It's been 26 weeks!
That's what my homepage tells me. LJ has really become fancy. Well, this entry turned into a book as I wrote it. Feel free to skim/not read.. it's for myself too, of course, so don't feel obligated!
Well, so I'm writing here because I was pretty upset yesterday.
A little background:
Throughout high school, I constantly felt like I wasn't really living life (having fun, doing normal teenage things) because I was focused on school and doing well, to win parental approval. When college rolled around and I was on my own for the first time, I really started letting life in. Of course, this was at the expense of my academics. Freshman year and even at the beginning of sophomore year, this didn't really show as my courses were relatively easy. By the end of sophomore year, though, it was apparent that I wasn't putting enough work into my classes and I didn't have the appropriate study skills. Junior year I let life get in the way of academics, but I like to think it was a long time coming - I had a lot of emotion regulation issues to settle. For almost two years now, I've let life get in the way of academics. And for all of it, except maybe the last 8-10 months, I think it's been pretty legit.
Now, though, I think that when I let life get in the way of academics, it's an excuse. I think I've put some ghosts to rest and that now, if I blame life, usually it's me foisting blame from my own irresponsibility to "external circumstances." But I'll say that I didn't realize it until maybe the last couple of months, as I continually felt as though I wasn't getting what I earned, even though I was "putting the work in." Rather than second-guess my grades, I took a harder look at my studying and work efforts, and decided those needed changing.
Fast forward until last week. Last week, life -actually- got in the way. I got sick over the weekend and when I felt it coming on (Saturday night/Sunday morning), I instantly began taking care of myself. I went to bed super-early (10:30!), drank a lot of water, took vitamin C boosts, and triiied to eat fairly well. Nothing helped. Of course, this had to be the week of a neuroanatomy exam, the GRE, a philosophy exam, and the week before an endocrinology exam. Come Tuesday, I was feeling pretty bad physically. Wednesday I woke up feeling like my head would burst. But the GRE doesn't really let you reschedule easily, so I popped acetaminophen every 4 hours on the dot and took it anyway. My voice was pretty much gone and I couldn't swallow without wincing really, but I hoped that I'd feel better the next day. Nope. Thursday rolls around and I could've sworn I had a fever. The thermometer said otherwise, but I just felt... it was one of those times when you're sick and you just want to cry and have someone take care of you. I don't usually get that sick, either. The last time I was that sick, I -actually- cried and called my Mom (Fall 2006). Before then, I don't remember when I felt that bad. This time, there was nothing to do but go to the doctor. Which means I missed my neuro exam, missed the last class and discussion before my endo exam, and had absolutely no energy for my take-home philosphy exam (let alone the in-class one the next day).
what the fuck?
I finally realize that my recent problem, after handling my own emotional damage (to some extent, anyway), is that I keep letting life get in the way, and what happens but life is like, "nyaaah you can't ignore me this time!" What the fuck.
Let's talk about one particular thing here: my endocrinology exam.
I was having some trouble in the class already so I talked with the prof who said he'd put me in touch with a study group; also he told me not to e-mail him 'cause he'd remember to let me know. Well, he didn't remember. Not to be daunted (remember? not letting life get in the way? that means being active, not passive!), I asked a girl at the endo review if she wanted to study with me. She said yes! We were supposed to study Sunday evening. She fucking flaked. The only other person I know in the class is Farhana, a girl who used to live in my house. She's super nice and a pre-med, but I felt pretty awkward asking her stuff about the class since after she saw we were both in it, she's made absolutely no effort to talk with me or anything. I decided to try anyway. Long shot, but I contacted her as soon as I could - facebook message right after the flake was supposed to have called me, asking if I could get in touch for some holes in my notes. NOTHING. So here I am, exam day rolls around.. not only did my professor not get back to me like he said he would, but when I actively tried to help myself, the other person flaked, and then my last-straw hope fell through. What the fuck! I mean, I studied for hours beforehand, but I was still unprepared for the exam. I also found out that there were questions about abstracts of medical papers, worth a lot of points, at the end of the exam. Here's the kicker - we could've read over the abstracts beforehand, but I DIDN'T KNOW because I missed class on Thursday/discussion Friday because I was sick as a dog. I didn't even get an announcement about them being posted to Bspace! He says we have ten minutes left for the exam, I still have two pages on the abstracts left. WHAT THE FUCK. If that girl hadn't flaked, maybe she would've mentioned them and I could've read over them. Instead, I feel totally sheisted. Honest to goodness, truly sheisted. Ugh.
