Dreamer [SiChul]
Title: Dreamer
Prompt: #095. Drowning
Pairing: SiChul, past!HeeChulx??(you'll know later)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: *sigh* i'd like to own them...but i can't...so no, i don't own the people, only the plot
Summary: A dreamer doesn't always have to be someone who dreams of hope and his better futur because this dreamer is drowning in his past memories.
notes: not beta-ed and now im too lazy to read through it once more, ill do that later. but there are many typos and many more mistakes probably. but enjoy and please can u comment? id really like it.
~I'm standing here, looking far away to the horizon. Someone is shouting my name. I see him running towards me and embracing me. My heart is beating again. "I'm sorry," he whispers to me. I don't mind. For me, everything is now like it was before. This warmth I missed so much is back. His strong arms are tightly around my back and I snuggle up to him. I missed him so much. Finally he's back.~
My alarm clock started to ring and I woke up in confusion. I looked around. I was in my room. It was morning, the sun was rising. I sighed and stood up. Again it had been only a dream. I took a shower and went to school, as always without breakfast. I didn't feel like eating in the early morning. The only thing I want is to go back to sleep and to dream once more.
I arrived at the school and took my seat on the right. As usually nobody paid attention to me. I didn't care because I didn't need it. I only feel their eyes stare at me. Just let them, I thought and ignored everyone.
The teacher came and started class but I went off to dreamland. Or at least I tried to.
"Kim HeeChul, don't sleep in class!" he yelled at me. I sighed. As much as I wanted to dream again, I let my eyes stay open, although I didn't listen to the teacher's talk.
***
~"Believe me, I'll come back soon," he tells me with a warm smile. I nod slowly but am not sure about that. "Just believe me. I'm really sorry," he whispers and embraces me lovingly. "Okay, I trust you," I say eventually. He caresses my cheek for the last time before he disappears. "I promise," his voice says and I smile relieved.~
I woke up, a smile on my lips. It was just a dream, it didn't even happen in reality like all my other dreams, that's just what my heart wished for. I hated to wake up. But I had this feeling. Today was special. It'll be a great day. He'll come back. I could feel it. I knew it. He really will come back today.
With an excited smile I went to school. I was sitting in class, watching the teacher talk. I didn't listen but I didn't want to sleep as usually. Today I wanted to be awake, so I won't miss him when he'll come. I didn't want to dream anymore. Not when the reality will be so much better soon.
The day passed. I waited patiently for him.
The sun went down. Although it was already evening, I didn't lose my hope. He'll come, I was sure. So I sat down on the couch, making myself comfortable and continued to wait.
***
~"Thanks for everything. I really want you to know how thankful I am for this experience," he tells me with a smile. A different smile from usually. "Do you-? You want..?" I don't dare to say this question out loud. I'm too afraid of the answer but he knows already what I want to ask, so he smiles apologetically and I know I am right. Eventually he says: "It's not right anymore. You'll be better without me." It really sounds as if he means it honestly but I know he doesn't. I want to scream 'no', I want to stop him, but I can't. My feet won't move when he turns around and walks away.~
Suddenly I woke up. I suppressed my tears which threatened to flow down. I knew I fell asleep. I looked at my watch: 4am.
Why did my parents not wake me up to let me at least go to my own bedroom? I looked out of the window to the bright shining moon accompanied from stars in the dark.
Then I finally realized that it was 4am at night. It was a new day. I realized that he wasn't coming back. At least not yesterday but maybe another day. I just couldn't stop hoping and believing. I was still sure, he'll come back someday. So I smiled. Although I felt like crying, I wanted to show him a smile when he'd come back. So I smiled until then.
***
"He'll come back. He'll come back. He'll come back. I know he will. I know it," I murmured to myself quietly over and over again at lunchtime in school. I sat there alone as usually and ate my sandwich while thinking of him. I missed him so much and he really hurt me with this sudden goodbye but I'll be stong. I hope and believe in him. In us. And in our love. I forgave him already for hurting me.
"Hey, ehm, can I sit here?" a voice asked all of a sudden and I looked up in confusion, seeing a tall boy with black hair. I observed him carefully. I've never seen him before on this school. Who the hell was he? Nonetheless I nodded although I wasn't interested to know more about this person. I didn't want to make friends. I didn't need them.
"You're in my class, right?" He spoke again and I looked at him in surprise. I raised an eyebrow. "No?" At least I knew the faces of my class mates and he surely didn't belong to them.
"But I'm sure. You sit on the right, don't you?"
"Ehm...uh...yes? ...but?" I stuttered helpessly.
"Oh, probably you don't remember me. I'm new here. Yesterday was my first day here at this school," he explained.
That must be the reason but why can't I at least remeber his face?
"Don't worry, it's okay if you can't remember me," he said smiling kindly. Can he read my mind? Or do I really look that clueless?
"So what's your name?" he asked me, a friendly smile still there for the whole time.
"HeeChul. You?"
"I'm SiWon. Choi SiWon. Nice to meet you."
I nodded simply. So he was SiWon. Actually I didn't really care. I didn't want to be here. But of course I was forced to go to school.
***
~He stands in front of me. He smiles encouraging and takes my hand in his own. He come one step closer to me. My heart skips a few beats. I shut my eyes when he finally kisses me gently. "I love you," he whispers afterwards and I smile happily. "I love you, too," I tell him.~
My head shot up when someone shook my shoulder at lunch time the next day.
"Where you sleeping?" SiWon asked me smiling at always.
"No, just thinking," I replied with a big smile when I remembered what I thought about.
