I am okay.
Last night I got involved in something that I cannot explain. A feeling that makes me cry yet laugh. Something inside me that makes me worry, but also brings a feeling that everything is going to be ok. I layed in his bed, jeans hugging my hips and his arm around me. He had been asleep for two and a half hours, but he was fully aware that I was there. Before I could think, my flesh was covered in his scent and the jeans that were once resting on my hips now lay at the foot of the bed, resting against the cold metal bars. At this moment, my heart would be pounding, a thunderous noise in my ears and pulsating through my body. Despite what I thought would happen, it stilled it's rhythmic beat and continued on, as though what was happening was not a foreign act. Bodies entertwined and minds linked, layers of cotton surrounded us and held us tightly together as though we were never going to part. I thought for a moment that I was having sex, but then it came to me: this is not sex, this is something intimate, something that I have not had before. No words were spoken yet so much was said in those three hours. I lay naked, resting on his shoulder, knowing that there was no other place for me. In that moment, I was free. He stepped out of the shower and I caught my breath. I had just had the most emotional and intimate moment in my life with someone that I had said barely a word to. There was no need for words, the language spoken was something deeper. In that moment, I was alive. During our intimacy, I relieved myself of every worry, every thought that I had thought to ponder.
When I was young, I constantly asked god to pour me a glass of milk without milk. I felt that if he did, then all my questions would be answered. A glass of milk represents the things I know to be true, but cannot explain. I know that I feel for him in a way that I do not understand. That I feel for what could happen in a way that I cannot comprehend.
In that moment, I was a firefly drowning in a glass of milk.
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Despite what that sounds like, I do not know what I feel for him. I do not even know what he feels for me. All I know that I felt more alive than I ever have. Though we never finished due to an unexpected phone call destroying the mood, I felt completely at ease with myself. He doesn't talk a lot, which means that I am going to acquire a mode of transportation so that I can see him. Hopefully this will not be the only moment in my life with him.
No, there was no intercourse, but there doesn't have to be to be considered sex. At least not to me.
And no, I'm not a crazy obsessive lunatic. I had an intense moment with an intense person.