(no subject)
Title: Let the World Break
Author's Name: geofount
Written For: 3goodtimes
Requested Pairing: Gin/Kira
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4,515
Summary: Loyal to a fault.
Rather unedited so beware.
There is blood on his hands today. Perhaps it isn’t on his hands personally but it might as well have been.
The ryoka is nearly dead. Captain Byakuya is a bloody mess. And Hinamori…Hinamori…
Kira had never considered loyalty a fault. People were in positions of power in order to guide those under them because the masses cannot make decisions on their own. People in positions of power were there to keep order so if one did not listen to them were they not disturbing the order of things? Were they not creating havoc? People in power had gotten there because they had proven themselves good and loyal to order. They had proven themselves the best candidates to make decisions for the masses. They were there simply because they were good.
After the Menos and the battle on the hill, Kira can’t help but think maybe all his ideals weren’t so ideal at all.
-
Kira had been a good child. He had always been the model son: strong, intelligent, obedient, clean. He obeyed his parents’ commands without complaint and never disobeyed. He was the type of child any mother would want.
He had been adopted by his ‘parents’ when he had first arrived in Soul Society. His ‘mother’, he had heard, liked his hair color. She had been a dull looking thing with brown hair, brown eyes, and unremarkable features. She was the usual mean in the sea of humanity.
His ‘father’ was big, dark, and just as unremarkable. He wielded a strong hand and inside the house his word was law.
Kira obeyed every order he was given and thought of his father like a God.
-
“I want to be a Shinigami,” Kira declared one day as he played with his toys in the yard.
His father looked up at him from the porch step he was sitting on. “No, you can’t.”
“Why not?”
“You’re too weak to become a Shinigami.”
“No, I’m not!” Kira stood, hands on hips. “I’m plenty strong enough! I always beat the other boys when we wrestle!”
His father removed the pipe from his mouth, that usual somber look on his somber face. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I’m not weak,” said Kira.
His father’s lips compressed in that way that meant he was unhappy or didn’t believe what the other person was saying. “You should be more careful of the world, Izuru,” he said.
Kira didn’t care what he said. He would show him. He would prove to him that he wasn’t weak.
-
He always worked hard. He studied tirelessly and exercised regularly to keep himself fit and strong. He did amazing at every subject given to him and around the neighborhood he had become a well known athlete.
Other families marveled at the wonderful young man he was and told his mother so.
Kira took the praise with a nervous smile and an equally nervous laugh, swelling with the pride of his achievements.
His father looked on with that same dreary expression, no words of praise or even recognition falling from his lips. Kira hated him and loved him for it.
-
When he is older and stronger, he declared once again, “I want to become a Shinigami.”
“No.”
“Why not?! I’m strong! I’m brilliant!”
“You are brilliant,” his father affirmed. “But you are not wise.”
“I want to become a Shinigami,” Kira said again, ignoring the jabs. “I want to help the world.”
His father, unfailing, forbade him.
Kira hated him and loved him because he was the driving force behind everything he did. Kira’s constant need to show he was better than what his father thought of him made him the perfect model of a son he had become. It made him the person he was.
And never once had he thought of disobeying him. Daddy knew best after all and Kira was nothing if not loyal.
-
Throughout the years, despite his achievements, he was never good enough for a single word of praise or good enough for the Shinigami academy. Despite his high intellect, his impressive strength, his quick mind, his fierce loyalty, he was never good enough.
As father lay on his death bed, Kira voiced the question. “Do you still think I am weak?”
His father’s breath rasped like dry paper between his lips. “Yes.”
Kira’s hand clutched the sheet. “Why?”
“It’s not your mind or your body that’s weak,” his father rasped. “It’s your spirit that is weak.”
Kira didn’t understand what that meant exactly and he didn’t have the willpower to ask, not even when his father called his name in his final moments.
-
When he slammed the small stake in the ground, there was a strange sense of relief. The chains of his father fell away and he breathed a sigh of freedom.
There was sadness of course. He had been his father. But on top of that, and so much more importantly, he had been his God, a being he had tried so hard to please but had received no recognition in return. He had tried so hard and done so well, but had always been regarded as weak no matter what he did.
With no more rules to follow, with no one left to obey, Kira finally sets out to do what he had wanted, on his own terms.
-
If anyone had asked why he had joined the Gotei 13, Kira would have said, “My father.”
Most have thought it was very sweet and honorable, and that Kira was making his father proud by becoming a Shinigami.
But Kira hadn’t done it for that. He had joined to prove his father wrong.
-
He passes the test with flying colors, learns the demon arts almost effortlessly, and his ability with the sword astounds even the instructors.
He makes friends easily, gets along with his teachers and his peers, and is soon known as ‘that guy’. The guy who does everything right. The guy who is almost as well known as Shuuhei but not quite as good looking.
Kira laughs away the insult good naturedly, which only makes people like him more.
Kira follows every command and order without question and always with a smile. He is the golden child to the teachers. They praise him relentlessly.
Kira smiles at them and knows that in this world, in this element, surely his father had been wrong.
-
It is on their first mission that disaster strikes. They should have died but they are rescued and after the hollows had been disposed of, everyone becomes quite obsessed with their savior, the gentle Aizen. Hinamori has a huge case of hero worship and Renji is impressed by his strength. But for Kira it is the other man, the lieutenant, who piques his interest.