"Oh, okay. Why are you always sitting here on your own?"
I shrugged.
"Why don't you go to some of your class mates?"
"I don't want to. I'm not interested to make friends."
SiWon looked at me as if I've gone insane.
"But everyone needs friends," he protested.
"Do I look like I need someone?" I asked coldly.
"Yes," he replied and I glared at him in shock.
"No!"
"I still think that you really need someone because you look weak," he explained with his charming smile.
"What?" How could he say anything like that to me? "You don't even know me propaly."
"Yes, but I'd like to get to know you better."
"I'm sorry, but I would not like to," I said and went back to stare out of a window. SiWon didn't say anything anyore.
***
~I'm sitting on a chair. He sits on the other side of the small table. He prepared everything for dinner. We laugh so much while we eat. He feeds me lovingly. I really enjoy this. He takes my left hand and caresses my cheek gently.~
Again, my alarm clock brought me back to reality. I sighed almost frustrated. I wanted to go back to sleep rather than live this life anymore. I wanted to dream this dream forever and never wake up again but here I was. And I couldn't go back to sleep. I had to get ready for school. I still thought of him. I wished I could go back to the happy memories of us.
***
~I'm staring at the stairs in the school. There he stands, talking to some friends of his. He smiles. I watch him carefully. Suddenly he looks at me and my heart races. His eyes meet mine and his smile grows bigger along with my shy smile.~
"Are you dreaming again?" SiWon asked me, bringing me back to earth in shock and confusion. "Damn, SiWon, you scared me. Why are you even here? Why don't you let me be alone?"
"Because you need someone. I'm here if you want to talk," he said, smiling his typical smile.
"Fuck, SiWon! No, I don't need anyone. I don't even know you properly. As if I would talk to you about my life. I don't talk about me with anybody. And not for one single moment with you. Understood?" I said harsh. I know I had a cold heart. But my real heart, my heart with all my love, was taken away some years ago by him when I met him for the first time. He never gave it back.
After I said that, it was the first time that I saw his smile fade away. He looked sad to the ground.
"I'm sorry, HeeChul. I really thought you were lonely but I guess I was the one who was lonely. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll stop now. I'm sorry." He bowed, stood up and left me alone.
***
~I run to him. Tears fall down my cheeks and I throw my arms around his back neck. He embraces me tightly and tells me not to cry. But I can't stop. He brushes through my hair and rubs my back softly to calm me down. He is the only person who can always calm me down this fast. "Don't leave me. Never leave me," I say to him and he nods.~
I woke up from my sleep. As always I was dreaming of him. I remembered my dream and wondered if he already knew back then that he would leave me. I couldn't think of an answer.
I stared at the ceiling and wished I could be dreaming again. I wanted to have him back. I missed him like crazy. I wished he could be there with me. I wished he could lay next to me, holding me in his strong arms. I wished he would come back.
I looked at the clock. It was in the middle of the night. I felt so tired and I knew I would fall asleep soon to dream of him once again.
***
~I'm standing here, watching him. He goes away. He runs to another woman, embracing her tightly just like he used to embrace me. He's smiling so happily and I feel my heart tear apart. I can't take my eyes off of the embrace as tears fall down.~
"Kid, haven't you heard your alarm clock?" My mother suddenly woke me up. Today was school as always. I hated to go but my mum wouldn't let me stay at home. I wiped away that cold sweat that had formed on my forehead while I was dreaming. My heart aches at the painful memories. I got dizzy. I still loved him too much to bear.
***
~He caresses her cheek gently. He holds her hands in his. She feels the same warmth that I feel. I hated that feeling. I hated to see them together. Still he'll come to me later to hug me and kiss me as he used to when it was only me.~
"HeeChul?" SiWon's voice took me out of my memory. He looked down at me with a serious expression.
"Hm?"
"Are you still mad at me?" he asked carefully and I shook my head. "No," I replied silently. I didn't feel like talking right now.
"I just wanted to say if you need any help, if you have problems you want to talk about, come to me." With that he left me sitting alone at lunch time as usually although it felt different this time when SiWon walked away.
***
~I press my trembling body to his and he held me tightly. I wonder if he still feels the same. If he still loves me. As if he wants to answer my unspoken question he embraces me with a short kiss on my lips. I forget everything else and smile. I want to thank him because he is the one person I love the most.~
Although I woke up with a smile on my face I wanted to dream again like I wanted after most of my dreams. Dreams are my reality. This real reality is nothing for me. There is nothing for me to be happy about anymore.
I sighed. He will come back to me. He definitely will. I knew that for sure.
***
~I see myself hugging him once more. But suddenly he disappears. He just goes away as if he hadn't hugged me a few seconds ago. I watch him walking further away. And I know it's not only a distance like this that grows but also the distance between our hearts. I don't want to lose him. Even if I already have, I only want him to come back. But slowly he fades away and I start crying.~
I startled. Suddenly I was back in the reality. This reality I didn't want without him anymore. I felt weak. I couldn't even do anything to stop him from leaving. I felt so useless. I couldn't do anything at all anymore. I only could think of him, love him, miss him like crazy.
That was when I decided to go to SiWon.
"SiWon, I'm sorry for what I've said last time. I'm really sorry. And now...I-I wondered if-" I stuttered nervously and fortunately he finished my question.
"You want to talk?" he asked hopefully and I nodded.
SiWon smiled encouraging and I began: "What would you do when you notice that you live more in dreams than the reality?"
SiWon observed me carefully but shrugged apologetically.
