A Very Arrow Christmas
A Very Arrow Christmas
by Bloodsong & Dark Empress
Authors' Note:
Bloodsong conceived this crack and brought the Dark Empress on board, just to brighten up your holiday season! And, hey, after the mid-season finale, it needs some brightening up! Enjoy this touching family spectacle starring Thea, Oliver, and Malcolm.
PS: We didn't have anything to do with the bonus Christmas Carol at the end! Don't know where that came from. :X
Christmas Eve, Thea's Loft
"Thea, I'm back!" Oliver shouldered the door open, since his arms were full. "Why did you order so much stuff? We can feed a whole army with all this f--!" He froze in mid-word as he turned and saw Malcolm Merlyn standing there, large as life, in Thea's living room. He wore a simple cardigan and slacks, and a shocked look on his face that must have mirrored Oliver's own.
The older man blinked and recovered first. "Hullo, Oliver," he said with mock cheeriness.
"Don't 'hullo' me," Oliver replied, moving to dump the bags on the side table so he could have his hands free to fight. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Thea invited me," Merlyn said defensively. Then his voice darkened. "She didn't mention you'd be joining us."
"I live here," Oliver growled. Well, he freeloaded on his sister. Freeloaded, technically, on Merlyn's blood money. Perhaps it hadn't been politic to mention that. "Thea!" he called, shooting a warning glare at Malcolm.
She came down the hall. "Oh good, you're back."
"What is he doing here?"
She sighed. "I want to spend Christmas Eve with my family, Ollie. I know you do, too."
"I am not related to him!"
"He's my father. And you're my half-brother. That makes him your half-father... in-law. Or something, so get used to it."
"But--!"
She gave him that stubborn princess look.
"But--!"
She wasn't budging. Oliver threw a desperate look Malcolm's way, but he seemed bemused by the whole situation. Oh, he thought this was funny? "Did you forget what he's done?"
"Ollie, enough. I know." Her dark eyes pleaded with him. "Can we not have just one night of Peace on Earth, Good Will to all Men?"
He bit his lip. "Well...."
"Good!" She grabbed the bags. "You two make nice for a bit while I get dinner ready." She flashed a triumphant grin.
"Make-- wait, what?"
"You can do that for two minutes, can't you?" She flashed her grin again, but this time it was more threatening.
"Uh... I mean, yeah!" He smiled broadly.
"Good!" She made her escape to the kitchen.
Oliver kept smiling until she was out of sight. Then he stalked over to 'make nice' with Merlyn. "You said you'd keep your distance," he hissed.
"I have. I told you, she invited me." Merlyn feigned innocence.
That had to be a load of bull, but it was too late for that particular battle. Oliver had more pressing concerns."One word out of you about me being the Arrow...!"
Malcolm's brows went up. "You haven't told her yet?"
"I'm working on it," he snapped defensively. "Just keep your mouth shut if you know what's good for you."
"All right." Malcolm tried not to smirk too hard. Sure, buddy; you keep racking up those negative points, he secretly thought to himself. But he saw a perfect opportunity as well. "I give you my word, I won't say anything to Thea about your... clandestine activities. Just as long as you leave my involvement in the sabotaging of 'The Gambit' out of any and all conversations with your sister."
Oh ho, a weakness. Oliver filed that away. "Done." Once he broke the truth to Thea about being the Arrow, this deal with Merlyn was screwed.
Malcolm extended a hand. "Let's shake on it, then."
Oliver narrowed his eyes. "Yes. Let's."
He closed in and seized Malcolm's hand in a crushing grip. The magnate tried to crush back, a faint snarl of effort on his face.
Thea wished she'd had the foresight to set up a surveillance camera in the living room, or at least a bug. She was dying to know what those two were saying to each other. Plus, of course, it would have been handy to know if they started to kill each other, so she could run in and put a stop to it, but oh well. They'd both survived this long, a few minutes shouldn't give them too much trouble.
She unpacked the food, and then bent to pull a few bottles out of the lower cupboard courtesy of club Verdant. Everything on this menu that could be spiked would be spiked, from the wine vinaigrette on the salad, to the Jack Daniels hot sauce on the chicken, to the supposedly 'light' dinner wine, to the rum cake. And, to top it off, the perennial classic -- she upended a vodka bottle into the egg nog.
