually. But at the moment, his heart is pounding too much for him to take any notice, let alone to bask in it.
This one story turns out to be a little bit different from others he had heard before. After the first two times Jensen could always feel a flow of warmth spreading through his insides. Hearing previous stories is like going through a detoxification. It frees him, even if just a bit, from all those ever-increasing pain and remorse gathered throughout the years of his life. But this story causes nothing of the sort. It’s like a pointy dagger which sole purpose is stabbing -precisely and repeatedly- on an old wound that has yet to be healed even after all this time, and Jensen is struggling to control his emotions.
Jensen doesn’t even realize the way his fingers gripping the side of the bench hard, but Jared can see it clearly through his glances. Sighing, Jared feels a growing desire to beat himself to death. He knew already that it would be too painful for Jensen to hear what he had just told. Hell, it even pained himself. But despite all the casualties, it’s crucial for Jensen to know the truth. And after years of keeping it to himself, Jared owes it to his past self -and to Jensen-- to finally set the story right.
A long moment of silence passes before Jensen finally opens his mouth. “I guess I did talk a lot about wanting a family back then, didn’t I?” His voice is hoarse with a hint of grim humor.
Jared doesn’t know how to respond to that statement, so he just whispers a short yes as he watches a sad smile slowly spreading on Jensen’s face.
Hearing that one word coming out of Jared’s mouth -his tone filled with despair and lethargy- makes Jensen feels familiar warmth spreading his insides. Suddenly, Jensen understands what Jared is trying to say to him through this particular story. Jared isn’t lying when he said that the sole reason he had done everything he did back then was for Jensen’s happiness. No more and no less. It was all Jared could do, even when every part of him had never wanted to do it in the first place, and Jensen realizes that he can’t really blame Jared for that. He would have done the same if he was in Jared’s shoes. The thought makes Jensen wants to cry, because now he knows that when he thought he was suffering alone, it turned out Jared was feeling the same pain, if not longer and much worse than what Jensen had felt.
Jensen finally can see now why Jared is doing this. There are so many wounds when it comes to their past together, and apparently Jared is trying to patch them, one story at a time. And Jensen will be lying if he says it doesn’t work, because it does.
The problem is, along with the realization is the knowledge that Jared is hoping for him to change his mind about leaving. It will be fine if the idea hasn’t crossed Jensen’s mind after listening to those stories, but now Jensen is seriously wondering what it would be like if he decides to stay. There’s this growing happiness from knowing that all this time, when it comes to the relationship between the two of them, Jared is feeling the same way and is sharing the same pain he bears throughout his life. But then again, it collides with his fear and painful traumas that’s still haunting him. If he opens his heart again this time and get hurt in the end, Jensen knows he will die from a broken heart.
Jensen can feel a headache coming on. There are just too many things jumbled up inside his head and it makes him feels dizzy and scared. Gritting his teeth, Jensen quickly rises up from his seat. “I’m sorry.” Jensen feels flustered. “I don’t feel well. I think I’ll go back to my room for now.” And without looking back, Jensen strides towards the house, leaving Jared who’s watching him with remorse clouding his eyes.
---00o00----
Despite the way he felt the last time, Jensen finds himself sitting next to Jared on the same bench the next afternoon.
Jared had asked him this morning if he was alright through the intercom and Jensen knew Jared was worried for he didn’t come down to have dinner last night. Jensen told Jared (and himself) that he was okay but both of them knew better than that. It was only after Jensen came out of his room at midday that he found out Jared had left a message for him through one of the maids before he left for the office, saying that he’d wait for Jensen at the garden at same time as yesterday.
Jensen knows that for his own sake he should have said no to that invitation. He should have told Jared to just shut up and bring his sob story somewhere else where Jensen can’t hear it.
But in the end here he is. Jared is clearly surprised when he saw Jensen step foot onto the garden. After the way Jensen reacted yesterday, Jared must have assumed Jensen will never agree to this kind of thing anymore. Hell, that was also what Jensen had had in mind at first. However, Jensen finds himself unable to resist, because it is their stories. They’re part of Jensen’s memories too and each word coming out of Jared’s mouth is like a piece of puzzle that completes the whole picture of both of their life. A whole picture that used to be blank and mysterious in so many spots inside Jensen’s mind that trying to remember it used to make Jensen feels lost and broken. And isn’t this what he has been wanting for all this time?
A closure. An explanation.
Now that he gets it, he can’t stop himself from hoarding it. Each time he does, it’s chipping away his worthlessness bit by bit and it feels good. Too good.
All his life, Jensen had always put aside or was forced to give up his wants, his desires, his happiness. He’s also used to think carefully before doing each of his acts, knowing that whatever he does, there will be a chance it might cause another bout of misery for him. But this thing that he feels right now, somehow he is reluctant to let it go. This time, he wants to be selfish and careless. He needs to. Perhaps, it’s the one last good thing that’ll ever happen to him and Jensen decides to cling onto it, as long as he can. Considering the day he’ll be leaving this house is getting nearer, it won’t be that long anyway.
So Jensen braces himself and comes to the garden, ignoring Jared’s penetrating gaze on him as he takes his seat, ready to listen to whatever it is Jared’s going to tell him.
“Don’t you have a story to tell?” He asks after a while, turning his head to look at Jared who is just sitting there, watching him without saying anything.
Jared blinks, once, twice, before diverting his gaze forward and clearing his throat. It’s after another long pause when finally Jared opens his mouth. “Do you remember my first summer holiday away from campus?”
It’s now Jensen’s turn to blink. There is a sudden pang in his heart at memories of that certain period floating in his head as result from hearing Jared’s question. Jensen lets out a grim chuckle, feels kind of disappointed that Jared decides to tell him that particular story. “So you’re going to tell me about that one? Seriously?”
“Don’t you want me to?” Jared shoots back, eyes on Jensen.
Jensen watches Jared’s clearly determined expression before shrugging, careful to keep hurt from showing on his face. “I just think there isn’t much story behind what happened that time, is it?”
“No, Jen. Everything was more than how it was at that time.”
Jensen shuts his eyes tightly. Already, he can feel the mixed emotions intensifying inside him. He folds his hands around his body before sighing and says in a resigned voice. “Fine. Tell me how it actually was then.”
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This was horrible. Jared had been through so much just to make sure he wouldn’t have to face this kind of situation anymore.
He didn’t know what kind of reaction Jensen was having at this, but after years of barely talking to each other, Jared had assumed that maybe Jensen would be pleased with the whole thing, which made it all the more worse for Jared.
If he could, he would’ve said no to Mary’s request and happily spent his time at his dorm for the whole summer holiday instead, just like he had always done before. He was already in the end of his third year in university after all. He had gained enough popularity and groups of friends --not to mention flings-- that he was certain he wouldn’t have had a hard time looking for something (or someone) fun to do. But even as a growing teenager in his first year of high school, Jensen was still considered a minor and Mary was reluctant to leave Jensen alone without any family around while she and Jared’s dad went out of town for Mary’s treatment. It would be awesome if Jensen could tag along with them, but alas, Jensen had decided to take extra classes for summer. Thus, here was Jared, expected to babysit his baby brother/object of his wet dreams/the man he still pretty much loved and had been avoiding for almost four years now.
It was only for one week, and Jared had made it through the first two days without making any meaningful contact with Jensen. He hung out at various clubs at night and went home in the morning to sleep his days away. However, Mary found out and scolded him through phone for not taking his responsibilities of taking care of his brother seriously. For the sake of not making her health worsen due to worry, Jared had apologized and promised her that he’d stay home for the rest of the week. Bound by his own words and having nowhere to escape the situation at hand, Jared was certain the next few days would be a total disaster. He could feel it strongly in his guts. Jensen, it seemed, had noticed that Jared was spending his nights at home instead of going out like he used to so Jared wouldn’t be surprised if there was a knock on his room’s door anytime now. He wasn’t so much of expecting it as dreading for it to happen. He knew Jensen was waiting for an opportunity to talk to him in his effort to rekindle their bond, and it looked like he would finally have his chance.
