[Fan Fic] Fragments - Chapter 15
Title: Fragments
Author: blinkbling24
Pairing: Akame, Kokame
Genre: Angst, Romance, Smut
Rating: NC-17 (As there will be smut in subsequent chapters)
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own them, because if I did, this fic would be in video instead of just words.
Warning: Fic is unbeta-ed, so please excuse the grammer/spelling mistakes, if any.
Summary: In life and love, you can’t have everything that you want, or can you?
A/N: This is my first multi-chaptered fic. I don’t know how long this will be yet. I’ll see how it goes as I write. This story is set in the near past, but will go back to the further past and play around with the timeline quite a bit, and it might get a little messy. I’ll try to be as faithful to the timeline as possible, but my memory might not serve me well, and I might just change things a bit and add a few imaginary dates, using my creative license.
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Chapter 15
November 29th, 2006, Best Artist 2006 appearance
Kame was lost in thought as he walked the long backstage corridors of the TV studio. It was as if he was all alone in the world even though backstage was abuzz with activity, fellow artistes and their entourage running in and out rooms, practicing last minute dance moves, applying just that much more mascara, blow drying to hold the already stiff hairstyle in place.
Random thoughts were flying through his mind, from the song list for the performance later, to the dance steps, to the fact that he still had a week left of Tatta Hitotsu to film. As odd as the sentence sounded, it was as though his mind had a mind of its own. No matter how much Kame wanted his brain to shut down, it just would not. He had experienced stress before, last year being the worst. He owed it to the back to back dramas he had committed himself to, which resulted in him becoming deathly thin, and almost anorexic, and yet he survived.
But now, this was not stress, it was something so much more. The responsibility he shouldered weighed a ton. He had nobody to share it with. It has been more than a month since Jin left, leaving no word when he would be back, and the impact it had on KAT-TUN as a group was knocking the wind out of Kame.
Countless of management meetings ensued after that fateful day in all of KAT-TUN’s lives. They talked about how Jin was a pillar, and KAT-TUN might not succeed in the long term without him. The members talked about how they wanted KAT-TUN to carry on, to try. And then, everyone turned to look at Kame, the only pillar left standing. The popularity of KAT-TUN rested on him, what he could deliver. If he succeeded, KAT-TUN succeeded. If he failed, KAT-TUN failed. That was how it was.
Like a longsuffering military general, he accepted his mission stoically, without letting his troops see that he was on the brink of a breakdown.
“Let me help you,” Koki had whispered one night, post-coital, when Kame had been so worn out after drama filming, Bokura no Machi de promotions and back-to-back meetings that Koki was not required to attend, that he was hardly able to finish what he had started with Koki in bed. Kame had shaken his head, rejecting Koki’s offer. Kame had whispered sweet words to say that as long as Koki was by his side, everything would be ok. He would pull through, KAT-TUN would pull through.
However, the truth was that he blamed Jin. It had always been Kame and Jin, Jin and Kame, fronting the group, drawing the crowds. Kame, even at the peak of his stress, had always been able to depend on Jin to be there, to hold everything up. Even though Kame’s workaholic nature never really required Jin to step up more than he had to, it was simply comforting to have Jin by his side. Now, with Jin gone, Kame was stretching himself too thin. Koki could not fill the void. For all the amazing things Koki was, Koki was simply not Jin, and he never will be.
Selfish, selfish. How dared Jin call him selfish for debuting with Yamapi, when Jin was the most selfish one of all? Kame fumed as he made his way to a particular changing room, having to have one last rehearsal for an act he did without the rest of KAT-TUN.
***
“This shouldn’t take long, we can dance this in our sleep,” Yamapi said kindly as Kame positioned himself in front of the floor to ceiling mirror in the room.
“I know, but I just want to make sure we get this right,” Kame replied through gritted teeth.
Pi placed himself next to Kame and took in Kame’s reflection, seeing the dark rings under the eyes, the sunken cheeks and the clenched jaw. Even though Kame had put back some of the weight he so drastically lost during Nobuta times, Kame still looked like he could look a lot better.
“You’re angry,” Yamapi remarked as they went through the dance steps.
“Give me a reason why I shouldn’t be,” Kame said as he did his twirl half-heartedly. It was rehearsal after all, he did not need to put in the effort. He had to conserve whatever effort he had left in him.
“Kame…..” Yamapi began.