"I feel like I move further away from reality with every passing day. I feel this pain increase day by day," I admitted quietly. For me, it was hard to talk about this.
"So when you are dreaming, you dream of this person?"
I looked down in shame but nodded.
"And this person...?"
"He broke up with me," I said silently, barely audible for him. I immediately added. "But I know, he'll come back."
"Why? Have this person told you to wait?" SiWon asked confused.
"No, but I just know it." I couldn't explain it better. I looked at SiWon expectantly. He watched me and eventually hugged me.
"I'm sorry, but I don't think so. This person won't come back," SiWon told me slowly.
I glared at him and thought about his words. Maybe he was right. Could it be that he won't come back after all? I didn't want to think about that but suddenly I spoke out a question I never thought of before. "How can I forget?"
But SiWon gave me just an answer without much sense. "I don't think you can forget this kind of important memories, HeeChul." It confused me. What should I do then? I thought I had to forget to move on.
***
~I stand here again. I look around until I find him. The person I love so much. It seemes as if he is running to me. But then he stops because there was this woman once again. He takes her hands and steps closer. Their lips eventually meet. I stare at them in shock. The kiss is hot and passionated. I can even tell from here a few meters away. I know it isn't the first time they kiss like that. My chest feels heavy from too much pain. I want him back. I force myself to turn around and go and my tears starts to fall down.~
I woke up. My pillow was wet from my tears. I sat up and looked around in confusion. I realized I was in my room. I cried again. Those memories hurt so much. So why do I even have to dream them and live this painful moments once more?
I cried harder. My dreams were supposed to be happy. Why did I have to dream this now? If it could be at least only a dream and not a memory as well.
I wanted to forget him if he wouldn't come back. I wanted to erase the memories I wanted to be free again. But my heart couldn't let him go. Everyday, every second, it remembered me of him too fast to give me a chance to forget. It was hopeless. I still cried. I missed his handsome face. I missed his beautiful voice. I missed his meaningful eyes. I missed everything of him too much that it wasn't healthy anymore. Mornings like this were too often.
***
~He's smiling. I miss that smile and I'm happy to see it once more.~
At least in my dreams.
"Why are you smiling?"
I snapped out of my daydream.
"Did...did this person come back?" SiWon asked me uneasily.
Why did he call him 'this person', I wondered. "N-no,"
"Oh, good," he breathed out in relief and I raised my eyebrows. "How could that be good?"
"Uh, ehm, I don't want this aweful person to come back to you," he explained calmly as if it was completly obviously.
I glared at him in anger. "Why not?"
"Because this awful person had hurt you too much already. This person doesn't deserve you. You deserve better," he declared smiling as always.
I didn't reply because I didn't know what I should say.
"Better? Like who?" I eventually asked sceptically. Seriously, who could be better for me than him?
"I don't know. I didn't thought about it yet," SiWon said with a shrug. "Who would you choose if not this person?"
I laughed. "Well, why not you? You seem to be really nice. And you are the only one who can deal with me. Or at least you sit here with me, so that I'm not alone."
He watched me sceptically and blushed.
"Why are you blushing, SiWon?" I laughed even more. "You were the one who asked me!"
He didn't reply. I could tell he felt uncomfortable.
"You know it's just IF I had to choose. But you know better that I won't and can't choose," I told him with a sad smile. Again, the memories of him came back. Once more I felt a mix of happiness, when I thought of him, how perfect he was, and sadness. I sighed depressed. I was drifting away to my daydreamland again.
"Don't dream of him," SiWon suddenly said and I was back to reality immediately.
SiWon looked kind of upset at me. "Don't dream of him," he repeated. "Don't dream of him anymore."
He eyed me carefully and I sighed defeated. "I really do miss him," I admitted silently all of a sudden. Lost in my thoughts. In my memories. In my dreams.
***
~He holds me tight to his own body and spins me around himself. I lose the ground under my feet but I trust him. I feel like flying. Safe in his arms. We laugh so content.~
"HeeChul? Hello?"
I snapped out of my daydream when SiWon called me. "Huh?"
"You were spacing out again," SiWon stated with a sigh.
"Oh, sorry."
"So let's go to your home now."
"Alright, so...wait what?" I asked confused.
SiWon suppressed the urge to facepalm. "Well, you actually agreed that I come with you afrer school," SiWon said.
"Oh...," I manage to say slowly. I really couldn't remember when he had asked me. Nonetheless I said smiling. "Yes, I remember. Then, ehm, c'mon, let's go."
SiWon raised his eyebrows. I guessed he didn't believe me.
We reached my home. My parents were out for work. We took off our shoes and headed to the kitchen to cook something.
"Show me your bedroom," SiWon suggested afterwards excited.
"I think we shouldn't go there."
"Why? Just show me," SiWon said cheerfully. The conversation went on for a few minutes before he could convince me, so I led him to my room. He went in and looked around surprised. I looked embarrassed to the ground. My room wasn't a perfect room. Only the most needed things were there like bed, desk, small table, chair and something like that.
"Kind of lonely," SiWon stated eventually.
"No, no," I shook my head. "I wanted it like this. I like it."
Then SiWon noticed two photos on the small table next to my bed. He looked at them with curiosity. I felt a bit uncomfortable.
"Who's that?" SiWon asked and held the bigger one up. I lifted up my head. On the photo was a handsome boy with short black hair. He smiled happily.
I sighed. "That's him...," I admitted quietly, looking away quickly in shame that I still have this photo of him.
"What's the name of...this person?" SiWon asked eventually.
I hesitated before I finally said. "His name is...YeSung."