So now I've got five weeks left of school. I've got a lot of exams left, a final paper for my independent study project, and a final poster project for my seminar class still left. I'm going to give it my best (actively, not passively!), but I just wonder how well everything will turn out.
One thing I've been a little afraid of is failing to meet the goals I've set for myself this semester. I would really like to pass all my classes. I'm retaking two classes that I didn't do well in this last Spring (due partly to a legit life interference, and partly to me not handling that interference as well as I could've) and I know I'm doing well in one of them. The other one, that's more relevant to my major, is harder and I'm worried that I'm fucking it up. My exam is next Wednesday, so I'll be studying for it starting tomorrow but.. what if I don't pass it AGAIN? This time it will be due to my own negligence entirely. Could I take it a third time? Would I want to? Would there be any point?
I've learned that because I don't put in enough effort studying, I've become the Dumb Kid in class. The one professors ask pointed questions to, because they know I don't know the answer. I know I'm not actually dumb - I'm a pretty smart girl. But I know I have trouble focusing and studying appropriately. Now when I feel like I've been trying harder (110%!) to apply myself, it might not pay off. It may yield only marginally better results than before. What does that mean? Does it mean I still didn't know how to apply myself? Does it mean I should change my goals because they're unattainable for me? I'm a firm believer in the idea that you are what you make yourself. No goal is unattainable if you put your mind to reach it. What if that doesn't work?
So, that's how I was feeling yesterday evening. Stressed, tired, and a little sad. However, there are a few things in my life right now which really perk it up.
One is that I think I've successfully cut some poisonous people out of my life. And one of those people is Jay. We're still talking, on some sort of provisional basis as I understand it, but not much. Our romantic relationship in the Spring was kind of disappointing for me. I had a really good time at first, and then not so much as time went on. We've talked some about how I was feeling and he's explained how he was feeling/what he was thinking and he's understood that his behaviour wasn't really indicative of his thoughts. Aside from that, we had a really rough summer. I put up with it well; I knew I had hurt Jay, so I not only apologized profusely, but I tried to assure him it wasn't his fault and let him take his feelings out on me. It is natural to be angry and hurt after someone hurts you, and I wanted to let him release his emotions on the appropriate person, thinking it would help his recovery process. Six months later and I'm still being trashed, blamed for his self-esteem problems. I'm not going to stand for it anymore. I told him so very recently. We have long talks, I think we're moving forward, and then three days later he blames me for the damn thing again. It's a constant battle of "I know I made mistakes, and I'm sorry for them (me); thanks for apologizing, let's work on positive things and a healthy relationship (him); shit shit I blame you for everything, you wrecked me, go die (him)." I don't know what to do anymore except to give him one more chance to be a goddamn functional person with his emotions, and if he doesn't, cut that grief out of my life.
Another one is Keefe. I thought we had something good: a fun, satisfying physical relationship. It wasn't just sex; it was physical in that we'd spoon when we slept next to each other, interact at parties, back massages when we were stressed.. It got to the point of being pretty cute - he'd drop me off at school on his way to work, he asked about my cutting and my family history, and he even told me about stuff going on at work re: promotions etc. Then he led me on, into believing we could have some real emotional relationship too. I bit it, totally. And that's when he dropped off the face of the planet. Completely led me on, jerked me around - he'd ask if I wanted to hang out one night, say he'd call me at a certain time in the evening, and then stand me up. The next day, he'd make up some excuse about taking care of his friends and repeat. Well fuck that. I liked so many things about him. I couldn't believe he existed, actually. I had started to think of him in that exceptional way - "there's no one else in the world like him! I should put up with some of his BS because he's soo special." But recently, I've reminded myself that those ideas are dumb. The world is full of SO MANY PEOPLE. Sure, we're all snowflakes - but some snowflakes look damn near identical. I can find someone awesome in all the ways he was who WON'T disrespect me. I will miss the sex though - I can honestly admit it was the most satisfying sex I think I've ever had. But I'm done with that. I'm not interested in jerks who are too selfish to appreciate how giving I can be (especially when we're not heavy with emotions; I'm a pretty damn good partner when we're not tossing around the L bomb).