She cocked an ear towards the living room. It was quiet -- too quiet. Well, at least they weren't trashing the place. She took the first tray out to the dining room table.
When she checked on them on her way back to the kitchen, she found Ollie and her dad gripping each other's hand and glaring daggers. "You guys better not be playing Mercy over there!"
They suddenly broke apart with a simultaneous, "No!" They affected to look innocent, though she spied Malcolm surreptitiously trying to shake his hand out.
She decided to let that pass. "Dinner's ready! Make sure you wash up."
The dining table was decorated with a seasonal centerpiece of pine boughs and ribbons. Thea lit the three white candles in silver holders. Hopefully, the threat of fire would keep the two men from leaping over the table and killing each other.
"Everything looks lovely," Malcolm said.
"Yes, it does," Oliver added.
"Thank you." She smiled at them. They all turned their attention to the salad greens a moment. Thea wasn't sure how she could get them talking, or if she could get them talking, but then Malcolm decided to open with an apparently friendly casual conversation.
"So, Oliver. How have you been?"
"I, um...." He paused to swallow a piece of lettuce and clear his throat. "All right. Better now that Thea is home."
Malcolm nodded. "And you, Thea? How are you finding Starling City?"
"Not as bad as I expected," she admitted after a moment of thought.
Oliver said, "And how's life as a fugitive from justice working out for you?"
Malcolm grimaced. "It leaves a lot to be desired," he admitted, shooting the young man a venomous glare. He stabbed his salad with the fork. "I understand you no longer work at Queen Consolidated. That's a shame." He could barely keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "Though I hear Mr. Palmer has some fantastic plans for rebuilding Starling City, making it a better place."
"Why yes, he does." Oliver smiled tightly. "And gee, he didn't have to level half the city to do that."
That scored a point. Malcolm scowled and gulped at his wine. "I'm sure it's easy to rebuild something once the groundwork has already been done," he scoffed. "But we were talking about your employment. Or lack thereof. Have you found a new job yet?"
"Uh, no."
"What sector were you looking to get into?"
"I'm keeping my options open."
"Well, technology is big, though rather crowded. Palmer of course has a huge head start in that area. Do you have any technical skills?"
"Not, really, no." Oliver poked at his salad.
"Management?"
"Maybe. I did manage the club."
Even Thea couldn't help snorting at that one. "You did?"
"I did! For a while." Oliver frowned and murdered a tomato.
Malcolm smiled nicely. "Managed a dance club and became CEO of a Fortune 500 company. That could look impressive on your resume'." Then he smirked to drop the bomb. "If you hadn't abandoned the club, and never showed up for your office job. How many times did the board vote you out of the CEO position? Twice, wasn't it?"
Oliver ground his teeth.
"Perhaps I can recommend some companies. Where’ve you considered trying?"
Oliver waited a beat, struggling to come up with something, but his voice sounded confident enough when he answered. "Clarkson and Bruce seemed like a good option.”
"Clarkson and Bruce…?" Malcolm quirked a brow. "Really? What do you think of their investment strategy?”
Oliver had no clue about investment strategies. “It seemed healthy in the past few years," he hedged.
“Maybe you should go into sports," was Malcolm’s blunt response. "Stick with what you know. Fencing?”
"I really... don't have... any sports talents." Oliver flicked a glance in Thea's direction. This must be killing him not to be able to say anything about his physical abilities.
She smiled. "Maybe you should take up archery. Who knows? You might be good at it." Malcolm was trying not to snicker. Thea set herself a goal of making him lose it at least once tonight.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"You're so serious!" Thea laughed. "Honestly, I was just joking, Ollie. You and archery? You'd shoot yourself in the foot."
"Yeah, probably," he said with a strained smile.
Malcolm almost had a coughing fit. He gulped his drink. Then he asked Oliver, "What did you major in, at college?"
Well, at least her dad was having fun. He well knew Oliver's checkered history with colleges. Thea just watched him torment the poor guy. He enjoyed it way too much.
Having run out of salad, Oliver grabbed his wine. "I never really finished."
"Do you... actually have any job skills?"
“I have many skills!”
"Such as?"
Oliver floundered for a minute. His knuckles went white on his wine glass, and Thea considered rescuing him. Then he set the glass down, very carefully. "I was shipwrecked," he growled quietly, "on an island. For five years. You'll have to excuse me if I have some difficulties readjusting to civilization."
