[Fan Fic] Fragments - Chapter 7
Title: Fragments
Author: blinkbling24
Pairing: Akame, Kokame
Genre: Angst, Romance, Smut
Rating: NC-17 (As there will be smut in subsequent chapters)
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own them, because if I did, this fic would be in video instead of just words.
Warning: Fic is unbeta-ed, so please excuse the grammer/spelling mistakes, if any.
Summary: In life and love, you can’t have everything that you want, or can you?
A/N: This is my first multi-chaptered fic. I don’t know how long this will be yet. I’ll see how it goes as I write. This story is set in the near future, but will go back to the past and play around with the timeline quite a bit, and it might get a little messy. I’ll try to be as faithful to the timeline as possible, but my memory might not serve me well, and I might just change things a bit and add a few imaginary dates, using my creative license.
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Chapter 7
Sometime in January 2005, at the start of the Gokusen 2 fever
Tanaka Koki wondered if this sense of self torture was part and parcel of human nature, something that God had genetically implanted, making human beings unable to pull away from the masochistic pleasure of coveting one’s unobtainable object of desire. He watched, entrapped, as once again, Kame and Jin were singled out by the photographer to pose together.
Damn Gokusen. Damn Johnny.
At every photoshoot in the past month, the same scene played over and over like a broken record, Kame and Jin laughing, Kame and Jin sharing a private joke, Kame and Jin touching each other. And yet, Koki watched, eyes bone dry and head exploding from the persistent, silent screams.
But then, when Kame, in between poses, would catch Koki’s eye and smile, Koki would grin back. Koki would always have a smile ready for Kame. Koki lived for moments like these, ever since Kame first nudged his way into his heart.
“Koki-kun, c’mon! We’re going for drinks!”
"……”
“Are you really not going to talk to any of us outside of work?”
“…..maybe…”
“But we’re a team now. You’re ‘T’ in KAT-TUN and you’re stuck with us.”
“Whoopee doo….I’m literally dancing for joy….NOT.”
“Well, I’m sticking to you. I’ll make you like me, you’ll see!”
“…whatever….”
“You’re never going to win his heart by just standing here and watching, my friend.”
Koki turned and blinked at Nakamaru who had quietly taken position next to him getting ready for their turn to pair up.
“How can I compete with perfection?” Koki shrugged self-defeatedly, gesturing at the array of Johnny’s magazines strewn across the panel table as reading material to pass the time while waiting. Each publication had “Kamenashi Kazuya” and “Akanishi Jin” splashed ceremoniously across the cover, outshone only by the multitude of Akakame pages inside.
Nakamaru, in a rare moment of seriousness, threw a glance at the Gokusen pair, still hamming it up in front of the camera. He squinted a little, as if noticing something that others could not really see. He gave Koki a brotherly pat on the shoulder, “You’ll never know, Koki-kun, not everyone sees or even wants perfection.”
Yes, but, how often does the underdog win, thought Koki. Loving someone from afar was better than not loving at all.
***
Early August 2007, Filming for Cartoon KAT-TUN, Okinawa Special
Once again, Koki found himself watching, and feelings that never really went away came drifting back one painful stab at a time. He stood, behind the darkened window pane, a silent spectator and listener to the phantom actions and unspoken words that conveyed volumes of emotions unbeknownst to the players before him.
Koki watched as Kame and Jin stood side by side, each reminiscing the intangible past. He watched as the ice wall between Kame and Jin thawed a little, only to be frozen again. He watched as the electric current coursed through Kame when Jin rested his hand on Kame’s shoulder, only for Kame to labouredly ignore it.
And all Koki could think about was whether it was a fair victory on his part.
“How long have you been standing here watching them?”
Nakamaru had crept out to stand beside Koki in the dark, and despite his sullenness, he grinned slightly, remembering the horse-playing a couple of hours earlier.
“I feel like I’ve been watching them for years,” Koki’s smile disappeared.
Nakamaru sighed and rested his hand on Koki’s shoulder, mirroring the image on the balcony in front of them.
“Kame’s yours now. You just have to hold on to him, tightly.”
“But…..” Koki could not bring himself to say the words.
Nakamaru noticed something from the balcony, and just as he decided to turn away, he gave Koki one more reassuring pat on the shoulder before saying, “I know, my friend, I know…..and, tell Kame I’ll be sleeping in Ueda’s room tonight.”
***
“Koki?”
Koki had just crawled back under the covers after his brief conversation with Nakamaru when he heard the room door open gently. He opened his tired eyes and saw the love of his life standing by the doorway, gently shimmering with a glow that only Kamenashi Kazuya had.
“Mmmmm?” Koki did not want to let on that he was watching Kame and Jin mere minutes ago.
Kame closed the door behind him as he approached Koki’s bedside
“What is wimpy Nakamaru doing in my bed in the other room?"
The mock annoyance in Kame’s voice caused Koki’s spirits to lift a little.
“I don’t know. I presumed he went to the bathroom, but he never came back. Maybe he got lost.”
“Well, whatever it is, I’m a little bummed,” Kame sat himself down at the edge of the bed.
“Eh?” Koki, curiosity getting the better of him, sat up.
“I had wanted to chase him out of this room myself so that my boyfriend can make love to me. By taking the initiative, he took part of my fun away,” Kame pouted.
Koki could not resist. He leaned in and brushed his lips gently on Kame’s pouty ones, and smiled when Kame nuzzled his face into his neck.
“So, you want me to make love to you huh?”
“Yes please.” And Koki did as he was told.