What else, what else.. besides positive social moves, I've taken a big step in my academic world (issues I mentioned earlier aside). For a couple of years now, I've had a strong interest in using MDMA as a therapeutic tool, as an adjunct with psychotherapy, with specific aims like post-traumatic stress, long-standing emotional issues, and couples therapy. I wrote up a syllabus for an independent study to get a thorough grounding in the history of MDMA's use in therapy, history of its scheduling, how it works in the brain.. and got it approved as an independent study with a professor I absolutely adore (who is also a favorite of students on UCB's campus). With his contacts, I'm meeting with a UCB grad student who's been doing research with MDMA for years. My professor (Dr. Presti) and the grad student (Matt Baggott) might be needing an RA, or that's what Presti said. I'm meeting with Matt tomorrow to go over some questions I have about MDMA and also to see how viable it is that I work with them. I would just be over the moon if he thinks it's possible that I could work with him next semester. It would give me experience in my field as well as training that I think could help prepare me for grad school in neuro, if I choose to go. I had planned on applying in the Spring, but I'm not certain I'm qualified. If Matt says he can train/use me, I'll learn skills that would help me with my resume and prepare me for grad school - awesome! Maaayyybee even pay me at the same time. Fuckin' sweet.
Lastly, I talked with an acquaintance recently and found we have something very important in common - we are both just now taking an interest in the poly love community. We had a lot of parallel thoughts and feelings. It was pretty cute when he mentioned that wondering if you're poly can be kind of like wondering if you're gay. You think to yourself, "maybe this time my monogamous relationship will work out; I wasn't trying hard enough before." It's like when people say, "Maybe if I put in more effort, I'll be straight. I'll just try really hard and be the best partner I can be, and it'll work!" And then it doesn't work. It's not that I -can't- be sexually monogamous. I've done it before in relatively long relationships. But I'm getting to a point where I feel connected with many people emotionally. I feel like I have the capacity to love many people; as Dustin (my friend) put it, love for one person doesn't restrict you from loving another person the same way. So, we're both going to a group meeting called the PolyGamers tomorrow. I'm interested in reaching out a little bit; we also talked about how it can be kind of scary, saying, "Okay, so now I'm going to try to identify with the polyamorous community." You think to yourself, "What the fuck? How did I get here?" But at the same time, we've tried non-poly love and it's been unsatisfying. I was so excited to meet someone who had been thinking and feeling some of the same things I had been.. my friends have been accepting and very kind, but my closest friends are all in long-term monogamous relationships. They accept me and love me for who I am, but I'm not like any of them in this respect so it's still a little awkward for me. It felt so good to tell him that my dream situation is a family with babies by all the people I love, and have him say, "that is an awesome dream." Not just, "I'm glad that could work for you" or "I'm sure you'd love that!" or something.. but someone saying, "yeah, I can see that, and it would be wonderful." Soo validating.
Finally (yes, there's more!), I had been having some trouble with my folks' divorce recently. I had been missing the house in Louisiana, missing my cat and taking care of her, thinking over the night Mom left (and more specifically, my father's behaviours and reactions), and especially thinking about how unbearably sad it is that for Mom to be happy, Dad has to be sad right now. She tried for a loong time (twenty years!) to talk with him, to explain her needs, desires.. and I think my dad just couldn't understand what she needed. He has very different emotional needs. He tried to give her what she needed, but he couldn't identify and so it was superficial and fleeting. In the meantime, she held out hope that things would work, but felt pretty constantly disappointed and rejected by him. I mean, I can sympathize. But it sucks that now, Dad is feeling even more depressed about himself than before, that he's hurt, angry, and dealing with a terrible situation and it's what has to happen for Mom to be happy. I fully believe she should be happy. She's really a very wonderful person - excellent wife, loving mother. And honestly, she was emotionally stunted by her relationship with my Dad in some ways. Some of her early arguments with her boyfriend sounded like ones I had when I was sixteen. I feel like she's growing up in some of her emotional beliefs, gaining self-esteem and self-understanding now as she couldn't have before.
