im just so tired...
And i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think that they'd understand
when everythings made to be broken
i just want you to know who
i know everyone complains about life and all that crap....and im usually good at keeping it in. But tonite was just too many more realizations of how I have just screwed up. I don’t know how im like this….i can’t even fully enjoy myself without feeling guilty. The pressures of well my entire life are so intense, I cant concentrate. With the whole school and colledge thing, down to church and religion, down to how my parents are. I know I could have it better but I feel so stupid.I used to apprently do everything right. Tonite I went to Spanish tutoring….never in my life did I ever think I would need a tutor for anything. Not only is it a crappy waste of 40 bucks an hour…..i feel PATHETICALLY STUPID…I can’t get it and I don’t want to get it…..why do kids “have” to learn certain things, I mean I understand we need to be knowlagable and have a varity of everything…but I think I know that well im not going to do anything with Spanish in my life….why can’t I have the choice to stop now?? Why cant I have a choice for anything anymore? I don’t have any choices!!!! I hate living a life where nothing I do is worth doing. Im not good at anything that really counts. And what really counts anyways?? Who said that you need colledge to be worth anything? Who said that a 4.0 is the best? Why do we live our lifes according to other peoples standards of what’s good? Why should the kid who just doesn’t get it have to feel like crap? My mother didn’t go to colledge and I know she is one of the happiest people on this earth…..nowadays esp in school I wonder who really is defining what we are. Cuz right now I know I would be going to school taking classes im enjoying learning things that really matter….how come they don’t teach about family and love and other things? Why cant we decide what we learn. I HATE MATH! I WILL NEVER DO MATH in MY LIFE! Why do I have to learn it? Who said everyone HAS to know this? Why do I care so much…?? I just have a headache…..im tired…..im tired of always smiling….im tired of worrying about my future when im 16 years old.... IM 16 YEARS OLD and im worrying???? Im 16 years old and I should be enjoying my life to the fullest, not planning out my next 6 years of my life!!!!....plus my future should be written as I grow, cuz right now there are too many kids who are 16 years old, and live like there 40. I have a headache im tired im cranky. I feel stupid for wirting this on stupid LJ but i had to complain to sumone.....i know im not the only one who feels like this....but every single night i get about 2-4 hours of sleep i wake up @ 5:00 am go to seminary go to piano lessons go to school where im reminding how im going to fail at life then i got to sum sport pratctice or church function where i come hom and get yelled at and hassled with questions and when im not nice about it get in trouble....where i stay up late half finishing doing homework when i got to bed to wake up and start all over.....i feel lie crap im sick and im just tired okay....im tired. And im done. i want to crawl under my bed and sleep forever.