An awkward silence followed this pronouncement. Malcolm glanced at Thea, then looked to Oliver. "I'm sorry," he said. His voice was deep with heartfelt remorse. That was odd. Thea wondered what that was about. She wouldn't expect Malcolm to become so moved by Oliver's emotional ploy.
She herself felt bad, but then she remembered how Ollie had lied to her these past two years, and got over it.
Malcolm turned to her. "And how is the night club going?"
"Oh, it's going great. Opening night was a big success." That, she confessed to herself, could have been gawkers wanting to see the club fail spectacularly. But any success counted.
"I'm glad to see Verdant is working out for you," Oliver said.
"That was your former business after all," Malcolm said to him. Clearly he wasn't done skewering the young man. "Looks like it turned out to be a successful venture in the end. Too bad you couldn't reach that goal."
Oliver scowled.
"Which is surprising, really. Considering what a party animal you were."
Oliver gripped his fork as if it were a weapon he was about to aim at Malcolm's eyes.
Thea decided to rescue Oliver and get her own licks in. "I just hired a new DJ," she said as if the two weren't about to start fencing with cutlery. "He's pretty hot."
"Oh?" said Oliver. "What's his name?"
"Actually, I don't know." Thea frowned, recalling the two brief encounters with the brash boy. "We sorta skipped introductions and went straight to the lip-lock."
Malcolm choked on his wine. Oliver just choked.
Thea awarded herself two points. "He's really good at tongue-wrestling."
"Thea!" Oliver said, eyes wide, while Malcolm choked some more.
"What?"
Malcolm said, "You can't just...!"
"What?"
Oliver came in from the other side, "You don't know anything about this guy!"
"What's to know?" she scoffed, taking a sip of her (watered down) drink. "He's hot, he's a good kisser, he has a job. Hey, my last boyfriend was a purse-snatcher! This is definitely a step up."
She got up and topped off their drinks while they were busy turning red. "Let me get our main course." She collected the salad plates and ducked into the kitchen before she started laughing and dropped them.
Malcolm took a long sip of his wine, then broke the silence. “Well, I am glad to learn, while I’ve been keeping my distance from my daughter, her brother had been so concerned about her welfare while performing his nighttime activities, that he's allowed her to have this... DJ person acquaintance!”
“I’m not my sister’s keeper; she insists on being her own person," the boy spat. "And stop giving me this bull about ‘distance.’ You’ve been in this city for months, and I will not believe for a second you haven't been watching her.”
“Clearly, I should have kept a closer watch, since you’ve performed such a bang-up job of watching out for her yourself,” Malcolm growled back.
"Good luck trying to talk sense to her about who she should and should not have relationships with." Oliver sneered at him over the rim of his glass.
"And you're such a good judge, you let her date a common criminal."
"Hey! I told you, I don't 'let' her date anyone. She goes and does whatever she wants."
"Right, you were so disapproving of that Roy character, that not only did you let him date your sister, but you made him your... what is he, your sidekick?"
"He isn't--! I didn't--!" Oliver lowered his voice back to a hiss. "I do not have a sidekick."
"Oh, right. That's Mr. Diggle's job." Malcolm smirked and downed some more of the fine wine.
"I do not...," Oliver started.
"Have 'a sidekick,' right. You have like three now, don't you?"
"You leave my team out of this!"
"Now it's a whole team? You can't handle this job on your own? That's hardly surprising." Malcolm was on a roll, now. "Do you have a PR branch? Rebranding yourself as 'The Arrow'? Lame!"
"Not as lame as trying to name me after some stupid traffic light!"
"You are green."
"You--!"
Whatever Oliver had been about to fire back with was interrupted by Thea's return.
The good thing about big, burly men was that they put away a lot of food, which meant they were chowing on a lot of Jack Daniels sauce. The bad thing about them was that they could hold their liquor. Thea congratulated herself on having the foresight to spice up the chicken even more with extra hot sauce, which encouraged them to drink more wine. They'd polished off two bottles without even blinking.