His name is Ichimaru Gin and it amazes Kira how even just a name can sound sinister. He is nothing like Aizen, who is kind and understanding and benevolent to all. Gin is different, darker, more mysterious, almost frightening in how much an enigma he is.
He sees without seeing and when his gaze falls on him, Kira feels a strange tingling, as if Gin is not looking at him but in him.
Gin makes a noncommittal sound in his throat and turns away.
Even with Gin’s gaze is elsewhere, Kira still feels that tingling along his flesh, down to his very bones.
-
It is weeks later before he sees him again. He is sitting on the stoop, heavy with sweat, taking a breather after the strenuous activity. It is Gin who approaches him out of all the other students and Kira doesn’t even sense his presence until he speaks.
“Kira. Your name is Kira?”
The question catches him off guard and he stares, blinking stupidly, before recovering himself and realizing he is being spoken to. “Yes.”
Gin rarely speaks and even more rarely does he speak to the younger students. Usually he speaks without speaking. Movements, noises, gestures. Gin is a man of few words but also a man of deep meaning.
“What an interesting choice of a name.”
“I think it suits me,” and before Kira can think better of himself he dives in. “Don’t you think so, sir?”
Gin smiles at that. “Well, that’s for you to prove isn’t it?”
Kira isn’t entirely sure if it’s a challenge or not but it certainly sounds like one. “I will do my best, sir.”
At his response, Gin’s smile only widens more.
-
They are recruited into Aizen’s division. Aizen had been so impressed with their bravery during the hollow attack that he had desired all three of them - Hinamori, Renji and Kira - under his jurisdiction.
Hinamori nearly cries with happiness. She has fallen head over heels for the captain and she talks about him incessantly. Even Renji, who is so hard to impress, approves of the man. Together they swear to Aizen that they will prove themselves worthy.
Kira makes no such declaration. The captain is too much like his mother. He believes everybody in the world is special. In other words, nobody really is.
At the inauguration, Kira searches the crowd. He spies Gin in the shadows leaning against the wall and he stares at him until the man, aware of being watched, straightens. Gin smiles and waves at him, and Kira feels the weight of judgment on his shoulders.
He makes his own vow.
I will prove to you that I am worthy.
-
He isn’t sure what he has to prove exactly. That he was worthy of the name Kira? That he was special? That he was stronger than his father thought he was? That he was worthy of Gin’s attention?
Kira has Aizen’s approval after all. It shouldn’t matter of course what Gin thinks but it does for some odd reason. Maybe it was the way he seemed so indifferent yet involved in everything. Maybe it was the way he just observed. Maybe it was because he was so entirely different, so entirely unique, that Kira felt he needed to prove he was unique too.
As Hinamori becomes obsessed with Aizen, Kira too becomes enthralled with Gin. He trains hard, works hard, studies hard. Even Renji starts to worry about him.
“You should take it easy.”
But then there is Gin across his field of vision, strolling across the yard, and Kira picks up his training with conviction, pushing himself further and further. Just one glance. Just one glance of appreciation and he can stop. Just to be noticed.
Gin doesn’t stop in his trek. Kira sinks exhausted to the ground.
-
There is little sleep in the Gotei 13 and even less for Kira. As the others sleep, he stays up reading and studying. Always he pushes himself to the limit and beyond. Always the overachiever.
A shadow falls across the floor. Kira, eyes black rimmed, looks up. His breath hitches.
“Ichimaru.”
Gin stands in the doorway. His hakama is slightly open, revealing the flesh underneath. He looks disheveled, as if he had just woken up.
Kira swallows. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”
Gin ignores the question. “Do you always study this late?”
“Usually, sir.”
“Oh? Whatever for?”
“Well, to be good, of course.”
“To be good?” The lieutenant’s voice carries an amused tone. “And who exactly are you trying to be good for?”
A chill sweeps up Kira’s spine. “For myself,” he says and even he can taste the lie in that. He bites his tongue at the sour taste in his mouth.
Gin makes an amused sound in his throat. He backs out of the doorway. “Get some sleep, Kira,” he smiles, half his face cloaked in darkness. “You don’t want to be so tired that you make a mistake at practice tomorrow. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt or anything.”
And even though Kira went to bed after that, it was still a long time before he found sleep.
-
The day it happened, Kira had thought that all his sacrifices, all his hard work, all the sweat and blood and sleepless nights, his efforts had been awarded at last.
“You want me, sir?”
Across the desk, the recently promoted Captain Gin looks back at him. There is a slight smirk on his face. “Does it surprise you so?”
“Well, I…I-”
“Because if you don’t want the positions, I’m sure I can find someone else.” Across his face, the smirk widens.
“No, sir!” Kira exclaims. “I mean yes, I do want it! I would be honored.”
“Splendid.” Gin leans back, his hands softly folding across themselves. “I’m sure you’ll do an excellent job.”
Barely managing to keep himself from grinning, the new Lieutenant Kira bows to his Captain. “I will try my best, sir.”
And for a moment, Kira wished his father had still been alive just so that he could see how far Kira had come despite what he said.
-
Quickly in his career Kira comes to learn that Gin is a good captain when he wants to be, which is rarely. Most of the time he saunters off to God knows where without explanation, leaving Kira behind to take care of everything in his stead. Sometimes, when he is around, he will sit at his desk staring at the ceiling and do nothing or he will lean back against the wall, and Kira swears he is sleeping but it’s so hard to tell with Gin.