"YeSung...," SiWon repeated silently. I looked at him expectantly. "I don't like him."
"I know, but he's really kind and sweet and strong and-" I started with a smile when I remembered how awesome he was and how much I loved him.
"Yeah, you can stop now. I still don't like him. He doesn't deserve someone as kind and friendly as you."
I didn't reply.
"And that are you...and that awful person?" He pointed at the second photo.
There were two persons. YeSung hugged me from behind. We both were smiling happily and on my face grew a smile as well from the memories of the past.
Two hours had passed. We had learned the whole time on my bed until SiWon announced that he had to go home. I said goodbye, he waved and left my room. I didn't accompanied him to the front door, I just stood up and stared at my photos. I was drowning in my memories again and took the photo frame with the photo of both of us in my hand.
~"Take a photo of us!" he tells our friend and hugs me from behind. We both smiled, overwhelmed with happiness when our friend takes photos. I looked at his eyes. He kissed me softly and I lean in more to his touches. "Let's be forever," he says.~
I smiled. I was so happy. ~"Let's be forever," he says.~
My smile faded away. Forever. I hated that word. It wasn't real. It wasn't true. There didn't exist a word like 'forever'.
I missed him again too much to bear that pain. I started crying. My body was trembling. I sobbed his name silently. My hand was shaking uncontrolable. I couldn't hold the photo anymore. It dropped to the ground where the frame broke and the glass shattered.
I fell on my knees and buried my face in my hands. Pictures of him where flying through my mind. But I could control myself again quickly and calmed down. I only sobbed quietly and got lost in a daydream of my memories like so often before.
~The woman runs to him. I see them kiss and my heart breaks again as well. I ask myself how he could have a new love that faster after our break up.~
My tears came back and silently made their way down my cheeks.
~"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but don't cry," he says to me so easily. I wonder if he means it.~
A hand rubbed over my back and I startled. When I turned around I saw SiWon. I wondered what he was doing here still. Probably he just forgot something and noticed it before he really had left the house. I cried even more. Although I wanted to stop my tears, but my body was trembling violently.
He embraced me. He whispered some words in my ear but I couldn't understand them. "Please stop crying," he said to me and I really tried. Without success.
He stroke through my hair and all of a sudden he kissed my forehead softly. Almost immediately I stopped crying and looked up to him with big red eyes.
"Calm down," SiWon only said. I didn't know what to say or how to react.
***
~"Will you come back?" I ask carefully. He only smiles. "Don't forget that I love you, alright?" he remembers me and I nod. "I'll love you forever," I tell him eventually and he presses his lips to mine. It is a sweet, gentle kiss I really enjoy. I feel the butterflies flying in my stormach. The kiss is slowly, but nonetheless so perfect. Really perfect.~
I swallowed. Tears were in my eyes again. Suddenly I thought of our farewell. Even when he said goodbye he was so kind-hearted. He was gentle and careful not to break my heart. But my broken heart couldn't be avoided. I start crying once more.
"If you could come back to me..." I sobbed silently.
"If you could come back only for one day..." I sat down on the floor in my bedroom.
"If I could see you once more..." I pulled my knees up to my chest.
"If you could hold me in your strong arms for one more time..." I rested my head on my knees.
"If you could give me one last kiss..." My breath was uneven due to my crying.
"If you could love me again..." I sighed.
"It'd be okay if it is only for one day. Someday maybe..."
Suddenly the door bell rang. I didn't want to get up but when it rang four more times I stood up and headed to the front door with shaking legs. I wiped away the tears before I opened.
"HeeChul." It was SiWon. He observed me carefully. "Did you cry?" he asked worried.
I only smiled, inhaling deeply to steady my breathing. SiWon immediately embraced me in his strong arms, comforting me.
"Please don't cry because of him anymore," he whispered and I nodded. He didn't have to see me for understanding. He felt the nod on his skin where my head was resting.
"Don't you think it's time to let go?" he asked me calm.
I sighed. "I don't think I' able to."
***
~My heart beats fast. He squeezes my hand. He laughed so sweetly and I can't help but laugh with him. I love to hear him this happy. "Come with me," he whispers and all of a sudden he begins to run over the grass. He pulls me with him. We run until one of us falls down, taking the other one with him. We got comfortable on the grass. I use his chest as a pillow and smile. He smiles brightly as well.~
I felt soft hands caress my cheek. There was something comfortable under my head. I opened my eyes slowly only to find SiWon staring at the wall, lost in his own thoughts. I smiled. Now I noticed that my head was resting on his lap. His fingers brushing through my hair gently. He didn't realize that I woke up.
I didn't thought twice. My hand reached for SiWon's back neck and pulled his face down, his mouth on my lips. I kissed him softly. The kiss was short and afterwards SiWon stared at me in shock and confusion. He wanted to say something but no words came out so I took the chance and spoke. "SiWon, you're right. I want to let go of him and move on. Can you help me with that?" I asked sweetly.
"Do you really want to?" he asked back eventually after a minute.
I nodded.
"Are you sure, you're able to?"
"Yes. I'll try. I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't say if I'll be able to, I don't know how it'll turn out, but can you try for me please?"
Now it was his turn to nod with a smile on his lips. "I'm proud of you, HeeChul. I trust you and I believe in you. You'll make it," he told me and we kissed once more.
Finally I felt ready for the next step. I knew I could never ever forget him, but I could love another person as well with my heart because that person was able to heal me. And suddenly I remembered, it was the day when I had this special feeling that he'd come back but indeed it was SiWon who moved here. He was sent from fate to rescue me.
