Loneliness Rant
I'm not going to lock this to my friend's list, as I know I have people who read this who aren't on LJ. I will stick it behind a cut, though, so it doesn't spill all over everyone.
I had a not so nice end to my work day today. I went in to our break room on my late break and there were three fellow techs at another table and I did make a complaint about an ongoing issue I've been having with my employee line, where there was a missing payment. I had yet another call from whoever was working on the case to Jody's phone, telling me to call in to customer care, but had my manager check the case and it didn't have any notes on it as to _why_ I was supposed to call. So I made a flippant comment to these three colleagues along the lines of how I couldn't understand why they wanted me to call in yet again if they didn't put any notes on it to explain the issue to the person I'd be talking to. And one of the women turned and said, "I'm on my lunch break right now and I'd rather talk about something pleasant." Later, she sent me two IM's through our company chat service, basically telling me that I need to cut down on the negativity and stop butting in to other people's conversations all of the time.
I guess to give a bit of back history, I was recently transferred from one tech team to another. I sat around people who's company I enjoyed for the most part, with the exception of this woman's fiance. I got moved to a corner area, where there are only two people within close conversation distance. And the only time they talk to me is when nobody else is there for them to talk to. They're all buddies with the people around them, and I'm the outsider trying to fit in. Most of the time, the only time I get to be a part of a conversation is if I do butt in.
And on the other hand, I know I have been negative lately. I hate it here in Tulsa. I'm miserable, and I don't have any friends here. There's nobody that I can call up and go have coffee with, or invite over. I never get invited to go out with anyone. Everywhere I go, at work or at church, people already seem to have all of their friendships established. I try to be friendly to people. I try to take an interest in them and their kids and families. Our house is finished enough so that we can invite other people over, and I'm trying to invite over people from church.
But I've yet to find my niche. It's different here. Anywhere else I've lived, I've been a student or had a job where I was in close contact with people and was able to make friends. And I'm not sure if it's just all husbands, but Jody is not a good replacement for a girlfriend. So I end up feeling isolated and depressed. It's hard to keep a positive outlook when you're lonely and your only family and friends live thousands of miles away. And then, when I'm depressed, I have a hard time reaching out to the people that I think _do_ like me, who are thousands of miles away. And then I feel so bad for not staying in touch that I find it almost impossible to contact them. So it's just an endless loop of loneliness and depression that makes me unhappy and leads to me not treating the people around me the way I should. I'm just not sure what to do about it. I'm not the type of person who finds it easy to make friends because I've faced too much rejection. Casual friendships tend to come fairly easily, but not the deep kind of friendship and companionship that I feel that I need. Sigh. Will take my frustrations out on the treadmill and lose myself in a book.
I had a not so nice end to my work day today. I went in to our break room on my late break and there were three fellow techs at another table and I did make a complaint about an ongoing issue I've been having with my employee line, where there was a missing payment. I had yet another call from whoever was working on the case to Jody's phone, telling me to call in to customer care, but had my manager check the case and it didn't have any notes on it as to _why_ I was supposed to call. So I made a flippant comment to these three colleagues along the lines of how I couldn't understand why they wanted me to call in yet again if they didn't put any notes on it to explain the issue to the person I'd be talking to. And one of the women turned and said, "I'm on my lunch break right now and I'd rather talk about something pleasant." Later, she sent me two IM's through our company chat service, basically telling me that I need to cut down on the negativity and stop butting in to other people's conversations all of the time.
I guess to give a bit of back history, I was recently transferred from one tech team to another. I sat around people who's company I enjoyed for the most part, with the exception of this woman's fiance. I got moved to a corner area, where there are only two people within close conversation distance. And the only time they talk to me is when nobody else is there for them to talk to. They're all buddies with the people around them, and I'm the outsider trying to fit in. Most of the time, the only time I get to be a part of a conversation is if I do butt in.
And on the other hand, I know I have been negative lately. I hate it here in Tulsa. I'm miserable, and I don't have any friends here. There's nobody that I can call up and go have coffee with, or invite over. I never get invited to go out with anyone. Everywhere I go, at work or at church, people already seem to have all of their friendships established. I try to be friendly to people. I try to take an interest in them and their kids and families. Our house is finished enough so that we can invite other people over, and I'm trying to invite over people from church.
But I've yet to find my niche. It's different here. Anywhere else I've lived, I've been a student or had a job where I was in close contact with people and was able to make friends. And I'm not sure if it's just all husbands, but Jody is not a good replacement for a girlfriend. So I end up feeling isolated and depressed. It's hard to keep a positive outlook when you're lonely and your only family and friends live thousands of miles away. And then, when I'm depressed, I have a hard time reaching out to the people that I think _do_ like me, who are thousands of miles away. And then I feel so bad for not staying in touch that I find it almost impossible to contact them. So it's just an endless loop of loneliness and depression that makes me unhappy and leads to me not treating the people around me the way I should. I'm just not sure what to do about it. I'm not the type of person who finds it easy to make friends because I've faced too much rejection. Casual friendships tend to come fairly easily, but not the deep kind of friendship and companionship that I feel that I need. Sigh. Will take my frustrations out on the treadmill and lose myself in a book.