okie well i wen to barnes and noble. yippeee.. got some poetry books. and thats about all that happened. now im pretty damn bored. but what else can i do about that? not much.
been applying all over the fucking place... no luck. not yet but i will! i promise.. i hope.

trying not to let suicidalness really concieve in my mind where it can be used as ( Read more... )

it doenst feel like my birthday.... 
i lost alot instead of gaining.... and then i gained more weight from the depression... lord help me.

well im on my way to a 50th birthday party ha im just kind of glad to be getting out of the house and being able to get all dressed up. I got a brand spankin new straightner and it works wonders on my kinky hair! Only thing now is just being able to not think about anthony. its alot harder then it seemed. you would think it would be easy since i've ( Read more... )

So everything was a lie. Living within sugarcoated fantasies can really rot ones brain. I was taking in the fact that I felt I wasn’t worth much. Needy. I hate how true that word applies to me. You know I don’t know what to believe anymore but I know I want to get out of it. I know I want so much better for myself. Eyes can only see what the heart ( Read more... )

i know hes with someone else now. its obvious. why does it hurt so bad to know this.... when i know it was all my fault and yeah maybe he needs to this to move on. but im not gonna lower myself to that. im not going to submit to it. 
but god it crushes me. that little tone in his voice. "i dont owe you anything"

i guess thats just how it goes... 
god ( Read more... )

it was a nice day. still being all gloomy though. i dont know weither i should call anthony or not. i want to. so badly but it seems he really just doesnt want to try anymore. and im sorry...

im going to go play tennis tomorrow. maybe i can take my anger out on the ball...

hope everyone had a good fathers day.. take care

im just as heart sick as he is but i know its worse for him.

last night i dreamt somebody loved me...

i didnt loose hope when we broke up before.. im not going to loose it now. things can always change. i want him to look in my eyes and actually tell me he doesnt love me anymore. then i can move on... but until then i will not and cannot stop loving ( Read more... )

so its time to focus on me. how the hell do i do that? im so used to focusing on anthony, on andrew, where do i begin? well for one thing i want to join weight watchers. b/c doing it on my own isnt working sadly. and my mom is going to buy this weiight watchers cook book too to help us along ( Read more... )

Well its been like a day since i talked to anthony and i guess i cant talk to him until hes not so pissed at me. but i really dont know when that will be so ill just wait a week. i still cry over this but its off and on. my mom keeps telling me he'll call me. i dont know weither to believe that or not. how do you forgive a constant liar? my mom ( Read more... )

so i guess i was meant tobe alone..

i hurt the only boy who ever really loved me..

god forgive me...
anthony forgive me