Always have, always will (Part 2)
Titles: Always have, always will
Author: blinkbling24
Pairing: Akame
Genre: MAJOR ANGST! You have been warned.
Rating: Kinda between R and NC-17
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own them, because if I did, this fic would be in video instead of just words.
Warning: Unbeta-ed, so please excuse the grammer/spelling mistakes, if any.
Summary: Kame is by Jin's side as Jin chases his dream.
A/N: The idea for this fic started annoying me the moment Jin announced that he was not participating in the World Tour, and instead, is having a concert in LA. The idea brewed for a while, and I was about to write it when Jin surprised all of us by appearing at the airport 2 days shy of his birthday. And I thought, oh ok, maybe I shan't write it after all. But, Jin being Jin, shocks all of us yet again, and I thought yes, I should write this, if just to express what I feel about the whole situation through this piece of fiction. I would like to emphasis that the going-ons in this fic is purely from my overactive imagination. I admit that I've done Kame a disservice here, but I do wish him and Taguchi, Koki, Ueda and Nakamaru all the best, I will always watch over them. Jin too, whatever he attempts to do, I will watch over him. I warn you, it is pretty sad, so you might not want to read it, or you might want to prepare a box of tissues next to you. Here goes! Don't hate me!
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Jin arrives back to the Las Vegas hotel in the wee hours of morning. The last performance had ended and he had been dragged for post-tour drinks. All the while, he had looked at the clock, thinking that he’s wasting Kame’s last night in America. He had excused himself, and maneuvered around the sea of drunken bodies to escape into Kame’s arms.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be back earlier,” Jin envelopes Kame in a hug.
“It’s ok,” Kame soothes, “You deserve to celebrate. You did it, Jin. I’m so proud.”
Jin beams wide and sparkly, and then his expression changes.
“What is it?” Kame asks in the quiet way that he does.
“It’ll be official. When I go back…..I’ll be out of KAT-TUN,” the sadness is nothing if not profound. There is history, so much history, and memories that Jin will take with him wherever he goes.
“The guys will understand. You don’t give them enough credit sometimes,” Kame tries to tease.
“Do you? Understand?” Jin is almost afraid to ask.
Kame settles into Jin’s strong arms and inhales the scent that never fails to make his insides spin.
“I didn’t want to understand. I wanted to hate you, so much. Because hating you made it easier for you to go, made it easier for me to let you go.”
Jin tightens his hold around Kame.
“Kazuya, stay with me, always, please,” Jin puts into words what he wants in his heart.
“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you ask that,” Kame brings a hand to push Jin’s hair away from his face.
“I don’t like the fact that you’re leaving first. Why don’t you wait a couple of days? I have some things to wrap up here, and then, we’ll fly back together.”
Kame smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes, “I can’t. My time is up here.”
“I love you, Kazuya,” Jin says suddenly, overwhelmed by the feeling in his chest.
“I love you too, Jin, so very very much,” Kame chokes, and once again, there are those tears.
“Don't be sad, Kazuya,” Jin wipes the tears away with his thumb, “I’ll see you in Japan in a couple of days.”
Burying his face in the nook between Jin’s neck and shoulders, Kame says, almost begs, “Jin, promise me, don’t be sad, don’t ever be sad. Promise me.”
Jin has no idea what is going through Kame’s head, but it was said with so much conviction. So, he nods his promise and pulls Kame into a passionate kiss.
They make love several times. Jin is blown away by how aggressive Kame is, how Kame looks at Jin as though it is the last time he will see him. Jin wants to ask, wants to get things clear, but Kame is kissing him, holding him, riding him, opening himself up unreservedly to him, and Jin can’t, he just can’t. The only thing he can do is to accept it, to take it, because that is what Kame wants, and Jin refuses him nothing.
*
Jin falls asleep just as the sun is rising. In his dreams, he feels soft hands on his skin, soft lips kissing him, a soft voice speaking words of love, and finally, he hears “Thank you, Jin.”