If Kira didn’t know any better, he would have sworn Gin was downright lazy and careless. But Gin couldn’t be like that. Gin was a captain. He probably didn’t bother with the mundane affairs because he judged them below his status and trusted Kira to handle them.
The gesture made Kira feel honored, despite the frustration, exhaustion, and headaches he had to deal with on a regular basis from covering two work loads.
“I finished those reports you were supposed to make for you, sir.”
“Hmmm,” says Gin at the large pile Kira had set on his desk. “Nice work. Good job.”
At the small words of praise, Kira preens and immediately sets to work on more of Gin’s responsibilities. Gin makes him feel like the entire world believes in him.
-
Sometimes Kira wonders if Gin really cares at all. Had Gin really wanted him as his lieutenant? Or had he just randomly chosen someone? Maybe Gin had chosen him because his name sounded remotely familiar.
They rarely talk. Most of their communication is done without words being spoken, the rare times Gin is around that is. Gin is so cold, so distant, so reticent. Like Kira’s father had been.
But then there is the time when it is late at night and Kira has fallen asleep across his desk, the documents with Gin’s signature sprawled around him, and the long fingers will curve across his cheek, under his chin, and he opens his eyes to moonlight on pale hair and a face swathed in darkness.
“You should get some sleep,” says Gin softly.
And it makes Kira think that he cares, really does care and it wasn’t in his imagination after all.
I would die for you, Kira wants to say but he can never force the words out.
Despite that, he has a feeling Gin knows anyway.
-
He had played into their plans perfectly. They had used him and he, the gullible idiot, had fallen for it all. They had pulled the strings and he had moved to every command given, the perfect puppet for their devious plots. They had played with him as one would a toy.
He could be used, thrown away, and forgotten about.
Weak.
That is what they viewed him as.
And that hurt the most.
Against the stones Matsumoto had knocked him against, Kira retches. “I’m not weak.” His hand grips his sword until his knuckles turn white. “I’m not weak!”
-
There were interrogations of course. Countless hours of question and answer sessions, and Kira could provide them with barely any answers at all. They asked him again and again why he had gone along with it. Honestly Kira hadn’t known at the time what exactly he was going along with or what he had been dragged into. Gin never provided details about anything. The only answer Kira could provide was, “Because he was my captain.”
It made all the sense in the world to him even though it made none to others.
Eventually they had released him and afterwards…afterwards…
“I’m not weak.” Kira is lying in a pool of saki and his own vomit. “I’m not and I’m going to prove it.”
Matsumoto looks mildly down at him. “How are you going to do that?”
“I’m going to kill him.”
“Good luck then.” Matsumoto brings the jar of saki to her lips, eyes faraway and distant. “Because I am going to get him first.”
-
He had failed to mention during the interrogations that time. The time that had existed between the discovery of Central 46 and Gin releasing him from his cell. The time when he had shivered, and thought himself despicable and hated himself because he had done what he always did and that had resulted in him having to attack his own friend. Kira was, if nothing else, loyal to his superiors.
Gin is there with him, always there, and he looks at him without looking. It only makes Kira shiver all the more.
“Are you ready?” Gin asks.
Kira shakes his head, though he has no clue what Gin is referring to. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes.
Then Gin is suddenly against him, his weight leaning into his own, pressing them both into the wall, and Kira can barely breathe much less move.
“Don’t break,” Gin whispers into his ear. His breath tickles the side of Kira’s neck and he swallows without realizing it. “Not yet.”
Gin pulls slowly back and across his cheek, Kira can feel his lips. It makes him shiver for an entirely different reason.
-
Tell me what you see, Kira had always wanted to say. Tell me that I am what I think I am.
But like so many other things, he had been unable to force the words out.
I believed in you. Why me? Why did you do that? Is that really all you thought of me? Why did you choose me?
Now he doesn’t need to ask those things. Now he is going to prove Gin wrong.
Kira sharpens his sword and waits.
I am not weak.
-
He finds him walking the empty streets of the empty city, looking overly bored and disappointed, and it amazes Kira that he was able to find him first. He had always been an overachiever. Matsumoto probably hadn’t thrown herself into the search like he had.
The others are in the background, fighting with the Arrancar and their minions, too distracted to pay attention to an enemy miles away. Kira has Gin all to himself.
Gin destroys a few buildings to distract himself and Kira chooses this moment to make his presence known.
“Gin.”
At the sound of his name, he turns, a put-out expression on his face, not looking surprised at all by Kira’s appearance. He had probably sensed him minutes ago.
“Using my last name now?” Gin smiles at him and Kira vaguely wonders how even just a smile can look sinister. “Izuru-chan.”
Kira’s hands tighten into fists at the condescending words. “You lost the title of captain when you betrayed us. You don’t deserve it anymore.”
“Don’t be so rude,” Gin chides, looking a little crestfallen. “It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. Let’s try to be civil, ne?”
“I’m not going to let you talk your way out of this,” Kira unsheathes his sword. “I’m going to kill you and I’m going to prove to everyone that I’m not weak.”
“Oh? Is that what all this is about?” Gin laughs, actually laughs at him. “I didn’t realize your reason was so selfish. I thought this was for the justice of the world or something like that. Silly me.”
“It’s for both,” Kira lies.
He rushes at him. Gin barely moves, not until the last moment, then he slides to the side and the blade swings by.
“Not even going to release your sword?” Gin dodges the next few swings.
“I don’t need to.”
