Screw kids these days, let's talk about parents
So a dear friend of mine linked me to this article which highly annoyed her. You can read it for yourself, but it was essentially pointing out something about kids getting in trouble because of internet gaming and running away. The main story was about a boy who got involved with a 42 year old woman over WoW and ran away to be with her for a bit.
Throughout all of this, I can't help but beat my head into a wall. Firstly - I KNOW they are going to start blaming games for this shit. It happened with D&D, and it's been happening with things like Wow and violent video games for forever. Games are just a scapegoat for bad parenting these days. I do believe a song from South Park expresses it best: "We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming us".
Let's notice some major points here that kind of show that the boy isn't the one who is really at fault in all of this:
1) - His mother KNEW about the whole fucking thing. She knew of it FOR MORE THAN A YEAR.
"Ms. Kane learned of her son's strange relationship more than a year ago, when she stumbled upon an MSN chat log between the two. The family keeps its computer in a common area, where it could be shared with Andrew's sisters, Nicole, 19, and Samantha, 13.
But the teen was apparently unaware that the computer kept a log of his chats, and Ms. Kane read in horror as her son discussed meeting his much older girlfriend face to face and engaged in overt sexual discussions...
...Ms. Kane said she had considered contacting the police after learning about the relationship, but was satisfied by Andrew's assurances that he would not share any personal information with the woman. Until this week, Ms. Kane and her husband had not heard anything about Ms. Price for more than eight months..."
HEY STUPID! GUESS WHAT? IF YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS SHIT A YEAR AGO, YOU SHOULDA KEPT TABS. NEVER EVER TAKE THE WORD OF A TEENAGER ON WHAT THEY ARE AND ARE NOT DOING, ESPECIALLY IF THEY WERE KEEPING IT FROM YOU TO BEGIN WITH. Teens are not THAT dumb, we have it shoved down our throats all through school about the dangers out there and essentially are told "these are the warning signs that you are up to this that or the other thing" and teens know to hide those damn signs as well as they can. The only reason you found out about this affair at all is cause he didn't know about the logs - THAT IS IT. OTHERWISE YOU HAD NO REASON TO KNOW. And damn if he probably didn't start watching his back after that. He may have assured you he wasn't doing anything wrong, but that just is a 'no no of course I've stopped this behavior that you hated, yeah I totally am behaving myself' when he's really going about the same thing he was before. It's called lying - learn about it.
And seriously, you caught your kid doing something they shouldn't have. This is not a reason to back off after confronting them. This is a reason to be more protective and watchful. They have betrayed your trust for doing it to begin with, they do not get the second chance with it - they have to earn it the hell back and even then, if the only way to keep them in line is to be strict on them, then stay strict. It's like making them eat right - they hate it, but it's good for them and it's your job to do it. You are not your child's best friend - you are their PARENT and should learn to put them in their place.
2) They knew he was addicted to all sorts of gaming and had a problem with it, sent him to a shrink for it, AND THEN LET HIM BACK ON THE DAMN GAMES.
"His disappearance this week is the latest instalment of the family battle over World of Warcraft, an online multiplayer swords-and-sorcery game.
For more than a year, Ms. Kane said her son has played the game “every waking hour,” and has rarely attended school because of the addiction.
His parents took his computer away for four weeks last year and put him in a counselling program, but after a month, Andrew's psychologist suggested that his computer privileges be reinstated as a reward for the progress he had made.
“We thought he was managing it well, but eventually he was back to his old habits,” said Ms. Kane. “It turned out to be not so great advice.”
Really there, Captain Obvious, not so great advice? YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID. You put him in counseling because he was ADDICTED. YOU ARE TRYING TO GET HIM TO NOT NEED THIS ANYMORE. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE TRYING TO LET HIM HAVE IT BACK. This is like if your son was a crack addict and you sent him to rehab for a month and then listened when the director said ':D your kid's been doing so well, you should give them a little bit of cocaine as a reward' Um HELLO?! DOES YOUR BRAIN WORK IN THERE? THAT IS WHEN YOU FIRE THE SHRINK AND GET HIM A NEW ONE.