Jared didn’t like the possibility of that. Not one bit. He really wished Jensen could leave things the way they were. Even when Jared knew that Jensen had no idea of the reason behind Jared avoiding him the way he did, but if Jensen could just accept it and moved on, it would do both of them good. But apparently his brother was nowhere near ready to put it past them, and Jared knew exactly what Jensen had wanted to talk to him about. In the end, the question ‘why’ would come out, and Jared wouldn’t be able to answer it truthfully without making all of his sacrifice for all this time went to waste.
That was why for each day he spent at home, Jared would pass it by sleeping while Jensen was going to his cramp classes. At night, he would invite one of his fuck buddies to stay over and he made sure Jensen was aware of it, just so Jensen would leave him alone.
Jared wasn’t proud for doing it. But the fear building up inside him had left him no choice but to stoop so low.
It was indeed the first time for Jared to take a man home even when it had already been a year since Jared told his family that he was gay. Mary had been very understanding while Jared couldn’t quite get Jensen’s reaction. He was clearly surprised to hear that, but he didn’t say anything about it even until now. On the other hand, his dad had made a big fuss over it for months, and despite feeling sorry for disappointing his father, Jared had stood his ground. In the end, the high tide was over and Jared’s dad looked like he had made peace with the reality that his oldest son was gay.
All in all, Jared could safely tell himself that he had done everything he could to avoid turning the summer break into a major catastrophe like what he had feared from the start.
But apparently his plan was proven to be totally ineffective against Jensen’s stubborn nature. Jared had hoped Jensen would have enough sense to play along with his scheme, but sometimes his baby brother just didn’t know when to let go. And Jared was driven to the corner.
It was the sixth night. There was just one more day before their parents returned from their trip, and Jared would soon be freed from all this mess. Jared was at the end of his wits and he couldn’t wait to go back to his dorm life even though he had admitted that --even with all the fun and the flings-- he always felt empty and hollow there. After all, nowhere in this world was good enough for Jared ever since he left Jensen’s side. But hands down, Jared much preferred feeling empty and hollow rather than all these emotions inside him when Jensen was around. In this state, even looking at Jensen was simply too much for Jared. It made Jared wanted to reach out for him, to take a chance and get everything he had ever wanted. He wanted to do it so badly and it was suffocating, because he knew he couldn’t afford to waver now. Not after all this time.
Jared really wished he could make Jensen understand how important it was for things to stay just as they were. But he couldn’t, and now Jensen was standing there across the room where Jared was currently in the middle of a heavy make-out session with this guy whose name he couldn’t even remember. Jared could see Jensen’s eyes were going wider while he was watching the guy --who obviously hadn’t realized that they had an audience standing behind him-- planting kisses all over Jared’s nape. Jared was beyond surprised, and he wanted to tell the guy on top of him to stop and just fucking get off, but he didn’t. Instead, he was just laying there on the couch and stared back at those green eyes. Jared wondered what brought Jensen out of his room tonight. He knew Jared kept bringing random people home at night and he usually stayed out of Jared’s way. But perhaps Jensen too, was aware that their parents would come back tomorrow night and decided to seize his last opportunity, no matter what.
If that was true, Jensen hadn’t said a word about it. For a long minute, it went on like a cheap show in a stripper joint where Jared played his part as the exotic dancer at the center of the stage while Jensen was the voyeur with the unreadable gaze. It was uncomfortable to say the least and Jared was about to tell the guy to stop when Jensen cleared his throat and finally said something while averting his gaze to the other side of the room.
“Jared, I need to have a word with you.”
Jared watched in amusement as the guy on top of him jerked up at hearing Jensen’s voice, turning his head behind his shoulders quickly and letting out a squeaky sound when he saw Jensen there. “What the fuck...?!” He muttered while scrambling to get off of Jared. But Jared stopped him from doing so by holding him with his strong arms, wordlessly telling him to stay where he was. The guy stared at him, confused, and Jared noticed Jensen had the same puzzled gaze thrown at him.
Jared was ignoring both of them as he used one of his hands to sneak inside the guy’s shirt and gently ran his fingers along the skin beneath. The guy shivered at the touch. “Jared...” The guy whispered between his teeth. “What the hell are you doing?”
Jared answered him with a smirk, his fingers found one of the guy’s nipples and he flicked it once, causing the guy’s body to jerk unconsciously, accompanied by a held back moan. When Jared talked, his words were directed to Jensen who was watching the whole scene in disbelief. “I’m busy, Jen. Can’t you tell?”
Even if Jared’s voice was a bit shaken, Jensen didn’t seem to notice. It took a few seconds, but anger was eventually shown in those green eyes, and Jensen clenched his jaws as he spoke. “I can see that, Jared. But would you mind taking your brain off your dick for just a moment and come out to talk with me?”
The time is running out, was what Jensen didn’t say out loud, but Jared can hear it reverberating in the air anyway.
Jared didn’t budge though. The guy threw his head back, ecstatic at the feel of Jared’s touch all over his torso, and Jared accepted the silent invitation, craning his head up a bit to lick along that slender neck. Jared felt relieved as this guy seemed to have decided to follow along Jared’s scheme, whatever it was, and had thrown his worry and embarrassment out of the window. As if on cue, he started to grind his hips on Jared’s lap, and Jared had to bite back a growl threatening to come out at the way his dick responded to the treatment.
It was horrifying when Jared noticed how turned on he was. Jared was no newbie when it comes to foreplay, but it usually took more than a fucking hips-grinding to get his dick interested enough. This time though, Jensen was right there, watching him as he was focusing his mind on trying to make another man squirming on his lap, and fuck if that gaze didn’t fan his burning lust and made his skin crawl with excitement. It was so fucked up, so twisted... so wrong, yet so arousing at the same time. Jared had never hated himself more than he did at the moment. Disgust filled his stomach, and Jared felt exactly like that one time when he fucked a guy senseless in the middle of bad hangover.
Except that this felt worse.
“Go away, Jen.” Jared retorted, those words coming out harsher and with a tone much lower than he meant to but Jared didn’t care. He’d end up hurting Jensen more than he already had if Jensen didn’t get his ass out of the room quickly because Jensen wanted to have a fucking conversation and there was no way in hell Jared would allow that to happen.
Jared could sense Jensen’s desperation at hearing his answer. His shoulder sagged, and he lifted one of his hands to rub his eyes in a defeated manner. “ Please...Jared, just a word...” His voice was breaking now, almost hoarse, and Jared’s inside clenched tightly at hearing it. “You’ll be gone tomorrow and there’ll be no more chance for us to do this.”
A sharp ache from his jaw didn’t stop Jared from grinding his teeth. His hands reached down in one swift movement and even though his ears were slowly deafened by the mad thumping of his heart, Jared could still hear both Jensen and the guy on top of him gasped out breath almost in unison as the sound of his zipper being pulled down was echoing through the room.
Jensen sounded frantic now, and scared. For one second Jared wondered if that was a sob he heard coming from the younger man’s mouth.
“Jared, God.” Jensen stuttered, already took one step back away from where he was standing firmly before. “Please, I just....”
Yeah, it was definitely a sob.
“I just need to understand... It’s painful like this and I just want to know why!” Jensen nearly yelled the last sentence out, shutting his eyes closed tightly to prevent himself from further watching the scene in front of him. But Jared kept acting like he paid no heed nor heard a word Jensen had said.
Jared slipped a hand beneath his pants, letting his throbbing member out in the open with such velocity. The guy on top of him took his time to drag his eyes from the freed cock up to Jared’s hard gaze, looking like he was torn up between either wanting to smack some sense into Jared’s head or pleading for permission to just go down already and suck the hell out of the man.
