My Last Goodbye.
Once again I feel pathetic writing to you in email but this is an easier way for me to say goodbye one last time. I don't know where to start or why I am even writing but something has brought me to this point. You have done great things for me out of the kindness of your heart...I'm not saying that...I am just so tired of crying and hurting which is the basis of my email. Bare with me...read it before reacting to it. That's all I ask read it first...think about it.
There are some things I do regret and one of them is you choosing to sleep with me the first night you picked me up in St. Pete. Why do you think I kept saying I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen and why at first I was so hesitant about doing anything with you? I was weak and my feelings for you were surfacing and I didn't want them to. I cried myself to sleep so many nights after moving in with you because I was hurting inside. I wanted you to hold me, to kiss me, to tell me you loved me but knew it wouldn't happen because I was a closed door and a never again. I tore the house into pieces when you left to go pick up Kelly to see her. That's why when you called I said give me a few minutes because the living room is a mess. I had torn it into pieces out of anger and pain. That's why I kept myself busy whenever she came to see you or stay the night because I didn't want to deal with the feelings...I didn't want to have them. So I did everything I could to keep them hidden from you and to keep denying to myself that they weren't true. I regret not telling you from the get go but I don't know why I didn't.
I remember the conversation we had clearly on that Friday night Joe. I remember everything, I remember you telling your mother that you broke up with Kelly after she told you I was there with her. I didn't want to talk to you then because after the letter I had written I wanted to be done...but part of me didn't want it to be over. When I talked to you after your mother had left the room you wanted me back...you had even gone as far to tell me that if you had known that from the beginning that you wouldn't have been looking for anyone else. I had even asked you but I thought once you closed the door it was over and you said most of the time that is true. YOU had asked me...if I wanted to come back to have a place to live or to come back to be with you as a couple. I told you I wanted to come back for us to be together...I answered honestly and I don't regret answering that way. YOU had even said that I would have some problems to work on and I told you I am willing to work on mine as long as you work on yours and that I wasn't giving up contact with my mother even if it was just email. You were ok with that. YOU had even said that if you had known that I wanted you to be my man that you wouldn't have sent me out looking for a job, a place to stay, etc. and that now I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor in the living room. WHY did you LIE to me Joe? You CAN'T blame the meds you were on for what you had said.....NO EXCUSE...think about it...you wrote the book on it so to speak...www.personalresponsibility.biz . Sound familiar? It should.
I have treated you like a bad guy because what you have done to me emotionally is way inexcusable. I am hurting and I am tired of it. I don't understand how you can do that to someone. I am not the type of person to sleep around with everyone...like I told you there were only two people after you...whom I didn't even loved...I cared but I didn't love them...I was still in love with you. I gave you my heart Joe, the one thing I kept safe away from everyone including my family. You know that when I first met you I was hesitant at first to even open up to you but eventually I did. I poured my heart, my soul, my whole being into that relationship. I gave up my family, my friends, my whole life for you because I loved you. I moved in with you rather quickly and we moved rather quickly in our relationship. Why do you think when you told me that if you couldn’t send me to NY for Christmas that you might buy me something to fit around my finger that I kept telling you no don't do that? Because I knew in my heart that after you kept telling me I think you need to get off the truck to spend some time with a friend or something that you were close to being over. When you told me that you would be back after two weeks when you dropped me off at my father's I knew you weren't coming back...it was a way to distance yourself from me...and that's ok, I've dealt with that. Nothing, however, can compare to what you did to me in this last week. I had moved out cause I couldn't deal with you getting annoyed or even a little irritated with me for little things...things that could be taken care of in a matter of five minutes or even deal with the thought that I loved you and you were with this other woman making love to her, telling her how pretty she was, etc while all along that is what I wanted. I wasn‘t being pissy when I turned up the radio in the kitchen when she came in that morning…I didn‘t want to hear the sounds coming from the bedroom…my heart couldn‘t take it…..I couldn't do it. Then after sending you that letter and you calling telling me you want me back. I was excited I had my hopes up. I wanted to come back. I should have known that something was wrong when you didn't even want to kiss me when you showed up at the laundry mat but I didn't. I should have known that when you didn’t even get out of the car to help your 62 yr old mother and your pregnant girlfriend load the laundry in the car after being exhausted from cleaning a rat infested, bug infested drug frap house in a matter of three days that something was wrong. Then not even a day later, you didn’t want to be with me. You didn’t feel romantically attracted to me. You didn’t want to kiss me, hug me, anything. (Why ask me to move back in then?) That is what finally did it for me. I can't do it anymore Joe...I just can't. Stressing out isn't healthy for me and isn't healthy for my baby.