I couldn't stop thinking about those things. I woke up one morning thinking about when I came back into my house, the night Mom left, after talking with Jay on the phone outside. It was about 3:30 in the morning. Dad must've been sleeping fitfully if at all, and he heard the door close. He came rushing into the kitchen, looking hopeful and expectant. Then he saw it was me, not Mom - and his face just fell. For once, though, I knew better than to make it about me. I know Dad wasn't disappointd to see me because it was me - he was disappointed because it wasn't my mother. Even if he didn't show it in ways Mom needed, he relied on her for so much in his daily life, and loved her in whatever capacity he could. I nearly cried when I thought about it that morning when it just came to me again, but then I controlled my tears and kept going with my day. It popped into my head at least twice again that day, and while I teared up a bit, I didn't cry about it. I was pretty depressed and distracted by it for a couple of weeks. Then, I decided to roll again. First time with Molly in a long time. All my reading for my independent study reminded me of how great it can be, how helpful. I kept thinking about when Rachel and I rolled before we moved away. So, I took a baby dose and talked with Margot for damn near two hours. I talked about that night and what happened; I gave her background including my parents' relationship, my relationship with my Dad, the events of 2007 leading up to the night.. it really helped to tell her how I was feeling, have her empathize, and to integrate it with all the other relevant memories in my life while I did so. This, I realized, is what it will be like when MDMA is approved as therapy. An issue nagging at me daily, hurting me deeply, that I couldn't move past on my own was being integrated, processed, handled with a little bit of Molly and a friend.
Anyway, I've felt a lot better since then. That night I also regained some self-respect and quit talking to Keefe; I resolved to be more active, not passive with my studies. Additionally, I decided that I had taken enough from Jay. It's funny.. I hadn't been smoking -that- much weed before then (god, especially when I think about my hellish past two years), but when I was rolling I thought to myself, "No more pot." And I haven't -completely- stopped since then (eg yesterday when I was hurt, stressed, and tired I ended up smoking) but I think I've stopped doing it just because it's there. On top of that, since I rolled with Margot, she and I talked about our relationship too. Margot, by the way, is a smart girl who is fucking gorgeous. We admitted to mutual crushes (she said the next day that she was giving Keefe dirty looks all night) and it felt nice to say it without being embarassed, ashamed, or having the fear that one of us was expecting some sort of change in our friendship. If anything, it just feels better to be around her now. I'm more comfortable because I can admit I'm attracted to her, she knows it too, and I know it's mutual. I don't know if I've had a friendship like this one before. Not to discredit my friendship with Rachel at all, because that is also something wonderful, but it's a separate thing and it's a little different.
I'm going to roll again soon, this time with Rachel. I think we've been wanting to roll together to reconnect after being away from each other for a year, and having so much happen over those twelve months. God, it felt like FIVE. I've got some more personal exploration to do, but I also can't wait to talk that honestly with her. I think we're pretty damn honest with each other, but it's something exciting and fun to be CERTAIN that you can say whatever you want and the other person will listen and understand.
I have been feeling a little sad because I'd like to roll with Jay and with my brother (separately!), and I'm pretty certain neither will happen. I mentioned it to Jay and he said no without researching what it would be like or what it could do. I'm not even going to mention it to my brother. The idea of any drug is pretty repulsive to him, as I understand it, and I am not interested in pressuring someone into doing something they believe is wrong. With Jay, I think we could actually take some steps forward - he could get over some of his issues (or at least, take big strides in them) and we could reconnect in a healthy way. With my brother, I just want to reconnect I guess. I was thinking recently (been doing a lot of that, haven't I?) about how he and I used to be really close. Honestly, growing up, I felt really alone in a lot of ways except I always had Biren. Especially when I was in junior high and starting high school, we were very close. After we had grown distant, I think some ground was covered when we had a joint meeting with my therapist in Baton Rouge. But I think Biren has been through a lot of difficult emotions of his own this last year and I imagine the idea of doing something formal, in a therapist's office for oodles of money, doesn't appeal to him; it doesn't appeal to me either and I think it would tire him out a bit. Doesn't stop me from thinking about rolling with him though. I keep envisioning rolling with him at his house, with or without Tara. I guess before I had thought it would be good to do it with just him, but I literally just now thought that it could be nice with her too. I guess while I'm dreaming, I might as well dream big, right? :) Anyway, I just think it would be so nice to talk with him about the last five or so years of our lives, comfortably, honestly, openly... while sitting at his apartment, where he feels at home and safe, and where I'm comfortable too. But I know it's pretty unrealistic and as I said, I'm not interested in asking him to do something that he thinks is wrong or unappealing.