The guy knew what kind of game Jared was playing with his step-brother. He fully understood that he was just an icing on the cake here. However if someone asked him, he’d definitely say it was a messed up situation. He didn’t quite get why Jared had bothered to do it in the first place. Hell, that cute brother of his only demanded a conversation, didn’t he? So why the hell was Jared getting so hell bent to avoid that simple request? Judging from all those jaw-clenching and pain-filled eyes he could see on Jared’s face, he could sense that no matter which side won, Jared would end up losing anyway. But hell, it got him hotter than any foreplay and he didn’t want to end it by complaining. It had been a long time since he had a mind-blowing fuck, and he bet all his money that he’d experience one soon tonight if he just shut his mouth and tag along the scenario Jared had set up.
“Jared...” Jensen looked like he had no more clue as to what he could say that would make Jared listen. Tears were threatening to fall off those green eyes but he still stood there, swaying, and not for the first time, Jared cursed Jensen’s stubborn nature.
It seemed Jensen left him no choice. With his heart so heavy he found it difficult to breathe, Jared laid down on his back, trying to control the trembling in his voice as he looked deep into the guy’s eyes and barked, “Suck me.”
Everything moved in slow motion in Jared’s eyes. The guy moved and a moment later Jared could feel a ghost of hot breath over his cock, followed by a flick of tongue. Jared swallowed hard and threw his head back onto the couch’s hand rest, the corner of his eyes was watching as Jensen was frozen on his feet for what felt like forever before finally, finally, turning back and left the room with his head down and his fists clenching on his sides.
Jared lifted one of his hands to cover his face. Despite taking what could have been one of the wildest blow job he had ever gotten, Jared’s whole body felt numb and he wasn’t at all surprised when a trickle of tears left his eyes, flowing down along his cheeks and dripped onto the soft cushion below.
Even for a man, this kind of pain would surely be accompanied with a cry. It was unavoidable. After all, it did hurt that much.
For many years to come, that was the last Jensen had ever come to him in search of an answer.
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Jensen dug his fists, trying to breathe as innumerable emotions raging inside him. It is almost too much and he shut his eyes closed tightly to tone it down. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Jared sitting there with his head down, his hands intertwining tightly, and uncomfortable silence is surrounding both of them heavily.
“See, I told you everything was more than how it was at that time...” Jared says after a while with a hint of dark humor in his voice. Only after he hears no reply coming from Jensen’s stiff figure then Jared sighs and lifts his hand to rub his temple in a defeated gesture.
“I’m sorry, Jen.... For everything, I really am...”
It sounds almost like a whisper, but those words are echoing inside Jensen’s head nonetheless. The younger man grits his teeth, waiting in dread to feel the usual desires to just get up and out of this place, presumably to hide inside his room and weep for hours. But it never comes. Instead, it is like he’s nailed to where he’s sitting, can’t and won’t move away from Jared for even an inch.
Because for some reason, this story Jared told him have finally pushed a trigger, it finally succeeds on making something shift deep inside of Jensen. Something he thought he could never feel again after everything that had happened, something that had been so long buried and locked in so tightly. He doesn’t know which one of these emotions that snaps at his core and flicks it open, but whatever it is inside is now out and is going berserk, messing him up until he no longer knows what to do.
Perhaps it’s the endless new points of view to some darkest moments in his life that keeps dawning on him from listening to Jared’s stories, or maybe it’s the regret, or it might as well be the realization which he knows is always there but never had a chance to take on. Either way, he can no longer deny it now. In the blink of an eye, it has become as clear as day for him that this thing between him and Jared doesn’t always have to be so hard and painful, if only both of them are willing to let go of the past and just seize the moment. Well, Jared surely has seized it. And now Jensen feels kind of stupid as he is trying to digest a newfound fact that maybe, after all of his fucking preach to Jared to just let go of the past and move on, it is Jensen himself who hasn’t been ready to do so.
Jensen sighs. Well, isn’t this peachy? He wonders if his mind can choose a better timing to change its course on this whole Jared topic. It will only be one more day before he leaves this place and gets on with his life, but Jensen should have known that God or any powerful entity up there has never made things go as he plans it. Things have always turn messy with a bang in Jensen’s life, and to his reluctant amusement, this resignation he is feeling might be a sign that he has gotten used to it.
Jensen chuckles softly and turns to look carefully at Jared. The older man seems to be conflicted enough with his own feeling, fails to sense whatever mental alteration that is shifting and growing inside Jensen, but Jensen studies him thoroughly nonetheless. To his surprise, what he now feels is kind of liberating. His eyes are taking sight of Jared’s forlorn figure, and before he knows it, his mind is already playing different kind of scenes he had never dared before to imagine, running endless possibilities he had never allowed himself to even think about before. The result made his heart thump like crazy, his stomach is doing simultaneous flip flops and for once, the fear that usually accompanies such thought isn’t there to make his brain stop these things it does. Or perhaps the fear is still there, but is smothered over by these overwhelming excitement and challenging ‘what ifs’ that has gone wild once Jensen is stripped off of all his usual inhibitions.
It’s exhilarating, yet horrifying at the same time and Jensen grips the fabric of his pants tightly as he tries to control himself or else he’s sure he’ll be hyperventilated soon from all the rush.
Now that it all has come to this, Jensen needs to say something to Jared, and to do so, he needs to be calm. He won’t get his point across if he says it with a quivering voice and trembling hands or madly beating hearts. He needs to sound okay so Jared will understand that he means it. All of it.
Jensen fully realizes that it’ll be like opening the gate to a secret place in him that once forbidden for Jared to enter. No doubt, there’d be more questions ensue coming from the older man. Though, if there’s still something he isn’t quite sure of, it’ll be the answers to those questions. But Jensen decides to go with the flow and not wasting the moment. After all, this is the most courageous and confident he has ever been. Somehow it empowers him, making his heart feels so light like it never had for so long. It makes him feel he can do anything and all of a sudden happiness doesn’t seem to be too farfetched now. In short, it feels so fucking amazing that instead of being a stuck up like he used to be whenever this kind of desire comes up, Jensen allows himself to be carried away this time.
“I guess at this point, both of us were never at fault...” Jensen starts, eyes looking forward, hoping he’ll find it in him to say all the right words. “Somehow, life had fucked us up, even when all we did was caring too much about one another.”
Jared slowly lifts his head to stare at Jensen. His eyes are widening with disbelief, and even without looking Jensen can sense how Jared’s once crushed hope is coming back to life. Jensen takes a deep breath, encouraging himself to continue and ignore all the cautions and warnings that’s starting to go rampant in his head. He smiles bitterly, “Seriously, all this time, what have we done to ourselves, Jared?”
“Jensen...” Jared whispers his name while holding down breath; as if afraid the whole thing will be just another illusion.
Jensen turns and looks at him in the eye, can’t help it when tears start to gather and blur his vision, no matter how much he’s struggling not to crack. “I believe it’s enough now..., isn’t it? Let’s stop hurting each other...” His voice is trembling, his breath stuck in his throat and he wishes so hard that what he’s doing now is the right choice to make, that this will not be one of those times -again- when he puts his heart out in the open only to find it stomped and crushed into nothing.
There are flashes of moments, and before Jensen can even blink, Jared is already sitting closer -much closer- to him that he can feel his body heat through layers of clothes he’s wearing. Jensen swallows, hard, realizing that his heartbeat is skyrocketed even more -if it’s possible. Despite the queasiness he feels in his gut due to their sudden proximity, Jensen finds himself unable to look away from those eyes.
“Please... “ Jared pleads, trying hard to control his voice. “Please tell me that you meant what I think you did, Jen.”
The tears finally spilled over Jensen’s cheek now. He shakes his head slowly, faint smile on his lips and eyes still on Jared’s. “I’m just... tired, Jared.” He said softly. “I know I’ve said things that are quite contrary to what I’m going to say now, but the fact is I’m still pretty much in love with you. And though I kept denying it, I can see that you still love me too. I think it’ll be a mistake if I don’t grab this chance for all its worth. For once, fate has been kind to me and all I know is that I’ll be damned if I turn my back away from everything I have ever dreamt of all my life.”