“Kazuya….” Jin mutters in his sleep, and he sees those warm brown, sparkling eyes for a fleeting moment before they disappear.
The next day, when the sun is high up in the sky, Jin awakes, and he is alone in a strange white hotel bed, too big for one person.
*
There is no fanfare when Jin lands in Narita a couple of days later, not that Jin is expecting any. He greets his manager, KAT-TUN’s manager, who does not say a word, only gestures to take over the luggage cart. As Jin takes in the familiar sights of Tokyo in the car on the way back to his apartment, he wonders what Kame is doing. Kame mentioned a new project, but for the life of him, Jin cannot remember what the project is. Had he been so self-centred in America that he had forgotten to ask? He wants to ask his manager about it, but he remembers that no one knows that Kame had been with him for the past 2 months.
The moment he gets home, after he unfreezes his Japanese cell phone, he calls the person that has been on his mind since he was left all alone in that Las Vegas hotel without so much as a goodbye. Kame’s number went straight to the automated operator, telling Jin that the number is no longer in use.
Did Kame change his number? Jin isn’t too bothered, Kame does that all the time, attracted by shiney new phones by rival phone companies, that, and stalkers that manage to get his number somehow. Jin makes a note to ask Kame for his new number when he sees him.
Jet lag takes over and Jin falls asleep on his white couch. When he wakes, it is already the next morning, and he has a meeting at the agency with the other KAT-TUN members.
*
“You heartless, heartless bastard!!”
It is the first thing Jin hears when he enters the familiar meeting room. He winces. Apparently time has not healed any wounds. He ducks as he sees Koki in the middle of throwing back a punch. Jin waits for it, but it doesn’t come. Instead, he feels arms wrap around him as Koki sobs into his shoulders.
“Whoa! I didn’t think you would miss me so much!” Jin chuckles, petting Koki on the back.
“Jin.”
He looks up and sees Taguchi, Ueda and Nakamaru looking at him with sober expressions. There is something wrong. Every one of them look like they had lost weight, and there is a heaviness in the room that made Jin uncomfortable.
Koki pushes away and finally delivers his punch on Jin’s shoulder. Jin stumbles and hits his back on the wall.
“Where the fuck have you been?!” Koki shouts, “For weeks, we tried calling, emailing, but we could never get through. Nobody could get through to you, and you missed it, you missed it, you missed him…..” Koki continues to sob into his hands.
“What did I miss?” Jin is bewildered, “Where’s Kame?”
Nakamaru’s eyes widened, “You mean you don’t know?”
“Is this some news that I’m supposed to be aware of? Somehow, in America, I couldn’t access Japanese websites, and I didn’t receive any calls or emails from you guys. I would have picked up and replied if I had, and besides, Kame would have said something…..he usually tells me important things……Where’s Kame? He should be here. It’s not him to be late. It’s a KAT-TUN meeting right?” Everything feels wrong.
“Jin,” Ueda stops him calmly, but the sadness in his voice is evident, “there was a car crash. A week after our Taiwan concert. He crashed, and the doctors did everything they could, but he lost too much blood, and he had multiple organ damage..….” Ueda’s voice thickens, fighting back tears.
“Who crashed? Where’s Kame? He should be here. He told me he would be. Where is he?” Jin is beginning to panic, puzzle pieces of the last 2 months were finally getting put together.
“He told you?” Taguchi asks gently.
“He was with me in America. For 2 months. He stayed with me. He was with me…..” Jin clenches his hands into fists.
“Jin, what are you talking about?” Koki, recovering from his outburst of emotions, notices how confused Jin is.
“He was with me. Kame. He was with me. In America.” Jin still feels him, his touch, his warm breath.
“Jin,” Nakamaru stands up and walks over to Jin with an expression that shows that it is painful to say what he is about to, “Jin, Kame’s…..dead. He died, 2 months ago, in a car crash.”
“JIN!!!”
But Jin doesn’t hear his bandmates call his name. Instead, he hears a voice, “promise me you won’t be sad, Jin,” before he sways and crumbles, body falling, hitting his head on the stone cold floor.