Well, okay, I think that's actually all I want to write for now. I've been working on this entry for nearly two hours. I guess after feeling stressed out yesterday, I thought it would be good to get down some recent changes I felt were significant.
Well, so I'm writing here because I was pretty upset yesterday.
A little background:
Throughout high school, I constantly felt like I wasn't really living life (having fun, doing normal teenage things) because I was focused on school and doing well, to win parental approval. When college rolled around and I was on my own for the first time, I really started letting life in. Of course, this was at the expense of my academics. Freshman year and even at the beginning of sophomore year, this didn't really show as my courses were relatively easy. By the end of sophomore year, though, it was apparent that I wasn't putting enough work into my classes and I didn't have the appropriate study skills. Junior year I let life get in the way of academics, but I like to think it was a long time coming - I had a lot of emotion regulation issues to settle. For almost two years now, I've let life get in the way of academics. And for all of it, except maybe the last 8-10 months, I think it's been pretty legit.
Now, though, I think that when I let life get in the way of academics, it's an excuse. I think I've put some ghosts to rest and that now, if I blame life, usually it's me foisting blame from my own irresponsibility to "external circumstances." But I'll say that I didn't realize it until maybe the last couple of months, as I continually felt as though I wasn't getting what I earned, even though I was "putting the work in." Rather than second-guess my grades, I took a harder look at my studying and work efforts, and decided those needed changing.
Fast forward until last week. Last week, life -actually- got in the way. I got sick over the weekend and when I felt it coming on (Saturday night/Sunday morning), I instantly began taking care of myself. I went to bed super-early (10:30!), drank a lot of water, took vitamin C boosts, and triiied to eat fairly well. Nothing helped. Of course, this had to be the week of a neuroanatomy exam, the GRE, a philosophy exam, and the week before an endocrinology exam. Come Tuesday, I was feeling pretty bad physically. Wednesday I woke up feeling like my head would burst. But the GRE doesn't really let you reschedule easily, so I popped acetaminophen every 4 hours on the dot and took it anyway. My voice was pretty much gone and I couldn't swallow without wincing really, but I hoped that I'd feel better the next day. Nope. Thursday rolls around and I could've sworn I had a fever. The thermometer said otherwise, but I just felt... it was one of those times when you're sick and you just want to cry and have someone take care of you. I don't usually get that sick, either. The last time I was that sick, I -actually- cried and called my Mom (Fall 2006). Before then, I don't remember when I felt that bad. This time, there was nothing to do but go to the doctor. Which means I missed my neuro exam, missed the last class and discussion before my endo exam, and had absolutely no energy for my take-home philosphy exam (let alone the in-class one the next day).
what the fuck?
I finally realize that my recent problem, after handling my own emotional damage (to some extent, anyway), is that I keep letting life get in the way, and what happens but life is like, "nyaaah you can't ignore me this time!" What the fuck.
Let's talk about one particular thing here: my endocrinology exam.
I was having some trouble in the class already so I talked with the prof who said he'd put me in touch with a study group; also he told me not to e-mail him 'cause he'd remember to let me know. Well, he didn't remember. Not to be daunted (remember? not letting life get in the way? that means being active, not passive!), I asked a girl at the endo review if she wanted to study with me. She said yes! We were supposed to study Sunday evening. She fucking flaked. The only other person I know in the class is Farhana, a girl who used to live in my house. She's super nice and a pre-med, but I felt pretty awkward asking her stuff about the class since after she saw we were both in it, she's made absolutely no effort to talk with me or anything. I decided to try anyway. Long shot, but I contacted her as soon as I could - facebook message right after the flake was supposed to have called me, asking if I could get in touch for some holes in my notes. NOTHING. So here I am, exam day rolls around.. not only did my professor not get back to me like he said he would, but when I actively tried to help myself, the other person flaked, and then my last-straw hope fell through. What the fuck! I mean, I studied for hours beforehand, but I was still unprepared for the exam. I also found out that there were questions about abstracts of medical papers, worth a lot of points, at the end of the exam. Here's the kicker - we could've read over the abstracts beforehand, but I DIDN'T KNOW because I missed class on Thursday/discussion Friday because I was sick as a dog. I didn't even get an announcement about them being posted to Bspace! He says we have ten minutes left for the exam, I still have two pages on the abstracts left. WHAT THE FUCK. If that girl hadn't flaked, maybe she would've mentioned them and I could've read over them. Instead, I feel totally sheisted. Honest to goodness, truly sheisted. Ugh.