It is silent for a moment. Jared’s hand is trembling as he takes hold one of Jensen’s. “You’re saying...” He stops for a second to clear his throat. “You’re saying you’d like to try?”
Jensen’s smile falters at that question. Now that it has come out in the open, Jensen feels even more uncertain than ever. “I don’t...” He tries to answer and apparently fails miserably. He then sighs before looking down; squeezing Jared’s hand in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. “I won’t leave any time soon. That I can give you, Jared. But about that.... it’s not like I don’t have that in mind. It’s just... I need some more time to think about it.”
And to Jensen’s relief Jared slowly nods, understanding clear in his gaze. Considering how close Jensen is to turn around and leave the possibility of even them trying to stay together in the same place, Jensen guesses what he is offering is already exceeded Jared’s expectation anyway.
“God...” Jared’s cracked voice breaches Jensen’s ears and Jensen lifts his head to stare at him. Jared looks like he’s about to burst. His whole body is shivering with something akin to excitement, and his grip on Jensen’s hand gets impossibly tighter.
“You have no idea how happy I am now, Jen. I feel like I’d die right now if I don’t hug you or something...”
Jensen is taken aback a little by that passionate statement, recognizes a desperate plea for permission on the older man’s gaze. Before he knows it, he can’t stop his smile from getting wider. “I think I can handle a hug alright.” Hell, Jensen knows it’s the least of what they both deserve after all this time.
Right then and there, as Jared swoops him inside his embrace in one swift move, Jensen can feel heavy contentment which is spreading his inside like a wildfire, making him bite back a sigh. Their chests are touching, and Jared’s heartbeat apparently matches him in crazy speed. There is no turning back now the way Jensen sees it. He has taken the first step. Judging from the way he feels torn between falling and flying, Jensen guesses both of them will still have a lot to worry and more hurdles to overcome. But they can always figure those out later. Much later, in fact, since right now all Jensen wants is to savor the warmth of Jared’s body all over him. A sensation he had once lost and tried to forget.
“I’m sorry, Jared.” Jensen mumbles when his mind is suddenly filled with memories from the past, his heart stinging from regrets. Jared goes still for a second and Jensen knows that Jared knows that this time, he’s saying those words of apology for both of them. So Jensen chucks those regrets away, determined to just look towards the future from now on as he tightens his hands around Jared’s waist and burrows his face deeper into the older man’s broad shoulder.
---00o00---
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(Coldplay - Fix You)
TBC
PS: Will try to reply to comments on previous chapter when I get the chance... And as always, comments for this chapter are loved and appreciated. :)
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Special Note: Super thank you to mymuseandi a.k.a Lyn for helping me beta-ing this chapter. I owe you huge thanks, like I always do. :)
The next day, Jensen makes Jared patiently wait for him to finish planting all the rose seeds he can find in the shed, clearing all the tools after, washing his mudded hands clean, and taking a deep breath to prepare himself mentally before finally taking a seat next to Jared, ready to hear another story.
It’s funny how he and Jared sit together on this very bench day after day. Jensen doesn’t even hesitate to agree to do this. Perhaps it’s because at the end of each day, after the night falls and Jensen is in his bed, he is filled with wondering thoughts that for once aren’t that repulsive to think about.
He doesn’t believe it at first, but hearing Jared’s story makes him feel a little better about himself and Jensen kind of likes it. It’s been too long since he tried to remember the old days and didn’t end up cringing or fighting to hold back tears. Instead, now each and every memory of those dark times is like an exciting riddle for Jensen to figure out. He will pull out a fragment of those and he’ll spend hours trying to come up with what actually happened at that time, from Jared’s point of view. What exactly had Jared actually done or thought when things were starting to fall apart between them. It is thrilling to try to look back into their past in a better point of view where Jared was not actually hating him with all his guts, but instead was just simply falling helplessly in love with Jensen.
Jensen pulls himself out of his thought to stare at Jared and frowns at the sight of him looking so tense and without his usual smile.
“Jared, are you okay?” Jensen asks, Jared blinks, before looking back at Jensen and it’s clear that he is worried about something.
“Yes, I’m fine.” Jared replies quickly, offering Jensen his usual smile.
“No, you’re not.” Jensen says. “What is it?”
Jared stares down at his tightly entwined fingers. “Nothing. It’s just that this story I am going to tell you isn’t exactly a happy one. And to tell the truth, I’m a bit reluctant to share it with you because I don’t want to make you upset or anything after hearing it.”
Jensen goes silent for a while at that, feeling braver than ever when he finally says, “Why don’t you just hit me with it and we can see about me being upset later?”
Jared stares at him. “Yeah,” He mutters after long minutes pass, his tone lower than before and a small smile stretched over his lips. “Yeah, sure.”
And that’s how he begins his story.
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Jared knew he shouldn’t be doing this kind of thing anymore. He was already in his second year of high school and he should’ve passed this phase a long time ago: this brother bonding and Jensen tagging along with him everywhere he went.
But he was enjoying this, and Jensen wasn’t complaining. And the fact that being with Jensen all the time made his heart feel warm all over didn’t help. So things were still pretty much the same after all these years.
Jared was gay and he never had any interest whatsoever on women. Surprisingly, Jared had embraced this side of him quickly enough. No struggle, not much of self-denial and the next thing he knew was he already jumped into this newly found identity with both feet, though not without secrecy involved. His family was nowhere near ready, and Jared was smart enough to know that this fact was for his knowledge only, at least for now.
But the realization that he fell in love with his own stepbrother took a while to settle inside his head. He had had his fair share of fighting it, telling himself that it was just a simple sibling admiration and all those bullshit. But when his nights were filled with dreams of him and Jensen together, leaving him to wake up every morning with damp, wet briefs and racing breaths, Jared finally gave into that side of him too.
Jensen was of course as clueless as ever to notice how Jared always took each chance available to be all over him, shamelessly taking advantage of their close relationship. Sure, Jared found himself afraid occasionally, wondering how Jensen would feel about him if he finally knew. But that didn’t stop him from tackling Jensen onto the couch over remote while he was reveling at the way his hands were touching Jensen’s warm and soft skin. That didn’t stop him from hugging Jensen anytime the occasion allowed him. That didn’t stop him from having even wilder dreams of Jensen writhing beneath him on his bed. That didn’t stop him from dreaming and hoping that somehow, someway, he’ll find a way to make things work out between him and Jensen. And it certainly didn’t stop him from trying to make Jensen’s world consisted of him and him only, eliminating every chance of Jensen getting closer to one of his female friends whom to Jared’s annoyance seemed to be all over his baby brother.
And Jared had never thought twice of doing those things, never had any doubt or self-questioning at the way he selfishly hogged Jensen all the time. Not until today.
They were slumping together side by side on the couch, watching some football rerun on TV. It was their usual Friday night. Moreover, they were too tired to go somewhere to spend the night out after their swimming session this afternoon.
Jensen had his feet on Jared’s lap, hogging a bucket of ice cream in his hands and it was all Jared could do to watch Jensen’s red lips licking his spoon over and over again. Jared was pretty sure he would be having one of those intense wet dreams again tonight. But hey, he wasn’t complaining.
“I met Lisa Harts today on my way to supermarket.” Jensen said casually, as always, completely oblivious to Jared’s hungry stare that was set on him.
“Yeah?” Jared responded absentmindedly, too distracted by the sight of Jensen’s tongue to try and remember who the hell this Lisa Hart was.
“Yep. You don’t remember her? She used to be our neighbor across the street before she and her family moved to Chicago. Apparently, they’re moving back into town, found a great house for sale near Richardson’s and there she was, on her way to shop for groceries for their housewarming party.”
Jared’s forehead was frowned a bit as he was digging further into his brain, trying to pull Lisa Hart out of his childhood memories. “Ah, yes.” Jared finally nodded, grinning. “I remembered her. She was that girl who always tried to kick all the neighborhood’s boys’ asses, right? She never had ours though. We’re way too good for her.”
