HP Reread 2010: Chamber of Secrets. The whole damn thing.
So after taking a while to track down a copy, I managed to knock out all of CoS in two days. Because I am fucking awesome.
So I think I actually like this book. Like, legit, it was fun. Maybe I'm on crack. But whatever.
We begin with Harry being miserable with Dursleys. There's some important dinner party, and he needs to pretend to not exist. I actually like that bit of dialog. Anyway, that doesn't work so well, because a psychotic house elf named Dobby is punishing himself in his bedroom. Dobby tells him not to go back to Hogwarts. Harry says fuck no. Dobby does some magic, ruins the dinner party, and leaves, meaning Harry takes the blame (for the magic, too. That will be important in a few books). The Dursleys lock him in his room and barely feed him. I was always more upset that they didn't let Headwig hunt, which means she pretty much starves. It makes me sad.
Anyway, he's only there for a few days, because Ron, Fred, and George bust him out. In a flying car. Yeah, the Weasleys are that badass. They take him to the Burrow, where Mrs. Weasley yells and feeds them. The degnome a garden, and generally just be cool. Ron's little sister Ginny might have a crush on Harry. No big deal.
Harry uses Floo Powder for the first time, and ends up in the wrong street. The place clearly reeks of evil. Harry hides in a black cabinet thing, and watches Mr Malfoy and Draco come into the evil wizard shop. Mr Malfoy stays long enough to make it clear that he is a srsly evl wzrd and then bolts. Harry happens to run into Hagrid who takes him to Gringotts. He, Ron, and Hermione shop for a bit and gossip about the Malfoys. Then we meet Gilderoy Lockhart. No joke, I love this crazy son of a bitch. He's fucking nuts, and knows it. He's just hilariously bad, and it's fantastic. Anyway, women are swooning over him, and he gets a photo op from Harry freakin Potter, because he's just that ballsy. Then there is an epic battle in the form of Mr Malfoy v. Mr Weasley. It's badass.
So now it's time to go to Hogwarts. Except the barrier seals itself, so Harry and Ron come to the logical conclusion that they should just steal the flying car again. They do, and crash it into a tree that fights back (again, important. Whomping Willow. Remember that.) Snape catches them, tries to expel them, but Dumbledore is awesome and steps in. They even get sandwiches.
Term starts. Harry makes a few new Hufflepuff friends, but it won't last long. Their first Herbology lesson is on mandrakes, which is super important. Some other stuff happens. Oh yeah, Ron tries to curse Malfoy and belches slugs for a few days. That was gross. I don't really remember, but I do know that Halloween ends up sucking majorly. Harry, Ron and Hermione go to Nearly-Headless Nick's deathday party, and stumble upon the first attack from the evil monster in the Chamber of Secrets. It's Mrs Norris, but that it's not totally important. What's important is that Harry heard a voice before the attack, and THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE.
So we're all terrified now. At some point there is a Quidditch match with a Bludger that wants to crush Harry. It breaks his arm. Lockhart then removes the bones in his arm, because he's that fucking stupid. Harry spends the night in the hospital wing, and Dobby visits him, and tells him how he's trying to ruin his life. Harry is mad, but cannot resist big green tennis ball eyes, apparently. Oh, and at some point out three musketeers decided to brew a Polyjuice Potion and question Malfoy, is clearly so evil he must be related to Slytherin. Remember Polyjuice Potion. It's important.
Lockhart makes a Dueling Club. First meeting is a total fail, as Malfoy conjures up a fucking snake, and Harry tries to stop it from eating one of his new Hufflepuff friends, but he speaks Parseltongue, which means he is now the srsly evl wzrd. Justin is the attacked the next day, as well as Nearly Headless Nick, in a bizzare turn.
Christmas. Polyjuice is ready. Harry and Ron find out Malfoy isn't that evil. Hermione is turned into a cat.
Harry finds this stupid little book, but it's blank. Discovers that it absorbs ink. Writes in it, obviously. Turns out it writes back. It's this Tom Riddle dude, and he was at Hogwarts fifty years ago. He was charming, and smart. You should be taking notes. He caught the person who opened the Chamber the first time. It was Hagrid. Except not really. But still, Hagrid is blamed this time, and is taken to Azkaban. But not until Hermione and some random chick are attacked. Hermione said she had figured something out, but of course, she never got the chance to tell them...
So Harry and Ron follow Hagrid's last bit of advice, which means the follow spiders into the forest, and are nearly eaten. They are saved by the car they crashed. It apparently forgave them.
Then Harry starts putting pieces together. He can hear a voice because the creature attacking students is a snake. Hermione had figured this out. No one is dead because they all saw reflections. The Chamber of Secrets is under Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Harry and Ron go down there, and bully Lockhart to go with them. Lockhart tries to erase their memory, but is using Ron's broken wand, and accidentally erases his own, causing a massive explosion, which mean Harry, our Hero, must venture forth alone. He find Ginny and a partially realized Tom Riddle, who grows up to be Voldemort. So Harry fights a giant snake with the help of his new phoenix friend, and a really nice sword that he pulled out of the Sorting Hat. He ten defeats Riddle by stabbing the dire with a snake fang. That's right, a fucking snake fang.
Harry saves the day, Dumbledore throws a feast in the middle of the night, and all the victims are restored. Happy ending. I like this one well enough, but the third is always switching around for my favorite. So I'm pumped for that one. FUCKING PUMPED. I may have had a massive crush on Sirius Black, back before the movies and he looked like a cross between Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio in my head. Now in my head he looks like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. My mind refuses to make him over the age of 25.
