[[dont talk to me]]
I have Nerf Herder's "high five anxiety" song as my awayness on aim. Here are the lyrics to it:
high five anxiety, high five anxiety
dont raise your hand
dont look at me
high five anxiety
im not your bro & i'll never be
dont wanna play on your team, in your game
the last one picked
hey loser. hey loser thats my name.
dont talk to me.
dont talk to me....
walking down the street
cant figure out which side to pass on
left or right
cant merge on the freeway
dont know where to go
when you see me there, please dont try to hug me
makin me cry
dont know how to deal w/
did i say too much?
dont talk to me....
dont want your hate
dont want your lies
dont want your high apple pies.
dont want your hug
dont want your smooch
just stay away.
you fucking coon.
dont talk to me
dont talk to me
dont talk to me
dont talk to me.
Its off the American Cheese album. Which by the way, is amazing. So are all their albums, so go buy them cos they rock ass.
thats how I feel right now. Thats why its up. I just blew off a friend and put that up cos I'm so down.
Like I said to April on her myspace, I skipped bleh and blah and went straight to black. For those who dont know that...I say bleh sometimes. Then blah. And...black just comes out...I just say it...its weird, I know, but whatever.
Anyways.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel so gawddamn weird. "I feel so gawddamn bad" <--thats from a song and I can hear that line, the word might not be "bad"...but I can't fricken think of who it is or any other words...so its kinda gettin on my nerves. Well, thinking that made me think of Boxcar Racer's "Feel So" which was my favourite song back in 8th grade for awhile and I pulled out the cd and I was gonna play it...but for some reason my computer has no sound? No idea. Ah, I think the "i feel so gawddamn bad" reminds me that it might be Asa who sent it to me...hmm. Maybe I'm just going crazy.
I dont feel like eating. I dont want to eat. I'm not hungry. I'm thirsty. All i want is water. I ate though, with my parents, they make me eat. They indulge me with food. I want to throw up. This emptiness in my stomach, in my chest, it's killing me. I need to throw up. I want to bang my head on the toilet lid and fall unconscious to the confinement of my cool bathroom floor and the dim overhead light. I want my head to stop throbbing from thinking too much, and feeling so little, yet feeling all together so much. Although it's so much loneliness I still know how much I love and adore so many people. Strange as it may seem, I felt so distant with people suddenly. I finally realized how close I am to my friends this year and how extremely great my friends make me feel, and just as quickly as my love came for them and how easy it is for me to confide in them, I suddenly feel so distant and unaware and lost and ...not there. Not anywhere.
My brain lacks my self-confidency that I usually have, the right words, the right thinking span for my work. It feels like I've hit a writer's block, or an actor's wall, but I know I haven't because I'm still fully aware of how to do both. My heart feels closed and I've NO idea why. I don't know. I am terribly confused to why I feel this way. How could this happen to me when I was feeling so great and so loved and I feel so wonderful around my friends and at school? I don't understand! How could these feelings come about?! WHATS WRONG WITH ME!?!?
All I know. Is I don't really want to be talked to. I can't even find any music to fit me. I was searching this morning and what has been in my cd player for awhile is this mix my brother Joseph made that i added some songs to. I was riding to my house last night with J and I put that in the cd player and we were singing our fucking hearts out and I decided since he liked some of the songs so much, preferably *smile* "Lion sleeps tonight" and "Closing Time" that I just left it there for him becos I knew he'd enjoy it and I love it when he's happy. So, I was looking all through my cds and I couldn't find anything I wanted to listen to. Thats how my day pretty much started. and it amazed me to find I didn't want to listen to anything. Music is my life! How fucking strange can a day get without music?! I have, of course listened to music throughtout the day, I just couldn't find something to listen to ...does that make sense?
Oh, gee.
I'm going to stop this wallowing. I don't want to write anymore. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything and I have things I could and need to be doing. I'm just so damn lost right now. OH HAHA! I realized what song I think it was: He drove so gawddamn fast. Hah! thats totally different...but yes. I'm pretty positive it was that song. Ah. Alas.
Goodnight.