Jensen laughed at that. “Yeah, we were. But... she turns out to be a pretty decent girl now, you know? Now she looks like one of those cheerleader girls that keep buzzing around you all the time at school. I mean, all mini skirts and long blonde hair, but minus the mean attitude.” Jensen said, eyes staring playfully at Jared. “She’s quite nice, I’m sure you’ll agree once you get to see her again.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, you brat?” Jared pasted a smile on his lips despite a strange feeling suddenly fleeted inside him at hearing Jensen’s meaningful words.
Jensen shrugged, suddenly looked serious. “Nothing. It’s just that... Mom said it’s about time for you to get a girlfriend and lose your virginity or something like that, and she’s a bit worried that you haven’t gotten any.”
Jared saw a true concern on Jensen’s expression and he laughed, couldn’t help it for all the irony on this situation. Jensen looked at him questioningly and Jared lifted his hand. “Sorry. But you should tell Mary that she doesn’t have to worry about that.” Jared wiped a tear off his eyes from laughing too hard. “I just haven’t found an interest in having a girlfriend and all. It seems too much of a bother right now.”
Jensen tilted his head to the side. “But is there really no girl out there that caught your eyes?”
Jared fell silent at the question. The throbbing pain from hearing something like that coming out of Jensen’s mouth made Jared said something stupid that he knew for sure he’d regret later: “I don’t really care about girls.”
As soon as those words got out, Jared was this close to punch himself out. But Jensen was just sitting there, looking puzzled yet oblivious as ever, clearly because he didn’t catch any hidden meaning behind what Jared had said. It should’ve made Jared feel relieved, but instead it annoyed the hell out of him.
“What about you?” Jared asked through gritted teeth, deep down he was not quite sure if allowing his temper controlling his reasons like what he was doing right now was a smart thing to do. It wasn’t like he wanted Jensen to find out about his feelings, but at times, Jensen’s cluelessness could really get to him. “Do you find girls interesting enough? Do you want to get a ‘girlfriend’ just so you can have someone to hold hands or date with?”
Jensen looked like he was taken aback by the question. For a minute, his head was frowning as he thought of the answer. “Actually, I don’t know yet.” Jensen finally said, shrugging. “Right now, for me girls are just a bunch of squealing, gossiping creatures. But ever since I’m a little boy, I’ve been dreaming about having a nice family around and even though I’ve already had one right now,” Jensen glanced at Jared and smiled warmly. “I think it’s a great idea to make another one myself later. So I guess one day I’ll find a girl to marry and just settle down. I know that’s what Mom’s hoping for. It surely will make her happy and that will be enough.”
And just like that, Jared’s eyes opened up to the real situation laid before him. He could feel his heart breaking in two and the pain suddenly escalated so much that it felt as if it was clenching his insides. Jensen’s string of words had finally made him realize something: Jensen was not the only clueless person in this .He was too.
For Jared to think that somehow his feelings for Jensen could get some resolution in the end was completely stupid. They were brothers, and to top it off, they were both men. Their family was a respectable one. His proud father would never accept the fact that his eldest son was gay. Jared would surely end up doing one thing he’d never wanted to do to his father: disappoint him. Mary would be broken hearted at that too, especially if by doing so Jared would succeed in dragging Jensen down into having the same preference as he had. And now that he had seriously thought it over, Jensen was always crazy about family. He wouldn’t even consider returning Jared’s love, and even if he would, it’d only be based on his kindness and the fact that he would never do anything to hurt Jared. If that happened, Jared could never forgive himself; because it’ll mean that his selfishness would become the sole reason in making Jensen lose everything meaningful for him.
It dawned on Jared now that there were just too many obstacles, too much impossibility, too much things at stake for him to go on with his feelings and hope for Jensen. So from that day onwards, Jared had decided to make some changes in his life. He had never meant for things to spiral down to what it had then become, but he was left with no choice since things didn’t go down as he had planned. At first all he did was trying to erase the feelings he had for Jensen. He knew it’d be hard, but by the end of the third month, he realized that it was downright impossible. Jensen was still the same as he would ever be: looking up to Jared so much, maintaining his crystal clear wish to always be pampered and close to Jared as he always was. It took all of Jared’s strength to prevent his mind from going wild while Jensen was clinging to him in the worst possible way, as oblivious as he was before to Jared’s situation. It then inevitably led Jared to move things up a notch. He started to create some distance away from Jensen. Just a bit at first, but Jared couldn’t help it as it was getting more and more stretched as time went by, to the point of him fleeing the room each time Jensen came around.
It hurt. And Jared knew Jensen was hurt too. Every time he backed away whenever things got too friendly between both of them, Jared could feel his heart constricted by the pain. Seeing Jensen’s saddened face worsened him. Along the years, no matter how he always had tried his best not to, he could not miss the dark sadness clouding Jensen’s eyes as he was watching Jared with hopeful yet questioning stare. Sometimes, Jared came so close to telling Jensen the truth, the reason why he had been doing what he was doing. But then Jensen’s words about wanting to marry a girl one day and settle down flashed into his mind, along with the disappointed face of his father and Mary’s betrayed look. Those were always enough to keep his mouth shut and looked away.
Unbearable as it was, Jared had to do this. It was the only way they could stay as a family, just like how Jensen wanted them to be.
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The sun is almost set by the time Jared ends his story. One of the maids has turned the garden lights on, and the shade both from those and the sun is creating soft golden glow emanating all over garden’s grounds. This particular sight is one of Jensen’s favorite views, actually. But at the moment, his heart is pounding too much for him to take any notice, let alone to bask in it.
This one story turns out to be a little bit different from others he had heard before. After the first two times Jensen could always feel a flow of warmth spreading through his insides. Hearing previous stories is like going through a detoxification. It frees him, even if just a bit, from all those ever-increasing pain and remorse gathered throughout the years of his life. But this story causes nothing of the sort. It’s like a pointy dagger which sole purpose is stabbing -precisely and repeatedly- on an old wound that has yet to be healed even after all this time, and Jensen is struggling to control his emotions.
Jensen doesn’t even realize the way his fingers gripping the side of the bench hard, but Jared can see it clearly through his glances. Sighing, Jared feels a growing desire to beat himself to death. He knew already that it would be too painful for Jensen to hear what he had just told. Hell, it even pained himself. But despite all the casualties, it’s crucial for Jensen to know the truth. And after years of keeping it to himself, Jared owes it to his past self -and to Jensen-- to finally set the story right.
A long moment of silence passes before Jensen finally opens his mouth. “I guess I did talk a lot about wanting a family back then, didn’t I?” His voice is hoarse with a hint of grim humor.
Jared doesn’t know how to respond to that statement, so he just whispers a short yes as he watches a sad smile slowly spreading on Jensen’s face.
Hearing that one word coming out of Jared’s mouth -his tone filled with despair and lethargy- makes Jensen feels familiar warmth spreading his insides. Suddenly, Jensen understands what Jared is trying to say to him through this particular story. Jared isn’t lying when he said that the sole reason he had done everything he did back then was for Jensen’s happiness. No more and no less. It was all Jared could do, even when every part of him had never wanted to do it in the first place, and Jensen realizes that he can’t really blame Jared for that. He would have done the same if he was in Jared’s shoes. The thought makes Jensen wants to cry, because now he knows that when he thought he was suffering alone, it turned out Jared was feeling the same pain, if not longer and much worse than what Jensen had felt.
Jensen finally can see now why Jared is doing this. There are so many wounds when it comes to their past together, and apparently Jared is trying to patch them, one story at a time. And Jensen will be lying if he says it doesn’t work, because it does.
The problem is, along with the realization is the knowledge that Jared is hoping for him to change his mind about leaving. It will be fine if the idea hasn’t crossed Jensen’s mind after listening to those stories, but now Jensen is seriously wondering what it would be like if he decides to stay. There’s this growing happiness from knowing that all this time, when it comes to the relationship between the two of them, Jared is feeling the same way and is sharing the same pain he bears throughout his life. But then again, it collides with his fear and painful traumas that’s still haunting him. If he opens his heart again this time and get hurt in the end, Jensen knows he will die from a broken heart.
