The Question Isn't Where (Community, Ensemble)
Title: The Question Isn't Where
Author: blithers
Show: Community
Pairing/Character: Ensemble.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Season 3, Episode 1 "Biology 101" of Community, as well as all current broadcast episodes of Inspector Spacetime
Word Count: 1358
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Also Posted At: AO3
Author's Note: Errors and inconsistencies with future and current Inspector Spacetime fanon and canon are pretty much guaranteed. (Also, fandom is amazing.) And as always, thank you to my amazing beta readers htbthomas and dearygirl!
Summary: "Blorgons," says Abed knowingly, settling his bowler hat securely on his head. "They never learn." (Or, Troy and Abed throw an Inspector Spacetime party.)
"Abed!" Britta jumps through the door as soon as it opens, hugging Abed before stepping back to admire his outfit. "Nice work, Inspector. And Constable!"
"The question isn't where," Abed intones solemnly, black bowler at the ready, sticking one hand into the breast pocket of his tan trench coat and staring out at the distance, "but when."
"He's saying that to everybody when they arrive," explains Troy as Abed continues to gaze portentously out the open door. "Who are you supposed to be, Jeff?"
Jeff glances down at his suit, neatly pressed with the top shirt button casually undone. "I'm the Postmaster."
"You mean the Sergeant."
"Whatever. The point is, I'm in disguise as a well-dressed former lawyer who is taking a break from law to do various awesome things. Also, I'm currently stopwatched or whatever it is, so I don't remember anything about the show or my character."
"Alarm clocked," Abed auto-corrects.
Jeff shrugs philosophically. "Couldn't tell you. Can't remember."
"Well, I'm Lily Taylor," says Britta proudly, flipping back her blonde hair and shoving her hands into the pockets of her oversize denim overalls.
"It is charming that you apparently decided to go for the least flattering outfit in Lily's wardrobe," says Jeff, eyeing her critically.
"It's authentic," she snaps. "And that's more than I can say for you, Mr. I-Don't-Even-Know-If-I'm-The-Postmaster-Or-The-Sergeant."
"I'm not supposed to know. That's the whole point."
"How convenient."
"Just because you're the person who introduced Abed to the show..."
"I do like to consider myself the proud matriarch of the Inspector Spacetime movement at Greendale."
Troy groans. "You would."
"There you are," says Annie, running in from the living room, "Garrett's threatening to eradicate everybody again. Ab-Inspector, could you tell him to put the eradicating on hold for a bit? He's kind of bringing everybody down."
"Blorgons," says Abed knowingly, settling his bowler hat securely on his head. "They never learn."
"...Yes. Also, he keeps eating all the pretzels."
Abed twirls his optic crowbar and nods to Troy. "Constable, tally ho?"
"Tally ho, Inspector," Troy replies grimly, and the two of them head off in lockstep.
Britta is eyeing Annie's two piece costume with skeptical interest. "Reena, huh?"
Annie flushes happily and twirls her spear. "Do you like it? I think she's fierce."
Britta snorts. "She was a character designed to keep older men watching the show, and only had a spear to give her a thin guise of feminism to excuse the leopard print."
"Don't listen to her, Annie," says Jeff absently, without looking up from his texting. "A woman with a spear always wins in a fight against a woman in overalls."
"Thank you, Jeff."
Jeff looks up then. "Also, nice boobs. I'd get up early on a Saturday morning to watch that."
Annie glares at him, and Britta rolls her eyes.
"Annie?" Shirley pokes her head in the foyer, and brightens when she sees the three of them. "Oh, Jeff! Britta! I'm glad everybody's here. Come on in, we're trying to take a picture of the study group with Troy and Abed's DARSIT."
"I hope Abed isn't going to expect us to all fit inside," says Jeff skeptically, slipping his phone into his suit coat pocket.
Annie sidles up to Britta and whispers, "I haven't figured out who Shirley is yet."
"I'm not sure," Britta replies in a low voice, examining the back of Shirley's costume closely as she leads them into the living room. "The Fourth Inspector? She has the socks."
"My guess was Third. There's also the ascot."
"That's funny," whispers Jeff sarcastically, "I was so sure she was the Seventh Inspector."