So I think I actually like this book. Like, legit, it was fun. Maybe I'm on crack. But whatever.
We begin with Harry being miserable with Dursleys. There's some important dinner party, and he needs to pretend to not exist. I actually like that bit of dialog. Anyway, that doesn't work so well, because a psychotic house elf named Dobby is punishing himself in his bedroom. Dobby tells him not to go back to Hogwarts. Harry says fuck no. Dobby does some magic, ruins the dinner party, and leaves, meaning Harry takes the blame (for the magic, too. That will be important in a few books). The Dursleys lock him in his room and barely feed him. I was always more upset that they didn't let Headwig hunt, which means she pretty much starves. It makes me sad.
Anyway, he's only there for a few days, because Ron, Fred, and George bust him out. In a flying car. Yeah, the Weasleys are that badass. They take him to the Burrow, where Mrs. Weasley yells and feeds them. The degnome a garden, and generally just be cool. Ron's little sister Ginny might have a crush on Harry. No big deal.
Harry uses Floo Powder for the first time, and ends up in the wrong street. The place clearly reeks of evil. Harry hides in a black cabinet thing, and watches Mr Malfoy and Draco come into the evil wizard shop. Mr Malfoy stays long enough to make it clear that he is a srsly evl wzrd and then bolts. Harry happens to run into Hagrid who takes him to Gringotts. He, Ron, and Hermione shop for a bit and gossip about the Malfoys. Then we meet Gilderoy Lockhart. No joke, I love this crazy son of a bitch. He's fucking nuts, and knows it. He's just hilariously bad, and it's fantastic. Anyway, women are swooning over him, and he gets a photo op from Harry freakin Potter, because he's just that ballsy. Then there is an epic battle in the form of Mr Malfoy v. Mr Weasley. It's badass.
So now it's time to go to Hogwarts. Except the barrier seals itself, so Harry and Ron come to the logical conclusion that they should just steal the flying car again. They do, and crash it into a tree that fights back (again, important. Whomping Willow. Remember that.) Snape catches them, tries to expel them, but Dumbledore is awesome and steps in. They even get sandwiches.
Term starts. Harry makes a few new Hufflepuff friends, but it won't last long. Their first Herbology lesson is on mandrakes, which is super important. Some other stuff happens. Oh yeah, Ron tries to curse Malfoy and belches slugs for a few days. That was gross. I don't really remember, but I do know that Halloween ends up sucking majorly. Harry, Ron and Hermione go to Nearly-Headless Nick's deathday party, and stumble upon the first attack from the evil monster in the Chamber of Secrets. It's Mrs Norris, but that it's not totally important. What's important is that Harry heard a voice before the attack, and THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE.
So we're all terrified now. At some point there is a Quidditch match with a Bludger that wants to crush Harry. It breaks his arm. Lockhart then removes the bones in his arm, because he's that fucking stupid. Harry spends the night in the hospital wing, and Dobby visits him, and tells him how he's trying to ruin his life. Harry is mad, but cannot resist big green tennis ball eyes, apparently. Oh, and at some point out three musketeers decided to brew a Polyjuice Potion and question Malfoy, is clearly so evil he must be related to Slytherin. Remember Polyjuice Potion. It's important.
Lockhart makes a Dueling Club. First meeting is a total fail, as Malfoy conjures up a fucking snake, and Harry tries to stop it from eating one of his new Hufflepuff friends, but he speaks Parseltongue, which means he is now the srsly evl wzrd. Justin is the attacked the next day, as well as Nearly Headless Nick, in a bizzare turn.
Christmas. Polyjuice is ready. Harry and Ron find out Malfoy isn't that evil. Hermione is turned into a cat.
Harry finds this stupid little book, but it's blank. Discovers that it absorbs ink. Writes in it, obviously. Turns out it writes back. It's this Tom Riddle dude, and he was at Hogwarts fifty years ago. He was charming, and smart. You should be taking notes. He caught the person who opened the Chamber the first time. It was Hagrid. Except not really. But still, Hagrid is blamed this time, and is taken to Azkaban. But not until Hermione and some random chick are attacked. Hermione said she had figured something out, but of course, she never got the chance to tell them...
So Harry and Ron follow Hagrid's last bit of advice, which means the follow spiders into the forest, and are nearly eaten. They are saved by the car they crashed. It apparently forgave them.
Then Harry starts putting pieces together. He can hear a voice because the creature attacking students is a snake. Hermione had figured this out. No one is dead because they all saw reflections. The Chamber of Secrets is under Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Harry and Ron go down there, and bully Lockhart to go with them. Lockhart tries to erase their memory, but is using Ron's broken wand, and accidentally erases his own, causing a massive explosion, which mean Harry, our Hero, must venture forth alone. He find Ginny and a partially realized Tom Riddle, who grows up to be Voldemort. So Harry fights a giant snake with the help of his new phoenix friend, and a really nice sword that he pulled out of the Sorting Hat. He ten defeats Riddle by stabbing the dire with a snake fang. That's right, a fucking snake fang.
Harry saves the day, Dumbledore throws a feast in the middle of the night, and all the victims are restored. Happy ending. I like this one well enough, but the third is always switching around for my favorite. So I'm pumped for that one. FUCKING PUMPED. I may have had a massive crush on Sirius Black, back before the movies and he looked like a cross between Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio in my head. Now in my head he looks like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. My mind refuses to make him over the age of 25.