They seemed to be mellowing out a bit, though they still shot each other venomous glares. There were lively conversations about the state of Starling City, Oliver's former political alliance with Sebastian Blood, and his general taste in friends. Thea steered the topics away from anything particularly painful. She still wanted to get back at Oliver for lying about Slade Wilson, but she didn't want her father skinning him alive. Poor Oliver could hardly fight back and keep his vigilante identity still secret.
Once they began talking about Starling City's future -- or Star City as this Ray Palmer guy wanted to rename it -- they started to argue less. Despite everything, both Oliver and Malcolm had the same goals and ideals. They just couldn't agree on how to achieve their ends without trying to kill each other.
Thea let them work it out. Clearly, they had issues.
When they slowed down on the food and the conversation, Thea smiled and got to her feet. "Time for gifts!" She led them over by the tree.
"Gee," Oliver said in mock sorrow to Malcolm, "I didn't get you anything."
"That's all right. You being destitute and all, while I still have most of my empire intact." He shot back the last of his drink. "I'm just sorry I didn't get you anything. Oh wait... you do have this lovely home that I'm paying for."
"That Thea invited me to stay in."
"Well, it's a good thing one branch of her family still has money."
"Yes," Oliver griped. "Congratulations on being 'Father of the Year.' Sorta like that 'Humanitarian of the Year' award you got. Or did you buy that, too?"
"Guys!" Thea interrupted. "I got you both presents. So behave, or Santa is going to take them back!"
They shut up and looked chagrined. "Sorry," Oliver said. Malcolm just looked at the floor. She handed them their gift-wrapped boxes. They opened them without further comment. Malcolm got a pair of black Italian leather gloves, Oliver a dark blue Dior shirt.
"Thank you, Thea," Malcolm said. A smile crept to his lips. "This was very thoughtful."
"I know how you love to drive like a maniac," she said.
Her dad chuckled, and Oliver shot them both a narrow look. Wow, he could get jealous. Who'd've thought?
"Thank you, Speedy," he said, putting aside his suspicions to try to get into the holiday spirit.
She hugged them both, one then the other, perforce making them stand closer together. "You're welcome, both of you! Now what did you get me?" She grinned in mock greediness.
Oliver produced a small, simply-wrapped box. Inside, Thea found a silver necklace with a four-point star. "Oh, Oliver... it's beautiful! But where did you get money...?" She looked up at him in all seriousness. "You shouldn't have spent money on me."
"I didn't," he confessed. "I... It's sorta home-made." He moved behind her to help her with the clasp.
Malcolm looked at Oliver over Thea's head. He could see the 'star' was made of four arrowheads. Which was beautiful at the same time it was created from a deadly weapon. And Oliver had crafted it with his own hands. For once, he didn't have anything snarky to say to the boy. He didn't want to ruin Thea's Christmas Eve, after all. "You look stunning," he told his daughter.
Thea turned and gave Oliver a big hug before answering. "Thanks, Dad." She beamed. "Now... aside from a lavish apartment, and a redecorated club...." She winked. "Did you bring me something?"
"Yes, I did."
His gift, too, was small, and either professionally wrapped, or he was very neat and completely anal with the wrapping paper. Thea tore it off with youthful abandon, and opened the jewelry box within. Inside was a beautiful antique silver bracelet. She gasped.
“It belonged to Rebecca," he said quietly. "She’d be proud of the woman you are becoming.”
“Oh wow…” She found herself unable to express how touched she felt. “Oh my God. Thank you.” She hesitated a second, then hugged her father tightly.
Oliver watched the two of them embrace for a long moment. For Malcolm to part with something of Rebecca's.... He knew how much his departed wife meant to the man. He looked away awkwardly.
Silence reigned in the room.
"Well," Thea said, pulling away from her dad. "Thank you both. I... I couldn't have asked for a happier Christmas." They actually blushed. She looked from one to the other. "I'm glad you're here with me." She took a steadying breath. "Now we should have a special Christmas cake and the eggnog!"
"More food?" Malcolm asked.
"You can't complain," Thea admonished. "I made this cake special. And I never cook!"
"After living on a deserted island," Oliver said, "you will never hear me complain about free food!" He smiled.
"It's settled, then!" Thea went to get the piece de resistance.
Oliver didn't know what to say or what to do with himself, so he just stared at the twinkling lights on Thea's huge Christmas tree.
"You saved my life, that night," Malcolm said quietly.
"What night?"
"The night of the humanitarian award."