So now I've got five weeks left of school. I've got a lot of exams left, a final paper for my independent study project, and a final poster project for my seminar class still left. I'm going to give it my best (actively, not passively!), but I just wonder how well everything will turn out.
One thing I've been a little afraid of is failing to meet the goals I've set for myself this semester. I would really like to pass all my classes. I'm retaking two classes that I didn't do well in this last Spring (due partly to a legit life interference, and partly to me not handling that interference as well as I could've) and I know I'm doing well in one of them. The other one, that's more relevant to my major, is harder and I'm worried that I'm fucking it up. My exam is next Wednesday, so I'll be studying for it starting tomorrow but.. what if I don't pass it AGAIN? This time it will be due to my own negligence entirely. Could I take it a third time? Would I want to? Would there be any point?
I've learned that because I don't put in enough effort studying, I've become the Dumb Kid in class. The one professors ask pointed questions to, because they know I don't know the answer. I know I'm not actually dumb - I'm a pretty smart girl. But I know I have trouble focusing and studying appropriately. Now when I feel like I've been trying harder (110%!) to apply myself, it might not pay off. It may yield only marginally better results than before. What does that mean? Does it mean I still didn't know how to apply myself? Does it mean I should change my goals because they're unattainable for me? I'm a firm believer in the idea that you are what you make yourself. No goal is unattainable if you put your mind to reach it. What if that doesn't work?
So, that's how I was feeling yesterday evening. Stressed, tired, and a little sad. However, there are a few things in my life right now which really perk it up.
One is that I think I've successfully cut some poisonous people out of my life. And one of those people is Jay. We're still talking, on some sort of provisional basis as I understand it, but not much. Our romantic relationship in the Spring was kind of disappointing for me. I had a really good time at first, and then not so much as time went on. We've talked some about how I was feeling and he's explained how he was feeling/what he was thinking and he's understood that his behaviour wasn't really indicative of his thoughts. Aside from that, we had a really rough summer. I put up with it well; I knew I had hurt Jay, so I not only apologized profusely, but I tried to assure him it wasn't his fault and let him take his feelings out on me. It is natural to be angry and hurt after someone hurts you, and I wanted to let him release his emotions on the appropriate person, thinking it would help his recovery process. Six months later and I'm still being trashed, blamed for his self-esteem problems. I'm not going to stand for it anymore. I told him so very recently. We have long talks, I think we're moving forward, and then three days later he blames me for the damn thing again. It's a constant battle of "I know I made mistakes, and I'm sorry for them (me); thanks for apologizing, let's work on positive things and a healthy relationship (him); shit shit I blame you for everything, you wrecked me, go die (him)." I don't know what to do anymore except to give him one more chance to be a goddamn functional person with his emotions, and if he doesn't, cut that grief out of my life.
Another one is Keefe. I thought we had something good: a fun, satisfying physical relationship. It wasn't just sex; it was physical in that we'd spoon when we slept next to each other, interact at parties, back massages when we were stressed.. It got to the point of being pretty cute - he'd drop me off at school on his way to work, he asked about my cutting and my family history, and he even told me about stuff going on at work re: promotions etc. Then he led me on, into believing we could have some real emotional relationship too. I bit it, totally. And that's when he dropped off the face of the planet. Completely led me on, jerked me around - he'd ask if I wanted to hang out one night, say he'd call me at a certain time in the evening, and then stand me up. The next day, he'd make up some excuse about taking care of his friends and repeat. Well fuck that. I liked so many things about him. I couldn't believe he existed, actually. I had started to think of him in that exceptional way - "there's no one else in the world like him! I should put up with some of his BS because he's soo special." But recently, I've reminded myself that those ideas are dumb. The world is full of SO MANY PEOPLE. Sure, we're all snowflakes - but some snowflakes look damn near identical. I can find someone awesome in all the ways he was who WON'T disrespect me. I will miss the sex though - I can honestly admit it was the most satisfying sex I think I've ever had. But I'm done with that. I'm not interested in jerks who are too selfish to appreciate how giving I can be (especially when we're not heavy with emotions; I'm a pretty damn good partner when we're not tossing around the L bomb).