"Come on, Jeff, do you see any exclamation marks? No? Then I don't think so then."
Garrett is sitting disconsolately on the couch in the living room, the cardboard Blorgon death ray in his chest looking distinctly worse for the wear, while Troy is re-adjusting Abed's bowler hat in the corner, carefully putting it back in order. On the other side of the room Vicki and Neil are chatting, in matching Angie Lake and Rory Williams costumes, and Chang perches on the back of the sofa, stroking his chin thoughtfully with a prosthetic green hand.
The full-scale replica of the DARSIT that Troy and Abed constructed out of plywood and supplies left over from the latest theater department production (Twelfth Night, with an all-male firefighter cast) sits in the corner, painted a cheerful bright red. The phrase 'GOOD LAMB' is hand written in white letters at the bottom of the DARSIT frame.
"Gummi bear?" asks Shirley, holding out a paper bag with the top rolled down, and Britta catches Annie's eye and nods slightly.
"Thanks, Fourth Inspector," Britta announces carefully, giving everybody a significant look, and Troy glances back and forth between Shirley and Abed with renewed interest.
"If you're both Inspectors, doesn't that cause, like, some sort of space time paradox?"
"Actually, there's precedent for this. In the serial Five Inspectors, One DARSIT, all of the living Inspectors were transported..."
Jeff claps his hands together sharply. "...Aaand nerd history lesson over. Let's get this picture taken. Where's Pierce?"
"Here," says a voice from the shadows, and both Annie and Shirley jump and scream in unison.
"Damn it, Pierce," snaps Shirley, "you can't be scaring people like that."
Pierce pulls up his lion mask, spray-painted grey. "Isn't that the point? To scare the kids so they try to crawl under the couch?"
"Aren't you supposed to be a statue?" asks Britta pointedly. "Doesn't that mean you can't talk or move?"
"Yeah, maybe I can't walk or talk, but you also can't look at me," retorts Pierce defiantly as pulls the mask back down and arranges his grey robes around him, pulling back into the shadow of the DARSIT again.
"Done," says Jeff, who sets himself to studiously ignoring Pierce.
"Abed had to hold my hand when we watched Stare," Troy whispers, carefully trying to avoid looking at Pierce.
Annie sighs and pats Troy's hand. "Of course he did."
"O-kaay," Shirley trills, "picture time! Everybody in front of the DARSIT." She hands her camera to Magnitude, dressed as a Circuit-Chap in tin foil and dreadlocks.
"Pop pop.... one, two, pop," he points at the group then, who dutifully repeats, "Pop," as the camera zooms and clicks.
Everybody us starting to move apart when Abed holds up his hand. "Wait. I'd like one more picture inside the DARSIT," says Abed.
"I knew it."
"It's traditional. Also, there's always room for..."
"...Always room for one more, yeah, I know."
"Why isn't this thing bigger on the inside?"
"You can't go around just doing things without having a reason. Why would it be bigger on the inside? It doesn't make any sense. Shirley, there's room to the left of Jeff."
"Maybe if the Constable would move over a bit."
"Uff. Watch it there."
"That's my elbow."
"Sure that's your elbow."
"You know, the bowler really is pretty effective in close quarters. No brim."
"Oh, you know what they say. Bowlers are neat."
"Are we all in yet?"
"Almost... there."
"We're in. Take the damn picture, Magnitude."
"Nobody breathe."
"...and one... two... pop pop!"
Everybody exhales and stumbles out of the plywood DARSIT at once, like clowns out of a clown car. "I don't know how the Inspector and all those Associates did it when they had the big reunion episodes," says Shirley, straightening out her ascot and patting her hair.
"One word," says Jeff. "Acting."
"Another word for you. Gay."
"Thanks, Pierce."
"Inspector. Associates."
"No really. We get it."
"This is what I'm here for, Jeffrey."
"Aaanyway, I think it's time to start the episode now that everybody's here." Annie turns on the television set with easy familiarity and motions everybody in the living room to settle in. Vicki and Neil share the love seat while everybody else squeezes into the old sofa and or takes up residence on the pillows that litter the apartment floor.
Britta claps her hands and Abed turns the lights down as the theme music starts.
"I love this show."