“What Pi? What?” Kame eyes trembled with controlled fury as he stopped and faced Jin’s best friend.
Yamapi stayed silent, aware that Kame needed to rant.
Kame glared, but continued, “It’s like no one has faith in KAT-TUN anymore, even though we’ve proved them wrong with Bokura no Machi de. We topped the charts, and we topped it without him. And yet, there’s still no faith. I have to do this act with you, like as though my own popularity, like the rest of the members’ popularity, is not enough to hold things together, I need to tap on yours.”
“I don’t think anyone thinks that,” Yamapi tried.
“Oh? So, are you telling me that this is not a preservation-of-investment move by the company? They’ve lost their prized commodity, and I alone don’t seem to be enough to reassure them.”
There was no comeback, Yamapi knew as well as Kame how the industry worked.
“I just have to work harder, and make sure I don’t fail, make sure KAT-TUN doesn’t fail,” Kame gestured Pi to get into position again.
Sighing, Pi stepped up and went through the dance moves mechanically once more.
“I think that should do it,” Kame wiped his face with the towel that draped around his neck.
“Erm…Kame?” Pi wondered if he should say what he wanted to.
“Yeah?” Kame responded with his face still in the towel.
“He called.” Yamapi bit the bullet.
“That concerns me how?” Kame, lowering the towel, said flatly.
“He asked about you.”
“The very fact that he called you, not me, shows that it was just a question of formality.”
“Kame…..”
“Enough Pi, I need to go back to KAT-TUN now. I don’t abandon people, unlike a person we know.”
Ouch.
“Oh, and Pi, if he calls you again, tell him that we don’t need him, that I don’t need him. I can do this on my own. I will do this on my own. I do not need Akanishi Jin.”
***
May 2008, Don’t You Ever Stop promotion runs
Everywhere they went, from Music Station to Utaban to Shounen Club Premium, Jin simply stared at Kame, wondering, wondering, but always failing to come up with an answer. He watched as Kame chattered animatedly with the hosts, he watched as Kame spoke words of encourage to the Juniors. He watched as Kame engaged in frivolous banter with the rest of the members in the dressing rooms, and most of all, he watched Kame’s interaction with Koki.
Nothing has changed, but what was he expecting? After that stunt he pulled almost a month ago, Jin hardly expected Kame to be speaking to him. But speaking to him Kame was, as though nothing had happened, as though he had dirty, forbidden sex with someone else, someone that looked like Kamenashi Kazuya, but wasn’t.
“You have to leave now.”
“Kazuya….I…..”
“Leave. Koki will be back any minute.”
“But…”
“Jin, listen to me. Just leave. We’ll deal with this later.”
There was gentleness in Kame’s voice then, there was even a goodbye kiss, and Jin harboured hope that maybe, just maybe Kame would make things right, would set things right, and finally be his. However, as the days passed, that hope got smaller and smaller, until it had almost all but faded away.
“Jin. JIN!”
“Huh?” Jin looked up from where he was sitting alone in the dressing room. The others were cruising the corridors, saying hi to the other guests on Music Station that day.
“Standby in 15,” Kame said as he sat beside Jin in front of the long make-up mirror and patted on some matt foundation. Jin simply nodded and watched Kame through the mirror. He opened his mouth to say something, but shut it again, not even knowing where to begin.
“I like your new solo,” Kame said suddenly even as he examined his complexion in the brightly lit mirror, almost startling Jin out of his chair.
“Oh really?” Jin managed.
Kame nodded, “Yeah, although I don’t understand more than half the lyrics, I like it. Maybe you can explain the lyrics to me sometime, ne?” Kame winked through the mirror, sending Jin reeling. Was Kame flirting with him? What did it mean?
“Kame….” Jin began.
“Not now,” Kame interrupted, knowing exactly where Jin was headed.
“Then when?” Jin finally mustered up the strength to look Kame in the eye.
“Soon,” Kame replied dismissively, but held Jin’s gaze. Jin never felt more muddled than he did that very moment.
“Kame-chan!” Koki burst into the room, forcing Kame and Jin to break eye contact. Jin turned away as Koki enveloped Kame in a hug from the back. He did not want to see Koki kissing Kame’s hair, he did not want to see the sweet smile that graced Kame’s face at the simple act of affection. He did not want to see any of it at all.