What else, what else.. besides positive social moves, I've taken a big step in my academic world (issues I mentioned earlier aside). For a couple of years now, I've had a strong interest in using MDMA as a therapeutic tool, as an adjunct with psychotherapy, with specific aims like post-traumatic stress, long-standing emotional issues, and couples therapy. I wrote up a syllabus for an independent study to get a thorough grounding in the history of MDMA's use in therapy, history of its scheduling, how it works in the brain.. and got it approved as an independent study with a professor I absolutely adore (who is also a favorite of students on UCB's campus). With his contacts, I'm meeting with a UCB grad student who's been doing research with MDMA for years. My professor (Dr. Presti) and the grad student (Matt Baggott) might be needing an RA, or that's what Presti said. I'm meeting with Matt tomorrow to go over some questions I have about MDMA and also to see how viable it is that I work with them. I would just be over the moon if he thinks it's possible that I could work with him next semester. It would give me experience in my field as well as training that I think could help prepare me for grad school in neuro, if I choose to go. I had planned on applying in the Spring, but I'm not certain I'm qualified. If Matt says he can train/use me, I'll learn skills that would help me with my resume and prepare me for grad school - awesome! Maaayyybee even pay me at the same time. Fuckin' sweet.
Lastly, I talked with an acquaintance recently and found we have something very important in common - we are both just now taking an interest in the poly love community. We had a lot of parallel thoughts and feelings. It was pretty cute when he mentioned that wondering if you're poly can be kind of like wondering if you're gay. You think to yourself, "maybe this time my monogamous relationship will work out; I wasn't trying hard enough before." It's like when people say, "Maybe if I put in more effort, I'll be straight. I'll just try really hard and be the best partner I can be, and it'll work!" And then it doesn't work. It's not that I -can't- be sexually monogamous. I've done it before in relatively long relationships. But I'm getting to a point where I feel connected with many people emotionally. I feel like I have the capacity to love many people; as Dustin (my friend) put it, love for one person doesn't restrict you from loving another person the same way. So, we're both going to a group meeting called the PolyGamers tomorrow. I'm interested in reaching out a little bit; we also talked about how it can be kind of scary, saying, "Okay, so now I'm going to try to identify with the polyamorous community." You think to yourself, "What the fuck? How did I get here?" But at the same time, we've tried non-poly love and it's been unsatisfying. I was so excited to meet someone who had been thinking and feeling some of the same things I had been.. my friends have been accepting and very kind, but my closest friends are all in long-term monogamous relationships. They accept me and love me for who I am, but I'm not like any of them in this respect so it's still a little awkward for me. It felt so good to tell him that my dream situation is a family with babies by all the people I love, and have him say, "that is an awesome dream." Not just, "I'm glad that could work for you" or "I'm sure you'd love that!" or something.. but someone saying, "yeah, I can see that, and it would be wonderful." Soo validating.
Finally (yes, there's more!), I had been having some trouble with my folks' divorce recently. I had been missing the house in Louisiana, missing my cat and taking care of her, thinking over the night Mom left (and more specifically, my father's behaviours and reactions), and especially thinking about how unbearably sad it is that for Mom to be happy, Dad has to be sad right now. She tried for a loong time (twenty years!) to talk with him, to explain her needs, desires.. and I think my dad just couldn't understand what she needed. He has very different emotional needs. He tried to give her what she needed, but he couldn't identify and so it was superficial and fleeting. In the meantime, she held out hope that things would work, but felt pretty constantly disappointed and rejected by him. I mean, I can sympathize. But it sucks that now, Dad is feeling even more depressed about himself than before, that he's hurt, angry, and dealing with a terrible situation and it's what has to happen for Mom to be happy. I fully believe she should be happy. She's really a very wonderful person - excellent wife, loving mother. And honestly, she was emotionally stunted by her relationship with my Dad in some ways. Some of her early arguments with her boyfriend sounded like ones I had when I was sixteen. I feel like she's growing up in some of her emotional beliefs, gaining self-esteem and self-understanding now as she couldn't have before.