Oliver pursed his lips. "Yeah, well I didn't know who you were, back then. What you were." He folded his arms and still refused to look at the man. "I didn't know you'd end up killing my best friend -- your own son."
"Tommy made a choice, to save the woman he loved."
"Which he wouldn't have had to, if you hadn't wrecked havoc on the city that night." Now he turned his glare on Malcolm. "Do you not feel one ounce of guilt over that?"
"I made my choices. I have to live with those consequences every day." Malcolm's eyes bored back into his. "I don't have the luxury of running away."
Oliver turned away, back to the tree. Two of the ornaments caught his eye. They were old, crude snowmen with the names THEA and OLIVER painted on them with an unsteady hand. Thea had made them back in third grade. She'd been so proud and happy to present his to him as a Christmas gift.
Thea had always looked up to her big brother, loved and worshipped him. Not that he'd deserved it. He'd been selfish, reckless, irresponsible.... He found himself thinking about all the things he had done that he regretted, all the people he'd killed. He wanted to reach out to someone who might understand, but he felt unsure if Merlyn would be the right person. Ah, what the heck, he thought a bit drunkenly. It's Christmas, after all. “I’m not a saint myself, as you well know,” he started.
“Circumstances forced you to do what you had to,” the billionaire admitted, rubbing his head. That was the crux of it all. How would Oliver have reacted in the same circumstances that Merlyn had suffered through?
“I’m sorry about your wife,” Oliver mumbled quietly.
“I’m sorry about your father,” Malcolm whispered back hoarsely.
Oliver felt unusually warm. Perhaps there was something to this 'Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men.' He could at least make an effort.
"Oh my God!" Thea's voice cut through his thoughts. The two men turned to her, quizzical looks on their faces. "Are you guys all right? You're not yelling and glaring at each other!"
They just looked at each other. Then shrugged.
Thea narrowed her eyes. Well, they weren't getting away with that. She was going to ply them with rum cake and spiked eggnog until they were absolutely smashed.
A Little While Later....
"Nooo...," Oliver slurred. "No, I don' wanna pusht a ap-ap-appa on my head for you to shoost it!"
Malcolm peered blearily at the label on the plastic cup. "Ish appasawse. Cuz... you know, Thea doeshn't have any appulz."
No, Thea didn't have any apples in. She sat draped across the armchair with a big bowl of popcorn resting on her tummy. She had a pad of paper and was trying to keep score, but since she didn't want either one of them to see it, she'd swiped some of her dad's invisible ink. Honestly, she didn't know how anyone could write without seeing what they'd written. She was probably making marks on top of the ones that were already there. Actually, she couldn't even tell if the pen was working at all.
"Appashawse is messy!"
"No ish not!"
"Then why can't I shoosh it off your head?"
"Cuz yer not an archer," Malcolm said. Oliver screwed up his face in consternation. "Remember?"
Ollie looked over to Thea.
"Remember?" she prodded him.
"Oh yeah." His face remained all surly.
Thea shook her head and gave him another '-1.' That liar.
Oliver protested petulantly and tried to push Malcolm's hands away as the latter ruffled his hair. "No, go 'way!"
"Come on, ish a classhic!" Malcolm made a little nest in the bristly hair where he planted the applesauce cup, upside down, so it rested on the wide lid. The buzzcut worked fairly well to keep it in place. "Hold shtill...!"
Malcolm got up and turned, teetering dangerously. "Where'sh my bow?"
"I don't think you can shee to shoosh shtrait."
"'Course I can," Malcolm protested, whirling around far too quickly. It must be that assassin agility keeping him on his feet. "I can shee both of you quite clearly!" He shook an emphatic finger in Oliver's general direction. Then he returned to searching for his weapon. "Sweetie, where'sh my bow?" he asked her.
A wicked smile bloomed on Thea's face. "I'll get it." She put the scorecard and popcorn aside and got up to raid the decorations. Fun was fun, but she didn't want to have to deal with dragging Ollie to the ER with an arrow lodged in his skull.
"Here, Dad." She pressed the bow into his hands with a big smile.
He, in turn, frowned down at the shiny gold mylar Christmas bow, blinking owlishly. "No, thish not my bow. I need my bow...."
She patted his hand. "Trust me, this is the only bow you can handle in your condition."
"Bu-u-u-ut...!"