Prompt: #095. Drowning
Pairing: SiChul, past!HeeChulx??(you'll know later)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: *sigh* i'd like to own them...but i can't...so no, i don't own the people, only the plot
Summary: A dreamer doesn't always have to be someone who dreams of hope and his better futur because this dreamer is drowning in his past memories.
notes: not beta-ed and now im too lazy to read through it once more, ill do that later. but there are many typos and many more mistakes probably. but enjoy and please can u comment? id really like it.
~I'm standing here, looking far away to the horizon. Someone is shouting my name. I see him running towards me and embracing me. My heart is beating again. "I'm sorry," he whispers to me. I don't mind. For me, everything is now like it was before. This warmth I missed so much is back. His strong arms are tightly around my back and I snuggle up to him. I missed him so much. Finally he's back.~
My alarm clock started to ring and I woke up in confusion. I looked around. I was in my room. It was morning, the sun was rising. I sighed and stood up. Again it had been only a dream. I took a shower and went to school, as always without breakfast. I didn't feel like eating in the early morning. The only thing I want is to go back to sleep and to dream once more.
I arrived at the school and took my seat on the right. As usually nobody paid attention to me. I didn't care because I didn't need it. I only feel their eyes stare at me. Just let them, I thought and ignored everyone.
The teacher came and started class but I went off to dreamland. Or at least I tried to.
"Kim HeeChul, don't sleep in class!" he yelled at me. I sighed. As much as I wanted to dream again, I let my eyes stay open, although I didn't listen to the teacher's talk.
***
~"Believe me, I'll come back soon," he tells me with a warm smile. I nod slowly but am not sure about that. "Just believe me. I'm really sorry," he whispers and embraces me lovingly. "Okay, I trust you," I say eventually. He caresses my cheek for the last time before he disappears. "I promise," his voice says and I smile relieved.~
I woke up, a smile on my lips. It was just a dream, it didn't even happen in reality like all my other dreams, that's just what my heart wished for. I hated to wake up. But I had this feeling. Today was special. It'll be a great day. He'll come back. I could feel it. I knew it. He really will come back today.
With an excited smile I went to school. I was sitting in class, watching the teacher talk. I didn't listen but I didn't want to sleep as usually. Today I wanted to be awake, so I won't miss him when he'll come. I didn't want to dream anymore. Not when the reality will be so much better soon.
The day passed. I waited patiently for him.
The sun went down. Although it was already evening, I didn't lose my hope. He'll come, I was sure. So I sat down on the couch, making myself comfortable and continued to wait.
***
~"Thanks for everything. I really want you to know how thankful I am for this experience," he tells me with a smile. A different smile from usually. "Do you-? You want..?" I don't dare to say this question out loud. I'm too afraid of the answer but he knows already what I want to ask, so he smiles apologetically and I know I am right. Eventually he says: "It's not right anymore. You'll be better without me." It really sounds as if he means it honestly but I know he doesn't. I want to scream 'no', I want to stop him, but I can't. My feet won't move when he turns around and walks away.~
Suddenly I woke up. I suppressed my tears which threatened to flow down. I knew I fell asleep. I looked at my watch: 4am.
Why did my parents not wake me up to let me at least go to my own bedroom? I looked out of the window to the bright shining moon accompanied from stars in the dark.
Then I finally realized that it was 4am at night. It was a new day. I realized that he wasn't coming back. At least not yesterday but maybe another day. I just couldn't stop hoping and believing. I was still sure, he'll come back someday. So I smiled. Although I felt like crying, I wanted to show him a smile when he'd come back. So I smiled until then.
***
"He'll come back. He'll come back. He'll come back. I know he will. I know it," I murmured to myself quietly over and over again at lunchtime in school. I sat there alone as usually and ate my sandwich while thinking of him. I missed him so much and he really hurt me with this sudden goodbye but I'll be stong. I hope and believe in him. In us. And in our love. I forgave him already for hurting me.
"Hey, ehm, can I sit here?" a voice asked all of a sudden and I looked up in confusion, seeing a tall boy with black hair. I observed him carefully. I've never seen him before on this school. Who the hell was he? Nonetheless I nodded although I wasn't interested to know more about this person. I didn't want to make friends. I didn't need them.
"You're in my class, right?" He spoke again and I looked at him in surprise. I raised an eyebrow. "No?" At least I knew the faces of my class mates and he surely didn't belong to them.
"But I'm sure. You sit on the right, don't you?"
"Ehm...uh...yes? ...but?" I stuttered helpessly.
"Oh, probably you don't remember me. I'm new here. Yesterday was my first day here at this school," he explained.
That must be the reason but why can't I at least remeber his face?
"Don't worry, it's okay if you can't remember me," he said smiling kindly. Can he read my mind? Or do I really look that clueless?
"So what's your name?" he asked me, a friendly smile still there for the whole time.
"HeeChul. You?"
"I'm SiWon. Choi SiWon. Nice to meet you."
I nodded simply. So he was SiWon. Actually I didn't really care. I didn't want to be here. But of course I was forced to go to school.
***
~He stands in front of me. He smiles encouraging and takes my hand in his own. He come one step closer to me. My heart skips a few beats. I shut my eyes when he finally kisses me gently. "I love you," he whispers afterwards and I smile happily. "I love you, too," I tell him.~
My head shot up when someone shook my shoulder at lunch time the next day.
"Where you sleeping?" SiWon asked me smiling at always.
"No, just thinking," I replied with a big smile when I remembered what I thought about.
"Oh, okay. Why are you always sitting here on your own?"
I shrugged.
"Why don't you go to some of your class mates?"
"I don't want to. I'm not interested to make friends."
SiWon looked at me as if I've gone insane.
"But everyone needs friends," he protested.
"Do I look like I need someone?" I asked coldly.
"Yes," he replied and I glared at him in shock.
"No!"
"I still think that you really need someone because you look weak," he explained with his charming smile.
"What?" How could he say anything like that to me? "You don't even know me propaly."
"Yes, but I'd like to get to know you better."
"I'm sorry, but I would not like to," I said and went back to stare out of a window. SiWon didn't say anything anyore.
***
~I'm sitting on a chair. He sits on the other side of the small table. He prepared everything for dinner. We laugh so much while we eat. He feeds me lovingly. I really enjoy this. He takes my left hand and caresses my cheek gently.~
Again, my alarm clock brought me back to reality. I sighed almost frustrated. I wanted to go back to sleep rather than live this life anymore. I wanted to dream this dream forever and never wake up again but here I was. And I couldn't go back to sleep. I had to get ready for school. I still thought of him. I wished I could go back to the happy memories of us.
***
~I'm staring at the stairs in the school. There he stands, talking to some friends of his. He smiles. I watch him carefully. Suddenly he looks at me and my heart races. His eyes meet mine and his smile grows bigger along with my shy smile.~
"Are you dreaming again?" SiWon asked me, bringing me back to earth in shock and confusion. "Damn, SiWon, you scared me. Why are you even here? Why don't you let me be alone?"
"Because you need someone. I'm here if you want to talk," he said, smiling his typical smile.
"Fuck, SiWon! No, I don't need anyone. I don't even know you properly. As if I would talk to you about my life. I don't talk about me with anybody. And not for one single moment with you. Understood?" I said harsh. I know I had a cold heart. But my real heart, my heart with all my love, was taken away some years ago by him when I met him for the first time. He never gave it back.
After I said that, it was the first time that I saw his smile fade away. He looked sad to the ground.
"I'm sorry, HeeChul. I really thought you were lonely but I guess I was the one who was lonely. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll stop now. I'm sorry." He bowed, stood up and left me alone.
***
~I run to him. Tears fall down my cheeks and I throw my arms around his back neck. He embraces me tightly and tells me not to cry. But I can't stop. He brushes through my hair and rubs my back softly to calm me down. He is the only person who can always calm me down this fast. "Don't leave me. Never leave me," I say to him and he nods.~
I woke up from my sleep. As always I was dreaming of him. I remembered my dream and wondered if he already knew back then that he would leave me. I couldn't think of an answer.
I stared at the ceiling and wished I could be dreaming again. I wanted to have him back. I missed him like crazy. I wished he could be there with me. I wished he could lay next to me, holding me in his strong arms. I wished he would come back.
I looked at the clock. It was in the middle of the night. I felt so tired and I knew I would fall asleep soon to dream of him once again.
***
~I'm standing here, watching him. He goes away. He runs to another woman, embracing her tightly just like he used to embrace me. He's smiling so happily and I feel my heart tear apart. I can't take my eyes off of the embrace as tears fall down.~
"Kid, haven't you heard your alarm clock?" My mother suddenly woke me up. Today was school as always. I hated to go but my mum wouldn't let me stay at home. I wiped away that cold sweat that had formed on my forehead while I was dreaming. My heart aches at the painful memories. I got dizzy. I still loved him too much to bear.
***
~He caresses her cheek gently. He holds her hands in his. She feels the same warmth that I feel. I hated that feeling. I hated to see them together. Still he'll come to me later to hug me and kiss me as he used to when it was only me.~
"HeeChul?" SiWon's voice took me out of my memory. He looked down at me with a serious expression.
"Hm?"
"Are you still mad at me?" he asked carefully and I shook my head. "No," I replied silently. I didn't feel like talking right now.
"I just wanted to say if you need any help, if you have problems you want to talk about, come to me." With that he left me sitting alone at lunch time as usually although it felt different this time when SiWon walked away.
***
~I press my trembling body to his and he held me tightly. I wonder if he still feels the same. If he still loves me. As if he wants to answer my unspoken question he embraces me with a short kiss on my lips. I forget everything else and smile. I want to thank him because he is the one person I love the most.~
Although I woke up with a smile on my face I wanted to dream again like I wanted after most of my dreams. Dreams are my reality. This real reality is nothing for me. There is nothing for me to be happy about anymore.
I sighed. He will come back to me. He definitely will. I knew that for sure.
***
~I see myself hugging him once more. But suddenly he disappears. He just goes away as if he hadn't hugged me a few seconds ago. I watch him walking further away. And I know it's not only a distance like this that grows but also the distance between our hearts. I don't want to lose him. Even if I already have, I only want him to come back. But slowly he fades away and I start crying.~
I startled. Suddenly I was back in the reality. This reality I didn't want without him anymore. I felt weak. I couldn't even do anything to stop him from leaving. I felt so useless. I couldn't do anything at all anymore. I only could think of him, love him, miss him like crazy.
That was when I decided to go to SiWon.
"SiWon, I'm sorry for what I've said last time. I'm really sorry. And now...I-I wondered if-" I stuttered nervously and fortunately he finished my question.
"You want to talk?" he asked hopefully and I nodded.
SiWon smiled encouraging and I began: "What would you do when you notice that you live more in dreams than the reality?"
SiWon observed me carefully but shrugged apologetically.