"Shh. It's starting. Also, we know. We love the show too."
Author: blithers
Show: Community
Pairing/Character: Ensemble.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Season 3, Episode 1 "Biology 101" of Community, as well as all current broadcast episodes of Inspector Spacetime
Word Count: 1358
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Also Posted At: AO3
Author's Note: Errors and inconsistencies with future and current Inspector Spacetime fanon and canon are pretty much guaranteed. (Also, fandom is amazing.) And as always, thank you to my amazing beta readers htbthomas and dearygirl!
Summary: "Blorgons," says Abed knowingly, settling his bowler hat securely on his head. "They never learn." (Or, Troy and Abed throw an Inspector Spacetime party.)
"Abed!" Britta jumps through the door as soon as it opens, hugging Abed before stepping back to admire his outfit. "Nice work, Inspector. And Constable!"
"The question isn't where," Abed intones solemnly, black bowler at the ready, sticking one hand into the breast pocket of his tan trench coat and staring out at the distance, "but when."
"He's saying that to everybody when they arrive," explains Troy as Abed continues to gaze portentously out the open door. "Who are you supposed to be, Jeff?"
Jeff glances down at his suit, neatly pressed with the top shirt button casually undone. "I'm the Postmaster."
"You mean the Sergeant."
"Whatever. The point is, I'm in disguise as a well-dressed former lawyer who is taking a break from law to do various awesome things. Also, I'm currently stopwatched or whatever it is, so I don't remember anything about the show or my character."
"Alarm clocked," Abed auto-corrects.
Jeff shrugs philosophically. "Couldn't tell you. Can't remember."
"Well, I'm Lily Taylor," says Britta proudly, flipping back her blonde hair and shoving her hands into the pockets of her oversize denim overalls.
"It is charming that you apparently decided to go for the least flattering outfit in Lily's wardrobe," says Jeff, eyeing her critically.
"It's authentic," she snaps. "And that's more than I can say for you, Mr. I-Don't-Even-Know-If-I'm-The-Postmaster-Or-The-Sergeant."
"I'm not supposed to know. That's the whole point."
"How convenient."
"Just because you're the person who introduced Abed to the show..."
"I do like to consider myself the proud matriarch of the Inspector Spacetime movement at Greendale."
Troy groans. "You would."
"There you are," says Annie, running in from the living room, "Garrett's threatening to eradicate everybody again. Ab-Inspector, could you tell him to put the eradicating on hold for a bit? He's kind of bringing everybody down."
"Blorgons," says Abed knowingly, settling his bowler hat securely on his head. "They never learn."
"...Yes. Also, he keeps eating all the pretzels."
Abed twirls his optic crowbar and nods to Troy. "Constable, tally ho?"
"Tally ho, Inspector," Troy replies grimly, and the two of them head off in lockstep.
Britta is eyeing Annie's two piece costume with skeptical interest. "Reena, huh?"
Annie flushes happily and twirls her spear. "Do you like it? I think she's fierce."
Britta snorts. "She was a character designed to keep older men watching the show, and only had a spear to give her a thin guise of feminism to excuse the leopard print."
"Don't listen to her, Annie," says Jeff absently, without looking up from his texting. "A woman with a spear always wins in a fight against a woman in overalls."
"Thank you, Jeff."
Jeff looks up then. "Also, nice boobs. I'd get up early on a Saturday morning to watch that."
Annie glares at him, and Britta rolls her eyes.
"Annie?" Shirley pokes her head in the foyer, and brightens when she sees the three of them. "Oh, Jeff! Britta! I'm glad everybody's here. Come on in, we're trying to take a picture of the study group with Troy and Abed's DARSIT."
"I hope Abed isn't going to expect us to all fit inside," says Jeff skeptically, slipping his phone into his suit coat pocket.
Annie sidles up to Britta and whispers, "I haven't figured out who Shirley is yet."
"I'm not sure," Britta replies in a low voice, examining the back of Shirley's costume closely as she leads them into the living room. "The Fourth Inspector? She has the socks."
"My guess was Third. There's also the ascot."
"That's funny," whispers Jeff sarcastically, "I was so sure she was the Seventh Inspector."
"Come on, Jeff, do you see any exclamation marks? No? Then I don't think so then."