IF by chance of God it is your baby...which it most likely 9 times out of 10 isn't...I won't keep you from your child. I don't want to take any money from you because you are barely living off of what little of your pension you get each month. I know if it is your child and I decided not to make you financially obligated I know that you would be there for maybe a while to play the proud father but most likely you will be gone chasing another girl...or as I like to see them (even myself) the flavor of the month. I am not saying you are a bad father because you are a wonderful father to Jackie as I am sure you would have been to Hunter if given the chance. If you want to do a DNA test then that's fine...I can deal with that...but it's not necessary because I am going to do whatever I can to make my baby's and my life happy regardless of who it's father is...at this point I don't care. I honestly and truly don't care. If it is that's great if not that's great too. If it is...I will let you be active in the child's life...I'm NOT Trish I won't keep you from your child no matter how I get treated...but I give you this warning just as I gave Wil... (For the protection of myself and the protection of my child if it is your child...I AM NOT SAYING IT IS SO DON'T START THAT) If you screw up just once with him/her...like making a promise you can't keep. Saying you will be there when you won't etc.... you will regret it for the rest of your life because that's it...you get one chance and that's it. You can fight me on it or do what you will but I will not have a debauched father for my child...I had one and refuse to have the same....THAT IS IF once again I AM NOT SAYING THE BABY IS YOURS!!!!
I do love you Joe with all my heart and I am still in love with you but I can't hurt anymore...I'm tired of hurting and I am tired of crying....I can't do it anymore. I just can't..... I only wish you would figure out what it is you are looking for and I hope some day that you find it...
For now this is my goodbye. Maybe someday we will meet again...maybe not...it's only up to God on how our lives go. Have a wonderful life and be safe. Take care of yourself and stop worrying about how to take care of everyone else because you can‘t…you just can‘t. Do what makes you happy but be careful. Think wisely and make smart choices.
Love with everything,
Mandi
That is the final goodbye I wrote to Joe...I moved out again on Friday. I am staying in a church with his mother whom has helped me more than anyone else could ever know. A good christian woman whom seems to like me. She even told me tonight after I read this letter to her that Joe would have been blessed to have me and to even have children with me. I agree but I can't do it anymore. I am tired of hurting...I'm tired of crying...I'm done...time to move on and better myself for me and my baby...(by which by the way if it is a Girl I am naming Ollie Nevaeh!! you are welcome !!!) I love him and am in love with him but I can't do this anymore.
Well guys I am going to live in a shelter but if I can I will update and let you know on my condition, how the baby is doing, etc. I love you who have been there for me and I thank you for everything and every encouragement you have given me. Bless you all.
Mandi
There are some things I do regret and one of them is you choosing to sleep with me the first night you picked me up in St. Pete. Why do you think I kept saying I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen and why at first I was so hesitant about doing anything with you? I was weak and my feelings for you were surfacing and I didn't want them to. I cried myself to sleep so many nights after moving in with you because I was hurting inside. I wanted you to hold me, to kiss me, to tell me you loved me but knew it wouldn't happen because I was a closed door and a never again. I tore the house into pieces when you left to go pick up Kelly to see her. That's why when you called I said give me a few minutes because the living room is a mess. I had torn it into pieces out of anger and pain. That's why I kept myself busy whenever she came to see you or stay the night because I didn't want to deal with the feelings...I didn't want to have them. So I did everything I could to keep them hidden from you and to keep denying to myself that they weren't true. I regret not telling you from the get go but I don't know why I didn't.
I remember the conversation we had clearly on that Friday night Joe. I remember everything, I remember you telling your mother that you broke up with Kelly after she told you I was there with her. I didn't want to talk to you then because after the letter I had written I wanted to be done...but part of me didn't want it to be over. When I talked to you after your mother had left the room you wanted me back...you had even gone as far to tell me that if you had known that from the beginning that you wouldn't have been looking for anyone else. I had even asked you but I thought once you closed the door it was over and you said most of the time that is true. YOU had asked me...if I wanted to come back to have a place to live or to come back to be with you as a couple. I told you I wanted to come back for us to be together...I answered honestly and I don't regret answering that way. YOU had even said that I would have some problems to work on and I told you I am willing to work on mine as long as you work on yours and that I wasn't giving up contact with my mother even if it was just email. You were ok with that. YOU had even said that if you had known that I wanted you to be my man that you wouldn't have sent me out looking for a job, a place to stay, etc. and that now I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor in the living room. WHY did you LIE to me Joe? You CAN'T blame the meds you were on for what you had said.....NO EXCUSE...think about it...you wrote the book on it so to speak...www.personalresponsibility.biz . Sound familiar? It should.