"I feel like I move further away from reality with every passing day. I feel this pain increase day by day," I admitted quietly. For me, it was hard to talk about this.
"So when you are dreaming, you dream of this person?"
I looked down in shame but nodded.
"And this person...?"
"He broke up with me," I said silently, barely audible for him. I immediately added. "But I know, he'll come back."
"Why? Have this person told you to wait?" SiWon asked confused.
"No, but I just know it." I couldn't explain it better. I looked at SiWon expectantly. He watched me and eventually hugged me.
"I'm sorry, but I don't think so. This person won't come back," SiWon told me slowly.
I glared at him and thought about his words. Maybe he was right. Could it be that he won't come back after all? I didn't want to think about that but suddenly I spoke out a question I never thought of before. "How can I forget?"
But SiWon gave me just an answer without much sense. "I don't think you can forget this kind of important memories, HeeChul." It confused me. What should I do then? I thought I had to forget to move on.
***
~I stand here again. I look around until I find him. The person I love so much. It seemes as if he is running to me. But then he stops because there was this woman once again. He takes her hands and steps closer. Their lips eventually meet. I stare at them in shock. The kiss is hot and passionated. I can even tell from here a few meters away. I know it isn't the first time they kiss like that. My chest feels heavy from too much pain. I want him back. I force myself to turn around and go and my tears starts to fall down.~
I woke up. My pillow was wet from my tears. I sat up and looked around in confusion. I realized I was in my room. I cried again. Those memories hurt so much. So why do I even have to dream them and live this painful moments once more?
I cried harder. My dreams were supposed to be happy. Why did I have to dream this now? If it could be at least only a dream and not a memory as well.
I wanted to forget him if he wouldn't come back. I wanted to erase the memories I wanted to be free again. But my heart couldn't let him go. Everyday, every second, it remembered me of him too fast to give me a chance to forget. It was hopeless. I still cried. I missed his handsome face. I missed his beautiful voice. I missed his meaningful eyes. I missed everything of him too much that it wasn't healthy anymore. Mornings like this were too often.
***
~He's smiling. I miss that smile and I'm happy to see it once more.~
At least in my dreams.
"Why are you smiling?"
I snapped out of my daydream.
"Did...did this person come back?" SiWon asked me uneasily.
Why did he call him 'this person', I wondered. "N-no,"
"Oh, good," he breathed out in relief and I raised my eyebrows. "How could that be good?"
"Uh, ehm, I don't want this aweful person to come back to you," he explained calmly as if it was completly obviously.
I glared at him in anger. "Why not?"
"Because this awful person had hurt you too much already. This person doesn't deserve you. You deserve better," he declared smiling as always.
I didn't reply because I didn't know what I should say.
"Better? Like who?" I eventually asked sceptically. Seriously, who could be better for me than him?
"I don't know. I didn't thought about it yet," SiWon said with a shrug. "Who would you choose if not this person?"
I laughed. "Well, why not you? You seem to be really nice. And you are the only one who can deal with me. Or at least you sit here with me, so that I'm not alone."
He watched me sceptically and blushed.
"Why are you blushing, SiWon?" I laughed even more. "You were the one who asked me!"
He didn't reply. I could tell he felt uncomfortable.
"You know it's just IF I had to choose. But you know better that I won't and can't choose," I told him with a sad smile. Again, the memories of him came back. Once more I felt a mix of happiness, when I thought of him, how perfect he was, and sadness. I sighed depressed. I was drifting away to my daydreamland again.
"Don't dream of him," SiWon suddenly said and I was back to reality immediately.
SiWon looked kind of upset at me. "Don't dream of him," he repeated. "Don't dream of him anymore."
He eyed me carefully and I sighed defeated. "I really do miss him," I admitted silently all of a sudden. Lost in my thoughts. In my memories. In my dreams.
***
~He holds me tight to his own body and spins me around himself. I lose the ground under my feet but I trust him. I feel like flying. Safe in his arms. We laugh so content.~
"HeeChul? Hello?"
I snapped out of my daydream when SiWon called me. "Huh?"
"You were spacing out again," SiWon stated with a sigh.
"Oh, sorry."
"So let's go to your home now."
"Alright, so...wait what?" I asked confused.
SiWon suppressed the urge to facepalm. "Well, you actually agreed that I come with you afrer school," SiWon said.
"Oh...," I manage to say slowly. I really couldn't remember when he had asked me. Nonetheless I said smiling. "Yes, I remember. Then, ehm, c'mon, let's go."
SiWon raised his eyebrows. I guessed he didn't believe me.
We reached my home. My parents were out for work. We took off our shoes and headed to the kitchen to cook something.
"Show me your bedroom," SiWon suggested afterwards excited.
"I think we shouldn't go there."
"Why? Just show me," SiWon said cheerfully. The conversation went on for a few minutes before he could convince me, so I led him to my room. He went in and looked around surprised. I looked embarrassed to the ground. My room wasn't a perfect room. Only the most needed things were there like bed, desk, small table, chair and something like that.
"Kind of lonely," SiWon stated eventually.
"No, no," I shook my head. "I wanted it like this. I like it."
Then SiWon noticed two photos on the small table next to my bed. He looked at them with curiosity. I felt a bit uncomfortable.
"Who's that?" SiWon asked and held the bigger one up. I lifted up my head. On the photo was a handsome boy with short black hair. He smiled happily.
I sighed. "That's him...," I admitted quietly, looking away quickly in shame that I still have this photo of him.
"What's the name of...this person?" SiWon asked eventually.
I hesitated before I finally said. "His name is...YeSung."