***
Akanishi Jin closed the balcony door quietly and crept across the living area to the room he shared with Taguchi. As he went past a certain bedroom, he heard noises, noises that should not matter, not anymore. And yet, it did.
***
2nd week of September 2007, along the hallways of Johnny’s Entertainment
Johnny sure does not give a guy a break, Jin thought to himself as he walked along the stark empty corridors of the JE building that late evening. Ever since he got back from LA, it has been one work thing after another, packing up his days, leaving him hardly any time for himself. Not that he minded. Thoughts of work covered up other thoughts, painful thoughts that threatened to surface whenever he saw his 2 bandmates together.
Speak of the devil.
But then, Kame could never be the devil, not with his effervescent aura that was nostalgically warm and yet, bitter cold at the same time.
Jin nodded in acknowledgement as Kame smiled politely, closing the gap between them.
“Your turn to see Johnny eh?” Jin tried to make cordial conversation.
“Yeah, new drama. Gonna sign the contract. You?”
“Yukan Club. Collecting my script…”
“Ah, that’s right, with Taguchi. Blonde hair really doesn’t…….”
A sudden wave of dizziness caused Kame to stop mid-sentence as he brought his arm out to steady himself against the wall. He blinked a few times, trying to clear away the black spots that marred his vision.
“Kame? KAME! Are you alright?” Jin reached out, and then curled his fingers and brought his arm down again.
“I’m f..fine….just….”
“KAZUYA!” Forgetting himself, Jin rushed forward and grabbed hold of Kame before the younger man could collapse onto the ground. Jin’s body cushioned Kame, with Jin bearing the brunt of the fall. His elbow throbbed as he landed awkwardly, but Jin did not care. His singular focus was the person in his arms, who was at the moment scaring him by being pale and disoriented.
“Kazu....can you hear me? Kazuya…” Jin tapped Kame’s cheek lightly trying to get a response. Relieved to hear a small groan from Kame, Jin scooped Kame up and carried him into an empty waiting room where he placed him gently on a plush couch.
Kame struggled to focus. He heard a voice calling him, but it sounded so distant. It was as if his name, Kazuya, was so sacred that it could not be said out loud. But even in its wispy quality, it was spoken with an emotion which Kame felt, even in his hazy state, he had to respond to. He blinked and blinked, until the haze lifted and he recognized the ceiling above him, the ceiling with whitewashed beams to which he often opened his eyes to whenever he took power naps between rehearsals. He tried sitting up, but his head was heavy and every muscle in his body hurt.
“Don’t try to sit up too quickly. Come, let me help you.”
Jin. Why must it be Jin? Kame let himself be helped up, hating being weak in front of Jin. He had been having frequent fainting spells of late and cursed silently at the timing of this particular one, even though he knew what caused it - his grueling non-stop Dreamboys schedule.
“Here, drink.”
He took a sip of whatever beverage that Jin offered to him, and winced as the liquid trickled down his throat and churned his empty stomach. He refused the offer of another sip, shaking his head.
“You haven’t been eating again.” Jin said it as a statement, not a question.
Kame shrugged. “Haven’t been sleeping much either, but not to worry. I just need to sit down for 5 minutes, and I’m good to go again. I’m used to it.”
“How can you say you’re used to it? It’s not something to get used to, Kazuya!” Jin felt an irrational anger rising from within him. He did not know if it was anger towards Kame who would not look after himself, or towards his own self, who could not take care of Kame.
Slightly taken aback that Jin had used his first name, and the volume of which he said it, Kame began getting off the couch, “I had to get used to it. I had no choice.” He walked towards the door, but before he could reach it, he felt a strong hand grab his wrist. He turned and met Jin squarely in the eyes.
Kame’s look infuriated Jin even more. How could he be so nonchalant, so unaffected? This was not normal.
“What do you mean you had no choice?!” Jin tried hard to control his voice.
“I’m an idol. I have responsibilities, back-to-back jobs,” Kame said calmly.
“That’s NO EXCUSE! Koki should be looking out for you!”
“Don’t you DARE bring Koki into this, it’s my own doing,” Kame gritted his teeth.
“That’s right! It’s your own fault! What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?!”
“As I said, I had no choice.”
Kame’s voice was dangerously low, but Jin was oblivious.
“STOP SAYING THAT! No one told you to overwork yourself…..you could have said no to Johnny, you could have walked away, you could have…….”
“YOU LEFT, JIN! YOU LEFT KAT-TUN, YOU LEFT BROKEN PIECES, PIECES I HAD TO PICK UP! DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT? DO YOU?!!”
You left me.
Hot tears threatened Kame’s caramel brown eyes, and Jin was silenced.
Trembling from the effort, Kame heaved a tired sigh, “It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. I’m trying to move forward, so please, get out of my way.”
Taking Kame literally, Jin let go of Kame’s wrist.
“Kame, I’m s..sorry…..”
“No, don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean to blame you. You did what you had to do. Now, Johnny is expecting me, and I do have a date with my boyfriend. This is, after all, our one free night from Dreamboys.”
“S..sure.”
They left the room together, and before they parted, Kame turned to Jin and managed a small smile, “I promise I’ll let Koki make me eat.”
As Kame walked down the long corridor, listening to the sound Jin’s footsteps thinning out in the opposite direction, he thought back to that fateful night in the playground a year ago, and wondered if he could ever forget, if he would have to put on an act in front of Jin his entire life.
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Note: Apologies. This took a long while. What can I say? Mundane life got in the way. I'm not too pleased with this chapter, but at least it's gotten me back on the saddle. Comments much appreciated! :)