*
Jin does not leave his apartment for a week. He does not bathe, and he would not have eaten if not for the fact that Yamapi comes by everyday to force him.
“Let me know when you want to talk,” Yamapi had said, but Jin doesn’t feel like it.
He looks at all the newspaper articles that report on Kame’s death. Kame had been driving home after a production meeting to talk about his next project late that night. The driver of the truck that hit him said that Kame swung out of nowhere, and he could not stop in time. The truck and the driver suffered only minor damage and injury. But Kame’s car was completely bashed in. It took rescuers two hours to cut Kame out of the car. Jin stares that the black and white picture of Kame’s crumpled car until it becomes an indistinguishable blob. Jin looks at the date of the accident. It was the day that Kame first appeared in front of him in America.
Jin watches the video of Kame’s funeral. It was a week long affair. The big picture of Kame, a recent shop photo, smiling so brightly, seems so out of place. Everyone in the jimusho and other famous people milled around to pay their respects, to offer their condolences. Kame’s family was filmed insensitively in their distraught, broken state. The 4 in KAT-TUN were at the funeral every single day, and were Kame’s pallbearers when it was time for the cremation. Jin watches as the furnace swallowed Kame’s coffin, and he remembers that it was the day they had made love on the brown furry rug in the serviced apartment.
It doesn’t feel real. Even with the articles and news footage. It doesn’t feel real. To Jin, what was real was the 2 months spent in America, with Kame by his side. Everyday, Jin cries until he has no more tears. He falls asleep sobbing, and jolts awake, looking for his phone, checking to see if Kame had called, only to remember that Kame will never call again, and fresh tears well up, and the pain he feels is unbearable.
Things get worse when he finally speaks to Pi, when he gets Pi to tell him everything.
“After you left for America, Kame was not himself, even worse than the first time you left,” Pi begins before being startled by tears streaming down Jin’s cheeks.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” Pi asks, concerned.
Jin nods and takes a deep breath, trying to keep control.
“At work, he was professional even though he was so angry. He would be polite and friendly, but the anger in his eyes, it was hard to ignore. When work was done, he would just recoil into himself, refusing to snap out if it,” Pi pauses when he observes Jin’s shoulders shaking. Pi places a kind hand on Jin’s arm.
“Someone, I think Koki, finally managed to talk to him. He was just so angry that you left, that you left him again, when he thought for sure that you were finally going to stay. He didn’t know how he was going to do it by himself again. But he was slowly coming out of it, you know how he can never stay angry with you for long,” Pi says fondly, and Jin falls deeper into despair.
“The night he died,” Pi continues, “I saw him along the jimusho corridors, and he smiled at me, albeit weakly. He asked if I had heard from you, and told me that he was going to call you as soon as he got home, to apologize, to say he supported you....he’s usually a very careful driver…..I don’t know…..” It is still hard to talk about Kame, and Yamapi can’t even begin to imagine how much more difficult it is for Jin to hear this. But, he had to tell him, so that Jin can come to terms with it.
“He was with me, Pi, all the time. We had the best time we had ever had in that 2 months,” Jin whispers distractedly, “and now, everyone, you, the 4 of them, the newspapers, the TV reports, are telling me that it was not real. It felt so real, Pi. He was warm, he was home, he was Kame and I love him,” Jin is inconsolable, and Yamapi does not know what to do. He gives Jin some sleeping pills, which Jin takes in a daze. Yamapi leaves only when Jin is fast asleep, and hopes that things will get better soon.
*
Jin sits in front of Kame’s headstone, refusing to move. He sits there day and night, studying the carvings on the grey granite. He feels just like how he feels when he’s filming a drama. The grave is not real, when the director says “cut”, it will all be well again. Jin keeps waiting for that “cut” to come, but it doesn’t.
He finds himself talking out loud to the stone, as though Kame is really in front of him, hoping that Kame can hear him. He tells Kame to come back, that it’s not enough. He shouts that he has not loved Kame enough, and he has so much more love for Kame to give, and just when Jin thinks that he’s completely dried of tears, he is crying again, and when it rains, drenching him to the bone, he wonders if it is Kame crying along with him.
