I'm sick of looking in the mirror every morning and hating what I see. My stomach bugs me A LOT. It's just annoying, seeing the 10 lbs.I feel like, if I lose more weight, guys will like me more? ..you think this, and yet can't understand why I don't eat? (that sounds totally bitchy, i know)
It doesn't sound bitchy, I get where you're coming from. But seriously, for you, it's different. You weigh 110 pounds, you've got a dancer's body, and you look amazing. You can't really see yourself as you are, because you're focused on what's on the outside. I'm being such a hypocrite right now, but anyways. You are so beautiful, Alice. You need to see that and not look at the "fat" you think you have. I do the things I do (kinda pushing you to eat things, saying don't do this, don't do that) because I care about you. I don't want you to do some of the things that I've done. I've done some things I'm not proud of, but I don't regret them, because I don't like living with regret. I've been through hospitals, emergency rooms, crash diets, drinking binges, starving myself for 3 days just to see what happened, and making myself vomit. And I don't want anyone to go through any of that, especially someone like you. You're so, how can I say this, well, like, innocent? I guess that's the only word I can come up with right now. What makes it
( ... )
Well, first off, I'm 115 right now... And, I get that you only care about me, which is why you try to make me eat, but no one really gets it. I hate my body, and I hate that I hate myself. I look in the mirror every day and sometimes I just start crying. Everyone says that I'm so skinny and that I need to eat, but I'm NOT! If I really thought I was skinny, I wouldn't go on my crazy diets if I didn't think I needed to lose weight. I feel like, if I lose more weight, people might, I don't know, pay attention to me more? Like, if I had a problem, people might care more about me? Hell, I might even end up liking myself if i lost more weight. I know I sounds totally retarded, but it all makes sense to me with my crazy Alice logic. I really really appreciate that you care about me, but at Lunch time and stuff when you guys are eating your cookies and stuff I wish I could be as carefree about eating as you guys, but I know I never will be, because for some reason, I care too much about the way I look. UGH. Sorry for the wall of text. >..<
So, you kinda feel like if you get uber skinny, people are gonna pay attention to you more? Well, they might, but it might not be good attention. It might be "look at that chick, she's so skinny, it's gross". What I think you've got is like body dysmorphic disorder, but that's just what I think since I saw a show about that. Devon always looks carefree because she's got a fast metabolism or magical powers or something, Kali could really give a shit less, and Lorenzo, well he's a dude! Not saying dudes don't care about their apprearance, but anyways. Me, I eat cookies and stuff like that, but when I get home, and sit in my room, and look at my arms and my stomach, I over-analyze everything. I freak and just sit there and stare at myself, and think, "Wow, those size 00 models on the runways must be so comfortable with themselves. Why can't I?". I guess this is just one of those things that we have in common: as much as we wanna be comfortable with ourselves and how we look, we can't. And I think that's what makes us such good friends,
( ... )
Comments 8
..you think this, and yet can't understand why I don't eat? (that sounds totally bitchy, i know)
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment