(no subject)
sorry about the length but if you can read all its awesome, i love youjulie, thanks for commin over this weekend i kno wi didnt make it very pleasent but being with you is all i need to be in heaven...
1. When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
2. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
3. Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the bleem down.
4. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
5. There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. bleem you, team.
6. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
7. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
8. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
9. Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
10. Vin Diesel was scheduled to be Stalone's stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wearing a parachute when jumping from the plane.
11. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
12. Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
13. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
14. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
15. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
17. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
18. Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while bleeming another.
19. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
20. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
21. Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
22. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
23. You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
24. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
25. Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
26. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
27. Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
28. Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
29. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
30. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
1. Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
2. Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don't!
3. Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
4. In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survived ad soldiers of fortune, until Mr. T found them and beat them to death with his bare hands.
5. Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
6. 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
7. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
8. Revolving doors were invented to keep Mr. T from kicking them in all the time.
9. Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
10. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand of Mr.T is a deadly weapon in 17 states.
11. Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.
12. Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
13. Who let the dogs out? Mr. T did, that's who. What the hell are you going to do about it?
14. Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.
15. Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
16. There are now over 43 fools born every minute in order to keep up with the rate at which Mr. T pities them.
17. Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
18. The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
19. Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
20. Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
21. Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.
22. Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle.
23. Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.
24. Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
25. When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.
26. Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shit himself.
27. If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.
28. Mr. T doesn't obey the second law of thermodynamics. It obeys him.
29. Rome wasn't built in a day. But if Mr. T had assisted, it sure as hell would've been.
30. During the filming of Rocky III, Burgess Meredith asked Mr. T why he wore so much gold. To make a long story short, the script had to be changed to include Mickey's "accidental" death.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
3. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
4. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
6. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
7 Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
8 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
9 Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't bleem with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
10 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
11 Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
12 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
13 To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
14 Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
15 Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
16 A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
17 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
18 Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
19 Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
20 Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
21 Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
22 Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from Verdana"> rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
23 Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
24 Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
25 Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
26 Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
27 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
28 Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
29 Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
30 One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
http://www.absath.com/?p=183 this is a link to more they are frackin hillarious...
Mr. T once met his twin from a parallel universe. The only difference was that Evil T had no pity.
The only thing Mr. T fears is himself. And even that don't keep T up at night, fool.
Chuck Norris will one day end world hunger, as soon as he figures out where famine's solar plexus is.
You can't fight city hall, but Chuck Norris can. No municipal government structure is a match for Chuck Norris.
Muhammad Ali floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Chuck Norris kicks bees and butterflies right out of the air, right before he crushes Muhammad Ali's windpipe.
Vin Diesel solved Fermat's Last Theorem by pistol-whipping a mathematician.
The only time Chuck Norris doesn't kick ass is when he has new shoes, and he doesn't want ass-prints to dull the shine.
Vin Diesel makes love with his eyes closed so he can imagine he's sleeping with someone much more beautiful, like himself.
Vin Diesel isn't his real name. His agent made him change it from Stud Manmuscle because that didn't sound tough enough.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Chuck Norris is from Painlandia
If Vin Diesel ran the media, there'd be only two TV channels. Channel One would show "The Fast and the Furious" 24 hours a day, and Channel Two would show Vin Diesel ordering you to turn back to Channel One.
Pain is your body's way of warning your brain that Mr. T is crushing your larynx.
Vin Diesel was originally cast in "Brokeback Mountain", until he learned that the script's definition of "pounding someone's ass" was radically different from his.
If Mr. T flushes the toilet in the northern hemisphere, the water swirls counter-clockwise. If Mr. T flushes the toilet in the southern hemisphere, the sucka he's flushing has an Australian accent.
Chuck Norris was slated to star in "The Passion of the Christ." His version was called "Jesus Christ: No More Mister Nice Guy"
Mr. T believes that violence never solves anything, only fists do. Violas and cellos are useless, too.
Chuck Norris is a good source of dietary whup-ass
When Vin Diesel goes to Starbucks and orders a "Large" coffee, nobody corrects him.
Mr. T has a PhD in Fool Pitying, but he doesn't use the title because he thinks Dr. T sounds too pretentious.
1. When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
2. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
3. Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the bleem down.
4. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
5. There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. bleem you, team.
6. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
7. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
8. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
9. Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
10. Vin Diesel was scheduled to be Stalone's stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wearing a parachute when jumping from the plane.
11. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
12. Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
13. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
14. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
15. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
17. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
18. Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while bleeming another.
19. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
20. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
21. Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
22. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
23. You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
24. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
25. Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
26. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
27. Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
28. Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
29. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
30. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
1. Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
2. Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don't!
3. Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
4. In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survived ad soldiers of fortune, until Mr. T found them and beat them to death with his bare hands.
5. Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
6. 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
7. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
8. Revolving doors were invented to keep Mr. T from kicking them in all the time.
9. Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
10. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand of Mr.T is a deadly weapon in 17 states.
11. Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.
12. Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
13. Who let the dogs out? Mr. T did, that's who. What the hell are you going to do about it?
14. Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.
15. Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
16. There are now over 43 fools born every minute in order to keep up with the rate at which Mr. T pities them.
17. Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
18. The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
19. Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
20. Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
21. Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.
22. Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle.
23. Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.
24. Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
25. When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.
26. Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shit himself.
27. If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.
28. Mr. T doesn't obey the second law of thermodynamics. It obeys him.
29. Rome wasn't built in a day. But if Mr. T had assisted, it sure as hell would've been.
30. During the filming of Rocky III, Burgess Meredith asked Mr. T why he wore so much gold. To make a long story short, the script had to be changed to include Mickey's "accidental" death.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
3. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
4. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
6. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
7 Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
8 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
9 Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't bleem with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
10 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
11 Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
12 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
13 To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
14 Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
15 Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
16 A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
17 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
18 Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
19 Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
20 Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
21 Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
22 Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from Verdana"> rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
23 Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
24 Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
25 Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
26 Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
27 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
28 Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
29 Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
30 One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
http://www.absath.com/?p=183 this is a link to more they are frackin hillarious...
Mr. T once met his twin from a parallel universe. The only difference was that Evil T had no pity.
The only thing Mr. T fears is himself. And even that don't keep T up at night, fool.
Chuck Norris will one day end world hunger, as soon as he figures out where famine's solar plexus is.
You can't fight city hall, but Chuck Norris can. No municipal government structure is a match for Chuck Norris.
Muhammad Ali floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Chuck Norris kicks bees and butterflies right out of the air, right before he crushes Muhammad Ali's windpipe.
Vin Diesel solved Fermat's Last Theorem by pistol-whipping a mathematician.
The only time Chuck Norris doesn't kick ass is when he has new shoes, and he doesn't want ass-prints to dull the shine.
Vin Diesel makes love with his eyes closed so he can imagine he's sleeping with someone much more beautiful, like himself.
Vin Diesel isn't his real name. His agent made him change it from Stud Manmuscle because that didn't sound tough enough.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Chuck Norris is from Painlandia
If Vin Diesel ran the media, there'd be only two TV channels. Channel One would show "The Fast and the Furious" 24 hours a day, and Channel Two would show Vin Diesel ordering you to turn back to Channel One.
Pain is your body's way of warning your brain that Mr. T is crushing your larynx.
Vin Diesel was originally cast in "Brokeback Mountain", until he learned that the script's definition of "pounding someone's ass" was radically different from his.
If Mr. T flushes the toilet in the northern hemisphere, the water swirls counter-clockwise. If Mr. T flushes the toilet in the southern hemisphere, the sucka he's flushing has an Australian accent.
Chuck Norris was slated to star in "The Passion of the Christ." His version was called "Jesus Christ: No More Mister Nice Guy"
Mr. T believes that violence never solves anything, only fists do. Violas and cellos are useless, too.
Chuck Norris is a good source of dietary whup-ass
When Vin Diesel goes to Starbucks and orders a "Large" coffee, nobody corrects him.
Mr. T has a PhD in Fool Pitying, but he doesn't use the title because he thinks Dr. T sounds too pretentious.