I couldn't stop thinking about those things. I woke up one morning thinking about when I came back into my house, the night Mom left, after talking with Jay on the phone outside. It was about 3:30 in the morning. Dad must've been sleeping fitfully if at all, and he heard the door close. He came rushing into the kitchen, looking hopeful and expectant. Then he saw it was me, not Mom - and his face just fell. For once, though, I knew better than to make it about me. I know Dad wasn't disappointd to see me because it was me - he was disappointed because it wasn't my mother. Even if he didn't show it in ways Mom needed, he relied on her for so much in his daily life, and loved her in whatever capacity he could. I nearly cried when I thought about it that morning when it just came to me again, but then I controlled my tears and kept going with my day. It popped into my head at least twice again that day, and while I teared up a bit, I didn't cry about it. I was pretty depressed and distracted by it for a couple of weeks. Then, I decided to roll again. First time with Molly in a long time. All my reading for my independent study reminded me of how great it can be, how helpful. I kept thinking about when Rachel and I rolled before we moved away. So, I took a baby dose and talked with Margot for damn near two hours. I talked about that night and what happened; I gave her background including my parents' relationship, my relationship with my Dad, the events of 2007 leading up to the night.. it really helped to tell her how I was feeling, have her empathize, and to integrate it with all the other relevant memories in my life while I did so. This, I realized, is what it will be like when MDMA is approved as therapy. An issue nagging at me daily, hurting me deeply, that I couldn't move past on my own was being integrated, processed, handled with a little bit of Molly and a friend.
Anyway, I've felt a lot better since then. That night I also regained some self-respect and quit talking to Keefe; I resolved to be more active, not passive with my studies. Additionally, I decided that I had taken enough from Jay. It's funny.. I hadn't been smoking -that- much weed before then (god, especially when I think about my hellish past two years), but when I was rolling I thought to myself, "No more pot." And I haven't -completely- stopped since then (eg yesterday when I was hurt, stressed, and tired I ended up smoking) but I think I've stopped doing it just because it's there. On top of that, since I rolled with Margot, she and I talked about our relationship too. Margot, by the way, is a smart girl who is fucking gorgeous. We admitted to mutual crushes (she said the next day that she was giving Keefe dirty looks all night) and it felt nice to say it without being embarassed, ashamed, or having the fear that one of us was expecting some sort of change in our friendship. If anything, it just feels better to be around her now. I'm more comfortable because I can admit I'm attracted to her, she knows it too, and I know it's mutual. I don't know if I've had a friendship like this one before. Not to discredit my friendship with Rachel at all, because that is also something wonderful, but it's a separate thing and it's a little different.
I'm going to roll again soon, this time with Rachel. I think we've been wanting to roll together to reconnect after being away from each other for a year, and having so much happen over those twelve months. God, it felt like FIVE. I've got some more personal exploration to do, but I also can't wait to talk that honestly with her. I think we're pretty damn honest with each other, but it's something exciting and fun to be CERTAIN that you can say whatever you want and the other person will listen and understand.
I have been feeling a little sad because I'd like to roll with Jay and with my brother (separately!), and I'm pretty certain neither will happen. I mentioned it to Jay and he said no without researching what it would be like or what it could do. I'm not even going to mention it to my brother. The idea of any drug is pretty repulsive to him, as I understand it, and I am not interested in pressuring someone into doing something they believe is wrong. With Jay, I think we could actually take some steps forward - he could get over some of his issues (or at least, take big strides in them) and we could reconnect in a healthy way. With my brother, I just want to reconnect I guess. I was thinking recently (been doing a lot of that, haven't I?) about how he and I used to be really close. Honestly, growing up, I felt really alone in a lot of ways except I always had Biren. Especially when I was in junior high and starting high school, we were very close. After we had grown distant, I think some ground was covered when we had a joint meeting with my therapist in Baton Rouge. But I think Biren has been through a lot of difficult emotions of his own this last year and I imagine the idea of doing something formal, in a therapist's office for oodles of money, doesn't appeal to him; it doesn't appeal to me either and I think it would tire him out a bit. Doesn't stop me from thinking about rolling with him though. I keep envisioning rolling with him at his house, with or without Tara. I guess before I had thought it would be good to do it with just him, but I literally just now thought that it could be nice with her too. I guess while I'm dreaming, I might as well dream big, right? :) Anyway, I just think it would be so nice to talk with him about the last five or so years of our lives, comfortably, honestly, openly... while sitting at his apartment, where he feels at home and safe, and where I'm comfortable too. But I know it's pretty unrealistic and as I said, I'm not interested in asking him to do something that he thinks is wrong or unappealing.
Well, okay, I think that's actually all I want to write for now. I've been working on this entry for nearly two hours. I guess after feeling stressed out yesterday, I thought it would be good to get down some recent changes I felt were significant.