(Untitled)

Apr 29, 2005 23:36

Well I've been having a rather interesting time these last dew days. Let's see what I can remember ( Read more... )

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moonsmirror02 May 1 2005, 16:35:18 UTC
No offense, the story's a little convoluted. When you say "And you'd think after having been through this for times I would have learned to avoid it", it makes it sound like you've only died four times. Then you say you've died twelve. You would be better off saying "And you'd think I'd have learned to avoid it after the fourth time. This last time makes number 12." Or something along those lines. And "Well, how old do you think I am anyway" is just kind of awkward. Try "And how old am I, do you think? Take a guess." Etc. overall, it's just kind of confusing. Let me know, and we can get together this week and I can help you with it if you'd like. I mean, I know you have a bunch of offers, but it would be great if we could sit down and you could tell me what you're trying to say. From what you have so far, it's hard to tell. let me know, ok? <3

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story anonymous May 5 2005, 10:36:16 UTC
yea, the story's kinda confusing... plus, it seems very Bill Murray in Harold Ramis's Groundhog Day.

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