Yamapi, Ryo, Koki, Taguchi, Ueda and Nakamaru all don’t know what to do with Jin, only to silently watch over him, like what Kame would have wanted them to do.
*
In the weeks that follow, Jin remains a shell of himself. He barely goes through the motions of staying alive. Even though his concerts in America were a success, he does not want to have anything to do with them. It is painful just thinking about the time in America. He had been summoned to Johnny’s office so many times that his manager has lost count, but Jin rejects every single offer. He just wants to grieve and be for the time being.
Without Kame, KAT-TUN is no longer KAT-TUN. The heart and soul of the group is gone, and the other 4 have been assigned to individual projects, which they all accept with great reluctance. It has been a while since either of them really smiled.
It is during this time, close to four months after Kame’s passing, that each of them get a strange email. There was no name to indicate the identity of the sender, but each felt the pull to open it, instead of trashing it as junk as they would usually do.
Koki, Taguchi, Ueda and Nakamaru got the same email. The contents told them that they were regarded as brothers, as kindred, and there was not a day that wasn’t fun or exciting. The email said that the 4 of them had all the potential in the world, and they should make full use of that potential. It said not look back at the past, but move forward into the future.
For Jin, this is what the email said:
Jin, the love of my life,
You promised not to be sad, so stop it already. Wipe the tears from your eyes and read what I have to say.
I died because I was foolish. I couldn’t see the good things in front of me. I had a successful career, and a person I love dearly, who was proving himself to me by chasing his own dreams. I couldn’t see that, and I let myself be blinded by my own shortsightedness.
That fateful day, I was driving home, and I was thinking about you. I was thinking about what to say to you when I called, whether you would even talk to me after how I had acted. I didn’t see the truck, and before I knew it, I was standing outside of my body, watching as the rescuers cut through the metal to get to me.
Maybe because I had been thinking about you, but in the next minute, I found myself in your apartment in LA, and like a dream come true, you stumbled into my arms.
I think it was God’s way of giving me another chance with you. I was dead, but I wasn’t a ghost, at least not when I was with you. I could feel you, and you could feel me, and you make me so happy. Just being the person you came back to every day, even for 2 months, I’m happy.
I’m sorry I monopolized your time, you could have been out with your friends, and making new ones. You understand, don’t you? I just wanted to be with you for the short time that I had. I’m glad I got to see you fulfill your dream. I’m so proud of you, Jin, so proud.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the past 10 years of friendship, for the ups and downs. Without the kind words, and the disagreements and the fights, I wouldn’t have gotten to know this wonderful person called Akanishi Jin, and even though he makes me so angry I see white from time to time, I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
It’s ok to miss me, in fact, miss me a lot, but please don’t blame yourself for my death. Go on living, keep on smiling that smile that makes me go weak in my knees, continue fulfilling your dream. You’re a dreamer Jin, so go dream. It is what I want from you. Can you do that for me?
Don’t let the 2 months of extra time go to waste. Remember it, cherish it, hold my words close to your heart, and move on. You want me by your side, this is the way to do it. Trust me, Jin. I’m always right. You know that.
It’s not goodbye, it’s till we meet again.
Until then, know that I love you. Always have, always will.
All the emails sign off as “Kamenashi Kazuya”, dated the last time Jin felt Kame in his arms.
*
Things are not the same, it never will be. But life is liveable once again, for Jin, and for the other four. Even though KAT-TUN is no more, they go about their different activities, supporting and encouraging one another, remembering the KAT-TUN of the past with eyes focused on the future.
It is memories of Kame that keeps Jin going. Kame is everywhere, in the Giants baseball game on TV, along the halls of the jimusho, in the lake full of turtles, in the huge crashing waves of the ocean that Kame loves. Every decision that Jin makes, he makes it with Kame on his mind, and when he sees 4 familiar faces in the crowd at his performances, he feels the fifth one in his heart, smiling at him, loving him. And even if it is never enough, it has to be.