The tip of Kira’s sword catches the fabric of Gin’s sleeve. It rips loudly and Gin’s frowns disappointedly at it.
“My, my, you are taking this seriously.”
“As should you!”
Kira’s sword comes swinging down and a satisfying cling greets Kira’s ears.
“I’ll humor you,” says Gin in his playful way, as if this is all a fun game. His own sword grinds against Kira’s blade. “I owe you that I suppose. After all, without you, my sweet lieutenant, I would never have gotten as far as I have.”
Gin smiles into Kira’s face and Kira swings his sword with a roar. They move across the sand, Kira attacking and Gin deflecting his blows. Gin makes no move to counter but Kira doesn’t care. He just needs to beat him, just once.
He refuses to release his sword, even after his breath becomes choppy and the sweat pours down his face. Even now he is still so reluctant to go all out against the man who had once been his commander. Even after all the hurt and betrayal, Kira still cannot shake the feeling that releasing his sword against Gin would feel like he was the one betraying him.
He will defeat Gin without any special tricks, just pure steel against steel. He will win and he will prove to them all - his father, Aizen, Gin, all of them - that he is not weak like they all think he is. He will show them he cannot be thrown away so easily.
“Looks like you’re getting a little tired there, Izuru-chan. Maybe you should rest.”
“Not until I’ve defeated you.”
“How typical of you, Izuru-chan. Always out there with something to prove. Always the overachiever.”
“Fuck you.”
The smile widens on Gin’s face. “Is that an offer?”
Kira screams and the sudden outburst catches Gin offguard. Kira slams into him, their swords clashing, and forces him against the wall. He holds him there.
“Stop it.” He breathes harshly. “Stop toying with me.”
Gin makes no move to break free. He is still smiling and Kira hates him for it. Even now when he has him pressed against the wall, a sword inches from his throat, he refuses to treat him seriously.
“I hate you.”
“So cruel, Izuru-chan.”
Gin moves faster than Kira expected and before he can react their positions are switched and his own back is slammed into the wall. Gin is leaning into him, like the day he told him not to break, and now the sword is at his throat.
And Gin continues to smile, looking so smug, looking as if he knows everything about Kira (what makes him tick, what pleases him, what makes him fight so long and so hard for what seems like absolutely nothing).
Their faces are so close and Kira wants nothing more to wipe that smug look off his face. He wants Gin to look at him with an expression of surprise and defeat, like he would look if Kira managed to drive his sword into his chest. He simply wants to completely and utterly unsettle him.
“What a strange expression, Izuru-ch-”
Gin didn’t get a chance to finish that sentence as Kira suddenly drops his sword, freeing his hands, and grabs the back of Gin’s head. Then, he crushes his lips to Gin’s own.
Why he did it exactly he’s not sure. Maybe he had grown desperate. Maybe he just needed to see that look of shock on Gin’s face so desperately he’d do anything for it. He just needed to conquer him even if it such a small victory as this.
Kira waits for the massive explosion of revulsion. Waits for Gin to stumble back away from him and waits to see the fire of anger that will exist in his eyes. But Kira does not receive the aggressive reaction he is hoping for.
Instead he feels a sudden shift and Gin’s tongue is moving against his own, warm breath fanning against his cheek.
Kira has always known deep down inside himself that getting tangled in Gin would mean the death of him. That may have been partly why Gin had always intrigued him and why Kira had wanted his attention so. Gin would end up destroying him, in more ways than one, and the most frightening part of all was that Kira just might let him.
Gin’s teeth graze his lips softly. Kira expects him to bite, but rather Gin is gentle and smooth, almost considerate in his actions. It is a sharp contrast to his usual personality. It reminds Kira of the nights Gin had told him to rest.
His head begins to swim, the mixture of lust and lack of oxygen making him light headed, and Kira feels himself unraveling.
He pushes against Gin, forcing the other man desperately away. His back thumps into the wall. His legs give out beneath him and he slides down to rest at Gin’s feet.
Gin stands above him. He smirks and wipes his arm across his lips. “How interesting.”
Kira closes his eyes. He shudders. A wave of nausea overtakes him and he buries his head in his knees.
Gin shifts beside him but Kira makes no movement. He doesn’t even want to see him anymore. His arms tighten around his knees.
Weak. He was always so weak.
“I’m going now, Izuru-chan,” says Gin pleasantly, completely unruffled despite what had just transpired between them. “Perhaps we’ll meet again sometime, hn?”
The toes in Kira’s view disappear from sight and he can hear Gin turn to leave. Kira raises his head.
“Wait!”
Gin stops. He half turns, face blank, one eyebrow raised.
And just like with his father, it is only in the final moments that Kira has the strength to voice the question he has always wanted answered. “Why?” His hand clutches the fabric over his knee. “Why did you choose me? Why me? Out of all the other candidates, why me?”
Is it because I’m weak?
“I didn’t choose you,” says Gin. He shrugs one shoulder. “Aizen told me who to choose. I just followed his order.”
Loyal. Gin is so loyal. Loyal to a fault.
Kira stares at him and Gin smiles one more time before turning and walking away. Kira didn’t call him back.
-
It is hours later when he finds him again. Matsumoto is breathing but Gin is not and Kira drops his sword at the sight.
Matsumoto looks up at the sound.
“I’m not crying,” says Kira. “I’m not that weak.”
“Of course not,” Matsumoto agrees and gently wipes away the tears on his face with her sleeve.
