Put on a happy face!
Since Billi and Matt are going to be an item. I'm going to have to pretend as if it doesn't bother me. But I normally do that everyday. I wear a mask. Wait, no, I'm going to show the school...who I really am. Maybe Matt and Billi will realize that they are tearing me apart. I'll cut myself, and show off my cuts. I'll cry in front of people. I'll look broken and dead. I am no longer wearing a mask. The school can see the true Raquel.
Fuckers, I hope you are happy. I hope everyone is happy for Billi and Matt because I will never be happy for them. No matter how many people tell me I will get better friends and meet better guys...I want my old Billi back and I want Matt still.
I'm thinking of cutting "Fine Again" into my stomach....yea..I will. =) I'll take pictures and post them. I'll keep cutting "Fine Again" into my body, so it can remind me that I am fine. Even though I'm not. I know I'm not fine. But I need my mind and body to be like...yes she is fine. I want other people to believe that I am fine. Even though I'm not. I want my parents to see me look happy, but in reality I'm not. I want teachers to not look at me as if I'm fucked up or depressed.
I visited my old teachers and the 1st thing one of my teachers said was "Whatcha depressed about?" They know me from the inside out....I spilled my guts(not throw up but told them everything) I showed them my cuts, I showed them my lj and gj. And they all hugged me and said that I am such a great person and they don't understand why I'm treating myself like dirt. I don't know why I am either.
I don't want to get better, but then I do. I'm so confused. I just want to cut my sorrow and pain away. I'm done...I have to move on. No more rants...for a while.