Author: blinkbling24
Pairing: Akame
Genre: MAJOR ANGST! You have been warned.
Rating: Kinda between R and NC-17
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own them, because if I did, this fic would be in video instead of just words.
Warning: Unbeta-ed, so please excuse the grammer/spelling mistakes, if any.
Summary: Kame is by Jin's side as Jin chases his dream.
A/N: The idea for this fic started annoying me the moment Jin announced that he was not participating in the World Tour, and instead, is having a concert in LA. The idea brewed for a while, and I was about to write it when Jin surprised all of us by appearing at the airport 2 days shy of his birthday. And I thought, oh ok, maybe I shan't write it after all. But, Jin being Jin, shocks all of us yet again, and I thought yes, I should write this, if just to express what I feel about the whole situation through this piece of fiction. I would like to emphasis that the going-ons in this fic is purely from my overactive imagination. I admit that I've done Kame a disservice here, but I do wish him and Taguchi, Koki, Ueda and Nakamaru all the best, I will always watch over them. Jin too, whatever he attempts to do, I will watch over him. I warn you, it is pretty sad, so you might not want to read it, or you might want to prepare a box of tissues next to you. Here goes! Don't hate me!
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Jin arrives back to the Las Vegas hotel in the wee hours of morning. The last performance had ended and he had been dragged for post-tour drinks. All the while, he had looked at the clock, thinking that he’s wasting Kame’s last night in America. He had excused himself, and maneuvered around the sea of drunken bodies to escape into Kame’s arms.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be back earlier,” Jin envelopes Kame in a hug.
“It’s ok,” Kame soothes, “You deserve to celebrate. You did it, Jin. I’m so proud.”
Jin beams wide and sparkly, and then his expression changes.
“What is it?” Kame asks in the quiet way that he does.
“It’ll be official. When I go back…..I’ll be out of KAT-TUN,” the sadness is nothing if not profound. There is history, so much history, and memories that Jin will take with him wherever he goes.
“The guys will understand. You don’t give them enough credit sometimes,” Kame tries to tease.
“Do you? Understand?” Jin is almost afraid to ask.
Kame settles into Jin’s strong arms and inhales the scent that never fails to make his insides spin.
“I didn’t want to understand. I wanted to hate you, so much. Because hating you made it easier for you to go, made it easier for me to let you go.”
Jin tightens his hold around Kame.
“Kazuya, stay with me, always, please,” Jin puts into words what he wants in his heart.
“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you ask that,” Kame brings a hand to push Jin’s hair away from his face.
“I don’t like the fact that you’re leaving first. Why don’t you wait a couple of days? I have some things to wrap up here, and then, we’ll fly back together.”
Kame smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes, “I can’t. My time is up here.”
“I love you, Kazuya,” Jin says suddenly, overwhelmed by the feeling in his chest.
“I love you too, Jin, so very very much,” Kame chokes, and once again, there are those tears.
“Don't be sad, Kazuya,” Jin wipes the tears away with his thumb, “I’ll see you in Japan in a couple of days.”
Burying his face in the nook between Jin’s neck and shoulders, Kame says, almost begs, “Jin, promise me, don’t be sad, don’t ever be sad. Promise me.”
Jin has no idea what is going through Kame’s head, but it was said with so much conviction. So, he nods his promise and pulls Kame into a passionate kiss.
They make love several times. Jin is blown away by how aggressive Kame is, how Kame looks at Jin as though it is the last time he will see him. Jin wants to ask, wants to get things clear, but Kame is kissing him, holding him, riding him, opening himself up unreservedly to him, and Jin can’t, he just can’t. The only thing he can do is to accept it, to take it, because that is what Kame wants, and Jin refuses him nothing.
*
Jin falls asleep just as the sun is rising. In his dreams, he feels soft hands on his skin, soft lips kissing him, a soft voice speaking words of love, and finally, he hears “Thank you, Jin.”
“Kazuya….” Jin mutters in his sleep, and he sees those warm brown, sparkling eyes for a fleeting moment before they disappear.