Author's Name: geofount
Written For: 3goodtimes
Requested Pairing: Gin/Kira
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4,515
Summary: Loyal to a fault.
Rather unedited so beware.
There is blood on his hands today. Perhaps it isn’t on his hands personally but it might as well have been.
The ryoka is nearly dead. Captain Byakuya is a bloody mess. And Hinamori…Hinamori…
Kira had never considered loyalty a fault. People were in positions of power in order to guide those under them because the masses cannot make decisions on their own. People in positions of power were there to keep order so if one did not listen to them were they not disturbing the order of things? Were they not creating havoc? People in power had gotten there because they had proven themselves good and loyal to order. They had proven themselves the best candidates to make decisions for the masses. They were there simply because they were good.
After the Menos and the battle on the hill, Kira can’t help but think maybe all his ideals weren’t so ideal at all.
-
Kira had been a good child. He had always been the model son: strong, intelligent, obedient, clean. He obeyed his parents’ commands without complaint and never disobeyed. He was the type of child any mother would want.
He had been adopted by his ‘parents’ when he had first arrived in Soul Society. His ‘mother’, he had heard, liked his hair color. She had been a dull looking thing with brown hair, brown eyes, and unremarkable features. She was the usual mean in the sea of humanity.
His ‘father’ was big, dark, and just as unremarkable. He wielded a strong hand and inside the house his word was law.
Kira obeyed every order he was given and thought of his father like a God.
-
“I want to be a Shinigami,” Kira declared one day as he played with his toys in the yard.
His father looked up at him from the porch step he was sitting on. “No, you can’t.”
“Why not?”
“You’re too weak to become a Shinigami.”
“No, I’m not!” Kira stood, hands on hips. “I’m plenty strong enough! I always beat the other boys when we wrestle!”
His father removed the pipe from his mouth, that usual somber look on his somber face. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I’m not weak,” said Kira.
His father’s lips compressed in that way that meant he was unhappy or didn’t believe what the other person was saying. “You should be more careful of the world, Izuru,” he said.
Kira didn’t care what he said. He would show him. He would prove to him that he wasn’t weak.
-
He always worked hard. He studied tirelessly and exercised regularly to keep himself fit and strong. He did amazing at every subject given to him and around the neighborhood he had become a well known athlete.
Other families marveled at the wonderful young man he was and told his mother so.
Kira took the praise with a nervous smile and an equally nervous laugh, swelling with the pride of his achievements.
His father looked on with that same dreary expression, no words of praise or even recognition falling from his lips. Kira hated him and loved him for it.
-
When he is older and stronger, he declared once again, “I want to become a Shinigami.”
“No.”
“Why not?! I’m strong! I’m brilliant!”
“You are brilliant,” his father affirmed. “But you are not wise.”
“I want to become a Shinigami,” Kira said again, ignoring the jabs. “I want to help the world.”
His father, unfailing, forbade him.
Kira hated him and loved him because he was the driving force behind everything he did. Kira’s constant need to show he was better than what his father thought of him made him the perfect model of a son he had become. It made him the person he was.
And never once had he thought of disobeying him. Daddy knew best after all and Kira was nothing if not loyal.
-
Throughout the years, despite his achievements, he was never good enough for a single word of praise or good enough for the Shinigami academy. Despite his high intellect, his impressive strength, his quick mind, his fierce loyalty, he was never good enough.
As father lay on his death bed, Kira voiced the question. “Do you still think I am weak?”
His father’s breath rasped like dry paper between his lips. “Yes.”
Kira’s hand clutched the sheet. “Why?”
“It’s not your mind or your body that’s weak,” his father rasped. “It’s your spirit that is weak.”
Kira didn’t understand what that meant exactly and he didn’t have the willpower to ask, not even when his father called his name in his final moments.
-
When he slammed the small stake in the ground, there was a strange sense of relief. The chains of his father fell away and he breathed a sigh of freedom.
There was sadness of course. He had been his father. But on top of that, and so much more importantly, he had been his God, a being he had tried so hard to please but had received no recognition in return. He had tried so hard and done so well, but had always been regarded as weak no matter what he did.
With no more rules to follow, with no one left to obey, Kira finally sets out to do what he had wanted, on his own terms.
-
If anyone had asked why he had joined the Gotei 13, Kira would have said, “My father.”
Most have thought it was very sweet and honorable, and that Kira was making his father proud by becoming a Shinigami.
But Kira hadn’t done it for that. He had joined to prove his father wrong.
-
He passes the test with flying colors, learns the demon arts almost effortlessly, and his ability with the sword astounds even the instructors.
He makes friends easily, gets along with his teachers and his peers, and is soon known as ‘that guy’. The guy who does everything right. The guy who is almost as well known as Shuuhei but not quite as good looking.
Kira laughs away the insult good naturedly, which only makes people like him more.
Kira follows every command and order without question and always with a smile. He is the golden child to the teachers. They praise him relentlessly.
Kira smiles at them and knows that in this world, in this element, surely his father had been wrong.
-
It is on their first mission that disaster strikes. They should have died but they are rescued and after the hollows had been disposed of, everyone becomes quite obsessed with their savior, the gentle Aizen. Hinamori has a huge case of hero worship and Renji is impressed by his strength. But for Kira it is the other man, the lieutenant, who piques his interest.
