some helpful tips for next week
sure, there's lots of "exam studying tips" out there. but how many people need tips for how to pass an exam they didnt study for? here is what ive learned in my 6 years of college.
1) sleep with the teacher. not right there, i mean like later. just show up during office hours, take off all your clothes, and start humping him/her. tip: have someone ready outside with a polariod camera, in case the prof isnt into your juice; that way they can kick in the door and take a compromising picture, which could not only result in a higher test grade, but also used to blackmail them for, say, a car or something.
2) show up drunk; half way through the exam, throw up on your desk. explain that you have a case of the stomach flu, and can you please take the test at a later date? when the teacher gets upset, just tell him you dont have money for a doctors visit, and then call him a capatilist pigdog.
3) stare at the paper/test the entire test period. make sure you're the very last person sitting there when they call "time", and just burst into hysterics. sob for a while, then mumble and wail something about your family, or some shit like that.
4) half way through, get up, go to the bathroom, and pull the fire alarm. use the ensuing panic to switch tests with someone that actually knows what the fuck they are doing. better yet, start a real fire.
5) using a crack team of misfits and panicked students, create a ridiculous scenario where you and your team bust into an office (Mission Impossible style), retrieve the code, and study all the answers to get a perfect score.
wait-- thats actually the gayest shit ive ever heard. never mind.
6) essay: bullshit like crazy. make stuff up. quote people that dont exist. chances are, the prof is going to be so damn busy at the end of the year that if you even remotely sound like you make sense you should get some points.
7) test: show up to class 15 minutes early, open your book for the first time all year, and read the intro paragraph to every chapter in the book. then, scan the "review" section in the back. your short-term memory should keep all that info in place just long enough to barf it back onto scantron.
8) dont show up. go to the office hours later that week, and explain that you got your exam schedule mixed up; then, repeat steps 1, 2, 3, or 4 (or E, all of the above).
in other news, i got my hat back- strange how i feel uncomfortable without some kind of headwear, such as a cap, bandanna, or little kid. also, we have mice in our apartment, and upon discussing it (house meeting, y'all!) we decided that the best alternative would be to "ignore the problem" and "hope it goes away by itself". why? because if we use mouse traps, then we're gonna have dead mice that no one wants to take care of instead of live ones.
i think we chose the least smelly of the two options.
1) sleep with the teacher. not right there, i mean like later. just show up during office hours, take off all your clothes, and start humping him/her. tip: have someone ready outside with a polariod camera, in case the prof isnt into your juice; that way they can kick in the door and take a compromising picture, which could not only result in a higher test grade, but also used to blackmail them for, say, a car or something.
2) show up drunk; half way through the exam, throw up on your desk. explain that you have a case of the stomach flu, and can you please take the test at a later date? when the teacher gets upset, just tell him you dont have money for a doctors visit, and then call him a capatilist pigdog.
3) stare at the paper/test the entire test period. make sure you're the very last person sitting there when they call "time", and just burst into hysterics. sob for a while, then mumble and wail something about your family, or some shit like that.
4) half way through, get up, go to the bathroom, and pull the fire alarm. use the ensuing panic to switch tests with someone that actually knows what the fuck they are doing. better yet, start a real fire.
5) using a crack team of misfits and panicked students, create a ridiculous scenario where you and your team bust into an office (Mission Impossible style), retrieve the code, and study all the answers to get a perfect score.
wait-- thats actually the gayest shit ive ever heard. never mind.
6) essay: bullshit like crazy. make stuff up. quote people that dont exist. chances are, the prof is going to be so damn busy at the end of the year that if you even remotely sound like you make sense you should get some points.
7) test: show up to class 15 minutes early, open your book for the first time all year, and read the intro paragraph to every chapter in the book. then, scan the "review" section in the back. your short-term memory should keep all that info in place just long enough to barf it back onto scantron.
8) dont show up. go to the office hours later that week, and explain that you got your exam schedule mixed up; then, repeat steps 1, 2, 3, or 4 (or E, all of the above).
in other news, i got my hat back- strange how i feel uncomfortable without some kind of headwear, such as a cap, bandanna, or little kid. also, we have mice in our apartment, and upon discussing it (house meeting, y'all!) we decided that the best alternative would be to "ignore the problem" and "hope it goes away by itself". why? because if we use mouse traps, then we're gonna have dead mice that no one wants to take care of instead of live ones.
i think we chose the least smelly of the two options.