The next day, when the sun is high up in the sky, Jin awakes, and he is alone in a strange white hotel bed, too big for one person.
*
There is no fanfare when Jin lands in Narita a couple of days later, not that Jin is expecting any. He greets his manager, KAT-TUN’s manager, who does not say a word, only gestures to take over the luggage cart. As Jin takes in the familiar sights of Tokyo in the car on the way back to his apartment, he wonders what Kame is doing. Kame mentioned a new project, but for the life of him, Jin cannot remember what the project is. Had he been so self-centred in America that he had forgotten to ask? He wants to ask his manager about it, but he remembers that no one knows that Kame had been with him for the past 2 months.
The moment he gets home, after he unfreezes his Japanese cell phone, he calls the person that has been on his mind since he was left all alone in that Las Vegas hotel without so much as a goodbye. Kame’s number went straight to the automated operator, telling Jin that the number is no longer in use.
Did Kame change his number? Jin isn’t too bothered, Kame does that all the time, attracted by shiney new phones by rival phone companies, that, and stalkers that manage to get his number somehow. Jin makes a note to ask Kame for his new number when he sees him.
Jet lag takes over and Jin falls asleep on his white couch. When he wakes, it is already the next morning, and he has a meeting at the agency with the other KAT-TUN members.
*
“You heartless, heartless bastard!!”
It is the first thing Jin hears when he enters the familiar meeting room. He winces. Apparently time has not healed any wounds. He ducks as he sees Koki in the middle of throwing back a punch. Jin waits for it, but it doesn’t come. Instead, he feels arms wrap around him as Koki sobs into his shoulders.
“Whoa! I didn’t think you would miss me so much!” Jin chuckles, petting Koki on the back.
“Jin.”
He looks up and sees Taguchi, Ueda and Nakamaru looking at him with sober expressions. There is something wrong. Every one of them look like they had lost weight, and there is a heaviness in the room that made Jin uncomfortable.
Koki pushes away and finally delivers his punch on Jin’s shoulder. Jin stumbles and hits his back on the wall.
“Where the fuck have you been?!” Koki shouts, “For weeks, we tried calling, emailing, but we could never get through. Nobody could get through to you, and you missed it, you missed it, you missed him…..” Koki continues to sob into his hands.
“What did I miss?” Jin is bewildered, “Where’s Kame?”
Nakamaru’s eyes widened, “You mean you don’t know?”
“Is this some news that I’m supposed to be aware of? Somehow, in America, I couldn’t access Japanese websites, and I didn’t receive any calls or emails from you guys. I would have picked up and replied if I had, and besides, Kame would have said something…..he usually tells me important things……Where’s Kame? He should be here. It’s not him to be late. It’s a KAT-TUN meeting right?” Everything feels wrong.
“Jin,” Ueda stops him calmly, but the sadness in his voice is evident, “there was a car crash. A week after our Taiwan concert. He crashed, and the doctors did everything they could, but he lost too much blood, and he had multiple organ damage..….” Ueda’s voice thickens, fighting back tears.
“Who crashed? Where’s Kame? He should be here. He told me he would be. Where is he?” Jin is beginning to panic, puzzle pieces of the last 2 months were finally getting put together.
“He told you?” Taguchi asks gently.
“He was with me in America. For 2 months. He stayed with me. He was with me…..” Jin clenches his hands into fists.
“Jin, what are you talking about?” Koki, recovering from his outburst of emotions, notices how confused Jin is.
“He was with me. Kame. He was with me. In America.” Jin still feels him, his touch, his warm breath.
“Jin,” Nakamaru stands up and walks over to Jin with an expression that shows that it is painful to say what he is about to, “Jin, Kame’s…..dead. He died, 2 months ago, in a car crash.”
“JIN!!!”
But Jin doesn’t hear his bandmates call his name. Instead, he hears a voice, “promise me you won’t be sad, Jin,” before he sways and crumbles, body falling, hitting his head on the stone cold floor.