CAN I MAKE THIS CLEARER? Dear god, NO. Do not give him back the internet - you've already seen he can't handle it. There are plenty of people in the world who can say 'no' and walk away - he is not one of them. Recognize this and take steps to keep him away from his addiction.
3) He asked you to go stay with some stranger he claimed to be in love with and had met on the internet, and wanted you to take him TO A HOTEL FOR IT, and you just let him go back to his computer and didn't watch him like a god damn hawk?
"On Tuesday evening, 16-year-old Andrew Kane nonchalantly asked his mother and father if they would drive him from their Barrie, Ont., home to a hotel in nearby Midland, where he planned to meet a 42-year-old woman with whom he had been having a secret relationship over the Internet.
His stunned parents refused and the teen calmly returned to the computer, telling them he would let the woman know he wasn't coming. At 2 a.m., Marlene Kane heard her front door open, and found her son gone, leaving behind a troubling trail of web chats that led to Houston, Tex., and the World of Warcraft."
DO NOT EVER TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS CALMLY. "o hi mom and dad can you drive me to a HOTEL to meet my MIDDLE AGED GIRLFRIEND THAT I MET ON THE INTERWEBZ? No? ok i go tell her i's not gunna meet her. nini mom and dad! :D" What kind of dumbass are you? You keep your eyes on him for the rest of the night and the next few to make sure he doesn't run away - like I mean hello, most teenagers think they know better than their folks. If Mom and Dad refuse permission, they've essentially just said 'we will not make this easy for you' not 'you are not doing this'. You've just created another obstacle in the way of 'twu luv' not stopped it. You do not let him tell anyone he's not coming, you send him the fuck to his room and keep a close watch on him while you get on and tell this person that your son is never going to contact them again, and he most certainly is not coming to visit. Then you make sure it happens - you monitor all computer time if any, and you keep their ass from running.
Now don't get me wrong - in some cases, it is necessary for a kid to run away from home. The home could be abusive or bad for them. But most likely the kid in question isn't going to ask for permission or a ride from the people abusing them or if they are, they are going to lie about where they are going and run from "Abby's sleepover" the second your car is off in the distance. But if the kid is still under your care, you particularly need to keep your eyes on them, for their safety. Kids and teens do not like doing things that are good for them, and it's your damn job to make sure they do it, whether they like it or not.
His note afterwards proves that you shoulda kept watch: "“I don't know how to explain it to you, but this will show you not only the commitment we have to each other, but also that your fears of her are ill found,” he wrote. “Like I said, she offered to meet with you. I got in the way of that. What person who would do me harm would be willing to meet with you?”
He is deluded into the idea that his is the truest of loves and that running away to meet this person is in fact, not dangerous, but a testament to his commitment to his twu luv and that you totally shouldn't worry about him. There's something not right here. Did you not teach your kid about this enough? Not the 'stranger danger' bullshit but that running away to be with someone is not the right thing to do if you are in love. Honestly, his folks are acting halfway like they're trying to be strict and halfway like they're trying to treat him like an 'adult'.
If you discover your kid is having an internet relationship - particularly with someone older - you talk to them about it. You do not do the whole 'you must not do this' shpiel, but you most certainly talk to them about why you feel this is wrong and even if they say they understand, you watch them like a hawk and establish your point. If they say 'I'm in love with this person' you do not immediately go "NO!" - tell them why the fuck what they are doing is not okay with you and give them options so they don't feel you're just oppressing twu luv.
For example: If your son claims he is madly and truly in love with a 42 year old woman from texas, say you don't want him to run off with someone you haven't met and if they are truly in love, he'll ask her to come see you guys a bit first. He's still living with you and you are still in charge. A sixteen year old shouldn't be spending an unsupervised weekend with anyone you don't know, particularly a love interest. If there wasn't something wrong about going to suddenly see her and stay with her, you shouldn't be forbidding it and he should understand this. If you honestly don't want him dating this person at all, you really have no choice unless you do my earlier suggestion of getting on and telling them to stay away from your kid, and even then you still have no power unless you whip out the iron fist. The person already bothered to come to your town, you can at least ask them to come see you first before spending the holidays in a hotel with your kid.