***
If doctors where to hook up an EKG machine to him right that very moment, Kame was sure he would immediately be admitted to hospital and be the subject of numerous tests. No normal human being had the erratic heartbeat that he had at the moment. Sometimes he felt so suffocated that he was sure his heart had stopped, other times, his heart would beat so fast and so hard that he would feel like he was having a seizure. All this because of one Akanishi Jin.
As they all gathered backstage in preparation to go down the stairs when they hear their band name being called on Music Station, Kame tried to focus his energy on the lines he had to say, and the performance they had to nail in front of the cameras, and not how much he hated the situation that he had a hand in putting himself in.
Kame knew that Jin was feeling like he was thrown in a loop. Kame felt no better, except that Kame was a better actor than Jin was. Kame was well aware that Jin was expecting something from him, regardless of what the something was. But the stubborn refusal to acknowledge that Jin had any profound effect on him presented itself stronger than simply owing Jin an answer. Kame had long decided that he did not need Jin, and this feeling of, of….Kame did not even know how to name it, but he knew that it would not do, it would not do at all.
But the sex. Kame could not get over it. That one time, that one forbidden time with Jin, ignited a fire so hot that far surpassed anything that he experienced with Koki. It was addictive, and every time he made love to Koki after that incident, he could not help comparing, and sex with Koki always fell short. Koki’s touches, gentle and warm, were lackluster compared to Jin’s searing hands that scalded his body everywhere he touched. Kame found himself resenting Koki, and once he identified that feeling, he was immediately hit with extreme guilt, which manifested in wanting to make Koki feel loved and happy. It was vicious cycle, and Kame was starting to get very dizzy and sick because of it.
And yet, he found himself upping his professional façade, for KAT-TUN’s sake, for Koki’s sake, and most of all, for his own sake. He was trying his utmost best to reconcile issues within himself, meanwhile putting up a shield in front of Jin. His recent friendliness towards Jin was disconcerting, even to himself but it was the only way he knew how to act in front of Jin now without revealing anything that would show weakness. However, his reluctance to resolve the issue with Jin had another name altogether. Once upon a time, Jin had the upper hand in their relationship, but now, the tables have turned, and Kame was in power now. It was scarily satisfying, and Kame was afraid that it would consume him. He had to resist, he had to.
He reached for Koki’s hand as the introduction to Music Station played and Tomori-san walked past them to take his place in front of the cameras. He felt Koki’s thumb massage his palm, and his heartbeat returned to normal. Kame turned to look at Koki, summoning all the feelings he had for Koki into his eyes, completely aware that another pair of eyes was on them, eyes that were glazed with a darkness that was irresistible.
***
July 2008, Sendai City, the Queen of Pirates summer concert tour
“Pi, talk to me before I go crazy,” Jin, out of desperation from the Shinkansen ride from Tokyo to Sendai, had called his best friend. He had just about enough. The entire month that just passed was full of concert preparations, full of concert performances, full of senseless, friendly words from Kame that was akin to a vacuum of silence where Jin was concerned, full of Kame’s loaded looks that Jin for the life of him could not decipher, and full of the usual brotherly chumminess from Koki that made Jin feel like the worst bastard on the face of the earth. Those, and Kame’s and Koki’s public displays of affection, which was now being exhibited as they alighted the bullet train onto the Sendai platform, with Koki’s arm slung territorially around Kame’s shoulder, and Kame whispering sweet nothings into Koki’s ear before they both giggle conspiratorially. Jin felt like he was going mad.
“What? Where are you?”
“In Sendai. We’re having our concert here tomorrow.”
“And why are you going crazy?” Yamapi was sometimes too astute for his own good, Jin thought. Jin had not told Yamapi about what had happened between him and Kame. Yamapi had already warned him enough about the consequences, and Jin really did not want to hear any more nagging. Besides, he could not even explain it to himself, what more to Yamapi.
“Oh, errr…it’s nothing. Just doing this whole concert thing with the guys is reminding me why I had to escape to LA back then.”
“Jin? You’re not planning on doing anything stupid again are you?” Jin heard the tinge of worry in Yamapi’s voice.
“No, of course not. I just need your calming influence, that’s all,” Jin said, wondering who was supposed to pacify who now.
“Good, cos I really hate being your nanny, you know that right?”
Jin did not say a thing for a good minute. He unwittingly turned his head and witnessed a kiss between Kame and Koki. He shuddered and wanted to run far far away.
“Jin? Jin? You there?”
“Yeah…I’m here. Yes yes, you’re not my nanny.”