Jensen can feel a headache coming on. There are just too many things jumbled up inside his head and it makes him feels dizzy and scared. Gritting his teeth, Jensen quickly rises up from his seat. “I’m sorry.” Jensen feels flustered. “I don’t feel well. I think I’ll go back to my room for now.” And without looking back, Jensen strides towards the house, leaving Jared who’s watching him with remorse clouding his eyes.
---00o00----
Despite the way he felt the last time, Jensen finds himself sitting next to Jared on the same bench the next afternoon.
Jared had asked him this morning if he was alright through the intercom and Jensen knew Jared was worried for he didn’t come down to have dinner last night. Jensen told Jared (and himself) that he was okay but both of them knew better than that. It was only after Jensen came out of his room at midday that he found out Jared had left a message for him through one of the maids before he left for the office, saying that he’d wait for Jensen at the garden at same time as yesterday.
Jensen knows that for his own sake he should have said no to that invitation. He should have told Jared to just shut up and bring his sob story somewhere else where Jensen can’t hear it.
But in the end here he is. Jared is clearly surprised when he saw Jensen step foot onto the garden. After the way Jensen reacted yesterday, Jared must have assumed Jensen will never agree to this kind of thing anymore. Hell, that was also what Jensen had had in mind at first. However, Jensen finds himself unable to resist, because it is their stories. They’re part of Jensen’s memories too and each word coming out of Jared’s mouth is like a piece of puzzle that completes the whole picture of both of their life. A whole picture that used to be blank and mysterious in so many spots inside Jensen’s mind that trying to remember it used to make Jensen feels lost and broken. And isn’t this what he has been wanting for all this time?
A closure. An explanation.
Now that he gets it, he can’t stop himself from hoarding it. Each time he does, it’s chipping away his worthlessness bit by bit and it feels good. Too good.
All his life, Jensen had always put aside or was forced to give up his wants, his desires, his happiness. He’s also used to think carefully before doing each of his acts, knowing that whatever he does, there will be a chance it might cause another bout of misery for him. But this thing that he feels right now, somehow he is reluctant to let it go. This time, he wants to be selfish and careless. He needs to. Perhaps, it’s the one last good thing that’ll ever happen to him and Jensen decides to cling onto it, as long as he can. Considering the day he’ll be leaving this house is getting nearer, it won’t be that long anyway.
So Jensen braces himself and comes to the garden, ignoring Jared’s penetrating gaze on him as he takes his seat, ready to listen to whatever it is Jared’s going to tell him.
“Don’t you have a story to tell?” He asks after a while, turning his head to look at Jared who is just sitting there, watching him without saying anything.
Jared blinks, once, twice, before diverting his gaze forward and clearing his throat. It’s after another long pause when finally Jared opens his mouth. “Do you remember my first summer holiday away from campus?”
It’s now Jensen’s turn to blink. There is a sudden pang in his heart at memories of that certain period floating in his head as result from hearing Jared’s question. Jensen lets out a grim chuckle, feels kind of disappointed that Jared decides to tell him that particular story. “So you’re going to tell me about that one? Seriously?”
“Don’t you want me to?” Jared shoots back, eyes on Jensen.
Jensen watches Jared’s clearly determined expression before shrugging, careful to keep hurt from showing on his face. “I just think there isn’t much story behind what happened that time, is it?”
“No, Jen. Everything was more than how it was at that time.”
Jensen shuts his eyes tightly. Already, he can feel the mixed emotions intensifying inside him. He folds his hands around his body before sighing and says in a resigned voice. “Fine. Tell me how it actually was then.”
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This was horrible. Jared had been through so much just to make sure he wouldn’t have to face this kind of situation anymore.
He didn’t know what kind of reaction Jensen was having at this, but after years of barely talking to each other, Jared had assumed that maybe Jensen would be pleased with the whole thing, which made it all the more worse for Jared.
If he could, he would’ve said no to Mary’s request and happily spent his time at his dorm for the whole summer holiday instead, just like he had always done before. He was already in the end of his third year in university after all. He had gained enough popularity and groups of friends --not to mention flings-- that he was certain he wouldn’t have had a hard time looking for something (or someone) fun to do. But even as a growing teenager in his first year of high school, Jensen was still considered a minor and Mary was reluctant to leave Jensen alone without any family around while she and Jared’s dad went out of town for Mary’s treatment. It would be awesome if Jensen could tag along with them, but alas, Jensen had decided to take extra classes for summer. Thus, here was Jared, expected to babysit his baby brother/object of his wet dreams/the man he still pretty much loved and had been avoiding for almost four years now.
It was only for one week, and Jared had made it through the first two days without making any meaningful contact with Jensen. He hung out at various clubs at night and went home in the morning to sleep his days away. However, Mary found out and scolded him through phone for not taking his responsibilities of taking care of his brother seriously. For the sake of not making her health worsen due to worry, Jared had apologized and promised her that he’d stay home for the rest of the week. Bound by his own words and having nowhere to escape the situation at hand, Jared was certain the next few days would be a total disaster. He could feel it strongly in his guts. Jensen, it seemed, had noticed that Jared was spending his nights at home instead of going out like he used to so Jared wouldn’t be surprised if there was a knock on his room’s door anytime now. He wasn’t so much of expecting it as dreading for it to happen. He knew Jensen was waiting for an opportunity to talk to him in his effort to rekindle their bond, and it looked like he would finally have his chance.
Jared didn’t like the possibility of that. Not one bit. He really wished Jensen could leave things the way they were. Even when Jared knew that Jensen had no idea of the reason behind Jared avoiding him the way he did, but if Jensen could just accept it and moved on, it would do both of them good. But apparently his brother was nowhere near ready to put it past them, and Jared knew exactly what Jensen had wanted to talk to him about. In the end, the question ‘why’ would come out, and Jared wouldn’t be able to answer it truthfully without making all of his sacrifice for all this time went to waste.
That was why for each day he spent at home, Jared would pass it by sleeping while Jensen was going to his cramp classes. At night, he would invite one of his fuck buddies to stay over and he made sure Jensen was aware of it, just so Jensen would leave him alone.
Jared wasn’t proud for doing it. But the fear building up inside him had left him no choice but to stoop so low.
It was indeed the first time for Jared to take a man home even when it had already been a year since Jared told his family that he was gay. Mary had been very understanding while Jared couldn’t quite get Jensen’s reaction. He was clearly surprised to hear that, but he didn’t say anything about it even until now. On the other hand, his dad had made a big fuss over it for months, and despite feeling sorry for disappointing his father, Jared had stood his ground. In the end, the high tide was over and Jared’s dad looked like he had made peace with the reality that his oldest son was gay.
All in all, Jared could safely tell himself that he had done everything he could to avoid turning the summer break into a major catastrophe like what he had feared from the start.
But apparently his plan was proven to be totally ineffective against Jensen’s stubborn nature. Jared had hoped Jensen would have enough sense to play along with his scheme, but sometimes his baby brother just didn’t know when to let go. And Jared was driven to the corner.
It was the sixth night. There was just one more day before their parents returned from their trip, and Jared would soon be freed from all this mess. Jared was at the end of his wits and he couldn’t wait to go back to his dorm life even though he had admitted that --even with all the fun and the flings-- he always felt empty and hollow there. After all, nowhere in this world was good enough for Jared ever since he left Jensen’s side. But hands down, Jared much preferred feeling empty and hollow rather than all these emotions inside him when Jensen was around. In this state, even looking at Jensen was simply too much for Jared. It made Jared wanted to reach out for him, to take a chance and get everything he had ever wanted. He wanted to do it so badly and it was suffocating, because he knew he couldn’t afford to waver now. Not after all this time.