4) This is more about the second story: A kid ran away from home because his parents took away his Xbox, fell out of a tree and died. That seems more like an issue with the kid till you look closer at the article: He threatened to run away when they took it AND HIS DAD HELPED HIM PACK HIS KNAPSACK. HEY DUMBASS - THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Do you know why kids do the whole 'I'll run away' angle these days? It isn't just to scare you - it is because they believe that's a threat they can back up. Not every kid can shout "IF YOU TAKE AWAY MY XBOX I'LL KILL MYSELF" and mean it - some will, mind you and handing them a fucking shotgun and daring them to is also a dipshit idea - but they can run away.
Teens these days are more self-sufficient than in times before. There are homeless shelters, homes for runaways, places that will hire you if you are desperate enough, etc. Your kid can and will survive on their own if they're determined enough. Many already want to, getting jobs at a younger age, going away to college - they are ready to be rid of you, you're just giving them permission and motive to do it now because you obviously do not love them enough to give them what they want (or they desperately want to be away from you). Fits of passion motivate people to do stupid things, including leave a comfortable home over some stupid thing like an xbox. And pride or the feeling that their parents do not want them back is enough to keep them gone once the passion is gone. And while some will just move on and find a way to make it, others, like the kid in the article, will not.
Am I saying that you should relent and return the x-box? No. But I am saying that calling the bluff of running away is a bad idea. Your kid may be the type who'd return in a few days once they got sick of roughing it - but they also may not. And they may also be the type who can't rough it for a few days. Do you really want to run that risk over a fucking X-box?
I say this to all parents: Do you know where your kids are? Do you know what they're doing? It's time for more sensible parenting to come back. We may be in a new age where our parents do not run our lives so thoroughly that we cannot even decide who we marry, but that does not mean we should treat this as an age where parents let children run wild. If it were, parents would be obsolete - and when parents become truly obsolete, children will no longer exist. Once a child grows up enough to be completely self-sufficient, they aren't children anymore. If they are not mentally or physically ready for this, then they are still children and still need a parent. Having a legal age of majority just sets a time for when most are forced to start making the change towards self sufficiency, but not every kid who hits that age or near it is really ready. Is yours?
Throughout all of this, I can't help but beat my head into a wall. Firstly - I KNOW they are going to start blaming games for this shit. It happened with D&D, and it's been happening with things like Wow and violent video games for forever. Games are just a scapegoat for bad parenting these days. I do believe a song from South Park expresses it best: "We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming us".
Let's notice some major points here that kind of show that the boy isn't the one who is really at fault in all of this:
1) - His mother KNEW about the whole fucking thing. She knew of it FOR MORE THAN A YEAR.
"Ms. Kane learned of her son's strange relationship more than a year ago, when she stumbled upon an MSN chat log between the two. The family keeps its computer in a common area, where it could be shared with Andrew's sisters, Nicole, 19, and Samantha, 13.
But the teen was apparently unaware that the computer kept a log of his chats, and Ms. Kane read in horror as her son discussed meeting his much older girlfriend face to face and engaged in overt sexual discussions...
...Ms. Kane said she had considered contacting the police after learning about the relationship, but was satisfied by Andrew's assurances that he would not share any personal information with the woman. Until this week, Ms. Kane and her husband had not heard anything about Ms. Price for more than eight months..."
HEY STUPID! GUESS WHAT? IF YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS SHIT A YEAR AGO, YOU SHOULDA KEPT TABS. NEVER EVER TAKE THE WORD OF A TEENAGER ON WHAT THEY ARE AND ARE NOT DOING, ESPECIALLY IF THEY WERE KEEPING IT FROM YOU TO BEGIN WITH. Teens are not THAT dumb, we have it shoved down our throats all through school about the dangers out there and essentially are told "these are the warning signs that you are up to this that or the other thing" and teens know to hide those damn signs as well as they can. The only reason you found out about this affair at all is cause he didn't know about the logs - THAT IS IT. OTHERWISE YOU HAD NO REASON TO KNOW. And damn if he probably didn't start watching his back after that. He may have assured you he wasn't doing anything wrong, but that just is a 'no no of course I've stopped this behavior that you hated, yeah I totally am behaving myself' when he's really going about the same thing he was before. It's called lying - learn about it.
