Saying What Needs To Be Said

[blackrosemoth]

That title probably makes it sound like I'm gonna do a good vague post saying something I "need to say". Sorry to be disappointing. This is just a musing about something I've discovered about myself of late

Comments

[doe_witch]

Putting the truth out there is such an amazing feeling. It's funny to admit that, because as I've already mentioned or hinted at, there are many situations in my life where I don't say anything, or I strategically lie. There are also many situations where I tell the truth but I don't say it the way that I'd really like to. Probably since my teen years I've wound up being very good at lying; I think what separates me from pathological liars is that it's always a conscious decision, it's always based on some external calculation, it's nearly always "little white lies," and it's virtually never been for the sake of my ego or attention. But... yeah. Despite this dubiously beneficial strategy, my constant wish is to be able to tell the truth- to be in a position where I can always tell it. It doesn't feel satisfying to lie, whereas it's actually some kind of high to take a deep breath and utter (or type) a completely honest statement after holding back in the past

[blackrosemoth]

That right there sounds freaking amazing. We continue to essentially be the same person. I am unbelievably proud of my ability to lie, but I'm not generally proud of having lied and try to do it minimally. I feel like it's a good skill to have in my back pocket if I need to protect myself or someone else, but yes. To be in a situation where it would not ever be required or even helpful would be incredible. :)

[joreth]

I discovered this about myself too. It's so liberating! All I have to do is work up the courage to actually say it, and then all the expectations and fears just go away. I think it makes me a better friend and partner, too, because I don't hold anyone else to my own internal expectations about how they should receive what I said. I think (I hope) it makes my acquaintances easier too, because no one feels (I hope) obligated or "weird" if I say something about my feelings towards them since I hold no attachment to how I want them to respond. I just kinda "put it out there" and I'm good.

And the more I do it, and the more the results are the same, the less those pre-spoken fears bother me because I can talk myself through those fears more easily with a history of "look, this is how it worked out last time, so just do it!"

[blackrosemoth]

Yes definitely. Not holding anyone to my expectations of their reaction is really helpful. I still try very hard to be correctly understood. But if I'm not understood then I generally assume responsibility for the fact that the person didn't understand me, which is not to say that the other person doesn't play a role in the communication. But, I'm only able to change my own behavior, and not theirs. So I focus on what I can change.

Also it can be a whole new set of mental gymnastics when the last attempt to communicate did NOT go well, so I have less good faith to build upon. Still, it's usually worth it and the right thing to do.