“Get that into your thick skull,” Yamapi’s laughter rang in his ear, and Jin felt a little lighter. He laughed along as he followed the rest of the guys out of the station.
“Err..Pi?”
“Yeah?”
“I gotta call you back. The sadistic director is standing in front of us for some reason.”
“Oh shit.”
“Oh shit is right. Have a good one.”
“You too, and Jin?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t do anything stupid.” Jin snapped his phone shut. Why does Yamapi always thick the worst of him, Jin thought as he channeled his attention to the ruckus in front of him. It looked like it was going to be another long day.
***
“He’s not going to jump. I can bet you all the money in my bank account and in my investment portfolios that he’s not going to jump.”
“I’m not going to bet with you over a pure fact. It’s not financially wise. There’s no chance in hell he will jump,” Jin chuckled as he exhaled smoke from his cigarette, watching Koki do the same. They were on a smoke break, their third in the duration of the time they were at the amusement park, while the cameras focused on Taguchi and Ueda embarking on the fruitless attempt of encouraging Maru. Koki laughed in response.
“Wait a minute, you have investment portfolios?” Jin asked, surprised.
“Yeah, my mum made me get them, when I first started out. Something about saving for the future, wife and kids and all that stuff.”
Jin stiffened a little. Wife and kids?
“Oh yeah?” Jin tried to sound casual even as he gave Koki a sincere smirk.
“Who would have thought my life would take a different direction huh? Falling for Kame and all,” Koki gave Jin a manly pat on the shoulder to hide his embarrassment for exposing such a raw emotion.
“You’re one lucky fella,” Jin meant it.
“I am, aren’t I?”
Jin took a long drag of his cigarette. This easy friendship between him and Koki was something he felt uneasy about. It would make things so much less complicated if he hated Koki, but he did not. The reality was that he liked Koki very much, and it was killing him.
“We’re going to have to go up there eventually you know, for good TV and member love sort of shit,” Koki said as he flicked his cigarette stub on the ground and stepped on it.
Member love. How ironic, Jin thought, as he looked up after stubbing out his own stick. To the audience of Cartoon KAT-TUN, he was looking on in amusement, mixed with a little bit of annoyance, at Nakamaru, but in actual fact, he was looking at someone else entirely. Jin sighed as he watched Koki take the first steps towards the tower and figured he should follow. Did he really have to?
They were right. Wimpy Maru chickened out.
“Get Kamenashi-kun to do it,” one of the production staff egged Jin and Jin did what he was told, feeling slightly numb at the mention of Kame’s name.
“My Kame can do anything,” Koki remarked with pride in his voice before projecting it further to call out to Kame as well. Jin felt constipated and nauseated at the same time. Jin went through the motions of good television, participating, and counting down, all the while feeling sick at the sight of Kame perched at the edge of the platform. Beautiful was all Jin could think as Kame launched himself gracefully off the platform. The adoration in Jin’s eyes was genuine. His Kazuya can do anything, he thought.
***
“Jin? Are you in there? Oh.”
Kame had to swallow to regain his coherency when Jin opened the door of his hotel room, hair wet and dressed only in a rather flimsy towel tied around his waist.
“Kame,” Surprised, Jin stepped aside to allow Kame to come in. “What are you doing here?”
Clearing his throat, Kame walked towards the windows. He looked out at the night sky for a while, knowing that if he looked anywhere else, he would start to unravel. He heard shuffling in the background. He listened to it for a couple of minutes before turning to catch Jin pulling the last of his clothing, a t-shirt, through his arm. It was only then that Kame felt safe enough to speak.
“I need your help. Downstairs. At the bar.”
“Oh, so that’s where my roomie went.”
“Yeah. He was still shaken from the bungee attempt and wanted some alcohol to calm his nerves.”
“Can’t you manage by yourself? I’m kinda tired,” Jin had wanted to fake a yawn, but it came out real.
“Koki’s with him. I can’t manage them both. Ueda shot me a death glare when I bothered him in the gym, and Taguchi is not opening the hotel room door. I suspect he’s sitting on the toilet with his PSP.” Kame chuckled slightly at the image, “so you’ll have to do.”
“Right. Sure.”
After about half an hour of negotiating with drunkards, which was always not a good idea and resulted in Jin and Kame drinking 4 shots of tequila each, they managed to heave 2 heavy, uncooperative bodies back into Jin’s room, it was nearest the elevators after all. Jin sat on the bed and dropped Nakamaru, whom he was piggy-backing, roughly down. Maru did not even stir. He was out cold.
