Because hurting is cool
Because she already measured our value and found us lacking.
1.I don't think I could even hold up a ruler.
To come home and find your things half-packed and in the car? That's just low. Couldn't you have said anything first?
2.I think back, and yeah I should have. At the moment I was torn, too hurt to even talk without crying like a five yeard old. I don't think you could have gotten much out of me, when i cry you can't understand a word I'm saying.
But no, I guess when you've been plotting, yes, plotting, to leave for ages it doesn't matter what the other people might feel or its not important enough to try and work it out.
3.Just so you know, after Pao left the gas station, I called my mom. She noticed I was panicking so she asked if I wanted to go back home. And like a child in need I accepted.
The only possible solution is to get up and go, right? That's the only way, talking like civilized people can't possible help. No. And expressing some sort of emotion to those who are supposed to be your best friends, that isn't even an option.
4.There have been moments (the time we wanted you to go to el Yunque was one) where I tried talking to you. I wanted to know what was wrong. What do you do? You write a letter, that's what you always do.
You talked to Victor. VICTOR! Why not us?! Huh? Are we not worth it? Is you view of us so low you can't possible bother??
5.He asked, and insisted. Like I said, that's enough.
but Victor?! He's been trying to get me to talk since last year and did I? Fuck, no. I barely talk to the two of you, I'm going to talk to him.
6.That's your choice, go back to #4 on this one.
But, hey, all for the sake of drama, no? I mean, that's how I see it. When you conform to an ideal, to thinking that everyone is the same and that you're condemned to be alone and woe, is fucking me, you can't change it. It brings certain benefits too, doesn't it? Like how much cooler you'll seem to all those angsty people and it'll add a mystery quality to your personality and, oh who am I kidding? You'll look cool and that's what's important.
7. I thought you were the same as everyone else I wouldn't have moved in with you guys.
And of course, it's so cool to hurt you know. And that's why I even walk with a strut, soon I'll start smoking.
I admit my attempts at running after you have been half-assed at best in the last month and a half. But, hell, you can only run for so long and you weren't slowing down. Fuck, you went full speed in the other direction most of the time...sometimes you glanced back, that's what kept me running but you still get tired.
8. I'm happy you did. I went full speed because I had my own problems wich I like fixing myself. You had nothing to do with them, you didn't even know those who are involved.
Don't kid yourself that it's our personalities or that your problem is that we don't listen or try to help or shut you out because we didn't.
9.It's not that you did, it's that at the moment you probably had your own problems and it showed. So you treated me that way and that's what I thought.
You never said shit even though we waited for you.
10.I never heard anything from either. Waiting there doesn't so much, and it's not going to come freely from my mouth.
I'm not the type of person that will keep asking and asking and asking until you blow up. I'm the type of person that gives you the space you need and, when you're ready to talk, I'm there.
11.Funny, I'm the same. Share with me and I will share with you.
But you wanted us to keep asking and come looking for you and when we did you blew up and said that's not what you wanted. That happened with everything.
12.I don't know how you had conversations like this, but usually a person comes up to you and asks "need to talk?" or "Is everything ok?". I'm horrible at remembering, but could you mention the times you did this? Pao did, but you?
And I always fucking knocked and even that annoyed you because I didn't do it properly or whatever. Pao went in a bunch of times without knocking, I was looking.
13.You knocked after I asked you too. Pao never listens.
But that's not the point. The point is, you run. That's what you do. When we try to talk or say something, instead of saying your half, you run. Something happens, you lock yourself away, with the computer, with Piggy, with anything but us. And now, you ran. Plain and simple, a situation occurred and you split.
14. I lived in that apartment for over a year, and we have always had this problem. We tried talking, and it all went back to the same. That's why I left.
I don't blame you for wanting to, I understand it. I've been itching to disappear since last year. But guess what? I didn't! I stuck here for you, for Pao, for my mom, for Emile, for school. I stayed, despite it all, I fucking stayed. I tried to fix what was wrong so I could stay and keep being friends with you guys.
15. #4 and #14
If you feel alone it's because you want to. We were always there for you. You just kept changing the line and we didn't know where to stand. But we were there.
16.I never said I felt alone. I was fine, just felt left out and at times unwanted.
We wanted you to talk, in your own time. But you never saw it fit.
17.We could have talked in the living room/ kitchen. I'm not going to Pao's room to talk. I don't like the room period (messy and cold). Ask me to turn off the computer and I'll go. Oh yeah, you don't ask...
I wanted you to tell me what I was doing wrong so I could fix it. That's why I wrote what I wrote.
18. YOU FUCKING WROTE IT LIVE JOURNAL WHERE I READ IT HOW LONG AFTER? I preferred if you had talked to me.
I told Pao too, don't think I was ganging up on you. I told her what she did that annoyed me and she told me what I did. But you ran, like your ass was on fire, you ran. .
19. Did I know that you told Pao. Maybe you should have mentioned it in the fucking letter.
What I'm getting from all of this is that the problem is between you and me. When I ask Pao she talks, I have no problem with her. Don't tell me it doesn't have to do with our personalities, it does. WE DON'T TALK. We are both that way, so we collide. If we both talked when we had the chance this wouldn't have happened, or it would have happened differently.