*
Jin does not leave his apartment for a week. He does not bathe, and he would not have eaten if not for the fact that Yamapi comes by everyday to force him.
“Let me know when you want to talk,” Yamapi had said, but Jin doesn’t feel like it.
He looks at all the newspaper articles that report on Kame’s death. Kame had been driving home after a production meeting to talk about his next project late that night. The driver of the truck that hit him said that Kame swung out of nowhere, and he could not stop in time. The truck and the driver suffered only minor damage and injury. But Kame’s car was completely bashed in. It took rescuers two hours to cut Kame out of the car. Jin stares that the black and white picture of Kame’s crumpled car until it becomes an indistinguishable blob. Jin looks at the date of the accident. It was the day that Kame first appeared in front of him in America.
Jin watches the video of Kame’s funeral. It was a week long affair. The big picture of Kame, a recent shop photo, smiling so brightly, seems so out of place. Everyone in the jimusho and other famous people milled around to pay their respects, to offer their condolences. Kame’s family was filmed insensitively in their distraught, broken state. The 4 in KAT-TUN were at the funeral every single day, and were Kame’s pallbearers when it was time for the cremation. Jin watches as the furnace swallowed Kame’s coffin, and he remembers that it was the day they had made love on the brown furry rug in the serviced apartment.
It doesn’t feel real. Even with the articles and news footage. It doesn’t feel real. To Jin, what was real was the 2 months spent in America, with Kame by his side. Everyday, Jin cries until he has no more tears. He falls asleep sobbing, and jolts awake, looking for his phone, checking to see if Kame had called, only to remember that Kame will never call again, and fresh tears well up, and the pain he feels is unbearable.
Things get worse when he finally speaks to Pi, when he gets Pi to tell him everything.
“After you left for America, Kame was not himself, even worse than the first time you left,” Pi begins before being startled by tears streaming down Jin’s cheeks.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” Pi asks, concerned.
Jin nods and takes a deep breath, trying to keep control.
“At work, he was professional even though he was so angry. He would be polite and friendly, but the anger in his eyes, it was hard to ignore. When work was done, he would just recoil into himself, refusing to snap out if it,” Pi pauses when he observes Jin’s shoulders shaking. Pi places a kind hand on Jin’s arm.
“Someone, I think Koki, finally managed to talk to him. He was just so angry that you left, that you left him again, when he thought for sure that you were finally going to stay. He didn’t know how he was going to do it by himself again. But he was slowly coming out of it, you know how he can never stay angry with you for long,” Pi says fondly, and Jin falls deeper into despair.
“The night he died,” Pi continues, “I saw him along the jimusho corridors, and he smiled at me, albeit weakly. He asked if I had heard from you, and told me that he was going to call you as soon as he got home, to apologize, to say he supported you....he’s usually a very careful driver…..I don’t know…..” It is still hard to talk about Kame, and Yamapi can’t even begin to imagine how much more difficult it is for Jin to hear this. But, he had to tell him, so that Jin can come to terms with it.
“He was with me, Pi, all the time. We had the best time we had ever had in that 2 months,” Jin whispers distractedly, “and now, everyone, you, the 4 of them, the newspapers, the TV reports, are telling me that it was not real. It felt so real, Pi. He was warm, he was home, he was Kame and I love him,” Jin is inconsolable, and Yamapi does not know what to do. He gives Jin some sleeping pills, which Jin takes in a daze. Yamapi leaves only when Jin is fast asleep, and hopes that things will get better soon.
*
Jin sits in front of Kame’s headstone, refusing to move. He sits there day and night, studying the carvings on the grey granite. He feels just like how he feels when he’s filming a drama. The grave is not real, when the director says “cut”, it will all be well again. Jin keeps waiting for that “cut” to come, but it doesn’t.
He finds himself talking out loud to the stone, as though Kame is really in front of him, hoping that Kame can hear him. He tells Kame to come back, that it’s not enough. He shouts that he has not loved Kame enough, and he has so much more love for Kame to give, and just when Jin thinks that he’s completely dried of tears, he is crying again, and when it rains, drenching him to the bone, he wonders if it is Kame crying along with him.