Jared really wished he could make Jensen understand how important it was for things to stay just as they were. But he couldn’t, and now Jensen was standing there across the room where Jared was currently in the middle of a heavy make-out session with this guy whose name he couldn’t even remember. Jared could see Jensen’s eyes were going wider while he was watching the guy --who obviously hadn’t realized that they had an audience standing behind him-- planting kisses all over Jared’s nape. Jared was beyond surprised, and he wanted to tell the guy on top of him to stop and just fucking get off, but he didn’t. Instead, he was just laying there on the couch and stared back at those green eyes. Jared wondered what brought Jensen out of his room tonight. He knew Jared kept bringing random people home at night and he usually stayed out of Jared’s way. But perhaps Jensen too, was aware that their parents would come back tomorrow night and decided to seize his last opportunity, no matter what.
If that was true, Jensen hadn’t said a word about it. For a long minute, it went on like a cheap show in a stripper joint where Jared played his part as the exotic dancer at the center of the stage while Jensen was the voyeur with the unreadable gaze. It was uncomfortable to say the least and Jared was about to tell the guy to stop when Jensen cleared his throat and finally said something while averting his gaze to the other side of the room.
“Jared, I need to have a word with you.”
Jared watched in amusement as the guy on top of him jerked up at hearing Jensen’s voice, turning his head behind his shoulders quickly and letting out a squeaky sound when he saw Jensen there. “What the fuck...?!” He muttered while scrambling to get off of Jared. But Jared stopped him from doing so by holding him with his strong arms, wordlessly telling him to stay where he was. The guy stared at him, confused, and Jared noticed Jensen had the same puzzled gaze thrown at him.
Jared was ignoring both of them as he used one of his hands to sneak inside the guy’s shirt and gently ran his fingers along the skin beneath. The guy shivered at the touch. “Jared...” The guy whispered between his teeth. “What the hell are you doing?”
Jared answered him with a smirk, his fingers found one of the guy’s nipples and he flicked it once, causing the guy’s body to jerk unconsciously, accompanied by a held back moan. When Jared talked, his words were directed to Jensen who was watching the whole scene in disbelief. “I’m busy, Jen. Can’t you tell?”
Even if Jared’s voice was a bit shaken, Jensen didn’t seem to notice. It took a few seconds, but anger was eventually shown in those green eyes, and Jensen clenched his jaws as he spoke. “I can see that, Jared. But would you mind taking your brain off your dick for just a moment and come out to talk with me?”
The time is running out, was what Jensen didn’t say out loud, but Jared can hear it reverberating in the air anyway.
Jared didn’t budge though. The guy threw his head back, ecstatic at the feel of Jared’s touch all over his torso, and Jared accepted the silent invitation, craning his head up a bit to lick along that slender neck. Jared felt relieved as this guy seemed to have decided to follow along Jared’s scheme, whatever it was, and had thrown his worry and embarrassment out of the window. As if on cue, he started to grind his hips on Jared’s lap, and Jared had to bite back a growl threatening to come out at the way his dick responded to the treatment.
It was horrifying when Jared noticed how turned on he was. Jared was no newbie when it comes to foreplay, but it usually took more than a fucking hips-grinding to get his dick interested enough. This time though, Jensen was right there, watching him as he was focusing his mind on trying to make another man squirming on his lap, and fuck if that gaze didn’t fan his burning lust and made his skin crawl with excitement. It was so fucked up, so twisted... so wrong, yet so arousing at the same time. Jared had never hated himself more than he did at the moment. Disgust filled his stomach, and Jared felt exactly like that one time when he fucked a guy senseless in the middle of bad hangover.
Except that this felt worse.
“Go away, Jen.” Jared retorted, those words coming out harsher and with a tone much lower than he meant to but Jared didn’t care. He’d end up hurting Jensen more than he already had if Jensen didn’t get his ass out of the room quickly because Jensen wanted to have a fucking conversation and there was no way in hell Jared would allow that to happen.
Jared could sense Jensen’s desperation at hearing his answer. His shoulder sagged, and he lifted one of his hands to rub his eyes in a defeated manner. “ Please...Jared, just a word...” His voice was breaking now, almost hoarse, and Jared’s inside clenched tightly at hearing it. “You’ll be gone tomorrow and there’ll be no more chance for us to do this.”
A sharp ache from his jaw didn’t stop Jared from grinding his teeth. His hands reached down in one swift movement and even though his ears were slowly deafened by the mad thumping of his heart, Jared could still hear both Jensen and the guy on top of him gasped out breath almost in unison as the sound of his zipper being pulled down was echoing through the room.
Jensen sounded frantic now, and scared. For one second Jared wondered if that was a sob he heard coming from the younger man’s mouth.
“Jared, God.” Jensen stuttered, already took one step back away from where he was standing firmly before. “Please, I just....”
Yeah, it was definitely a sob.
“I just need to understand... It’s painful like this and I just want to know why!” Jensen nearly yelled the last sentence out, shutting his eyes closed tightly to prevent himself from further watching the scene in front of him. But Jared kept acting like he paid no heed nor heard a word Jensen had said.
Jared slipped a hand beneath his pants, letting his throbbing member out in the open with such velocity. The guy on top of him took his time to drag his eyes from the freed cock up to Jared’s hard gaze, looking like he was torn up between either wanting to smack some sense into Jared’s head or pleading for permission to just go down already and suck the hell out of the man.
The guy knew what kind of game Jared was playing with his step-brother. He fully understood that he was just an icing on the cake here. However if someone asked him, he’d definitely say it was a messed up situation. He didn’t quite get why Jared had bothered to do it in the first place. Hell, that cute brother of his only demanded a conversation, didn’t he? So why the hell was Jared getting so hell bent to avoid that simple request? Judging from all those jaw-clenching and pain-filled eyes he could see on Jared’s face, he could sense that no matter which side won, Jared would end up losing anyway. But hell, it got him hotter than any foreplay and he didn’t want to end it by complaining. It had been a long time since he had a mind-blowing fuck, and he bet all his money that he’d experience one soon tonight if he just shut his mouth and tag along the scenario Jared had set up.
“Jared...” Jensen looked like he had no more clue as to what he could say that would make Jared listen. Tears were threatening to fall off those green eyes but he still stood there, swaying, and not for the first time, Jared cursed Jensen’s stubborn nature.
It seemed Jensen left him no choice. With his heart so heavy he found it difficult to breathe, Jared laid down on his back, trying to control the trembling in his voice as he looked deep into the guy’s eyes and barked, “Suck me.”
Everything moved in slow motion in Jared’s eyes. The guy moved and a moment later Jared could feel a ghost of hot breath over his cock, followed by a flick of tongue. Jared swallowed hard and threw his head back onto the couch’s hand rest, the corner of his eyes was watching as Jensen was frozen on his feet for what felt like forever before finally, finally, turning back and left the room with his head down and his fists clenching on his sides.
Jared lifted one of his hands to cover his face. Despite taking what could have been one of the wildest blow job he had ever gotten, Jared’s whole body felt numb and he wasn’t at all surprised when a trickle of tears left his eyes, flowing down along his cheeks and dripped onto the soft cushion below.
Even for a man, this kind of pain would surely be accompanied with a cry. It was unavoidable. After all, it did hurt that much.
For many years to come, that was the last Jensen had ever come to him in search of an answer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jensen dug his fists, trying to breathe as innumerable emotions raging inside him. It is almost too much and he shut his eyes closed tightly to tone it down. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Jared sitting there with his head down, his hands intertwining tightly, and uncomfortable silence is surrounding both of them heavily.
“See, I told you everything was more than how it was at that time...” Jared says after a while with a hint of dark humor in his voice. Only after he hears no reply coming from Jensen’s stiff figure then Jared sighs and lifts his hand to rub his temple in a defeated gesture.
“I’m sorry, Jen.... For everything, I really am...”
It sounds almost like a whisper, but those words are echoing inside Jensen’s head nonetheless. The younger man grits his teeth, waiting in dread to feel the usual desires to just get up and out of this place, presumably to hide inside his room and weep for hours. But it never comes. Instead, it is like he’s nailed to where he’s sitting, can’t and won’t move away from Jared for even an inch.