"Put it on."
"Ohhh...," he groaned, but he peeled the backing off the sticker base and plomped it on his head. It stuck precariously to his hair.
Thea beamed up at him, then tugged him by the arm back to the couch. She plucked the applesauce off Ollie's head and replaced it with a green Christmas bow. Malcolm started laughing.
"What?" Ollie demanded. "Speedy, what'd you do to me?"
Thea tried not to snicker. "Nothing!"
Malcolm howled. "Green is so your colour!"
Oliver glared daggers at him.
"Be nice," Thea told her father, slapping him on the arm. He subsided into sniggering giggles. She shoved him down onto the couch, then retrieved her popcorn and the remote. "Now you two behave and watch the movie." She sat between them, putting a DVD box with the title Love Actually on the coffee table.
They groaned simultaneously and started complaining.
“It’sh sho cheeeeeesy, Speedy!” Oliver tried to jab the box with his finger, but missed and jabbed the table instead. The box went spinning from the near miss
“And sho... sht-shtupidly n-n-naive." Malcolm slapped the armrest with his hand and almost fell off the couch.
Wow, they were finishing each other’s sentences now? Where was that popcorn?
"Is thish a girl movie?" Ollie complained, squinching his face up.
"We dun wanna washt no girl movie!"
"Manly mans; we wants action movie!" Ollie waved his fist around in what was apparently supposed to be a manly display of manliness.
"But not shtupid action boring movie with really shtupid guy holding up blowing up arrow in his face," Malcolm added sagely.
"Wut?"
"Trusht me."
Thea smirked in contentment, then put on her princess look. "It's either watch this movie, or we're going to sing Christmas carols!"
They shut up.
The liquor must have seriously mellowed them out by now. Thea had to keep checking that they were still awake. She looked over again at Malcolm and was surprised to see he'd gone pale, a stricken look on his face.
She muted the TV. "Dad? What's wrong?" Oliver tensed beside her.
"'M sorry," Malcolm mumbled. "Just I.... It's been so long." His eyes took on a haunted look. "I miss Tommy. An-And Rebecca." Thea patted his arm. "M-Moira, too."
Thea felt a pang of loss. She didn't take her eyes from her father, but she could sense Oliver's mood changing as well.
"I miss my family. Having a family. Being a family. I...." For a moment, it looked as if Malcolm might totally lose it, but then he took a deep breath and blurted, "I love you guys!" He started bawling.
In shock, Thea turned to Ollie. His stoic lower lip was trembling, and then he burst out, "Me too!" and joined in the waterworks.
Thea found herself suddenly engulfed in a manly football huddle of an embrace, with two grown men blubbering in her ears. It was kinda touching, actually. She patted their backs. "There, there. I love you guys, too. At least we have each other."
She got a little choked up then, wishing her mom could have seen this.
Then, of course, she couldn't stop laughing at the look she imagined on Moira's face!
Even Later....
Thea sighed. It had been a lot of work, but it was totally worth it. And she couldn't forget the guys' special Christmas present.
They had finally passed out. Ollie was at one end of the couch, his head thrown back over the armrest, snoring like a diesel engine. Malcolm lay sprawled at the other end, drooling a bit with his mouth open. The gold bow clung tenaciously to his hair, though it tried to flop over his face.
Thea took pictures on her phone. Yep, nothing said Queen/Merlyn Christmas like blackmail pictures!
She grinned on her way to bed. She couldn't wait 'til New Year's Eve!
BONUS CONTENT: THE CHRISTMAS CAROL
(in the traditional style of Batman)
Jingle Bells,
Arrow smells;
Diggle laid a grenade.
Felicity Smoak
Told a joke,
And Dark Archer got away...!
Jingle Bells,
Ollie Fell;
Malcolm sang serenades.
Roy the bloke
Drank some Coke,
And belched the night away!
End Notes:
"Clarkson and Bruce seemed like a good option.”
-- you can have 500 Bloodsong & Dark Empress points if you recognize where this name came from! ;)
“I have many skills!”
-- 500 Bloodsong points if you know this from Xena.
"But not shtupid action boring movie with really shtupid guy holding up blowing up arrow in his face," Malcolm added sagely.
-- 1000 Bloodsong points if you know what he's talking about, +500 bonus points if you read that story!