(no subject)
wow.
how mean.
maybe i should move here.
hahah.
yeah im the best person in the world to dictate whats mean & whats nice.
hahahhaha
im starting to get the hang of things really,starting to see things from an angle where no one can whisper suggestions in my ear.ill admit that it was a terrible thing & no shit i shouldnt have done it.& maybe the best thing to do is to get dumped(since ive never been dumped.usually my relationships dont last long enough for that to happen)& maybe one day when im less selfish & stupid ill make things somewhat better.
it was a mistake that ive learned from.its now in the past,i cant go back in time to change it,no matter how much i want to.im sorry & youll never know how much i love you.
i can never hate you.
i will never hate you.
i have never hated you.
although i cant say the same for you.
you probably wont even read this,but hopefully someone will ask you about that one entry in domi´s lj & theyll tell you about it & maybe youll go & see it.
ive ruined things for us,dont tell me otherwise,but ive tried to imagine a life without you & i just couldnt.it wouldnt feel right to not have you there,to not see you,to not talk to you.ive fucked us up real bad,REAL BAD,but i dont know how i could go about my life without you to squeal when something gross is on tv(like the lady who was getting plastic surgery on her chin & you could see the yellow fat) or to say snubull really funny like or to play those hand games like Miss Susie or Miss Sue.it would be weird not seeing you cry about something that i would get angry about(me & my temper) or not hearing your mom yell for you from downstairs to wash the dishes.
ive been remenising lately with all the extra time i have to myself..
remember when you started stabbing your wall with a knife because you got sooooo pissed off at your mom?or when your mom yelled FUCKING TOILETS!?remember when your puppy bit my nose?or the demonic barbie that melvin gave you?or the possessed furbie?or the evil book that we put in the freezer?remember that computer game you had with all the math & stuff on it that i couldnt do?or the barbie video game that got boring after about 10 minutes but we loved playing it for some weird reason?remember when we would blast blink 182 in your room & jump on your sister´s bed to 'all the small things'?remember when you taught me how to ride a bike & i was like....12?or when we'd play color in the pool with faith or lexy?remember the pidgeons on top of that pole?remember the cookies we'd buy at school,the chocolate chip ones that were green in the middle?chalupas?pampa-hootie-whatie?the boy on madtv who did the whitney houston thingy?when we'd jump on brandon's trampoliene & he'd try to hump our legs calling it bacon?jesus loves you?remember when oscar used to pick us up from school & i hated him?when we'd catch all those lady bugs & keep them in sweaty jars?the holes we dug inmy backyard?the hobo ring we sorta fought over?the forbidden zone in my living room where my rabbit peed?remember when we used to fart on gina & laugh until we nearly peed ourselves?remember when i forced vincent & brandon to wrestle to the death?remember brians stories about how he died?remember mr daily & the possessed kid at the wedding?when we slept in your closet or at least tried to but since it was haunted we didnt?when we'd make clothes for our stuffed animals like sarge the beanie baby german shepard out of socks that had no pairs?or when your sister slammed your mom's car into your porch?when we went to our first movie together,pokemon?how i only like the jelly..?how we put sprinkles on our grilled cheese sandwhiches or how brian would jump funny when we'd use the jump ropes at school?remember how we used to threaten john with panties & lipstick?or how you were always better than me at handball?& when we played batminton in the middle of the street & i made all the birdies go on your roof?or how you ran away the day you were supposed to move in with tom?remember the gtame we used to play at school with scott & adam one the monkey bars & how i used to whine & bitch about being the monster?the dinosaur foot tree?how i was being too informational?when my cat got run over?when we released butter feathers into the wild of the park?when we made ice cream at school & i started crying because i did mine wrong & you shared yours with me?
after i think about all those things i get so happy because i love you more then you think & i tresure ever moment i spend/spent with you even if i may not seem to.i find it difficult to express my feelings to you & everyone else because i fear being so open.i always have a guard up,i always have.& im so sorry,i really am,please believe me.i dont want things to end just because of my mistakes,but ill understand & respect any decision that you make.
i may get angry at times,i may do or say hurtful things to you,but deep down i love you so much & i dont mean anything.i know that must sound like horse shit,but if you can remember the domiDOMINIQUE ANDREA DE LA PENA that practically lived with you all those years ago,then remember that she loves you more then her parents,& that shes just growing up too.shes making mistakes & learning just like you,shes trying her best to be decent but its difficult & you know that.she wants to get through this with you,she wants the two of you to last until death seperates you.she wants all those silly lanyards & keychains that say 'best friends forever' to be true to themselves.she wants to save us,very badly.
kristen,i love you.