His name is Ichimaru Gin and it amazes Kira how even just a name can sound sinister. He is nothing like Aizen, who is kind and understanding and benevolent to all. Gin is different, darker, more mysterious, almost frightening in how much an enigma he is.
He sees without seeing and when his gaze falls on him, Kira feels a strange tingling, as if Gin is not looking at him but in him.
Gin makes a noncommittal sound in his throat and turns away.
Even with Gin’s gaze is elsewhere, Kira still feels that tingling along his flesh, down to his very bones.
-
It is weeks later before he sees him again. He is sitting on the stoop, heavy with sweat, taking a breather after the strenuous activity. It is Gin who approaches him out of all the other students and Kira doesn’t even sense his presence until he speaks.
“Kira. Your name is Kira?”
The question catches him off guard and he stares, blinking stupidly, before recovering himself and realizing he is being spoken to. “Yes.”
Gin rarely speaks and even more rarely does he speak to the younger students. Usually he speaks without speaking. Movements, noises, gestures. Gin is a man of few words but also a man of deep meaning.
“What an interesting choice of a name.”
“I think it suits me,” and before Kira can think better of himself he dives in. “Don’t you think so, sir?”
Gin smiles at that. “Well, that’s for you to prove isn’t it?”
Kira isn’t entirely sure if it’s a challenge or not but it certainly sounds like one. “I will do my best, sir.”
At his response, Gin’s smile only widens more.
-
They are recruited into Aizen’s division. Aizen had been so impressed with their bravery during the hollow attack that he had desired all three of them - Hinamori, Renji and Kira - under his jurisdiction.
Hinamori nearly cries with happiness. She has fallen head over heels for the captain and she talks about him incessantly. Even Renji, who is so hard to impress, approves of the man. Together they swear to Aizen that they will prove themselves worthy.
Kira makes no such declaration. The captain is too much like his mother. He believes everybody in the world is special. In other words, nobody really is.
At the inauguration, Kira searches the crowd. He spies Gin in the shadows leaning against the wall and he stares at him until the man, aware of being watched, straightens. Gin smiles and waves at him, and Kira feels the weight of judgment on his shoulders.
He makes his own vow.
I will prove to you that I am worthy.
-
He isn’t sure what he has to prove exactly. That he was worthy of the name Kira? That he was special? That he was stronger than his father thought he was? That he was worthy of Gin’s attention?
Kira has Aizen’s approval after all. It shouldn’t matter of course what Gin thinks but it does for some odd reason. Maybe it was the way he seemed so indifferent yet involved in everything. Maybe it was the way he just observed. Maybe it was because he was so entirely different, so entirely unique, that Kira felt he needed to prove he was unique too.
As Hinamori becomes obsessed with Aizen, Kira too becomes enthralled with Gin. He trains hard, works hard, studies hard. Even Renji starts to worry about him.
“You should take it easy.”
But then there is Gin across his field of vision, strolling across the yard, and Kira picks up his training with conviction, pushing himself further and further. Just one glance. Just one glance of appreciation and he can stop. Just to be noticed.
Gin doesn’t stop in his trek. Kira sinks exhausted to the ground.
-
There is little sleep in the Gotei 13 and even less for Kira. As the others sleep, he stays up reading and studying. Always he pushes himself to the limit and beyond. Always the overachiever.
A shadow falls across the floor. Kira, eyes black rimmed, looks up. His breath hitches.
“Ichimaru.”
Gin stands in the doorway. His hakama is slightly open, revealing the flesh underneath. He looks disheveled, as if he had just woken up.
Kira swallows. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”
Gin ignores the question. “Do you always study this late?”
“Usually, sir.”
“Oh? Whatever for?”
“Well, to be good, of course.”
“To be good?” The lieutenant’s voice carries an amused tone. “And who exactly are you trying to be good for?”
A chill sweeps up Kira’s spine. “For myself,” he says and even he can taste the lie in that. He bites his tongue at the sour taste in his mouth.
Gin makes an amused sound in his throat. He backs out of the doorway. “Get some sleep, Kira,” he smiles, half his face cloaked in darkness. “You don’t want to be so tired that you make a mistake at practice tomorrow. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt or anything.”
And even though Kira went to bed after that, it was still a long time before he found sleep.
-
The day it happened, Kira had thought that all his sacrifices, all his hard work, all the sweat and blood and sleepless nights, his efforts had been awarded at last.
“You want me, sir?”
Across the desk, the recently promoted Captain Gin looks back at him. There is a slight smirk on his face. “Does it surprise you so?”
“Well, I…I-”
“Because if you don’t want the positions, I’m sure I can find someone else.” Across his face, the smirk widens.
“No, sir!” Kira exclaims. “I mean yes, I do want it! I would be honored.”
“Splendid.” Gin leans back, his hands softly folding across themselves. “I’m sure you’ll do an excellent job.”
Barely managing to keep himself from grinning, the new Lieutenant Kira bows to his Captain. “I will try my best, sir.”
And for a moment, Kira wished his father had still been alive just so that he could see how far Kira had come despite what he said.
-
Quickly in his career Kira comes to learn that Gin is a good captain when he wants to be, which is rarely. Most of the time he saunters off to God knows where without explanation, leaving Kira behind to take care of everything in his stead. Sometimes, when he is around, he will sit at his desk staring at the ceiling and do nothing or he will lean back against the wall, and Kira swears he is sleeping but it’s so hard to tell with Gin.
