(no subject)
It's 12:00, and I can't sleep. Sometimes, I am not as strong as it may seem to look like - who is, really? But, as I sit and think, I feel like a horrible person. There have been so many people I have hurt in the past, and I don't know how to make up for the times I have been so bitter and down right mean. I have all this sorrow and regret built up in me, and I don't know how to express it. I know saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough, and I know that I truly do mean it. But what words can say how bad you feel about something? And I am trying to learn my lesson and not do the things I have done in the past ever again, but I just still feel so miserable. I feel like life has a grudge on me because of how shitty I have been to people in the past. And I know that sounds dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe the feelings I have at this present time. I know I hate when people treat me horribly, so why have I in the past done that to people that I love and truly care for? I don't know where my head has been in some of these situations these past few years. I just regret all the bad things I have done to people in the past, and I don't know how else to keep these feelings inside anymore. I think that in the past I have been so hurt, hurt to a point where my heart aches. And, I think I was trying to cover up the fact that I was hurt and then I would go and snap at people if they asked me something about the situation. Or I would get into a fight with someone and attempt to forget about everything. But it always came back. And I realized that those actions were the stupidest things I have ever done. I will admit, I am hurting right now because of a few certain things. But I would rather have my friends to talk to about the hurt, not get mad at for it. I absolutely love my friends and my family. If I could go back to days where I could change my actions or words that could have saved alot of hurt or pain, I would do it in a heartbeat. But, the truth is you can't take something back from the past. So, from now on I'm going to try my damnest to be a better person. I know I would want that in return from people, so isn't it only fair to give the same attitude back?
I don't know why I wrote this entry. Maybe just to get these things off my chest. And I probably don't make any sense at all. But to everyone who I have hurt one time or another in the past, I sincerely am sorry. I never meant to do anything to cause anyone trouble. I treasure the friendships and relationships I have.
♥