(no subject)
You know I really do hate LJ, but I feel like I need to vent. I hate life, like not in the way that most ppl do, like I am never satisfied... I was for a bit, but I wasnt cause all good things have to come to an end and thats life. Its like when I was born I wasnt supposed to be happy ever. I mean dont get me wrong I am fortunate to be healthy and not be poor but I am incredibly depressed about everything. I mean what if I never fall in love again I die alone. I am already postive that I will die miserably and I am content with that. I am just tired of being alone. I want someone I can hold at night and know they love me and want to be there. I guess I have a serious problem with being alone and not being wanted. The only time when I feel satisfied is when I am on drugs, its ridiculous. When I am with someone I dont even think about them, then when I am alone again I need them to make me not think. I wish i could go back in time and change alot of things. I think alot about what couldve been, maybe if I wouldnt have done this I wouldnt have all these mental problems. So what do I do at night, I lay in my bed smoking and looking at the ceiling contiplating my life everynight. The same things thought about every goddamn night. Pointless.... I am a weak minded individual who fears being alone. I gotta get out of this, I dont know where to start, i want to start over, I want a fresh start at life. I want better things. I want to clear my head completely forget everything, all the pain and suffering I was put through because of my weakness. its my own fault, I caused all of this. I just want to be done.