"YeSung...," SiWon repeated silently. I looked at him expectantly. "I don't like him."
"I know, but he's really kind and sweet and strong and-" I started with a smile when I remembered how awesome he was and how much I loved him.
"Yeah, you can stop now. I still don't like him. He doesn't deserve someone as kind and friendly as you."
I didn't reply.
"And that are you...and that awful person?" He pointed at the second photo.
There were two persons. YeSung hugged me from behind. We both were smiling happily and on my face grew a smile as well from the memories of the past.
Two hours had passed. We had learned the whole time on my bed until SiWon announced that he had to go home. I said goodbye, he waved and left my room. I didn't accompanied him to the front door, I just stood up and stared at my photos. I was drowning in my memories again and took the photo frame with the photo of both of us in my hand.
~"Take a photo of us!" he tells our friend and hugs me from behind. We both smiled, overwhelmed with happiness when our friend takes photos. I looked at his eyes. He kissed me softly and I lean in more to his touches. "Let's be forever," he says.~
I smiled. I was so happy. ~"Let's be forever," he says.~
My smile faded away. Forever. I hated that word. It wasn't real. It wasn't true. There didn't exist a word like 'forever'.
I missed him again too much to bear that pain. I started crying. My body was trembling. I sobbed his name silently. My hand was shaking uncontrolable. I couldn't hold the photo anymore. It dropped to the ground where the frame broke and the glass shattered.
I fell on my knees and buried my face in my hands. Pictures of him where flying through my mind. But I could control myself again quickly and calmed down. I only sobbed quietly and got lost in a daydream of my memories like so often before.
~The woman runs to him. I see them kiss and my heart breaks again as well. I ask myself how he could have a new love that faster after our break up.~
My tears came back and silently made their way down my cheeks.
~"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but don't cry," he says to me so easily. I wonder if he means it.~
A hand rubbed over my back and I startled. When I turned around I saw SiWon. I wondered what he was doing here still. Probably he just forgot something and noticed it before he really had left the house. I cried even more. Although I wanted to stop my tears, but my body was trembling violently.
He embraced me. He whispered some words in my ear but I couldn't understand them. "Please stop crying," he said to me and I really tried. Without success.
He stroke through my hair and all of a sudden he kissed my forehead softly. Almost immediately I stopped crying and looked up to him with big red eyes.
"Calm down," SiWon only said. I didn't know what to say or how to react.
***
~"Will you come back?" I ask carefully. He only smiles. "Don't forget that I love you, alright?" he remembers me and I nod. "I'll love you forever," I tell him eventually and he presses his lips to mine. It is a sweet, gentle kiss I really enjoy. I feel the butterflies flying in my stormach. The kiss is slowly, but nonetheless so perfect. Really perfect.~
I swallowed. Tears were in my eyes again. Suddenly I thought of our farewell. Even when he said goodbye he was so kind-hearted. He was gentle and careful not to break my heart. But my broken heart couldn't be avoided. I start crying once more.
"If you could come back to me..." I sobbed silently.
"If you could come back only for one day..." I sat down on the floor in my bedroom.
"If I could see you once more..." I pulled my knees up to my chest.
"If you could hold me in your strong arms for one more time..." I rested my head on my knees.
"If you could give me one last kiss..." My breath was uneven due to my crying.
"If you could love me again..." I sighed.
"It'd be okay if it is only for one day. Someday maybe..."
Suddenly the door bell rang. I didn't want to get up but when it rang four more times I stood up and headed to the front door with shaking legs. I wiped away the tears before I opened.
"HeeChul." It was SiWon. He observed me carefully. "Did you cry?" he asked worried.
I only smiled, inhaling deeply to steady my breathing. SiWon immediately embraced me in his strong arms, comforting me.
"Please don't cry because of him anymore," he whispered and I nodded. He didn't have to see me for understanding. He felt the nod on his skin where my head was resting.
"Don't you think it's time to let go?" he asked me calm.
I sighed. "I don't think I' able to."
***
~My heart beats fast. He squeezes my hand. He laughed so sweetly and I can't help but laugh with him. I love to hear him this happy. "Come with me," he whispers and all of a sudden he begins to run over the grass. He pulls me with him. We run until one of us falls down, taking the other one with him. We got comfortable on the grass. I use his chest as a pillow and smile. He smiles brightly as well.~
I felt soft hands caress my cheek. There was something comfortable under my head. I opened my eyes slowly only to find SiWon staring at the wall, lost in his own thoughts. I smiled. Now I noticed that my head was resting on his lap. His fingers brushing through my hair gently. He didn't realize that I woke up.
I didn't thought twice. My hand reached for SiWon's back neck and pulled his face down, his mouth on my lips. I kissed him softly. The kiss was short and afterwards SiWon stared at me in shock and confusion. He wanted to say something but no words came out so I took the chance and spoke. "SiWon, you're right. I want to let go of him and move on. Can you help me with that?" I asked sweetly.
"Do you really want to?" he asked back eventually after a minute.
I nodded.
"Are you sure, you're able to?"
"Yes. I'll try. I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't say if I'll be able to, I don't know how it'll turn out, but can you try for me please?"
Now it was his turn to nod with a smile on his lips. "I'm proud of you, HeeChul. I trust you and I believe in you. You'll make it," he told me and we kissed once more.
Finally I felt ready for the next step. I knew I could never ever forget him, but I could love another person as well with my heart because that person was able to heal me. And suddenly I remembered, it was the day when I had this special feeling that he'd come back but indeed it was SiWon who moved here. He was sent from fate to rescue me.