Jin rushed over to help Kame, who was not having a very easy time with drunk Koki. Koki was clinging and Kame was feeling the strain. Jin took over, prying Koki away from Kame, and flopped him on the other bed closer to the door, where Koki groaned, holding his head.
Watching Kame catch his breath, Jin whispered, “Let me know when you’re ready to bring him to your room.”
Kame smiled endearingly at Koki who had curled up in the foetal position and was muttering nonsense to no one in particular.
“Nah, let him stay here. He’s clingy and horny when drunk and I really want my sleep tonight. He’ll fall asleep soon enough, when he realizes he’s alone in bed.”
Too much information, Jin really did not have to know that.
“All well and good Kame, but Koki’s on my bed.”
“We have no choice do we? You’ll just have to spend the night with me in my room.”
What?
***
Against his better judgement, Jin followed Kame across the hall to his room. His eyes widened when he realized that Kame’s room was decorated differently from the one he just left. For one thing, instead of 2 twin beds, in their place, was a double bed. Maybe it was not that shocking, Kame and Koki were a couple after all, what was shocking was the fact that Kame suggested that he bunk in with him.
What did this all mean? The alcohol in Jin’s system was clouding his senses a little, even though he was sober enough to hear the alarm bells in his head.
Maybe it was the alcohol talking. Kame had no idea how he could have been so bold to have suggested what he did. But it felt good to let go of all the trepidation he had been carrying for the past month, even for a little while. He climbed onto his side of the bed and looked expectantly at Jin. It had been a long time since they shared a room together during work, ever since….ever since, before LA. And now, there Jin was, standing in a corner, looking like sex itself.
Suddenly, as though something clicked into place, Kame’s emotions turned. He remembered the pain of abandonment. He remembered how much he struggled to climb to the top. He remembered how Jin, Jin who left him, came back, and suddenly success and popularity was not his alone to take. He watched as Jin weighed his sleeping options before him, in obvious awkwardness and turmoil, and there and then, Kame had the answer he had been searching for these past couple of weeks.
Unlike 2 years ago, where he was a love sick puppy that needed Jin oxygen to survive, he was now well aware that he did not need Jin.
But he wanted Jin.
He wanted to turn Jin’s life upside down and inside out, just as what Jin had done to him. He wanted Jin to surrender himself to him, to bare all, to fall hopelessly, so that Kame could strip him of everything, until everyone saw the imperfect Jin that broke his heart when he left. Kame wanted the power, he wanted the control. It was all he was now, Jin had made him that way.
“Err…I think I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“Don’t be silly. You’ll throw your back out. I can’t have an unsuccessful concert because I let you sleep on the couch.”
Of course, it was always about work. Jin frowned.
“C’mere,” Kame patted the empty space on the bed beside him.
Jin walked up to the bed, still reluctant, even though his body seemed to have a mind of its own. Kame reached out, and Jin allowed himself to be led under the covers. Once tucked in, Jin tried resisting again by inching himself as close to the edge of the bed as possible. He did not want a repeat of that night. He knew now that it was a huge mistake, and he was thankful that Koki did not find out, that Kame had been decent enough to not talk about it.
But all resistance went out the window when Kame cuddled up and placed a hand on his groin. Jin groaned as Kame’s deft fingers made quick work of his jeans’ button and zipper, worming their way through the slit of Jin’s boxers to coax an erection out of him.
“Kame…” Jin panted, turning to catch lust dancing in Kame’s eyes, “What…are…you…ah…doing?”
“I want you,” Kame said softly but surely into his ear even as he replaced his gentle caressing with a hand wrapped firmly around his cock, pumping, pumping, “Isn’t that the answer you wanted to hear?” Kame growled sensually and bit gently down on his earlobe.
Every single strand of hair on his body stood on ends as Jin arched his body in reaction to Kame’s actions.
“Kazuya…..earrghh…..Kazuya…..”
“Say it again, my name, say it again,” Kame leaned in for an intense kiss, refusing to think about the meaning of the warm shiver caused by Jin’s voice calling his name.
“Kazuya,” Jin whispered against his lips, hands searching out for Kame, taking hold of his arms, stroking them gently up and down, and Kame let himself get lost, lost in those arms, that scent, that voice that said his name, lost in every bit of Akanishi Jin.