Yamapi, Ryo, Koki, Taguchi, Ueda and Nakamaru all don’t know what to do with Jin, only to silently watch over him, like what Kame would have wanted them to do.
*
In the weeks that follow, Jin remains a shell of himself. He barely goes through the motions of staying alive. Even though his concerts in America were a success, he does not want to have anything to do with them. It is painful just thinking about the time in America. He had been summoned to Johnny’s office so many times that his manager has lost count, but Jin rejects every single offer. He just wants to grieve and be for the time being.
Without Kame, KAT-TUN is no longer KAT-TUN. The heart and soul of the group is gone, and the other 4 have been assigned to individual projects, which they all accept with great reluctance. It has been a while since either of them really smiled.
It is during this time, close to four months after Kame’s passing, that each of them get a strange email. There was no name to indicate the identity of the sender, but each felt the pull to open it, instead of trashing it as junk as they would usually do.
Koki, Taguchi, Ueda and Nakamaru got the same email. The contents told them that they were regarded as brothers, as kindred, and there was not a day that wasn’t fun or exciting. The email said that the 4 of them had all the potential in the world, and they should make full use of that potential. It said not look back at the past, but move forward into the future.
For Jin, this is what the email said:
Jin, the love of my life,
You promised not to be sad, so stop it already. Wipe the tears from your eyes and read what I have to say.
I died because I was foolish. I couldn’t see the good things in front of me. I had a successful career, and a person I love dearly, who was proving himself to me by chasing his own dreams. I couldn’t see that, and I let myself be blinded by my own shortsightedness.
That fateful day, I was driving home, and I was thinking about you. I was thinking about what to say to you when I called, whether you would even talk to me after how I had acted. I didn’t see the truck, and before I knew it, I was standing outside of my body, watching as the rescuers cut through the metal to get to me.
Maybe because I had been thinking about you, but in the next minute, I found myself in your apartment in LA, and like a dream come true, you stumbled into my arms.
I think it was God’s way of giving me another chance with you. I was dead, but I wasn’t a ghost, at least not when I was with you. I could feel you, and you could feel me, and you make me so happy. Just being the person you came back to every day, even for 2 months, I’m happy.
I’m sorry I monopolized your time, you could have been out with your friends, and making new ones. You understand, don’t you? I just wanted to be with you for the short time that I had. I’m glad I got to see you fulfill your dream. I’m so proud of you, Jin, so proud.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the past 10 years of friendship, for the ups and downs. Without the kind words, and the disagreements and the fights, I wouldn’t have gotten to know this wonderful person called Akanishi Jin, and even though he makes me so angry I see white from time to time, I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
It’s ok to miss me, in fact, miss me a lot, but please don’t blame yourself for my death. Go on living, keep on smiling that smile that makes me go weak in my knees, continue fulfilling your dream. You’re a dreamer Jin, so go dream. It is what I want from you. Can you do that for me?
Don’t let the 2 months of extra time go to waste. Remember it, cherish it, hold my words close to your heart, and move on. You want me by your side, this is the way to do it. Trust me, Jin. I’m always right. You know that.
It’s not goodbye, it’s till we meet again.
Until then, know that I love you. Always have, always will.
All the emails sign off as “Kamenashi Kazuya”, dated the last time Jin felt Kame in his arms.
*
Things are not the same, it never will be. But life is liveable once again, for Jin, and for the other four. Even though KAT-TUN is no more, they go about their different activities, supporting and encouraging one another, remembering the KAT-TUN of the past with eyes focused on the future.
It is memories of Kame that keeps Jin going. Kame is everywhere, in the Giants baseball game on TV, along the halls of the jimusho, in the lake full of turtles, in the huge crashing waves of the ocean that Kame loves. Every decision that Jin makes, he makes it with Kame on his mind, and when he sees 4 familiar faces in the crowd at his performances, he feels the fifth one in his heart, smiling at him, loving him. And even if it is never enough, it has to be.