Garrett is sitting disconsolately on the couch in the living room, the cardboard Blorgon death ray in his chest looking distinctly worse for the wear, while Troy is re-adjusting Abed's bowler hat in the corner, carefully putting it back in order. On the other side of the room Vicki and Neil are chatting, in matching Angie Lake and Rory Williams costumes, and Chang perches on the back of the sofa, stroking his chin thoughtfully with a prosthetic green hand.
The full-scale replica of the DARSIT that Troy and Abed constructed out of plywood and supplies left over from the latest theater department production (Twelfth Night, with an all-male firefighter cast) sits in the corner, painted a cheerful bright red. The phrase 'GOOD LAMB' is hand written in white letters at the bottom of the DARSIT frame.
"Gummi bear?" asks Shirley, holding out a paper bag with the top rolled down, and Britta catches Annie's eye and nods slightly.
"Thanks, Fourth Inspector," Britta announces carefully, giving everybody a significant look, and Troy glances back and forth between Shirley and Abed with renewed interest.
"If you're both Inspectors, doesn't that cause, like, some sort of space time paradox?"
"Actually, there's precedent for this. In the serial Five Inspectors, One DARSIT, all of the living Inspectors were transported..."
Jeff claps his hands together sharply. "...Aaand nerd history lesson over. Let's get this picture taken. Where's Pierce?"
"Here," says a voice from the shadows, and both Annie and Shirley jump and scream in unison.
"Damn it, Pierce," snaps Shirley, "you can't be scaring people like that."
Pierce pulls up his lion mask, spray-painted grey. "Isn't that the point? To scare the kids so they try to crawl under the couch?"
"Aren't you supposed to be a statue?" asks Britta pointedly. "Doesn't that mean you can't talk or move?"
"Yeah, maybe I can't walk or talk, but you also can't look at me," retorts Pierce defiantly as pulls the mask back down and arranges his grey robes around him, pulling back into the shadow of the DARSIT again.
"Done," says Jeff, who sets himself to studiously ignoring Pierce.
"Abed had to hold my hand when we watched Stare," Troy whispers, carefully trying to avoid looking at Pierce.
Annie sighs and pats Troy's hand. "Of course he did."
"O-kaay," Shirley trills, "picture time! Everybody in front of the DARSIT." She hands her camera to Magnitude, dressed as a Circuit-Chap in tin foil and dreadlocks.
"Pop pop.... one, two, pop," he points at the group then, who dutifully repeats, "Pop," as the camera zooms and clicks.
Everybody us starting to move apart when Abed holds up his hand. "Wait. I'd like one more picture inside the DARSIT," says Abed.
"I knew it."
"It's traditional. Also, there's always room for..."
"...Always room for one more, yeah, I know."
"Why isn't this thing bigger on the inside?"
"You can't go around just doing things without having a reason. Why would it be bigger on the inside? It doesn't make any sense. Shirley, there's room to the left of Jeff."
"Maybe if the Constable would move over a bit."
"Uff. Watch it there."
"That's my elbow."
"Sure that's your elbow."
"You know, the bowler really is pretty effective in close quarters. No brim."
"Oh, you know what they say. Bowlers are neat."
"Are we all in yet?"
"Almost... there."
"We're in. Take the damn picture, Magnitude."
"Nobody breathe."
"...and one... two... pop pop!"
Everybody exhales and stumbles out of the plywood DARSIT at once, like clowns out of a clown car. "I don't know how the Inspector and all those Associates did it when they had the big reunion episodes," says Shirley, straightening out her ascot and patting her hair.
"One word," says Jeff. "Acting."
"Another word for you. Gay."
"Thanks, Pierce."
"Inspector. Associates."
"No really. We get it."
"This is what I'm here for, Jeffrey."
"Aaanyway, I think it's time to start the episode now that everybody's here." Annie turns on the television set with easy familiarity and motions everybody in the living room to settle in. Vicki and Neil share the love seat while everybody else squeezes into the old sofa and or takes up residence on the pillows that litter the apartment floor.
Britta claps her hands and Abed turns the lights down as the theme music starts.
"I love this show."
"Shh. It's starting. Also, we know. We love the show too."