im sorry.
how mean.
maybe i should move here.
hahah.
yeah im the best person in the world to dictate whats mean & whats nice.
hahahhaha
im starting to get the hang of things really,starting to see things from an angle where no one can whisper suggestions in my ear.ill admit that it was a terrible thing & no shit i shouldnt have done it.& maybe the best thing to do is to get dumped(since ive never been dumped.usually my relationships dont last long enough for that to happen)& maybe one day when im less selfish & stupid ill make things somewhat better.
it was a mistake that ive learned from.its now in the past,i cant go back in time to change it,no matter how much i want to.im sorry & youll never know how much i love you.
i can never hate you.
i will never hate you.
i have never hated you.
although i cant say the same for you.
you probably wont even read this,but hopefully someone will ask you about that one entry in domi´s lj & theyll tell you about it & maybe youll go & see it.
ive ruined things for us,dont tell me otherwise,but ive tried to imagine a life without you & i just couldnt.it wouldnt feel right to not have you there,to not see you,to not talk to you.ive fucked us up real bad,REAL BAD,but i dont know how i could go about my life without you to squeal when something gross is on tv(like the lady who was getting plastic surgery on her chin & you could see the yellow fat) or to say snubull really funny like or to play those hand games like Miss Susie or Miss Sue.it would be weird not seeing you cry about something that i would get angry about(me & my temper) or not hearing your mom yell for you from downstairs to wash the dishes.
ive been remenising lately with all the extra time i have to myself..
remember when you started stabbing your wall with a knife because you got sooooo pissed off at your mom?or when your mom yelled FUCKING TOILETS!?remember when your puppy bit my nose?or the demonic barbie that melvin gave you?or the possessed furbie?or the evil book that we put in the freezer?remember that computer game you had with all the math & stuff on it that i couldnt do?or the barbie video game that got boring after about 10 minutes but we loved playing it for some weird reason?remember when we would blast blink 182 in your room & jump on your sister´s bed to 'all the small things'?remember when you taught me how to ride a bike & i was like....12?or when we'd play color in the pool with faith or lexy?remember the pidgeons on top of that pole?remember the cookies we'd buy at school,the chocolate chip ones that were green in the middle?chalupas?pampa-hootie-whatie?the boy on madtv who did the whitney houston thingy?when we'd jump on brandon's trampoliene & he'd try to hump our legs calling it bacon?jesus loves you?remember when oscar used to pick us up from school & i hated him?when we'd catch all those lady bugs & keep them in sweaty jars?the holes we dug inmy backyard?the hobo ring we sorta fought over?the forbidden zone in my living room where my rabbit peed?remember when we used to fart on gina & laugh until we nearly peed ourselves?remember when i forced vincent & brandon to wrestle to the death?remember brians stories about how he died?remember mr daily & the possessed kid at the wedding?when we slept in your closet or at least tried to but since it was haunted we didnt?when we'd make clothes for our stuffed animals like sarge the beanie baby german shepard out of socks that had no pairs?or when your sister slammed your mom's car into your porch?when we went to our first movie together,pokemon?how i only like the jelly..?how we put sprinkles on our grilled cheese sandwhiches or how brian would jump funny when we'd use the jump ropes at school?remember how we used to threaten john with panties & lipstick?or how you were always better than me at handball?& when we played batminton in the middle of the street & i made all the birdies go on your roof?or how you ran away the day you were supposed to move in with tom?remember the gtame we used to play at school with scott & adam one the monkey bars & how i used to whine & bitch about being the monster?the dinosaur foot tree?how i was being too informational?when my cat got run over?when we released butter feathers into the wild of the park?when we made ice cream at school & i started crying because i did mine wrong & you shared yours with me?
after i think about all those things i get so happy because i love you more then you think & i tresure ever moment i spend/spent with you even if i may not seem to.i find it difficult to express my feelings to you & everyone else because i fear being so open.i always have a guard up,i always have.& im so sorry,i really am,please believe me.i dont want things to end just because of my mistakes,but ill understand & respect any decision that you make.
i may get angry at times,i may do or say hurtful things to you,but deep down i love you so much & i dont mean anything.i know that must sound like horse shit,but if you can remember the domiDOMINIQUE ANDREA DE LA PENA that practically lived with you all those years ago,then remember that she loves you more then her parents,& that shes just growing up too.shes making mistakes & learning just like you,shes trying her best to be decent but its difficult & you know that.she wants to get through this with you,she wants the two of you to last until death seperates you.she wants all those silly lanyards & keychains that say 'best friends forever' to be true to themselves.she wants to save us,very badly.
kristen,i love you.
im sorry.