Because for some reason, this story Jared told him have finally pushed a trigger, it finally succeeds on making something shift deep inside of Jensen. Something he thought he could never feel again after everything that had happened, something that had been so long buried and locked in so tightly. He doesn’t know which one of these emotions that snaps at his core and flicks it open, but whatever it is inside is now out and is going berserk, messing him up until he no longer knows what to do.
Perhaps it’s the endless new points of view to some darkest moments in his life that keeps dawning on him from listening to Jared’s stories, or maybe it’s the regret, or it might as well be the realization which he knows is always there but never had a chance to take on. Either way, he can no longer deny it now. In the blink of an eye, it has become as clear as day for him that this thing between him and Jared doesn’t always have to be so hard and painful, if only both of them are willing to let go of the past and just seize the moment. Well, Jared surely has seized it. And now Jensen feels kind of stupid as he is trying to digest a newfound fact that maybe, after all of his fucking preach to Jared to just let go of the past and move on, it is Jensen himself who hasn’t been ready to do so.
Jensen sighs. Well, isn’t this peachy? He wonders if his mind can choose a better timing to change its course on this whole Jared topic. It will only be one more day before he leaves this place and gets on with his life, but Jensen should have known that God or any powerful entity up there has never made things go as he plans it. Things have always turn messy with a bang in Jensen’s life, and to his reluctant amusement, this resignation he is feeling might be a sign that he has gotten used to it.
Jensen chuckles softly and turns to look carefully at Jared. The older man seems to be conflicted enough with his own feeling, fails to sense whatever mental alteration that is shifting and growing inside Jensen, but Jensen studies him thoroughly nonetheless. To his surprise, what he now feels is kind of liberating. His eyes are taking sight of Jared’s forlorn figure, and before he knows it, his mind is already playing different kind of scenes he had never dared before to imagine, running endless possibilities he had never allowed himself to even think about before. The result made his heart thump like crazy, his stomach is doing simultaneous flip flops and for once, the fear that usually accompanies such thought isn’t there to make his brain stop these things it does. Or perhaps the fear is still there, but is smothered over by these overwhelming excitement and challenging ‘what ifs’ that has gone wild once Jensen is stripped off of all his usual inhibitions.
It’s exhilarating, yet horrifying at the same time and Jensen grips the fabric of his pants tightly as he tries to control himself or else he’s sure he’ll be hyperventilated soon from all the rush.
Now that it all has come to this, Jensen needs to say something to Jared, and to do so, he needs to be calm. He won’t get his point across if he says it with a quivering voice and trembling hands or madly beating hearts. He needs to sound okay so Jared will understand that he means it. All of it.
Jensen fully realizes that it’ll be like opening the gate to a secret place in him that once forbidden for Jared to enter. No doubt, there’d be more questions ensue coming from the older man. Though, if there’s still something he isn’t quite sure of, it’ll be the answers to those questions. But Jensen decides to go with the flow and not wasting the moment. After all, this is the most courageous and confident he has ever been. Somehow it empowers him, making his heart feels so light like it never had for so long. It makes him feel he can do anything and all of a sudden happiness doesn’t seem to be too farfetched now. In short, it feels so fucking amazing that instead of being a stuck up like he used to be whenever this kind of desire comes up, Jensen allows himself to be carried away this time.
“I guess at this point, both of us were never at fault...” Jensen starts, eyes looking forward, hoping he’ll find it in him to say all the right words. “Somehow, life had fucked us up, even when all we did was caring too much about one another.”
Jared slowly lifts his head to stare at Jensen. His eyes are widening with disbelief, and even without looking Jensen can sense how Jared’s once crushed hope is coming back to life. Jensen takes a deep breath, encouraging himself to continue and ignore all the cautions and warnings that’s starting to go rampant in his head. He smiles bitterly, “Seriously, all this time, what have we done to ourselves, Jared?”
“Jensen...” Jared whispers his name while holding down breath; as if afraid the whole thing will be just another illusion.
Jensen turns and looks at him in the eye, can’t help it when tears start to gather and blur his vision, no matter how much he’s struggling not to crack. “I believe it’s enough now..., isn’t it? Let’s stop hurting each other...” His voice is trembling, his breath stuck in his throat and he wishes so hard that what he’s doing now is the right choice to make, that this will not be one of those times -again- when he puts his heart out in the open only to find it stomped and crushed into nothing.
There are flashes of moments, and before Jensen can even blink, Jared is already sitting closer -much closer- to him that he can feel his body heat through layers of clothes he’s wearing. Jensen swallows, hard, realizing that his heartbeat is skyrocketed even more -if it’s possible. Despite the queasiness he feels in his gut due to their sudden proximity, Jensen finds himself unable to look away from those eyes.
“Please... “ Jared pleads, trying hard to control his voice. “Please tell me that you meant what I think you did, Jen.”
The tears finally spilled over Jensen’s cheek now. He shakes his head slowly, faint smile on his lips and eyes still on Jared’s. “I’m just... tired, Jared.” He said softly. “I know I’ve said things that are quite contrary to what I’m going to say now, but the fact is I’m still pretty much in love with you. And though I kept denying it, I can see that you still love me too. I think it’ll be a mistake if I don’t grab this chance for all its worth. For once, fate has been kind to me and all I know is that I’ll be damned if I turn my back away from everything I have ever dreamt of all my life.”
It is silent for a moment. Jared’s hand is trembling as he takes hold one of Jensen’s. “You’re saying...” He stops for a second to clear his throat. “You’re saying you’d like to try?”
Jensen’s smile falters at that question. Now that it has come out in the open, Jensen feels even more uncertain than ever. “I don’t...” He tries to answer and apparently fails miserably. He then sighs before looking down; squeezing Jared’s hand in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. “I won’t leave any time soon. That I can give you, Jared. But about that.... it’s not like I don’t have that in mind. It’s just... I need some more time to think about it.”
And to Jensen’s relief Jared slowly nods, understanding clear in his gaze. Considering how close Jensen is to turn around and leave the possibility of even them trying to stay together in the same place, Jensen guesses what he is offering is already exceeded Jared’s expectation anyway.
“God...” Jared’s cracked voice breaches Jensen’s ears and Jensen lifts his head to stare at him. Jared looks like he’s about to burst. His whole body is shivering with something akin to excitement, and his grip on Jensen’s hand gets impossibly tighter.
“You have no idea how happy I am now, Jen. I feel like I’d die right now if I don’t hug you or something...”
Jensen is taken aback a little by that passionate statement, recognizes a desperate plea for permission on the older man’s gaze. Before he knows it, he can’t stop his smile from getting wider. “I think I can handle a hug alright.” Hell, Jensen knows it’s the least of what they both deserve after all this time.
Right then and there, as Jared swoops him inside his embrace in one swift move, Jensen can feel heavy contentment which is spreading his inside like a wildfire, making him bite back a sigh. Their chests are touching, and Jared’s heartbeat apparently matches him in crazy speed. There is no turning back now the way Jensen sees it. He has taken the first step. Judging from the way he feels torn between falling and flying, Jensen guesses both of them will still have a lot to worry and more hurdles to overcome. But they can always figure those out later. Much later, in fact, since right now all Jensen wants is to savor the warmth of Jared’s body all over him. A sensation he had once lost and tried to forget.
“I’m sorry, Jared.” Jensen mumbles when his mind is suddenly filled with memories from the past, his heart stinging from regrets. Jared goes still for a second and Jensen knows that Jared knows that this time, he’s saying those words of apology for both of them. So Jensen chucks those regrets away, determined to just look towards the future from now on as he tightens his hands around Jared’s waist and burrows his face deeper into the older man’s broad shoulder.
---00o00---
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(Coldplay - Fix You)
TBC
PS: Will try to reply to comments on previous chapter when I get the chance... And as always, comments for this chapter are loved and appreciated. :)