And seriously, you caught your kid doing something they shouldn't have. This is not a reason to back off after confronting them. This is a reason to be more protective and watchful. They have betrayed your trust for doing it to begin with, they do not get the second chance with it - they have to earn it the hell back and even then, if the only way to keep them in line is to be strict on them, then stay strict. It's like making them eat right - they hate it, but it's good for them and it's your job to do it. You are not your child's best friend - you are their PARENT and should learn to put them in their place.
2) They knew he was addicted to all sorts of gaming and had a problem with it, sent him to a shrink for it, AND THEN LET HIM BACK ON THE DAMN GAMES.
"His disappearance this week is the latest instalment of the family battle over World of Warcraft, an online multiplayer swords-and-sorcery game.
For more than a year, Ms. Kane said her son has played the game “every waking hour,” and has rarely attended school because of the addiction.
His parents took his computer away for four weeks last year and put him in a counselling program, but after a month, Andrew's psychologist suggested that his computer privileges be reinstated as a reward for the progress he had made.
“We thought he was managing it well, but eventually he was back to his old habits,” said Ms. Kane. “It turned out to be not so great advice.”
Really there, Captain Obvious, not so great advice? YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID. You put him in counseling because he was ADDICTED. YOU ARE TRYING TO GET HIM TO NOT NEED THIS ANYMORE. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE TRYING TO LET HIM HAVE IT BACK. This is like if your son was a crack addict and you sent him to rehab for a month and then listened when the director said ':D your kid's been doing so well, you should give them a little bit of cocaine as a reward' Um HELLO?! DOES YOUR BRAIN WORK IN THERE? THAT IS WHEN YOU FIRE THE SHRINK AND GET HIM A NEW ONE.
CAN I MAKE THIS CLEARER? Dear god, NO. Do not give him back the internet - you've already seen he can't handle it. There are plenty of people in the world who can say 'no' and walk away - he is not one of them. Recognize this and take steps to keep him away from his addiction.
3) He asked you to go stay with some stranger he claimed to be in love with and had met on the internet, and wanted you to take him TO A HOTEL FOR IT, and you just let him go back to his computer and didn't watch him like a god damn hawk?
"On Tuesday evening, 16-year-old Andrew Kane nonchalantly asked his mother and father if they would drive him from their Barrie, Ont., home to a hotel in nearby Midland, where he planned to meet a 42-year-old woman with whom he had been having a secret relationship over the Internet.
His stunned parents refused and the teen calmly returned to the computer, telling them he would let the woman know he wasn't coming. At 2 a.m., Marlene Kane heard her front door open, and found her son gone, leaving behind a troubling trail of web chats that led to Houston, Tex., and the World of Warcraft."
DO NOT EVER TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS CALMLY. "o hi mom and dad can you drive me to a HOTEL to meet my MIDDLE AGED GIRLFRIEND THAT I MET ON THE INTERWEBZ? No? ok i go tell her i's not gunna meet her. nini mom and dad! :D" What kind of dumbass are you? You keep your eyes on him for the rest of the night and the next few to make sure he doesn't run away - like I mean hello, most teenagers think they know better than their folks. If Mom and Dad refuse permission, they've essentially just said 'we will not make this easy for you' not 'you are not doing this'. You've just created another obstacle in the way of 'twu luv' not stopped it. You do not let him tell anyone he's not coming, you send him the fuck to his room and keep a close watch on him while you get on and tell this person that your son is never going to contact them again, and he most certainly is not coming to visit. Then you make sure it happens - you monitor all computer time if any, and you keep their ass from running.
Now don't get me wrong - in some cases, it is necessary for a kid to run away from home. The home could be abusive or bad for them. But most likely the kid in question isn't going to ask for permission or a ride from the people abusing them or if they are, they are going to lie about where they are going and run from "Abby's sleepover" the second your car is off in the distance. But if the kid is still under your care, you particularly need to keep your eyes on them, for their safety. Kids and teens do not like doing things that are good for them, and it's your damn job to make sure they do it, whether they like it or not.
