Feeling so very unfabulous
I feel a bit lame posting stuff like this. It's like the old stereotype of 'omg I'm so miserable and upset! I'm going to go whine on my livejournal for six hours' but as TurCoff would say, I'm sort of deflated right now anyway.
Soooooooo........let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.
I actually don't know where this all started. Or how to describe it. It's sort of like in anime where the nice or seemingly innocent main character has a dark and scary alter ego that slowly starts devouring their mind and ruining everything with anger and hatred. And like it anime, it's usually over really stupid ass shit.
Somewhere in the past year, my personality took a huge split. Half the time, I'd be peppy, happy and really friendly or snuggly, then the other half I'd be cruel, angry and bitchy out of my mind. I think it began with little things, like being nitpicky over how active people were in shops on gaia - yeah, so important right? - or the grammar people used. That part started a while ago, maybe years even. It wasn't so important at first, just a nervous tick, but after a while, particularly as of some time last year, it got to be just plain evil at times.
The nitpickiness got worse, being just plain mean to some people over really lame ticks. And so did the happy side, really. Got so much worse.
I have always been a pretty annoying person, so far as I can remember. When I was young, I would take everything as an insult. I'd cry and whine and complain about everything that really wasn't a problem. I've been obese since I was pretty young, steadily gaining weight over the years, and that's always been a bit of a subject I would get picked on over. I've never had particularly high self esteem or body image. Though, really, I do think I had good reasonings hiding somewhere behind it, but my thoughts and behaviors weren't as good as they should have been. I never thought myself pretty - there were always pretty girls in my classes and I always wanted to be pretty like them but never was.
I've also always had a kind of weird name. My first name is Miriam and that is not a particularly easy name to pronounce, apparently, particularly if you aren't reading it. I have been called everything from Marium, Mary-Anne, Meredith, Maryin and Murial to Miran Taylor (which is pretty damn far off from my last name). I wasn't as bothered by this most of the time - my best friend had always called me Marium, as had her family, and I was used to it. But in school, kids did tend to call me Big Marium or Fat Marium or just use mispronouncing my name as an excuse to tease me. Though, to be fair, if you're in elementary school with teensy tinsy little girls in their uniforms, and you are already taller than your mother and too round to fit in some of the desks right, there's going to be some people who will use it as an excuse to mock you, particularly if you make yourself an easy target by whining or crying or complaining whenever they do.
I think it was middle school or high school when I started wearing a trademark outfit. Most people who know me can picture my trademark outfit - a bright red hoodie - later with writing all over it, a pair of elastic waste blue jeans, and crocs. I didn't wear it so I would have a trademark look, and it wasn't because I liked looking that way, it was just what I could wear. As TurCoff would say, I have an apple shape. My belly, upper arms, thighs, and face tend to be the grossest, fattest, flabbiest parts of me. I have decently sized wrists, really thick ankles, thinnish fingertips (comes from the typing and internet addiction) and thick lower parts of my fingers. I weigh, as of last time I officially checked, 360 pounds and it has probably gone up since then. And given how my shape is and what places I'm larger in, it makes buying clothes particularly difficult - most clothes that are for people my size look like they are either for old church ladies or they are cut for people who probably do not have humongous disgusting arms or thighs they can't get most pants over.
My look of the hoodie - tight on my arms and belly, loose over my hands - with the jeans that do not at all flatter my shape, has been my main outfit for a while for a few reasons. For one it fits decently and I can actually wear it, like how it looks or not. And for another thing, it's really easy to get on when you're tired in the morning and don't want to get out of bed to go to school. I really don't like being up in the mornings and I'm pretty damn lazy so getting dressed has to be quick and easy. That and after a while, I really stopped caring how nice I looked because people generally didn't notice and were probably going to insult me anyway so why bother?
I've always been an attentionwhore. Let's face it, I love to talk and I love being able to sit for hours and talk about whatever with people. I don't like being alone or bored and when people aren't paying attention to me or I'm not participating in something, I feel that way. This tends to result in me being super clingy and chatty with people who really don't want to talk to me that much. That generally results in me severely alienating most everyone who I share interests with. Let's face it, the people I get along with best in real life are a boy I barely talk to who has a hard time disliking most anyone who shares interests with him, and a guy who can be severely abusive verbally, a total ass at times, and I'd still hang out with him because I am fricken lonely and we can talk about a lot of stuff together I can't talk with normal people about.
Online, my best friends are a girl who generally shares my opinions and a lot of the same issues I have (who is godly for me to rp with and Ilu so hard), a girl who loves the same music I do and tends to have similar opinions to me on some things, but has problems I can't at all relate to or give proper help with, and numerous people I rp with and tend to be amused by crack with.
Somewhere during this, I lost my purpose in writing this. Maybe I just wanted to talk about it, I do like to talk. Anyway, I've just been slowly becoming more and more of a bitch half of the time and utterly snuggly with other people. Half the time, the two groups don't seem to meet. You either see me when I'm bouncy and happy or you see me when I'm bitching, complaining and just being impossible over stupid shit.
I've found that playing snarky or mean characters is not a good idea for me - it always results in me just using them as an excuse to bitch about things I normally wouldn't bitch about or care about at people I'd probably have been perfectly nice to otherwise. It honestly ruins a bunch of my friendships and while I really wish people would tell me when I've gotten to the point where I annoy the shit out of them or am being a total bitch, I'm also terrified of it. Confrontation scares me, I actually get to the point where I will be physically feeling sick if I have an argument with someone about a subject I disagree with them on. Though, I also seem to find playing very sweet, innocent and cute characters both helpful and pleasant. But anyway.
I've completely lost my train of thought and where I was going with this. I dunno. I need to clean up my behavior and my life. But damn does my head hurt. I'll post more if I think of anything.