If Kira didn’t know any better, he would have sworn Gin was downright lazy and careless. But Gin couldn’t be like that. Gin was a captain. He probably didn’t bother with the mundane affairs because he judged them below his status and trusted Kira to handle them.
The gesture made Kira feel honored, despite the frustration, exhaustion, and headaches he had to deal with on a regular basis from covering two work loads.
“I finished those reports you were supposed to make for you, sir.”
“Hmmm,” says Gin at the large pile Kira had set on his desk. “Nice work. Good job.”
At the small words of praise, Kira preens and immediately sets to work on more of Gin’s responsibilities. Gin makes him feel like the entire world believes in him.
-
Sometimes Kira wonders if Gin really cares at all. Had Gin really wanted him as his lieutenant? Or had he just randomly chosen someone? Maybe Gin had chosen him because his name sounded remotely familiar.
They rarely talk. Most of their communication is done without words being spoken, the rare times Gin is around that is. Gin is so cold, so distant, so reticent. Like Kira’s father had been.
But then there is the time when it is late at night and Kira has fallen asleep across his desk, the documents with Gin’s signature sprawled around him, and the long fingers will curve across his cheek, under his chin, and he opens his eyes to moonlight on pale hair and a face swathed in darkness.
“You should get some sleep,” says Gin softly.
And it makes Kira think that he cares, really does care and it wasn’t in his imagination after all.
I would die for you, Kira wants to say but he can never force the words out.
Despite that, he has a feeling Gin knows anyway.
-
He had played into their plans perfectly. They had used him and he, the gullible idiot, had fallen for it all. They had pulled the strings and he had moved to every command given, the perfect puppet for their devious plots. They had played with him as one would a toy.
He could be used, thrown away, and forgotten about.
Weak.
That is what they viewed him as.
And that hurt the most.
Against the stones Matsumoto had knocked him against, Kira retches. “I’m not weak.” His hand grips his sword until his knuckles turn white. “I’m not weak!”
-
There were interrogations of course. Countless hours of question and answer sessions, and Kira could provide them with barely any answers at all. They asked him again and again why he had gone along with it. Honestly Kira hadn’t known at the time what exactly he was going along with or what he had been dragged into. Gin never provided details about anything. The only answer Kira could provide was, “Because he was my captain.”
It made all the sense in the world to him even though it made none to others.
Eventually they had released him and afterwards…afterwards…
“I’m not weak.” Kira is lying in a pool of saki and his own vomit. “I’m not and I’m going to prove it.”
Matsumoto looks mildly down at him. “How are you going to do that?”
“I’m going to kill him.”
“Good luck then.” Matsumoto brings the jar of saki to her lips, eyes faraway and distant. “Because I am going to get him first.”
-
He had failed to mention during the interrogations that time. The time that had existed between the discovery of Central 46 and Gin releasing him from his cell. The time when he had shivered, and thought himself despicable and hated himself because he had done what he always did and that had resulted in him having to attack his own friend. Kira was, if nothing else, loyal to his superiors.
Gin is there with him, always there, and he looks at him without looking. It only makes Kira shiver all the more.
“Are you ready?” Gin asks.
Kira shakes his head, though he has no clue what Gin is referring to. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes.
Then Gin is suddenly against him, his weight leaning into his own, pressing them both into the wall, and Kira can barely breathe much less move.
“Don’t break,” Gin whispers into his ear. His breath tickles the side of Kira’s neck and he swallows without realizing it. “Not yet.”
Gin pulls slowly back and across his cheek, Kira can feel his lips. It makes him shiver for an entirely different reason.
-
Tell me what you see, Kira had always wanted to say. Tell me that I am what I think I am.
But like so many other things, he had been unable to force the words out.
I believed in you. Why me? Why did you do that? Is that really all you thought of me? Why did you choose me?
Now he doesn’t need to ask those things. Now he is going to prove Gin wrong.
Kira sharpens his sword and waits.
I am not weak.
-
He finds him walking the empty streets of the empty city, looking overly bored and disappointed, and it amazes Kira that he was able to find him first. He had always been an overachiever. Matsumoto probably hadn’t thrown herself into the search like he had.
The others are in the background, fighting with the Arrancar and their minions, too distracted to pay attention to an enemy miles away. Kira has Gin all to himself.
Gin destroys a few buildings to distract himself and Kira chooses this moment to make his presence known.
“Gin.”
At the sound of his name, he turns, a put-out expression on his face, not looking surprised at all by Kira’s appearance. He had probably sensed him minutes ago.
“Using my last name now?” Gin smiles at him and Kira vaguely wonders how even just a smile can look sinister. “Izuru-chan.”
Kira’s hands tighten into fists at the condescending words. “You lost the title of captain when you betrayed us. You don’t deserve it anymore.”
“Don’t be so rude,” Gin chides, looking a little crestfallen. “It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. Let’s try to be civil, ne?”
“I’m not going to let you talk your way out of this,” Kira unsheathes his sword. “I’m going to kill you and I’m going to prove to everyone that I’m not weak.”
“Oh? Is that what all this is about?” Gin laughs, actually laughs at him. “I didn’t realize your reason was so selfish. I thought this was for the justice of the world or something like that. Silly me.”
“It’s for both,” Kira lies.
He rushes at him. Gin barely moves, not until the last moment, then he slides to the side and the blade swings by.
“Not even going to release your sword?” Gin dodges the next few swings.
“I don’t need to.”