His note afterwards proves that you shoulda kept watch: "“I don't know how to explain it to you, but this will show you not only the commitment we have to each other, but also that your fears of her are ill found,” he wrote. “Like I said, she offered to meet with you. I got in the way of that. What person who would do me harm would be willing to meet with you?”
He is deluded into the idea that his is the truest of loves and that running away to meet this person is in fact, not dangerous, but a testament to his commitment to his twu luv and that you totally shouldn't worry about him. There's something not right here. Did you not teach your kid about this enough? Not the 'stranger danger' bullshit but that running away to be with someone is not the right thing to do if you are in love. Honestly, his folks are acting halfway like they're trying to be strict and halfway like they're trying to treat him like an 'adult'.
If you discover your kid is having an internet relationship - particularly with someone older - you talk to them about it. You do not do the whole 'you must not do this' shpiel, but you most certainly talk to them about why you feel this is wrong and even if they say they understand, you watch them like a hawk and establish your point. If they say 'I'm in love with this person' you do not immediately go "NO!" - tell them why the fuck what they are doing is not okay with you and give them options so they don't feel you're just oppressing twu luv.
For example: If your son claims he is madly and truly in love with a 42 year old woman from texas, say you don't want him to run off with someone you haven't met and if they are truly in love, he'll ask her to come see you guys a bit first. He's still living with you and you are still in charge. A sixteen year old shouldn't be spending an unsupervised weekend with anyone you don't know, particularly a love interest. If there wasn't something wrong about going to suddenly see her and stay with her, you shouldn't be forbidding it and he should understand this. If you honestly don't want him dating this person at all, you really have no choice unless you do my earlier suggestion of getting on and telling them to stay away from your kid, and even then you still have no power unless you whip out the iron fist. The person already bothered to come to your town, you can at least ask them to come see you first before spending the holidays in a hotel with your kid.
4) This is more about the second story: A kid ran away from home because his parents took away his Xbox, fell out of a tree and died. That seems more like an issue with the kid till you look closer at the article: He threatened to run away when they took it AND HIS DAD HELPED HIM PACK HIS KNAPSACK. HEY DUMBASS - THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Do you know why kids do the whole 'I'll run away' angle these days? It isn't just to scare you - it is because they believe that's a threat they can back up. Not every kid can shout "IF YOU TAKE AWAY MY XBOX I'LL KILL MYSELF" and mean it - some will, mind you and handing them a fucking shotgun and daring them to is also a dipshit idea - but they can run away.
Teens these days are more self-sufficient than in times before. There are homeless shelters, homes for runaways, places that will hire you if you are desperate enough, etc. Your kid can and will survive on their own if they're determined enough. Many already want to, getting jobs at a younger age, going away to college - they are ready to be rid of you, you're just giving them permission and motive to do it now because you obviously do not love them enough to give them what they want (or they desperately want to be away from you). Fits of passion motivate people to do stupid things, including leave a comfortable home over some stupid thing like an xbox. And pride or the feeling that their parents do not want them back is enough to keep them gone once the passion is gone. And while some will just move on and find a way to make it, others, like the kid in the article, will not.
Am I saying that you should relent and return the x-box? No. But I am saying that calling the bluff of running away is a bad idea. Your kid may be the type who'd return in a few days once they got sick of roughing it - but they also may not. And they may also be the type who can't rough it for a few days. Do you really want to run that risk over a fucking X-box?
I say this to all parents: Do you know where your kids are? Do you know what they're doing? It's time for more sensible parenting to come back. We may be in a new age where our parents do not run our lives so thoroughly that we cannot even decide who we marry, but that does not mean we should treat this as an age where parents let children run wild. If it were, parents would be obsolete - and when parents become truly obsolete, children will no longer exist. Once a child grows up enough to be completely self-sufficient, they aren't children anymore. If they are not mentally or physically ready for this, then they are still children and still need a parent. Having a legal age of majority just sets a time for when most are forced to start making the change towards self sufficiency, but not every kid who hits that age or near it is really ready. Is yours?