translation feedback

[blackbird_tanya]

I am doing some translation work for a Grappa label. The original text was not at all what the product tasted like (I demanded a bottle to do the job right) so now I find I am working from scratch. My deadline is tomorrow afternoon (eeep!) and creativity doesn't work well under pressure

Comments

[kattale]

Sounds divine! (Even if it might kill me...)

The first option flows much more nicely than the 2nd, and has a lot better "sell" to it. It really nails the product - gives a lovely clear description that is very enticing. The 2nd didn't quite sell it for me.

You might also want to avoid the phrase "a harmonic" because it would be "an harmonic" depending on where you are in the world and what accent you have - someone would find it sounds wrong no matter which you chose.

[moria73]

This isn't just translation, this is all-out marketing writing. First off, I did a quick bit of research and I don't think eau de vie is actually the appropriate English term for a grappa that can't be called grappa. Eau de vie is apparently clear and typically not aged in wood casks. If it's a German brand, you might just want to use the German term: Tresterschnapps. Or else call it a pomace brandy.

For the writing, what do you think of this:

Select merlot grapes, oak-aged and distilled according to a secret Old World recipe, deliver a pomace brandy as rich in character and aroma as it is in tradition. A balance of fire and harmony, pure and natural, with notes of bright cinnamon, sun dried raisins, apricots and fresh walnut. A must for the collection of any true connoisseur.

It's a few words longer than your two versions... I don't know what your word count limit is.

[moria73]

Hmmm... just reviewing that last line... I think either "A must-have for the collection of any true connoisseur" or maybe "A prize for the collection of any true connoisseur."