The tip of Kira’s sword catches the fabric of Gin’s sleeve. It rips loudly and Gin’s frowns disappointedly at it.
“My, my, you are taking this seriously.”
“As should you!”
Kira’s sword comes swinging down and a satisfying cling greets Kira’s ears.
“I’ll humor you,” says Gin in his playful way, as if this is all a fun game. His own sword grinds against Kira’s blade. “I owe you that I suppose. After all, without you, my sweet lieutenant, I would never have gotten as far as I have.”
Gin smiles into Kira’s face and Kira swings his sword with a roar. They move across the sand, Kira attacking and Gin deflecting his blows. Gin makes no move to counter but Kira doesn’t care. He just needs to beat him, just once.
He refuses to release his sword, even after his breath becomes choppy and the sweat pours down his face. Even now he is still so reluctant to go all out against the man who had once been his commander. Even after all the hurt and betrayal, Kira still cannot shake the feeling that releasing his sword against Gin would feel like he was the one betraying him.
He will defeat Gin without any special tricks, just pure steel against steel. He will win and he will prove to them all - his father, Aizen, Gin, all of them - that he is not weak like they all think he is. He will show them he cannot be thrown away so easily.
“Looks like you’re getting a little tired there, Izuru-chan. Maybe you should rest.”
“Not until I’ve defeated you.”
“How typical of you, Izuru-chan. Always out there with something to prove. Always the overachiever.”
“Fuck you.”
The smile widens on Gin’s face. “Is that an offer?”
Kira screams and the sudden outburst catches Gin offguard. Kira slams into him, their swords clashing, and forces him against the wall. He holds him there.
“Stop it.” He breathes harshly. “Stop toying with me.”
Gin makes no move to break free. He is still smiling and Kira hates him for it. Even now when he has him pressed against the wall, a sword inches from his throat, he refuses to treat him seriously.
“I hate you.”
“So cruel, Izuru-chan.”
Gin moves faster than Kira expected and before he can react their positions are switched and his own back is slammed into the wall. Gin is leaning into him, like the day he told him not to break, and now the sword is at his throat.
And Gin continues to smile, looking so smug, looking as if he knows everything about Kira (what makes him tick, what pleases him, what makes him fight so long and so hard for what seems like absolutely nothing).
Their faces are so close and Kira wants nothing more to wipe that smug look off his face. He wants Gin to look at him with an expression of surprise and defeat, like he would look if Kira managed to drive his sword into his chest. He simply wants to completely and utterly unsettle him.
“What a strange expression, Izuru-ch-”
Gin didn’t get a chance to finish that sentence as Kira suddenly drops his sword, freeing his hands, and grabs the back of Gin’s head. Then, he crushes his lips to Gin’s own.
Why he did it exactly he’s not sure. Maybe he had grown desperate. Maybe he just needed to see that look of shock on Gin’s face so desperately he’d do anything for it. He just needed to conquer him even if it such a small victory as this.
Kira waits for the massive explosion of revulsion. Waits for Gin to stumble back away from him and waits to see the fire of anger that will exist in his eyes. But Kira does not receive the aggressive reaction he is hoping for.
Instead he feels a sudden shift and Gin’s tongue is moving against his own, warm breath fanning against his cheek.
Kira has always known deep down inside himself that getting tangled in Gin would mean the death of him. That may have been partly why Gin had always intrigued him and why Kira had wanted his attention so. Gin would end up destroying him, in more ways than one, and the most frightening part of all was that Kira just might let him.
Gin’s teeth graze his lips softly. Kira expects him to bite, but rather Gin is gentle and smooth, almost considerate in his actions. It is a sharp contrast to his usual personality. It reminds Kira of the nights Gin had told him to rest.
His head begins to swim, the mixture of lust and lack of oxygen making him light headed, and Kira feels himself unraveling.
He pushes against Gin, forcing the other man desperately away. His back thumps into the wall. His legs give out beneath him and he slides down to rest at Gin’s feet.
Gin stands above him. He smirks and wipes his arm across his lips. “How interesting.”
Kira closes his eyes. He shudders. A wave of nausea overtakes him and he buries his head in his knees.
Gin shifts beside him but Kira makes no movement. He doesn’t even want to see him anymore. His arms tighten around his knees.
Weak. He was always so weak.
“I’m going now, Izuru-chan,” says Gin pleasantly, completely unruffled despite what had just transpired between them. “Perhaps we’ll meet again sometime, hn?”
The toes in Kira’s view disappear from sight and he can hear Gin turn to leave. Kira raises his head.
“Wait!”
Gin stops. He half turns, face blank, one eyebrow raised.
And just like with his father, it is only in the final moments that Kira has the strength to voice the question he has always wanted answered. “Why?” His hand clutches the fabric over his knee. “Why did you choose me? Why me? Out of all the other candidates, why me?”
Is it because I’m weak?
“I didn’t choose you,” says Gin. He shrugs one shoulder. “Aizen told me who to choose. I just followed his order.”
Loyal. Gin is so loyal. Loyal to a fault.
Kira stares at him and Gin smiles one more time before turning and walking away. Kira didn’t call him back.
-
It is hours later when he finds him again. Matsumoto is breathing but Gin is not and Kira drops his sword at the sight.
Matsumoto looks up at the sound.
“I’m not crying,” says Kira. “I’m not that weak.”
“Of course not,” Matsumoto agrees and gently wipes away the tears on his face with her sleeve.