I have treated you like a bad guy because what you have done to me emotionally is way inexcusable. I am hurting and I am tired of it. I don't understand how you can do that to someone. I am not the type of person to sleep around with everyone...like I told you there were only two people after you...whom I didn't even loved...I cared but I didn't love them...I was still in love with you. I gave you my heart Joe, the one thing I kept safe away from everyone including my family. You know that when I first met you I was hesitant at first to even open up to you but eventually I did. I poured my heart, my soul, my whole being into that relationship. I gave up my family, my friends, my whole life for you because I loved you. I moved in with you rather quickly and we moved rather quickly in our relationship. Why do you think when you told me that if you couldn’t send me to NY for Christmas that you might buy me something to fit around my finger that I kept telling you no don't do that? Because I knew in my heart that after you kept telling me I think you need to get off the truck to spend some time with a friend or something that you were close to being over. When you told me that you would be back after two weeks when you dropped me off at my father's I knew you weren't coming back...it was a way to distance yourself from me...and that's ok, I've dealt with that. Nothing, however, can compare to what you did to me in this last week. I had moved out cause I couldn't deal with you getting annoyed or even a little irritated with me for little things...things that could be taken care of in a matter of five minutes or even deal with the thought that I loved you and you were with this other woman making love to her, telling her how pretty she was, etc while all along that is what I wanted. I wasn‘t being pissy when I turned up the radio in the kitchen when she came in that morning…I didn‘t want to hear the sounds coming from the bedroom…my heart couldn‘t take it…..I couldn't do it. Then after sending you that letter and you calling telling me you want me back. I was excited I had my hopes up. I wanted to come back. I should have known that something was wrong when you didn't even want to kiss me when you showed up at the laundry mat but I didn't. I should have known that when you didn’t even get out of the car to help your 62 yr old mother and your pregnant girlfriend load the laundry in the car after being exhausted from cleaning a rat infested, bug infested drug frap house in a matter of three days that something was wrong. Then not even a day later, you didn’t want to be with me. You didn’t feel romantically attracted to me. You didn’t want to kiss me, hug me, anything. (Why ask me to move back in then?) That is what finally did it for me. I can't do it anymore Joe...I just can't. Stressing out isn't healthy for me and isn't healthy for my baby.
IF by chance of God it is your baby...which it most likely 9 times out of 10 isn't...I won't keep you from your child. I don't want to take any money from you because you are barely living off of what little of your pension you get each month. I know if it is your child and I decided not to make you financially obligated I know that you would be there for maybe a while to play the proud father but most likely you will be gone chasing another girl...or as I like to see them (even myself) the flavor of the month. I am not saying you are a bad father because you are a wonderful father to Jackie as I am sure you would have been to Hunter if given the chance. If you want to do a DNA test then that's fine...I can deal with that...but it's not necessary because I am going to do whatever I can to make my baby's and my life happy regardless of who it's father is...at this point I don't care. I honestly and truly don't care. If it is that's great if not that's great too. If it is...I will let you be active in the child's life...I'm NOT Trish I won't keep you from your child no matter how I get treated...but I give you this warning just as I gave Wil... (For the protection of myself and the protection of my child if it is your child...I AM NOT SAYING IT IS SO DON'T START THAT) If you screw up just once with him/her...like making a promise you can't keep. Saying you will be there when you won't etc.... you will regret it for the rest of your life because that's it...you get one chance and that's it. You can fight me on it or do what you will but I will not have a debauched father for my child...I had one and refuse to have the same....THAT IS IF once again I AM NOT SAYING THE BABY IS YOURS!!!!
I do love you Joe with all my heart and I am still in love with you but I can't hurt anymore...I'm tired of hurting and I am tired of crying....I can't do it anymore. I just can't..... I only wish you would figure out what it is you are looking for and I hope some day that you find it...
For now this is my goodbye. Maybe someday we will meet again...maybe not...it's only up to God on how our lives go. Have a wonderful life and be safe. Take care of yourself and stop worrying about how to take care of everyone else because you can‘t…you just can‘t. Do what makes you happy but be careful. Think wisely and make smart choices.
Love with everything,
Mandi
That is the final goodbye I wrote to Joe...I moved out again on Friday. I am staying in a church with his mother whom has helped me more than anyone else could ever know. A good christian woman whom seems to like me. She even told me tonight after I read this letter to her that Joe would have been blessed to have me and to even have children with me. I agree but I can't do it anymore. I am tired of hurting...I'm tired of crying...I'm done...time to move on and better myself for me and my baby...(by which by the way if it is a Girl I am naming Ollie Nevaeh!! you are welcome !!!) I love him and am in love with him but I can't do this anymore.
Well guys I am going to live in a shelter but if I can I will update and let you know on my condition, how the baby is doing, etc. I love you who have been there for me and I thank you for everything and every encouragement you have given me. Bless you all.
Mandi